The Saga Continues

[BourneWicked]

Went to post to my old thread but it's archived, but I need to talk.

 

With the holidays, LC dwindled to almost NC. I told him not to email me... and he did two days into a break saying that he was 'trying to do what I asked'. But he wasn't, at all. He was doing what he wanted. Then he basically disappeared for the holidays, dropping an email line here and there, nothing really flirty. I responded politely (which I know I probably shouldn't have done).

 

Yesterday, he came waltzing back, pushing my boundaries and getting flirtatious. Flirting aside I love talking to him... he's the funniest person I know. But put the flirting in - the thing I told him to stop at work - and he's clearly not respecting my boundaries. I said something to the affect of - that's all very nice talk but this isn't going anywhere as even if I wanted to, I'm not available to do anything as I'm not a part of your life. Maybe it was ultimatum-ey, but I really think it was straight up honesty and bubble-bursting. He said something like... well that's true, but you sure are a great friend.

 

I was almost shaking with fury. Because some stupid part of me thought that he loved me. Hell - if he'd even said I was his best friend (the way I've felt about him when we were closer in the past) it might have been enough to get me to cling around and take the bullsh* flirting he throws my way - the stuff that says he doesn't respect me. At least he didn't lie to me, future fake. And if he came to me while visiting my city in the future and said he did love me, I would know it's just to try and get me into bed.

 

He could tell I was hurt by saying what a good friend I was. I asked if he flirts with all of his female friends at work. Of course he doesn't, he said. I told him that he is not my friend. I told him please don't contact me ever again.

 

I think I hurt him, but no more than he hurt me when he told me through his actions that I was good enough for sex talk, but not for anything else in his life. To a degree, I appreciate his honesty. Because when he came back creeping, I could have fallen again for his funny, clever sweetness if he'd put a dash more on the line than friendship.

 

I don't flirt with my friends, female or male.

 

I don't talk sex with my friends.

 

Basic boundaries.

 

Today marks day one of NC. LC I tried for the sake of work, but he can't behave. And honestly this is better because he proved he wasn't any sort of person who even respects me, much less loves me. I need to stay strong because he's still in my group, and I'm going to be in his circle of influence. I will not call him at work, and I will not contact him. I've been quite successful in the past; I don't seek this pain. I know there is a decent chance he will contact me, under the guise of work, and that's going to be the hard part. I've made it clear I won't tolerate the flirtation - and if he does it again I will happily ask about his wife and/or tell him about my SO. Work forum and all, I will resist the urge to say 'if you're feeling horny, go home and f*** your wife. That's part of why you married her, isn't it.'

 

I'm working out, not drinking (something I've had success with in the past when I know I'm at risk of contact, or responding to contact) and making lots of plans.

 

I hope it sticks this time. LC was worth a shot, but a bunch of BS. When he was away for the holidays for a few weeks, my head was almost clear. I was focusing on making things as good as possible with my SO.

 

I've been seriously looking at other jobs. It's hard to find similar pay, and definitely not similar benefits - but I truly don't know how to get out of this mess - seeing him, thinking about him - without escaping his influence. If nothing else, at least a different department that doesn't interact with his.

 

There's so much good from the time I had with him, but I'm going to be spending a lot of time journaling the bad to remind myself why not. It didn't hurt that he came skipping back into my life after weeks of extremely low contact, almost immediately turning to sex and the expectation-lowering comment that I'm such a fab friend. I can get through this. Would love any more help and advice from those of us, especially who work with the former MMs. The getting over. The ending it was easy, though I've done it more than once due to the boundary pushing.

 

The weekends will be okay. Before he broke the no emails rule I put on him, I got used to not expecting to see him, and things were nearly to normal. (Yes, block him I knooow)

 

Also this helped me though I'm sure it's aimed at single people and not those of us brilliant enough to go for the married sort:

https://thoughtcatalog.com/rania-naim/2016/02/10-mixed-signals-guys-send-and-what-they-really-mean/

 

Also baggage reclaim has been helpful reading. And posts about narcissism, though I think he's covert, because he doesn't really like himself but still has some grandiose ideas and chases praises. (And girls...)

