Stepmother issues

[Healing1979]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this post.

 

I just need some advice. I separated from my husband 6 years ago. We have 3 children who we co parent in a 50% shared parenting agreement.

 

He is remarried. He met her a year after we split. Within a week or 2 after them getting together she was on social media calling my boys 'her boys'. I hadn't even met her. Within a month she had moved her children to our school, was calling him her 'hubby' and was trying to set up coffee dates with my friends. A few months later I was bullied into sharing my boys with her on mothers day. I was still healing from my separation and I now I had this woman in my life who was forcing her way in like a bullet a gate. As a very sensitive person, it was hard. All the while she was posting about their fabulous life and 'my family'. Everyone asked her to stop posting things online about my boys and about me, including my ex MIL and ex husband but all she did is ramp it up. I understand that this was my insecurity but there were no boundaries. I tried not to look at the things she was posting but my will power at the time wasn't very good plus I had so many people looking and feeling the need to tell me. Her posts were almost daily. It was so constant. She then went on to tell me that my boys were unhappy with me and are very happy with her and that it breaks her heart when she sees their faces before they have come home to me.

 

They bought my middle son who is 12yo a phone for Christmas (actually a hand me down). She set up the phone and saw fit to set herself up as 'mum <3' in the contacts. I sent a photo of this to my ex and said it was unacceptable. He said she is more of a mum than I am and I need to be grateful for her. He said 'if she was out to get you (I never said to him she was) why would she give you presents each year'. Last year she gave me photos of my sons at their wedding as a Xmas present. Also when they were getting married, they originally booked it on the weekend of my birthday and then when I said we had already started planning a family holiday with cousins, mum and my dying uncle - he blasted me. I never told him that the boys could not go to their wedding, We hadn't even booked the holiday - I only said that I was disappointed. Of course I would never deny them going. He blamed me for their financial loss of things booked even though he never checked with me before booking things. I never asked him to cancel. She was sending my eldest son messages about me like 'your mum is jealous and being difficult'. Also so many messages telling him she loved him and missed him and what her and my ex were up to. I know it sounds like I'm jealous and of course I probably am but it all felt like mind games.

 

So just a few days ago, my ex saw nudey photos on my middle son's new phone. He took a screen shot and sent it to me and said it was all my fault. The phone was from him and he didn't set up any restrictions yet because it happened at my house it was 'all on me'. He was furious and said I'm turning them into materialistic people. It was vicious and made no sense. He is very abusive to me and we do not get along at all. If things don't go his way, he calls me names and sends very longs text messages. Never compromises. Never thanks me. Its always negative.

 

Anyway this morning at 4am, I received an email from his wife. It was so long (longer than this post). It was went on and on. She talked about my marriage breakdown and the fact that it was my fault, also about my 'dysfunctional' upbringing, and how she has spent hours countering allegations and rumours I have spread about her. She said I'd never undermine her relationship with her in-laws (my ex in-laws) which was so random. She said a few times that she wishes she was the one who gave birth to my boys. The point of her very long email was to ask me to met up with her. She is a lawyer and is obviously very good when it comes to confrontation. I am not. I'm intimidated by her. I'm hurt by her. I feel manipulated. I have seen her become out of control. I know her background from her ex's perspective and its a bit scary. Even her sister has an AVO out on her. But I know my boys are suffering from the hostility. My middle son wants to move in with me 100% of the time and has broken down at school. My eldest son barely says a word. My youngest son is trying to protect everyone with white lies.

 

What is the point of meeting. So I can tell her everything I've just told you? So she can rehash everything she said in her email? If I don't bend to her way, it'll be WW3. If I don't meet her, they'll tell my boys.

 

I'm very emotional but I don't know what to do.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Holy smokes. Wow. I had a hard enough time with my kids and their new step mom and she's actually a nice person.

 

I can't even imagine what you're going through.

 

I would advise you a thousand times over to not meet with her. You do not owe her anything and there's no reason you need to be speaking to her face to face. If there's an issue with one of the kids, offer to meet with their father, alone, not with her. She's not their mother.

 

My only advice with regard to your kids is to just stay strong and positive. Let them say all they want. Kids are perceptive and as long as you can remain steady and positive and not badmouth anyone, you know where they are going to feel the most comfortable and what they will eventually come to realize all on their own.

 

Also, I am not sure I'm believing he "met her after a year" and then she immediately jumped in so full force. I'm more apt to believe "their relationship went public after a year."

