Would you have asked your boyfriend/girlfriend to leave in this situation?

[caveman621]

I did not read all your prior posts or all of the comments on this one. But assuming your description is accurate, get the hell away from him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[1fish2fish]

Just because he isn't actively drinking or smoking in front of your daughter or you, doesn't mean he's changed. He's going to act the same way he always has using angry abusive behavior to deal with his emotions. Until he learns proper coping mechanisms, other than using substance abuse to numb himself from emotions, he can stay "sober" forever but nothing will have changed.

 

You're caught up in a vicious cycle. When things are good, he's amazing and loving. But when he's triggered, he's an abusive ass. You're going to hang in the there until the next "good" cycle because the happy feelings are a drug for you.

 

Save yourself and your daughter while you still can.

Edited January 2, 2018 by 1fish2fish

[kendahke]

I found out he has been hiding a drinking problem from me which was in my eyes the same as lying to me. It had been affecting our relationship and I broke up with him.

 

He has been genuinely trying to turn things around and I have been supportive of that. He attends AA meetings twice a week, has also quit smoking and making healthier choices, hasn't touched a drop of alcohol for 4 weeks. He has been trying. Was doing so well in the relationship overall for the last 3 weeks until this issue on Sat evening..

 

Oh, it's way too soon to expect an alcoholic to turn their lives around and be living consistently as a sober person. He needs at least a year before he's of any good to you.

 

It's clear that you are trying to find some magic pill recipe to cook up for him to flip him into someone he's not interested in being for you right now, but that recipe doesn't exist. He's choosing booze over you and that mistress doesn't let go easily. Your best bet is to just leave him alone and let him hit his own bottom and start his climb back out of it. He will only resent you for trying to help him. Leave him be to figure his way out of this. In the meantime, focus on raising your daughter and don't bring men with issues around her anymore.

[heavenonearth]

Yes I understand where you are coming from but lotsvof couples argue with some raised voices and swearing, I'm not saying that's acceptable and personally I don't like it but it happens from time to time. I guess it it was happening all the time frequently then it may be time to hit the road Jack.

 

Just because a lot of couples argue with some raised voices and swearing doesn't make it right.

My boyfriend and me fight too, but we never raise our voices against each other and we don't swear at each other.

 

It's a thing called mutual respect.

[heavenonearth]

He left early Sunday morning with his kids blurting out as he was leaving that I'm not exactly perfect myself and I have not heard from him since. He hasn't tried to apologise or to wish me a Happy New Year.

 

I'm not actually going to be the one to reach out or make the first move this time. I'm leaving things as they are. I'm happy with life, have my daughter, have a job, have friends, am strong and independent and have holidays booked and weekends and activities on the go all the time, basically I don't need him, I'm happy from within myself and there my friend lies the danger for him!!

 

Manipulative behavior. Trying to make you come to him and apologize for something that was perfectly reasonable... he clearly has no class and doesn't care for your feelings. Lame.

 

Having no contact with him the last 2 days is definitely making me question whether I should just let him to for good. We have other issues too, not sure if you have been the other thread I posted earlier. Its about his carry on with his kids using my childs toys. Both arguments he picked with me at the same time on Sat afternoon.

 

This one here on this thread was because I pulled him up on leaving his 5 yr old in the car asleep after we got back from an outing with no windows or doors open. He told me not to lecture him and got into this mood and behavior as I've described.

 

He cannot handle criticism. If he shouts at you and curses at you in situations in which he is criticized, it shows that he is unable to self-reflect and take responsibility. The man is not a man, he is a child, he's not a grown up! You are better off without him. As someone else here said, abuse shows up gradually...I have been there myself. Don't give in to it. Walk away.

[Versacehottie]

Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that on his weekends with his kids, he spends time with the (relatively) new girlfriend??? It's like he's forcing things into a pseudo family role. Rather than spend the weekend he has his kids alone with them and his weekends he doesn't with the OP, like most people do. idk, I don't like it. Seems like he is using the oP to an extent or her place etc.

 

Also agree with basil--parenting styles don't go together. And frankly his suck if the kid is such a terror breaking toys etc. I knew one boy close to my age who would do the same thing growing up--purposely break toys to cause trauma to the other kids and he turned into a complete and utter nightmare of a person. Idk but i think there's a little bit of sociopathy there and the lack of discipline at this stage does not make it look promising.

 

ugh, i'd probably break up with the guy over this. sorry, just the way i see it.