 

I thought, oh maybe I should send an email. But I won't. I've commented to him that he shouldn't use his work emails to send personal messages, just because it's encrypted. Hell, the fact that he's less worried about losing his job than he is about losing his marriage can go on the list of piles of reasons why I need to enforce NC as best I can. I've firmly decided - if he wants to talk to me, he can call me. And he won't, because he's too scared his wife will find out which would be his final straw. And it won't matter, because I've deleted his number that was lurking in my phone from our last work function, and I never answer numbers I don't know. I haven't blocked his email, but I won't respond as I said, if you care about me at all, you will not contact me. And he said ok. It's the same thing I've asked before, nicely. Only now I've said - if you contact me, I recognize you have no respect for me, nor do you care for me.

 

I also console myself that I really don't know him. Given a week with him, I could see the person he really is - and that could be a self-pitying, workaholic/couch potato who doesn't listen to anything I say because he's already bagged me, and drinks too much (did I mention cheats?)

 

Let's start week one without contact. He was fine for weeks on holiday with his wife. He will be fine for the next fifty one weeks without me. Because they say don't be with someone you can live with, be with someone you can't live without. He's with the person he can't live without.

 

On another thread, someone said it ends when you can't take the pain of the cycle one more time. I hope I've hit rock bottom. It feels like it. I will give myself a little pat on the back for what could have easily slid back into the fun flirty rollercoaster of the A. I could have, and I didn't. Now for some serious fence-tending.

 

Friday cannot come soon enough.

 

Good luck with the next one... maybe you'll wise up and tell her that you love her, or that you'll get with her when the kids grow up, otherwise your hook stops working when we finally figure out that age old lesson we should have already known: that married men are looking for more sex, not new wives.

 

I'll pray tonight and thank heaven for small blessings.

Edited January 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[DKT3]

To be honest, I stopped following your story months ago. Sadly, I recognized all those months ago you wouldn't listen to advise or actually do much to get yourself out of this situation.

 

Not knowing, I betting you still have a boyfriend. And are now saying AGAIN, that the affair is over.

 

I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm making a point..... having just now gone back to see when I checked out of your story...Feb 2017 is the last I could find, almost a year and it's as if I followed the whole time. Do the same, get the same. Do something different, stop saying you will and actually do it.

 

Don't allow yourself to be in this spot in 2019. Just think, how far you would be it you meant what you said in Feb 2017...I'm pulling for you.

[BourneWicked]

Thanks DTK3 and that is the bit... appreciate your hard but well-meant comments.

 

I do think a lot has changed since my older posts. 15 months since it started. First of all, I have not engaged in sexual activities (in person, or virtually) for months. July I think? That's an improvement, don't you think? I think so, since he's pressed and I've craved it but known where that would put me on the cycle again. I've successfully made it less, and less, so now it's not anything at all. I've asked for boundaries, then enforced when he sidled up and pushed on them.

 

If I had a job offer, I would be gone already. I do also think - these things do take time. You're ending a relationship, even if it's a bogus one. For me, I'm dealing with my daddy issues - something I thought I was looong over, but clearly am not. I have had ex's before, and I've went through this same cycle where they would contact, want to see how I was doing, blah blah, where it takes me a bit to cross them off.

 

But I have always crossed them off.

 

There is no other ex bf I stay in contact with. However, those were almost easier because I could change my phone number (rather than my entire job)

 

But I do think it's different this time. My purpose in posting here is to share my feelings, and get more of those good reminders why this bs can't continue. Jah, Midnightblue, and some other posters are those who went through the cycle over and over, and have finally hit the place of being done. One of the biggest differences I'm finding is that the old hooks aren't working like they used to. I'm not romanticizing it like I used to. They just sound like a whole bunch of pick up lines from a married dude who wants some action.

 

So you can believe it or not. But I'm the one who needs to buy in. And thanks for pulling for me! That's why I'm here. The support, and the reminder that this is a dirty, nasty affair where I'm a dirty, nasty secret like any other homewrecking other woman, not fit to be seen in the light of day. Or called. Or texted.

 

Since that doesn't fit my self image, Im going to work to change that

Edited January 4, 2018 by BourneWicked

[DKT3]

Do you think it will make a difference to your boyfriend that you stopped having sex for n July ( you believe)?

