anika99 Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 Again, FWB are not exclusive. If you're fwb tells you they want you to only date them and only have sex with them, then they are not your fwb, they are your gf/bf. You seem to be very confused about what constitutes a relationship. What I am gathering from you is that you are okay with never getting married or having a live in boyfriend but you definitely do want him to be your exclusive monogamous bf. He is never going to tell you he is dating other women because he know it upsets you and you are not okay with it. And you won't tell him the truth about your expectations either because you know he won't be okay with it. You are both being dishonest and you are both trying to manipulate each other. 1
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Posted January 1, 2018 If he doesn't want a relationship with anyone iNCLUDING YOU, then why are you monitoring him like a jealous girlfriend would? There is so much speculation and desperation in the tone of your posts OP that i don't think rushing toward him is the answer. He is obviously exercising his right as a non-coupled to be not coupled on NYE and sell you a dream that he doesn't feel like living up to (in retrospect after the ask). Putting on the brakes so to speak. He is jerking you around and being disrespectful of your time, especially on NYE. He's kinda might be doing it to keep you from going out and seeing other guys but STILL not wanting to commit himself. First of all, you need to stop worrying about other girls. He can do that. Say it to yourself again: he can do that. Accept it. He might be and he might not be using the option to do so--doesn't mean he is any closer to committing to you. So even if you had this info, it really should not affect how you act with him going forward. Right now you are in a panic of desperation and anxiety. Speculating about outside influences is only going to fuel that. You need to focus on solely yourself and what you want. It's obvious you want a relationship and are accepting less (pretending that you are fine with it, hoping his mind will change). Just take the basics: it doesn't matter the reasons but he was being disrespectful of your time and your "friendship". What would you do if anyone else did that to you? Like a friend--because let's face it that's effectively what his level of "commitment" is to you. IMO, you back off, pull back because he is showing you he is not a wise investment and your previous investment is making you unstable about the situation. I know you want the "perfect" answer, such as a strategy that will make him wake up. Or to do something extreme that will get an immediate answer. I think if you aren't capable of cutting it all the way off (plus you should give him some benefit of the doubt since he is conducting the relationship with you on terms he thinks have been ok with you and you haven't been honest with him that they aren't), then you should pull way, way back. It's more than a guy being with another girl. Some people will always put themselves first and be dismissive of you--um, yeah don't sign up for that. Without speculating like crazy, if he's putting another girl in front of you, would you want to be with him? Um, no don't sign up for that. Do you have enough info about his trustworthiness, state of mind etc to really know what his intention was? No. Do you think, even if he handled it poorly, that the excuse of the kids was good enough, i.e. they are more of a priority than you? Yes, probably. Are you going to grill him about the truth? God, I hope not. You do what the only thing someone in your situation with an outcome that you seem to want does: you pull back out of respect for yourself and being unsure of what you want to do with this person going forward. You can always shut it all the way off--now or later if you decide. How he handles the aftermath will be a sign of his character but I would let him try to come to you rather than pushing forward. I think you should strongly consider moving on from him but if you are not ready to do that, pulling back is the thing to do. And stop worrying about other girls, it dulls your shine. Know that you are the best for him and hope he figures it out in time. *btw, your arrangement with him allows other girls so if that doesn't work for you at this stage, pull back and when he tries to see you you can explain that getting close around christmas, followed by being bailed on has you confused and you don't want to put yourself in this situation anymore. Your post really hit home, because you're right about everything you said. I have no intention to grill him for the truth about last night, because I know how crazy I would sound, and he won't be telling me the truth anyway. So no point in that. I did voice my disappointment that he waited until the very last moment to bail, and part of me does think it may have been to prevent me from making other plans, but this is as far as I will go. This is kind of what I was thinking of doing, and your advice reinforced that it's the right course of action: pull back, and let him come to me. He may do so, or he may not, especially if he is now an item with whoever he spent the night with. I will be my usual self, albeit more reserved, I will not initiate any plans and I will no longer have sex with him, unless something changes in his level of commitment.
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Posted January 1, 2018 What I am gathering from you is that you are okay with never getting married or having a live in boyfriend but you definitely do want him to be your exclusive monogamous bf. . Yes, that's exactly what I would like, but it doesn't seem to be happening. Probably it's a lot to ask from someone, I don't know.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 Yes, that's exactly what I would like, but it doesn't seem to be happening. Probably it's a lot to ask from someone, I don't know. Not necessarily. But I don't think he fits the bill. I'm curious why you want this, though? Not criticizing, just curious.
JuneL Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 OP: How did you spend X'mas together? Since his kids were not involved, did he spend the holiday with your family? Did you cook a traditional holiday meal? Or did you just hang out together? If it was the latter, then he might just have nowhere to go, namely, he spent X'mas with you not because you're important to him.