[LivingWaterPlease]

I also advise you not to meet with her. Maybe just be "too busy" to do it? I've been through this type thing and know very well what you're dealing with. Best to live above it all as much as possible. Your kids will figure it all out on their own and will respect you for not getting involved in these dramatic emotional skirmishes she likes to instigate.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I also advise you not to meet with her. Maybe just be "too busy" to do it? I've been through this type thing and know very well what you're dealing with. Best to live above it all as much as possible. Your kids will figure it all out on their own and will respect you for not getting involved in these dramatic emotional skirmishes she likes to instigate.

 

Yes, this. I've never been in this situation, thank the Lord, but I have a friend who has. Many years later, they actually ARE able to meet for lunch and talk like grownups. But it took a lot of tongue-biting and pride swallowing. And the kids knew all along what was up, trust me <3.

[somanymistakes]

As the people on a step-parenting forum say "there's no name for the relationship between a stepmother and an ex-wife, because there shouldn't BE a relationship"

 

They're usually dealing with crazy drama-prone exes, of course, but the same principle applies.

 

Contact should be between the two bio-parents. NOT between you and the stepmom. Sure, if you guys get along well that's a nice bonus and it makes life easier for the kids if you can tolerate each other's presence at events. But if either one of you is giving the other one headaches? Just no.

 

Delete her, block her. Do not read what she posts on social media.

 

Take care of your kids as much as you can while they are in your care and rise above the whole thing, don't let her drag you into a war if you can help it. Enforce the custody order to ensure you get your time. Don't try to take his time but get a schedule enforced and stick to it.

[Healing1979]

Thank you. I felt like I had no choice but to meet her even though my gut instinct tells me it’s pointless. Now I know it’s not a good idea.

 

Her email went for days. Should I address any of her arguments or statements or just respond saying communication will remain between myself and him as the biological father?

 

I shouldn’t feed in to any of it but how dare she talk about my life and my upbringing. She has a superiority complex.

[mrs rubble]

Thank you. I felt like I had no choice but to meet her even though my gut instinct tells me it’s pointless. Now I know it’s not a good idea.

 

Her email went for days. Should I address any of her arguments or statements or just respond saying communication will remain between myself and him as the biological father?

 

I shouldn’t feed in to any of it but how dare she talk about my life and my upbringing. She has a superiority complex.

Yes I think you should tell her communication should be between you and the biological father and leave it at that.

Do you have a lawyer for the children? When I separated the children had their own lawyer in working out care agreements. If the same happens in Australia, I'd be getting in touch with him/her and explain how your son is expressing to you how he is wanting to be with you 100% of the time. I would also inform him of the new wife's hostility the way she put's you down, you have the proof in that email. She's obviously not a very smart lawyer to be sending you evidence of her hostility.

[anika99]

Thank you. I felt like I had no choice but to meet her even though my gut instinct tells me it’s pointless. Now I know it’s not a good idea.

 

Her email went for days. Should I address any of her arguments or statements or just respond saying communication will remain between myself and him as the biological father?

 

I shouldn’t feed in to any of it but how dare she talk about my life and my upbringing. She has a superiority complex.

 

I agree with everyone else that you shouldn't meet with her. You shouldn't be dealing with her at all. Matters concerning your children should only be addressed to your ex. She has no business talking to you.

 

If you respond to her email just tell her that your life is not her concern and that going forward you would prefer to no longer have contact with her. DO NOT defend yourself or counter anything she said in her email to you. That would just be playing into her hand because she wants to bait you into an argument and then she will talk circles around you and try to make you look like you're the problem. Just don't play her game.

 

You want to know what makes people like her crazy? What really gets under their skin? Being totally ignored and treated like they are insignificant. So start practicing the art of ignoring. Ignore her Facebook posts, ignore her emails, if your family or your sons repeat things that they have heard her say about you, ignore ignore ignore. It will be hard at first but the more you ignore her the less important she will be. Soon she truly will be insignificant to you. Meanwhile she will be gnashing her teeth and pulling her hair out at being ignored by you because she is the insecure one. She needs to be able to humiliate and demean you so she can feel more important.

 

Take away her power and she will be furious but what can she do about it? Nothing. You arent actively doing anything against her. Your not fighting with her, you're not badmouthing her, you're not doing anything wrong at all. You're just getting on with your life and leaving her petty ass in the dust. She's nothing, she's invisible. Start practicing.

[Healing1979]

Thank you all for your supportive messages. I feel really empowered. I’m either going to respond to him to say communication is to remain between us or maybe just ignore it all together ?

[IReallyLovePuppies]

Question..

 

All these emails.. Are you able to put thought a restraining order for harassment?

 

That might put a stop to these BS.

 

Just stay strong.. once your kids grown up, they will know and understand.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes I think you should tell her communication should be between you and the biological father and leave it at that.

