From GF to OW

[BaileyB]

 

I am definitely lonely. Don't you feel there's really only a very small percentage of people who are actually happy alone? Most people aren't ever in the situation where they have to be and of those who are, I would guess it's only a very few who are okay with that.

 

I miss my old life...I had a handful of amazing friends and I was always doing something. They are still my friends but we are all over the country now...and where most of them are now married and have kids, I'm the last single one and it feels like that's never ever going to change I will continue to feel left out and not good enough.

 

No, I do not believe that a very small percentage of people are actually happy being alone. When I was single, I was lonely at times but I was never unhappy to be alone. There is a great quote - “One is never truly lonely if they are great company.” I worked hard to be great company for myself, and I was never unhappy to spend time alone.

 

And look, I have great friends who have moved all over the country. At times, I miss them and I miss the good times we had when we were closer. And, I was the last single one. I felt left out at times and sometimes not good enough.

 

I’m now in a relationship and you know what has been eye opening for me - how little other people care. Some of my friends have not even bothered to meet him... we go to movies and lunch, our relationship is good and they are happy for me but they have their own lives...

 

I would suggest, with kindness, that you need to stop the pity party. Put your time and effort into finding your joy, expanding your social circle, and thinking about what would make you happy in your life. Perhaps it will include a man, perhaps it will not. The key is, to be happy either way...

[BaileyB]

I don't know how to change what I think. How does anyone actually do that?.

 

Well, I hope you are working at it with your Counsellor. It’s called cognitive behavioural therapy.

 

And perhaps, with medication.

[Zahara]

Is there no possibility that he will finally see the light? Don't people ever?

 

CH, he is a broken man. In order to change he first needs to have the self-awareness and the want to change. He’s been in a toxic relationship 10 years and he’s still there. What light do you think he’ll see? By the time he likely sees light, you’d have moved on far into a different stage of your life.

 

I feel uncomfortable every minute of every day. I feel like I guess I don't want to change more than I want him in my life. And I don't know how to get there. I know it's what I need. And I know I WANT to WANT different. But I don't seem to and haven't gotten there yet.

 

You’re still hoping for him and until you let go, nothing changes.

 

 

 

 

I am definitely lonely. Don't you feel there's really only a very small percentage of people who are actually happy alone? Most people aren't ever in the situation where they have to be and of those who are, I would guess it's only a very few who are okay with that.

 

I was always lonely. Then I was alone. I did not get there overnight. These types of thoughts are defeatist and limiting. Who cares what the percentage is — what do you want for yourself?

 

I miss my old life...I had a handful of amazing friends and I was always doing something. They are still my friends but we are all over the country now...and where most of them are now married and have kids, I'm the last single one and it feels like that's never ever going to change I will continue to feel left out and not good enough.

 

If you believe that then you will be that. It’s a choice. Self-victimization is your enemy.

Edited June 9, 2018 by Zahara

[CrushingHope]

CH, he is a broken man. In order to change he first needs to have the self-awareness and the want to change. He’s been in a toxic relationship 10 years and he’s still there. What light do you think he’ll see? By the time he likely sees light, you’d have moved on far into a different stage of your life.

 

You’re still hoping for him and until you let go, nothing changes.

 

I was always lonely. Then I was alone. I did not get there overnight. These types of thoughts are defeatist and limiting. Who cares what the percentage is — what do you want for yourself?

 

If you believe that then you will be that. It’s a choice. Self-victimization is your enemy.

 

I want to feel better. I want a better life and a better image of myself. And yes, I want a partner and a healthy relationship where I don't feel like the man is going to leave at any given second.

 

These are things I've wanted for years and years and it's never happened, so I take what I get I guess.

 

I don't want to be in a pity party. I don't want to feel sorry for myself.

 

The way I have been talking here, I can see that I don't come across like a great catch. Deep inside, I know I have a lot to offer someone. But it seems that it's becoming less and less.

[BaileyB]

I want to feel better. I want a better life and a better image of myself. And yes, I want a partner and a healthy relationship where I don't feel like the man is going to leave at any given second.

 

These are things I've wanted for years and years and it's never happened, so I take what I get I guess.