 

Listen, my point isn't about believing you, that isn't my place, it's about doing something different. You just make excuses. In reality, you are still wanting him to give you more...that's why it won't end. Ex. You asked him to not flirt "AT WORK" how bout not at all? It's all a game of control. He isn't playing the way you want him to so once again you are taking your toys home... I until.

 

You want it to end? Tell your boyfriend, get another job, tell his wife, report him to HR for unwanted sexual advances (aka flirting).

 

You are just making excuses, it doesn't take time to end for real, maybe it takes time to actually get over it, but not ending it.you just don't really want to.

 

I can't think of the lady's screen name, she hasn't been around in a while. Two decades she was we're you are, not willing to do anything. She actually married another man 5 years into the affair and 15 years later still doing the same things with MM. It's over, he's back, it's over he's back. Still not actually doing anything, still making excuses. Just friends, we moved States so it's over, nope still going.

[sunrise_sunset]

Bourne,

I have finally logged in after months and months of following you (and so many folks in this forum), because everything you're saying strikes such a chord with me at this moment. I haven't updated my own story in over a year, because it's just too insane that this still continues a year later -- and I fear the responses from the likes of DKT3, who is so right, who is so insightful.

My trouble is, no one can seriously see what I'm enduring at work. WORK. The whole work thing is killing me, too. I set out long ago to end this, and it has literally just limped along in the past several months -- lots of push/pull -- nothing that makes me happy, nothing that makes me crave this anymore. You and other posters are so RIGHT...when you get to the point where the pain is simply unbearable, the lows are just TOO low, and there are too few highs to cling to -- we are done. We're done.

So, I tried to end this once again right before Xmas. What a mess. Lots of tears. Lots of him saying, "I understand if you want this to end, but give it some time, don't just pull the plug." He is happy with LC. He is happy with opening the box on very rare occasions now, and he is happy throwing all kinds of flirty compliments my way at the office. But guess what? It doesn't mean anything. None of it means sh*t. How did we get here?

I had the lowest New Year's Eve ever this year, as I rang it in with friends all around -- but totally sad in my own brain, thinking back to the past two years of us reaching out to each other on the same holiday with pictures, well wishes, happy thoughts...this year was nothing. Total silence.

I made a conscious decision that night to start focusing on ME. I'm not even ready to focus on my marriage, which is just two people co-existing as pals, really trying for our young kids. Why am I so focused on HIM, and what he's doing, and why he's not reaching out...? I want all that focus to be back on me. Do you feel the same way?

Your post literally prompted me to reach out tonight to MM to end it for good. Again. And no response. LOL. I feel like he knows when I'm trying to stop this. Can anyone tell me how to do this while working with the person? How do we go NC at the office (luckily we are in separate divisions but see each other daily now)? I cannot tell you how many resumes I've put out there. I'll keep doing it. You keep doing it too, Bourne. We have to. Change is gonna come.

I thank you for being so open...it's not easy to just throw this out to LSers, because it's been going on so long. But I praise Midnight Blue, and jah, and Grey Cloud -- who are out of the fog and into the light once again. We'll get there, too. We must.

[BourneWicked]

He is happy with LC. He is happy with opening the box on very rare occasions now, and he is happy throwing all kinds of flirty compliments my way at the office. But guess what? It doesn't mean anything. None of it means sh*t. How did we get here?

I had the lowest New Year's Eve ever this year, as I rang it in with friends all around -- but totally sad in my own brain, thinking back to the past two years of us reaching out to each other on the same holiday with pictures, well wishes, happy thoughts...this year was nothing. Total silence.

I made a conscious decision that night to start focusing on ME. I'm not even ready to focus on my marriage, which is just two people co-existing as pals, really trying for our young kids. Why am I so focused on HIM, and what he's doing, and why he's not reaching out...? I want all that focus to be back on me. Do you feel the same way?

Your post literally prompted me to reach out tonight to MM to end it for good. Again. And no response. LOL. I feel like he knows when I'm trying to stop this. Can anyone tell me how to do this while working with the person? How do we go NC at the office (luckily we are in separate divisions but see each other daily now)? I cannot tell you how many resumes I've put out there. I'll keep doing it. You keep doing it too, Bourne. We have to. Change is gonna come.

