I was raped and my husband is doubting/blaming me

[njw]

Hello, everyone,

 

I'm desperately seeking guidance for something that has completely ruined my life... being raped. I need to explain all sides of my situation to avoid any biased feedback, so please be patient with me.

 

I'm a 21 year old female. I have been in a relationship with the man I call my husband for almost four years. (We are common law married.) We were passionately in love and still are despite our current struggles. I love this person with all my heart and I know he feels the same way. But we need help.

 

When I was 19, I became pregnant with our daughter. My husband and I have been "depressed" and have suffered from anxiety our whole lives because of our traumatic childhoods, so it came as no surprise that becoming pregnant heightened my problems. (My husband's dad and brother died when he was a child, he was beaten and raped when he was five, his mom was addicted to meth and went to prison. I lived with a mother with a mental illness who would cut her wrists and tell me it was my fault, I was also sexually abused by more than one person, etc.) So it's safe to say my husband and I each have our own set of serious issues.

 

When I got pregnant, I was extremely sick and developed pre-eclampsia. I gained 70 lbs, spent 19 days in the hospital, and had an emergency c-section to give birth to a baby who was two months premature and went straight to NICU for a few weeks. After I had my daughter, I had postpartum depression and was alternating between taking celexa and wellbutrin for depression and sometimes I would completely stop taking my medicine before starting again. I felt disgusting having gained 70 lbs. My husband started working overnight shifts the same week our baby was born, so our lives changed dramatically.

 

He couldn't see how depressed I was because we never saw each other. He didn't know I wanted to die every time I looked at myself and that I was terrified of being a mom. My husband was battling his own war at the time, wondering if and when his mother would turn up dead at a random crack motel, dreaming about his dead father, and talking about his mom deserving to die for the things she had done to him. He would come home and either cry or sit in silence and stare at the walls talking about the dead bodies he saw at work and the bloody messes he had to clean up and he would talk about how in tune with death he was. It was just really dark stuff and I was worried about his mental state. I kept finding pills here and there in his pants and in the car that I knew did not belong to him. I was concerned. I felt so distant at that point. He was so deep in those dark thoughts and worked so much that he had no idea what I was going through. I desperately wanted friends. I hated going to work, coming home, taking care of the baby, cooking dinner, bathing her, and going to bed alone... every single night. I just felt like a single mom. And that was not my husband's fault. It was just our situation. I tried to voice to him how alone I felt and that his schedule was killing my soul, but when I would bring it up he said he enjoyed the quiet and enjoyed being alone and that he didn't mind working overnight shifts. I wasn't getting through to him. So I thought I wanted to make some friends who also had kids to try to fill that emptiness.

 

This is where I screwed everything up. I started a new job where training is done in a classroom setting and there's lots of opportunities to befriend those around you. So I befriended the three people who had assigned seats closest to me. And I never should have done that.

 

Before I talk about those three friends, I should mention there were a couple of women who were also in this class who targeted me for whatever reason. From day one of work, it felt like they singled me out and bullied me every chance they had. I didn't know them. I would raise my hand to answer a question and they would point and laugh at me, make a comment about my outfit, or imply that I was unintelligent. They did this to other employees, too, but they targeted me more for some reason. One employee told me it was a race issue, but I'll get to that soon enough. When I would sit down in the cafeteria, they would move to a different table and then laugh at me. It was just really petty high school drama and I didn't understand what I did to provoke their behavior. I'm a loner, anti-social, and I don't bother anyone.

 

So let's skip to those friends I made. I befriended a girl who had a son that was a little older than my daughter. I befriended a man who had a newborn daughter. And another man who didn't have kids but happened to sit with us so we were friends.

 

My judgment was so off. I felt so lonely, isolated, and depressed. I was desperate for friendship and I ignored signals that I never would have ignored had I been in my right mind. The girl I befriended was having an affair with another employee. I knew she was married, but she told me her husband was beating her and I didn't figure it was my business anyway. She had a young child like me, we both were nerdy and loved Disney movies, and we were both soft spoken and got along really well. So I enjoyed her friendship. But my husband did not appreciate me being friends with a woman who was unfaithful and I should have had enough respect for him to stop being friends with her. That was the first thing that put doubt in my husband's mind. He didn't understand why I would be friends with someone like that. I tried to explain how desperate I was for friendship and that her actions had no influence over my actions. We didn't talk about it much after that.

