Not sure whether to trust this, or not ?

[Chilli]

Hi people .

Well, looks like it's my turn again to come on asking the questions again.

l went on a date site a few weeks back , wasn't expecting anything just enjoying chatting to a few women, went and met one or two. Nothing spesh.

But, outa nowhere along came someone.

 

The goods are l just love everything about her and we get along very very well so far. We talk hours , heaps of fun between us, she wasn't expecting to find this there and neither was l.

She also gone above and beyond and done big things for us and about us so far to make it happen, which l know not many would do , especially from date sites.

 

But here's the thing , she's well aware of what we have , she's never had this before , l have been lucky enough to but l still know straight off it is right up there, it's damn hard stuff to find, and that's if your lucky.

Buttttt, she's only just gone through divorce, 13mths, l'm 5yrs and a gf since, they were still trying to share the house a couple of years before separate rooms, for the kids, but it wasn't working and now they divorced.

So she hasn't been out in the world as single very long , she's started all these hobbies, she's studying, and making a new start.

 

Thing is , although she's never had anything like us before and l certainly feel the way l feel too , she's doing all this stuff and sorta talks us just taking it really slowly and she's very busy and enjoying her new hobbies and bla bla. She's 48.

l get slow , l respect slow. But she almost sounds like she's one of the ones enjoying her freedom right now and all the things she's getting into too much to go into something new right now.

 

l mean if we're good , l'm ready to rumble , l don't wanna eff around for years or fall head over heals only for her to get all wishy washy in 6mths time.oh l'm not ready or bla bla bla.

l mean she's a rare one, l'm so lucky to have even found her like this after ex w and then gf, and she says the same thing, but l still get this oh it's a bit soon feeling from her and in some things she says.

 

l'm just not sure if l can trust her in this, l'm worried about my feelings and the time that might be wasted if it's just too soon for her later on.

 

Any thoughts or ways l can suss it out before l let it go any further ?.

Edited December 31, 2017 by Chilli

[grays]

It sounds to me like you met her maybe 3 or 4 weeks ago? If that's the case, I think you need to just accept that there's no way to know if it's likely to work ou for a while. There are never any guarantees with anyone, but it seems like she's worth taking a chance on.

[carhill]

she's never had this before

 

She's 48.

 

She also gone above and beyond and done big things for us

 

sorta talks us just taking it really slowly and she's very busy and enjoying her new hobbies

 

Ask her what 'taking it really slowly' means to her. Listen. Ask open-ended questions.

 

she's only just gone through divorce, 13mths

 

In my neck of the woods, at least former woods, she'd already be remarried or living with someone. My exW was typical and she was living with someone *before* we were divorced. Still is, nearly 8 years later.

 

How long was she married? She is verifiably divorced, right? Color me cynical

[Chilli]

Thanks grays.

 

 

Eh carh.

Ahh , nope , not quite, the divorce is still going through now, she said it;ll be a few mths to finalize.

They sound like they're straight back on the horseback in your old area, it's quite funny really isn't it.

 

Good idea bout the questions , l have been chipping away quietly with some of them so far,

 

The listening thing yeah , l get where your coming from and in that l see things she's done for us so far too and also said , they're big things so soon in.

So it is like she does really want this deep down but then she'll talk like l was saying , on the other hand.

 

They were married 12yrs

l'm not sure if there was any abuse , she hasn't opened up fully about it and l've just left it but she does say it's def' done done done and has been for years.

[SevenCity]

Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you still licking your wounds from your ex gf leaving? If so, I don’t see how it’s any different for her whether it be marriage or a gf/bf relationship.

 

The good news is that you are opening yourself up to having feelings for somone else.

 

Posters here seem to think no healthy relationship can take place unless someone has taken X amount of time to move on from the past. Maybe they’re right, but it’s not the way things work in real life.

 

I say keep going for it but realize she can flake at any minute because they all can. But don’t run from potential happiness. It’s not often you meet someone you click with on this level.

[Chilli]

Eh sc, thanks mate.

 

Well yes and no , l couldn't go for it with ex , l just couldn't manage it financially yet as we're in different countries so she was going a bit nuts well , that all had a lot to do with it anyway.

So we were on and off the last 8mths or so but yeah, there is still a knock there for sure.

 

l didn't expect to meet her right now though it surprised me as much as her tbh but l feel pretty good so l'm willing if she is because your damn right.

Can't believe l met her like this tbh but, guess that's how it happens.

 

Thanks mate , appreciate the 2 x4 think l need it..

Edited December 31, 2017 by Chilli

[preraph]

Having been in a couple of "separated and divorcing" relationships, I can just tell you you should hold off until it's final at least. Because it's very hard to build trust when she's going to be saying "I have to do something with my husband tonight." They have to divide up stuff, and that's emotional. Nearly all divorcing couples attempt to reunite and sleep together one more time before they really divorce, too. One or the other is usually trying to reunite and keeping the other one stirred up. It's very very stressful esp if there's kids.

