LostNConfused1 Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 I'm newly engaged to a man I have known for 6 years. He has two kids with two different women. I normally would never date a man with two kids from different relationships but it was something about him that made me fall for him. He treats me and my daughter like princesses. I've also admired the way he cares for his own kids. He is very present in their lives. 2016 was extremely rocky for us because I found out that he was supporting ONE of his daughter's mother's household. Paying the mortgage, cell phone bills, car insurance, etc. He doesn't do the same for his son's mother who has moved on with her life. I'm a single mother so I am all for a man stepping up to support his kids but this kind of raised a red flag. Moving forward (with more snooping) I found out that on weekends he would tell me he had to travel for work he was really traveling to meet his daughter's mom in random cities. Even met her in New Orleans for her birthday. Sent sex toys and lingerie to her home. Video chatted through sex rooms and so much more. He would also stay with her when he'd go visit his kids. I confronted him about it and we broke up. Well at the end of 2016 he came back begging for me to give him another chance. So I did. He agreed to put himself on child support and separate the bills they had together. Keep in mind, his kids live in North Carolina and we live in Florida. I have NEVER gone home with him on any occasion. His parents and siblings have come to visit us numerous times but that's the only way I would have ever met them. It's almost like he doesn't want to take me to NC around to his kid's mother out of the sake of respect for their feelings and emotions. 2017 was an amazing year for us. We got engaged and became closer than ever. He took strides on gaining his trust back with me. I stopped snooping and started taking his words for things. Previously, his phone would blow up multiple times throughout the day from his kid's moms. They would call multiple times back to back. Most times the kids would be no where around the mother's would just be calling to chat. I thought there needed to be a limit to these calls so during this amazing year we had, he told me that he told them they need to respect our relationship and limit the conversations to only include the kids. His phone became so quiet when we were together and I was amazed he finally put his foot down. Last week we were driving in his truck and his bluetooth was connected. The calls started happening again. When we got home, he fell asleep and his phone was on the table. I noticed calls were still coming in but the ringer and vibrations were completely off. Mind you, this is 12:30am. The kids were fine. No emergencies. So this entire time that I thought he had put his foot down about the calls he hadn't. He was just silencing his phone. This was a red flag to me so I went back to snooping. I check his email last week and found out that his ex (the daughter's mom) is still on his cellphone bill and car insurance policy that he pays for monthly. I also saw a document for a $100,000 life insurance policy that was taken out by him LAST WEEK with her listed as his fiancee and the beneficiary. The insurance agent asked him via email how he wanted her listed...friend, wife, mother, child...and he specifically chose FIANCE! Again, I'm all for him getting his business in order for the sake of his children. He has policies through his job that he has discussed with me and each of his children are listed as beneficiaries. So this is an entirely new policy just for her in the event something happened to him. I also found numerous emails from her sent to him with links to youtube videos of love songs. To be fair, if he was going to get additional policies for the mother's in the event something happened to him, why not do it for both? Why not help them both financially? He will also answer he's son's moms calls around me but not the daughter's moms (the one listed as the beneficiary). Seems like there is something to hide there. I'm at a lost at this point. I have tried so hard to trust this man and I don't know if I can accept this. I would like to confront him about this but I feel like he will think I betrayed him by going through his email. Please don't comment bashing me and telling me what I already know. Yes I was wrong to go through his things but should I confront him and see what his explanation is, move forward with marriage without saying anything, or just break things off altogether. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 In my experience, when someone discovers things like you have discovered, they very rarely, if ever, get based for snooping. You need to break ties with this man. He can't be trusted. He's still very, very involved with his ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Ummmm once a cheater always a cheater? Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 You should have never reconciled with him. Big mistake. He’s a liar and a cheater and will never change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 Of course you should confront him. Are you actually still thinking of marrying a cheater and a liar? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. You tried. He proved to you who he is. This time believe him. So while 2018 is starting off sucky / rocky at least you found all this out before you married him & had another kid with him. Be thankful you trusted your instincts before you needed a lawyer to get out of this. Cancel all wedding plans. Get as much of your money back as possible. Kick him out & get on with your healing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 I'm newly engaged to a man I have known for 6 years. He has two kids with two different women. I normally would never date a man with two kids from different relationships but it was something about him that made me fall for him. He treats me and my daughter like princesses. I've also admired the way he cares for his own kids. He is very present in their lives. 