I need help with my girlfriend, I’m freaking out!?

[Cookiesandough]

If I were you, I would use this time to get over her. Simple as that. If she does come back in say a week? What’s stopping her from pulling this stunt all over again. You gonna keep rewarding bad behavior? Let her cause all this emotional turmoil in your life all over again? Don’t let her think she can call it quits and then just come back into your life.

 

You’re the man. You have options. She’s not the one for you. If she was, you wouldn’t be here posting this right now.

 

 

This should be stickied in the Break up section. Unfortunately, everyone would just read it, think 'hmmpphh I'm not letting go that easily. Our love is REAL.', ignore it, and proceed to their 2+ years of grief-stricken denial and confusion until they get hit in the face with reality it's over.

[GemmaUK]

Hockey, you nee to get a grip.

 

She's finished with you, doesn't want to be with you, she has changed her mind.

You've thrown out all kinds of things:

She's wrong

She needs to come to her senses

It's hormonal - I'm guessing you mean she was what? Out of her mind and her period caused this?

She's cheating

It's just emotion

You say her reason for breaking up is petty

 

If you have behaved with her the way you have in this thread then you're the reason she ended this. You're clingy and needy and you've smothered her.

People need time and space to get on with their lives and you don't seem to have any consideration for that.

Being part of a couple doesn't mean you are in contact all day every day.

You were complaining that her contact went down to 1-3 texts a day - that's a healthy amount, not a minimal amount.

You say that her reasons for breaking up are petty and that people abuse their partners, well, if you guilt tripped her ever for not contacting you or ever belittled her for it then. You also seem to want to have the ability to control her, make her do as you want, insisting upon knowing what she was doing every hour of the day - all of that - yeah - that is actually abuse. It's emotional abuse.

All those comments above which I listed and you wrote are belittling and it's totally clear you have zero respect for her as you've made this all about you.

Your happiness is not her responsibility, it's yours and when a person needs space they mean it, I suspect she told you this several times and you chose to ignore her or 24/48 hours later you were back to over-texting again.

If it's anything like my relationships that turned like this then I deleted text after text of me saying 'yeah, I'm busy at the moment doing xyz, I'll get back to you when I'm free' - only for the guy to send me another text or several asking loads of different questions and expecting me to reply straight away.

 

It's clear from your posting history that another relationship ended due to your smothering too. This is a pattern with you, one which you need to snap out of or it will destroy any relationships you have.

 

You need to control this behaviour you have before you date anyone else.

You can't keep expecting that a person should be continually answerable to texts or calls all day long, it will exhaust them and they'll soon realise life will be less stressful with you not in it.

Dating, even LD dating should be fun, not filled with stress and pressure from a person being blatantly inconsiderate but so wrapped up in themselves that they can't see what they are doing.

[lolablue17]

I don't think you're thinking crearly right now, and your judgement is, how to express that politely? not one of the best. You're acting out of an obssession, adiction, and you are very needy. You offered to support her, but you are really thinking only about yourself and your own interest. I'ts fine.

 

So, let me help you thinking about your interests. If she comes back, you need to really understand - What has just happened says about her character and about how does she deal with difficulties. On her view you're not the one who calms her down, you're the one who makes her feel stressed. This is reality, no matter how talented you are to ignore it.

 

So I think that for your best interest, she's not the right girl for you (as long as this is LDR because a regular R is a totally different thing). Even if she wants you back, you should say no. Because this pattern of behavior is who she really is (when it's related to you). Why on earth would you take back someone who will throw you like a garbage can every time she feels some difficulties?

 

Unfriend her, block her from social media. If you are such a rare adoreable great guy, there will be other girls better for you.

Edited January 2, 2018 by lolablue17

[Popsicle]

Real life has a way of sobering up people up who are in long-distance relationships.

[elaine567]

Gemma is correct, you have an unhealthy way of viewing relationships.

 

When people say it is over, that they are done, that they want to break up, they are not saying those things on a whim.

 

They are saying it because they mean it, they are saying it because they are literally done, they are saying it because they are not in love any more, they are saying it because they have thought long and hard, they are saying it because they have come to a decision, they are saying it because they are at the end of their tether, they are saying it because they see no future...etc.etc.

 

Here, she wanted to end it.

As the dumpee you get no choice in the matter, it is her decision and you have to just accept it, the sooner you accept it the sooner you will get over it.

