Not sure whether to trust this, or not ?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Hey co.

 

l know, had to be careful with that one.

 

She's a different nationality/culture and still quite traditional in some ways that's all.

l was starting to worry if we're gonna gel but , we've been talking a lot and it doesn't look like it'll be much of an issue after all so far soooo, we see how it goes .

 

Ahhhh, ok . Sounds promising!

[Chilli]

Have to admit , l dunno what to do with her.

lf anyone has any thoughts l'd appreciate it .

 

Thing is , her divorce hasn't gone through yet and she's only been out on her own bit over 12mths.

But they were in the house separated no same room or any love though for 5 yrs or so before she moved out finally, just trying to stick it for the 2 kids.

 

Well , since she's been out she's finding her feet and enrolled in courses and started hobbies and has her kids part time , then l come along.

 

She wants us and me , but she also wants to go really slow . See each other every week or two, few calls , she seems quite happy at that pace so far but in between we hardly message at all. She says she always hated messaging and would rather just call then she's happy for us to call only once or twice a week.

We get along really well and talk for hours when we do call or in person and she says she's never talked like this , but then later she's happy to just go off back to all her stuff.

And doesn't seem to fussed if even a week goes by until we talk again.

 

She says she's just too buried in all her course stuff and new things she's only just started up and then having the kids and just wants to build up slowly and that's all she has time to squeeze in right now anyway.

 

She's 48. l get pretty frustrated because really l'm ready to rock and l'm never had anyone wanting to move at this pace before.

Any time l doubt her she has a beautiful way of just putting any worries or doubts out of my mind about how she feels , but then she; seems quite happy to just ho back to this once or twice a week thing.

 

TBH , l dunno wtf to do with it.

On one hand l feel absolutely blessed having found her and to be given this chance again in life but on the other l just dunno if l can trust it and all this go slow stuff or the reasons for it.

 

Maybe she's just not feeling enough , maybe we go on like this for a year or longer even then she drops out anyway .

Not sure .

 

Any thoughts. ?

[Mr. Lucky]

Any thoughts. ?

 

She's being crystal clear in telling you what works for her - and you're not accepting it because it's not what you want to hear.

 

Sounds like you're simply at a different place than she is. I couldn't be happy with an "every week or two" relationship but your choices are acceptance or disengagement. Pick one and quit wishing it was something else...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SevenCity]

Chilli,

 

You are liking this chick and it’s causing you anxiety. I’m picking up on the things you are saying like lack of reaching out/taking too long is driving you into a tizzy. The best thing to do is have a non attached attitude and love life for you.

 

She was married and now has some freedom and wants to experience it. That’s not to say she’ll want this forever, but right now it’s what she needs.

 

Don’t push things too soon or you’ll push her away. How long has it been?

 

I’ve found that men are best served moving at the woman’s pace. We want the instant intimacy and relationship but women don’t work like us. They fall in love slowly over time.

 

It’s not about what you want - it’s too soon for that. Give it a bit of time and be less anxious or it will drive her away. If within another couple of months it’s not enough for you, then you can walk.

 

I say this with bro love but you are acting like a woman. Most chicks I’ve dated all complained I didn’t spend enough time, see them enough, call them enough, etc. it’s exhausting that I’m expected to change my life around for someone I’ve known for 6 weeks. Don’t be that guy (or girl).

 

Fill your life with stuff outside of her, and if she comes around great. If not, there will be one following her.

[spiderowl]

I can understand your concerns. 12 months of freedom is not long. She is saying she wants to go slow but it is very slow. Seeing her once a fortnight is a bit strange. I'm seeing someone mostly once a week, but I get tired easily and work full time so that's partly why, but also I'm not at all sure about this 'relationship' and will probably opt out soon. I would want to see him more, if I did not have doubts.

 

It sounds like she wants something casual for the moment, friends maybe, nothing committed. You want to know she's yours. My feeling is that rather than hang around waiting for her to match what you would like, back off and leave her for a while, see if she misses you. If she really wants you in her life, she will realise she is not giving out the messages you need and she will take action. I have a feeling though that she does not want commitment and sees you as a fun friend at the moment.

 

By the way, I would agree with SevenCity that women can sometimes fall in love slowly over a period of time. There can be the instant 'love at first sight' type of crush but really falling in love creeps up on you and is a growing certainty rather than instant.

 

I think you are in a tough spot here. You could compromise by being around for her some of the time she wants but not all of it. She has to take some initiative too or basically she is just letting you drift away.

 

I really hope this situation gets clearer for you and in a good way x

Edited January 23, 2018 by spiderowl

[SevenCity]

Have you slept with her yet?

[Chilli]

Ahh yessaa , that one.

Welllllll, l've certainly tried but that's on the go slow plan to damn it, ouch.

 

Although l sorta don't mind too much, sorta, because my brains fly out the window once that starts , and l would prefer it to be really special too.

