How often are we wrong

[Overtaxed]

Did she cheat? Honestly... Probably. But what makes me think so has nothing to do with her behavior with the other guy, but her behavior with you.

 

Ladies, be real, if your husband accused you of an affair because of something you did and then said he checked your underwear for confirmation and is debating you on what fluids he believed he found, what would you do?

 

I bet a majority of women would fixate on the fact that their other half is checking their underwear like a parent does a child who's potty training and freak out at how supremely weird that is. To ignore the strangeness of your spouse saying your underwear has no urine in it but another discharge of some sort and instead insist you didn't cheat... That's equally weird.

 

Sorry, I have to disagree with this. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I completely let go of my moral compass when I found out my W was cheating, did things I'm not proud of at all, tore the house apart looking for evidence, installed tracking software on everything, hacked accounts.. And yes, looked through the dirty clothes piles. Nothing that I was proud of, and not a situation I want to ever find myself in again. But, come on, the betrayal of marital vows is FAR worse. Am I betraying her trust by snooping to this level? Yes, I am. But it's a fraction of the way she's betrayed mine, and, I really am doing it with good intentions, I try not to read things that really aren't my business and give her a measure of privacy to speak to her friends/family without me in the middle of it. But she's lost my trust, and this is the only way I know to start to rebuild it.

[Chaparral]

Why didn't you go and ask the woman that said she was having an affair?

 

Why don't you ask your friend that said you were naive if he ever heard your wife was cheating? Ask several of your friends? If she has been or is cheating as much as it looks like, some or all of your friends know.

 

I friend of mine married another friend of mine. Everyone knew he was a player and assumed she had to know too and was ok with his playing. She found out fifteen years later when he butt dialed her and she heard him telling another friend about his current girlfriend.

 

Haven't you read any of the threads here or other forums? How could you possibly have expected her to admit to screwing around your whole marriage? It's as obvious as it could be.

 

The other thing that's weird is you don't seem to know what a reputation marinas have for wife swapping. Are you really not aware of that?

 

Are you saying when she got the abortion you knew it wasn't yours? If that was obvious then, your wife hasn't respected you since.

 

If you're only lasting four minutes on viagra you need a higher dosage. Porn stars use viagra to last a long time. You should be giving her orgasams through oral sex anyway.

Whom doesn't know that..? Sex only once a week makes you get off quickly too.

[Lady Hamilton]

Sorry, I have to disagree with this. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I completely let go of my moral compass when I found out my W was cheating, did things I'm not proud of at all, tore the house apart looking for evidence, installed tracking software on everything, hacked accounts.. And yes, looked through the dirty clothes piles. Nothing that I was proud of, and not a situation I want to ever find myself in again. But, come on, the betrayal of marital vows is FAR worse. Am I betraying her trust by snooping to this level? Yes, I am. But it's a fraction of the way she's betrayed mine, and, I really am doing it with good intentions, I try not to read things that really aren't my business and give her a measure of privacy to speak to her friends/family without me in the middle of it. But she's lost my trust, and this is the only way I know to start to rebuild it.

 

Checking underwear for fluids and the presenting them and asking for an answer is weird. And it's an action that makes it impossible to be answered with any dignity by the person who's underwear is being checked, especially if they're not cheating.

 

If things have deteriorated to a point where you check your partner's underwear and demand answers for the state you find it in, the marriage is approaching (if not past) a point of no return. It's not a marriage, it's a warden vs inmate situation.

[aliveagain]

When we talked about this she was so sincere about never having sex with another man since we had been married. The real problem in her story is she has not been able to explain the wet sticky panties in the laundry the morning after the night before when everyone was drinking and the two of them disappeared on the 2 bicycles we have at the marina. After they rode off one of the other ladies, who didn"t really know us that well, said"your wife is having an affair with your friend".

I initally put down to a joking comment but that is what started me thinking there may be a relationship between them. That is why I stooped to checking her panties in the laundry the next morning and finding the smoking gun. I am now starting to think I may be wrong and you may be right.

 

When people that don't really know you see what's going on and even risk making themselves look stupid by telling you that your wife is having an affair with someone pretending to be your friend, well, I don't know what else to tell you. You need an answer and the best way to do that is to hire a private investigator. The truth is worth the money, then you can put this to rest forever and start living your life.

 

I too started checking undergarments but only after one of her children knocked over the laundry hamper and I noticed sexy apparel that she had never worn for me at the bottom of the bin. She would stuff her things at the very bottom of the hamper so I would never see them. It is hard to mistake what went on when you see the crusty things attached to the material. Stop driving yourself crazy, there are too many red flags in your post to do nothing. You are no further ahead today then you were last summer. Put yourself out of your misery, get a PI or get out of the relationship.

[road]

Checking underwear for fluids and the presenting them and asking for an answer is weird. And it's an action that makes it impossible to be answered with any dignity by the person who's underwear is being checked, especially if they're not cheating.