People are not possessions, they have minds of their own.

You have no control over what another person does or thinks.

Dating is not about finding someone and putting up with them for the next 60+ years, it is a test of compatibility and when one person wants to split, it is all over.

 

When a person rejects you, there are rarely second chances, so best to get into a better mindset and think "Thank you very much for a lovely few months of my life, but now it has come to an end and that is OK, onwards and upwards."

[Hockey52]

Hockey, you nee to get a grip.

 

She's finished with you, doesn't want to be with you, she has changed her mind.

You've thrown out all kinds of things:

She's wrong

She needs to come to her senses

It's hormonal - I'm guessing you mean she was what? Out of her mind and her period caused this?

She's cheating

It's just emotion

You say her reason for breaking up is petty

 

If you have behaved with her the way you have in this thread then you're the reason she ended this. You're clingy and needy and you've smothered her.

People need time and space to get on with their lives and you don't seem to have any consideration for that.

Being part of a couple doesn't mean you are in contact all day every day.

You were complaining that her contact went down to 1-3 texts a day - that's a healthy amount, not a minimal amount.

You say that her reasons for breaking up are petty and that people abuse their partners, well, if you guilt tripped her ever for not contacting you or ever belittled her for it then. You also seem to want to have the ability to control her, make her do as you want, insisting upon knowing what she was doing every hour of the day - all of that - yeah - that is actually abuse. It's emotional abuse.

All those comments above which I listed and you wrote are belittling and it's totally clear you have zero respect for her as you've made this all about you.

Your happiness is not her responsibility, it's yours and when a person needs space they mean it, I suspect she told you this several times and you chose to ignore her or 24/48 hours later you were back to over-texting again.

If it's anything like my relationships that turned like this then I deleted text after text of me saying 'yeah, I'm busy at the moment doing xyz, I'll get back to you when I'm free' - only for the guy to send me another text or several asking loads of different questions and expecting me to reply straight away.

 

It's clear from your posting history that another relationship ended due to your smothering too. This is a pattern with you, one which you need to snap out of or it will destroy any relationships you have.

 

You need to control this behaviour you have before you date anyone else.

You can't keep expecting that a person should be continually answerable to texts or calls all day long, it will exhaust them and they'll soon realise life will be less stressful with you not in it.

Dating, even LD dating should be fun, not filled with stress and pressure from a person being blatantly inconsiderate but so wrapped up in themselves that they can't see what they are doing.

 

Actually if she told me for a few minutes in the day hey I’m busy doing something etc I would leave her alone. I actually never double texted I would never bother her if she took very long. She actually would send me messages when I was busy even when she knew “???” “ u there”. They would be only after 30 mins-2 hours.. I would NEVER do that. When she answered me I would only say is everything okay if it’s been over 8-10 hours... that’s not smothering! I know I may sound stupid but I feel she will be back. I say it because even though her text may sound harsh to me I truely feel she will miss me especially me being so good to her she never had anyone treat her that well. She even said it when we were together. How I’m so caring and loving then she does a 360....

[ExpatInItaly]

It happens, OP.

 

Someone feels the thrills of a new relationship but once that dies off, they realize they're not that interested anymore. How well you treat her is unfortunately irrelevant if she just doesn't have the same interest in you any longer.

 

Break-ups are rarely entirely mutual. One party is allowed to leave at any time, for any reason that is valid for them. She doesn't feel she's ruined anything if she didn't want to be with you anymore, man. Yes, it sucks and it feels unfair but that's what happens in a break-up.

[Hockey52]

It happens, OP.

 

Someone feels the thrills of a new relationship but once that dies off, they realize they're not that interested anymore. How well you treat her is unfortunately irrelevant if she just doesn't have the same interest in you any longer.

 

Break-ups are rarely entirely mutual. One party is allowed to leave at any time, for any reason that is valid for them. She doesn't feel she's ruined anything if she didn't want to be with you anymore, man. Yes, it sucks and it feels unfair but that's what happens in a break-up.

 

I understand.. but I may be in denial but I really do feel she will be back.. even though she said “you asked me to think about it and I feel the same” I’m honestly lost without her she absolutely means everything to me and I’m dying inside and I know she will miss me she’s making a big mistake... I just can’t stop thinking about her and how are it is to not try to contact her... I know if I have any chance I guess not to say anything......

