How often are we wrong

[Cephalopod]

I just can't believe what I'm reading. This is unreal. That any self-respecting man would put up with this kind of disrespect just to preserve his nest-egg....

[ChickiePops]

I just can't believe what I'm reading. This is unreal. That any self-respecting man would put up with this kind of disrespect just to preserve his nest-egg....

 

I don't necessarily agree with this. Not everyone has the same priorities as you (or I, because I wouldn't, and didn't, tolerate cheating either). He has every right to be more concerned about money than about his marriage..that's his prerogative and who are we to judge him on that?

 

 

But the fact remains that he did post this thread, and he did place it in the infidelity section..so it clearly does bother him.

 

Jay, confronting someone about infidelity doesn't automatically mean divorce. Perhaps the two of you could discuss opening up your marriage instead. It's up to you, if you don't mind that she's sleeping with other guys (and it really, really sounds like she is), then more power to you.

 

 

But as I said, you really should go get tested for STI's, and if you are going to stay with your wife, you should either use condoms, or make sure that she uses them with the other men she's with. You're taking a huge risk if you don't.

[jay12]

YOU placed this thread in the infidelity section...which means you absolutely know what she's done.

 

You just don't care enough to change anything.

 

You've made that decision long ago to keep eating that **** sandwich she keeps feeding you.

 

How sad.

 

And don't for one minute think the kids don't see what she does - kids always notice.

 

I do know that the two girls have absolutely no idea that I have suspicions about their mother. I am close to both of them and we talk a lot.

It would be a shock that would crumble their world if I was to tell them any of this.

[stillafool]

It's maybe a combination of not wanting to really believe it along with losing half of everything in a divorce plus paying alimony.

Currently I have a comfortable life with sex weekly and no current wandering happening.

If I was to suddenly start the process of digging everything up and confronting her, life could be less desirable.

?

 

If you really feel this way why come to LS and stir up all of this stuff in your mind? Why not just keep going and thinking as you are?

[jay12]

I don't necessarily agree with this. Not everyone has the same priorities as you (or I, because I wouldn't, and didn't, tolerate cheating either). He has every right to be more concerned about money than about his marriage..that's his prerogative and who are we to judge him on that?

 

 

But the fact remains that he did post this thread, and he did place it in the infidelity section..so it clearly does bother him.

 

Jay, confronting someone about infidelity doesn't automatically mean divorce. Perhaps the two of you could discuss opening up your marriage instead. It's up to you, if you don't mind that she's sleeping with other guys (and it really, really sounds like she is), then more power to you.

 

I am not really interested in opening up our marriage, as I do not have any inclination to start a relationship with another woman.

Wouldn't even know where to start, and can not imagine any woman who would believe me if I said"my wife and I have an agreement about ****ing around".

And then of course their is nothing in it for any other woman.

[stillafool]

Do you realize that it’s the norm for people to keep quiet and not say anything to their friend about their spouse having an affair even when they have proof? This is even truer when they’re friends of the couple.

 

 

You have friends coming out of the woodwork to tell you. She either is or was having an affair. I don’t think that you really care down deep.

 

 

You just posted to take a poll.

 

 

I think that your wife likes you. You’re her sweet naïve lug that doesn’t have a clue. The sex once a week is probably even better than it otherwise would be because she feels that she owes that to you.

 

 

If you get proof and confront her you have made it quite clear that you will still stay with her. The sex may not be as good then.

 

 

Instead of being seen as the trusting guy that doesn’t have a clue to friends and family you will be the guy that stayed married to his wife after years of her fooling around.

 

 

Do nothing. Stay her sweet naïve lug. Enjoy the sex.

 

I imagine those friends didn't want to say anything to him about his wife; but have probably watched the two of them for a while and were wondering if OP even had a clue by his inaction. It probably sickened them to the point that they had to say something to OP.

[aliveagain]

Jay there are many things worse then divorce, sharing your wife with other men would be at the top of my list. Things can be replaced, unbreaking your vows not so easy. The least you should do is talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights and how to protect your things. You have 61 responses of advice, almost all telling you the same thing. What are going to do with the advice?