 

If things have deteriorated to a point where you check your partner's underwear and demand answers for the state you find it in, the marriage is approaching (if not past) a point of no return. It's not a marriage, it's a warden vs inmate situation.

 

 

Red flags justifies asking the hard questions.

 

 

Better to know the truth and make decisions rather then going off

half-cocked.

[jay121]

Married for a number of years and occasionally suspected my wife of a couple single time infidelities. There was nothing blatant, just minor things that individually don't mean much but put together they lead to suspicions. Now I am not a generally suspicious individual, but occasionally I am called upon to make deductions in my work life based on known facts, and I have a good track record of logically making deductions.

I guess the open question here is, "How often have people who held suspicions of their spouse been proven wrong"

I am not talking about people with drug or alcohol issues who have distorted views of reality, but just ordinary people who usually give the benefit of the doubt to their loved ones.

[WilyWill]

It's very hard to gauge how often people are wrong. In this forum and others, you'll see plenty examples where a suspicion turned out to be 100% correct. Then there are cases where a poster suspected nothing and was completely shocked to learn about his spouse's double life. Then there are irrational people who suspect infidelity with no basis whatsoever.

 

The one bit of wisdom you'll hear in here is "trust your gut". I think almost everyone agrees with this. If something seems wrong, it probably is. In order to get closure, you'll have to go into spy mode and monitor your wife's activities. You need to do this without revealing your suspicions.

 

Some ways to spy are to check her phone bill for texts to unrecognized numbers or unexpectedly high data usage. Some people check their spouse's phone while the spouse is sleeping. Other people put a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in their spouse's car to catch bits of conversations she might be having with her lover.

[Marc878]

Most get blindsided because they would have never suspected any capability to cheat.

 

Your gut instincts (unless you're the jealous or paranoid type) are more often right than wrong from what I've seen.

 

Without knowing what you've seen or suspected that's about all I can tell you.

[Marc878]

It's very hard to gauge how often people are wrong. In this forum and others, you'll see plenty examples where a suspicion turned out to be 100% correct. Then there are cases where a poster suspected nothing and was completely shocked to learn about his spouse's double life. Then there are irrational people who suspect infidelity with no basis whatsoever.

 

The one bit of wisdom you'll hear in here is "trust your gut". I think almost everyone agrees with this. If something seems wrong, it probably is. In order to get closure, you'll have to go into spy mode and monitor your wife's activities. You need to do this without revealing your suspicions.

 

Some ways to spy are to check her phone bill for texts to unrecognized numbers or unexpectedly high data usage. Some people check their spouse's phone while the spouse is sleeping. Other people put a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in their spouse's car to catch bits of conversations she might be having with her lover.

 

You can recover deleted texts also. Living with something like this is hard.

 

If you have grave suspicions dig.

[William]

Members we had a previously registered member who doesn't have duplicate account privileges show up with a new ID and thread so rather than banning them and deleting the thread and your considered responses I merged it with the background thread and you all can analyze it as you see fit. If things are on the up and up, proceed. If other, let us know and we'll take care of it. Sorry for the intrusion and please continue!

[darkbloom]

You’ve been literally beat with red flags for the last twenty years and have ignored them. You don’t want to deal with it so you just ignore them and pretend they don’t exist. That strategy is not working so well. I don’t think your wife has an ounce of respect for you. And this “friend” isn’t really a friend.

[Marc878]

Ok, I remember now.

 

You've been living in denial for a long time.

 

Why keep talking about it?

[aliveagain]

This thread started in September, 2016. Some of the best minds in L/S have given him 162 posts of very good advice which he never listens to. Strangers at his marina have told him that his wife is having an affair with his friend but refuses to accept the information as fact. He has the financial means to enlist the services of a PI but refuses to do so. He could put an end to his doubts by having his wife take a polygraph but won't stand up for himself so doesn't. Here we are, several years later doing the same dance.

 

Just my opinion but any new people reading this post, this is what betrayed spouse fog looks like, this is carpet sweeping at it's finest. Again, I am not an expert but doing nothing is the worst thing you can do because this is what your life will be like as long as you allow the behavior to continue. I think the real question should be, do you like your things more then you hate her cheating? Is keeping your lifestyle worth more to you then getting out of infidelity? Are you willing to share your wife with other men in order to preserve your marine club privileges even though many of the members may suspect you of being cuckolded? I hope you can answer these questions for your own well being because you can't run away from yourself, people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you specially when you've blinded yourself to the truth. As others have pointed out, stop flogging yourself with red flags.

[carhill]

It's kinda like MC, IME. It drones on and on for months and then, perhaps one day, the light bulb goes on. For some of us that comes more quickly and completely than for others. For some the light never goes on, or it does and they don't care. Then life ends and it doesn't matter anymore.

[Buckeye2]

OP, deep down I think you know (or very strongly suspect) that your wife is cheating. If you prove it you will be forced to do something about it. The problem is that you don’t want to take any action. That’s why you don’t do anything that might confirm your suspensions.

