Would you have asked your boyfriend/girlfriend to leave in this situation?

[Lou1973]

Are you sure about not having broken up yet? Breakups don't always involve having a discussion. Throwing him out and now four days no contact and him posting snide comments on social media about you doesn't do a lot to persuade me that you're still together.

 

Please don't be shocked if you discover that he now considers himself single.

 

Well I guess I've always taken on the notion that until one of you communicate it's over clearly whether it be in person, over phone or via text message that it's still 2 people taking space because they are angry.

 

Yes he put up one meme and I'm assuming it's about me but of course I can't be 100% that it is. Yes he changed his profile pic from one of us together to one of just himself but that could be him trying to piss me off even more cause he knows I will see it.

[JuneL]

Is this guy still in high school?

 

Well I guess I've always taken on the notion that until one of you communicate it's over clearly whether it be in person, over phone or via text message that it's still 2 people taking space because they are angry.

 

Yes he put up one meme and I'm assuming it's about me but of course I can't be 100% that it is. Yes he changed his profile pic from one of us together to one of just himself but that could be him trying to piss me off even more cause he knows I will see it.

[heavenonearth]

Lou, please I just want to advise you to not post any personal names on here as you did in a previous post a few pages back! It's very easy to lose anonymity this way!

[Lou1973]

Lou, please I just want to advise you to not post any personal names on here as you did in a previous post a few pages back! It's very easy to lose anonymity this way!

 

yes of course

[LurkerXX]

Lou, the reason why you wait before introducing children until at least a few months in is BECAUSE they can often form such strong bonds so quickly, before adults have reason to believe that this will be a stable, lasting situation. You give it time for the ands, ifs or buts like, 'hey he is a closet alcoholic, or 'he treats his kid breaking others' toys like it doesn't warrant at least an apology from him and/or his kid (which his kid is old enough to start)'. He is always on your turf, but treats it like his own. He does not make an effort to make his own place a little more inviting for himself and his own kids, but instead always imposes. There is an insta-family vibe from this. You should be more cautious with who you invite into your home and he should be just as cautious about inviting an unknown to his family as you should be, as women who are abusive are usually that way towards children than male partners (though some are abusive towards men as well...but abusers in general go for people they feel they can control). It was just too quick from the beginning...you cannot trust that first flurry of good feelings, when everything is fun and everyone is putting their best foot forward, to tell you everything you need to know before exposing your kid safety-wise, or to an emotional bond that may end up having to be broken. It is true that she will have to learn emotional resilience soon enough, but for right now, she needs to know that YOU have her back.

[Lou1973]

Lou, the reason why you wait before introducing children until at least a few months in is BECAUSE they can often form such strong bonds so quickly, before adults have reason to believe that this will be a stable, lasting situation. You give it time for the ands, ifs or buts like, 'hey he is a closet alcoholic, or 'he treats his kid breaking others' toys like it doesn't warrant at least an apology from him and/or his kid (which his kid is old enough to start)'. He is always on your turf, but treats it like his own. He does not make an effort to make his own place a little more inviting for himself and his own kids, but instead always imposes. There is an insta-family vibe from this. You should be more cautious with who you invite into your home and he should be just as cautious about inviting an unknown to his family as you should be, as women who are abusive are usually that way towards children than male partners (though some are abusive towards men as well...but abusers in general go for people they feel they can control). It was just too quick from the beginning...you cannot trust that first flurry of good feelings, when everything is fun and everyone is putting their best foot forward, to tell you everything you need to know before exposing your kid safety-wise, or to an emotional bond that may end up having to be broken. It is true that she will have to learn emotional resilience soon enough, but for right now, she needs to know that YOU have her back.

 

You are right and deep down I know this. I guess I got carried away in the moment. I'm smartening up now thats for sure. Anyway I can see now after 4 days that he doesn't really care about me and he has not bothered to initiate which speaks volumes. If he does end up messaging I will just tell him it's over, wish him the best and for him not to contact me again.

[heavenonearth]

You are right and deep down I know this. I guess I got carried away in the moment. I'm smartening up now thats for sure. Anyway I can see now after 4 days that he doesn't really care about me and he has not bothered to initiate which speaks volumes. If he does end up messaging I will just tell him it's over, wish him the best and for him not to contact me again.

 

Lou, please do not take him back.

He's being super manipulative with this silent treatment right now.

 

It's abuse tactic 101. My ex from many ages ago did the same thing to me.