JuneL Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 Not necessarily. But I don't think he fits the bill. I'm curious why you want this, though? Not criticizing, just curious. Let me give it a try: This middle-aged man is acting like a classic bad boy, and that's so hot.
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Posted January 1, 2018 Not necessarily. But I don't think he fits the bill. I'm curious why you want this, though? Not criticizing, just curious. Because aside from his commitment issues, we are extremely compatible, more so than I've ever been with anyone. We can talk about everything and anything, we like the same things, activities, the chemistry is there and has been for many years... Technically everything a couple should have we have. Minus the couple thing :/
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 Because aside from his commitment issues, we are extremely compatible, more so than I've ever been with anyone. We can talk about everything and anything, we like the same things, activities, the chemistry is there and has been for many years... Technically everything a couple should have we have. Minus the couple thing :/ Sorry, I meant why you want a long term monogamous relationship (with anyone), but don't want to marry or cohabitate.
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Posted January 1, 2018 OP: How did you spend X'mas together? Since his kids were not involved, did he spend the holiday with your family? Did you cook a traditional holiday meal? Or did you just hang out together? If it was the latter, then he might just have nowhere to go, namely, he spent X'mas with you not because you're important to him. He doesn't celebrate Xmas so we just hung out at his place, the kids were gone. I just figured if he was with another woman, he would have spent it with her. And the NYE plans we had reinforced this train of thought. But now that he bailed on NYE, I am back to suspecting there is someone else.
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Posted January 1, 2018 Sorry, I meant why you want a long term monogamous relationship (with anyone), but don't want to marry or cohabitate. Oh... I am not the marriage type...been there done that... and I love living alone, I am too set in my ways and living with a man would drive me nuts. 1
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Posted January 1, 2018 Let me give it a try: This middle-aged man is acting like a classic bad boy, and that's so hot. Nah, he acts like the opposite of a bad boy... pretty boring life really...
JuneL Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 He doesn't celebrate Xmas so we just hung out at his place, the kids were gone. I just figured if he was with another woman, he would have spent it with her. And the NYE plans we had reinforced this train of thought. But now that he bailed on NYE, I am back to suspecting there is someone else. Exactly my guess. X'mas carries no special meaning to him, so don't think his letting you hang out on this major holiday means anything.
JuneL Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 Nah, he acts like the opposite of a bad boy... pretty boring life really... When I said bad boy, I meant his attitude: not giving a fxxk about what you think. 1
Miss Spider Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 But the question still remains...what do I do? I am now relatively sure he spent NYE with someone else, because he didn't text me at all after 6 pm, nor did he message at midnight to wish me a happy new year. [...] Please help, I don't know what to do here... He did spend it with someone else...that much is clear. And not even a Happy New Year text...something a lot of people get from people in their phone whose name's they don't even recognize. Not saying this to be hurtful, just to put into perspective how far on down on the priority list you are when being a priority is important to you. If he told you straight up he was choosing to spending NYE with another woman, what would your next step be?
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Posted January 1, 2018 When I said bad boy, I meant his attitude: not giving a fxxk about what you think. Oh... Yes, I guess I can say that, although he does care about my opinion in certain aspects...but does he concern himself with not hurting my feelings? No, usually not. He is pretty blunt that way and not one for subtleties or reassurance.
preraph Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 He has always told me no woman he has dated has ever met his kids. He has always kept his dating life away from the kids, so I will never meet them. I am ok with that, I am not a kid person anyway so I'm awkward around them. The only time I get to go to his house is when they are out. Our plan was to hang out at his house, but since they stayed in, this was no longer possible. Are you 100% sure he's not also got a wife? 1
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Posted January 1, 2018 Are you 100% sure he's not also got a wife? Wife no, definitely. But a girlfriend... I am no longer sure about that.
