From GF to OW

[CrushingHope]

This is how it goes... and I know that you are upset, I know you are hurting.

 

This is why everyone said to not "date" him through this process. If he comes for you if/when he gets a divorce, great.

 

If not, most likely, you have not hurt yourself further by loving him and waiting for him.

 

Believe me I understand how hard it is to pull the plug, but it is what you have to do...

 

I didn't date him. I never even saw him. I shouldn't have talked to him for as long as I did. I knew this was coming too. I could sense it.

 

I won't have to pull the plug. He's doing it right now.

 

I saw this coming miles away and I tried to hold on hard and I pushed him away further.

 

I am totally beating myself up for doing everything wrong with him. Every time. And now he's ending it, I've lost any dignity I had left and I feel like utter crap.

[BluesPower]

I didn't date him. I never even saw him. I shouldn't have talked to him for as long as I did. I knew this was coming too. I could sense it.

 

I won't have to pull the plug. He's doing it right now.

 

I saw this coming miles away and I tried to hold on hard and I pushed him away further.

 

I am totally beating myself up for doing everything wrong with him. Every time. And now he's ending it, I've lost any dignity I had left and I feel like utter crap.

 

Hold on there...

 

Do you think you are the only person that has been in love and has done something stupid? I assure you that you are but one among many.

 

I could tell you stories that would make you hair curl, unless it is already curly.

 

You only did what you did because you loved him. It does not make you crap it makes you in love.

 

It is just time to dust yourself off and move one. And you will get over this, with time...

[BaileyB]

I am totally beating myself up for doing everything wrong with him. Every time. And now he's ending it, I've lost any dignity I had left and I feel like utter crap.

 

I don't know that there was anything you could have done that would have changed the course of events. It may be a terrible relationship, but ultimately it is his decision whether he stays with this woman. And, he has shown you and told you that he is not ready to leave.

 

Gather your dignity, and be grateful that you haven't wasted more time on this relationship. There are better things meant to be in your future... now, go get them!

[CrushingHope]

I don't know that there was anything you could have done that would have changed the course of events. It may be a terrible relationship, but ultimately it is his decision whether he stays with this woman. And, he has shown you and told you that he is not ready to leave.

 

Gather your dignity, and be grateful that you haven't wasted more time on this relationship. There are better things meant to be in your future... now, go get them!

 

I can't seem to do anything but sit here and cry. I felt so close this time to finally really having him be with me. And yet I ended up hurt and alone again for the 3rd time.

 

I don't know how to get up again...

[BaileyB]

I can't seem to do anything but sit here and cry. I felt so close this time to finally really having him be with me. And yet I ended up hurt and alone again for the 3rd time.

 

I don't know how to get up again...

 

You cry tonight. Get some sleep and start again tomorrow.

 

You simply must change this narrative in your head... It is so negative and very self defeating. Whatever gave you the impression that you were close to having him?

[CrushingHope]

You cry tonight. Get some sleep and start again tomorrow.

 

You simply must change this narrative in your head... It is so negative and very self defeating. Whatever gave you the impression that you were close to having him?

 

Because he kept talking about the things that we were going to do together, the places we were going to go, and saying how nothing had changed with her and nothing was improving. It made me feel like he was getting to the end of his rope with her. The card he gave me that said before me everything was just "okay" and after me his life has changed. All of the things he said made me believe that we were closer to making this happen. He asked me to be patient while he sorts it out...all of the things he said implied it. And I wanted it so badly that I convinced myself that it was all true, even though the tiny voice in the back of my head said that I was only 2nd best.

 

I know I'm not making a lot of sense right now. I know I will be okay one day but right now it just doesn't feel like it.

 

I just told him "can you not see how I would think you had genuine feelings for me and that you thought of me as a much better match for you?" He said "YOU ARE!!"

 

It's just so confusing and hurtful.

 

I will never make sense of this. Someone responded to me earlier saying that this doesn't make sense to me because I'm the "normal, loving, good" person. And I truly think she was right. I can never make sense of this because it wouldn't make sense to a normal, non-dysfuntion seeking person.

 

sigh. I know I'm at a rock bottom now. I get it.

[Zahara]

Stop focusing on his words. Focus on his ACTIONS. People will tell you whatever they think you need to hear in order to get what they want.

 

Words are easy, cheap.

