He bailed on our NYE plans and I don't know if I should believe his reason

[elaine567]

I think you are doing what a lot of people do when they do not want to give up on a relationship.

They minimise and excuse the bad things that happen, the things that are often making them miserable and instead of leaving they put up tougher conditions as to what would make them leave all together.

As time goes on they accept and absorb all the usually worsening bad behaviour in their desperate attempt to keep the relationship.

 

He is texting some woman from Craigslist, he was just chatting and looking, he never did anything,I am upset and disappointed

BUT if I find out for certain he is cheating, he is gone.

He has now had a ONS, but he was drunk and she took advantage him, he says he loves me and I will forgive him eventually I guess,

BUT if I find out for certain, he has done this again, he is gone.

 

Oh dear, he has been cheating on me with a coworker for a year, she is sooo ugly, she forced him to do it, he is sooo sorry, OK I am not happy at all but I will learn to forgive him, he was in a bad way at the time,

BUT if I find out for certain she was not the only one, he is gone...

 

Each time the boundary is breached it is replaced with another, and when that is also crossed, it is again replaced with another and so on and so forth.

So from stating if he is cheating he is gone, she has now forgiven a year long affair in the hope that she can still keep him.

He has got away with murder and she is increasingly upset, but is determined to stick in there regardless...

[Back_Again]

I think you are doing what a lot of people do when they do not want to give up on a relationship.

They minimise and excuse the bad things that happen, the things that are often making them miserable and instead of leaving they put up tougher conditions as to what would make them leave all together.

As time goes on they accept and absorb all the usually worsening bad behaviour in their desperate attempt to keep the relationship.

 

He is texting some woman from Craigslist, he was just chatting and looking, he never did anything,I am upset and disappointed

BUT if I find out for certain he is cheating, he is gone.

He has now had a ONS, but he was drunk and she took advantage him, he says he loves me and I will forgive him eventually I guess,

BUT if I find out for certain, he has done this again, he is gone.

 

Oh dear, he has been cheating on me with a coworker for a year, she is sooo ugly, she forced him to do it, he is sooo sorry, OK I am not happy at all but I will learn to forgive him, he was in a bad way at the time,

BUT if I find out for certain she was not the only one, he is gone...

 

Each time the boundary is breached it is replaced with another, and when that is also crossed, it is again replaced with another and so on and so forth.

So from stating if he is cheating he is gone, she has now forgiven a year long affair in the hope that she can still keep him.

He has got away with murder and she is increasingly upset, but is determined to stick in there regardless...

 

Possibly...this does sound like me. I don't want to give this up, that's for sure. But I really thought we were working towards something meaningful again, only to now realize that wasn't happening, he just thought I'd be down for a FWB situation. I'm sure my behavior is to blame for that. So I have to do damage control and at the very least try to stay platonic friends with him and not spend as much time with him as I have been. I have given him the girlfriend treatment but without any commitment on his part, and that needs to stop.

[Purepony]

But the question still remains...what do I do?

 

I am now relatively sure he spent NYE with someone else, because he didn't text me at all after 6 pm, nor did he message at midnight to wish me a happy new year.

But...I don't have any way of knowing for sure. I can't accuse him to his face without proof, or I will look insane.

 

I would really appreciate it if you guys could tell me how would each and every one of you handle it when he reaches out, today or whenever? He will probably say he went to bed before 12. Would you act as if you believed him and go on as normal? Would you be polite but will start distancing yourself? Would you just ignore his calls/messages?

 

Please help, I don't know what to do here...

 

 

Love shack has already told you what to do !! You refuse to listen you don’t want advice you want validation !!

 

Block this liar !! Who doesn’t care enough about you to call you or text you on New Years and start the new year fresh with someone who doesn’t have so many stupid demands this early on!!

 

What’s wrong with people today who love to get slapp d and stepped on and want more !

 

Sign up for theraphy and forget this clown !

 

But..... that’s not what you want to hear you want this.

 

Go beg him immediately and apologize for the evil thoughts maybe you can buy him a new car to make up for it and hope he is not cheating .

[Purepony]

He already told me he doesn't do relationships and doesn't want one any longer. Part of the reason is because back when we were in a relationship I was expecting him to call daily and would question him when he didn't (which I know was a mistake, but I had my reasons). He doesn't want to go down that road again.

I thought things were improving lately, but I was wrong. NYE proved that what I thought was going on was just wishful thinking on my part.

 

 

For the love of god he even told you upfront he doesn’t want a gf he just wants someone he can pound for free when he’s available.

 

This guy might even still be married for all you really know or working things out I have friends who date people with kids and I’ve never h and of anything like this.