I thank you for being so open...it's not easy to just throw this out to LSers, because it's been going on so long. But I praise Midnight Blue, and jah, and Grey Cloud -- who are out of the fog and into the light once again. We'll get there, too. We must.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you mean it this time too. I'm treating this like any other goal and putting NC days on my workout calendar. Week one complete, I think I'll buy myself a nice tanktop.. haha

 

I think when you get rid of the LC, and put it to NC you DON'T think about him as much. Or at least I didn't. There was a period where he listened to the request not to contact me, and I stopped thinking about him - at least for an entire weekend. And then he pushed that boundary of NC, and it's back into that cycle.

 

DKT3 is valid about reporting him to HR. My behavior wasn't exactly stellar either, but those initial comments, and that first touch, were totally inappropriate in a work setting . I wonder how many OW he's had in some variation... But no, I don't want him to keep reaching out. I've felt what almost normal feels like when he's been gone, and I want that back.

[Confused48]

Boure & Sunrise,

 

You know you could drive a stake into your relationship with the AP. There is always a way to make it end, for sure, no looking back. If you really want to.

 

Like DKT3 said, talk to HR. Talk to the other spouse. Boom. Over.

 

You don't want that. So you will remain in a slow withdrawal. In and out. It is selfinflicted torture.

Edited January 4, 2018 by Confused48

[Adoraxx]

Hey girls,

 

I just hope you'll find a different job asap, whether it's a 'lesser' job or a job with less money, both are fine. For me it took YEARS to get out of this affair. And I had to move because I didn't see a different way out (neighbor). After I moved, he suddenly wanted to email again but even then, the push/pulls were there all the time. He didn't email me again for months, yet when he emailed again, I was still willing to go there 'just as friends'. A few months ago though I couldn't take the pain anymore and I went NC without saying another word. I'll let my silence speak for itself and I think this was the only way for me to deal with it EVENTUALLY...... Yes, eventually. It took me a long time.

 

Still miss him, still love him, but I can't go 'there' ever again

 

Hugs

Adoraxx

[BarbedFenceRider]

Bourne....Tell HR.

 

Sunrise....Tell your BH.

 

Make this a new year for sure. Whatever path it leads to, you will be out of this mess your in and can rebuild yourselves. Because, besides you, your destroying others around you as well.

 

Take the mercy kill and nuke these poisonous threads all together.

 

Best of luck.

[somanymistakes]

I've kind of stopped updating my own thread because there's not much to say except more of the same that I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing about. But I'm content enough.

 

This stuff is making you miserable. Over time it will make you physically ill. Wishing you luck for a change in your situation and a new work life if that's what it takes to get you out of these negative influences. It's not fair if only the MM gets what he wants and everyone else is suffering!

[DKT3]

I've kind of stopped updating my own thread because there's not much to say except more of the same that I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing about. But I'm content enough.

 

This stuff is making you miserable. Over time it will make you physically ill. Wishing you luck for a change in your situation and a new work life if that's what it takes to get you out of these negative influences. It's not fair if only the MM gets what he wants and everyone else is suffering!

 

You are getting what you WANTED. The problem now is shifted expectations. It's like you went down a got a top of the line minivan, drove it for six months to a year and you're now upset it's not a sports car.

 

Let me share a story from my childhood. My mom would complain about my room, eventually she would rain down thunder and lightning all while cleaning my room. I would stand there and listen, thinking well at least I'm not cleaning my room. That is the male mind. We will endure if it's worth it. So try to set boundaries means nothing if in the end we get what we want, it's worth it.

 

So when wanting out you have to make it not worth it. This means telling his wife, HR, his boss, it means not just stopping sex but stop allowing him to think it's a possibility. If you're not willing to do those things, then stop complaining but you're willing to accept whatever, so just be honest with yourself and stop all the I want it over business, because you don't.

[jah526]

Bourne,

 

Yours sounds in some ways like mine. The funniest person you know. The flirty, fun nature of this. At least with mine I believe it was all a con to make it seem harmless. He was forever telling me to "just have fun" and why am I so serious all the time?

 

When I first met him my initial reaction was fear. He seemed like a scary person to me. I'm not the only one who felt that way. Apparently his wife did too.

