Where from here?

[Hurtinlove]

I went back and read the thread you referred to. It changed what I was going to post. It's easy to now that this xMM is a really bad guy. He is a serial adulterer and is mad at you because you were the one who made it all come crumbling down. Not that you really created the problem, his wife had been ignoring his affairs for years but for some reason, she had had enough and is divorcing him. So he's mad. Now he's a grown man, probably eating peanut butter out of jar because he can't cook and it's all your fault.

 

What you are struggling with is nothing unusual or special. We all go through those emotions at the end of the affair, particularly if the guy drops us in a nanosecond and we see how little we meant and how we were played. There is no magic solution, you just need to get through it. Allow yourself to feel the bad feelings which you probably blocked since you were worried about your health. (I assume you are okay?) it will just take time but it does go away as long as you don't keep opening the scab. You got used and dumped. It happens to the best of us. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on, head held high.

 

As for your marriage, I'm not really sure. There are some big cultural differences. You are normal to not want separate bedrooms, sex 2x a year, to want love and affection. Men don't really change so you need to figure out if you can change, accept your husband with what he can give or move on. I would not make any decisions yet, you need another year to get over this mm though. Take care of you.

 

Here is a poem for you. You didn't love this mm (though I know it burns). He was just the first guy to show you love and attention. So you fell hard.

 

After a while

you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't always promises

and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn

with every good-bye you learn.

 

Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall[/quote

 

Thank you for your hilarious yet profound response Midnight! I very sincerely appreciate your empathy. Yes, I'm doing much better health wise and mostly out of the woods. Declared in remission!!

 

Now it all makes sense why my feelings for xMM exist, it's because I didn't process them due to my health issues. I didn't think of it that way!

 

I'm feeling much more confident about this whole crappy scenario. Eventually the only way to go is up and I'll get there one step at a time.

 

OMG, the peanut butter comment made my day. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time ?. You have a way with words for sure. I need to learn to not take life so seriously. **** happens and it's ok and doesn't change the core of who I am. I'm learning one thing at a time

[misspalmy]

Hes unheathy for you. please dont go back. your end up back to the start again, more pain

[Darren Steez]

Pages and pages dedicated to the OM.

 

If half the effort was put into trying to work on the marriage or working on an active solution to decouple and sort out lives then the OP would be much further along in healing and moving on to a better future.

 

It's remarkable how people devolve into teenagers with no sense of responsibility towards themselves and their families.

 

Adult choices lead to adult actions that have adult consequences that require active adult problem solving and solutions.

[Poppy47]

Hurtinlove, I sympathize with you, because you seem to be in a great deal of pain. But you're right: you are in a mess. Please don't become paralyzed by the fact that you're head deep in a nasty mess, start wading through it to find your way out. It will take a fantastic amount of time and effort and self-reflection. But it can be done. We're rooting for you to stop with the false starts and get underway, despite the feelings of anguish and despair.

 

 

 

BluesPower, I absolutely respect your viewpoint and enjoy reading your posts. Can you help me with what you stated here? You see, one of my biggest struggles as an xOW is one of being "tainted" and "unworthy" of love and a genuine relationship. I have written about it before in other threads. If it's not too much trouble, can you explain exactly what you meant when you wrote the above statements. I can assume why you wrote what you did to Hurtinlove, but I would like an explanation from the horse's mouth, as the saying goes... Furthermore, in your opinion, is there anything she can do to remove the stain from her person? Inquiring minds need to know. Thanks in advance.

 

I also wonder if Blues feels that he, or any OM are also tainted. Yes, how do we remove the stain ? I have long ago written off my affair as a life experience never to be repeated.

 

POppy.