Leave while you still can

[Versacehottie]

You know what? I agree with you. I have definitely let him get away with way too much, because I never wanted to lose him. I think I am an afterthought, after all he knows I would be there no matter what he does because I never showed him otherwise.

Maybe it is time I changed that. If it's that easy for him to bail on me at the drop of a hat, maybe he doesn't deserve me.

The thing with him is that it's hard to impose boundaries because I never know the truth, I only know what he tells me; it could be true or it could be a lie, I never know. For example in this NYE instance, had I known he was with someone else I would say "game over, I realize we are not in a relationship but it is not ok to bail on me like this, with no notice what so ever". But how can I say this when he invoked an unpredicted situation with his kids? Yes I can voice my disappointment with the short notice, and I have, but this is as far as I can go. Without knowing the truth, how can I impose boundaries?

If he was honest and told me he is seeing other women, I would then say I was not ok with it; or I was ok with it, whatever the case may be. But if he tells me there is nobody, and that I should believe him, then what?

 

OMG, I am disappointed reading this. You are acting as if the ONLY infraction is if he is "cheating" on you--which he wouldn't be but I digress....You are convincing yourself that you have a de facto relationship because he is not with other women (that's why you are obsessed with whether or not he has been). AS IF that is the thing that makes it like he really cares for you--when you are getting info on a daily basis that he doesn't care for you that much by the way he treats you. Think about this: isn't it far more insulting that you are in his life doing you very best to make him notice you and do everything right and he would rather do no one, do nothing than pick you wholeheartedly.

 

I think what you are also failing to realize that by letting him treat you indifferently that when a woman comes along that makes him step it up he will be enthralled. You treat yourself like you are "worth it" and other people will take notice. By accepting so much less, you are showing him you are not worth much and he has no reason to give effort. I know you are in crisis mode so a little leeway for that but I'm not thinking you are really getting it.

 

You have probably gotten into some patterns where he may never see you in a valued way--but in the case that you haven't, YOU need to step it up for yourself. I hate to tell you how most of these stories end: these guys that say they don't want a relationship will meet or begin something with the right woman--the one who may not be better than you on paper, looks whateve--but does expect him to treat her a certain way--and you will be completely blindsided.

 

If the excuse about his kids was true, yeah it's a priority over you (they are teenagers so I doubt they really needed supervision AND what sort of tantrums are grown children having that need that kind of attention but again I digress). The bottom line is that he can give that excuse WITHOUT offering a heartfelt apology or a replacement/makeup date and you are going batsh*t trying to figure out if he is with someone else. I am going to guess he was with NO ONE else but just didn't feel like spending the night with you was that compelling--as that matches THE REST of what has been going on during you knowing him. If this is ok with you, keep dating him and wait for the blindside. If it isn't change what you are doing and put yourself first. I can't see why you are desperate to spend time with someone who treats you like an afterthought.

 

*ps everything you have said on this thread is expecting serious relationship behavior, when that is not what you are to each other. Get your expectations in line.

[purrrfectlyflawed]

That’s ridiculous. Sounds like he will never make a committment to you. His kids are well old enough for him to date. He’s making excuses

 

 

 

He has always told me no woman he has dated has ever met his kids. He has always kept his dating life away from the kids, so I will never meet them. I am ok with that, I am not a kid person anyway so I'm awkward around them. The only time I get to go to his house is when they are out.

Our plan was to hang out at his house, but since they stayed in, this was no longer possible.

[Back_Again]

OMG, I am disappointed reading this. You are acting as if the ONLY infraction is if he is "cheating" on you--which he wouldn't be but I digress....You are convincing yourself that you have a de facto relationship because he is not with other women (that's why you are obsessed with whether or not he has been). AS IF that is the thing that makes it like he really cares for you--when you are getting info on a daily basis that he doesn't care for you that much by the way he treats you. Think about this: isn't it far more insulting that you are in his life doing you very best to make him notice you and do everything right and he would rather do no one, do nothing than pick you wholeheartedly.

 

I think what you are also failing to realize that by letting him treat you indifferently that when a woman comes along that makes him step it up he will be enthralled. You treat yourself like you are "worth it" and other people will take notice. By accepting so much less, you are showing him you are not worth much and he has no reason to give effort. I know you are in crisis mode so a little leeway for that but I'm not thinking you are really getting it.

 

You have probably gotten into some patterns where he may never see you in a valued way--but in the case that you haven't, YOU need to step it up for yourself. I hate to tell you how most of these stories end: these guys that say they don't want a relationship will meet or begin something with the right woman--the one who may not be better than you on paper, looks whateve--but does expect him to treat her a certain way--and you will be completely blindsided.