[Hockey52]

It happens, OP.

 

Someone feels the thrills of a new relationship but once that dies off, they realize they're not that interested anymore. How well you treat her is unfortunately irrelevant if she just doesn't have the same interest in you any longer.

 

Break-ups are rarely entirely mutual. One party is allowed to leave at any time, for any reason that is valid for them. She doesn't feel she's ruined anything if she didn't want to be with you anymore, man. Yes, it sucks and it feels unfair but that's what happens in a break-up.

 

She hasn’t blocked me or anything so far I know she blocked her ex.. I’m not sure if that means anything....

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I understand.. but I may be in denial but I really do feel she will be back.. even though she said “you asked me to think about it and I feel the same” I’m honestly lost without her she absolutely means everything to me and I’m dying inside and I know she will miss me she’s making a big mistake... I just can’t stop thinking about her and how are it is to not try to contact her... I know if I have any chance I guess not to say anything......

 

NO, You do not KNOW this. You're not omniscient.

 

People say all sorts of stuff when relationships are new. She said she's never had anyone treat her like you do. You said you couldn't bear to go a day without hearing from her.....yet here you are, still kicking.

 

You can't base your insistence that she's "wrong" on what she has said in the past. It just doesn't matter. It doesn't mean she hasn't changed her mind about you or that she's making a big mistake.

 

People are allowed to change their minds. She clearly has. And that sucks for you, for sure. But it doesn't for her.

[Hockey52]

NO, You do not KNOW this. You're not omniscient.

 

People say all sorts of stuff when relationships are new. She said she's never had anyone treat her like you do. You said you couldn't bear to go a day without hearing from her.....yet here you are, still kicking.

 

You can't base your insistence that she's "wrong" on what she has said in the past. It just doesn't matter. It doesn't mean she hasn't changed her mind about you or that she's making a big mistake.

 

People are allowed to change their minds. She clearly has. And that sucks for you, for sure. But it doesn't for her.

 

Okay then....

[BaileyB]

She hasn’t blocked me or anything so far I know she blocked her ex.. I’m not sure if that means anything....

 

Probably not. She's been pretty clear, her feelings have changed and she does not want to date anymore. It's time for you to accept that and move on. Why would you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you?

 

I know it's hard, but there will be other girls... Life goes on...

[Hockey52]

Probably not. She's been pretty clear, her feelings have changed and she does not want to date anymore. It's time for you to accept that and move on. Why would you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you?

 

I know it's hard, but there will be other girls... Life goes on...

 

I know you’re probably right... just breaks my heart we had such a good relationship going not sure why in hell she wanted to break it off... she hasn’t been active much at all anywhere but I know that doesn’t mean anything but I guess she lost a good guy who would do anything to make her happy I’m not even just saying it I would do anything for her....

[ChatroomHero]

It sounds like she is being open with you but you are not believing what she is telling you directly. Is she wishy-washy? Does she lie to you? Does she often change her mind about big things from one day to the next?

 

 

If so, why would you want to be with her? If not, why would you not believe her this time?

 

 

If I am stressed and need space and tell someone, I will be clear and say I am stressed, I need space. If I was still interested I would not ever tell them to go on and find someone else and be happy. I wouldn't ask them to wait for me but I wouldn't encourage them to find someone else. For that matter, if I was really interested in them I would want their support.

 

 

She told you straight up how she feels. If you believe she is going to change her mind, how do you think she would handle every other major issue in life, the ones that come up all the time? If you really believe she will come back, you must believe every time something stressful comes up in the future she would deal with it by pushing you away. Would you even want that?

[Hockey52]

It sounds like she is being open with you but you are not believing what she is telling you directly. Is she wishy-washy? Does she lie to you? Does she often change her mind about big things from one day to the next?

 

 

If so, why would you want to be with her? If not, why would you not believe her this time?

 

 

If I am stressed and need space and tell someone, I will be clear and say I am stressed, I need space. If I was still interested I would not ever tell them to go on and find someone else and be happy. I wouldn't ask them to wait for me but I wouldn't encourage them to find someone else. For that matter, if I was really interested in them I would want their support.