 

His words are telling you that YOU ARE a better match. His ACTIONS however have consistently shown you otherwise. Embrace the latter.

[BaileyB]

I wanted it so badly that I convinced myself that it was all true, even though the tiny voice in the back of my head said that I was only 2nd best.

 

You are not second best. Please, don't think that about yourself.

 

He made a different decision. And, a poor decision at that.

 

His decision, in no way reflects on you or the wonderful person that you are!!!

 

Hugs to you. I hope you find peace with this. It will be ok.

[wmacbride]

op,

please don't take this as an insult, but there is something in you that brings out the protective mom in me. It make me want to go and kick this guy's behind and tell him to smarten the F up and leave you alone:laugh:.

 

BS, OW/OM and assorted others post on here, and we do tend to bicker back and forth. When everyone pretty much agrees on something, you can take that to mean it's probably true.

 

In your case, you have been told by all of us that you are too good for this guy and he is just dragging you down ( misery loves company?). You have so much to offer.

 

Whatever this guy may or may not be, he simply isn't capable of being a good relationship partner, mostly because he is so caught up in what he needs, what he wants and what makes him feel better. He can't give anything to you. You could be the best woman on the face of the earth and that wouldn't change a thing, because really, his behavior isn't about you, it's all about him. As sick as is sounds, there are some people who actually love the drama of his home situation. They feed on that, and they will drag anyone else in who they can. Part of him knows that if your self esteem was stronger, you wouldn't put up with his crap, and he needs to keep you feeling down.

[CrushingHope]

It's just so hard to see this turn in him. 3 weeks ago, everything was about how amazing I am and perfect and blah blah blah and now in a heartbeat he blames me for him walking away. It's such a mind-f**k. I know I didn't do anything "wrong" but everything he said make me doubt my asking him questions. I never pressured him to be with me, but I did pressure him for honesty and to answer questions that would allow me to see things for what they are. I asked him to tell me what I was being "patient" for (which he asked me to be). And he wouldn't tell me so what am I supposed to do? Just sit there and wait for something that may never come? That's so unfair of him...and then to turn it around on me...that I did something wrong....

 

it's so hurtful. honestly. I clearly don't know him. I guess I never thought I did. I always knew he could turn on anyone...I've seen him fight with his own daughter and not take any responsibility for hurting her. She barely talks to him anymore. That's a huge sign.

 

Why can't I just accept that he's not a good person and walk away??? Why is that so hard for me????

[CrushingHope]

op,

please don't take this as an insult, but there is something in you that brings out the protective mom in me. It make me want to go and kick this guy's behind and tell him to smarten the F up and leave you alone:laugh:.

 

BS, OW/OM and assorted others post on here, and we do tend to bicker back and forth. When everyone pretty much agrees on something, you can take that to mean it's probably true.

 

In your case, you have been told by all of us that you are too good for this guy and he is just dragging you down ( misery loves company?). You have so much to offer.

 

Whatever this guy may or may not be, he simply isn't capable of being a good relationship partner, mostly because he is so caught up in what he needs, what he wants and what makes him feel better. He can't give anything to you. You could be the best woman on the face of the earth and that wouldn't change a thing, because really, his behavior isn't about you, it's all about him. As sick as is sounds, there are some people who actually love the drama of his home situation. They feed on that, and they will drag anyone else in who they can. Part of him knows that if your self esteem was stronger, you wouldn't put up with his crap, and he needs to keep you feeling down.

 

I know you're right about all of it. I know he's not a good person. I have seen this terrible underside to him for 2 years. But it wasn't enough to keep me away because I was already sucked in by his riptide.

 

I was on vacation a few weeks ago and I actually got stuck in the riptide when I was swimming. I knew the only way out is to NOT swim towards the ocean where you came from, or I would just be sucked back into the claws of the tide, so I had to swim parallel with the shore in order to "break the grip of the rip" as they say, and make my way out.

 

I have to find it in me to break his grip. I have to swim out. I just feel so low and weak from trying to swim to shore for two years.

[Vivir]

CrushingHope, I think that is very powerful visualization, the metaphor you just used there in your swimming analogy. Sometimes you just have to sit with it. You'll cry. You'll grieve. You'll come to bear the awful truth of the situation, his actions, YOUR actions, and it will be quite ugly. I found that as badly as I hurt when I thought of his actions and behavior, I felt even worse when I started dealing with my own...