 

Where the problems came in was with the man I befriended who had a newborn daughter.

 

I feel nauseated bringing him up. He has ruined our lives.

 

This man told me he needed a second job to support his family and wanted to know if he could borrow my phone during lunch to apply for local jobs. I didn't see why not, seeing as how I thought we were friends and I understood how important money was when you have a baby. So I agreed to let him use my phone during lunch.

 

Let's pause for a second. I mean no harm in the words I'm about to say, I'm only mentioning this because another employee told me the reason those women bullied me was because of my race. That was the only thing that made sense to me since they were total strangers but they were determined to give me hell everyday. I'm a white woman. These women were black. The man I was friends with was also black.

 

So during lunch that day, he and I were walking to his car to apply for jobs and we walked past those women who immediately started making comments. I already anticipated their comments because they had been giving me trouble for almost a week. They said, "What are y'all going to do in that car?" And they all busted out laughing. I rolled my eyes, got in his car, and he applied for jobs with my phone. The bench they sat on was directly in front of his car so they could see us the whole time and could see we weren't doing anything inappropriate. When we got out of the car, one of them hollered that I needed to go wash my hands and my mouth because nobody wanted to catch whatever disease I had. They were being so ugly to me and I didn't know why. I don't know if it was truly a race issue or if my rapist had told them some kind of lie without my knowledge... I just know they wouldn't stop targeting me. And then one of them said, "Aren't you married?" I realized at that moment that they were so petty that they would probably try to tell my husband something incorrect if he ever came to see me at work, so I immediately told him what was said and done because I did not want that to come back and bite me in the ass later.

 

My husband and I talked about it. He was upset, but he got over it and had faith in me. We even met the guy and his wife at a park after that so our kids could play together. Everything seemed normal.

 

I didn't hardly spend time with this person. I certainly never went out to his car again. We would see each other in the cafeteria and would talk in there, and I bought baby formula and a package of chicken for his family when they were in need, but there was no alone time. He'd asked me for my name on Snapchat. He said his phone was turned off but could use Snapchat when he had Wi-Fi and that that was how he liked to talk to his friends. I didn't think twice about it - I gave him my username and he added me.

 

I can truthfully say nothing inappropriate was said or done through Snapchat. He would message me from time to time complaining about a customer, or griping because our manager gave him too much overtime, or he would just ask how my day was, if my family wanted to meet his family for dinner, etc. My husband voiced to me that Snapchat made him uncomfortable, so I deleted the app. A few days later, my husband told me that maybe he had been too harsh and that I could use the app. So I downloaded it again. I shouldn't have. I knew that I wasn't using it for anything inappropriate, but I should have had enough respect for my husband to grow a spine and tell my "friend" that I could not communicate through Snapchat. I thought that me assuring my husband there was nothing to worry about was enough, but it wasn't. And it wasn't that my husband had reason to not believe in me, it was more because I had never had friends before or attempted to make friends, so he felt nervous about it.

 

At that point my husband and I never saw each other, and when we did we were just depressed. I was so tired of being depressed and I was seeking friendship so much that I was blinded by it. I didn't care that my female friend was having an affair - her excuse that her husband was beating her was enough for me. I didn't see the severity of me using a common app to talk to the other friend either. I just wasn't seeing things that way.

 

So the man who hurt me asked me one day if I knew where he could purchase marijuana. I've never smoked marijuana because I'm extremely boring and don't want to do anything illegal... but my mom is a marijuana smoker and I knew I could get some from her. I have a serious problem with being a people pleaser and putting others first, even when I know there's no good in it for me. It's my biggest flaw. I asked my husband if I could get the marijuana from my mom and if the guy could come to our apartment to pick it up and he said yes. So that's what happened and my husband was home at the time.

 

The following week, the guy asked if I could get some again. I didn't want to get caught with it in my car, so when he offered to pick it up from my apartment, that was what I preferred. Earlier that day when I got the marijuana from my mom, I remember just stopping and asking myself what I was doing. I didn't feel right in my heart. I know marijuana isn't "bad", but it was so unlike me to put myself in that environment. I felt uneasy. The guy said he had to come after he got off his second job which would have put him at my apartment somewhere between 9 and 10 at night (when my husband would be at work). In my head it was justified, because he had come by the week before to pick the marijuana up, so I figured I'd just hand it to him and he would leave and that would be the end. I made a mental note to never do that for him again and to send him directly to my mom if he asked again.