[GoldenR]

I suggest addressing the elephant in the room now. It's better now than later. I read another thread recently, not sure if it was here, where a BH waited 35 years to confront, and due to the decades of stewing over it, he wound up leaving even though WW was all about R. My point is, as long as you are wondering about it, the longer you go without commenting it, the more resentment you wind up with.

 

I wish you luck.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Don't be so sure. They may know themselves but not say anything to you.

 

They may have seen what she does over the years... And learned from you to just stay silent.

 

Most likely they noticed... Most likely they've said nothing.

 

This is the example you set for them.

 

You are the willing victim. Have you ever explored that concept with a counselor?

 

Read this again over and over and let it sink in Jay. You are a shining example to your daughters. So now if they wind up with a cheater, they will do what you taught them as a parent, stay silent. Let it happen. Don't rock the boat. Just continue on as if nothing is wrong.

 

People keep saying this, obviously you posted here for a reason. It's eating away at you. Why wouldn't it?

 

Can you answer this please, are you fine with it if she has slept with other men throughout your marriage? Are you totally cool with this?

[Buckeye2]

I imagine those friends didn't want to say anything to him about his wife; but have probably watched the two of them for a while and were wondering if OP even had a clue by his inaction. It probably sickened them to the point that they had to say something to OP.

 

I agree. It was so overt that they couldn't stand it any longer.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

then of course their is nothing in it for any other woman.

 

Tell that to your wife! Obviously she found something in having sex on the side!

 

Dude you keep making excuses for yourself. It's bugging you, but you keep making excuses to not do anything and stand up for yourself. At least get in to individual counseling! Why do you have no faith in yourself and your resiliency? Why do you just let other walk on you? Why can't you take a stand against something that is upsetting you? These are huge issues to address. It's not like there is ever a day when it's time to stop growing as a person! There is no age limits!

 

How can someone who is obviously not completely apathetic, as you have built a comfortable life which takes hard work, so apathetic in THIS department? It just does not register for me. I just don't get it.

[CupCakess]

It is understandable, that you don't want to think she is cheating cause you love her. But most signs re pointing to her cheating though. She probably cheated when you guys were young (during her party time) and realised you were clueless, so she had no real threat that would make her stop.

 

You mentioned your marriage is sexless. In most cases, it is because someone is usually getting sex outside the marriage. Furthermore, your "friend" sounds like a dirtbag that constantly cheats on his wife. If he betrays his wife, why wouldn't he betray you?

[wmacbride]

Maybe I am wrong, but I do get the sense that the op loves his wife, and facing the fact that she is cheating on him is really hard for him to do.

 

I understand the feeling. it's a hard thing to face that the person you love, and who you thought loves you, would treat you in this way.

 

Either that, or the op is the type of person to whom fidelity isn't that important in a partner.

 

 

Op, either way, if I were in your shoes, I would talk to her. That way, you know where you stand. if she is cheating, or if she has, you will have your concern addressed and then the two of you can move on in whatever way is best for you both.

 

If you are okay with her having sex outside of your marriage, then once again, you'll both know where you stand, and you can begin to craft and understanding about what an open marriage will look like for both of you. It could also include you sleeping with other women outside of your marriage, if that is something you want to do.

 

As it stands right now, the level of disrespect she is showing your marriage and commitment is troubling. That she can lie to your face on go on in her life while sleeping around is also troubling. I don't know how you can trust someone who would do that for this long with so little scruples about doing so. Someone who is a serial ws doesn't tend to chnage unless faced with an overwhelming reason for doing so. Right now, she doesn't have one.

Edited September 2, 2016 by wmacbride

[jay12]

It is understandable, that you don't want to think she is cheating cause you love her. But most signs re pointing to her cheating though. She probably cheated when you guys were young (during her party time) and realised you were clueless, so she had no real threat that would make her stop.

