Destroyed Inside

[MentallyDrained]

So here goes. I met a girl online just over six months ago, fell head over hill straight away pretty much and she seemed to feel the same, before dating again I'd said to myself I'd only bother with someone who I was mad about and I would give it my absolute all. On our first date she had told me she'd had a past problem with cocaine and used to use pretty regularly but hadn't for around a year, around a month later she received a tex which I saw which said banging coke 10/10 or something along them lines so I fronted her about it and made her show me the message where I noticed the week before we had started talking online she had bought some, I was devestaed she'd lied but she gave me the sob story that she'd stopped as soon as we'd started talking an she didn't want that life no more and she was worried I'd not try if I'd found out etc etc. This had broken my trust. About two weeks before she'd found out I'd been spending time socialising with a female friend who had shown interest in me and she said she wasn't happy with that and she's like me to stop, I said I agree it was wrong to spend time with a member of the opposite sex who'd previously tried it on, I could see that I wouldn't like it so I respected it as I wanted to progress and i stopped. I then around a week later discovered she'd been exchanging messages on facebook with an ex colleague who'd shown an interest in her, we had a massive fallout as she didn't see the problem, so I explained as she had to me and that I'd stopped talking to my "friend" and she agreed and we moved on. When we had met she'd told me she'd been single for two years, I then discovered that she'd had two relationships since the one I knew of which devestaeted me as I didn't understand the need to lie, it again broke my trust, the day before I'd found out I had spoken to the mother of my child about me maybe moving away to live nearer my new partner and she had wished me all the best and said she would help change my days with my son to help me make it work. The day after my child's mum messaged me to reassure me we could make still seeing my son work but I was upset and replied thy it didn't matter anymore as we'd had a fallout and it was over we both had problems which we couldn't resolve to which my ex replied I shouldn't let it go as no one is perfect and the day before I'd been saying how in love I was etc and was it worth throwing that away over one thing, this made me think and I gave it another go, I deleted the messages to my ex as I was worried about my partner finding out as she has issues with me still talking to an ex (I only talk to her as she is the mother of my child). Around a month ago me and my ex fell out over something and she said something which made my partner realise I'd sent the before mentioned messages, I asked my ex to send them over so my partner could read them as I knew I needed to come clean, I knew I'd done wrong but I was scared I'd loose her.

 

Anyway that just a little bit of background, the relationship had always been hard as we live an hour apart and she works 4 on 4 off shifts alternating nights and days, I have to juggle my two jobs and seeing my son, between spats the relationship is one of the best I've had she shows lots of love and does lots to reassure me since she knows she's broken trust and I've done the same. We're both very jealous people and we talk about things and set rules out clearly so we know where we're both at. She mentioned about watching poem and thy an ex had done it which I'd agreed I wasn't into, then a friend sent me a video involving a naked woman which I didn't like as I find them distasteful she said she didn't like stuff like that so I blocked the friends meaaages. I also agreed thy I'd tell her if I got anymore and I'd block or ask them not to send me any, I asked the same if her, a while after I realised she'd been sent a video involving porn on a Facebook message we argued as she'd not told me but we sorted it, I forgave but said no more mess ups from either of us and we moved on. Roughly a month ago we discovered she was pregnant and we was happy but then I discovered a few days ago she'd watched a video on Facebook which made you believe you'd see a penis, this upset me as we'd laid out the rules and we was in agreement. I've blown a fuse over it as I feel she is constantly letting me down and breaking rules she sets out. I'm heartbroken as I feel like I love her and she has our baby inside her which is now scared I'm not gonna play a part in as she is saying she will have it alone. I've told her I don't want to be with her as she's let me down and there's no other reason for watching the video other than it leads you to believe you'll see a dick.... she agreed she wouldn't like it if I done it but only inbetween the messages of abuse I've received since I've said I don't want to be with her anymore. The truth is I do still wish we was but I can't see it working if I'm not happy and I don't want to prolong any agony. I also find the way she attacks me after I've caught her out worrying as I've always found it a sign of guilt. Don't even know what I'm looking for here, just scared and needing to vent. I have no kne else to talk to. Please be gentle with me as I'm in a lot of distress right now.

[MentallyDrained]

Sorry for the big blocks of writing should've paragraphs but i just had to vent, feeling close to suicidal right now.

[somanymistakes]

If any of this is true, you need therapy more than you need a girlfriend. You don't seem to know how to have normal relationships and build connections slowly and communicate about problems. You are throwing yourself into being EVERYTHING IS AWESOME or EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE and flip-flopping back and forth between extremes all the time - you're madly in love, you're never speaking to each other again, you're madly in love, you saw someone else's ankle so now you're a cheater and it's all over!!!

 

This is not healthy, this is no way to relate to other people.

 

If you are regularly 'devastated' in your interactions with people, either your expectations or your emotional control are malfunctioning. Going on the way you are, you're going to be constantly hurt.

 

THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON. Having trouble dealing with others is a problem that can be helped, it does not mean you are bad. But you need help.

[MentallyDrained]

Unfortunately it's all true. Thank you for your reply somanymistakes, this is far from a regular occurrence for me, only ever felt overly jealous once before a long long time ago. I've not gone into all the details as it's hard and I rushed writing it as I'm aware me and my partner rushed this relationship. Emotional control rings alarms for me as my partner has been diagnosed with a personality disorder and struggles emotionally and I feel we are very similar. This relatiknshio does feel as though it's jumping from all to nothing all the time to me. My last proper relationshio was with my sons mother and it was all fine but we agreed to separate as we had too many differences, my heart wasn't in it, I hung around for my son, walking away was very hard for me and it broke me as a person, ever since then I've struggled with lots, I had two small short term relationships but I never really wanted them it was just company. I am jealous but it's not so much the issue for me here, what had bothered me with it all is the constant let's down and small lies she tells me which I believe she tells as she's scared of my judgment..... she seems to think lying will save us when it's been the thing breaking us. Where do I turn for help becoming more emotionally stable? I'm in the uk and I've never found doctors to be of any help here, I suffered from depression after walking out on my relationship with my sons mother and received no real help as such. I feel the communication in the relationship for me has been some of my best, I've been honest and open about how I feel about things and have given her every opportunity to do the same. I don't care about her seeing someone's ankle but I do care about her going out of her way to watch a video which serves no other purpose than to see a penis, I find it odd, I'm sure she's seen one before lol she's 35 not 15 but as I say although it bothers me it's not the real issue, it's the fact we'd agreed because of what she'd been upset about an then she's broken the agreement. Please tell me I'm sane to not want to be with someone who break rules they set out? I know I'm mad in lots of other ways but I feel I'm being manipulated by her, she's trying to control what I do whilst doing as she pleases. Thanks again for any replies or help.