We were reconnecting and now....?

[ashadetree]

My ex and I broke up after dating for four months. We had some communications problems and it was my first real relationship. She came in hard and fast after just ending a 3 year emotionally abusive relationships. I wanted to take things slow but she felt rejected because I wasn't reciprocating her level of intensity. I just couldn't, I'm still learning myself and going from a life of singlehood I had to learn the ropes of being in a relationship as fast as I could. But it wasn't fast enough :/ She was crazy about me and although I liked her so much I wasn't able to return her exact level of emotion as fast as she wanted. Occasionally I thought I might have to end it because I couldn't live up to these expectations she had of me...but I didn't. I didn't want to. I really liked her.

 

Anyway she ended things after almost cheating on me. I was devastated. She then started reaching out, and re-initiating things. We were basically dating again for the past four months, although a few times she has pulled back and said that she doesn't want commitment now and that she's processing her prior relationship. I tried my damn best to show her that I wanted her...be more attentive and put a lot more effort in than I was before. I think I did a LOT to change, I wanted to show her how much I wanted to try again.

 

Just before the holidays she started to get distant again. I'm devastated once again. I'm so upset...why would she string me along for four months?

 

Long story short, I got to know her more the past four months since the breakup (so we have been seeing each other for 8 months total) and my feelings for her deepened. I think the space and the reduced pressure of the relationship also allowed my feelings to come out. I was surprised to find when she broke up with me that I felt so much more for her than I thought....my lack of experience and my anxiety really screwed me up.

 

Anyway....at this point I feel like I love her. However we never said that to each other.

 

I can't continue to be in limbo, it's destroying me....I have to have another clarification talk with her. I am wondering if it's a good idea to just lay it out for her....that I love her and want to give us another shot but that I can't continue like this without knowing if we are moving towards something. Is it dumb to tell her that even though I know she might say no? My friends have said that it's not...that it's how I feel and I should let her know.

[bluecastle]

I think you need to talk to her and tell her straight up what you want. But you also have to be ready for the fact that she may not be in the same place, and that the clarity you'll get may not be the clarity you seek.

 

Frankly, she sounds confused and too damaged from the past relationship to be in something real right now. I suspect on some level you know this—she's certainly shown you by her push-pull behavior—but the logic of the heart sometimes contradicts that of the head.

 

And that's okay. Listen to your heart and show her you heart, so long as you know the end of this purgatory may not be spent with her.

[ashadetree]

Thanks. I'm so conflicted between just letting her process her previous relationship no pressure OR putting down a sort of ultimatum.

 

Maybe it doesn't even have to be an ultimatum but I need to know where she's at.

 

I don't know if I let things be status quo if she would be more or less likely to want to try again with me formally.

Edited January 3, 2018 by ashadetree

[bluecastle]

I mean, she has already shown you where she's at: lost, confused, unable to commit to any real feelings long enough to feel them.

 

You could reach out, be straight, and a few things could happen. You could both be super happy together again—but that's not likely given the state she's in. She could agree to trying again to cope with her confusion—and then you're essentially right where you are now again. Or, despite her confusion, she does know that she's not ready, tells you so, and you're hurt but at least have clarity.

 

What I'd do is just take a deep breath and let this all simmer. Control what you can, which is yourself. It already sounds like you know that moving on is the healthiest option, so do that with an open heart.

 

I'm in the middle of something similar. I was clinging to hard, wondering what the next chess move was, but then opted to just let it all go for a few weeks. And you know what happened? I was suddenly a lot less interested in pursing her—not because I don't love her, but because I realized that she really, truly needs to work some things out herself for us to work together.

[ashadetree]

I guess because I was more guarded in the relationship and not as forward with affection as she wanted, I think I want to make it crystal clear to her that I want this and that I love her. And if she says no...well at least I made sure she knew it. And I won't be worried that she is still thinking I'm being lukewarm.

 

I struggle with vulnerability. It backfires on me a lot.

[lolablue17]

What do you mean by "to just lay it out for her"? Have you never done that? Doesn't she already know that you love her very much, and want a full loving relationship with her?

[ashadetree]

I had a conversation with her about two months ago regarding where we were at, telling her I thought we were working towards getting back together.

 

She said she was processing her ex and wanted to have no commitments. I asked her if she still had feelings for me and she said yes. She then proceeded to hold my hand, kiss me, etc. I asked her to get back together if that was a possibility in the future, and she said she didn't know. She was worried our relationship had been "diluted" (her word).

 

I pulled away after that, and she started contacting me and initiating again.

 

We spent a lot of time together and slept together a lot since then, just acting like we are dating.

 

Now she is pulling away again. And I worry that because I've been easing up so as to give her space, she thinks that I'm not into it or something. I've initiated a lot of conversations and dates and hangouts, but I mostly let her initiate the physical intimacy. Not knowing where I stand sometimes I am scared of just grabbing her and kissing her.

 

My feelings have grown over the past few months, probably because I've seen her open up about certain things, and also that I've just gotten to know her more and spend more time with her. I don't know myself and how I fall in love....maybe it takes me longer. It's never really happened to me before. This is all new. I am a late bloomer. She knows this about me, I always was up front about my relationship experience level.