Do you have a lawyer for the children? When I separated the children had their own lawyer in working out care agreements. If the same happens in Australia, I'd be getting in touch with him/her and explain how your son is expressing to you how he is wanting to be with you 100% of the time. I would also inform him of the new wife's hostility the way she put's you down, you have the proof in that email. She's obviously not a very smart lawyer to be sending you evidence of her hostility.

 

And copy your ex-husband on the email.

[jjgitties]

Don't meet her. She's an insecure insensitive bitch. If she is a professional lawyer, there is nothing you can say or do that will not get turned around back at you.

 

Tell her and your ex to go fauk themselves. Initiate minimal contact with them and maybe even make moves to minimize the amount of time your kids have to spend with them. I mean become an anal bean counter when it comes to times and dates. If the arrangement is 50/50 custody, then go out of your way to bitch when it goes above that. If your children are unhappy and you feel its in their best interests for them to live more with you -- then start initiating plans to make that happen. Do whats in their best interests and you are their mother -- its your job. Even when it comes to protecting them from manipulative adults.

Edited January 2, 2018 by jjgitties

[jjgitties]

Thank you. I felt like I had no choice but to meet her even though my gut instinct tells me it’s pointless. Now I know it’s not a good idea.

 

Her email went for days. Should I address any of her arguments or statements or just respond saying communication will remain between myself and him as the biological father?

 

I shouldn’t feed in to any of it but how dare she talk about my life and my upbringing. She has a superiority complex.

 

So you agreed to meet. It's also very easy to play the, "Opps, sorry something came up last minute. Let's reschedule for next week".

 

As others have said, nothing good will come of this and deal with your ex-H directly on matters concerning your kids. Is she wants to make a total fool of herself on social media, let her. Just stay out of it and unfollow and block her.

[PegNosePete]

Yes I would reply to her email as others have suggested, and CC in your ex husband. Tell her that all future communication regarding the children must come from their father, not her. And tell her that you will not reply to any future emails from her. No need to say anything else. Keep it brief and business like. Then block her on all social media, and ignore any future emails from her. Keep her emails in case you need to refer back to them at some point.

 

She may be a lawyer but lawyers always make the worst clients!!

[jjgitties]

Tell her that all future communication regarding the children must come from their father, not her.

 

I don't think you need to tell anyone anything officially. Just proceed like it's an assumption that all communication is between you and ex-H. There is no need to put anything official in writing.

 

Quite franking something doesn't add up. What sort of law does this person practice? Why would she send long emails and texts that can be used against her.

 

As others have said, its in your and your kids best interests to minimize all contact with her. (maybe even with your ex-H if you two don't get along). Block, unfollow and ignore her. If she reacts by breaking out WWIII, proceed to play the unhealthy environment for your children card. There is no reason why they need to be exposed to this sort of thing.

[stillafool]

I don't want to be mean but you need to grow a pair. What made this woman write you a long email dissecting your divorce anyway? You should have put her in her place a long time ago. Tell your friends and relatives to not inform you of what you ex's wife is posting on social media. When you learn to stand up for yourself these problems will dissolve.

[Healing1979]

I agree! I think Im overly sensitive because I worry about my boys. I have seen them affected by her manipulation. At the moment she isn’t practicing because apparently she quit her job a week before Christmas with no other job to go to. I believe she was pushed out because she is such a crazy. I think this is why her harassment has increased because she had idle hands. I forgot to add, she actually sent that email to my work email address!! So she definitely isn’t the smartest lawyer out there.

 

I became much stronger when I stopped monitoring my sons text messages with her and non one was updating me on her ridiculous posts. At the end of the day, I don’t care what her fb friends or family think of me. I only care about my boys and their well being. I try not to fuel the fire with her and my ex. They are both vicious. It has been traumatic for me dealing with these people, especially as my ex is totally opposite to the man I marriaged and once loved. It’s hard to reconcile sometimes but I have now.

 

I just wrote to my ex and demanded that communication remain between him and I. If I receive an email from her I will demand that she cease and desist any further contact.

 

Thanks for the strength xxx

[whichwayisup]

Make it clear to your children that YOU ARE THEIR MOM, not her. She is step mom and that's it. Until they (your kids) feel ready to be open with her, they should rely and deal with their dad and you.

 

This woman has issues, she's disgusting by emailing you and telling you what you did wrong in the marriage (which is NONE of her business), your ex needs to put her in place and tell her to stop being a beyotch, stop emailing you and just leave the past in the past. This woman should also not be calling the kids HER Kids, they aren't!

