From GF to OW

[BaileyB]

This will end, only when you are ready for it to end. Only, when the pain of staying in this dysfunctional and unhealthy “relationship” is worse than the pain of letting go and having to find the strength within yourself to finally move on.

 

He is a weak and miserable man. If you want to tie your boat to his, you are more than welcome to do that. Just don’t be surprised when your boat sinks - because you made the decision to hook up with him, and you make the decision everyday to stay with him. For the love of God, let him go.

[Zahara]

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/601770-when-hope-all-you-have-left

 

Here's your first thread about him back in Nov 2016. You spoke about therapy and realizing he was bad for you and that you were making bad choices.

 

If you don't respect or love yourself enough, you'll keep on this path. You have invested way too much in so, so little.

 

It's a choice. Start doing, start taking action.

[CrushingHope]

But he's gone now. He told me goodbye...that everything was a lie.

[Zahara]

But he's gone now. He told me goodbye...that everything was a lie.

 

Like you said, he was forced. And all this lamenting on his part is nothing new. Once his drama dies down over there, he will come around again to pick at you.

 

Block him/deactivate your FB. Close the door everywhere. Focus inward. Embrace your pain. Start your journey towards healing.

[CrushingHope]

I reread my first post. It's excruciating to see my words from a year and a half ago...and that they have barely changed now. Same exact feelings of despair and confusion. I remember him saying every word "you have no idea how bad it is over there"..."there is so much more to this than you know"..."I don't want you to see me differently"..."I never, ever want you to know that chapter of my life"...

 

To this day, I believe that was all about the alcohol. She is an alcoholic but he claims not to drink anymore...that he hasn't in 2 years. The girl I know (who is 18 and lives there) says they are both alcoholics and fight all the time. When I told him that (cuz I wanted to get everything out on the table), he said she is mistaken and to ask her if she's ever actually seen him drink. But she also said he hasn't had a drink since going back. I did see him post on fb about drinking about 2 weeks before we got back together (I just saw this recently) so I know he was drinking then. When he went back, he said to this young girl "don't you ever, ever talk about me to your boyfriend (her bf is my friend's mom who tells me all this stuff) or anyone else ever again!" She said she was afraid.

 

He obviously doesn't want me to know anything that goes on there....so clearly he still wants that door open...

[Zahara]

You keep analyzing their toxic relationship. The door is only open because of you.

 

Time to look within yourself because there’s something about you that chooses dysfunction.

 

Every time you start to focus on them, speak affirmations — that phase of your life is over and that you need to focus on your own self-development. Positive messages. Redirect your focus. Then get up and be productive.

 

Don’t sit there and dwell on why, if, etc. Sometimes we get fixated on the external when the internal - the negative view of ourself is the reason why we are where we are. It’s easier to focus on him/her but what does it say about you in that you’ve spent the past two years on this poor quality man?

 

Try to stop the cyclical analyzing. Change the channel and redirect the focus on you.

Edited May 21, 2018 by Zahara

[CrushingHope]

I know you're right. I obsess endlessly about them. And I work so hard to find answers....for what purpose? To have the knowledge so I won't get duped again? To take away some of the pain by knowing he can't possibly be happy? To prepare myself for something for "the next time" (because I never actually believe it's finished....because I know I"m the one who has to finish it and I haven't...)

 

I know there is a problem with my self-worth. I know I fear that this was my last chance at love, which is why I hang on. I'm 43 and I still haven't found the right guy and somehow he feels like enough....better than the thought of being alone forever.

 

How do you actually get yourself to believe there's someone else out there for you when you truly don't believe it?

 

I don't know where the lack of self-worth came from...but it's definitely there. I feel so angry at myself and so stupid for falling for him...I somehow feel that if he finally chooses me for good, it will show that he wasn't duping me, that I wasn't that stupid.

[Minneloa]

You keep analyzing their toxic relationship. The door is only open because of you.

