How often are we wrong

[Arieswoman]

merremeade,

 

Well, you sure took that in stride... This is blowing my mind. Are you just keeping a stiff upper lip or are you really that detached? Is "maybe her wandering days are over" just conjecture? Whether it happened, you just shrug and just go on from here?

 

This is just my point.

 

I've really "lost the plot" on this one

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Op if you care so little why haven't you gone and done the same thing I wonder? You know full well if she has been wondering for 25+ years, she won't stop until you stop her! If you choose not to stop her at least open up the marriage for yourself or something. If you like the idea of her with other men, at least get involved and get something out of all this. It's perfectly fine if that is your fetish. You seemed surprised that we all agree she has been cheating, yet someone in your life flat out told you what was going on.

 

How can you have like no emotion with all this? You are like Data from star trek.

[oldshirt]

"the denial is strong with this one."

 

- Darth Vador

[road]

Well I guess I need to reassess my current situation. Having said that, maybe her wandering days are over and we will be able to live out the rest of our lives comfortably.

She sure is good at covering though. I am very good friends with my buddy's wife, so maybe I should set up a coffee with her and see what she thinks. She is well awsre that her husband has been cheating with many different women since she married him.

She has taken him back more than a couple times, but then she catches him again, so maybe she can shed some light on the situation.

Thanks very much for your comments so far, never had so many people tell me that my concerns may have some validity.

 

 

Good idea ask what the she (the buddy's wife) knows and who else knows.

 

 

Ask that woman at the marina that told you about the affair what she knows and who else knows.

 

 

Ask that male friend that said you were naïve all those years ago and who else knows about your WW's past.

 

 

Once all that info is in do not tell WW. Comeback and from a plan to confront her.

 

 

Then you will need to finish up with a polygraph test for your WW after the confrontation.

Edited September 2, 2016 by road

[bigman1]

Are you serious? I mean, come on! You post on a subforum titled infidelity and say that your wife got pregnant and then had an abortion and you had not had sex with her during a time when it could have made you the father and someone you know said she was having an affair.

 

Now, you calmly say that maybe her wandering days are behind her and all will be good, if she was cheating.

 

I know denial, but NO ONE can be that deep in it. I ask again, are you serious?

 

When a wife becomes pregnant and elects to have an abortion, the conversation is far more in depth than what you described. In a healthy relationship, the husband does not accidentally find out about the pregnancy. The abortion usually has more discussion, even though it is still going to happen. I'm not sure how long ago or what country this is in, but doctors usually did not leave that information on answering machines or disclose to folks other than the patient. It's usually, "please give us a call."

 

Really?!

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

So that is a good question. I guess I am here because there is no one else I can bounce these question off of, because every one I know also knows my wife.

 

Yet even a few of those people have told you she is cheating or out of the blue that you are naive. Bet if you ask around with those friends more of them will tell you "yeah she's been cheating on you for years and years" sure seems like she isn't really hiding it that much.

[stillafool]

Wow, I can't believe how many of you seem to agree that my wife actually has been unfaithful. Out of the blue one of the guys in our group who actually new my wife before I met her told me that "I was naive".

Our life today is good, a couple months ago she moved into a seperate bedroom because I snore. She still slios into bed with me once a week for some great sex.

I have checked all known mail and i set her phone up and know exactly what is on it. And there is absolutly no smoking gun.

This is why I question myself and think that perhaps I have mistakenly put actions together and my delusion is that I think my wife has cheated, when she really hasn't.

It is a strange life I seem to lead.

Are you guys really convinced that she has been unfaithfull or is that the conclusion you have drawn based on my interpretation of my circumstance?

 

Dude, forget about what we think, the lady you hung out with told you "they are having and affair" and your other friend called you "naive". Perhaps you should ask them what they mean and what they have seen.

[BluesPower]

Are you really saying that, below in bold???

 

Well I guess I need to reassess my current situation. Having said that, maybe her wandering days are over and we will be able to live out the rest of our lives comfortably.

She sure is good at covering though. I am very good friends with my buddy's wife, so maybe I should set up a coffee with her and see what she thinks. She is well awsre that her husband has been cheating with many different women since she married him.

She has taken him back more than a couple times, but then she catches him again, so maybe she can shed some light on the situation.

Thanks very much for your comments so far, never had so many people tell me that my concerns may have some validity.

 

No she is not good at hiding it. You just caught her out with your buddy, and the chick told you she was having an affair. You have caught her several times!!!

 

What makes you think for a second that she will stop sleeping around?

 

Could you really be a "Blind" to all this as you say you are?

[jay12]

It's maybe a combination of not wanting to really believe it along with losing half of everything in a divorce plus paying alimony.

Currently I have a comfortable life with sex weekly and no current wandering happening.

If I was to suddenly start the process of digging everything up and confronting her, life could be less desirable.

Anuone here have a cheating spouse that they are still living with, and if so, how satisfying is the relationship?

[oldshirt]

I wonder how many people dream of having a spouse like Jay?