[Healing1979]

Hopefully he will see sense and put her in his place. Anyone with half a brain can see that if you want to wipe the slate clean with someone you don’t send an email full of inflammatory comments discussing things that do not concern you. I’ve never met anyone like her. I get along great with my new partners ex. I feel like I would have easily accepted her if she had shown some decency. I do appreciate that she loves my boys but as you’ve all rightly said I don’t have to put up with her rubbish.

 

The other thing is that she is friends with my eldest son on Facebook (he’s 15). He will know who she is referring to in her venting posts. In the end he will resent her if she continues which will be nobody’s fault but her own.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If I receive an email from her I will demand that she cease and desist any further contact.

 

Thanks for the strength xxx

 

I wouldn't even respond to her at all. Forward it to your ex and say, "Please deal with your woman."

[Healing1979]

Yes! Love it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes! Love it.

 

I think you're too nice, Healing. We'll show you how to be sassy!

[sandylee1]

Don't meet her.

 

Don't reply to her email.

 

Forward it to your Ex and tell him...his wife should leave you alone.

 

I think you should get a cease and desist notice against her.

 

She has no reason to speak to you. She's jealous you are the mother of your boys. Simple.

 

I suggest you get the boys into counselling asap. Are you in the U.S. or UK?

[Healing1979]

Hi guys,

 

I needs some more help. I need your strength again.

 

So in case you missed it, I did not respond directly to SM I responded to my ex.

 

I told him I would not met her and that I thought her email was inflammatory and harassment (perhaps I could have left that part out).

 

Anyway he has responded.

 

I have blocked you and will continue to do so until you grow up!

 

Here is how I feel about your arrogance. I told SM to stop trying because you are a stubborn bitch and you have no interest in what’s good for the boys. I said that if you haven’t gotten over whatever it is your holding onto you never will so we need to do whatever we can while the boys are home we support them the best we can because they can see the friction. I also congratulated her on trying so hard over the last few years, even coming out to you accepting she has made mistakes in the past many times like you have but you will never admit to it.

 

You play the, your abusing me and terrorising, card well. I’m not taking it any more. If you want a more positive 2018 let me know or it will be more of the same as it has been for the last 6 years, your choice. It’s upto you as it has been since you decided to move on in 2010.

If you want to send me a blow up email save it. Not interested. If you want to make 2018 easy let me know.

 

I cried for a while and I'm still crying.

 

The thing is I barely say a thing to him and never a thing to her. The first time I've said anything in years about her to him was when she set herself up as 'Mum' on his phone. I didn't say a word when she sent them home last year on Christmas eve and had died their hair bright red and bright purple (and when I asked my boys when it was done, it was done that day because she didn't want to ruin THEIR santa photos), or at Easter time when my eldest came home with his curly locks had shaved off so close to his head that he looked like had been to jail. I didn't comment when she gave me photos of their wedding as a Christmas present. I stopped reading my eldest son's text messages because I didn't want to see what she was saying about me as it was causing upset between my son and I. Even when I blocked her from his phone, she continued through other forms of social media. They refused to support my boys in their chosen sport and my boys would tell me that SHE has said they aren't allowed to play even though I was collecting them and dropping them back. There are so many things I keep my mouth shut about to keep the peace.

 

I don't know if you will read his email like I have or have a different perspective. What I'm 'holding on to' is her behaviour all the way through. There has been no break. How can I let get over it if there has been no reprieve? The thing is if she had actually sent me an email that said 'I'd love to wipe the slate clean this year, can we meet?' I probably would have agreed but her email was full of blame and accusations and discussing things that are none of her business - and I just don't trust her. In the beginning when I was communicating with her she turned on me and flung her rubbish the first time we hit a bump in the road. I feel so weak at the moment and I'm hoping you might be able lend me your strength again.

 

I don't know what to do. I can't afford to go to a lawyer and I earn too much to get legal aid. Last time mediation was discussed he flat out refused. Going to court will mean my eldest 2 son's will have to get up and say where they want to live which terrifies them.

Edited January 3, 2018 by Healing1979

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

These two sound like they are made for each other.

 

Are you sure she didn't actually write that email for him? Can you tell by writing styles? (I ask because the couple I talked about in the beginning of this thread, the wife was writing all the emails and texts to the ex-wife, pretending they were from the husband, but it was obvious. She was super controlling/calling all the shots).

 

You've done nothing wrong and he sounds really awful. I know how you're feeling because I've been on the receiving end of such abuse from my ex. I advise you to do nothing at all. Don't respond. Don't consult an attorney. Don't give them what they want, which is for you to "prove their point" that you're an angry you-know-what. If you get another email from her, just forward it to him. If he truly has you blocked, print it out and mail it to him.

 

These two sound like a nightmare to co-parent with. I'm curious, why did your marriage end?