 

You mentioned your marriage is sexless. In most cases, it is because someone is usually getting sex outside the marriage. Furthermore, your "friend" sounds like a dirtbag that constantly cheats on his wife. If he betrays his wife, why wouldn't he betray you?

 

Actually our marriage is not sexless and we still usually have sex at least once a week, some times more when we are on vacation or week days when we are less stressed due to work.

Friend is likely a dirtbag based on how he treated his wife and kids when spending time at bars looking for other women.

[jay12]

Maybe I am wrong, but I do get the sense that the op loves his wife, and facing the fact that she is cheating on him is really hard for him to do.

 

If you are okay with her having sex outside of your marriage, then once again, you'll both know where you stand, and you can begin to craft and understanding about what an open marriage will look like for both of you. It could also include you sleeping with other women outside of your marriage, if that is something you want to do.

 

As it stands right now, the level of disrespect she is showing your marriage and commitment is troubling. That she can lie to your face on go on in her life while sleeping around is also troubling. I don't know how you can trust someone who would do that for this long with so little scruples about doing so. Someone who is a serial ws doesn't tend to chnage unless faced with an overwhelming reason for doing so. Right now, she doesn't have one.

 

Yes of course I still love my wife, and no I am not interested in sex with other women. Also if I was to suspect that she was in a current relationship outside our marriage, I would step in to halt it.

The last suspected time that she had sex with another man is now 2 years ago.

[oldshirt]

Yes of course I still love my wife, and no I am not interested in sex with other women. Also if I was to suspect that she was in a current relationship outside our marriage, I would step in to halt it.

The last suspected time that she had sex with another man is now 2 years ago.

 

Why should anyone, including your W, think that you would step in to halt an affair? You haven't in 25 years, why would anyone think you would now?

 

That's why she has been screwing around like a single woman for 25 years - because she can.

[bigman1]

I'm not getting the point of your inquiry. It seems that you are stirring the pot, but have no intention of eating.

 

You are not going to confront her. You are scared of a divorce. You don't want to lose her. You would not leave her anyway. You don't want to know now. You would stop it, if she was continuing, but of course, you don't want to know and would not confront her, thus I am not sure how you would put a stop to anything.

 

Being that your position is that you did nothing, are doing nothing, and would not do anything, what exactly are you looking for? Do you want support while you are being cuckolded? I'm serious, not being snarky.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes of course I still love my wife, and no I am not interested in sex with other women. Also if I was to suspect that she was in a current relationship outside our marriage, I would step in to halt it.

The last suspected time that she had sex with another man is now 2 years ago.

 

I'm going to disagree with many other posters and simply say do what works for you. You seem to have a pretty clear idea of what she's done (and that's only the part you know about ), but if your current life and situation is more important, that's a calculation that only you can make.

 

Just remember, unlike the stock market, past performance is indicative of future results. At the very least, I'd keep close tabs on her, both physically and digitally.

 

I hope your choices bring you happiness ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jay12]

I'm going to disagree with many other posters and simply say do what works for you. You seem to have a pretty clear idea of what she's done (and that's only the part you know about ), but if your current life and situation is more important, that's a calculation that only you can make.

 

Just remember, unlike the stock market, past performance is indicative of future results. At the very least, I'd keep close tabs on her, both physically and digitally.

 

I hope your choices bring you happiness ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Why thanks Mr.Lucky, I may just take your advice. I have just installed a tracker on her cell today without her knowledge so I can see if she is someplace that I was not expecting. I need to progress slowly here since a miss-step could cost me substantially. Sorry if I sound like our joint financial resources are a major factor here, but a couple friends have essentially been wiped out in divorce situations and had to start over again couch surfing at my house while trying to save cash and remaining employed just to cover the court assigned payments to the ex and kids.

[Mr Blunt]

Jay

Fear is your driving force and you are pretty sure that your wife has not had sex with another man for around two years. You are compromising because of all the factors of your fear that you have mentioned in your previous posts. At the very least your wife has enjoyed other men in the past and you were replaced by those men in some way.