[Lou1973]

Oh, it's way too soon to expect an alcoholic to turn their lives around and be living consistently as a sober person. He needs at least a year before he's of any good to you.

 

It's clear that you are trying to find some magic pill recipe to cook up for him to flip him into someone he's not interested in being for you right now, but that recipe doesn't exist. He's choosing booze over you and that mistress doesn't let go easily. Your best bet is to just leave him alone and let him hit his own bottom and start his climb back out of it. He will only resent you for trying to help him. Leave him be to figure his way out of this. In the meantime, focus on raising your daughter and don't bring men with issues around her anymore.

 

He hit rock bottom about 6 weeks ago and while we were broken up he was at the lowest point but then he stopped and then reached out so that's when we chatted, I asked him everything I could think of about his past, history with drinking and other things, he was ashamed but answered honestly and was very open and honest. He said that with my support he would do everything to get through this, he would attend AA meetings, change other poor health habits and so far he has stayed true to his word. He did say the following when I texted about his behaviour after his outburst:

 

(I gave you a heads up about nicotine withdrawal and how it might affect me. Yes I overreacted and I'm sorry for swearing at you. I was out of line. I hate being lectured. And I didn't like the way you did this. I wasn't planning on having a fight with you. I just couldn't calm down quickly. I feel hurt the way you think of my kids. So OK I can leave tomorrow if that's what you want.)

 

I understand that can cause a little irritability and moodiness but I think the way he was behaving was a little extreme in my opinion... Can't blame the withdrawal for everything, he knew what he was doing when he told me to **** off in my own home of all places, he knew what he was doing when he chose to sleep in the other room, he was choosing to keep things going, he was choosing to fight

[Versacehottie]

He hit rock bottom about 6 weeks ago and while we were broken up he was at the lowest point but then he stopped and then reached out so that's when we chatted, I asked him everything I could think of about his past, history with drinking and other things, he was ashamed but answered honestly and was very open and honest. He said that with my support he would do everything to get through this, he would attend AA meetings, change other poor health habits and so far he has stayed true to his word. He did say the following when I texted about his behaviour after his outburst:

 

(I gave you a heads up about nicotine withdrawal and how it might affect me. Yes I overreacted and I'm sorry for swearing at you. I was out of line. I hate being lectured. And I didn't like the way you did this. I wasn't planning on having a fight with you. I just couldn't calm down quickly. I feel hurt the way you think of my kids. So OK I can leave tomorrow if that's what you want.)

 

I understand that can cause a little irritability and moodiness but I think the way he was behaving was a little extreme in my opinion... Can't blame the withdrawal for everything, he knew what he was doing when he told me to **** off in my own home of all places, he knew what he was doing when he chose to sleep in the other room, he was choosing to keep things going, he was choosing to fight

 

sorry i need to read the entire thread. but on this alone, i will say, why are you letting someone like this around your daughter? not good, sorry

[Lou1973]

Manipulative behavior. Trying to make you come to him and apologize for something that was perfectly reasonable... he clearly has no class and doesn't care for your feelings. Lame.

 

 

 

He cannot handle criticism. If he shouts at you and curses at you in situations in which he is criticized, it shows that he is unable to self-reflect and take responsibility. The man is not a man, he is a child, he's not a grown up! You are better off without him. As someone else here said, abuse shows up gradually...I have been there myself. Don't give in to it. Walk away.

 

Yes well we have just gone in to Day 4 and still no word from him. However we are still on each others Facebook and so he is very active with his phone. He is on holidays for another week from work. I've never seen him actually posting so much as in the last few days, its almost as if he is seeking some sort of attention. Don't worry I haven't clicked like on any of his posts. I see a meme on there that was obviously a dig at me, it said: "People will bring up the **** you did wrong, nothing you did right and none of the **** they did"

 

Unbelievable. I have no intention of contacting him.

[preraph]

No there is no large salary gap between us. We earn roughly the same.

 

I just think he believes that because we are in a relationship that his kids are entitled to my daughters toys and maybe he believes we should share everything and usually I do but as far as I'm concerned my daughter comes first over his children any day and there are just some things that should be only for her, I know that sounds not so nice but it is what it is, goodness what next, will I have to be sharing her god dam clothes out....