 

I don't want to be in a pity party. I don't want to feel sorry for myself.

 

The way I have been talking here, I can see that I don't come across like a great catch. Deep inside, I know I have a lot to offer someone. But it seems that it's becoming less and less.

 

Do you not see the defeatist and self defeating statements?

 

"I've wanted a partner for years and years... But, it's never happened so I guess I will take what I can get."

 

"I know I have a lot to offer someone. But it seems like it is becoming less and less..."

 

My friend. I know without a doubt that you are a great catch and that you have a lot to offer someone. The person who doesn't believe that is you. Because, if you did you wouldn't be settling for whatever you can get.

 

Until you believe that you are a great catch and that you have a lot to offer, you will continue to be unhappy and settle for less than you deserve.

[CrushingHope]

Do you not see the defeatist and self defeating statements?

 

"I've wanted a partner for years and years... But, it's never happened so I guess I will take what I can get."

 

"I know I have a lot to offer someone. But it seems like it is becoming less and less..."

 

My friend. I know without a doubt that you are a great catch and that you have a lot to offer someone. The person who doesn't believe that is you. Because, if you did you wouldn't be settling for whatever you can get.

 

Until you believe that you are a great catch and that you have a lot to offer, you will continue to be unhappy and settle for less than you deserve.

 

I guess in certain ways I believe I am a good catch and I have a lot to offer. My sense of humour is what makes me popular with people and I am a very caring and compassionate person. The problem is that I don't believe I am physically attractive enough anymore to allow someone to get to know me. My face has always been my saviour, as I've always struggled with weight, but at 43 my face is failing and the depression I've been in hasn't helped either.

 

He always made me feel so beautiful and attractive and always put me on this pedestal that made me feel so great about myself. I crave that feeling so much and don't know how to get it myself.

 

Have either of you struggled with those issues? If so, how did you deal with them?

[BaileyB]

I guess in certain ways I believe I am a good catch and I have a lot to offer. My sense of humour is what makes me popular with people and I am a very caring and compassionate person.

 

Yeah but... now let me tell you how I really feel...

 

The problem is that I don't believe I am physically attractive enough anymore to allow someone to get to know me. My face has always been my saviour, as I've always struggled with weight, but at 43 my face is failing and the depression I've been in hasn't helped either.

 

There are those self defeating thoughts...

 

He always made me feel so beautiful and attractive and always put me on this pedestal that made me feel so great about myself. I crave that feeling so much and don't know how to get it myself.

 

Have either of you struggled with those issues? If so, how did you deal with them?

 

My friend, I just turned 44 years old. I have a crooked nose, curly hair that on a humid day looks like Monica from that Friends episode in Barbados, and a few extra pounds that I am always trying to lose... Of course, I've struggled with those issues. Sure, I don't always feel great about myself - I am prone to insecurity like everyone else... I try to do the best with what I have to work with but otherwise, I try to let it go... If I feel good about myself it is because I give that to myself. It's not because of anything my boyfriend has said or done.

 

My boyfriend definitely does not put me on a pedestal. I know that he loves me dearly and he finds me attractive, but he does not offer compliments often.

 

I was most proud of a card that he gave me for my birthday. He told me when he read it, the card described me perfectly. It reads: "Happy birthday to a beautiful person. Some people have a happiness about them - they sparkle in a very special way. They have a flair for adding something lovely to the ordinary moments of every day. Some people radiate a sunny feeling - by filling hearts with laughter, love, and giving. That's what you do, for everyone who knows you, because you add such joy to life."

 

Now that, is a compliment that I would want to receive, more than any comment about my appearance. In fact, I spent a lot of money on a new dress and got all dressed up last weekend... and the compliment I got was "you look nice." Gee - thanks. I guess.

 

My point is - happiness, self worth, and confidence come from within. Not because a man validates your physical appearance or puts you on some imaginary pedestal.

 

Although, when you put the effort in to look good, it's certainly nice when they notice...

Edited June 9, 2018 by BaileyB

[CrushingHope]

Yeah but... now let me tell you how I really feel...

 

 

 

There are those self defeating thoughts...