 

He shows up to pick up the marijuana. My baby is asleep in bed... And he asks me if he can have something to drink. Without thinking, I opened the door and walked to the kitchen to get him a glass of water. In a matter of seconds, he had one hand around the back of my neck and the other dug into my hip. He started pushing me towards the couch. I asked him what he was doing when he forced me over the back of the couch, jerked my pants down, and raped me unprotected. I tried to get away, but for my husband's sake I don't want to explain that part. Simply put, I could not get away. I eventually gave up. I was crying. I felt frozen. During the act, I heard my daughter roll off the bed and hit the floor and she was screaming at the top of her lungs. This kind of snapped me back into reality and I attempted to get up and run to her, but he forced me back down and told me he wasn't finished. I was terrified of him. After he was done, he told me he would tell my husband I had been cheating if I tried to tell. I hadn't been cheating, but because of the Snapchat issue and the other thing I mentioned, I felt manipulated and controlled. He left. I started throwing up. I got to my baby, put her back in bed, and took a bath before going to sleep.

 

I didn't know what to do. I was afraid of his threat and I was afraid of the awful mental state my husband was already in. I was afraid of being interrogated, of having to see the man in court, worry about him harming me if I told, and so many other things. I was just scared.

 

My husband and I hadn't been talking for weeks. I didn't feel safe enough to tell him. I didn't feel secure. I felt like I had to deal with it on my own... I didn't know what to do.

 

I felt like my soul had been ripped out of my body and I felt like my body was damaged and untouchable. I wanted to die. I didn't want to be "damaged goods"... I was so far gone and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle my husband's reaction f he freaked out; I was also afraid he would try to hunt the guy down and I didn't want him to end up in prison or hurt. I was just scared all around.

 

So I told my husband I was sick and had to miss a few days of work and I used that time to try to understand what happened to me. I knew I couldn't go back to that job and face him. I was looking for another job but hadn't found one. After missing four days of work, I knew we wouldn't be able to pay rent if I didn't come up with some money, so I went to work one more time. I intentionally avoided him. He eventually found me, sat by me, and traumatized me further. He asked why I had been ignoring him. He reminded me that he would tell my husband I was cheating if I tried to tell. He told me he had always wanted to be with a white woman and that he loved the way my hair felt and smelled because it was so different than black women. I got sick. I wanted to shave my head and die. I started throwing up at work and left early and I never went back.

 

My daughter's birthday party was a day or two after my last day at work. I had already invited my rapist before he hurt me, and I was afraid that if I told him not to come it would provoke him to follow through with his threat. I was afraid. I hoped he wouldn't show up to the party, but he did.

 

He shook my husband's hand, smiled at him, and ate our food. I was having flashbacks of him violating me. I hated myself. I didn't know how to get this person out of my life without serious damage being done... So I didn't tell anyone. I had asked him not to talk to me anymore and told him to get marijuana from my mom instead of me.

 

So after my daughter's party, my mom called and told me my rapist had just left her house. She said he closed her bedroom door, told her he "had a huge dick" and wanted to know if she wanted to have sex. She said his energy was so powerful and relentless she felt like he would have raped her if my grandmother had not been there. She said she did not think it was safe for him to be my friend. Learning this, I broke down and told my mom what happened to me. I wanted her help, I wanted her to listen. Instead she told me she could not handle the details of what happened to me and asked me not to tell her. She didn't think it was a good idea for me to tell my husband because of how rocky things had been... So I didn't.

 

Instead, I broke down even further. I message the guy one last time. I told him I knew what he said to my mom. I told him he was not to ever speak to her or to me again and that if he showed up at my apartment, my husband and I would kill him. I knew what I was saying was bold, but I was sick of feeling manipulated by him and I wanted to intimidate him into leaving me alone. And he did.

