From GF to OW

[BaileyB]

A quote to consider... "You have got to train your mind to be stronger than your emotions or you will lose yourself every time."

 

Good luck to you.

[CrushingHope]

Thank you.

 

I know I'll get there. And it might seem that I don't hear what everyone is saying, but I do. I just talk/write whatever is in my head because I have nothing else to do with the thoughts swirling around in here.

 

And I read and re-read these posts and the advice, and many other threads too to just hope that all the advice sinks in and that I'll be able to move past this.

 

I know I will eventually. I have been through heartache before...maybe not quite to this degree because of the dysfunction of it all, but I know I will eventually wonder why I wasted so much energy on him.

[Bittersweetie]

There's that quote: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

 

I'm not saying you're insane, but look at your actions: you've now done the same thing a few times (accepted him back) and the same outcome has happened (he went back to her). So instead of thinking this time he may really mean it, look at actual past actions.

 

It's up to you to make a different choice. You can do it! Picture yourself as strong rather than naive or pathetic. You are a strong warrior who is taking control of your situation.

[CrushingHope]

I have used that exact quote to him to describe his situation. And he agreed, just like I'm agreeing with you.

It really is insane. I feel actually a little insane for real because I know he's not good enough for me. It's not like I am suggesting or believing that he truly is. I know he's not!

 

But my fear is lying to me. My fear of never finding anyone else is convincing me that anything he offers is better than nothing. And it keeps me hoping. And the hope is what I cling to.

 

Everyone says "he's made a choice", but he did that before too. So now not only are his words temporary, his actions are too. But I need to not focus on it. Accept what is right now which is that he's gone. And I have to try to live with that.

[Zahara]

Everyone says "he's made a choice", but he did that before too. So now not only are his words temporary, his actions are too. But I need to not focus on it. Accept what is right now which is that he's gone. And I have to try to live with that.

 

Accept that it is over and you want it to be over. You need to make the decision that it is done and YOU want nothing to do with him anymore. A decision to move on and to leave this behind, even if/when he comes sniffing around.

 

YOU have to make it permanent.

[CrushingHope]

I know you're right. I really do. I don't want to let the idea of him go. To me it's like accepting there will never be love in my life again. I know that's my fear talking. I know I just have to choose better for myself. I know I'm a good person and have so much to offer. I can't keep doing this to myself.

[Zahara]

I know you're right. I really do. I don't want to let the idea of him go. To me it's like accepting there will never be love in my life again. I know that's my fear talking. I know I just have to choose better for myself. I know I'm a good person and have so much to offer. I can't keep doing this to myself.

 

There was never love to begin with when it came to this man. You had moments of emotional highs but not love, in it's true and genuine sense. You had honeymoon euphoria. You spent two years chasing something that was never there. And you're still waiting for it and hoping this man can give it to you.

 

He isn't capable of love and he can never give it to you.

 

I think the fear or being alone becomes manageable/tolerable when you have a higher sense of esteem. You may think about it and want it but it's not a "fear" and it doesn't become the center of your life. The reason why you cling to this fear so much and find yourself crippled is because of your own internal voids. Nothing changes until you fix it.

Edited May 22, 2018 by Zahara

[CrushingHope]

I guess I would have to agree that he isn't likely capable of truly loving someone. I don't think he loves her and certainly doesn't love his children the way most do. Hard to understand why I think he would be capable of it with me. I guess I feel he never really had anyone care for him like me. And I was hoping that was enough.

 

Does anyone really truly change their self esteem? Especially at my age? After having such a deep dislike for myself for so long, I can't see how I could ever change that. Sure I can tell myself wonderful things that sound good every day... But could I ever actually believe them? How do you get someone to believe in God if they don't and never have?

[Zahara]

I guess I would have to agree that he isn't likely capable of truly loving someone. I don't think he loves her and certainly doesn't love his children the way most do. Hard to understand why I think he would be capable of it with me. I guess I feel he never really had anyone care for him like me. And I was hoping that was enough.

