From GF to OW

[Poppy47]

This guy is not confused. He is a player.

 

He's got you dangling off the proverbial string. Of course he's lovely when you are together.

 

He is toxic also.

 

If you continue, you will find this man is extremely dangerous to be involved with .

He will rob you of your self respect, dignity and sanity. Already you can't see what's in front of your nose.

 

What is so very special about a man who runs from one woman to anther and back again???? Does he do great sex, what is it that has you looking at him with cow eyes and thinking he is a miracle.

 

I can see myself in you, a long time ago thank goodness. The good folk here tried to tell me too. I hung on for almost 10 years, back and forth and here I am today totally NO CONTACT and feeling much happier than before.

 

Please let me slap you around a bit and wake you up,

 

BEst wishes,

 

Poppy.

[CrushingHope]

In the bolded text of your top quote it seemed to me you were saying that you were able to not see what you didn't want to see about what he was doing to others because you wanted to enjoy good times with him. Perhaps I misunderstood what you were trying to say about how you felt and what you did with those feelings when you learned he had hurt his in laws so drastically?

 

Many times there are red flags with guys you (or anyone else) may date. Those red flags often include that he's mistreating someone else in some way. In many people this causes them to lose attraction for the person who's hurting others, so then it's easy to detach from them, there's no other choice because they are repulsed and no longer desire the person whom they now realize is an abuser. So, in feeling empathy for those who are being abused and acting on it, a side effect is that you end up protecting yourself from the abuser by no longer making yourself available to him. Because anytime you are dating someone who is hurting someone else, you can be sure that he'll think nothing of mistreating you, too.

 

 

I haven't been with him since the issues with the apartment/in-laws etc. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have been after all of that, but I know that the way he has treated other people is something that I think about a lot and I know that it would cause a huge problem for me. I tried to talk to him about the issues he was having with his ex-in-laws. And because I cared for him, I tried to see things from his perspective (before the rent/apartment stuff even happened, and when we were still together). He told me some things that they have said/done to him and I just saw the whole thing as a very messy situation and one that I really didn't know the details of. I guess that's why I was able to look past it. That's what I meant when i said we see what we want to see. I wanted to see that he had his own issues with the way he had been treated by them in the past and that somehow that brought out the worst in him.

 

I don't think it would be "easy" for anyone to detach from someone who made them feel amazing and loved and all the things they've been craving from someone when they found out they had treated other people poorly. Yes it can be done, but I would doubt it would be easy. But I would say that yes, my desire to be with someone who made me feel as special as he did when we were together, definitely caused me to turn everything else off.

 

I know the issues here are all with me. I accept that. I know the right thing for myself but I'm not doing it and I know that's what I have to figure out more than anything. Deep down, I know I don't deserve this treatment but somehow I must believe that I do or I wouldn't be in this situation.

 

I'm so beyond disappointed and ashamed of myself. I haven't even told most people in my life that I'm talking to him again because I'm so deeply ashamed.

Edited January 5, 2018 by CrushingHope

[Zahara]

I don't think it would be "easy" for anyone to detach from someone who made them feel amazing and loved and all the things they've been craving from someone when they found out they had treated other people poorly. Yes it can be done, but I would doubt it would be easy. But I would say that yes, my desire to be with someone who made me feel as special as he did when we were together, definitely caused me to turn everything else off.

 

Crushing, you're romanticizing him. You dated him for two months and soon after he left you for another woman. And it all went downhill from there.

 

You've magnified and idealized the little that he's given you in that short span of time into the love story of your lifetime. That is also indicative of how little you believe you deserve and how warped your sense of being loved and cared for means in your mind. You need to figure out why you've placed someone like him on a pedestal.

 

I don't even think you love him. I think you're so desperate to be loved that you're hungry for just about anything to fill your soul. I've been where you are -- until you fill that void on your own, you'll be seeking attention and love in all the wrong places.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I haven't been with him since the issues with the apartment/in-laws etc. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have been after all of that, but I know that the way he has treated other people is something that I think about a lot and I know that it would cause a huge problem for me.

 

This is good to read, CH! Seems you're on a pathway to extricating yourself from this situation. Also, have noticed you have the ability to accept criticism and weigh it honestly and objectively! Imo, that takes courage and humility both. You're going to be so much better off after you've put this behind you! Don't beat yourself up, just move on. I can imagine you've learned a lot from all of this that will help you in the future! But, still would be great and most likely growth producing to get into IC. Just wishing you the very best and I believe chances are great that you'll have it!