 

Every single day I felt like it was my fault for being raped. I didn't understand why someone who called themselves my friend would want to hurt me in that way. I was afraid to be touched. I was afraid to be in public. I just wanted my husband but I didn't know how to talk to him. (He dwells on things, gets very dark, and I was afraid of his behavior/reaction.)

 

Every time I felt ready to talk to my husband, something happened that set us further apart. I just did not feel mentally safe.

 

Twelve days ago, I caught my husband messaging another woman on Facebook. It wasn't uncommon for he and I to go through each other's phones. We've done it since we first met... but he finally gave in to temptation and cracked. I knew when I saw that message I had to tell him what happened to me. I had to explain why I was so different and that we weren't intimate anymore because I couldn't be naked without almost having a panic attack each time. So I told him. And I'm afraid I made a mistake.

 

One hour my husband will be holding me, crying, and saying he's so sorry for the pain I endured.

 

The next hour he will blame me, tell me flat out it's my fault and accuse me of lying/cheating.

 

He will punch himself in the face, hit himself in the chest until his heart and chest are in crippling pain, he will hit the walls, drive 90 mph down the highway and tell me I betrayed him, I'm a liar, I had an affair...

 

And then again will say he's so sorry I was raped, he loves me more than anything, and so on.

 

He implies that I didn't fight hard enough because I was not covered in bruises. I did have two bruises that I took pictures of, but I ended up deleting them. He says when he was raped at five years old he was covered in bruises and that I should have been, too. I told him I did have bruises, but we never saw each other for him to see them anyway.

 

He continues to doubt me no matter how many times I tell him I'm telling the truth and I try to explain why I was so afraid. I try to tell him if his reaction had been half this bad at the time, I would not have been able to handle it.

 

I cannot find time to cope with being raped because every second I'm awake is spent trying to tell my husband that I am telling the truth.

 

Last weekend he packed a bag of clothes and other essentials to drive two states away to kill this person, and then got mad at me when I asked him not to and said if I was really raped I should want him dead. I keep telling him I don't want the guy dead at the hands of my husband - I don't want my husband hurt or in prison. I don't want to be a single mom because my husband killed someone over something that happened to me. I just need him to be here, be my husband, and help me heal.

 

I understand his frustration. It's just killing me... to be raped and have someone constantly say, "Yeah, but are you sure? Are you sure he didn't rape the baby, too? Okay I know you were raped but are you sure you weren't also cheating? Did you even attempt to fight him off or did you just lay there and take it? Are you positive you tried to fight him off? Yeah but did you cheat on me?" is just killing me. I feel like my soul and body were torn to shreds, like my life was taken away from me and I can't think about that at all because I'm being interrogated about "what ifs" and all kinds of scenarios that did not happen.

 

I did not cheat on my husband. I wanted to meet people I could relate to, people who had kids who could play with my daughter, people who understood my life. And I let that cloud my judgment. But I did not provoke this person to violate me in such way... It was our one and only encounter.

 

I don't want my husband to look at me and feel angry. I want him to love me. I want him to know how much I love him. I keep trying to explain how emotionally unsafe I felt and how scared I was and I'm not getting anywhere.

 

How can I help us? I cannot be blamed any longer. I am withering away.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to find a rape crisis center/counselor, meet with someone there, and have them help you file charges against your rapist. Your husband knows now, so your rapist can't hold "telling him" over your head any longer. I'm sure you and your mother are not his only victims, and if you go public, others will probably come forward. Will it guarantee a conviction? Nope, but it will help you and your husband heal. And it will protect other women from being raped (or worse) by this man.

[njw]

Thank you very much for responding. I am not completely against reporting it. My husband and I had counseling scheduled for tomorrow, but our bank account has been hacked and frozen so now we don't have the money and will have to reschedule. I am willing to try to report it, but only after I talk to a professional and try to come to terms with what happened... the tricky part is that now we live two states away, and I have to file a police report in person, which is not an easy task for people who are considered low class... it's such a mess. I don't know what to do...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you very much for responding. I am not completely against reporting it. My husband and I had counseling scheduled for tomorrow, but our bank account has been hacked and frozen so now we don't have the money and will have to reschedule. I am willing to try to report it, but only after I talk to a professional and try to come to terms with what happened... the tricky part is that now we live two states away, and I have to file a police report in person, which is not an easy task for people who are considered low class... it's such a mess. I don't know what to do...