 

But then as I started talking with him I began to feel like he was a little crazy but basically harmless. My over-analyzing brain overrode my initial gut instincts. He was funny and gentle and charming. Until we were alone and the scary aggressive guy made an appearance. And this cycle repeated until I was thoroughly confused about who he really was.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, don't trust the facade. Yours may not be a Jekyll/Hyde type like mine but that funny charming side may actually have an ulterior motive behind it.

[Confused48]

Bourne,

that funny charming side may actually have an ulterior motive behind it.

 

That has to be the under statement of the year!

 

I don't know why so many people don't see the clear ulterior motive. The one that is going to destroy them.

[jah526]

That has to be the under statement of the year!

 

I don't know why so many people don't see the clear ulterior motive. The one that is going to destroy them.

 

Well, thanks, but it's still early days...

 

Because we want to believe the facade, I guess.

[BourneWicked]

Can anyone who actually told HR on their MM speak up and let me know how that experience went?

 

Working with HR in my day job, I know how that goes. You can ask for confidentiality, but they will involve anyone necessary to get the full story.

 

My reputation will be ruined.

 

Say I deserve it - that's fine - but I don't think that is necessarily the best move. It could be - and I will ponder on it. A nuclear detonation doesn't sound like something I want to do when I can do a soundless coup. For me, the entirety of his ability of him to waltz into my life again is based on what happens in my mind. But please keep telling me I can't do it as-is. I'm one of those stubborn types who likes a challenge.

 

Additionally, rather than putting MM down in a little oubliette of his own making, were I to give this to HR, I will be putting him front and center in the ruins of my destroyed life. He can do his thing. If he repeats his behavior, eventually he'll find one much crazier than me that does tell his wife. Honestly, I'm sure to a degree his wife already knows. He's had d-days. And I doubt I was the first. But why not casually destroy two families?

 

Don't get me wrong - there is some really good advice here. If I've fallen back in a week, or a month, feel free to flame me. I don't intend to.

 

I feel pretty good today. I feel like a weight has lifted off my chest.

 

Jah thanks for your input! And how are you doing? Although I think my MM is much superficially kinder (nothing about an A is really kind) I think our stories were very similar. How have you been holding up? And I stole something from you today that I will be using in any meetings I have to have with him. Grey rock. Grey rock.

 

I'm searching for jobs and a friend who's recently started a new one that's comparable at a different company said she will keep me in mind for anything that comes up.

 

He can think it's a possibility, but it no longer is. I am not available for it. I'm reaching the point I reached with my first boyfriend ever. I went through a similar slow withdrawal/return phase that ends in being done. Since I came out of it, that has been never, and that will be never. I'm sure he thinks about me - I've heard mutual acquaintances tell me that he asked about me. "That's nice." Don't know, don't care, don't wonder what he's doing. Don't text, call, talk, have anything in my life that has anything to do with him. That's a giant nopefish. My first boyfriend... the one I knew to stay away from but didn't.. reminds me piles of MM (mainly in the level of flirtyness and skirt chasing). So I think this is something I've done before, and can do again.

 

For me, it's been a lot about learning that there's nothing special here. I see him take funny things I say, and hear them repeated back through someone else. He tells me the same stories he tells others. I don't need a friend that wants in my pants, I have that at home. Yeah, he's super clever and funny but that's nothing I can't get out of plenty of other people who truly are my friends - who do not try to cross my boundaries.

 

It's finally getting where it's more about me than it is about him. And that's how it's supposed to be. You always need to take care of yourself before you can are capable of taking care of anyone else.

[BourneWicked]

 

That has to be the under statement of the year!

 

I don't know why so many people don't see the clear ulterior motive. The one that is going to destroy them.

Well, thanks, but it's still early days...

 

Because we want to believe the facade, I guess.

 

 

Right. Why do people watch romance movies? Believe in love between a man and a woman? Love's nothing but a chemical imbalance designed to get us to mate. Other people with chemical imbalances are labeled insane.

 

Some people who are nice and charming aren't trying to get laid; they're just genuinely good-hearted people. We get messed up in the head and decide that sex and attention equal love, when, as a general rule, they do not.