 

I think women who stay in these bad relationships, and something I've done as well is believing that if we care and love a broken man, he will be fixed and he will love us back. Unfortunately, it's not true. You can't love a man out of his dysfunction.

 

I dated a man like him. He couldn't show love towards his children. But I thought if I showered him with love and care, he would change. Instead, he took advantage of it and tore at my sense of self. The reason why he sticks to that woman is because they feed off and gravitate to each other's dysfunction and that is what is familiar to them.

 

Does anyone really truly change their self esteem? Especially at my age? After having such a deep dislike for myself for so long, I can't see how I could ever change that. Sure I can tell myself wonderful things that sound good every day... But could I ever actually believe them? How do you get someone to believe in God if they don't and never have?

 

Rebuilding your self-esteem doesn't take a turn because you tell yourself wonderful things everyday. It took a few years of consistent therapy, stepping out of my comfort zone, setting goals/challenges and trying to accomplish them, practicing eliminating the negative self-talk, taking care of myself (exercising and yoga), etc. -- slowly cultivating a relationship with myself. Starting that journey of going at it alone was the most difficult step. My life before was all about chasing love and revolving around a man/relationship. I had to turn the focus solely on me.

 

I don't know about God but you know YOU exist. You have one life and if you don't want to believe in yourself, then nobody can make you do it.

 

I think you should invest your time with your therapist working on yourself and quit talking about this man. You have a deeper root here and it has nothing to do with this man. The longer you keep focusing on him, the longer you take the focus off yourself.

Edited May 22, 2018 by Zahara

[CrushingHope]

I think it's taken me a really long time to accept him as a broken man. Even when he's said "I'm a mess" several times as the reason he goes back to her. I still only wanted to see her as the broken one and him as her saviour. But I know now that he too is broken, as am I, in one way or another. Maybe in the same way. I don't know. I know I have had far too much compassion for him and not enough for myself.

 

Zahara, your story helps me and inspires me more than you know. I am so glad you came out on the other side of things and that you're here helping other people. You are nonjudgmental and kind and you actually say things that are helpful and intelligent. I appreciate you so very much.

 

I'm crying again. I want to have a better life. I want to want more for myself. I have not been one to jump from man to man desperately trying to find someone to complete me or anything. I have lived a mostly single life. But when I meet someone who wants to wrap his arms around me, hold my hand, do nice things for me, enjoy the little pleasures in life with me, I want to hold on for dear life because I don't have it often. And I forgive too much and too easily and accept treatment that I don't deserve.

 

My counsellor does see that the root of the problem is my self-worth. She is working on helping me with that. Sadly, I will have to find a replacement, as my last session with her is Thursday.

[Bittersweetie]

Does anyone really truly change their self esteem? Especially at my age? After having such a deep dislike for myself for so long, I can't see how I could ever change that. Sure I can tell myself wonderful things that sound good every day... But could I ever actually believe them? How do you get someone to believe in God if they don't and never have?

 

At the end of my A, and in the aftermath of my d-day, my self-esteem was at the lowest point (I was 38 I think). I mean, here I was, someone who slept with another guy and betrayed my husband, a person who didn't deserve that. I hurt innocent people and was selfish and self-centered. Who did I think I was? I was horrible and worthless.

 

I think two things helped me rebuild my self-esteem along with counseling. One, I read a lot of books about confidence and self-esteem. None of them were specifically "the answer" but I would learn a nugget of something from each one that I could apply to myself and think about. The nuggets grew and I grew too.

 

The second thing was rebuilding my own personal integrity. This wasn't something anyone else could do...I destroyed my integrity, and I had to build it back up. One way I did it was going no contact. After d-day I wanted to reach out only for a means of escape from what I'd done to my life...but I held and each day became easier and easier. Another way was I cared for my H who was the one most hurt by my actions. I know you don't have a spouse, but maybe instead care for yourself. Listen to the pain, the anger, the hurt, and then say "I love you."