 

Yes, this does make it much more stressful. Perhaps you could walk into your local police station and ask their advice? They may have a special victims unit you can talk to and they could refer you to a no-cost crisis counselor? I've never been in this situation, but I have to believe that most municipalities do not deny free help to rape victims!

 

It won't be easy or quick, so you'll need to get into that frame of mind before embarking upon this process, but I do believe it will restore some of your power.

[FilterCoffee]

Hey njw,

 

It was really hard to read your story. I’m with CautiouslyOptimistic, I think you need to visit the police station at the earliest. It’s definitely going to be an ordeal re-telling the story but they can help you and hopefully they’ll put him behind bars. Tell your husband that you want to get after this scumbag through the law and that you can’t have him in prison. Remind him that he has a daughter to take care of.

[amaysngrace]

I think your BF posted about this

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/647801-gf-raped-year-half-ago-coworker-wasnt-told-til-week-ago#post7501063

Edited January 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[njw]

He did, that's what prompted me to write here. I hadn't found a forum with active members until he found this website...

[aliveagain]

You need to file charges against this man. He has tried the same thing with your mother, he is a risk to women. Filing charges against him is an action that may get your husband to believe you were raped. It sounds like your mother is more afraid of being busted for selling weed then supporting you by giving her own testimony of events. You can't let this predator get away with it, other women are at risk and he is counting on you and your mother doing nothing. There are services available to you through your local government and through your church. You need to get professional help, take advantage of the services that are available. You and your husband can't fix this on your own.

 

Never put yourself in a situation that puts you and your child at risk, letting a man into your home when your alone is very risky. Your husband expressed his concerns about this man but you chose to continue a friendship with him over your husband's concerns. It's those kinds of behaviors that cause marriages to fail. The only other thing that might get your husband to believe you and remove some of his doubt is to take a polygraph test. That still leaves a rapist wandering the streets. Talk to a counselor, you need professional help to get through this.

[DKT3]

First you have to understand that by maintaining a relationship with this guy after the fact is what makes it hard to believe and/or understand for your husband. It will also make it very difficult to prosecute as well.

 

Having a background in human behavior, I know that in many cases of rape with people who have a relationship on some level, the victim will try to maintain normalcy with the attacker, so I understand why you did what you did. Your husband is struggling with this. You really need to research your area to find someone who you both can talk too, someone who can help him understand that the reaction he expects isn't how all women in this position will react. I know it's a difficult situation, but I think you both need to find some empathy and understanding for the others position.

 

Good luck,

[Robert]

** Note from Moderation **

 

ANY callouts will be met with an infraction, let's move forward and help the thread starter instead of arguing whether or not her Husband posting here is true or not...

 

Moderation has done their due diligence on this and has let the threads continue.

[Fever of love]

The same writing style??? I wrote this and he wrote his, so maybe we write similarly because we have been together for so long? I'm not trying to cause problems... I'm genuinely asking for help.

 

Did your husband show you his post njw? What an unusual situation, I've often seen posters on Loveshack comment that it would be useful to hear the other partner's perspective but this is the first time I've seen it happen.

 

I don't think I should or could offer amateurish advice about something so traumatic, and I can only support what the other posters are suggesting about seeking professional help, to deal with the rape and your marriage issues.

 

I would think about a criminal prosecution too, but the sad fact is that relatively few rape charges brought are successful, particularly in cases such as your when a long time has passed, and the relationship between accuser and accused was ambiguous, etc.

Edited January 3, 2018 by Fever of love

[anika99]

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. I read your husband's thread yesterday and he left out a lot of the story. By reading your account I totally believe you and can understand why you were afraid to tell. I'm disappointed in your mom for not be willing to support you and for telling you to stay quiet.

 

Both you and your husband need counselling immediately. You need a safe person to tell your story to, you need support. Don't let anyone stop you from getting the help you need, don't let anyone silence you. I'm so sorry, I wish there was more I could do than just keep telling you I"m sorry. Please please reach out for help to someone in real life (crisis counselling)

[RecentChange]

Ugh, I am just going to say I am so so sorry and I hope to God this monster is put behind bars.