 

Sometimes, you just have to sit with it and be down in the dumps.

 

Once, I imagined that I had been flushed down the toilet and was drowning in the sewer, and I imagined myself literally drowning there. I didn't have the motivation or strength to save myself. And I didn't care. I explained my feelings to one of my best friends in the world and gave her my metaphor, and she asked me what I was going to do.. I told her, "I think I am just going to sit here for a while." I felt absolutely terrible. I was crying in the shower and would get out and lay down in a towel on the floor. It was awful!

 

But one day, I imagined myself finally floating out of the sewer into some other body of water and ending up in a beautiful wooded area where the sun was shining. I eventually got up and walked with the sun on my face.

 

A lot of us continue to struggle with our personal demons. You are NOT the only one. Some of us are just starting, others are further along.

 

Don't give up on you. It's going to hurt, and it might hurt for a long while. But don't give up on you. Keep moving forward and one day, you will find that you're feeling better. But you have to do the work.

 

This guy has to go.

Edited January 11, 2018 by Vivir

[CrushingHope]

Mornings are so hard. I miss hearing from him.

 

I don't understand how it's so easy after weeks of texting all day to just completely cutting me out. I want to message him so badly and demand answers but I know that's not going to get me anywhere. He won't give them to me and they wouldn't make sense, even if he did. I know from past experiences that after he's walked away, when I texted him he would be very confusing telling me I had no idea how "hard" this was for him too and that I'm perfect and amazing and all this crap. And I would walk away continuing to have hope that things would turn around.

 

I can't keep doing that to myself. But it hurts so much not to talk to him and to feel cast aside after all his words. He told me what we had felt "more than true love" because we could never actually seem to get over each other. It sounded so romantic. And when you want that with someone and they say it to you, you want to believe it so much...even though in the back of my mind I thought "if that were really true you'd be here with me instead of there with her".

 

I can't stop crying. I just want this pain to stop. I can't keep feeling like this. I have spent 20% of the time I've known him being beyond happy and amazing and 80% of the time feeling the worst I've ever felt in my life.

 

Thanks for letting me get this out. I don't know where else to turn.

[BaileyB]

Mornings are so hard. I miss hearing from him.

 

I don't understand how it's so easy after weeks of texting all day to just completely cutting me out. I want to message him so badly and demand answers but I know that's not going to get me anywhere. He won't give them to me and they wouldn't make sense, even if he did. I know from past experiences that after he's walked away, when I texted him he would be very confusing telling me I had no idea how "hard" this was for him too and that I'm perfect and amazing and all this crap. And I would walk away continuing to have hope that things would turn around.

 

I can't keep doing that to myself. But it hurts so much not to talk to him and to feel cast aside after all his words. He told me what we had felt "more than true love" because we could never actually seem to get over each other. It sounded so romantic. And when you want that with someone and they say it to you, you want to believe it so much...even though in the back of my mind I thought "if that were really true you'd be here with me instead of there with her".

 

I can't stop crying. I just want this pain to stop. I can't keep feeling like this. I have spent 20% of the time I've known him being beyond happy and amazing and 80% of the time feeling the worst I've ever felt in my life.

 

Thanks for letting me get this out. I don't know where else to turn.

 

One day at a time. I hope you have something you enjoy that you can do today.

[CrushingHope]

One day at a time. I hope you have something you enjoy that you can do today.

 

I don't. I have nothing going on at all. I know everyone tells me to find something but it's next to impossible to leave the couch. Yesterday I spent all day in my pajamas feeling sorry for myself and crying. I know that's not good for me yet I can't seem to do anything else. I don't have anything to do specifically and trying to find something feels like torture.

 

I feel myself sliding back into the depression that took over my life for months and months after he did the same to me last October.

 

I'm really scared.

[BaileyB]

I don't. I have nothing going on at all. I know everyone tells me to find something but it's next to impossible to leave the couch. Yesterday I spent all day in my pajamas feeling sorry for myself and crying. I know that's not good for me yet I can't seem to do anything else. I don't have anything to do specifically and trying to find something feels like torture.

 

I feel myself sliding back into the depression that took over my life for months and months after he did the same to me last October.

 

I'm really scared.