 

As time went on, and I stuck to my NC, and rebuilt my relationship with my H, my self esteem did grow. TBH I feel more confident now at 46 than I ever have. That does not mean my life is perfect...far from it! But I feel better prepared to deal with what life throws my way in a healthy manner. When issues arise I don't automatically go to a "I suck" place...I go to the "how can I fix this" place. Does that make sense?

 

It's not something that happens overnight, and it takes work and facing things that maybe one doesn't want to face. But, to me, it was worth it. I think it could be worth it to you.

 

Sorry for the long post...I hope it's helped a little.

[Zahara]

I'm crying again. I want to have a better life. I want to want more for myself. I have not been one to jump from man to man desperately trying to find someone to complete me or anything. I have lived a mostly single life. But when I meet someone who wants to wrap his arms around me, hold my hand, do nice things for me, enjoy the little pleasures in life with me, I want to hold on for dear life because I don't have it often. And I forgive too much and too easily and accept treatment that I don't deserve.

 

I wasn't jumping from man to man but when a man appeared, I let myself go. I've had 6 relationships in my life and only one in my twenties that was good. The rest tore me to shreds. I didn't have a boundary or value system. My standards were non-existent. I was co-dependent. My needs and wants came secondary to those men. And even when it was bad, I hung on because I was too afraid to be alone. I would cling even when my brain would be screaming for me to leave. I tolerated poor treatment just to have someone, who would once in awhile show me some form of love. Starving. So, I know how you feel. I've been where you are and that can change, if you want to find a new path.

 

My counsellor does see that the root of the problem is my self-worth. She is working on helping me with that. Sadly, I will have to find a replacement, as my last session with her is Thursday.

 

Find a replacement and find one that works for you. He/she has to be a good fit for you. My therapist was interactive and that was a big plus for me. She challenged me, gave me assignments, etc. She was a ball buster and I liked her style. And there were those that just sat there an took notes and threw a few questions at you.

[CrushingHope]

Thank you for sharing that, BitterSweetie. It has helped.

 

You have me thinking about small things I can do to start. I feel like I have exhausted my close friends (who have been amazingly supportive and wonderful) with this conversation and maybe right now I can choose to stop talking about him. Every time I talk about him, it feeds into this obsession/addiction. Even though I'm not ready to block him from my phone etc, I can make the commitment to not talking to my friends about him. I can come here to talk and vent. I don't have to put strain on my friendships by worrying them any more.

 

I would also like to find something to do that's out of my comfort zone. I don't know what that is yet, but it's something I've been thinking about today.

 

I have an interview tomorrow. It's a job that I have no business even asking for (as I have no experience whatsoever), but it has become available on my team (which i've only been on since Jan) and I've asked my boss to consider me. He hemmed and hawed at first and then said "let him think about it". Then he emailed me a few days later inviting me for an interview with another colleague who I would be partnered with. In some ways, I have huge amounts of confidence. I have asked for, and gotten, jobs that I had absolutely no experience in, and I excelled. If I get this one tomorrow, it will help me feel at least a little better about my life in some way.

[CrushingHope]

I wasn't jumping from man to man but when a man appeared, I let myself go. I've had 6 relationships in my life and only one in my twenties that was good. The rest tore me to shreds. I didn't have a boundary or value system. My standards were non-existent. I was co-dependent. My needs and wants came secondary to those men. And even when it was bad, I hung on because I was too afraid to be alone. I would cling even when my brain would be screaming for me to leave. I tolerated poor treatment just to have someone, who would once in awhile show me some form of love. Starving. So, I know how you feel. I've been where you are and that can change, if you want to find a new path.

 

 

 

Find a replacement and find one that works for you. He/she has to be a good fit for you. My therapist was interactive and that was a big plus for me. She challenged me, gave me assignments, etc. She was a ball buster and I liked her style. And there were those that just sat there an took notes and threw a few questions at you.

 

 

Wow. Our experiences are very, very similar. I, too, have had about 6 or 7 relationships and only one was good. One had the potential to be amazing, but I was too hung up on someone else (not a good guy to me at the time) to really let that relationship flourish and I broke his heart more than once. To me, he was really the one that I let get away.