 

He would be the ultimate provider and beta boy for a WS. You could screw everyone in town and not even try to hide it and he would look the other way because he doesn't want to lose the Lazy Boy.

 

In many ways he is just as selfish and self serving as she is. He is only concerned about his own comforts and ease of lifestyle.

[aliveagain]

It's maybe a combination of not wanting to really believe it along with losing half of everything in a divorce plus paying alimony.

Currently I have a comfortable life with sex weekly and no current wandering happening.

If I was to suddenly start the process of digging everything up and confronting her, life could be less desirable.

Anuone here have a cheating spouse that they are still living with, and if so, how satisfying is the relationship?

 

Wow, I just hope sitting in your home looking at all your stuff waiting for your wife to get home doesn't become the highlight of your day. Seriously, wow.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

It's maybe a combination of not wanting to really believe it along with losing half of everything in a divorce plus paying alimony.

Currently I have a comfortable life with sex weekly and no current wandering happening.

If I was to suddenly start the process of digging everything up and confronting her, life could be less desirable.

Anuone here have a cheating spouse that they are still living with, and if so, how satisfying is the relationship?

 

Bro who cares how satisfying others relationships are in relation to your own? How satisfying is it knowing you have sex with someone who has sex with others? Ever thought of this? she very well could have blown a guy then came home and kissed you on the lips! How satisfying and comforting is that thought to you? If you are fine with it, that is OK. But then I gotta ask, why are you here again?

[OneLov]

Ignorance is bliss right? As long as OP is cool with it, I hope the mental gymnastics work. Being that OP has made it clear he won't divorce, I don't blame him. I would not want to know if I had no intentions of leaving. Staying with that knowledge would be unbearable.

[aileD]

It's maybe a combination of not wanting to really believe it along with losing half of everything in a divorce plus paying alimony.

Currently I have a comfortable life with sex weekly and no current wandering happening.

If I was to suddenly start the process of digging everything up and confronting her, life could be less desirable.

Anuone here have a cheating spouse that they are still living with, and if so, how satisfying is the relationship?

 

I had a cheating spouse who I will lived with and IT WAS HORRIBLE.

 

Listen, to each his own. If you are satisfied with once weekly sex and a good home life...and don't care what your wife does as long as you stay comfortable....then that's up to you. Some people do live like that and there's nothing wrong with it if that's what you choose.

[merrmeade]

Ignorance is bliss right? As long as OP is cool with it, I hope the mental gymnastics work. Being that OP has made it clear he won't divorce, I don't blame him. I would not want to know if I had no intentions of leaving. Staying with that knowledge would be unbearable.

Apparently not (unbearable).

 

Just let me get this straight: A page or two ago, as long as she's not currently wandering, OP's totally cool with it. And so now, the question has simply changed to "how satisfying is the relationship?" for those with a cheating spouse that they are still living with - right, OP?

[ChickiePops]

Whatever floats your boat OP..but I would highly recommend using condoms if you're going to ignore your wife's cheating. STI's are rampant these days and you have no idea how many other partners she has or whether she's being safe with them (I mean..if it was semen in her underwear then obviously she's not).

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Whatever floats your boat OP..but I would highly recommend using condoms if you're going to ignore your wife's cheating. STI's are rampant these days and you have no idea how many other partners she has or whether she's being safe with them (I mean..if it was semen in her underwear then obviously she's not).

 

Or prego from ol Sancho's kid back in the day. Pretty clear she isn't using protection.

[GorillaTheater]

It's maybe a combination of not wanting to really believe it along with losing half of everything in a divorce plus paying alimony.

Currently I have a comfortable life with sex weekly and no current wandering happening.

If I was to suddenly start the process of digging everything up and confronting her, life could be less desirable.

 

 

You might wind up opting for the comfort of the status quo; people very likely make that choice fairly often and it's their life, their choice to make.

 

 

But I don't think you're as okay with all of this as some posters believe. I don't think you'd be here if that was the case. This is (quite justifiably) bugging the sh*t out of you.

 

 

Hand in hand with being reluctant to let go of the status quo is fear. Fear of a messy divorce, fear of finding love afterwards, fear of the impact on the kids, fear of financial hardship, etc. It's very tough to make sound decisions in the presence of fear, so my advice is to go through the process of losing the fear. Spend some time contemplating the worst case scenarios, understanding that whatever happens, however much it may suck, you'll be okay. That you can handle it.

 

 

Then, in the absence of fear, decide whether this is the life you want or whether you deserve better.

[jay12]

You are absolutely right, fear is the driving force here. I am to old to start over financially and any thought of a somewhat comfortable retirement would be swept out with the costs of the divorce and the subsequent support costs.

I really don't think she is active with anyone else currently, and life is pretty good.

If we hashed everything out and then decided to stay together, I am not sure how much further ahead would we be than where we are right now.

You have to understand, this has been my life for 25 years, and it has been 95% good.

Also, we are both aging, and that also seems to make a difference.

She did make a comment last year or so regarding how we are getting older and our wilder days are behind us.

[jay12]

Even IF you had a smoking gun now - would you change and confront her?