[FMW]

The thing that has finally gotten me to the point of maybe (just being honest) letting go of my MM now is working on myself, feeling better about myself and realizing I really do deserve better, as we all do. I found a lot of the free articles available on Jane Garapick's "Getting to true love" website very helpful.

[CrushingHope]

Crushing, you're romanticizing him. You dated him for two months and soon after he left you for another woman. And it all went downhill from there.

 

You've magnified and idealized the little that he's given you in that short span of time into the love story of your lifetime. That is also indicative of how little you believe you deserve and how warped your sense of being loved and cared for means in your mind. You need to figure out why you've placed someone like him on a pedestal.

 

I don't even think you love him. I think you're so desperate to be loved that you're hungry for just about anything to fill your soul. I've been where you are -- until you fill that void on your own, you'll be seeking attention and love in all the wrong places.

 

I feel like I can see what I'm doing. I can tell, logically, that I am romanticizing him. I don't think I love him either. I have figured that out over the last year of trying to get over this...I love how he made me feel, and who I was when we were together. I did love certain things about him, but I know I didn't know him well enough to love him.

 

I just don't know why I can't let it go when I know these things logically. I guess I just keep hoping that he'll prove me wrong, that he'll choose me and that it was all worth waiting for.

 

But as I sit here today at almost 2pm without a word from him after almost 6 weeks of "good morning beautiful xo"s every day, I panic at the thought that he has decided to stop talking to me.

 

I know there has to be something seriously wrong with me. I can't take this feeling anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy. Like, actually.

 

I'm sorry to sound pathetic. I don't have anywhere to turn. I am struggling so hard with this. I went out for a few hours just to get out of the house. I don't want to burden friends with this anymore and I don't know what else to do. I'm just sitting here bawling my face off. It makes no sense. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

[CrushingHope]

The thing that has finally gotten me to the point of maybe (just being honest) letting go of my MM now is working on myself, feeling better about myself and realizing I really do deserve better, as we all do. I found a lot of the free articles available on Jane Garapick's "Getting to true love" website very helpful.

 

Thank you. I will look at that website. I know I could use all the help I can find. I know I don't have enough self-worth. I don't know why. I just don't believe I deserve love I guess and I accept far less than I deserve. This has to change but I don't know how.

[CrushingHope]

This is good to read, CH! Seems you're on a pathway to extricating yourself from this situation. Also, have noticed you have the ability to accept criticism and weigh it honestly and objectively! Imo, that takes courage and humility both. You're going to be so much better off after you've put this behind you! Don't beat yourself up, just move on. I can imagine you've learned a lot from all of this that will help you in the future! But, still would be great and most likely growth producing to get into IC. Just wishing you the very best and I believe chances are great that you'll have it!

 

I hope you're right. I'm a good person and I do know what's right for me. I just have to find the courage to walk away but I'm so pulled in by it that I can't seem to break free. I know I'm getting closer. I have to accept that that counts for something and just keep adding to it. Thank you for your kind words and advice. I am so grateful that people are taking the time to help a stranger in need.

[BluesPower]

I feel like I can see what I'm doing. I can tell, logically, that I am romanticizing him. I don't think I love him either. I have figured that out over the last year of trying to get over this...I love how he made me feel, and who I was when we were together. I did love certain things about him, but I know I didn't know him well enough to love him.

 

I just don't know why I can't let it go when I know these things logically. I guess I just keep hoping that he'll prove me wrong, that he'll choose me and that it was all worth waiting for.

 

But as I sit here today at almost 2pm without a word from him after almost 6 weeks of "good morning beautiful xo"s every day, I panic at the thought that he has decided to stop talking to me.

 

I know there has to be something seriously wrong with me. I can't take this feeling anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy. Like, actually.

 

I'm sorry to sound pathetic. I don't have anywhere to turn. I am struggling so hard with this. I went out for a few hours just to get out of the house. I don't want to burden friends with this anymore and I don't know what else to do. I'm just sitting here bawling my face off. It makes no sense. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

 

This is what you will continue to face... if you don't get out.

 

He will not leave her for you. That much should be clear.

 

I know it is hard, but you have to let go...

[CrushingHope]

This is what you will continue to face... if you don't get out.