Edited January 23, 2018 by Chilli

[Chilli]

It's been about 3wks. We're 3hours away.

[unit1]

Have to admit , l dunno what to do with her.

lf anyone has any thoughts l'd appreciate it .

 

Thing is , her divorce hasn't gone through yet and she's only been out on her own bit over 12mths.

But they were in the house separated no same room or any love though for 5 yrs or so before she moved out finally, just trying to stick it for the 2 kids.

 

Well , since she's been out she's finding her feet and enrolled in courses and started hobbies and has her kids part time , then l come along.

 

She wants us and me , but she also wants to go really slow . See each other every week or two, few calls , she seems quite happy at that pace so far but in between we hardly message at all. She says she always hated messaging and would rather just call then she's happy for us to call only once or twice a week.

We get along really well and talk for hours when we do call or in person and she says she's never talked like this , but then later she's happy to just go off back to all her stuff.

And doesn't seem to fussed if even a week goes by until we talk again.

 

She says she's just too buried in all her course stuff and new things she's only just started up and then having the kids and just wants to build up slowly and that's all she has time to squeeze in right now anyway.

 

She's 48. l get pretty frustrated because really l'm ready to rock and l'm never had anyone wanting to move at this pace before.

Any time l doubt her she has a beautiful way of just putting any worries or doubts out of my mind about how she feels , but then she; seems quite happy to just ho back to this once or twice a week thing.

 

TBH , l dunno wtf to do with it.

On one hand l feel absolutely blessed having found her and to be given this chance again in life but on the other l just dunno if l can trust it and all this go slow stuff or the reasons for it.

 

Maybe she's just not feeling enough , maybe we go on like this for a year or longer even then she drops out anyway .

Not sure .

 

Any thoughts. ?

 

She doesn't like messages, and the time to meet the time to do phones all depend on her schedule?

it's unfair and drives me crazy, hehe.......

 

I hope she won't just use u as a backbone to build up her own confidence ,

 

but if she is really special, then u need to find a way to keep this one,

and u also have your free will to talk to others.

(u both r not into any commitment yet,

so it is okay for both to talk to others.)

 

just my 2cents.

[preraph]

It's a bit soon. It just is. She had a helluva time getting unattached and still has kids to share with him, so she's still probably feeling pressure from that. You haven't know each other long enough to be making big steps, even if she wasn't just divorced and has kids.

 

I say enjoy your time with her but put no pressure on her to hurry. You could both regret it. She IS enjoying her freedom. Jeez, being tied down for years and raising kids is downright oppressive. She wants to be free and she may get to liking it enough not to couple up again. She doesn't want anyone else pulling on her. So just be your fun self and enjoy this for awhile and see how things are going in six months to a year. Good luck.

[Chilli]

Thanks for those appreciated.

 

But yeah , same sorta things l'm a bit worried about.

And , l've never had anyone wanting to go slow before, it's a whole new animal to me.

[salparadise]

Have to admit , l dunno what to do with her.

lf anyone has any thoughts l'd appreciate it .

 

Thing is , her divorce hasn't gone through yet and she's only been out on her own bit over 12mths. But they were in the house separated no same room or any love though for 5 yrs or so before she moved out finally, just trying to stick it for the 2 kids.

 

TBH , l dunno wtf to do with it.

On one hand l feel absolutely blessed having found her and to be given this chance again in life but on the other l just dunno if l can trust it and all this go slow stuff or the reasons for it.

 

Maybe she's just not feeling enough , maybe we go on like this for a year or longer even then she drops out anyway .

Not sure .

 

Any thoughts. ?

 

Yea, I've got thoughts... first, be careful! You two are in different places. You're ready for something real, ready to dive head first into the deep end. She's just dipping her toe to see how it feels. She's still married. The chances of her going all-in with the first guy she dates, before the D is even final, are low, low, low. I'm not saying it's a flat zero, but I think her reticence to have more than occasional contact or to engage in a physical relationship is indicative, and you should not allow enthusiasm to turn into blind optimism.

 

Most people need a transitional relationship coming off of a divorce. The ones who don't will be primarily driven by emotion, overtaken by feelings. She is measured and calculating. Having a guy who is more into her than she is to him is probably meeting her need for reassurance, but that doesn't translate to depth.

 

I think you need to become less available, act less invested, and see if she will step it up and pursue you for a change. Don't allow yourself to get too far ahead of her. Easier said than done, I realize, but I'd hate to see you broken hearted just so she can test the water a bit.

[unit1]

What's your sun sign/astrology and hers?

don't need to answer if its mean private for you.

 

I just read again its just been 3 weeks ...mmm...u r very passionate man:)

[Chilli]

Thanks sal yeah , exactly, and l'm sure not interested in being a crash test dummy either.

 

Hey unit.

Probably 4-5wks, actually , somem like that.