 

Time to look within yourself because there’s something about you that chooses dysfunction.

 

Every time you start to focus on them, speak affirmations — that phase of your life is over and that you need to focus on your own self-development. Positive messages. Redirect your focus. Then get up and be productive.

 

Don’t sit there and dwell on why, if, etc. Sometimes we get fixated on the external when the internal - the negative view of ourself is the reason why we are where we are. It’s easier to focus on him/her but what does it say about you in that you’ve spent the past two years on this poor quality man?

 

Try to stop the cyclical analyzing. Change the channel and redirect the focus on you.

 

Hi CH,

 

I 100% agree with Zahara here.

 

One thing I have learned from my own personal struggles is that insight does not equal change. Change = change. In other words, you cannot think your way out of this. You have to force yourself to break the cycle of obsessive rumination by DOING something different. Ideally, this would be getting off FB for a while and/or blocking him on all platforms. I also think it is extremely damaging to receive a steady flow of information from the woman who lives in his house, and I urge you to ask your friend to stop updating you. It's only feeding your mind more useless fodder.

 

There are also smaller steps you can take to snap yourself out of the rumination. Have you eaten recently? Have you showered? Have you left the house this weekend? Are you ready for the work week in terms of clean clothes and food? I am serious. It seems to me that these basics of self-care are at least a nod to focusing on yourself rather than him.

 

M.

[CrushingHope]

Thank you Minneola. A friend says that to me often too "you can't think your way out of this". That seems to be my nature. I sit and stew for days and then slowly I think about it less. But this situation, because I keep taking him back, continues on and on and I never seem to get over it. Even when I started to feel a little stronger last month...wasn't feeling as sad anymore, felt a little brighter about my days etc...as soon as I saw his text I was both like "yay! and F**K" at the same time.

 

I have been quite good at keeping up with my external self-care. I wasn't eating much last week but I'm better with that these days. I am showering and doing my dishes, getting out and meeting friends for walks etc. It seems that this has just become a part of me so yes there are tough days, like today and yesterday, but the others just seem like normal, quiet-melancholy filled days. No real sense of joy or anything at all that I look forward to. It's definitely become an underlying fog of depression but am able to do what needs to be done physically at least. I know that's not saying much.

[Zahara]

I know I fear that this was my last chance at love, which is why I hang on. I'm 43 and I still haven't found the right guy and somehow he feels like enough....better than the thought of being alone forever.

 

I found love at 45 after many very painful relationships. But it didn’t happen until I took a number of years away from men, embraced the pain and discomfort of being lonely (not alone/there’s a difference), working on myself and being on my own. I got to a point where I was content without a relationship. Never in my life!

 

Your thinking is limiting and defeatist. The fear of being “alone” puts you in a place such as this — settling for anything just to have something. That kind of desperation leaves you sticking around bad relationships longer than you should.

 

IHow do you actually get yourself to believe there's someone else out there for you when you truly don't believe it?

 

It’s common to feel this way after an ending. But this is the least of your issues. The priority is you and when you reach a point in your life where you’ve healed and you’re in an emotionally balanced place, a relationship is going to be a bonus in your life rather than the end all be all. You need to get well with yourself first.

 

I don't know where the lack of self-worth came from...but it's definitely there. I feel so angry at myself and so stupid for falling for him...I somehow feel that if he finally chooses me for good, it will show that he wasn't duping me, that I wasn't that stupid.

 

You keep coming up with all kinds of excuses to stay where you are — he wasn’t duping you? You just had a laundry list of negatives for him. Again, try to stop dwelling — it breeds irrational thoughts and keeps you stuck. You need to change channel.

[Zahara]

Block him everywhere. You need to do this if you want to heal and move on.

[Minneloa]

That is excellent and not to be underestimated!

 

Now, would you be willing to deactivate your Facebook account for a spell? It doesn't have to be permanent. A crucial part of healing is stopping (or at least slowing to a trickle) input and information that hurts you. This is a huge opportunity to put yourself first.