 

You have turned this into a parlor game and want us to join in.

 

A parlor game is a group game played indoors. During the Victorian era in Great Britain and in the United States, these games were extremely popular among the upper and middle classes. They were often played in a parlour, hence the name.

 

During the 19th century, the upper and middle classes had more leisure time than people of previous generations. This led to the creation of a variety of parlor games to allow these gentlemen and ladies to amuse themselves at small parties.

 

[Marc878]

Talk, talk, talk but still doing nothing and taking no action.

 

Only you are keeping you where you are.

[merrmeade]

Married for a number of years and occasionally suspected my wife of a couple single time infidelities. There was nothing blatant, just minor things that individually don't mean much but put together they lead to suspicions. Now I am not a generally suspicious individual, but occasionally I am called upon to make deductions in my work life based on known facts, and I have a good track record of logically making deductions.

I guess the open question here is, "How often have people who held suspicions of their spouse been proven wrong"

I am not talking about people with drug or alcohol issues who have distorted views of reality, but just ordinary people who usually give the benefit of the doubt to their loved ones.

I've been active in this forum for five years. I can remember one poster who never definitively proved his wife was cheating and had a bunch of conflagrated suspicions. He disappeared after a few pages, so we don't know the outcome. That might have happened another time or two. In five years. But I've read dozens that turned out the other way—OP came here asking, doubting, finally confirming that spouse was currently and/or had been unfaithful. "Dozens" is conservative.

 

How many threads have you read? You're back here with the same question, at the same place about it. What have you done since you were here last? Any useful investigations at all? I think that's where this is. Get smart. Make a list. Get practical. You're not going to get a confession.

[S2B]

It's very rare the posters here are wrong.

 

I've posted here since 2005. Maybe once every two to three years do we get it wrong.

 

 

A new poster lists the evidence - evidence doesn't lie.

[S2B]

Evidence shows your wife enjoys male company without you around...and gets pregnant when you don't have sex.

 

She's never going to admit to anything. You've had plenty of reasons to admit it to yourself...yet you CHOOSE to be delusional about your wife.

 

She cheats. She lies. You stay married to her.

 

Do you have a question or are you planning to keep your head in the sand so not to upset the apple cart?

 

You can call it a happy marriage - evidence shows it's not. Plenty of people lie to themselves every day.

 

Is this good enough for you to stay?

 

You seem to stand firm on being delusional.

 

Your wife is a consistent cheater and has never experienced any consequences.

 

You've "allowed it" through all these years. Heck, men you consider your "friends" seem to know they can tap your wife's a$$ without any backlash from you to them or to your wife...why wouldn't they just keep doing it that way for another 20 years?

 

 

Your weakness has given your wife permission to have affairs throughout your married life.

 

If you want it to change - then start taking action to make sure it changes!

[S2B]

What did her phone show?

 

Have you placed a camera in the house and in her bedroom to see what's really going on?

 

Start finding out what's real. You've beloved her lies for so long you can't see how pathetic your marriage has become.

 

Also, have a post nup drawn up...protect all your assets. Demand that she work full time.

 

And have your kids DNA tested - they may not be yours.

[usa1ah]

Jay what about the abortion?

 

You can’t remember the last time the two of you had sex and she is telling you she is having one.

 

That is when you should have divorced your cheating wife.

[Confused48]

I have not read the whole thread but it does seem that you are willingly looking the other way at a lot of suspicious activity. A lot of people here didn't have one 10th the evidence you have, yet once they get here and get the advice you have gotten, they get motivated to investigate.

 

Perhaps you don't mind all that much if she had a couple of affairs? That is not all that unusual if true. As long as she treats you well enough, in your opinion, is it maybe better not to rock the boat and let her have her dirty little secrets? Is that what you are doing?

[usa1ah]

I believe that he has turned a blind eye to it for so long that his wife thought he was fine with it. It’s not like he had not know she was off drunk for hours at a time with another man or two.

[elaine567]

He doesn't want to know the truth.

So here we could have 99 people telling him they found out they were right and one saying they were wrong and he would go merrily on his way secure in the knowledge it is highly unlikely his wife is cheating on him...

 

I get it though, better to live in blissful ignorance than to have to face the ugly truth, blow up his world, get a costly divorce, the kids would find out and he spends years in humiliation and misery...

[Confused48]

He doesn't want to know the truth.

So here we could have 99 people telling him they found out they were right and one saying they were wrong and he would go merrily on his way secure in the knowledge it is highly unlikely his wife is cheating on him...

 

I get it though, better to live in blissful ignorance than to have to face the ugly truth, blow up his world, get a costly divorce, the kids would find out and he spends years in humiliation and misery...

 

Costly divorce, yes. Check.

 

But you lost me at, years in humiliation and misery.

 

I think he is in for years of humiliation and misery if he doesn't pony up for the costly divorce. If he pays the price for a divorce, he avoids modeling dysfunction to his children and gets a new life with no contact with the person who wants to humiliate him and make him miserable.