2016 was extremely rocky for us because I found out that he was supporting ONE of his daughter's mother's household. Paying the mortgage, cell phone bills, car insurance, etc. He doesn't do the same for his son's mother who has moved on with her life. I'm a single mother so I am all for a man stepping up to support his kids but this kind of raised a red flag. Moving forward (with more snooping) I found out that on weekends he would tell me he had to travel for work he was really traveling to meet his daughter's mom in random cities. Even met her in New Orleans for her birthday. Sent sex toys and lingerie to her home. Video chatted through sex rooms and so much more. He would also stay with her when he'd go visit his kids. I confronted him about it and we broke up. Well at the end of 2016 he came back begging for me to give him another chance. So I did. He agreed to put himself on child support and separate the bills they had together. Keep in mind, his kids live in North Carolina and we live in Florida. I have NEVER gone home with him on any occasion. His parents and siblings have come to visit us numerous times but that's the only way I would have ever met them. It's almost like he doesn't want to take me to NC around to his kid's mother out of the sake of respect for their feelings and emotions. 2017 was an amazing year for us. We got engaged and became closer than ever. He took strides on gaining his trust back with me. I stopped snooping and started taking his words for things. Previously, his phone would blow up multiple times throughout the day from his kid's moms. They would call multiple times back to back. Most times the kids would be no where around the mother's would just be calling to chat. I thought there needed to be a limit to these calls so during this amazing year we had, he told me that he told them they need to respect our relationship and limit the conversations to only include the kids. His phone became so quiet when we were together and I was amazed he finally put his foot down. Last week we were driving in his truck and his bluetooth was connected. The calls started happening again. When we got home, he fell asleep and his phone was on the table. I noticed calls were still coming in but the ringer and vibrations were completely off. Mind you, this is 12:30am. The kids were fine. No emergencies. So this entire time that I thought he had put his foot down about the calls he hadn't. He was just silencing his phone. This was a red flag to me so I went back to snooping. I check his email last week and found out that his ex (the daughter's mom) is still on his cellphone bill and car insurance policy that he pays for monthly. I also saw a document for a $100,000 life insurance policy that was taken out by him LAST WEEK with her listed as his fiancee and the beneficiary. The insurance agent asked him via email how he wanted her listed...friend, wife, mother, child...and he specifically chose FIANCE! Again, I'm all for him getting his business in order for the sake of his children. He has policies through his job that he has discussed with me and each of his children are listed as beneficiaries. So this is an entirely new policy just for her in the event something happened to him. I also found numerous emails from her sent to him with links to youtube videos of love songs. To be fair, if he was going to get additional policies for the mother's in the event something happened to him, why not do it for both? Why not help them both financially? He will also answer he's son's moms calls around me but not the daughter's moms (the one listed as the beneficiary). Seems like there is something to hide there. I'm at a lost at this point. I have tried so hard to trust this man and I don't know if I can accept this. I would like to confront him about this but I feel like he will think I betrayed him by going through his email. Please don't comment bashing me and telling me what I already know. Yes I was wrong to go through his things but should I confront him and see what his explanation is, move forward with marriage without saying anything, or just break things off altogether. Stop bashing yourself for snooping. You are engaged to him and he is lying his azz off to you. Get you things in order to leave. Where do you live? Is it your own place? If it is break the engagement and kick him out when you are able to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostNConfused1 Posted January 4, 2018 Author Share Posted January 4, 2018 We are currently renting separately. It gets messy because we are in the process of building a home that should be finished within the next two months. Both of our names are on it. I am going to confront him about it today when he gets off work. I'm sure he will make up some lie and then get upset because I went through his things. But he leaves me no choice when the deceit is starring me right in the face. There are no boundaries in place and he lacks respect and integrity when it comes to me. I am tired of confronting him about deceitful things I have to find out about on my own. Thank you guys for talking me through this. I am not ready to approach my family and friends with this yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 Why not? They are the people