 

(speaking of self-care, I am off to yoga)

 

M.

[BaileyB]

I found love at 40 after I embraced the pain of loneliness and decided to stop searching for validation from a man. I decided that my self worth was not going to be decided whether I had a relationship or not. I decided that I was going to live my life and do the things that made ME happy. I finally realized that I was responsible to create my own happiness... And I quit waiting and wishing and despairing about my relationship status.

 

Your thinking is limiting and self defeating. My goodness, I would so much rather be alone than hanging onto a relationship that is going nowhere with a man who makes me unhappy. There is so much more to life - and you will never find it if you continue to stay stuck in this dead end relationship.

 

The thing is, changing your thinking, letting go of the "security" you feel by hanging onto this man, and going out to build a better life are risky and frightening things to do. The pain that you know is better than the pain and uncertainty of doing something new, something different...

[CrushingHope]

How do you embrace the pain of loneliness?

 

I have been single for the better part of 10 years. I've dated here and there but this was really the only person I'd met in a all of that time that I could see myself with.

 

Before this, I was fine being on my own. I enjoy my alone time very much (and to be honest, when he was here for the weekend, I was worried about having to get used to someone being around all the time), and have many interests that are just for me. I spend most of my time alone. I can honestly say that being alone is not an issue for the most part, but I have always still wanted to share my life with someone...and I don't think that's uncommon or weird.

 

And when he came along, although not great timing because he had just split with her, I did think it was potentially the person I had been waiting for all this time.

 

And to find that that's not true, and to go back to my life alone after feeling things I hadn't felt in so long and some never before, has been difficult. And now the thought of living the rest of my days without the good things that he gave me, is very hard.

 

Humans need affection and love. People tell me not to find happiness in another person, but come on...for most people, the most treasured aspects of their lives are their families - their significant others and children. I won't have children now, as I'm 43 and don't think that's in the cards for me. But to think of life without a partner to share it with? After being patient for so long, after doing things "right" (making a life for myself without someone etc)...really makes me sad.

 

I love hearing about the stories where people meet someone later in life. They inspire me and give me hope. I just don't see it for myself, I guess. I can't imagine how it would ever happen. I know I have a lot to offer. I just don't think anyone will discover it.

[CrushingHope]

I blocked them on FB. Him and her and any of their friends that I was looking up. I know I can reverse this at anytime so it makes it feel easier. I have blocked them many times before. But I do have to do it for now because looking them up, waiting for new pics or posts, trying to read between the lines of their fake smiles is driving me crazy.

[BaileyB]

Good for you, don't unblock them.

 

I see love as being not just something that is shared with a romantic partner. I had so much love in my life - shared with family and friends. I developed so many strong relationships. I spent time doing thing that brought me joy. I traveled the world. I built a life for myself.

 

I also like to think of life in terms of seasons. I've lived long enough to know that things come and go from your life. Things change. Your season with this man has passed. You are now in the season where you need to focus on yourself. And hopefully, if you get right with yourself, someone will come along and you will enjoy a new and wonderful season with that person.

 

I will say, I now have a partner and I'm very happy with him. But, I do not have as much time to spend with family and friends, or doing the things that I love to do. I miss both, very much. Nothing is ever perfect in this life.

 

If you are spending your life obsessing about this man, you don't have any space in your life to develop other relationships, to date, or to do the things that bring you joy. No wonder you are depressed... You really do need to get right with yourself. Continue with your counsellor. But know, you will never find your way out of the darkness if he is still in your life. Never. He needs to be GONE before you can even begin to find something new and wonderful.

Edited May 21, 2018 by BaileyB

[CrushingHope]

I have amazing friendships. I always have. And I value them greatly. I know that speaks a lot for myself as a person. But when I sit here alone crying for what could have been with him and for the life I really thought I wanted, I can't help but devalue everything else in my life. Those other friends are doing their own thing, most of them with their own relationships and children. I can't help but feel like a complete failure.