 

My therapist is very interactive too and I really like that - she, too, gives me homework and makes me keep my word on things. She's wonderful. Unfortunately she is not covered by my work's benefits for more than 8 sessions, so I will find someone else. I've only had luck with 2 ever and the other one is in Australia, so I hope I can find someone here.

 

I don't want to go through this again. Not like this. Ever again. It would honestly probably kill me.

[CrushingHope]

Just having a hard day. I'm writing here instead of texting him for answers or to try to see what's happening over there.

I want to know. I want to hear that they're no happier than they ever have been. But it won't help me.

 

I don't think I got the job I interviewed for. I really needed it. For so many reasons.

 

How do you keep going? How do you wake up every day and carry on in such deep heartache? I feel like nothing matters. Like I'm just a piece of flesh walking around aimlessly waiting to feel better. And I never do.

[Zahara]

How do you keep going? How do you wake up every day and carry on in such deep heartache? I feel like nothing matters. Like I'm just a piece of flesh walking around aimlessly waiting to feel better. And I never do.

 

You're grieving. You're mourning the death of your hopes and expectations. It's normal and you have to embrace those feelings. Don't run away from them but use those emotions for self-reflection.

 

The reason why you haven't been able to heal or feel better is because you allowed this man to come in and out of your life. You've been taking steps back rather than progressing, and that's because you have never given yourself a chance to reclaim your life.

 

You want to feel better but you choose to drink poison. You can't have it both ways. You either go cold turkey barrel through the pain and get to the other side or you stay in pain indefinitely.

 

Have you blocked him from your phone/email/social media? Or are those windows still open just incase he wants to peek in?

[Minneloa]

Hi CH,

 

I am sorry you are hurting today. I agree with Zahara that blocking him on all platforms, as well as requesting to not hear household updates from your friend, are absolutely essential steps towards healing.

 

There was a poster here on LS who stayed stuck for many years following her breakup. She would ruminate endlessly about the breakup and its aftermath to the point of quoting entire past conversations years after the fact. I attribute a lot of her extended suffering to her decision to keep him on FB and *check his page several times every day*. When asked about this choice, she became very defensive and claimed that it was a minor matter, yet when this man finally unfriended her, she had a meltdown. I offer this story as a cautionary tale of the dangers of keeping doors open to exes, which can significantly prolong your healing process.

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

[CrushingHope]

I blocked him on FB and then I unblocked him. I just keep doing that. I know I am standing in my own way of healing. I have no one to blame now but me. I have convinced myself that he is the answer to my pain and that seeing that they're still not friends on FB shows me that they're not doing much better which makes me feel somewhat better.

 

I know it's me. I want my wants to change. I want to not want him or any of this anymore. I don't want to feel f*ING crazy anymore.

 

I just want to enjoy my life again. I can't stop crying. And I don't even know what I like about him anymore.

 

I want to be chosen so badly by someone who is not a good person. This is actually sick. And I can't do it anymore. But I can't seem to make myself stop. I feel so completely out of control and like such a loser and so far gone. And it's not even about him. I know it's not.

[Zahara]

Maybe one day the pain of walking away will be far more tolerable than the pain of staying. It seems like that's the only way you're going to reach acceptance and move on.

[BaileyB]

Call a Counsellor. Make another appointment.

 

And, go and talk to your doctor about medication for what seems to be, a pretty significant depression.

 

Hugs to you. I know it is a dark place for you right now. I’m just not sure what else to say... you are the source of your own pain. I hope you can find some support and move forward with your life.

[lovely81]

CrushingHope,

 

I think I wrote once before in your thread.

 

I really relate to your story.

 

As far as the pain, I think you just learn to be with it and be kind to yourself.

You have to give yourself the warmth and support that you look for from men. (Later, I realized I was looking for it from literally everyone who crossed paths with me.)

 

Things that have helped me--positive friends (the ones who are present for you and you can be vulnerable with and who you feel yourself around), writing, focusing on me, exercise, good selftalk, Byron Katie, Melanie Tonia Evans.