Edited January 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[jah526]

Hi Bourne,

 

Thanks for asking. NC continues, 6 months now. He contacted me recently through work email. It was work-related, and I gave a brief answer, and that was that.

 

I'm still going through all kinds of emotions but the yearning seems to have waned. I have an issue with social media, and I'm trying to break free from that, but it's been difficult. It's not even really him. It's been hard getting over the jealousy of the person I know he wanted. Really hard. I'm not there yet. But hopefully soon.

 

And now I'm trying to face difficult issues in my own life without much of a support system. That's the thing that hurts so much about all this, that he pretended to be a friend when I really needed a friend, not someone who was just going to use and abuse me.

 

I still have fantasies that one day he will invite me to coffee and apologize, and that even if we never speak again after that, at least I'll know he cared enough to say he was sorry. (I know it's never going to happen.)

[Scoutjr]

HI Bourne,

 

I saw your post yesterday and have been meaning to reply. You are always so responsive to my posts!

 

I’m not sure what I can add that the others haven’t already said. I do think NC is the way to go. I am on day 30 here myself. Some days are harder than others. I don’t know what it would be like to work with MM, but if you can just limit yourself to work conversations (if you have to talk to him) you should try to do that. It’s so frustrating how these manipulators get under your skin though, so I know how hard it is.

 

Sorry for the short message, but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you and sending you strength. Keep working out with your buddy. I know it helps me to keep busy. I was skiing with my family last week and didn’t obsess about MM at all. Now that I am back at work there are triggers that make me think of him, but I try to push it out of my mind because I know he is not thinking about me!

 

Stay strong.

[Scoutjr]

Hi Bourne,

 

I still have fantasies that one day he will invite me to coffee and apologize, and that even if we never speak again after that, at least I'll know he cared enough to say he was sorry. (I know it's never going to happen.)

 

Jah - I don't know your story, but I have the same fantasy...

[Grey Cloud]

Bourne - I really would leave your job if possible. No matter how strong you are when you see your addiction regularly you will cave. You will start forgetting all the bad things and start craving a hit and when you get it (not necessary sexual but a nice comment that makes you feel special) you will feel all warm and fuzzy again. It’s a cycle. Wash, rinse and repeat as other people have said.

 

I was fortunate in that my xMM found another job. I was absolutely devastated at the time but it was necessary. HOWEVER, being in different jobs doesn’t necessarily mean the contact will end. My xMM and I still remained in LC via email and still had inappropriate conversations. This meant (for me at least) I remained caught in the wash, rinse, repeat cycle for a long time. There were a few things that he said (like your MM making the great friends comment) that made the cold, hard reality of the situation hit me on the head like a tonne of bricks and made me think what the hell am I doing? At this point it becomes easier to go NC because you don’t have the interaction at work. So my point is, finding another job is crucial to give you greater perspective but be careful not to get caught up in the whole “remaining friends” thing. It just doesn’t work and it will take even longer to let go.

[Grey Cloud]

He is happy with LC. He is happy with opening the box on very rare occasions now, and he is happy throwing all kinds of flirty compliments my way at the office. But guess what? It doesn't mean anything. None of it means sh*t. How did we get here?

 

I made a conscious decision that night to start focusing on ME. I'm not even ready to focus on my marriage, which is just two people co-existing as pals, really trying for our young kids. Why am I so focused on HIM, and what he's doing, and why he's not reaching out...? I want all that focus to be back on me. Do you feel the same way?

 

 

I thank you for being so open...it's not easy to just throw this out to LSers, because it's been going on so long. But I praise Midnight Blue, and jah, and Grey Cloud -- who are out of the fog and into the light once again. We'll get there, too. We must.

 

Hi Sunrise, it’s bizarre seeing my name written in terms of being out of the fog!! I have come such a long way from this time 2 years ago but I would say it’s still a continual work in progress. Crazy huh? The fact that an A with a MM can still have such a strong hold on us. However it is an addiction and therefore one must always remain vigilant because it’s way too easy to fall back in.

 

Your xMM is happy with LC and opening the box every so often purely for ego boosts and validation. And it’s also a hook to keep you in the background. It’s not love, just a twisted, toxic dynamic.