 

So let her get the papers first. Try to keep yourself in check until you do. Because once she's got the papers, if she's human, she is very likely going to go on a little "Wheeeee, I'm single" tear before she commits again.

 

She's said to take it slow, and for your own good, yes, you should really go at a crawl right now. Transitional people in the breakup rarely last. Not never. Rarely. Good luck. I'm just glad you are feeling hopeful again. Nothing like a new focus to put the old one in perspective, right?

[Chilli]

Thanks prerah yeah, sorta stuff l was worried about.

They won't be sleeping together or getting abck together that much l can guarantee.

worried about the newfound single hood though l admit. Seen too many women needing a good year or two, 3, of that before they start moaning they need a man again, some never,

 

l must be unlucky ex w married hers , still together.though she's in filthy moods all the time so who really knows.

[SevenCity]

Having been in a couple of "separated and divorcing" relationships, I can just tell you you should hold off until it's final at least. Because it's very hard to build trust when she's going to be saying "I have to do something with my husband tonight." They have to divide up stuff, and that's emotional. Nearly all divorcing couples attempt to reunite and sleep together one more time before they really divorce, too. One or the other is usually trying to reunite and keeping the other one stirred up. It's very very stressful esp if there's kids.

 

So let her get the papers first. Try to keep yourself in check until you do. Because once she's got the papers, if she's human, she is very likely going to go on a little "Wheeeee, I'm single" tear before she commits again.

 

She's said to take it slow, and for your own good, yes, you should really go at a crawl right now. Transitional people in the breakup rarely last. Not never. Rarely. Good luck. I'm just glad you are feeling hopeful again. Nothing like a new focus to put the old one in perspective, right?

 

While this may be true for some or even most, it was not for me. My marriage was over in my mind before it was legally over. When I met my ex I had no desire to play the field nor sleep with another woman the rest of my life. Had she not left, I would have married her and not looked back.

 

Just saying it doesn’t always play out as you describe.

[SevenCity]

Eh sc, thanks mate.

 

Well yes and no , l couldn't go for it with ex , l just couldn't manage it financially yet as we're in different countries so she was going a bit nuts well , that all had a lot to do with it anyway.

So we were on and off the last 8mths or so but yeah, there is still a knock there for sure.

 

l didn't expect to meet her right now though it surprised me as much as her tbh but l feel pretty good so l'm willing if she is because your damn right.

Can't believe l met her like this tbh but, guess that's how it happens.

 

Thanks mate , appreciate the 2 x4 think l need it..

 

Just go in with eyes open. This could turn south or could be the last rest of your life; no one knows. Important thing is to enjoy it while it lasts, which will hopefully be forever.

 

The feeling you describe has escaped me for the last 1.5 years. I’d be shocked if I ever get it again.

[Chilli]

Thanks sc , appreciated and fully agree with both.

Tell ya though yea, l'm in shock too ,l even said around LS a few times doubt l'm gonna be lucky enough again in this lifetime and l really hear you on that one. But eh, true, could go sth too. damn , l need a drink.

 

She cracks me up , tells me she's so busy but she wakes up a few hours earlier than me and checks my messages every 5mins all day long until she a sleep again.

 

Like l was sayin , she does things.

[Popsicle]

Chilli, some people are single for TOO LONG and won’t be ready. They get too used to being single. So you really can’t know. You can’t. It’s scary stuff.

 

Oh she’s not fully divorced? I’d never date someone not divorced yet. You’re asking for trouble.

Edited December 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[SevenCity]

Oh she’s not fully divorced? I’d never date someone not divorced yet. You’re asking for trouble.

 

No more trouble than someone who has broken up with someone a year ago.

 

People seem to think that a legal agreement will somehow prevent long term success, or when dissolved, will magically make someone a good LTR partner. It differs case by case.

 

The way she is acting now is indicative of someone who is REALLY into Chilli.

 

That’s not to say she won’t do a 180 once the butterflies wear off though.

 

The rarity here is that they BOTH feel it. That’s something you can’t walk away from once you find it.

 

We are not young kids here - it’s not like this happens often.

 

But, due to the volitle nature of women’s feelings, OP is best served to proceed with caution, not run away.

[carhill]

"share the house, separate rooms, for the kids"

 

Tricky.

 

Normally I'd agree that legal partnerships *can* go down as quickly and painlessly as a non-marital breakup but the mention of marital home and children complicate that markedly at both the legal and emotional level.

 

For example, one MW who did go on to successfully live with her exit affair partner long-term (still does) took nearly seven years to settle out the ranch and kids thing and had to take her exH to court to enforce both child support and the property settlement. Long, frustrating, and expensive. She didn't move in with the guy until that was all said and done and there were often rocky portions during that process. I became a tool during one such portion, which is how I know what went on, and since I knew her and her H in decades past. Anyway, divorce stuff can be tricky. Ours was pretty easy, comparatively, but still tricky. IMO, if the OP sees steely-eyed logic in his dating partner, it should go better for him. If she's all over the place emotionally, watch out. Proceed with caution and guard against investing emotionally into any sort of future result. Good luck!