 

 

 

My friend, I just turned 44 years old. I have a crooked nose, curly hair that on a humid day looks like Monica from that Friends episode in Barbados, and a few extra pounds that I am always trying to lose... Of course, I've struggled with those issues. Sure, I don't always feel great about myself - I am prone to the insecurity like everyone else... I try to do the best with what I have to work with but otherwise, I try to let it go... If I feel good about myself it is because I give that to myself. It's not because of anything my boyfriend has said or done. And, I have learned that my physical appearance does not reflect or affect my happiness in any way...

 

My boyfriend definitely does not put me on a pedestal. I know that he loves me dearly and he finds me attractive, but he does not offer compliments often. In fact, he has demonstrated on many occasions that he doesn't even notice my appearance.

 

I was most proud of a card that he gave me for my birthday. He told me when he read it, the card described me perfectly. It reads: "Happy birthday to a beautiful person. Some people have a happiness about them - they sparkle in a very special way. They have a flair for adding something lovely to the ordinary moments of every day. Some people radiate a sunny feeling - by filling hearts with laughter, love, and giving. That's what you do, for everyone who knows you, because you add such joy to life."

 

Now that, is a compliment that I would want to receive, more than any comment about my appearance. In fact, I spent a lot of money on a new dress and got all dressed up last weekend... and the compliment I got was "you look nice." Gee - thanks. I guess.

 

My point is - happiness, self worth, and confidence come from within. Not because a man validates your physical appearance or puts you on some imaginary pedestal.

 

Although, when you put the effort in to look good, it's certainly nice when they notice...

 

I must agree with your bf...you are a lovely person, even just the little I've been privileged to experience.

 

He gave me compliments about everything, not just my looks. His favourite thing about me was my wit and intelligence and the fact that I care about the world around me. He always said my looks were just a bonus. Everything he said made me feel good about myself...and the affection he showed me, how he always wanted to be touching me, holding my hand, playing with my hair, playful with me in public, always staring at me...just made me feel so desirable.

 

I do feel good about the person I am on the inside. But I struggle with my outside and I don't know how to change my thoughts on that. I've tried for many years to see myself as others see me, but I just can't seem to do it.

 

What I fear is that (most) men are visual beings. They are attracted to the outside first which then makes them want to get to know someone more. Sure there are guys who are not like that, but I would guess not too many. This man took the time to get to know me. And we clicked and that's been so few and far between that I hang on so tightly.

 

I know where a lot of my issues stem from. I just can't seem to change the way I am.

[BaileyB]

He gave me compliments about everything, not just my looks. His favourite thing about me was my wit and intelligence and the fact that I care about the world around me. He always said my looks were just a bonus. Everything he said made me feel good about myself...and the affection he showed me, how he always wanted to be touching me, holding my hand, playing with my hair, playful with me in public, always staring at me...just made me feel so desirable.

 

Well, at least this man had some good sense. Not much, but some.

 

It is nice to feel loved by a man. But, it's not reason enough to stay in an unhealthy relationship...

 

I do feel good about the person I am on the inside. But I struggle with my outside and I don't know how to change my thoughts on that. I've tried for many years to see myself as others see me, but I just can't seem to do it.

 

I know where a lot of my issues stem from. I just can't seem to change the way I am.

 

Of course, you can change the way you are. It is the only thing in life that you can control.

 

You must find a way to stop these self defeating thoughts and remember what makes you special.

[CrushingHope]

I know you're right.

 

I think being in this vicious circle has left me worse off than when I started...in terms of not liking myself. And I've completely lost real touch with what makes me unique.

 

I've been at my job since January. My coworker said the other day that I am his favourite coworker of all time. For him to say that about me while I'm at my worst made me feel good. I need to feel better about myself.

 

BaileyB, I hope you know how grateful I am for your frequent and helpful responses. You are non-judgemental and compassionate but also give me a lot to think about. You and Zahara have helped me so much. I have found myself wondering why you spend the time with me when clearly I have not changed at all yet...but I know your willingness to help me is more about you than me.

 

I sincerely hope that I will change and be proud of myself again one day.

Edited June 9, 2018 by CrushingHope

[BaileyB]

I know you're right.

