About those pings

[CptInsano]

Let's say you're in a new relationship and everything is going fine. From time to time, around a birthday or a holiday you get a text or email from somebody that you used to know. It's nothing too exciting, just an exchange of civilities. It's not what I would consider a real contact, as nothing happens until the next holiday.

 

Is it worth mentioning, or would mentioning in itself give it an importance it doesn't deserve in the first place?

[Shanex]

I guess you mean by somebody we used to know an ex?

 

If its pretty early in the new relationship, I wouldn't mention it. I become more at ease with my new partner after a few months and vice versa. The fact I would mention it would reassure her that I am not looking to cheat as I am attached already to her, and don't wanna screw up something new and exciting for some ex.

[CptInsano]

I guess you mean by somebody we used to know an ex?

 

Yes, exactly.

 

If its pretty early in the new relationship, I wouldn't mention it. I become more at ease with my new partner after a few months and vice versa. The fact I would mention it would reassure her that I am not looking to cheat as I am attached already to her, and don't wanna screw up something new and exciting for some ex.

 

I'm largely of the same mind. Maybe in time, I don't want to make more of it than it is.

[preraph]

Don't think I'd mention it unless the partner became curious, at which point I'd say "We're civil. Keep in touch maybe once a year on birthdays or Christmas." I know I sent an ex Christmas cards even when I was still not real happy with him. I didn't for a long time (10 years) but for my own peace of mind, I had to get over the anger. It wasn't hurting him, just me. So even when things are a little weird, if nothing else, there is the Christmas card exchange, just to be civil. Part of it on my part at least is when people ask about me, I want him to be able to say, "Oh, yeah, I got a card from her" rather than "No, she's gone underground."

 

I didn't really think of it at the time, but having some contact has come in handy to keep a couple of troublemakers in check too. I feel they're less likely to stir it up if they know we two are still in touch. An old friend of mine went off the deep end recently (bipolar) and was all set to interfere in his married life until I threw a bucket of cold water on her and told her I was about to go to a concert with both him AND his wife. I HOPE that stopped her, but I cannot be sure. But if not, whatever crap she stirs up, he'll have coming.

 

Then another instance I think it worked for the best is a guy who used to be my friend had to stop talking to me after he stole my ex's 2nd wife, who as a psycho and criminal though ex didn't know it until too late. So I wasn't happy, A) that he helped her cheat on the ex who I was then working with or 2) married a psycho or 3) blew me off as a friend for her because she's so jealous because she's a psycho. So decades later, when she's on federal charges for identity theft and credit card fraud, that old friend ran into the ex at the hairdresser and asked about me. So ex said yes, we'd recently attended a concert. I was relieved because I used to like that guy but now I don't like his ethics and he's meddlesome.

 

So sometimes just keeping civil and reserving a bit of respect for your ex can be useful to keep the wolves at bay.

Edited January 5, 2018 by preraph

[dichotomy]

Its a good sign that you asked and have a concern.

 

If its just a "happy birthday or xmas" ping its seems pretty harmless.

 

Sometimes there is a hidden agenda - and these can be a way of keeping a string or option open.

 

There is a point however in a new relationship - were things get a bit more serious or exclusive - where you need to be on the up and up on any communications or proximity with ex's and this includes pings.

[Chilli]

Haha , exactly what l was thinking seems as we're usually damned if we do and damned if we don't in things like this.

[todreaminblue]

if the relationship is new, i don't feel as well as other posters have written that pings need to be mentioned but as far as seriousness goes normally before things get too serious an ex discussion comes up ......and thats where it could be mentioned yeah my ex or whoever sends holiday greetings occasionally or how often that person does...

 

 

i also feel transparency is best when it comes to exes if and when things progress further into a committed relationship....deb

[CptInsano]

The pings I receive are not attempts to re-establish a connection. None of them live in the same state as I. I see them more as an attempt to be civil, mixed with some curiosity, as I'm not on social media, so you can't creep on me anonymously.

 

I will not bring them up yet, but I also won't hold back if we should talk about our past in that much detail. My gut tells me the discussion would be premature.