 

If the excuse about his kids was true, yeah it's a priority over you (they are teenagers so I doubt they really needed supervision AND what sort of tantrums are grown children having that need that kind of attention but again I digress). The bottom line is that he can give that excuse WITHOUT offering a heartfelt apology or a replacement/makeup date and you are going batsh*t trying to figure out if he is with someone else. I am going to guess he was with NO ONE else but just didn't feel like spending the night with you was that compelling--as that matches THE REST of what has been going on during you knowing him. If this is ok with you, keep dating him and wait for the blindside. If it isn't change what you are doing and put yourself first. I can't see why you are desperate to spend time with someone who treats you like an afterthought.

 

*ps everything you have said on this thread is expecting serious relationship behavior, when that is not what you are to each other. Get your expectations in line.

 

Again, you have pointed out things I theoretically know are absolutely a must for me to do, but haven't done them.

I am aware that I have to step it up, but for whatever reason I keep staying complacent because it's easier. But today, especially after reading your post, I have decided to actually do something about it.

First step is to stop looking at what we have through the lens of a relationship, because there is no relationship. Then, I will need to take a step back and start treating him like a friend - and nothing more. Not go out of my way to hang out, only do it when it benefits me (I have nothing better to do).

Sex will be removed from the equation, it only happened once as "friends" so it should be easy to say it was a one-off but I don't have sex without a commitment (it's true).

Does this sound like a good plan? Is there anything else you suggest I do?

[elaine567]

Start being unavailable and I mean truly unavailable.

Start doing things especially fun things or things that make YOUR life better, things that take up a lot of your time so that when Mr Unavailable is looking around for a friend you actually do have better things to do with your time.

[ZoeGirl]

You are not happy being an afterthought, so stop acting like you are okay with it. If someone truly values and cares about you after dating for a lengthy enough time, and is still treating you like an afterthought, then the relationship is going nowhere.

[Versacehottie]

Again, you have pointed out things I theoretically know are absolutely a must for me to do, but haven't done them.

I am aware that I have to step it up, but for whatever reason I keep staying complacent because it's easier. But today, especially after reading your post, I have decided to actually do something about it.

First step is to stop looking at what we have through the lens of a relationship, because there is no relationship. Then, I will need to take a step back and start treating him like a friend - and nothing more. Not go out of my way to hang out, only do it when it benefits me (I have nothing better to do).

Sex will be removed from the equation, it only happened once as "friends" so it should be easy to say it was a one-off but I don't have sex without a commitment (it's true).

Does this sound like a good plan? Is there anything else you suggest I do?

 

It's a better plan than the one you have been running with. I don't think it's thorough enough though. Listen, why do strangers on the internet think more highly of how you should be treating yourself than you do?

 

You can't be wanting to hang on SO much that you still let him in your life that much and play the "friends" game. he is already fine with the friends game--that's what he wants--totally comfortable for him. Also I really don't think you can manage seeing him as a friend when your real intentions are different. YOU need space. I know it might be hard for you to do everything at once. Try to break it down into little pieces and don't look so far into the end of where you may never date him again. First little piece is not going to have sex with him anymore. good you're on board with that. Second, TAKE not give TAKE some space, in time, in communication, in your willingness to be at the ready for him. Be clear, WHEN he contacts you (don't contact him) just say you are figuring some things out and too busy or occupied to get together and that you will be in touch when/if things settle down. Then or simultaneously do some serious work on your self-esteem. you need to take this on a day to day basis where seeing him or getting him to commit or anything about his is NOT the goal.

 

I meant to post this earlier to say that right now everything you are doing is PASSIVE that is what is making your mind go crazy. Nothing you are doing is ACTIVE and for you. Being passive will make you drop your self-esteem lower and lower. So effectively even asking him (taking an active stance) would be better than all this passive stuff you are doing. I don't think you should do that by the way--but even throwing a hail mary and sticking up for yourself which is active is better than acting passive and having your mind run rampant. You need to do things with a different goal in mind. Rather than to secure some time, commit, something from this guy (another person is an immovable object effectively). You need to do something that you can control and where the outcome is in your control, i.e. not something he may or may not give you.

 

Also having conflicting intentions (wanting serious relationship behavior, without wanting a progressing relationship as you say you don't want that for yourself) will leave you with conflicting results. Get clear on what it is you really want. I actually don't think it is an open ended thing with no future otherwise you wouldn't be so upset and invested and it conflicts with the majority of what you describe here on this thread. Maybe you want a relationship with the right person that progresses to living together and a solid future with the right guy. Ok so then you need to find the right guy, not settle for a less than thing. You are behaving as a woman with no options and you have plenty if you take them. Also this is what generates bad behavior from the people in your life.