Is It Easier If You're Poor & Don't have Kids?

[AngryGromit]

One last thing I learned. My 401K was substantial to me but after dividing it, which would include lawyers, and penalties, there in effect wasn't enough money.

 

This is why I gave the Ex $6,000 for the differences in our 401k amounts. There was a $12,000 difference between what her retirement plans had and what mine had. I divided the difference by 50% and gave her $6,000 full value for the amount, it saved a lot of hassle trying to split it up to give her, her share. She really made out better anyway, considering she was getting the share tax free.

 

I think her having her own business certainly helped make her more agreeable to a fair settlement. All in all still cost me 30k, and yea I could have reduced that about by 5k or 10k, with a lawyer probably would have charged me twice as much.

Edited January 3, 2018 by AngryGromit

[Just a Guy]

Hi Brian, good to know that you have benefitted from all the advice freely given here re your impending divorce/ separation from your SO. However, as a point of interest can you let us know the reasons why you want to go down that road? How long have you and your SO been together and are you married or in a common law relationship? Divorce/ Separation is a very final kind of a thing. Something like death. Have either of you been involved in infidelity or is it plain incompatibility? You don't have to answer but it would be good to know. Thanks.

[Brian Eno's Cousin]

Hi Just,

 

Sorry I haven't been focusing on the actual nuts and bolts of the potentially impending divorce. At this point I just feel as if I am past all that and want it done already. But a brutally honest snapshot can be found right here:

 

When we married six years ago (together for ten) she was a positive, ambitious, good-humored individual. A successful artist. We had many things in common, and the main thing that sealed the deal was that we live together nicely, just on a coexistence level. Perfectly in sync. We travel well as well. These aspects still hold true for the most part, but as for my wife? Well, that person I met back then just doesn't exist any more. It really trips me out when I try to think about it. She's literally not there. Her shell has been inhabited by this negative, dark, lazy, acidic, borderline hostile individual. Most evenings, such as this one, it fills me with abject dread just to go home. What will the mood be? Will tonight be misery for me? Most often it isn't, mind you, but the times when it is? I just want to RUN. Right then and there. I'm a chipper, lover of life type of individual, happy go lucky, and to put it bluntly she is simply making me miserable.

 

She quit her art completely (doesn't even do it for fun anymore) and is really bitter about it. I'm still going at it strong. The job she got when she quit? Hates it. Comes home crying. But does she do anything about it? Nope. Lots of big plans, but nothing followed through on. Me, I love my career and have been doing really well. These differences might be ok if she hadn't, over the past two years, started to attack me. She's gotten it into her head that if we could move to some out of the way place she would suddenly be inspired and everything would be right as rain. Which is a fine thing to think.....but I must admit I'm not convinced. I just don't see it in her anymore. My career and entire life are right here, not to mention the fact that I love it here, and I'm just not willing to give it all up on a whim, and if I did make this sacrifice, and months passed and there was still no "inspiration" and she was STILL lying there for hours staring at an iPad....then it would be divorce anyway. And in my heart of hearts I know this would be the scenario. Meanwhile, the attacks get stronger and more frequent. Things I've long considered red flags have been waved from the hillsides. I come under fire for not making enough money (because if I did she wouldn't have to work). I come under fire for "forcing her" to live here when she no longer wants to. I come under fire for not being more successful in selling/promoting my art. The person I married would not be saying these things. The person I married was a true artist who cared nothing for luxuries and was an independently motivated individual. This person attacking me is IN NO WAY the person I married. I don't want to be married to this new person. I don't even know who that is. I wouldn't even give this person the time of day meeting her now. And hey, if I'm such a loser then I'd rather just go off and be a loser and not burden anyone with it, or find someone who loves my loser ass just the way it is.

 

I look at old photographs. Then I look at her. It's the same person on the exterior. So where did she go?

 

I smoke SO MUCH POT to try to mute this long slide into misery and, though it once worked, it doesn't anymore. It enhances it. So I stopped a week ago and took a look around and, dear god, this situation is not good.

 

I try to take solace in our nice apartment, the fact that we still connect on some levels. This too used to work. It doesn't anymore.

 

In my darkest moments I actually cringe when I think about her or see her.

 

Everywhere i go, every book I read, every movie I watch, every street i walk down, I'm constantly looking for an ESCAPE.

 

For a while I thought an "out" would present itself, like a beacon light in heavy fog, but now I know this won't happen.

 

Now I know what I have to do.

 

The time has come to divide that 401K.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thanks for sharing your story. It can be so very draining to be with a such a negative person . I hope she can recognize she needs some help, and I hope you find happiness.

[Brian Eno's Cousin]

Thanks very much for that.

 

It IS draining.

 

I've suggested therapy but she doesn't think a stranger can help her.

 

The interesting thing is, she most likely has no idea just how close I am to doing this. I'm not a big shouter or fighter. Just quitely biding my time.

 

A one man conspiracy.

[d0nnivain]

If you are still wavering between MC & divorce, you need to tell her that if she's saying "a stranger can't help." Explain how you view the situation as dire & at least try. If nothing else, perhaps a counselor will make the emotional pain of divorce easier, because that is where the bills wrack up when somebody tries to hurt or punish the other person. If she doesn't even know you are on the brink you really need to talk to her.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Brian, Thank you for amplifying on your situation. I agree that you are in an untenable situation. It seems to me that both of you are creative people being/ having been artists. Creativity comes with it's own set of challenges. Creative people are usually prone to some form of mental disorder ( not all ) and in your wife's case I think she has slipped into some sort of depressed state. It might be worth your while if you could coax her to see a psychiatrist/ psychologist. At least one would get a professional evaluation of her mental state even if you finally decide to divorce. The thing is if she has a mental disorder then she at least deserves that her husband try and help her even against her wishes. If her family lives close by you could coopt them to help in coaxing her to see a psychiatrist/psychologist. Just giving up on her when she is mentally helpless may not be very humane.

 

You could probably get an opinion from a specialist just by describing her behaviour in detail along the lines you have done here. Not certain about that. More experienced minds could probably weigh in. I wish you the very best going forward but I would suggest giving it one more try along the above lines. Maybe you will get your wife back and be thankful for it. Warm wishes.