 

Nobody's kids really share toys. This is why siblings beat the crap out of each other. Kids should have their own toys or at least have the discretion to share only if they want to, especially to some little stinker who's only going to break it. I got so mad at my mom when her sister and 7 girls were visiting. Those spoiled girls had a rich dad and nothing meant anything to them. I had very few things of my own, some china horses, a couple of books and some comics. These little jerks were in there breaking my china horses to amuse themselves, and my mother didn't have spine enough to stop them. Grrrrr.

[Lou1973]

Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that on his weekends with his kids, he spends time with the (relatively) new girlfriend??? It's like he's forcing things into a pseudo family role. Rather than spend the weekend he has his kids alone with them and his weekends he doesn't with the OP, like most people do. idk, I don't like it. Seems like he is using the oP to an extent or her place etc.

 

Also agree with basil--parenting styles don't go together. And frankly his suck if the kid is such a terror breaking toys etc. I knew one boy close to my age who would do the same thing growing up--purposely break toys to cause trauma to the other kids and he turned into a complete and utter nightmare of a person. Idk but i think there's a little bit of sociopathy there and the lack of discipline at this stage does not make it look promising.

 

ugh, i'd probably break up with the guy over this. sorry, just the way i see it.

 

Coming together on weekends with all the kids at my home was something that happened right from the get go. Sometimes it was really draining because there were times where he ended up having them on occasion for 3 weekends in a row, that was exhausting for me. At that time due to his drinking problem he was not chipping in financially the way he should have been and yes back then I was used because I was buying all the food to feed him and his kids as well, my grocery bill went up, my utilities, was ridiculous. Upon getting back together I told him that full weekends would not be happening anymore and that him and his kids could come at dinnertime sat evening and they would go home Sunday evening. Fri night and all day sat strictly reserved for my daughter and I. I also told him that he would need to hand over some cash to go towards the food etc which he had done.

[Lou1973]

Coming together on weekends with all the kids at my home was something that happened right from the get go. Sometimes it was really draining because there were times where he ended up having them on occasion for 3 weekends in a row, that was exhausting for me. At that time due to his drinking problem he was not chipping in financially the way he should have been and yes back then I was used because I was buying all the food to feed him and his kids as well, my grocery bill went up, my utilities, was ridiculous. Upon getting back together I told him that full weekends would not be happening anymore and that him and his kids could come at dinnertime sat evening and they would go home Sunday evening. Fri night and all day sat strictly reserved for my daughter and I. I also told him that he would need to hand over some cash to go towards the food etc which he had done.

 

Also just to clarify, his kid I don't think purposely broke toys, I think they were accidents due to rough play and not knowing any better but nonetheless my boyfriend never replaced anything.

[MidwestUSA]

Yes well we have just gone in to Day 4 and still no word from him. However we are still on each others Facebook and so he is very active with his phone. He is on holidays for another week from work. I've never seen him actually posting so much as in the last few days, its almost as if he is seeking some sort of attention. Don't worry I haven't clicked like on any of his posts. I see a meme on there that was obviously a dig at me, it said: "People will bring up the **** you did wrong, nothing you did right and none of the **** they did"

 

Unbelievable. I have no intention of contacting him.

 

 

You need to block him NOW. All of this keeping tabs on what he's posting isn't healthy. He'll get the final message much clearer if he knows you're not a part of his audience. NC means not stalking, not counting days. Do it.

[Lou1973]

sorry i need to read the entire thread. but on this alone, i will say, why are you letting someone like this around your daughter? not good, sorry

 

Look I've always believed that everyone deserves a 2nd chance to redeem themselves. If we shut down every single person that genuinely wanted to make positive changes, if not one ever gave them a go then how can they proove to anyone that they are worthy?

 

He had genuinely been proving his changes via his actions, they wernt just words and that is why I gave him a 2nd chance and have stuck with him. I'm just as disappointed that he behaved this way on the weekend. I keep asking myself why would he do that when he has only gotten back together with me. This is the last thing he should be doing when he is trying to get back that trust in me.. wouldn't you think? He was going so well for the last 3 weeks in our relationship and unfortunately this one bad behaviour showing no respect for me in my home and in general, his lack of caring about my thoughts and opinions as a partner have wiped away all the good things he has done over those 3 weeks.

[Versacehottie]

Look I've always believed that everyone deserves a 2nd chance to redeem themselves. If we shut down every single person that genuinely wanted to make positive changes, if not one ever gave them a go then how can they proove to anyone that they are worthy?