Over and over. Then found a way to lure me back in only to hurt me again and exhaust me further.

 

Love should not be this difficult.

 

x

[bachdude]

So Lou, what are you going to do? You’ve had a lot of advice on this thread.

 

He may have good qualities, of course. But there are certain behaviors that need to be, should be, deal breakers. Do you think he has those?

 

Imagine this for a moment...a guy that isn’t struggling with a chemical dependency, who handles conflict in a mature fashion, doesn’t yell and swear in front of the kids, doesn’t pout at dinner and refuse to eat, accepts responsibility for his kid’s behavior, doesn’t broadcast vindictive things on FB, and generally has his act together.

 

How does that sound? Appealing? Boring?

[Lou1973]

So Lou, what are you going to do? You’ve had a lot of advice on this thread.

 

He may have good qualities, of course. But there are certain behaviors that need to be, should be, deal breakers. Do you think he has those?

 

Imagine this for a moment...a guy that isn’t struggling with a chemical dependency, who handles conflict in a mature fashion, doesn’t yell and swear in front of the kids, doesn’t pout at dinner and refuse to eat, accepts responsibility for his kid’s behavior, doesn’t broadcast vindictive things on FB, and generally has his act together.

 

How does that sound? Appealing? Boring?

 

Thankyou everyone, you have been very helpful. Yes he does have deal breaking qualities and unfortunately the bad outweighs the good sadly.

 

That sounds appealing what you described and maybe one day i may find him but for now I'm going to take a year out and just concentrate on my daughter and I and give myself and her more time and more of my energy. I'm going to focus on doing the things I love and planning my vacations, saving up for stuff and giving more back to us, right now having a boyfriend would just get in the way.

[Lou1973]

Thankyou everyone, you have been very helpful. Yes he does have deal breaking qualities and unfortunately the bad outweighs the good sadly.

 

That sounds appealing what you described and maybe one day i may find him but for now I'm going to take a year out and just concentrate on my daughter and I and give myself and her more time and more of my energy. I'm going to focus on doing the things I love and planning my vacations, saving up for stuff and giving more back to us, right now having a boyfriend would just get in the way.

 

also knowing him I wouldn't at all be surprised that he knows he has ****ed up yet again and probably realizes he has blown it and that I won't tolerate any further bull **** which explains why he hasn't bothered to reach out and communicate since he went home 4 days ago. He probably knows it's over and its a screwed up situation now.

[heavenonearth]

also knowing him I wouldn't at all be surprised that he knows he has ****ed up yet again and probably realizes he has blown it and that I won't tolerate any further bull **** which explains why he hasn't bothered to reach out and communicate since he went home 4 days ago. He probably knows it's over and its a screwed up situation now.

 

I doubt that this is why he is not contacting you.

The changing profile pic also screams "I don't give a rats ass about you"...

I am sure he wants it to look like he's the one who left YOU! So he can have the upper hand.

 

That's how abusive men are.

[preraph]

Yeah, preserve your dignity by sticking to your guns and not contacting him. If he hasn't contacted you and come to his senses in two weeks, block him from your social media and phone so you don't get that horny call that wakes everyone in the household up one of these days.

[1fish2fish]

Well I guess I've always taken on the notion that until one of you communicate it's over clearly whether it be in person, over phone or via text message that it's still 2 people taking space because they are angry.

 

Yes he put up one meme and I'm assuming it's about me but of course I can't be 100% that it is. Yes he changed his profile pic from one of us together to one of just himself but that could be him trying to piss me off even more cause he knows I will see it.

 

This gave me chills.

 

This is EXACTLY what my exbf aka The Addict did when he broke up with me. He changed his profile pic from one of us to one of his dog and posted passive aggressive memes about walking the path of life alone.

 

Whether it was a cowardly attempt to hurt me (because he was angry with me) to get me running and begging him back, or whether he really wanted to break up, I'll never know. I didn't react...well...I blocked him everywhere because even with my low self worth I had a glimmer of dignity left...and I didn't hear from him for another 4 months when he sent me a breadcrumb.

 

Oh, my ex is 47 and a high functioning alcoholic.

 

Please reclaim your dignity and treat this as a breakup.

[Lou1973]

This gave me chills.

 

This is EXACTLY what my exbf aka The Addict did when he broke up with me. He changed his profile pic from one of us to one of his dog and posted passive aggressive memes about walking the path of life alone.