 

 

She told you straight up how she feels. If you believe she is going to change her mind, how do you think she would handle every other major issue in life, the ones that come up all the time? If you really believe she will come back, you must believe every time something stressful comes up in the future she would deal with it by pushing you away. Would you even want that?

 

No I wouldn’t but this isn’t the girl i known before she was very caring and she only wanted to make me happy. I don’t know what’s gotten into her but I guess that’s her decision to give up a good and very loyal guy... she means everything to me it’s going to be hard for me to move on... I just wonder why she didn’t delete me or anything on anything... I feel she will contact me soon I’m not hoping just a feeling.. even though she said that. I know it sounds stupid but I honestly cant digest her being with anyone else I Love her.....

[python23]

at this point you've got to walk away and accept the fact she doesn't want this.

your last text should be, well I'm sorry you don't want this anymore, thats fine, I accept it, give me a call if you change your mind, take care.

 

then never speak to her again, ever.

 

she left you, you now have to give her the gift of missing you. vanish from social media for a while.

 

and if she doesn't miss you she was never yours to begin with. we've all been there. its gut wrenching but its life unfortunately. the worst thing you can do is continue to reach out to her.

[Hockey52]

at this point you've got to walk away and accept the fact she doesn't want this.

your last text should be, well I'm sorry you don't want this anymore, thats fine, I accept it, give me a call if you change your mind, take care.

 

then never speak to her again, ever.

 

she left you, you now have to give her the gift of missing you. vanish from social media for a while.

 

and if she doesn't miss you she was never yours to begin with. we've all been there. its gut wrenching but its life unfortunately. the worst thing you can do is continue to reach out to her.

 

Well I see her on Facebook active sometimes but I’m doing my own thing. My last text was actually that saying I respect your decision but I’m never leaving your side... give me a call whoever you can❤️.. I know it was a little too much but i love her.. she knows that.. I won’t say anything else. It’s been 2 days now..

[python23]

Well I see her on Facebook active sometimes but I’m doing my own thing. My last text was actually that saying I respect your decision but I’m never leaving your side... give me a call whoever you can❤️.. I know it was a little too much but i love her.. she knows that.. I won’t say anything else. It’s been 2 days now..

 

I know exactly you feel I honestly do, it takes over your mind, hence the reason you're on this site.

 

but you need to accept the fact that she will probably never come back. unfollow her on all social media and live your life, don't try and make her jealous, it doesn't work. work on yourself, work out. see friends, time does heal these things but it does take a while.

if she knows you're around waiting she won't miss you or ever want you back. you have to move on and go completely no contact. and certainly no soppy quotes online. post nothing for a while.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I know you’re probably right... just breaks my heart we had such a good relationship going not sure why in hell she wanted to break it off... she hasn’t been active much at all anywhere but I know that doesn’t mean anything but I guess she lost a good guy who would do anything to make her happy I’m not even just saying it I would do anything for her....

 

I have a question for you. You have said multiple times in this thread that you can't believe she'd break up with you because you would do anything for her.

 

Do you think this is the most important thing to her in a relationship partner....that they'd do anything for her to make her happy?

 

I ask because it often takes a LOT more than that. You'd DO anything to make her happy, but maybe there are other parts of the relationship that did NOT make her happy. Maybe the distance. Maybe some things in your personality. Maybe your views on certain things. You may think you're the prefect boyfriend, but I can assure you that you are not the perfect person . (Nobody is)

 

Your INTENT is good. It's great. But that's not what relationship success is about. There has to be a compatibility in many, many ways, and sometimes the realization that you aren't as compatible as you (or one half of the couple) originally thought you were takes several months to figure out.

[heavenonearth]

I think that you are probably only seeing what you want to see. Surely there must have been behavior from her side that you ignored, because this stuff doesn't happen out of nowhere. People always think it does, but...usually the signs are all there... you just like to overlook them, because it does not fit into your narrative of things.

[Hockey52]

I have a question for you. You have said multiple times in this thread that you can't believe she'd break up with you because you would do anything for her.

 

Do you think this is the most important thing to her in a relationship partner....that they'd do anything for her to make her happy?

 

I ask because it often takes a LOT more than that. You'd DO anything to make her happy, but maybe there are other parts of the relationship that did NOT make her happy. Maybe the distance. Maybe some things in your personality. Maybe your views on certain things. You may think you're the prefect boyfriend, but I can assure you that you are not the perfect person . (Nobody is)

 

Your INTENT is good. It's great. But that's not what relationship success is about. There has to be a compatibility in many, many ways, and sometimes the realization that you aren't as compatible as you (or one half of the couple) originally thought you were takes several months to figure out.

