sadfish Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Different kind of question/issue i guess: I was really jealous and insecure in my recent relationship, so much that i know it was part of the reason we broke up, not the ENTIRE reason, but part. He used to tease me alot about it, so then he ended up hiding these female friends from me. because "knew it would really upset me" When we broke up he said it was because we're not right for each other (which i don't buy 100% cos something kept us together and is making him want to keep me as a friend). So, now i have realised and recognised this, am taking steps to deal with this issue of mine, i feel like an idiot for being so insecure about stupid things. Here is my question: How does one or can one even get back together with an ex when jealousy WAS an issue before? I mean, i am willing to do whatever i have to to "fix" myself cos it's MY issue, not his. But how can i make him realise that i am doing so, and that while i know it was a past issue with us, i'm working so that it wouldn't be? Or is it a lost cause? We're currently still talking very sporadically as "friends" but seem to be moving towards NC, which i semi-welcome for both our sakes to think about things...i just don't feel like everything is done and finished yet. Might take 2 months or 10 years, i don't know, and i'm not waiting around for him--i am casually dating other people, but i would like to let him know that i AM working on myself. I honestly don't think we had a fair chance (him not being over his ex was an issue as well--and part of the reason we broke up too--he's now taking time to be "alone" and figure things out) and would be open to another chance if possible in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Let me just say from experience -- if he is doing things with these females that makes you feel uncomfortable, like simply hanging out with them, and he won't comprimise his stance for your sake (which hes not otherwise you wouldnt feel insecure to begin with), then its not worth it because it will always be an issue for you. My bf left me 6 weeks ago because he felt he couldnt talk to me anymore because everything he said "upset" me too much, and he was tired of keeping a filter on his conversations, and I was sick of his lying "to protect me". I strictly enforced NC with the intent that either he has all or none of me, and guess what? He came back, and ditched all the female friends because that time apart made him realize whats really important to him. You may want to just take this situation into consideration and I suggest the NC more than anything else. If anything, it'll help you move on. If he comes back, you can cross that bridge then. Right now, YOU are what's important, and dont focus on what you need to "fix" on yourself to be with someone. When youre in love, they accept you for you, flaws and all (actually said to me by the ex when he came back to me a month later). I wouldnt say its a lost cause because I am a walking example that it can be worked out. But he has to be willing to meet you in the middle, relationships take two to tango and if he's placing all the blame on you, that's not fair and you deserve someone who respects you enough to recognize that this problem revolves around the two of you as a whole. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadfish Posted August 23, 2005 Author Share Posted August 23, 2005 Firstly, i really like your quotes Secondly, i appreciate your response, and i know you are right about the whole compromising his stance thing. I guess when i met him i didn't expect him to have so many female friends, and i just went overboard trying to make him drop them. He *did* take some steps once to change things, he removed a profile where a lot of his friends were so that it wouldn't create more drama, which i took as a hopeful move, but in hindsight, i guess it really wasn't. Another thing that is hard to gauge in this situation is that he and i were only together for 4 months...and i guess it's not really enough time to be that vital to someone or even really know someone. I just feel sad that while he still wants to remain friends i'm now just forever in that arena...the been there, done that column, you know what i mean? Like he wouldn't consider another chance...but i can't say for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Tell him you can be friends later if thats what he wants, but right now for your own sanity you need some time away from him to heal. Lets face it, youre not ready to be friends with him. How much will that suck to hear about his newest girl? Imagine being with him and some of his buddies and someone says, "Hey ___, how was the date last night with that hot blonde?" Heartbreak, party of one? You need to focus on you right now like I said, so be selfish. Four months or four years, he still should respect that it made you feel uncomfortable and do you REALLY want to comprimise what you want from a guy (none or almost no female friends) just because this 4 month-er says he has to have them? I can tell you from my one-month-break from my bf that there are MANY men who dont have any need for female friends. I realize right now the last thing you want is someone else, but look at it this way -- at least you didnt invest 5 yrs into some insensitive a$$ who wouldn't put your needs and wants a priority. Get yourself a pretty journal and some fun pens, and start writing nasty letters to him in it (but dont send them, for heavens sake!!) and then write out how youre feeling. In a couple of days you'll look back on it and see that youve made improvements in mere DAYS, and you'll be back to 100% in no time. Give yourself some credit, you lived most of your life without him, you can do it again sister Thanks for the quotes compliments, too Link to post Share on other sites
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