 

Whether it was a cowardly attempt to hurt me (because he was angry with me) to get me running and begging him back, or whether he really wanted to break up, I'll never know. I didn't react...well...I blocked him everywhere because even with my low self worth I had a glimmer of dignity left...and I didn't hear from him for another 4 months when he sent me a breadcrumb.

 

Oh, my ex is 47 and a high functioning alcoholic.

 

Please reclaim your dignity and treat this as a breakup.

 

Last time we broke up he actually blocked me and so he hasn't this time which shows me he isn't taking it as a breakup but more a continuation of the fight but either way I'm done and he will find out if he has the balls to text me.

[heavenonearth]

Last time we broke up he actually blocked me and so he hasn't this time which shows me he isn't taking it as a breakup but more a continuation of the fight but either way I'm done and he will find out if he has the balls to text me.

 

I don't see the logic in your explanation, but ok, say he just sees it as a 'continuation of the fight' (I don't see it, but ok..), it's irrelevant. What matters is that you do your thing now and never get back with him, no matter what.

 

I suggest you delete all his presence from your social media and block him now, before he can block you. He is just waiting for you to message him, that's why you're not blocked. He wants you to come crawling back to him. But that's not going to happen.

[Lou1973]

I don't see the logic in your explanation, but ok, say he just sees it as a 'continuation of the fight' (I don't see it, but ok..), it's irrelevant. What matters is that you do your thing now and never get back with him, no matter what.

 

I suggest you delete all his presence from your social media and block him now, before he can block you. He is just waiting for you to message him, that's why you're not blocked. He wants you to come crawling back to him. But that's not going to happen.

 

So last time when we broke up, it was crystal clear that we broke up because I ended it and told him to his face. He then reacted to the breakup by blocking me off Facebook. When we got back together he added me on his Facebook again naturally. The reason he hasn't blocked me this time is because neither of us have indicated that its over, he is obviously unsure what's going on in my head because I haven't texted him further either so being that he is unsure what is happening with us he has left me on his Facebook. That's what i was trying to explain before.

 

Yes I'm doing my thing.

[Lou1973]

you sure know how to choose em

 

Yes well you never can tell. Some people are pretty good at hiding things.

[MidwestUSA]

and others have off again on again relationships with bad boyfriends

 

 

Kevin is that you? Did mom leave her computer unattended again?

[1fish2fish]

Last time we broke up he actually blocked me and so he hasn't this time which shows me he isn't taking it as a breakup but more a continuation of the fight but either way I'm done and he will find out if he has the balls to text me.

 

For context, this was our 3rd breakup. He dumped me via text the first time and blocked me for a period. I dumped him face to face the second time and then he "changed" which is why there was a 3rd try. The change lasted 2 months but really, he was just hiding his sh*t better.

 

Why were there even 3 breakups? I had such low self esteem and got caught up in the cycle of loving an addict.

 

The disrespectful manipulative way your ex has treated you is unacceptable. It's in your best interest to block him now and not give him a chance to reach out. Take your power back.

 

Wishing you strength and peace.

[kendahke]

So last time when we broke up, it was crystal clear that we broke up because I ended it and told him to his face. He then reacted to the breakup by blocking me off Facebook. When we got back together he added me on his Facebook again naturally. The reason he hasn't blocked me this time is because neither of us have indicated that its over, he is obviously unsure what's going on in my head because I haven't texted him further either so being that he is unsure what is happening with us he has left me on his Facebook. That's what i was trying to explain before.

 

Yes I'm doing my thing.

 

Seriously, if you really were done with this guy, you'd have blocked him way before now and you'd have gotten him blocked on your own facebook==IOW: you'd have taken a lot more preemptive moves to assure that he can't bring his alcoholic shenanigans to you or your child ever again, but I'm not getting that sense from anything you're writing.

 

What I'm reading is you being 100% invested in this little sick dance of his. As far as you are concerned, it's not over. That much is clear from every one of your replies on this thread.

[Lou1973]

Seriously, if you really were done with this guy, you'd have blocked him way before now and you'd have gotten him blocked on your own facebook==IOW: you'd have taken a lot more preemptive moves to assure that he can't bring his alcoholic shenanigans to you or your child ever again, but I'm not getting that sense from anything you're writing.

 

What I'm reading is you being 100% invested in this little sick dance of his. As far as you are concerned, it's not over. That much is clear from every one of your replies on this thread.

