Author CrushingHope Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 Love triangles are always painful, except for the disordered people who enjoy creating them. They benefit from it as it's a massive ego stroke for them. You might try reframing the situation in this way. It's not necessarily him "choosing" her over you. It's him locking down one side of the triangle. Because you know eventually he'll come looking to secure the other side. I highly doubt he will contact me again after this. He's engaged. After 9 years of sh*t. He has chosen where he wants to be. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 He told me that he was worried that things were so bad there that he could actually kill her one day. OMG! THIS is the man you want to spend your life with... It's like the universe just wants me to be miserable. How can it get any worse? If the universe wanted you to be miserable, he would have chosen you. This was the universe telling you to leave this man and do something different with your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 I highly doubt he will contact me again after this. He's engaged. He has chosen where he wants to be. He has chosen where he wants to be - for now. I fully expect that he will contact you again. The best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior. The question will be, will you let him into your life again? Or, have you had enough of this merry-go-round? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrushingHope Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 OMG! THIS is the man you want to spend your life with... If the universe wanted you to be miserable, he would have chosen you. This was the universe telling you to leave this man and do something different with your life. I don't think he meant he would actually kill her but was just trying to show how bad things are there. I can't seem to get the image of them being "happy" out of my head. If I think of him as miserable and unhappy, it makes it easier for me to feel unattracted to him. But when I think of him as happy and celebrating with her, it makes me want that version of him, because that's who he was with me. I know that sounds kind of insane. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 I wouldn't count on him NOT contacting you again. He hasn't magically got his head on straight now, getting engaged is just a new part of the game. But what he does is only your problem because you're letting it be. Believe me, I know, it's so hard and so painful, but you really have to figure out how to stop going around in endless circles. You really do deserve to be happy and loved by someone who only has eyes for you. I think maybe you should show your therapist this thread. I realize that you say you only post when you're feeling really low, but I have a feeling that you are presenting yourself as much more in control of things when you talk to the therapist. Maybe they don't have the complete picture in order to give you the level of help you need to be able to move through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 I don't think he meant he would actually kill her but was just trying to show how bad things are there. I can't seem to get the image of them being "happy" out of my head. If I think of him as miserable and unhappy, it makes it easier for me. I know, but still... What a stupid thing for a man to say. Why would you ever want to with a man who would even hint at such a possibility. Unacceptable. And no, I don't think they will ever be happy together. Again, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. There are two people who have no idea how to be in a healthy relationship... Their relationship is likely to be filled with conflict which makes it likely that he will have difficulty coping and come crawling back to your door someday... Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrushingHope Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 I wouldn't count on him NOT contacting you again. He hasn't magically got his head on straight now, getting engaged is just a new part of the game. But what he does is only your problem because you're letting it be. Believe me, I know, it's so hard and so painful, but you really have to figure out how to stop going around in endless circles. You really do deserve to be happy and loved by someone who only has eyes for you. I think maybe you should show your therapist this thread. I realize that you say you only post when you're feeling really low, but I have a feeling that you are presenting yourself as much more in control of things when you talk to the therapist. Maybe they don't have the complete picture in order to give you the level of help you need to be able to move through this. Yeah I guess that makes sense. I keep thinking that it means that everything is magically wonderful for them. But I guess that's probably not true. This engagement gives her a reason to trust him, so that he doesn't have to actually change any behaviours and neither does she...they just keep on living this fake life when really I know he's not "happy". He likely never will be. My therapist knows how devastated I am, but you're right, probably not to the true degree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrushingHope Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 I know, but still... What a stupid thing for a man to say. Why would you ever want to with a man who would even hint at such a possibility. Unacceptable. And no, I don't think they will ever be happy together. Again, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. There are two people who have no idea how to be in a healthy relationship... Their relationship is likely to be filled with conflict which makes it likely that he will have difficulty coping and come crawling back to your door someday... When he said that, I made a "wtf" face and he was like "I know that sounds dramatic..." and then kind of tried to take it back. I seem to be able to put aside all the terrible things about him and only focus on the good things because that's what I crave so much in my life. She was horrible with her late husband...kicked him out, begged for him back, etc etc etc...and he ended up on drugs and committing suicide at a time where he had left her for a while. She has always had terrible relationships, and so has he. You're right...he didn't know what to do with me. I was probably too boring for him because I didn't yell at him or call him names or kick him out. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 I don't think this was amusement to him. I think he's exceptionally unhealthy and codependent. This engagement did not come from love, it came out of an act of desperation and codependency. Even people's reactions on fb were telling...no comments or "likes" from either of their kids, and people were making jokes about it- that someone must have hacked his fb, that they must be pulling everyone's legs etc. And the people were excited about it are all the other dysfunctional alcoholics her life. It's messed up. And even more messed up that I want anything to do with this person. He has left her countless times, told me that he was worried that things were so bad there that he could actually kill her one day, and then in one of his impulse decisions, he proposes?!?!? I am just in so much disbelief of his actions. I know it has very little to do with me...but I'm really struggling with not taking this personally. I've been crying all night. It's like the universe just wants me to be miserable. How can it get worse. I really don't know how telling yourself false things to make you feel better now is going to help you face the truth of this situation so you can move on. Your thinking that he just proposed to her out of desperation and co-dependency is going to keep your brain thinking that he still somehow wants to be with you. He proposed because that is who he wants to marry and spend the rest of his life with. He didn't just propose to anybody. If you accept this fact you will be able to grieve and move on knowing that there is no more chance with this man. FB is all fake and you can't gage what is going on in people's life through that junk. We all get hurt in this life but we grieve, ACCEPT IT, and move on with the rest of our lives. Face the truth of the situation now so you can really start to heal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrushingHope Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 I really don't know how telling yourself false things to make you feel better now is going to help you face the truth of this situation so you can move on. Your thinking that he just proposed to her out of desperation and co-dependency is going to keep your brain thinking that he still somehow wants to be with you. He proposed because that is who he wants to marry and spend the rest of his life with. He didn't just propose to anybody. If you accept this fact you will be able to grieve and move on knowing that there is no more chance with this man. FB is all fake and you can't gage what is going on in people's life through that junk. We all get hurt in this life but we grieve, ACCEPT IT, and move on with the rest of our lives. Face the truth of the situation now so you can really start to heal. He is a man full of grand gestures. That's what he does. When he came back to me, he suggested we go get married. Of course I said no and just laughed. He also suggested that he get a reverse vasectomy so that I could have a kid with him if I wanted to. This is what he does to try to prove something. But there is no meat behind it. These gestures have no meaning behind them other than to get him what he thinks he wants at that given moment. There is no way I believe he has proposed because he's just so full of love for her and wants to spend the rest of his life together. They have been fighting about me, and he needed some way to "prove" to her that he is now trustworthy, rather than doing the work...because he's not. He could leave again at any given time. That is the truth of the situation. The engagement is just a bigger gesture because she has been devastated about finding out about me. And I'm sure she realizes all of this too but is happy to be winning the "prize" and being able to show the world that he "means it". I'm sorry, I don't buy it for a second. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 He is a man full of grand gestures. That's what he does. When he came back to me, he suggested we go get married. Of course I said no and just laughed. He also suggested that he get a reverse vasectomy so that I could have a kid with him if I wanted to. This is what he does to try to prove something. These gestures have no meaning behind them other than to get him what he thinks he wants at that given moment. There is no way I believe he has proposed because he's just so full of love for her and wants to spend the rest of his life together. They have been fighting about me, and he needed some way to "prove" to her that he is now trustworthy. He could leave again at any given time. That is the truth of the situation. The engagement is just a bigger gesture because she has been devastated about finding out about me. I'm sorry, I don't buy it for a second. It doesn't matter what you are buying... The fact is, he has proposed to this woman and they are getting married. Accept it. It doesn't matter why he proposed. It doesn't matter whether they are happy together or miserable. It is NONE of your business. It is their relationship. You are inserting yourself in a relationship where you do not belong and that is a definite way to ensure that you live a life of misery and unhappiness. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 It doesn't matter what you are buying... The fact is, he has proposed to this woman and they are getting married. Accept it. It doesn't matter why he proposed. It doesn't matter whether they are happy together or miserable. It is NONE of your business. It is their relationship. You are inserting yourself in a relationship where you do not belong and that is a definite way to ensure that you live a life of misery and unhappiness. Exactly this. CH, I know you are in shock, and I am sorry you are hurting. But all this focus on them is pointless. You need to focus on YOU, not speculate endlessly about their relationship and his psychopathology. Is is possible for you to speak to your counselor on the phone? M. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrushingHope Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 I don't know how to focus on myself. I don't know what it means. I have spent 2 years focusing on this and it's all I know. I have lost myself completely. And in this given moment, I don't know what to do to help myself. Right this second. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 He is a man full of grand gestures. That's what he does. When he came back to me, he suggested we go get married. Of course I said no and just laughed. He also suggested that he get a reverse vasectomy so that I could have a kid with him if I wanted to. This is what he does to try to prove something. But there is no meat behind it. These gestures have no meaning behind them other than to get him what he thinks he wants at that given moment. There is no way I believe he has proposed because he's just so full of love for her and wants to spend the rest of his life together. They have been fighting about me, and he needed some way to "prove" to her that he is now trustworthy, rather than doing the work...because he's not. He could leave again at any given time. That is the truth of the situation. The engagement is just a bigger gesture because she has been devastated about finding out about me. And I'm sure she realizes all of this too but is happy to be winning the "prize" and being able to show the world that he "means it". I'm sorry, I don't buy it for a second. Well if you really, really feel the way you describe above why are you so upset? You would know that none of this is real and just sit back and kick up your feet? Why make such a fuss? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 I don't know how to focus on myself. I don't know what it means. I have spent 2 years focusing on this and it's all I know. I have lost myself completely. And in this given moment, I don't know what to do to help myself. Right this second. Take a class, go to church, work out; basically get out of the house and focus on something else. You have to take a first step. No one can help you until you start helping yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CantTakeMySmile Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 I don't know how to focus on myself. I don't know what it means. I have spent 2 years focusing on this and it's all I know. I have lost myself completely. And in this given moment, I don't know what to do to help myself. Right this second. Right this second... put away all electronics and go outside. Walk until you are tired. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 I don't know how to focus on myself. I don't know what it means. I have spent 2 years focusing on this and it's all I know. I have lost myself completely. I believe that. It is very obvious. I would suggest that you call your counsellor to make an appointment tomorrow. Until then, find something that YOU enjoy and do it today. Distract yourself from this endless cycle of thoughts. Go for a walk. Feel the sunshine on your face and just be in the present moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrushingHope Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 Well if you really, really feel the way you describe above why are you so upset? You would know that none of this is real and just sit back and kick up your feet? Why make such a fuss? It's my heart vs my head. My brain knows that it's a pile crap, but my heart is hurting which is overpowering everything else. I told my friend and she literally laughed...because it's so "him" to do this without real thought...just like he does everything else. He's like a wild animal just trying to get from one day to the next however necessary. The last time I texted him (2 weeks ago) he could have said "after all of this I know what I really want now and that's her" or whatever. But no, he said "I am a complete mess". Sounds like the perfect time to get engaged. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrushingHope Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 I believe that. It is very obvious. I would suggest that you call your counsellor to make an appointment tomorrow. Until then, find something that YOU enjoy and do it today. Distract yourself from this endless cycle of thoughts. Go for a walk. Feel the sunshine on your face and just be in the present moment. I am on a leave from my counsellor for 3 weeks, until I can claim the sessions through my insurance again. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 I am on a leave from my counsellor for 3 weeks, until I can claim the sessions through my insurance again. I'm sorry to hear that. It doesn't mean that you have to sit in misery for three weeks though... What are you going to do with this day that God gave you? Are you going to sit at home, crying and analyzing this miserable situation, or are you going to go for a walk, plant some flowers, or go to a movie? The choice is your CH. your future begins today... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrushingHope Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 I really don't know. I know I have to take steps to help myself. And I haven't been doing enough. And now with more devastating news it feels impossible. I am supposed to go to my Dad's for dinner but I don't want to. I know I should but I can't hide how I feel with him ever. And i don't want him to worry more than he does. I am sick of this. I want it to end. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 If you really are sick of it, consider this: we get only one life - only a finite amount of hours and days. You are literally wasting this precious time on someone who hasn’t chosen you. All of your hopes and dreams... everything you say you want... absolutely everything is completely, utterly unobtainable if you keep ALLOWING uourself to wallow in your love for this guy. You have the power to change. You have the power to have everything you have ever wanted. You have the power to REALLY fall in love with a whole man (and not just the pieces), but you have to exercise some self-love and self-discipline to get it. Only you can make that choice. Only you can choose you and your future. So, if you really are sick of it - shut it down. Cut off all contact and all ways to create contact. Start rebuilding your life. Make healthy choices. Reconnect with family and friends. Learn new skills. Be interested and be interesting. When you are, the right person comes along. You may have to tempt fate with online dating or asking friends for blind dates, but you will meet HIM. And, if you can do this, one day you will look back at every single second you wasted hung up on this guy and you will regret it. When that day comes, vow to help others not waste their time. That’s why I post here. While I wasn’t an OW, I spent years hung up on a commitment-phobe. I regret it, but I am married to the love of my life. If I could save one person from another wasted minute, I will feel like that time wasn’t in vain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 It's my heart vs my head. My brain knows that it's a pile crap, but my heart is hurting which is overpowering everything else. I told my friend and she literally laughed...because it's so "him" to do this without real thought...just like he does everything else. He's like a wild animal just trying to get from one day to the next however necessary. The last time I texted him (2 weeks ago) he could have said "after all of this I know what I really want now and that's her" or whatever. But no, he said "I am a complete mess". Sounds like the perfect time to get engaged. Stop texting and reaching out to him. He's gone now with her so it's time to cut the chord and Block all communication with him so you can start your healing process. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 I don't know how to focus on myself. I don't know what it means. I have spent 2 years focusing on this and it's all I know. I have lost myself completely. And in this given moment, I don't know what to do to help myself. Right this second. You could start focusing on yourself by not making every post solely about him. Stop telling us every minut detail about him, his relationships, his words, his actions, his gfs actions, etc. Start posting about yourself. Tell us about your likes and dislikes, your hobbies, your career plans, your childhood, etc. Just start making your posts about yourself. Tell us things you like about yourself, things you would like to change about yourself. Tell us about your family, about your pets. Talk about yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 I know you’re hurting but this is the swift kick you needed to get your act together. There is no more avoidance. This forces you to work on yourself and to finally focus on your own journey. There’s nowhere else to go but up and while you don’t quite know how to get there right now, with each passing day you’re going to heal and achieve emotional clarity, little by little. And that will help you better see your path — change and how to achieve it. You’re in a fog now so grieve that he has finally gone (douchebag will return though) and be kind and gentle to yourself. I suggest you meet your dad and while you do not want to worry him, this is when you lean on those that love you for support and guidance. You’re going to be okay. This is a blessing — you don’t see it yet but you will. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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