 

He had genuinely been proving his changes via his actions, they wernt just words and that is why I gave him a 2nd chance and have stuck with him. I'm just as disappointed that he behaved this way on the weekend. I keep asking myself why would he do that when he has only gotten back together with me. This is the last thing he should be doing when he is trying to get back that trust in me.. wouldn't you think? He was going so well for the last 3 weeks in our relationship and unfortunately this one bad behaviour showing no respect for me in my home and in general, his lack of caring about my thoughts and opinions as a partner have wiped away all the good things he has done over those 3 weeks.

 

I agree with 2nd chances for the most part but there are variations of how you allow someone back into your life or in at all. So i just think you could have executed his 2nd chance differently, maybe at a distance and gradually let him in closer to your life. THAT's how you let someone show you they have changed--you don't boldly and widely open the door and then be surprised when he has reverted to the person he was/is. He needs a new track record basically. Plus isn't it one of the tenants of AA that you don't start or resume a relationship with someone while in first year of sobriety? You are playing with fire and there are things called dry drunks--don't drink but have explosive tendencies--that's what he seems like. Also if you are giving fairness to the tough trick of trying to remain sober, and not smoke (did i get that right?), he truly has very limited if any space in his head to manage a romantic relationship properly at this point. The whole thing about coming to your house on weekends he has his kids sparks of him leaning on you far too much--like using you territory. And it's an absolute pressure cooker because of all the circumstances.

 

I would not let a person in those circumstances around my kid. It's not healthy and unfortunately because I'm sure it's a hard thing to do, you need to put your kid's needs before your own. Not halfway, all the way. Sorry for the lecture. I mean it but I cannot see why you would want to continue with this person anymore.

 

I also think he was using you to an extent and wonder how long it was before you allowed him to start coming to your place on the weekends in the 10 months of dating. One month? Two? Three? Basically IMO only after 10 months or so of continuous great behavior and assurances he isn't violent, outbursty and pedophily should you ever have let him come around your kid and you start slow with an hour or two in the park and slowly, gradually and certainly not yet move up to him spending the weekend with you and your daughter--sure he has problems and maybe you are too hopeful and too nice and too naive but if you had these sorts of standards in place for you and your family you can prevent future situations like this or a repeat with this guy. Wish you the best.

[Zahara]

I keep asking myself why would he do that when he has only gotten back together with me. This is the last thing he should be doing when he is trying to get back that trust in me.. wouldn't you think? He was going so well for the last 3 weeks in our relationship and unfortunately this one bad behaviour showing no respect for me in my home and in general, his lack of caring about my thoughts and opinions as a partner have wiped away all the good things he has done over those 3 weeks.

 

It is because change is often temporary. What he's showing you is his true nature, his core -- which shouldn't be a surprise since he's consistently behaved poorly during your time with him. True change requires much commitment and effort over a long period of time, with introspection and discipline. You can't expect a man that has had a pattern of ill behavior to suddenly turn for the best.

 

Stop clinging to the image you have of what you hope for him to be. The sooner you accept him for who he is, the sooner you come to terms with letting him go. You said people should be given second chances -- well, he's blown it again.

 

You should block him and consider this the end. Your daughter should not be exposed to a man that behaves this way. It only teaches and models to her that bad behavior is acceptable and should be tolerated in a relationship.

[JuneL]

I think we all want to know when you started allowing this man (and his two kids) come to your house with your daughter.

 

Does he have a decent place? Why can't you and your daughter spend the weekend at their place?

 

Coming together on weekends with all the kids at my home was something that happened right from the get go. Sometimes it was really draining because there were times where he ended up having them on occasion for 3 weekends in a row, that was exhausting for me. At that time due to his drinking problem he was not chipping in financially the way he should have been and yes back then I was used because I was buying all the food to feed him and his kids as well, my grocery bill went up, my utilities, was ridiculous. Upon getting back together I told him that full weekends would not be happening anymore and that him and his kids could come at dinnertime sat evening and they would go home Sunday evening. Fri night and all day sat strictly reserved for my daughter and I. I also told him that he would need to hand over some cash to go towards the food etc which he had done.

[Lou1973]

I think we all want to know when you started allowing this man (and his two kids) come to your house with your daughter.

 

Does he have a decent place? Why can't you and your daughter spend the weekend at their place?

 

It was at the one month mark.

 

He has his own place as well about 50 mins away by car. We have been there but not for full weekends probably because my place is way nicer and closer to the beaches and I prefer my daughter to sleep in her own environment and have access to her toys. His home wasn't decked out the way mine is, his kids don't have alot.