Funny yeah , l am a very passionate man but.; could cruise for now no problem but it's a bit like we were talking about in your thread , ya need something to go on , yaknow.That's the thing.

But it's noring at me the way she doesn;t quite give me enough to go on, l can't tell.

That's the thing.

 

funny you should ask that , l;m supposedly Capricorn but l'm only a 50 50 really where as she on the other hand is leo through and through, supposedly not a great match haha.

[Chilli]

We have talked about all this btw and it'sall pretty well as we've talked about here. Not long separated the kids the courses , the whole new start thing and finding her feet.

l'd be first to admit , it's bad timing for sure,

[unit1]

u don't sound quite like capricorn, hehe, must be influenced by your rising sign a lot, I bet.

but Capricorn and leo actually a match. I have a friend works great and said it was the best thing ever happened.

 

the thing is, Capricorn and leo r both leadership, both wants to be the leader. they r hard to compromise. both wants the other to listen to them.

[Chilli]

Yeah your right l don't l know, where as my brother for example he's Capricorn through and through.

 

ls that right , interesting and nice to hear, and that's better than l thought at least.

[Chilli]

Just a little report for anyone interested.

But in short , it's a no go l'm afraid.

She has stuff , just stuff , it's too much.

lt's all stemming from the ex and men she's met since.

Her and ex were living separately same house 5yrs but both been meeting other people 4 years and living their own lives separately also.

 

So she's actually sorta been dating you'd call it 5yrs now all up.

She's got it in her head no man out there want a serious relationship because none have and this is on top of yrs with ex and big drama there too.

And that no matter what l do , l'm the same as the rest and anything l do or show or say is all just bullshyt.

So it's been showing more and more that this stuffs the real reason why she won't invest into us and there's self sabotaging going on too, she just doesn't trust it or me or men and it'll probably take some guy yrs to get past it with her.

 

l just can't take that kinda gamble right now or spend years dealing with more head issues.

Soooo, unfortunately l've decided l can't go there.

Edited February 5, 2018 by Chilli

[Chilli]

Like it's weird , at least she's given me a chance it doesn't sound like anyone else she's , well not really dated as such but met, has got even that.

 

So l don't even know how she's got this idea she can't trust any man, not even me, or they don't want a relationship but it's a total pain in the ass to deal with.

[SevenCity]

Just a little report for anyone interested.

But in short , it's a no go l'm afraid.

She has stuff , just stuff , it's too much.

lt's all stemming from the ex and men she's met since.

Her and ex were living separately same house 5yrs but both been meeting other people 4 years and living their own lives separately also.

 

So she's actually sorta been dating you'd call it 5yrs now all up.

She's got it in her head no man out there want a serious relationship because none have and this is on top of yrs with ex and big drama there too.

And that no matter what l do , l'm the same as the rest and anything l do or show or say is all just bullshyt.

So it's been showing more and more that this stuffs the real reason why she won't invest into us and there's self sabotaging going on too, she just doesn't trust it or me or men and it'll probably take some guy yrs to get past it with her.

 

l just can't take that kinda gamble right now or spend years dealing with more head issues.

Soooo, unfortunately l've decided l can't go there.

 

Sorry to hear that. Sucks.

 

But better to find out she is damaged goods before you are fully invested. It’s disappointing to be sure, but it beats the hell out of a failed relationship.

 

Me? I would lay it out that you are in fact ready and tell her to ever call you if she changes her mind and never ever call her again. But honestly, if she comes back it sounds like this chick will give you nothing but drama.

 

Bullet dodged.

[Chilli]

Yeah , thanks sc , that's what really concerns me.

And so far , it's been pretty disheartening. Few steps forward but right when l think there's head way, back she goes.

Kinda get the feeling l'll still be getting tested in 5yrs time.

[Mr. Lucky]

Kinda get the feeling l'll still be getting tested in 5yrs time.

 

Chicken and egg. Is she like this because of all the previous drama or did the drama come from the fact she's like this? I wouldn't invest any more time trying to find out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Chilli]

Tbh lucky l think it's 50 50 , 1/2 the ex's abuse and 1/2 her nature .

But then she's still got her 2 kids and the divorce stuff going on too.

 

SC might've had a good idea, maybe she could get back in touch later on if she feels more ready.

lf l was around then , who knows.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

she just doesn't trust it or me or men and it'll probably take some guy yrs to get past it with her.

 

l just can't take that kinda gamble right now or spend years dealing with more head issues.

Soooo, unfortunately l've decided l can't go there.

 

That's a bummer . She must have been really hurt.

[SevenCity]

Tbh lucky l think it's 50 50 , 1/2 the ex's abuse and 1/2 her nature .

But then she's still got her 2 kids and the divorce stuff going on too.

 

SC might've had a good idea, maybe she could get back in touch later on if she feels more ready.

lf l was around then , who knows.

 

Yea don’t burn a bridge. You never know what the future holds.

 

TBH though, I burn bridges all the time lol.