Whodatdog Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 Because aside from his commitment issues, we are extremely compatible, more so than I've ever been with anyone. We can talk about everything and anything, we like the same things, activities, the chemistry is there and has been for many years... Technically everything a couple should have we have. Minus the couple thing :/ You may feel like you have chemistry with him, but he certainly doesnt with you. He can take you or leave you...thats not chemistry. A good friendship, maybe. I think the reason he doesnt want you contacting him when the kids are there is that he may well be seeing someone else. The fact he's hiding you, doesnt want anyone knowing you are even friends, is pretty sad. I know others here think he's a jerk, but he can only be a jerk if you let him be. You seem to think you've had some kind of relationship or friendship for a very long time, yet he treats you like an afterthought. He can't do that unless you let him. 2
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Posted January 1, 2018 You may feel like you have chemistry with him, but he certainly doesnt with you. He can take you or leave you...thats not chemistry. A good friendship, maybe. I think the reason he doesnt want you contacting him when the kids are there is that he may well be seeing someone else. The fact he's hiding you, doesnt want anyone knowing you are even friends, is pretty sad. I know others here think he's a jerk, but he can only be a jerk if you let him be. You seem to think you've had some kind of relationship or friendship for a very long time, yet he treats you like an afterthought. He can't do that unless you let him. You know what? I agree with you. I have definitely let him get away with way too much, because I never wanted to lose him. I think I am an afterthought, after all he knows I would be there no matter what he does because I never showed him otherwise. Maybe it is time I changed that. If it's that easy for him to bail on me at the drop of a hat, maybe he doesn't deserve me. The thing with him is that it's hard to impose boundaries because I never know the truth, I only know what he tells me; it could be true or it could be a lie, I never know. For example in this NYE instance, had I known he was with someone else I would say "game over, I realize we are not in a relationship but it is not ok to bail on me like this, with no notice what so ever". But how can I say this when he invoked an unpredicted situation with his kids? Yes I can voice my disappointment with the short notice, and I have, but this is as far as I can go. Without knowing the truth, how can I impose boundaries? If he was honest and told me he is seeing other women, I would then say I was not ok with it; or I was ok with it, whatever the case may be. But if he tells me there is nobody, and that I should believe him, then what?
JuneL Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 If he was honest and told me he is seeing other women, I would then say I was not ok with it; or I was ok with it, whatever the case may be. But if he tells me there is nobody, and that I should believe him, then what? You seem to care only about whether he spent NYE with another woman. As a previous poster pointed out, it's extremely rude of him to bail you on your NYE plan (that was made a long time ago) in the last minute, barring a true emergency. Would you do this to a friend? 1
Miss Spider Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 I think the way to establish the boundaries would be 'the talk' about exclusivity. That's the way a lot of people do it. But he doesn't want to be exclusive. What's his reasoning? You two are practically a couple without being one. You have to ask yourself why that is. Remember, though, that all this is moot anyway because despite the chemistry, you don't trust him. But tbh, if you are emotionally close but doesn't want to commit and you have caught him in lies I feel like you have you have reasons not to trust him vs it being just a general distrust or paranoia.
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Posted January 1, 2018 You seem to care only about whether he spent NYE with another woman. As a previous poster pointed out, it's extremely rude of him to bail you on your NYE plan (that was made a long time ago) in the last minute, barring a true emergency. Would you do this to a friend? It's definitely very rude, and I told him that and that if he didn't feel like spending NYE with me, he should have told me in advance so I could make other plans. But if he brought up a situation with his kids, what else can I really say? Stuff happens when you have kids, and it could be true (not that I think it is). But I can't say it was a lie either, because I don't know. For all I know, it was an unpredictable situation that came up because teenagers are prone to temper tantrums.
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Posted January 1, 2018 I think the way to establish the boundaries would be 'the talk' about exclusivity. That's the way a lot of people do it. But he doesn't want to be exclusive. What's his reasoning? You two are practically a couple without being one. You have to ask yourself why that is. Remember, though, that all this is moot anyway because despite the chemistry, you don't trust him. But tbh, if you are emotionally close but doesn't want to commit and you have caught him in lies I feel like you have you have reasons not to trust him vs it being just a general distrust or paranoia. He already told me he doesn't do relationships and doesn't want one any longer. Part of the reason is because back when we were in a relationship I was expecting him to call daily and would question him when he didn't (which I know was a mistake, but I had my reasons). He doesn't want to go down that road again. I thought things were improving lately, but I was wrong. NYE proved that what I thought was going on was just wishful thinking on my part.
JuneL Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 (edited) I would have accepted it if one of his kids had an unexpected health issue and he had to take the kid to the hospital. He didn't even bother to make up a better excuse, because he didn't have to. It's definitely very rude, and I told him that and that if he didn't feel like spending NYE with me, he should have told me in advance so I could make other plans. But if he brought up a situation with his kids, what else can I really say? Stuff happens when you have kids, and it could be true (not that I think it is). But I can't say it was a lie either, because I don't know. For all I know, it was an unpredictable situation that came up because teenagers are prone to temper tantrums. Edited January 1, 2018 by JuneL
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Posted January 1, 2018 I would have accepted it if one of his kids had an unexpected health issue and he had to take the kid to the hospital. He didn't even bother to make up a better excuse, because he didn't have to. I agree, that's the excuse I would have used if I was in his shoes lol. He is not a good liar, to be honest. I can usually tell when he is fibbing, but somehow in this situation I don't have any gut feeling.
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