 

He will not leave her for you. That much should be clear.

 

I know it is hard, but you have to let go...

 

I guess it doesn't feel clear because he's done it before...back and forth...so it always feels like there's a chance. But I shouldn't sit here and wait. He pulls me in to make me have believe in the chance....I just don't know why he does this.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I feel like I can see what I'm doing. I can tell, logically, that I am romanticizing him. I don't think I love him either. I have figured that out over the last year of trying to get over this...I love how he made me feel, and who I was when we were together. I did love certain things about him, but I know I didn't know him well enough to love him.

 

I just don't know why I can't let it go when I know these things logically. I guess I just keep hoping that he'll prove me wrong, that he'll choose me and that it was all worth waiting for.

 

But as I sit here today at almost 2pm without a word from him after almost 6 weeks of "good morning beautiful xo"s every day, I panic at the thought that he has decided to stop talking to me.

 

I know there has to be something seriously wrong with me. I can't take this feeling anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy. Like, actually.

 

I'm sorry to sound pathetic. I don't have anywhere to turn. I am struggling so hard with this. I went out for a few hours just to get out of the house. I don't want to burden friends with this anymore and I don't know what else to do. I'm just sitting here bawling my face off. It makes no sense. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

 

CrushingHope, you do have somewhere to turn. Get yourself a Bible if you don't have one, a New International Version. And begin in the Old Testament by reading the Psalms. David, who wrote many of the Psalms, experienced deep depression and anxiety and wrote psalms when he was processing grief. He had a lot of relationship issues in that the woman he loved and was married to was given to another man as his wife. He came back to find her gone. He also committed adultery and then had the husband of the woman he did this with killed so that he wouldn't find out. All of this caused him great misery which he processed by writing about it, calling out to God about it and singing, as he was a musician.

 

If you read this book in the Bible you will most likely see yourself and your emotions in it and you'll also feel the comfort of God. The Bible teaches that it's God's Word to men and women and there is comfort in asking God to guide your mind before you read the Bible, then spending time each day reading it. I have done this in times of sorrow and/or disappointment. God will make Himself known to you if you allow Him to.

 

Another great book to read is the book of John in the New Testament. All of the Bible is good to read but these are ones I'd encourage you to start with if you've never read the Bible before.

 

If you do this you will be amazed at how much it will give you strength and peace. The Bible says, "Taste and see that the Lord is good, happy are they who take refuge in Him."

 

Sending hugs and prayers to you, dear. You are not alone. Far from it with the God of the universe as your Father and wanting to help and comfort you through this.

[CrushingHope]

CrushingHope, you do have somewhere to turn. Get yourself a Bible if you don't have one, a New International Version. And begin in the Old Testament by reading the Psalms. David, who wrote many of the Psalms, experienced deep depression and anxiety and wrote psalms when he was processing grief. He had a lot of relationship issues in that the woman he loved and was married to was given to another man as his wife. He came back to find her gone. He also committed adultery and then had the husband of the woman he did this with killed so that he wouldn't find out. All of this caused him great misery which he processed by writing about it, calling out to God about it and singing, as he was a musician.

 

If you read this book in the Bible you will most likely see yourself and your emotions in it and you'll also feel the comfort of God. The Bible teaches that it's God's Word to men and women and there is comfort in asking God to guide your mind before you read the Bible, then spending time each day reading it. I have done this in times of sorrow and/or disappointment. God will make Himself known to you if you allow Him to.

 

Another great book to read is the book of John in the New Testament. All of the Bible is good to read but these are ones I'd encourage you to start with if you've never read the Bible before.

 

If you do this you will be amazed at how much it will give you strength and peace. The Bible says, "Taste and see that the Lord is good, happy are they who take refuge in Him."

 

Sending hugs and prayers to you, dear. You are not alone. Far from it with the God of the universe as your Father and wanting to help and comfort you through this.

 

 

Thank you. Not to be offensive, but I don't believe in God. I don't think that's the place to turn for me. Thank you for the thoughts and suggestion though.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thank you. Not to be offensive, but I don't believe in God. I don't think that's the place to turn for me. Thank you for the thoughts and suggestion though.

 

No offense taken, Crushing! I know that a great many people who are feeling alone don't believe in God but since He has been so powerful in my life to bring me joy, peace, and comfort, when I hear someone who expresses that they feel pathetic and have no place to turn I offer what I have been given that has made such a difference for me. It's a choice and each is free to take it or leave it! Sending hugs!

