Would you have asked your boyfriend/girlfriend to leave in this situation?

[Lou1973]

Firstly before I explain here is some background: My boyfriend and I have been together 10 months. He has 2 children, one is 6 and the other just turned 5. I have a 6 yr old as well. He has his kids every second weekend. Each time he has had them he has spent those weekends at my house from Fri night to Sun night. The 6 yr old is reasonably behaved but the 5 yr old runs rampant through my home, can be disrespectful and doesn't listen very well. He has in the past broken several of my daughter's toys, the last episode was when he jammed a mermaid doll in my treadmill. Needless to say it took 30 mins to unjam my machine which could have been broken and unfortunately the doll was broken as a result. I let his kids play with pretty much all of my daughters toys in her toyroom even when they make the biggest mess each time and him mixing up games and puzzle pieces. It's very obvious that they have been brought up very differently to my daughter, pretty obvious certain values and morals have not been instilled in his kids. So the situation is as follows:

 

I chose to put some of my daughters Christmas gifts away in the cupboard out of harms way. a lot of what she got were expensive and in some cases breakable items. I was trying to prevent things getting broken and any unnecessary heartbreak to my 6 yr old. I mean some of the the gifts she got she hasn't even looked at properly or played with and she wanted to do those craft gifts with me. Knowing from previous times, his 5 yr old boy as broken a few of my daughters toys in the past and I didn't want to continue a repeat of this especially with her new stuff. My boyfriend took it the wrong way and insinuated that I didn't think his kids were good enough for our things. An over reaction on his part when all I was trying to do was protect some of my own childs things.

 

He got mad and even after explaining all this to him he doesn't seem to take it on board. I mean it's my home.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

[Lou1973]

Here is the situation: You have been with your partner for 10 mths. You recently broke up for 3 weeks and have been back together for just 3 weeks also. The reason behind the split was due to your partners unhealthy lifestyle which was affecting the relationship in many ways namely they were being secretive and lying to you to cover up their issue.

 

Since getting back together your partner has made an active effort to get their life back on track and although it's only time that can help you learn to trust again you have been trying to be encouraging and supportive as well.

 

However your partner gets upset over something you say and overreacts and he refuses to try and see your point or even take on board how you feel. He then proceeds to sit at the dinner table with his 2 young kids, your young child and you but won't eat anything, instead he chooses to sulk, roll his eyes at you when you ask why he isn't eating and rudely state that he has lost his appetite.

 

He then once kids are in bed, goes to sit outside to ignore you for hours, you go out after a while to see if he wants to talk and he still refuses to see your point and just argues, raising his voice at you, swearing at you and telling you to **** off. Bear in mind you don't live together and this is your home, him and his kids were just staying for the weekend.

 

You walk away because there is no point in continuing the argument. You go to bed, he eventually comes up and grabs his pillow from your bed and goes to sleep with his son on the spare bed instead.

 

You are so mad that he is acting this way after only being back together for 3 weeks that you decide to send him a text message :

 

I can't handle your ****ty attitude and I'm not interested in starting 2018 off like this, you ignoring me, shouting at me and telling me to **** off in my own home so perhaps just go home tomorrow. Go and enjoy your New Years Eve with your kids, I will do the same with my daughter then their will be no further arguments.

[basil67]

I think your choice to do this was wise. But I also don't think it goes far enough.

Personally, I would placed expectations making your boyfriend responsible for having them clean their messes too. "I love when you and the kids are here, but I need you to make sure they tidy up after themselves and put the games back together how they should be". If they jump on the lounge or bed, feel free to put your foot down over that too.

 

I worry that your different parenting styles (I'm more like you) will lead to a lot of friction if you continue together.

[Lou1973]

I'm worried that we just don't follow the same parenting path either. When the kids finish eating, I like to get the broom out and sweep up the mess they make straight after whereas he thinks I should do it once at the end of the day and thinks I'm too over the top..

[BaileyB]

I would have done exactly the same thing.

[BaileyB]

I'm worried that we just don't follow the same parenting path either. When the kids finish eating, I like to get the broom out and sweep up the mess they make straight after whereas he thinks I should do it once at the end of the day and thinks I'm too over the top..

 

I would clean the floor after every meal, assuming there is food on the floor to be swept.

[bachdude]

What does this mean, “...insinuated that I didn't think his kids were good enough for our things”?

 

Is there a large salary gap between the two of you or something?

 

If so, he sounds insecure and touchy about that.

 

Nonetheless, it’s really his issue. His kids already broke a bunch of your daughter’s toys so it’s not like your preemptive protection of her new Christmas toys is unfounded or anything.

[preraph]

Tell him since he isn't controlling his boy, you're doing what you need to to provide the best outcome for your child. let him get mad.

[Lou1973]

No there is no large salary gap between us. We earn roughly the same.

 

I just think he believes that because we are in a relationship that his kids are entitled to my daughters toys and maybe he believes we should share everything and usually I do but as far as I'm concerned my daughter comes first over his children any day and there are just some things that should be only for her, I know that sounds not so nice but it is what it is, goodness what next, will I have to be sharing her god dam clothes out....

[bachdude]

No there is no large salary gap between us. We earn roughly the same.