 

Yes, we continue to want the focus to be all on us. We want the high. It’s such a powerful feeling that we continue to chase it even though our rational selves know what we are doing is wrong and achieves absolutely nothing.

 

Unfortunately you won’t ever be ready to focus on your marriage when your thoughts are continually on someone else. It’s a massive distraction from your real life. I have young kids as well. I realise now how selfish I was during the A at their expense.

 

I shudder to think if I still worked with my xMM where I would be now. Still totally entangled in a complete mess. And as mentioned I wouldn’t say I am completely healed either. But getting there slowly. If I can do it then others can as well as I was in pretty deep at the time.

[sunrise_sunset]

Bourne! We made it to the weekend! Weekends are so much easier these days. I used to dread them -- it meant not seeing MM until the following week. Today could not have closed quickly enough. I hadn't seen him in two days, and it was GOOD. Today he tried once to make a sweet/silly comment and I literally walked away from the scene. I'd still like the opportunity to say "this is over" to him, but that opportunity has not come up since the msg I sent earlier this week (which he conveniently avoided -- epitomizes the definition of "conflict avoidant"). I suppose it doesn't really mean much, since "closure" isn't something that seems to fit into the A equation.

 

Grey Cloud, I'm thrilled to hear from you, and thank you for your insights. I sent out a couple more resumes this week, and each one feels good to send. I cannot believe how deeply I became entrenched in this thing -- and every time I find myself thinking of him, I now say, "Focus on yourself. YOU are the focus." It is a conscious process, one that I am learning slowly but surely.

 

Bourne let us know how today went, and if the weekend will provide any sense of relief for you. You got this!

[BourneWicked]

Sunrise_Sunset - yeah we did!

 

Today fortunately I had nothing that involved him. Honestly, before this, I could go weeks without being on a meeting with him. So hopefully that continues. A few days ago when I did have to see him, I was straight up grey rock. Pretty sure he put some innuendo into part of the call the others wouldn't get, but I rocked that too.

 

When I left the building, again it was like a weight off my shoulders. Agree! I used to wonder why when he contacted me over the weekend, I felt worse than when I'd expected no contact.

 

It is strange though how the blinders start to come off... maybe it's the limerence wearing off... or the separation lately... He still has many very attractive features. But the one where he clearly has an addiction to the chase is not attractive. I recognized it and still, and still I let him swoop in. Ugh so annoying.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201209/limerence-in-love-obsessed-or-both

"Limerence is characterized by:

 

Obsessive thinking about the object of your affection

I know you can identify with this one. You can't get any work done. You've forgotten how to tie your shoes. All you can think about is him/her. You're on a high from the endorphins in your brain. You can't eat, you can't sleep.

 

Irrationally positive evaluation of their attributes

Also known as, "Oh, he's an axe murderer? I can work with that."

 

 

Ha... ha... ha. It's funny cuz it's true. Anyway!

 

Grey Cloud - I agree 100% about the new job. Can you speak more to when you left and he still pursued? I'm thinking I would change my phone/email and he would not be able to follow me. He's too scared to even call me anyway, which is another reason it feels like nothing at all. I'm sure, too, I'll still get that little dopamine hit when I see him in my email. Which, no matter what, is going to happen. But I will remind myself that I'm just like any other coworker, and not his wife. That's really all I need to say to myself.

 

I'm marking my NC days on my calendar. Hope to hit 5, then 10... Heck I'll have 5 by Monday Yah I'll miss him, and pretty sure it's going to be really rough at times. But it's amazing how much more time in the past few days I've had for people at work who are not him. Investing time in people who I'm able to have appropriate work relationships with. Plus not worrying that something inappropriate will pop up on my screen while I'm walking someone through a letter is fantastic. Focusing on the positives... they are certainly there.

[BourneWicked]

Oh and semi-related -

 

Watching Pocahontas tonight and so cynical! DUDE IS JUST TRYING TO GET LAID! YOU'RE NOT PART OF HIS WORLD! Good luck raising your children all by yourself!

 

Haha... Movies, television, certainly assist in this distorted view of what love and commitment are about.

[BourneWicked]

And my last thought before I check out for the night... from a site on narcissism :

 

The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and with red horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for...