 

That's not true. If I was still invested in him I would have contacted him by now and I haven't. I am done with his **** and not interested any further however I've just been trying to answer everyone's questions on this thread as best I can.

 

I actually unfriended him last night as I felt after a spate of attention seeking posts where he has mini video clips of himself sitting at the beach listening to music on his headphones was just pathetic because at no time did he smile or even look happy, he looked very sad so im betting it was put up for me to see, feel sorry for him and come running back with a "Are you alright text". Which obviously I didn't do, I stayed strong even though I still love him, I did ignore it and moved on ahead.

[Lou1973]

For context, this was our 3rd breakup. He dumped me via text the first time and blocked me for a period. I dumped him face to face the second time and then he "changed" which is why there was a 3rd try. The change lasted 2 months but really, he was just hiding his sh*t better.

 

Why were there even 3 breakups? I had such low self esteem and got caught up in the cycle of loving an addict.

 

The disrespectful manipulative way your ex has treated you is unacceptable. It's in your best interest to block him now and not give him a chance to reach out. Take your power back.

 

Wishing you strength and peace.

 

Just to clarify that we have only broken up once in the relationship. We stayed broken up for 3 weeks and got back together for 3 weeks. Him leaving when we brokeup was done face to face by me. The weekend just gone was not a breakup, it was him getting in a mood and arguing and disrespecting me in my home so I suggested he go back to his so that we all had a chance individually with our own kids (him with his 2) and me with mine to have a nice new years eve and new years day cerebration without any further arguments. Only thing was then that he never bothered contacting me at all after this had happened, he then had put up a meme which I'm guessing was a dig at me and then he went and changed his profile pic of one of us together to one of him just on his own. That's the story in a nutshell.

[kendahke]

That's not true.

 

It is. If it weren't, all of this:

 

I actually unfriended him last night as I felt after a spate of attention seeking posts where he has mini video clips of himself sitting at the beach listening to music on his headphones was just pathetic because at no time did he smile or even look happy, he looked very sad so im betting it was put up for me to see, feel sorry for him and come running back with a "Are you alright text". Which obviously I didn't do, I stayed strong even though I still love him, I did ignore it and moved on ahead.

 

wouldn't be here. In fact, none of this would even be on your radar if it wasn't true.

 

You are too focused on what his reaction is or isn't going to be.

[Lou1973]

It is. If it weren't, all of this:

 

 

 

wouldn't be here. In fact, none of this would even be on your radar if it wasn't true.

 

You are too focused on what his reaction is or isn't going to be.

 

Can we please all try to remember that I am a human, I have feelings and this man and I spent most of our time together over the 10 months, I'm not a robot, I actually fell in love with him and obviously one doesn't just fall out of love with someone instantaneously. It takes time to move through that so yes it's reasonable to assume that I still may be slightly focused on his reactions, doesn't mean I don't understand right from wrong, doesn't mean I want to remain in the relationship, doesn't mean I'm not strong enough to move on without him because I am it just means I'm real and I'm human.

[Lou1973]

So I was thinking alot about all this today and it's good that I have been able to see very clearly the reasons why this could never have worked between us, I'm not trying to convince myself as it became crystal clear and I wanted to share that with you all as you have all been a tremendous help do here are the massive red flags and dealbreakers for me in no particular order:

 

He does not take into consideration my feelings and thoughts

 

He does not communicate effectively and at times not at all

 

He has no coping skills in or during conflict

 

He does not handle criticism

 

He has a complete lack of respect for me as his partner

 

He has some aggressive behaviour

 

He does not face confrontation or show a willingness to calm down and try and sort out any issues instead choosing to ghost me and keep on ignoring me which is a form of emotional and mental abuse

 

He does not role model healthy behaviour in front of his kids and my child and let's them hear and see unsavoury behaviour

 

Also i kind of feel that his lack of contact since Sunday morning has kind of made me feel used for my home in some ways. Not just on the weekend with the kids but he had stayed that week at the beginning of the week at my place while I went to work. Sure he made dinner once and cleaned up around the house but I guess it's better to use someone elses electricity and Water and Wi-Fi instead of your own. It's better to place yourself in a location that serves your purpose to be close to beaches and stuff when you dont have that near your own home and when all you did was hand over a $50 that would hardly have covered half the grocery bills for the week. Yes I'm a fool and only have myself to blame for being so soft but I'm a fool no more....