 

You were not his first victim, and I am sure not his last.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what happened OP. I too have read your husband's post. Both accounts marry up extremely well. Your husband will not understand the impact that birth and post-natal depression can have on a mother. Looking after a young child is exhausting. Pile depression on top of that, and the side-effects of medication, and life can be very difficult for you. To have this attack on top of everything else must have put you in a very dark place.

 

I wish reporting the rape was a solution but who knows what will happen at this point. It is definitely worth reporting it, even if nothing further can be done due to the delay if there is no direct evidence. I wonder if there is any way you can find out from the police if this guy has done this before. It sounds like a pattern of behaviour - he was so daring in propositioning your mother too. He is not being as cautious as he could be, which suggests he is close to being out of his own control. Basically, I would be very surprised if he did not have some kind of police record of harassment, assault, or even rape. Knowing about his past record might be some reassurance to you and of course it might help your husband to realise that this guy was manipulating you. If he hasn't got a record, he should at least have accusations on his file in case he tries this with anyone else. I know that does not help you, but any record of this pattern of behaviour could get him locked up eventually. I hope the police will be able to give you support and advice on getting extra security measures in place too.

 

I agree with other posters that you and your husband need expert counselling from a Rape Crisis Centre or Special Victims staff. I think that has to be the start of a process of healing and mutual understanding.

[4fin]

I can't tell you how sorry I am for what happened to you. You can blame yourself all you want but you were up against a very skilled predator. Who is going to go to the police and tell them the guy I sold a bag of pot to raped me. This guy is very calculating and once he set his sights on you you truly had no chance. My wife was raped as well so if you want to know how a knot headed male can not handle this situation worth a damn read this:

 

https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/just-found-out-the-details-of-my-wifes-rape.52945/

 

I don't blame my wife. I blame her rapist. I can tell you the hardest aspect of dealing with it for me was the fact that she continued her relationship with her rapist/boyfriend to try to normalize what happened. She tried to deny it was rape until she couldn't plus she was only 13. It's different than you and your husbands situation but there are similarities that you may find helpful. Have your husband read it as well. I posted in his thread just now. In April it will have been 3 years since I was given details. I know you did as well and it's too late to take back but details are counterproductive. I hunted down the identity of my wife's rapist based on the few clues I knew about him. It was a big mistake. The worst part for me was I couldn't control my anger/rage and that retraumatized my wife. If you take the time to read the thread linked above I think you will see what a great resource myptsd is for primary as well as secondary trauma sufferers. I'd about take it over therapy but I'd recommend therapy for both of you. As I told your husband i truly wish you the best.

[BarbedFenceRider]

What is EMDR? | EMDR Institute ? EYE MOVEMENT DESENSITIZATION AND REPROCESSING THERAPY

Relationships and EMDR | PTSD | Couples and Marriage Counseling

 

You both have had extreme trauma. And I feel are incapable of dealing with this on you own. I mentioned this to your DH as well. Go, now hand in hand and get some help. Contact local crisis management groups. Red Cross, local hospitals, victim services by the police and city attorney. You can contact church groups and other civitarian peoples that can and will do a large amount of the leg work to get you the resoures you need. But do not let this fester.

No matter what happened, If you go and get the help you need, I pray that you come out the other side hand in hand. A stable family that your daughter needs and deserves.

God bless.

[preraph]

I agree with the poster who advised you to seek a rape counselor. Call the police or a women's shelter or google for resources. You have some complex things going on here. Your judgment is shakey. You are giving off victim vibes, if you'll pardon my '60s jargon. When you do that, predators at all levels from petty to seriously violent will come for you. You have some things to work out. Start with rape counseling. Then once you deal with this, then maybe you go on to marital counseling.

 

One thing you've got to learn how to do down the road is confront or deflect people who are picking on you or trying to use you. I'd have gone to the employer the first snarky comment from those women and I'd have submitted it in writing so it had to be acted on, keeping a copy for myself. You have soft boundaries. You're afraid to stand up for yourself. Start with counseling for your rape because they know how that can mess with your head and cause trauma and how other people will blame you for it. That's wrong, of course. He's a rapist, and the only thing that had to do with you is your soft boundaries enabled him to victimize you, but he's the criminal. You're not the criminal. It's not your fault you got raped, but still, you have to live and learn and be able to see red flags.