 

Oh, one thing I've learned is that the situations with men I was attracting were really reflecting what was going on inside me. So, while, I claimed to be loving and full of integrity, it was more like I was good at acting that way--as long as I got something back. I was performing and attracting performers.

 

I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

 

Also, I can be terrible with social media. It is an addiction to me. I have found sometimes in my recovery I'll almost white knuckle my way with banning social media and then check and feel awful about myself. To my mind, it's a symptom and not the root cause.

 

@Zahara and @Bailey--I really appreciate your wisdom and clarity.

[CrushingHope]

Call a Counsellor. Make another appointment.

 

And, go and talk to your doctor about medication for what seems to be, a pretty significant depression.

 

Hugs to you. I know it is a dark place for you right now. I’m just not sure what else to say... you are the source of your own pain. I hope you can find some support and move forward with your life.

 

I have an appointment today.

 

I'm not going to try medication yet. I know I sound beyond depressed to a lot of people but I'm not sure that medication is something I'm willing to go to. Maybe I will need to eventually. I am just very closed to it for now.

 

I do believe that eventually I will be ok. I just have to be without him for long enough to start healing.

[CrushingHope]

CrushingHope,

 

I think I wrote once before in your thread.

 

I really relate to your story.

 

As far as the pain, I think you just learn to be with it and be kind to yourself.

You have to give yourself the warmth and support that you look for from men. (Later, I realized I was looking for it from literally everyone who crossed paths with me.)

 

Things that have helped me--positive friends (the ones who are present for you and you can be vulnerable with and who you feel yourself around), writing, focusing on me, exercise, good selftalk, Byron Katie, Melanie Tonia Evans.

 

Oh, one thing I've learned is that the situations with men I was attracting were really reflecting what was going on inside me. So, while, I claimed to be loving and full of integrity, it was more like I was good at acting that way--as long as I got something back. I was performing and attracting performers.

 

I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

 

Also, I can be terrible with social media. It is an addiction to me. I have found sometimes in my recovery I'll almost white knuckle my way with banning social media and then check and feel awful about myself. To my mind, it's a symptom and not the root cause.

 

@Zahara and @Bailey--I really appreciate your wisdom and clarity.

 

 

 

Thank you lovely. There is definitely a lot going on here and why this situation has hurt me so much and why I continue to let it. I am exploring that with counselling.

 

I come here when things are really bad because I don't want to burden anyone else with my emotions. I don't say much here when I'm feeling ok in the moment, which does happen too. I'm not this devastated every second of the day. But getting through those moments is very tough.

 

I appreciate your kindness and advice. I will look up those people you mentioned. Thank you.

[Zahara]

I do believe that eventually I will be ok. I just have to be without him for long enough to start healing.

 

You will eventually be well by being away from him but only if you block him from contacting you and implementing strict No Contact. The truth of the matter is that he will at some point return and he will leave. This is what you have taught him to do and this is what he will continue to do. It is a toxic pattern that will prevail until someone severs it completely.

 

If you don't take precautionary steps to protect yourself from that possibility, you will never be able to reach a point of healing and moving on.

 

If you want to believe you will be well, then you have to be proactive and self-preserve -- do the work.

 

I know it is hard but you have to garner some self-discipline.

[CrushingHope]

I'm trying to ask myself why it's so hard to do this. I have blocked and deleted idiots from my life previously quite easily. He is harder.

 

I want to believe my thoughts of him to be real. That he can't be as bad a person as all of this makes him appear to be. Why would anyone want to treat me this way unless they were just messed or actually mentally unwell. And maybe he is.

 

I have to just accept that he's not a good person...no one actually really likes him. He's not a prize. And this gf of his is a complete mess... If she was lovely and normal I would have reason to believe he could be too. But he's not. I just need to let that sink in and not remember all the nice things he did or said. Those can't outweigh this.

 

I honestly don't think he'll be back. If I did, that would somehow make me feel better while I'm in this state. But I know it's better for me if he doesn't. And ultimately I know I need to be the one to stop it regardless. I want to get there.