 

As my mother would say, you need to get dressed, go outside, and find something nice to do. Go for a walk at the park (if it's warm enough). Go shopping and buy yourself something nice. Go get a coffee and read a book at Starbucks.

 

My dear, you need to reach out. Find someone to talk to. Call a friend. Find a counsellor. Join a class. Talk to people.

 

I know it's hard, when you want to sit in the sofa and cry. But, you need to do this, for yourself. Nobody else can do it for you.

 

Have a good day.

[eye of the storm]

Crushing, doing what is easy and what you want got you here. Time to stop. Get up, take a shower, put clothes on, go outside. Force yourself. Don't care if you want to or not, force yourself.

 

 

Go outside, read a book, take a walk, look at the clouds. But go.

 

 

That is the most important part, go.

 

 

Taking an action will make you feel better. But the important part is to keep going, every day take an action.

 

 

Right now you feel like crap and are wallowing in it because you feel helpless and abandoned. Like you have no power. That is a lie you are telling yourself.

 

 

When a soldier is lost behind enemy lines, do you think he just digs a hole and lays in it. No, he gets moving to get himself out of it. You need to do the same.

 

 

Get up and get out of that house!

[CantTakeMySmile]

Maybe if you realize that when he said you were pressuring him about being with him....he was just using this as an excuse. You were pressuring him about being honest, and he didn't want to be honest with you. So, instead he said you were pressuring him about leaving her. Deflection.

 

 

Maybe that thought will make you understand that you didn't do anything wrong. And since you didn't do anything wrong, there is nothing that you could have changed to make the outcome come out differently.

 

 

When was the last time you texted him?

 

 

I agree with the other posters. You have to MAKE yourself get out. I know you don't want to, but that really doesn't matter. You have to. Make a small goal of doing something productive everyday, and keep it!

[CrushingHope]

Maybe if you realize that when he said you were pressuring him about being with him....he was just using this as an excuse. You were pressuring him about being honest, and he didn't want to be honest with you. So, instead he said you were pressuring him about leaving her. Deflection.

 

 

Maybe that thought will make you understand that you didn't do anything wrong. And since you didn't do anything wrong, there is nothing that you could have changed to make the outcome come out differently.

 

 

When was the last time you texted him?

 

 

I agree with the other posters. You have to MAKE yourself get out. I know you don't want to, but that really doesn't matter. You have to. Make a small goal of doing something productive everyday, and keep it!

 

 

I knew in the moment that he said it that he was deflecting. Also, when I said something else (reminding him of the things he has said about his gf that has made him want to leave...that she has made his life hell etc.) he said "you're really starting to weird me out". Again, deflecting because he knew what I was saying was true and rather than take responsibility for it, he tries to make me feel insecure about what I said. Even though I understand logically that I was not in the wrong here, the thought of him calling me weird or turning this on me is so hurtful and I can't understand how he has it in him to keep hurting the ONE and ONLY person in his life (including his kids) to keep giving him the benefit of the doubt and to keep treating him well.

 

I guess the part I'm truly upset at myself for is not saying "i want to talk to you but please don't message me until/unless you've actually left her" at the beginning of this when he was creeping into my life again. I can't seem to ever do what's right for myself.

 

I haven't talked to him for two days. I know that's not a lot. I want to reach out so badly but I know I can't. There is no point.

 

I know I have to leave the house. It's freezing rain out today which isn't helpful but I have to get out and do something or I'll go even more nuts. I'm just finding it difficult to push myself.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I also have not had the strength to tell my ex to get lost when she comes sneaking back around. So, I get it.

 

 

She NEVER tells me any excuses... she just disappears. We are always "ON" when she is around... never arguing etc. So, I am left clueless.

 

 

Hopefully, this time I will do the right thing for me.

 

 

Go do something!

[CrushingHope]

I also have not had the strength to tell my ex to get lost when she comes sneaking back around. So, I get it.

 

 

She NEVER tells me any excuses... she just disappears. We are always "ON" when she is around... never arguing etc. So, I am left clueless.

 

 

Hopefully, this time I will do the right thing for me.

 

 

Go do something!

 

I don't know why we can't believe there is something better for us. I know that's the core of my problem, and likely yours as well.

 

Finding self worth has to be my biggest priority so I can get over this and not allow him or anyone else to offer me their scraps and act like that's enough for me.