 

I think being in this vicious circle has left me worse off than when I started...in terms of not liking myself. And I've completely lost real touch with what makes me unique.

 

I've been at my job since January. My coworker said the other day that I am his favourite coworker of all time. For him to say that about me while I'm at my worst made me feel good. I need to feel better about myself.

 

BaileyB, I hope I know how grateful I am for your frequent and helpful responses. You are non-judgemental and compassionate but also give me a lot to think about. You and Zahara have helped me so much. I have found myself wondering why you spend the time with me when clearly I have not changed at all yet...but I know your willingness to help me is more about you than me.

 

I sincerely hope that I will change and be proud of myself again one day.

 

Thank you, for your kindness.

 

I sincerely hope that you will be proud of yourself again one day too. Your story about your coworker breaks my heart, because he sees your value more than you do. Clearly, you are a good and special person.

 

The change begins and ends with you. It will not come from anything but you. Not a man. Not a job. Those accomplishments and compliments will be a bonus, when you truly love yourself.

[CrushingHope]

Thank you, for your kindness.

 

I sincerely hope that you will be proud of yourself again one day too. Your story about your coworker breaks my heart, because he sees your value more than you do. Clearly, you are a good and special person.

 

The change begins and ends with you. It will not come from anything but you. Not a man. Not a job. Those accomplishments and compliments will be a bonus, when you truly love yourself.

 

I find it very hard to understand how someone can go from how I'm feeling to loving themselves sincerely. But I guess all I can do is try.

[CrushingHope]

I find it very hard to understand how someone can go from how I'm feeling to loving themselves sincerely. But I guess all I can do is try.

 

Even though I'm here whinging away every other day or so, I do have moments where I'm my old self and able to laugh and be there for others during their rough moments. I hate that I give off this image that I'm like this every minute of every day, in terms of the way I present myself to others.

 

Yes, I feel this way underneath all the time, but I am able to put it to the side during the day at work or when someone needs me.

[CrushingHope]

Just when I think I can't get any worse...

 

Apparently, they are now engaged...

 

I'm shaking. I am so distraught with this news.

 

A month ago he left her. For the 10th time. And now she doesn't trust him because of me. So he proposed.

 

WTF.

 

I honestly don't even know how to process it.

 

I guess this is probably going to bring me to my rock bottom.

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry, I know you are upset but...

 

This is great news! He has made his choice. He may still attempt to come and go from your life but hopefully, you will remember this feeling and kick him to the curb if he does. He has chosen her - who cares why... don’t over analyze, just accept it.

 

May this be the push that you need to MOVE ON with your life.

[CrushingHope]

I’m sorry, I know you are upset but...

 

This is great news! He has made his choice. He may still attempt to come and go from your life but hopefully, you will remember this feeling and kick him to the curb if he does. He has chosen her - who cares why... don’t over analyze, just accept it.

 

May this be the push that you need to MOVE ON with your life.

 

this is not great news.

 

i'm devastated.

[BaileyB]

You do not think so now, but with time and different perspective you will see this as a gift.

[CrushingHope]

You do not think so now, but with time and different perspective you will see this as a gift.

 

I can't process this. He has left her so many times! He can't honestly believe this will fix them!

[BaileyB]

I can't process this. He has left her so many times! He can't honestly believe this will fix them!

 

Of course it won’t fix them. You know that. And I know that. But he has made his choice. If you didn’t believe that before when he continued to go back to her, believe it now.

 

Don’t worry about them. They can handle their own lives. Focus on you. He has chosen her - does that make you angry? Do you feel hurt? Are you sad because you have wasted all this time on a man who has chosen another woman. Hold onto those feelings in the coming days and use them to help you to move on with your life.

 

I’m sorry you are sad. I know that you wished it to be different. But, use this as your rock bottom and finally, leave him behind.

[CrushingHope]

Of course it won’t fix them. You know that. And I know that. But he has made his choice. If you didn’t believe that before when he continued to go back to her, believe it now.