closest to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostNConfused1 Posted January 4, 2018 Author Share Posted January 4, 2018 Why not? They are the people closest to you. I'm just embarrassed. I don't know where to start cleaning this mess up. I've spent so much money on the wedding, the house is a legal binding contract, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 The house thing is going to be a nightmare. Can either of you afford to buy the other out? Do that. Consider consulting with a lawyer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostNConfused1 Posted January 4, 2018 Author Share Posted January 4, 2018 The house thing is going to be a nightmare. Can either of you afford to buy the other out? Do that. Consider consulting with a lawyer. I personally cannot at this time. I'm sure he can afford to buy me out. Would it be best to wait until we close and then sell it? We probably wouldn't get much from it but we would be able to at least get our names off it plus break even. At this point I'm willing to walk away from everything. He can have it but I just don't want my name tied to it. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 (edited) I wouldn't even give him the courtesy of confronting him and having the conversation. There is nothing he could say that would ever make me consider taking him back. Just get your affairs in order and cut your losses financially. Sell that house. This really is a case of fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. You need to ask yourself why you took him back after such blatantly disrespectful behavior... And, why you would ever be considering staying with him now. Edited January 4, 2018 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 I personally cannot at this time. I'm sure he can afford to buy me out. Would it be best to wait until we close and then sell it? We probably wouldn't get much from it but we would be able to at least get our names off it plus break even. At this point I'm willing to walk away from everything. He can have it but I just don't want my name tied to it. Ask a realtor about the best way to get the best deal for yourself. Do not leave your name attached to it. If he defaults to spite you then you would be foreclosed & it would ruin your credit. Do you really want one of his other women living in your house? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 I wouldn't even give him the courtesy of confronting him and having the conversation. There is nothing he could say that would ever make me consider taking him back. Just get your affairs in order and cut your losses financially. Sell that house. This really is a case of fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. You need to ask yourself why you took him back after such blatantly disrespectful behavior... And, why you would ever be considering staying with him now. Absolutely! I learned this the hard way, including the purchase of a home together. OP, there won't be much equity, if any, so it shouldn't be too difficult to get your name off the house if he's willing to be easy about it. We did a quitclaim deed because we had just bought the house and he stayed there (for a while). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 I think the best thing to do is to finish the house and sell. Sorry for what is happening. Talk with a lawyer before you confront him. Show the lawyer the insurance email and see if you have any legal footing to go after him for fraud. The money you have spent for the wedding and house try and get back from him if the lawyer says you can. Do not confront until you have seen the lawyer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 Agree with usa1ah's post. See a lawyer ASAP. I think this man never broke up with the first woman. I think he's leading a double life--long distance relationship with her, local relationship with you. He probably is engaged to you both, to keep her around after all this time. Ugh. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Agree with usa1ah's post. See a lawyer ASAP. I think this man never broke up with the first woman. I think he's leading a double life--long distance relationship with her, local relationship with you. He probably is engaged to you both, to keep her around after all this time. Ugh. This is exactly what I'm thinking. He's leading a double life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostNConfused1 Posted January 5, 2018 Author Share Posted January 5, 2018 I have to confront him tonight. We live separately but he practically lives at my house because he sleeps here every night. As much as I would like to wait to consult a lawyer, I refuse to continue sleeping in the bed with a liar. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 I have to confront him tonight. We live separately but he practically lives at my house because he sleeps here every night. As much as I would like to wait to consult a lawyer, I refuse to continue sleeping in the bed with a liar. I understand completely. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
LilySun Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 What a shame... To think everything is better just to find out nothing has really changed. Must be very hard. But clearly, you need to get out of this. Doesn't seem that he is going to stop this other relationship anytime soon. He gave you reasons to snoop on a silver platter, so I wouldn't worry about that. He may try and make that the issue to turn it around on you, stay focused his mistakes, not yours. Tell him you know everything and you are done. Link to post Share on other sites
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