 

God, I can't stop crying. How can I still have this many tears over this guy? last year my eyelashes started falling out because of how much I was crying. I was so relieved when they finally started growing back in. It just made me feel like there was a small improvement....and I let it happen all over again. I am so angry at myself and at him.

[FMW]

CrushingHope, have you tried counseling (I'm sorry if you have mentioned that, I don't recall)? Not only would talking to someone and getting direct and immediate feedback most likely be helpful, it would also involve you actively doing something to get past this and might help you to feel empowered so that you can take the day by day baby steps required to move forward.

 

You seem to be completely unwilling/unable to let go. I understand that's where it begins, I even began my first post here with "Why can't I let go?". But reading the hundreds/thousands of posts on this forum has really knocked some sense into me that I couldn't accept on my own. If they are not having the same effect on you then I would seriously consider seeing a counselor to help you discover why you hang on so tightly to something so obviously painful and destructive to you.

 

I really do understand your feelings. I'm still working on myself and my own situation, we're still in LC but I'm doing better at avoiding actual face to face time. I think about everything he's said about his relationship with his wife and how he doesn't believe they will ever be happy together. I think about everything he's said to me over the past 33 months and continues to say even now to me about his feelings for me. I can't understand how he can stay in that situation and just keep me on the side. But I've accepted that it doesn't matter whether I understand or not, it's just the way it is. I don't know how much of what he has said is actually true, but I do know that he continues to choose to be with his BW and continues to choose to NOT be with me on a full time basis. That's all I need to understand. I snap out of the rounds of circular thinking much more quickly now than even just a month ago. You have to make the decision to keep working on moving past this, day by day.

 

I'm older, in my early 50s so maybe that's the difference for me. I spent 23+ years in a marriage that had been dead for most of that time and I am so very aware now that life is short and there is no more time to waste. I will always love my MM, but that doesn't mean we will be in each others' lives or should. You have the power to be happy and to make the decisions that will lead you to that happiness and to someone who will be thrilled to share that happiness with you. But you have to acknowledge that power and use it.

[Vivir]

CrushingHope, you are at the beginning stage again since you let him back in. You fell off the wagon, but you do have the ability to get back on. Dust yourself off and get back on it. He had his shot, now he has to go.

 

Every single time you break NC - or allow him to break it, there is the possibility of these types of feelings coming back into your life full force. You are the only one who can stop the madness.

 

It's been two days. We all had to start somewhere. All of us.

 

Even though I understand logically that I was not in the wrong here, the thought of him calling me weird or turning this on me is so hurtful and I can't understand how he has it in him to keep hurting the ONE and ONLY person in his life (including his kids) to keep giving him the benefit of the doubt and to keep treating him well.

 

I can't seem to ever do what's right for myself.

 

Have you ever considered that the reason he keeps hurting the people who keep giving him the benefit of the doubt is likely because

a) he doesn't feel that he is worthy of the benefit of the doubt?

(If this is the case, you can sympathize with him, but given the nature of his relationship with you, this is not your problem to help him fix. Besides, it would take a willingness to fix on his side to even get started. This same thing goes for you.)

 

or

 

b) he doesn't care about anyone's feelings but his own?

(If this is the case, he is selfish... and careless... and would you want this type of person in your life? If so, why? Maybe you could also write down why you wouldn't. Maybe that would help you to see him as less attractive.)

 

or

 

c) he knows what he is doing and sees your giving him the benefit of the doubt as you being a bona fide doormat?

(If this is the case, perhaps he is an a$$clown. People without integrity don't respect those they can run over at will; they only respect those that put their proverbial foot down and won't take any of their bullisht.)

 

^^^All of these are possibilities. You feel powerless, because he has made the decision to hurt you all over again. Take back your power by showing yourself the love and care you had for him. You deserve it more than he does, and you will likely get a return on that investment.

 

Finding self worth has to be my biggest priority so I can get over this and not allow him or anyone else to offer me their scraps and act like that's enough for me.

 

It just made me feel like there was a small improvement....and I let it happen all over again. I am so angry at myself and at him.

 

I am so happy that you know what your goal is, because many people cannot verbalize their goals...

 

If self-worth is what you're searching for... take another poster's advice (I'm sorry, I cannot remember who said it and it might have been more than one person):

 

If you're out of work, get thee to a library and check out books on self-development.