 

Don’t worry about them. They can handle their own lives. Focus on you. He has chosen her - does that make you angry? Do you feel hurt? Are you sad because you have wasted all this time on a man who has chosen another woman. Hold onto those feelings in the coming days and use them to help you to move on with your life.

 

I’m sorry you are sad. I know that you wished it to be different. But, use this as your rock bottom and finally, leave him behind.

 

I'm sad. All kinds. I'm sad for me because I wanted to have a real chance with him. I'm sad for him because I know he's not happy there, regardless of what this engagement says. Even people commenting on it thought it was a joke. I'm sad because it's all I want, and he's giving it to someone far less desirable than me. I'm sad because she won him and i'm sitting here crying over someone so beneath me.

 

I'm sad because this makes me feel worse about myself than I already did. And that I will never get my happiness.

[BaileyB]

 

I'm sad because this makes me feel worse about myself than I already did. And that I will never get my happiness.

 

NO! Do not tell yourself this. Do not allow this man’s decision to affect your feelings about yourself!

 

You would not have found happiness with this man, that I know without a doubt. YOU are the winner here. She is left with a lying, philandering man in a toxic relationship. In no way has she won here.

 

YOU have bright things ahead in your future, now you can go find them! Just know, you will never find anything good in the future if you are always looking back...

[CrushingHope]

NO! Do not tell yourself this. Do not allow this man’s decision to affect your feelings about yourself!

 

You would not have found happiness with this man, that I know without a doubt. YOU are the winner here. She is left with a lying, philandering man in a toxic relationship. In no way has she won here.

 

YOU have bright things ahead in your future, now you can go find them! Just know, you will never find anything good in the future if you are always looking back...

 

I want to believe you.

 

I just feel like i'm actually not able to handle this or move on from him.

 

I feel so unlovable. If a man like HIM can't love me, how is a better man going to be able to?

 

How could he be here 4 weeks ago and now this?!?!?

[lana-banana]

I want to believe you.

 

I just feel like i'm actually not able to handle this or move on from him.

 

I feel so unlovable. If a man like HIM can't love me, how is a better man going to be able to?

 

How could he be here 4 weeks ago and now this?!?!?

 

Because what you thought was a torrid affair was an amusement to him. People who cheat this way are masters of compartmentalization. Sure, they promise you the moon and go on and on about how dreadful their SO is, but at the end of the day, that's their life. That's what they want, warts and all. They don't want you to replace that, just supplement it.

 

Think of it this way: no one put a gun to his head and forced him to propose. That's the choice he made. You finally have the closure you've been seeking this whole time; you know what he really wants for his future, and it isn't you. What else do you need to fully put this behind you?

[jah526]

Love triangles are always painful, except for the disordered people who enjoy creating them. They benefit from it as it's a massive ego stroke for them. You might try reframing the situation in this way. It's not necessarily him "choosing" her over you. It's him locking down one side of the triangle. Because you know eventually he'll come looking to secure the other side.

[CrushingHope]

Because what you thought was a torrid affair was an amusement to him. People who cheat this way are masters of compartmentalization. Sure, they promise you the moon and go on and on about how dreadful their SO is, but at the end of the day, that's their life. That's what they want, warts and all. They don't want you to replace that, just supplement it.

 

Think of it this way: no one put a gun to his head and forced him to propose. That's the choice he made. You finally have the closure you've been seeking this whole time; you know what he really wants for his future, and it isn't you. What else do you need to fully put this behind you?

 

I don't think this was amusement to him. I think he's exceptionally unhealthy and codependent. This engagement did not come from love, it came out of an act of desperation and codependency. Even people's reactions on fb were telling...no comments or "likes" from either of their kids, and people were making jokes about it- that someone must have hacked his fb, that they must be pulling everyone's legs etc. And the people were excited about it are all the other dysfunctional alcoholics her life. It's messed up.

 

And even more messed up that I want anything to do with this person. He has left her countless times, told me that he was worried that things were so bad there that he could actually kill her one day, and then in one of his impulse decisions, he proposes?!?!? I am just in so much disbelief of his actions.

 

I know it has very little to do with me...but I'm really struggling with not taking this personally. I've been crying all night.

 

It's like the universe just wants me to be miserable. How can it get worse.