 

We never said I love you to each other. I didn't love her yet when we broke up, or maybe I just didn't know I loved her, because when it happened I was utterly devastated and realized how much I did care for her. And that has only deepened the more time we've spent together.

 

Am I insane for wanting to say it to her now after all this?

Edited January 3, 2018 by ashadetree

[todreaminblue]

I had a conversation with her about two months ago regarding where we were at, telling her I thought we were working towards getting back together.

 

She said she was processing her ex and wanted to have no commitments. I asked her if she still had feelings for me and she said yes. She then proceeded to hold my hand, kiss me, etc. I asked her to get back together if that was a possibility in the future, and she said she didn't know. She was worried our relationship had been "diluted" (her word).

 

I pulled away after that, and she started contacting me and initiating again.

 

We spent a lot of time together and slept together a lot since then, just acting like we are dating.

 

Now she is pulling away again. And I worry that because I've been easing up so as to give her space, she thinks that I'm not into it or something. I've initiated a lot of conversations and dates and hangouts, but I mostly let her initiate the physical intimacy. Not knowing where I stand sometimes I am scared of just grabbing her and kissing her.

 

My feelings have grown over the past few months, probably because I've seen her open up about certain things, and also that I've just gotten to know her more and spend more time with her. I don't know myself and how I fall in love....maybe it takes me longer. It's never really happened to me before. This is all new. I am a late bloomer. She knows this about me, I always was up front about my relationship experience level.

 

We never said I love you to each other. I didn't love her yet when we broke up, or maybe I just didn't know I loved her, because when it happened I was utterly devastated and realized how much I did care for her. And that has only deepened the more time we've spent together.

 

Am I insane for wanting to say it to her now after all this?

 

 

no you aren't insane but love is.....it never follows any rules at all....hits you when you don't want it too i have experience with this...i would prefer if i didn't fall in love...because love doesnt go away with me easily..im a lifer in love...

 

but basically love hits you when you are ready for loveand all its consequences....and if you are in love it is the right thing to do to tell the person you are in love with how you have an affection for them, that's being true to what you feel and true to yourself.........

 

as far as dilution goes its easy to reverse....you just add heat and that concentrates liquid(science is useful after all...god made it so...:0)....)...so woo her....turn up the heat....its a scientific certainty liquid evaporates with heat.....

 

when you fall in love with someone there is always insecurity even with the most secure people...because one....love doesnt follow rules and two ....loving someone once felt cannot be controlled or denied.....finally three...loving someone also involves a reciprocation unlike science the answer isnt always the same ...

 

 

love is more about your faith and personal beliefs....that leaves you open to be vulnerable ...you have to be vulnerable for love to work its magic......

 

 

like abseiling off a cliff hoping the rope wont break and you will find some footholds that arent visible.......like her loving you back and giving your love and hers a go....chance enough to grow.......that kind of invisible foothold.....

 

be true to your feelings.....the greatest love stories between the strongest of people would never have had a chance unless someone was vulnerable and shared their heart ...first.......

 

be true to yourself because in all aspects of life is you arent true to you......who are you really and how can anyone truly....love you as you are? let her know that truth of who you are and how you feel for her.....if nothing eventuates...you will know that you were as true as you could be....and not insane at all....but real and an owner of an open heart ready for love.....

 

good luck ....in love and life...deb

Edited January 4, 2018 by todreaminblue

[lolablue17]

Ok.

 

So I strongly advice your to meet her, to look her in the eyes, and tell her that you feel that you are losing her. That you don't want to lose her for the reason of not knowing your feelings.

 

Tell her that you love her so much. Yes, it may have taken you a while, but you have no room in your heart to store your love, you love her so much, and you just cannot imagin living without her. You need to know if she feels the same, because if she doesn't, you are going to initiate full NC with her, you will need it to heal.

 

If she says yes, great, wow! If she says no, it will heart but at least you know you did everything you can, and you don't lose her over a stupid misunderstanding.

[Morello]

Sorry, but I think the last two posts are advising you to sort of giver her an ultimatum. You should not, in my opinion, ask for a yes/no question. This will most likely backfire. She is confused now so she is not in a position to tell you whether she loves you/want to be with you or not. Not now.

 

It's not a bad idea to let her know how you feel (in person, please). But leave it at that, say you'll give her space to sort out her feelings and will back away. Think of this as a break up and work on yourself, try to forget her for a while. Do not contact her during this time unless she contacts you first.

 

She's probably feeling under pressure now and if you back her into a corner with that sort of question you will most likely hear that she doesn't wanna pursue a relationship with you at this time. Let her know how you feel and let her come to you if and when she feels like. I know it's hard, but in my opinion your chances to succeed would be much bigger.

Edited January 4, 2018 by Morello

[Fit is life]

Sorry but it sounds like you were a rebound. She's keeping you around as an orbiter while she figures out things with her ex. I would not waste another minute on her. You need to ask yourself why would you want to be someones second choice? Your best course of action is doing nothing at all and letting her come to you. Any talk you have will just push her further away. Lifes not like the movies.

[Been]

I agree. I wouldn't waste any more time with her.

It seems like she's stringing you along. Go NC.