[Lou1973]

It was at the one month mark.

 

He has his own place as well about 50 mins away by car. We have been there but not for full weekends probably because my place is way nicer and closer to the beaches and I prefer my daughter to sleep in her own environment and have access to her toys. His home wasn't decked out the way mine is, his kids don't have alot.

 

and also he didn't have a spare bed anyway, it would have meant my daughter squishing in with his daughter in the single bed which wouldn't have been ideal or comfortable for her. I had a pull out trundle bed in my daughters room for the other girl and I had a sofa pullout bed in the toyroom for the boy, I just was better equipped for extra people I guess

[Imajerk17]

Good grief.

 

This is one messed-up situation. And you should be ashamed of yourself, Lou1973, for exposing your daughter to this. Not only does this all sound extremely uncomfortable to her, but she is learning bad screening mechanisms from watching you "date".

 

Instead of dumping this guy and being more careful whom you let into your life--and YOUR DAUGHTER's life, you are stalking him on social media like some schoolgirl. You need to get a grip.

 

Risking your daughter's safety and sense of well-being like this... What is wrong with you!

Edited January 2, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Versacehottie]

Good grief.

 

This is one messed-up situation. And you should be ashamed of yourself, Lou1973, for exposing your daughter to this. Not only does this all sound extremely uncomfortable to her, but she is learning bad screening mechanisms from watching you "date".

 

Instead of dumping this guy and being more careful whom you let into your life--and YOUR DAUGHTER's life, you are stalking him on social media like some schoolgirl. You need to get a grip.

 

Risking your daughter's safety and sense of well-being like this... What is wrong with you!

 

Ditto on the good grief!! at one month he was a stranger to you--you have no business putting your daughter in this messed up situation and it's an unstable for her to be incorporated into mommy's every new boyfriend. You should have made sure the relationship had legs first and also what type of person you were exposing your daughter too. She is going to mirror your behavior in general it's the most common thing: so imagine a daughter who is so deserpate for a guy that she throws common sense out the window and does desperate, dumb things. Seriously, wake up call.

[Cookiesandough]

This is really scary

[Lou1973]

Good grief.

 

This is one messed-up situation. And you should be ashamed of yourself, Lou1973, for exposing your daughter to this. Not only does this all sound extremely uncomfortable to her, but she is learning bad screening mechanisms from watching you "date".

 

Instead of dumping this guy and being more careful whom you let into your life--and YOUR DAUGHTER's life, you are stalking him on social media like some schoolgirl. You need to get a grip.

 

Risking your daughter's safety and sense of well-being like this... What is wrong with you!

 

Well that stung. But thanks for your honesty.

I have never put my daughter in any dangerous situation while in this relationship. This man isn't all bad. He would sit with my daughter and help do her reading homework with her, when we are dinner he was always a good role model in getting her to eat all her dinner. He actually adores her and she really likes him.

 

She also for the most part enjoys having the kids over and even when they wernt around was always asking for them, over the 10 months the kids formed a genuine bond.

 

I have never brought boyfriends home or exposed her to any man I was dating, my boyfriend was the first one I ended up doing that with because I really felt he was a good guy and genuine person compared to others who I had dated.

 

I'm not stalking him on social media either, we are still on each others facebook as technically we are still together. We have obviously had an argument and I asked him to leave, we haven't spoken since so we have not broken up as yet. His posts come up in my newsfeed and that's how I've seen the stuff he has posted.

[Lou1973]

Ditto on the good grief!! at one month he was a stranger to you--you have no business putting your daughter in this messed up situation and it's an unstable for her to be incorporated into mommy's every new boyfriend. You should have made sure the relationship had legs first and also what type of person you were exposing your daughter too. She is going to mirror your behavior in general it's the most common thing: so imagine a daughter who is so deserpate for a guy that she throws common sense out the window and does desperate, dumb things. Seriously, wake up call.

 

Yes I agree with you. Hindsight is a good thing. I have learnt to be more patient and not rush into anything and will do better in future.

 

In fact right now after I take care of this mess and end it with him I just want to be on my own anyway, just me and my daughter.

[basil67]

We have obviously had an argument and I asked him to leave, we haven't spoken since so we have not broken up as yet.

 

Are you sure about not having broken up yet? Breakups don't always involve having a discussion. Throwing him out and now four days no contact and him posting snide comments on social media about you doesn't do a lot to persuade me that you're still together.

 

Please don't be shocked if you discover that he now considers himself single.