 

Your hope is that your wife has aged enough so that her desires for other men are lower and she will not act on those lowered desires.

From your posts I think that you have already made up your mind to compromise and hope that your wife’s desires are such that she does not replace you. Although your position is very unusual for men, your compromise, if that is your best option according to your evaluation, then what do you need us for?

[drifter777]

Sorry if I sound like our joint financial resources are a major factor here, but a couple friends have essentially been wiped out in divorce situations and had to start over again couch surfing at my house while trying to save cash and remaining employed just to cover the court assigned payments to the ex and kids.

 

You don't have child support to worry about so your finances - outside of IRA & 401(k) - must be entangled in partnerships or LLC's or real estate. Ok, things can be very complicated but if you can negotiate a settlement before the lawyers get involved the process doesn't have to wipe you out. In the end it can simply be a question of how much is peace of mind worth to you?

 

I agree with those who advocate that you snoop enough to know whether she's cheating right now or not. Another thing I would strongly consider is talking to this friends wife who knows a lot about his cheating. It's likely she knows if you wife is one of his conquests. If she knows she probably will tell you about it but only IF YOU ASK. Lots of people won't disclose something like this on their own but if you tell her you need to know I'd bet she will tell you.

[Clay]

The only real part of your plan that might not work is when she decides she really only wants to be with him and takes you to the cleaners. Its a painful experience and your worst fears would be realized and since you chose to do nothing your wont have a leg to stand on then. Its why so many people here are up in arms about your laid back approach to all this. Lets say she is cheating and your ok with it. At the very least and I mean the very least you need to talk to a lawyer and see what your rights are. I would seriously consider hiring a PI just to gather evidence for the future if there is infidelity laws in your state.

 

When I was first learning about IT a tech told me once "Knowledge is Power". It was a profound moment for me when he was helping me fix someone else's computer. There is nothing wrong with staying but don't leave yourself in a position to be taken for a ride. If anything I would strongly consider moving assets like they were never there and then in the event things do go south your not totally at a loss.

 

Clay

[ChickiePops]

I don't necessarily agree with this. Not everyone has the same priorities as you (or I, because I wouldn't, and didn't, tolerate cheating either). He has every right to be more concerned about money than about his marriage..that's his prerogative and who are we to judge him on that?

 

 

But the fact remains that he did post this thread, and he did place it in the infidelity section..so it clearly does bother him.

 

Jay, confronting someone about infidelity doesn't automatically mean divorce. Perhaps the two of you could discuss opening up your marriage instead. It's up to you, if you don't mind that she's sleeping with other guys (and it really, really sounds like she is), then more power to you.

 

I am not really interested in opening up our marriage, as I do not have any inclination to start a relationship with another woman.

Wouldn't even know where to start, and can not imagine any woman who would believe me if I said"my wife and I have an agreement about ****ing around".

And then of course their is nothing in it for any other woman.

 

You don't have to act on it..but you'd effectively be giving her permission to cheat. If you're going to tolerate it then why not be honest about it and also make sure you're taking care of your health.

[harrybrown]

you should be afraid of stds.

 

and have you ever had a DNA test on your kids?

 

She has not stopped having her affairs.

 

go see your attorney and also take her for std tests and a polygraph.

 

then serve the D papers. You can find someone that actually may love you.

 

if someone has been cheating (and they do not stop), they do not love you.

 

they do not respect you at all.

 

take the knife out of your back. all of your 'friends" are laughing at you behind your back.

 

Grow a pair.

[CupCakess]

You know, confronting her and making her stop doesn't mean it has to end in divorce.

 

I do think you should gather any evidence about her infidelities, consult a lawyer (just in case). And then after having everything you need, confront her, and tell her to stop.

 

To be honest, she probably has affairs because you do seem not to care, from her perspective (which you really don't, since you rather play blind).

 

But if you confront her, and act as her husband (in other words, the only guy she should be sleeping with), and begin acting more as such, maybe you can get her to stop.

 

I would opt for divorce, but whatever.