 

No we were very compatible we never ran out of things to talk about, we were both excited and she was telling everyone about me and her parents etc.. maybe the distance but she knew from the start but we had a PLAN. she was going to come here and we had our visits in line. I know I’m not perfect but maybe I di get a little stressed and she saw it with her not communicating like before but I apologized a few times and I promised i will calm down it was just my insecurities I told her. And as a person who “loves” you should compromise and understand and make me feel comfort. Like I did with her. My parents and I were very open and loving to her they offered her to stay at my house we have a spare room to save her on hotels etc. Not many people will be that open especially parents. But they saw how happy I was with her. She should see it too. I really don’t believe her reasons and why she did it. I don’t understand what I offered even to fly there out of my schedule and time to comfort her and she still refused. I know we both have our faults but I really did try my best hence my faults.. that’s why I truely believe I know hope isn’t good but maybe ina few days or week she will contact me...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No we were very compatible we never ran out of things to talk about, we were both excited and she was telling everyone about me and her parents etc.. maybe the distance but she knew from the start but we had a PLAN. she was going to come here and we had our visits in line. I know I’m not perfect but maybe I di get a little stressed and she saw it with her not communicating like before but I apologized a few times and I promised i will calm down it was just my insecurities I told her. And as a person who “loves” you should compromise and understand and make me feel comfort. Like I did with her. My parents and I were very open and loving to her they offered her to stay at my house we have a spare room to save her on hotels etc. Not many people will be that open especially parents. But they saw how happy I was with her. She should see it too. I really don’t believe her reasons and why she did it. I don’t understand what I offered even to fly there out of my schedule and time to comfort her and she still refused. I know we both have our faults but I really did try my best hence my faults.. that’s why I truely believe I know hope isn’t good but maybe ina few days or week she will contact me...

 

This is still mostly all about your intent. Intent is simply not enough to sustain a relationship if the other person has changed her mind. You can intend to be the best boyfriend in the world to the gorgeous lady you see in the coffee shop, but that doesn't mean it's enough for a relationship because you have no clue if you're compatible. And yes, I know you thought you guys were a match made in heaven, but for some reason she has decided you are not, so your intent isn't going to take you any further.

[python23]

No we were very compatible we never ran out of things to talk about, we were both excited and she was telling everyone about me and her parents etc.. maybe the distance but she knew from the start but we had a PLAN. she was going to come here and we had our visits in line. I know I’m not perfect but maybe I di get a little stressed and she saw it with her not communicating like before but I apologized a few times and I promised i will calm down it was just my insecurities I told her. And as a person who “loves” you should compromise and understand and make me feel comfort. Like I did with her. My parents and I were very open and loving to her they offered her to stay at my house we have a spare room to save her on hotels etc. Not many people will be that open especially parents. But they saw how happy I was with her. She should see it too. I really don’t believe her reasons and why she did it. I don’t understand what I offered even to fly there out of my schedule and time to comfort her and she still refused. I know we both have our faults but I really did try my best hence my faults.. that’s why I truely believe I know hope isn’t good but maybe ina few days or week she will contact me...

 

unfortunately like the above post said, no matter how well you treated her and low much you love her its not enough. you've obviously done enough things to turn her off.

 

needy behaviour is a turn off, an insecure man that shows he's scared of losing his girl is a subconscious turn off. girls pick up on these behaviours and over time they start to question their commitment to you.

 

Ive learnt this the hard way, relationships are all about giving and loving in a way that the other person feels free to come and go as she pleases, love in a way that the other person feels free, as soon as you start to show these weak signs of behaviour you'll unfortunately turn her off.

 

I suggest you read the book, how to be a 3 % man by Corey Wayne. you'll understand what I'm saying once you do

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

oving in a way that the other person feels free

 

I actually have a variation of this quote on a photo of my daughter releasing a balloon on my Facebook page somewhere . I love it.

[python23]

I actually have a variation of this quote on a photo of my daughter releasing a balloon on my Facebook page somewhere . I love it.

 

its very true, especially in a relationship, smothering someone with your love and good intentions isn't going to work for long.