[compulsivedancer]

My boyfriend of 3 years and I met about 6 months after my ex and I separated. Neither of us had finalized divorces, but both of us were pretty clearly done relationships. I wasn't looking for something long-term yet, but he was so wonderfully what I wanted that it was worth continuing.

 

That said, it's very weird to start a new relationship while grieving your old one. One minute you're on top of the world in love, and another minute you're in the dumps hurt and disappointed.

 

My ex and I had spent the last two years of our relationship trying to sort things out, and also coming to terms with the fact that it might not work out, so I think a lot of that work was done before we separated, but it would have been better to get it cleared away first before starting something new.

 

On the other hand, when you find something that fits so perfectly, you almost have to take a chance and see where it goes.

[heartbrokenlady]

I'd be scared. She's probably going to be ok, but the risk...

[Chilli]

Thanks muchly for the thoughts and experiences people,very appreciated.

Just goesto show though, ain't no manual in this stuff , any combo of anything can go on to be fine or turn south l guess,everyones different .

 

Yeah wasn't crazy about the divorce sitch . Not the ex or any reconcilliation, ain't gonna happen but it's just better all sorted l know. Not walking away for that though , she's explained and it all sounds good to go.

 

But hey sc,only a yr and half for you , anything could happen for you yet that's not long. Think it was carH said 12mths ago something like that to me and here l am.

 

eird these days isn't it , if your not together at the time half the relationship is via text tthese days and your often left wondering or puzzled , but she's a funny one, everytime you think ahh, she's just not into this or she disappears or doesn't answer phone or whatever,up she pops later, always takes the time to explain what happened in a really caring way.and boom, restores the faith and l'm feeling guilty again for doubting her .

She takes her time but never lets ya down in the end. Pretty cool really.

[Chilli]

Funny, think it's all part of her determined to keep chilli on her take it slow plan

lt's always like she's still on this boat for sure in the end, no doubts left later, but for now she just wants to steer the ship.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I totally get why you're feeling the way you're feeling, and you're smart enough to know the possibilities of what could happen once her divorce is final, but what's the alternative to what you're doing now? Give up and bail on the MAYBE that you could end up hurt? No, I don't advise that since you seem to really like her . Happy New Year, Chilli!

[Chilli]

I'd be scared. She's probably going to be ok, but the risk...

 

 

Yeah , must admit , the risk , not crazy about that.

Sometimes l;ve thought nope , not gonna let this happen , just can't risk going there again, walk away.

 

buttttttt !

[Chilli]

I totally get why you're feeling the way you're feeling, and you're smart enough to know the possibilities of what could happen once her divorce is final, but what's the alternative to what you're doing now? Give up and bail on the MAYBE that you could end up hurt? No, I don't advise that since you seem to really like her . Happy New Year, Chilli!

 

 

Thanks for that CO and happy new year to you and everyone too eh.

 

But yeah that's the thing your spot on , what's the alternative. !

l feel blessed to have met her, so what are we suppose to do just because there "might" , be a hick up.

 

So far she's done nothin but restore the faith and then some every time.

[Chilli]

Ahh, well , not real good news.

A few cultural concerns , and time,lots of time, can't mention which because l've probably got me a bit of a privacy issue but it doesn't matter which anyway it's just the sitch is what it is.

 

Well,although she almost looks and dresses western, under the surface she is very deep and traditional and to a T in everything with us so far as l get to know her more.

Problem is while l adore some of it and got no doubt she''d walk through fire with her man in the end, a lot of it though just wouldn't suit me or who l am at all, it's just not me or how l'd live.

 

l dunno , got some serious thinking to do about it all .

.

Edited January 2, 2018 by Chilli

[Chilli]

hmm, well , at least thats something l was thinking about anyway.

 

But as usual like everything else so far with her, in this last few days she's just taken my concerns and blown them clean out of the water and in about the nicest possible way you could ever dream up.

 

Man, she is one special lady .

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

hmm, well , at least thats something l was thinking about anyway.

 

But as usual like everything else so far with her, in this last few days she's just taken my concerns and blown them clean out of the water and in about the nicest possible way you could ever dream up.

 

Man, she is one special lady .

 

That's good, but I haven't the slightest idea what you were talking about in your prior post....

[Chilli]

Hey co.

 

l know, had to be careful with that one.

 

She's a different nationality/culture and still quite traditional in some ways that's all.

l was starting to worry if we're gonna gel but , we've been talking a lot and it doesn't look like it'll be much of an issue after all so far soooo, we see how it goes .

Edited January 4, 2018 by Chilli