 

You've had that smoking gun many times throughout the years but didn't do one thing to change things. You think you might change things now? I don't think so.

 

You seem to have your basic needs covered and that looks like it enough for you not to look for the truth. Am I right?

 

 

Over the years - why haven't you asked your best friend?

 

I still see him and his wife occasionally and it would just not be a good conversation as he would just deny it, since we both know he has had sex with any lady who would let him yet he denies that as well. My concern would be that the conversation would be a hot topic by a large group of our friends very quickly.

That doesn't get us anywhere.

[OneLov]

I meant it would be unbearable relative to this situation.

 

OP's willful denial is a form of rug-sweeping. He has seemingly already forgiven her. If he wants to communicate and attempt to rebuild a relationship with his wife that's great. But if he's going to rug-sweep it; it's going to eat him alive on the inside for years. If OP is seriously not ready to do anything and rug-sweep, I cannot see how finding undeniable proof would make the situation better for him. IMO, that would be the worst outcome.

[ShatteredLady]

Will you answer my questions about where they said they went at the marina & if your group of friends naturally go off together (each time you listed you were unavailable to go with her). Would you go off (innocently) with your bf wife?

 

I know I'm really stretching it here but we are on an infidelity forum & he's listing a couple of moments from a life. When younger I've gone out to get more drink etc with male friends & I've NEVER cheated.

 

Her knickers mean nothing as another member pointed out.

Her abortion was early on. He can't remember when they had sex. Maybe at that time she wasn't sure the marriage would last.

 

When I first came here a lot of members jumped in saying "Of course he's cheating!" when I didn't even suggest it. They were 100% correct. I think the members here always have been correct in every case I've read but.......

 

Oh I know!!!

[GorillaTheater]

You are absolutely right, fear is the driving force here. I am to old to start over financially and any thought of a somewhat comfortable retirement would be swept out with the costs of the divorce and the subsequent support costs.

I really don't think she is active with anyone else currently, and life is pretty good.

If we hashed everything out and then decided to stay together, I am not sure how much further ahead would we be than where we are right now.

You have to understand, this has been my life for 25 years, and it has been 95% good.

Also, we are both aging, and that also seems to make a difference.

She did make a comment last year or so regarding how we are getting older and our wilder days are behind us.

 

 

Dude, I know first hand about fear. I came to LS in 2009. At that point I had just "celebrated" my 25th anniversary and was 46 years old. I put "celebrated" in quotes because it suddenly became pretty obvious that things were really, really off in our marriage. It dawned on me how withdrawn my wife was, and she was saying some things that were really odd, like appearing to be concerned that I was cheating (!). I mean, where the hell did THAT come from?

 

 

I turned on-line, and some of the stuff I was finding indicated to me that an affair on HER part was a possibility. I went into an emotional tailspin, kind of a low-level panic attack that lasted for a while. Why? The kind of fear I was talking about. But I processed it and over time got rid of the fear by doing just what I suggested.

 

 

I never had enough evidence of infidelity, certainly far less than you have right now, to make a decision to end my marriage (although some it still looks kind of sketchy). I focused on my end of things instead, and Lord knows I had enough to work on. But I reached the point, and am still there, where if I had sufficient grounds I'd calmly bite the bullet and divorce, and accept the fallout.

 

 

It's a good place to be, being able to deal with these issues from a position of strength instead of fear.

[jay12]

Will you answer my questions about where they said they went at the marina & if your group of friends naturally go off together (each time you listed you were unavailable to go with her). Would you go off (innocently) with your bf wife?

 

I know I'm really stretching it here but we are on an infidelity forum & he's listing a couple of moments from a life. When younger I've gone out to get more drink etc with male friends & I've NEVER cheated.

 

Her knickers mean nothing as another member pointed out.

Her abortion was early on. He can't remember when they had sex. Maybe at that time she wasn't sure the marriage would last.

 

When I first came here a lot of members jumped in saying "Of course he's cheating!" when I didn't even suggest it. They were 100% correct. I think the members here always have been correct in every case I've read but.......

 

Oh I know!!!

 

Sorry, I missed your question about the marina. It is a huge marina with over 500 boats and it was after 2AM and everyone had beenvdrinking. I do not know wjere they ended up.

[Buckeye2]

Do you realize that it’s the norm for people to keep quiet and not say anything to their friend about their spouse having an affair even when they have proof? This is even truer when they’re friends of the couple.

 

 

You have friends coming out of the woodwork to tell you. She either is or was having an affair. I don’t think that you really care down deep.

 

 

You just posted to take a poll.

 

 

I think that your wife likes you. You’re her sweet naïve lug that doesn’t have a clue. The sex once a week is probably even better than it otherwise would be because she feels that she owes that to you.

 

 

If you get proof and confront her you have made it quite clear that you will still stay with her. The sex may not be as good then.

 

 

Instead of being seen as the trusting guy that doesn’t have a clue to friends and family you will be the guy that stayed married to his wife after years of her fooling around.

 

 

Do nothing. Stay her sweet naïve lug. Enjoy the sex.