 

I just think he believes that because we are in a relationship that his kids are entitled to my daughters toys and maybe he believes we should share everything and usually I do but as far as I'm concerned my daughter comes first over his children any day and there are just some things that should be only for her, I know that sounds not so nice but it is what it is, goodness what next, will I have to be sharing her god dam clothes out....

 

You’re totally right OP.

 

If he thinks his kids are entitled to all your daughter’s toys, then it sounds to me he has boundary issues. Do you see boundary issues anywhere else in his behavior?

 

Why would your kids have to share everything anyway? That doesn’t make any sense, even for families. When I was growing up my brother and I had our own stuff and our own rooms for that matter.

[grays]

I think that sounds like an excellent plan. BUT I also think you're being a little judgy. I have two boys who have been raised pretty similarly. Theyre five years apart in age. Until my second was old enough to really start asserting himself, I thought I was the best mom ever and couldn't believe how wild other parents let their kids get. I was judgy and naive. lol

 

Number two has given me a run for my money. He's awesome in all the ways that I really care about but he's just not gonna fall in line with normally parenting techniques, and definitely not easily like my first one did.

 

So he's got two kids. Sounds like one is fine and one is difficult. You choose to see him as a bad parent and give him no credit for the milder kid. You could just as easily have gone in the other direction. I am sure he feels your opinion about him and them.

[Lou1973]

I seem to have really upset him. I can't see to make him happy at all this weekend. I have another post out about whether I was right to ask him to leave as well.

 

He is angry at me for something else as well, go and have a read and feel free to weigh in on the other issue, I'm sure it will leave you scratching your head...

[Cookiesandough]

He believes everything should be shared between your families. You think not because his kid breaks stuff. It's a compatibility issue. Differences in beliefs that clash when two lives converge. Hopefully it's not too big of a deal

[Cookiesandough]

I don't think I'd still be with this person. Lying to me, yelling at me, and telling me to **** off? Abusive relationships are usually gradual

Edited January 2, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

I would have not done this by text. Instead, I would have told him to leave when he sulked and rolled his eyes at me during dinner. I wouldn't have even let him get to the point of swearing at me!

 

No third chances should be offered by you.

[bachdude]

He’s a child, not a grown adult.

 

If you stay with him, you’ll be taking on 3 more kids, not just two.

[grays]

I'd be very scared to invest further with a guy who handles conflicts that way.

 

As for weather you behaved appropriately, seems like a good way to go under the circumstances. He wasn't giving you much to work with.

[LilySun]

I think your message to him is perfect. I would probably say the exact same thing. He sounds like a total brat.

[Lou1973]

I don't think I'd still be with this person. Lying to me, yelling at me, and telling me to **** off? Abusive relationships are usually gradual

 

Yes I understand where you are coming from but lotsvof couples argue with some raised voices and swearing, I'm not saying that's acceptable and personally I don't like it but it happens from time to time. I guess it it was happening all the time frequently then it may be time to hit the road Jack.

[Lou1973]

I would have not done this by text. Instead, I would have told him to leave when he sulked and rolled his eyes at me during dinner. I wouldn't have even let him get to the point of swearing at me!

 

No third chances should be offered by you.

 

If it had of just been the Two of us I may very well have done this immediately however with 3 young children at the table and being the first weekend the kids have come together since we initially split and got back together I didn't want to upset them so I had to sit through and be the bigger person.

[Imajerk17]

Look OP bottom line is, you need to look out for your daughter. She deserves to have her peace, and her posessions not broken. If your boyfriend cannot get his son to behave, then it is a dealbreaker.

[Lou1973]

He’s a child, not a grown adult.

 

If you stay with him, you’ll be taking on 3 more kids, not just two.

 

He left early Sunday morning with his kids blurting out as he was leaving that I'm not exactly perfect myself and I have not heard from him since. He hasn't tried to apologise or to wish me a Happy New Year.

 

I'm not actually going to be the one to reach out or make the first move this time. I'm leaving things as they are. I'm happy with life, have my daughter, have a job, have friends, am strong and independent and have holidays booked and weekends and activities on the go all the time, basically I don't need him, I'm happy from within myself and there my friend lies the danger for him!!

[Lou1973]

I'd be very scared to invest further with a guy who handles conflicts that way.

 

As for weather you behaved appropriately, seems like a good way to go under the circumstances. He wasn't giving you much to work with.

 

Having no contact with him the last 2 days is definitely making me question whether I should just let him to for good. We have other issues too, not sure if you have been the other thread I posted earlier. Its about his carry on with his kids using my childs toys. Both arguments he picked with me at the same time on Sat afternoon.

 

This one here on this thread was because I pulled him up on leaving his 5 yr old in the car asleep after we got back from an outing with no windows or doors open. He told me not to lecture him and got into this mood and behaviour as I've described.

[LilySun]

He left early Sunday morning with his kids blurting out as he was leaving that I'm not exactly perfect myself and I have not heard from him since. He hasn't tried to apologise or to wish me a Happy New Year.

 

I'm not actually going to be the one to reach out or make the first move this time. I'm leaving things as they are. I'm happy with life, have my daughter, have a job, have friends, am strong and independent and have holidays booked and weekends and activities on the go all the time, basically I don't need him, I'm happy from within myself and there my friend lies the danger for him!!

 

Call it a done deal then. Even if he reaches out, clearly he doesn't handle conflict properly and you don't need or want anymore of this nonsense. Especially where kids are involved.