 

I am very close to my Dad and I just got off the phone with him. I tried to hide how I'm feeling because I don't want to worry him. I didn't tell him I had anything to do with this guy again this time, until after it ended again. I still haven't shared the details because I know he worries. I'm heading over there now to spend some time with him.

 

But I just sit here on the couch crying. 2 years of this. Very low lows. The lowest of my life. And to still feel like I want that person. I don't want to want him anymore. I don't want to care about him anymore.

[BaileyB]

I can appreciate how you want to find someone with whom you can share your life, but why are you giving a man so much power to determine your happiness? Why are you letting your relationship status determine your self worth and your happiness?

 

Some people find a love that lasts a lifetime. Some people find love for a few years. Some people never find love. To focus on what you don’t have, something for which you have little or no control, is a definite way to be unhappy.

 

I’ve been where you are... I have felt these feelings of sadness, loss, and grief. I’ve cried to my parents. I’ve cried to my friends. And then I decided - enough. I was not going to waste my life feeling sad, depressed, and miserable... you only get one life - how will you chose to spend it?

 

The way to find happiness is to find a way to bloom where you are planted.

[CrushingHope]

I don't know how to... I don't know what it actually means. In terms of action.

[BluEyeL]

I got married at 45. The more you delay ending this in your head , moving on, healing and looking for your true love, the more you delay your happiness.

[BaileyB]

I don't know how to... I don't know what it actually means. In terms of action.

 

And that, is what you should be talking about at therapy... solution focused coaching. What is it that you want for YOUR life, and how do you go about finding it...

[CrushingHope]

I got married at 45. The more you delay ending this in your head , moving on, healing and looking for your true love, the more you delay your happiness.

 

Yes. I often try to tell myself this. I guess I just don't believe it so I just keep holding on to the potential with him. But I know he's not right for me...I'm guessing that even if I finally got him 100%, he wouldn't be able to live up to the fantasy I have created him to be in my head, and I would likely end it with him. I think that's part of the reason I didn't let him move in with me....even though it "seemed" that he was ready to leave her, I wasn't convinced that he was the one for me and I didn't want him to move in just yet.

[CrushingHope]

And that, is what you should be talking about at therapy... solution focused coaching. What is it that you want for YOUR life, and how do you go about finding it...

 

My counsellor has been trying to work on this but with him coming back into, and out, of my life, a lot of the focus has been on the acute pain from that situation.

 

I just keep missing him. Everything I see reminds me of him in the tiniest way. It's torture just to go out and do anything. It feels impossible to get over this. It really does.

[BaileyB]

My counsellor has been trying to work on this but with him coming back into, and out, of my life, a lot of the focus has been on the acute pain from that situation.

 

I just keep missing him. Everything I see reminds me of him in the tiniest way. It's torture just to go out and do anything. It feels impossible to get over this. It really does.

 

But you continue to let him come and go from your life. Do you understand that this is a choice that you are making? If this is causing you acute pain, then make a different decision. Block him and don't let him back into your life.

 

You talk about the fact that he comes and goes from your life like it is something inevitable, something that you can not control... that somehow you are the victim in this situation. You are causing your own pain at this point. The truth is - he may come and go from your life, but only because YOU allow it.

Edited May 21, 2018 by BaileyB

[CrushingHope]

I know I allow it. I know I let him back in. I do it because every time, I am convinced that he can't possibly go back to her again after all this and that he must really mean it this time, and he must finally be ready to give us the chance that I've wanted.

 

I know that's naive. And pathetic. But that's what it is. I don't want to be in pain anymore, but my heart still wants him and believes that we could be good together even though my brain says otherwise.

 

I do not want to feel this way. I don't want to want him anymore.

 

But he's gone now. I just have to try to move on. I know it's what's best for me. I do know that deeply on some level.