[CrushingHope]

No offense taken, Crushing! I know that a great many people who are feeling alone don't believe in God but since He has been so powerful in my life to bring me joy, peace, and comfort, when I hear someone who expresses that they feel pathetic and have no place to turn I offer what I have been given that has made such a difference for me. It's a choice and each is free to take it or leave it! Sending hugs!

 

Yes, of course. Sometimes I truly think having a faith would make certain things easier to deal with, but it's very hard to force yourself to believe in something you just don't.

I'm very glad that you've found peace and comfort in God. Everyone deserves to have somewhere to turn...

[eye of the storm]

Crushinghope. Ask yourself what makes you think that this guy, who has shown he is willing to lie, cheat and steal (not paying rent is just like stealing) is a prize you want to win. He has shown thru his actions time and time again that he is willing to screw everyone over. Why on earth do you think he won't do it to you?

 

 

Is it just the competition? Train for a race.

 

 

I watched a guy at the fair spend about $200 bucks trying to win a $3 stuffed animal. He was so angry. He wanted that toy no matter what. But, it wasn't the toy. It was the win. He lost money because he was so determined to win he forgot that what he wanted to win wasn't worth it.

 

 

You mention being afraid of being alone. Don't be. Be more afraid of "winning" this guy. He will ruin your finances, he will destroy any peace in your home (he loves drama or he wouldn't be with her), he will destroy you.

 

 

And you will have nobody to blame but yourself. Everyone on LS is trying to keep you from diving off this cliff but you just keep saying "yea but..." It is 100% your choice to continue this.

[BuddyX]

Time to put your big panties on. A LS member said it best

And I quote.

 

“No more "He/she/it made me feel bad, I can't help it." No more excuses, no more victim hood. It is very hard work, to let go of feeling like a victim. Feeling like a victim is like the most delicious poison because it absolves us of personal responsibility, and makes it not our fault. *But, feeling like a victim also ensures our lives will always suck because we have no control.”

[Zahara]

I love how he made me feel, and who I was when we were together. I did love certain things about him, but I know I didn't know him well enough to love him.

 

Yes, you love how the drug makes you feel. You're addicted to the highs so regardless of the lows, you need that fix from him. The only way to get over this is to go cold turkey NC.

 

I just don't know why I can't let it go when I know these things logically. I guess I just keep hoping that he'll prove me wrong, that he'll choose me and that it was all worth waiting for.

 

You can't let him go because you're desperate to be validated. Choose you? You want to be chosen by a douchebag? Those are your standards? You really need to step back and really invest some time, and start writing down the negatives and think about what it is you want in your life and truly deserve. When you start to romanticize this man, read your words and absorb your reality. Start being proactive.

 

But as I sit here today at almost 2pm without a word from him after almost 6 weeks of "good morning beautiful xo"s every day, I panic at the thought that he has decided to stop talking to me.

 

Who cares about a good morning text and xo's? He's waking up next to another woman every morning. Again, counter your fantasy thinking.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Yes, of course. Sometimes I truly think having a faith would make certain things easier to deal with, but it's very hard to force yourself to believe in something you just don't.

I'm very glad that you've found peace and comfort in God. Everyone deserves to have somewhere to turn...

 

Crushing, your posts always seem to touch my heart with their innocence and candor! Yes, believing has made so much for me so easy that would have otherwise been so difficult! You should never have to force yourself to believe in God! I am going to ask God to bring you belief on a silver platter with no effort for you at all, dear girl!

[CrushingHope]

...still hasn't texted me. He was texting me every single day for 6 weeks. Said goodnight as usual on Thursday evening, and have not gotten a text since.

 

I texted him to see if something was going on. No response.

 

I don't understand why he does this to someone who has done nothing but treat him well. How can he be so hot and cold? I just don't understand.

 

I'm sitting here crying for him again and again and I know I deserve more. I will never understand why he continues to do this and why I continue to have hope that he will finally choose me/us.

 

just trying to get it out...i know what everyone will say...

[FMW]

He is that way because he can be. He's only concerned with himself and what he wants. You've shown him he can ignore you when he wants to (to do the "good husband" stuff or maybe even recruiting another OW) and that you'll be there when he's ready for you again.