 

I am one of the members here who is all about finding and/or developing self-love, self-compassion, self-esteem, self-worth.

 

I am too cheap and too leery to talk with a professional. I have found that my newest regiment works wonders for me:

 

I find articles to read into my voice recorder - or I find YouTube videos to record into my voice recorder. This way, I can listen no matter what I am doing. It helps to drown out the silent noise I experience, and it has helped me feel less lonely.

 

This week, I am listening to the $12 audiobook by Brene Brown entitled "Men, Women, and Worthiness". She has heavily researched shame and worthiness and has several books out now... and there are interviews and TED talks of her on YouTube.

 

I would also encourage you to read, and consider reading it aloud and into a voice recorder (I use the one in the memo app on my phone) so you can play it back when you feel yourself heading into a spiral...

 

Make it a 30-minute or hour long session with yourself on a daily basis... I am not a mental health professional, but for me, this has really helped.

 

Also consider looking into the articles by Peter Michaelson on why we suffer.

 

I really hope this helps you. We're all rooting for you!

 

PS - if it is freezing rain, you can simply open the door and breathe in the cold air for a few minutes. Then take a shower. And then get to showing yourself due care.

[LoverOfDance]

Hi CrushingHope, I woke up this morning, found your thread and took the time to read the entire thing.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, I was also in a situation I could not understand a few years ago. It didn't make any sense to me. I kept going back to a man who didn't love me. He also had a long term gf and for whatever reason, he strung me along.

 

It took me 5 years to finally let him go. I cried almost every day because I just couldn't understand why I felt so strongly for him. He wasn't exactly a good catch since he seemed willing to cheat on his gf with me.

 

I came to this site to vent. Some were helpful but most were harsh. One person in particular called me a F****** emo. I was in a situation that I just couldn't get out of and I didn't know why. I am very thankful for my siblings because they listened to me talk about this man for 5 years and never judged me.

 

This is how I finally moved on - one day I told myself that no one deserves to go through this kind of pain. NO ONE. You don't deserve to hurt this way. You will never understand this situation no matter how hard you try. The situation is like a really difficult puzzle. You have to realize that you don't have to solve it. You can literally leave the pieces on the floor and walk away.

 

This man will never EVER stop hurting you. He had already shown you twice that he could not be trusted and now he is doing it for a third time. Even if he leaves his gf, DO NOT take him back. He will never stop hurting you, I can promise you this. Leave the pieces of the puzzle on the floor and move on with your life. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. Don't rush your grieving process. Cry as much as you need to. Don't ever hold the tears back. CRY. With time, your heart will heal and I promise you, you will be happy again.

[CrushingHope]

CrushingHope, have you tried counseling (I'm sorry if you have mentioned that, I don't recall)? Not only would talking to someone and getting direct and immediate feedback most likely be helpful, it would also involve you actively doing something to get past this and might help you to feel empowered so that you can take the day by day baby steps required to move forward.

 

You seem to be completely unwilling/unable to let go. I understand that's where it begins, I even began my first post here with "Why can't I let go?". But reading the hundreds/thousands of posts on this forum has really knocked some sense into me that I couldn't accept on my own. If they are not having the same effect on you then I would seriously consider seeing a counselor to help you discover why you hang on so tightly to something so obviously painful and destructive to you.

 

 

Thank you, Finding My Way, for your helpful comments.

 

I am so deeply grateful for the feedback and help I'm getting here. I literally read what everyone says multiple times. I believe thoroughly in what has been said to me and I promise you all that it isn't going in one ear and out the other. Throughout the day I find myself thinking about specific things that people have said, or other people's stories about how they broke free from a similar situation. And I can only hope that I will find the strength to do the same things.

 

I would seek counselling but am currently waiting for my next job to start (it's with the gov't and they're way behind with the paperwork) and can't afford any counselling at the moment. But I have been doing a lot of research online and trying to find some therapy that way.

 

Embarrassingly, I was even on a crisis line this morning in order to talk myself out of texting him. I didn't. So, I will take that as a win.

 

Once I start working I will find a counsellor who might be able to help me figure out why I lack the self-worth necessary to say no to a guy/situation like this. I pride myself on being a very strong and independent woman...but when it comes to my heart, I feel so very desperate. I just want to be chosen.