 

Same exact thing with me and so many other women who post here. We are not unique or special, no matter what they tell us. Words are cheap. His actions make it clear. Focus on those.

 

I know you know all that, but reading it over and over has helped me move along somewhat and maybe it can for you as well. Keep reading it and let it sink in. When you're feeling sad and wanting to contact him read these posts. At some point you will turn a corner - but you HAVE to be real with yourself.

 

Focus on what you want for yourself and see how he can't/won't be that. But someone else can and will be if you let him go.

[BaileyB]

...still hasn't texted me. He was texting me every single day for 6 weeks. Said goodnight as usual on Thursday evening, and have not gotten a text since.

 

I texted him to see if something was going on. No response.

 

I don't understand why he does this to someone who has done nothing but treat him well. How can he be so hot and cold? I just don't understand.

 

I'm sitting here crying for him again and again and I know I deserve more. I will never understand why he continues to do this and why I continue to have hope that he will finally choose me/us.

 

The moment that you decide that the power is not his, but yours, is the moment you will be free.

 

The future of this relationship, and your life, is yours to decide... Not his.

[CrushingHope]

He is that way because he can be. He's only concerned with himself and what he wants. You've shown him he can ignore you when he wants to (to do the "good husband" stuff or maybe even recruiting another OW) and that you'll be there when he's ready for you again.

 

Same exact thing with me and so many other women who post here. We are not unique or special, no matter what they tell us. Words are cheap. His actions make it clear. Focus on those.

 

I know you know all that, but reading it over and over has helped me move along somewhat and maybe it can for you as well. Keep reading it and let it sink in. When you're feeling sad and wanting to contact him read these posts. At some point you will turn a corner - but you HAVE to be real with yourself.

 

Focus on what you want for yourself and see how he can't/won't be that. But someone else can and will be if you let him go.

 

Thank you. I keep going back and reading this thread over and over...trying to get it to sink in. It's like I know everyone is right but I'm so damaged that I can't do what I know is right for myself. And now that he's ghosting me, and I've reached out trying to see if there's something going on, with no response, it feels pathetic now to write and say "don't ever talk to me again".

[CrushingHope]

The moment that you decide that the power is not his, but yours, is the moment you will be free.

 

The future of this relationship, and your life, is yours to decide... Not his.

 

How can I have any power at all now that he's ghosted me? If he says anything more to me and I respond with "don't talk to me" or something ok, but if he never reaches out again how do I take my power back?

[BaileyB]

How can I have any power at all now that he's ghosted me? If he says anything more to me and I respond with "don't talk to me" or something ok, but if he never reaches out again how do I take my power back?

 

You take your power back by saying to yourself "this selfish, worthless man has ghosted me! He has not even given me the decency to say goodbye and wish me well, so I will chose to walk away now and not give this man another moment of my time. Not one more single day of my life will be spent waiting, and wondering, and hoping for him to come around and give me a little bit of attention... I will focus on myself, and create my own life, such that if he ever comes sniffing around again... I will not be interested in seeing him again or hearing a word he says!"

 

It doesn't matter if he contacts you again or not. What he does or does not do is of absolutely no consequence to you. YOU are your own person, you make your own decisions, and the only person you control is YOU!

 

He can chose to contact you again or not, it does not matter... What matters is YOU and whether YOU can build a life that you can be proud and find your own happiness. Focus on YOU, not him.

Edited January 7, 2018 by BaileyB

[CrushingHope]

You take your power back by saying to yourself "this selfish, worthless man has ghosted me! He has not even given me the decency to say goodbye and wish me well, so I will chose to walk away now and not give this man another moment of my time. Not one more single day of my life will be spent waiting, and wondering, and hoping for him to come around and give me a little bit of attention... I will focus on myself, and create my own life, such that if he ever comes sniffing around again... I will not be interested in seeing him again or hearing a word he says!"

 

I will read this over and over. I need this to soak in. Thank you for putting it so clearly. I'm trying so hard to get over the idea of us being together. It's not a good situation now and if we got together, I can't see that it would be anything good after the honeymoon period.

 

He once told me that the reasons he keeps going back to her are things that would make him look bad and he doesn't want me to know and will never, ever tell me. He would say "you have no idea what is going on there. not in the least".

 

So I don't know what those things are, but if he's saying they're bad, they must be really bad. I'm trying to keep all of these negative things in focus. I've written down a lot of things to go over daily.

 

This is so hard.