From GF to OW

[CrushingHope]

I know you’re hurting but this is the swift kick you needed to get your act together. There is no more avoidance. This forces you to work on yourself and to finally focus on your own journey. There’s nowhere else to go but up and while you don’t quite know how to get there right now, with each passing day you’re going to heal and achieve emotional clarity, little by little. And that will help you better see your path — change and how to achieve it.

 

You’re in a fog now so grieve that he has finally gone (douchebag will return though) and be kind and gentle to yourself.

 

I suggest you meet your dad and while you do not want to worry him, this is when you lean on those that love you for support and guidance.

 

You’re going to be okay. This is a blessing — you don’t see it yet but you will.

 

My brain knows you're right. My heart is so broken that I can't move.

 

How do you think he will return now? After this. He's engaged. He's made a statement.

 

I need to move on. I want to go back to my old self. It feels impossible to ever imagine myself happy again.

[Zahara]

My brain knows you're right. My heart is so broken that I can't move.

 

How do you think he will return now? After this. He's engaged. He's made a statement.

 

I need to move on. I want to go back to my old self. It feels impossible to ever imagine myself happy again.

 

I am going to suggest you block him from ever contacting you again. He will return because this is what toxic people do — the engagement doesn’t change his dysfunction. An engagement doesn’t suddenly make him Prince Charming. He’s a cheater — don’t for once think he there wasn’t any overlapping between you and her. When things are hard with her, he’ll look to you as a fallback because that’s all you’ve ever taught him you will be.

 

It feels impossible because you’re in deep pain and your grief feels intense. But that will change.

 

Please, please block him from everything. There is nothing more there for you to see.

[CrushingHope]

I blocked him yesterday and then unblocked him. And now I can't block again for 48 hours.

 

I have to keep reminding myself that he is garbage. And that he's hurt everyone in his life. Most of them multiple times. He is charming and manipulative and sucks people in with his words and grand gestures. She was so angry and hurt by him and now she's prancing around with a ring and another false promise.

 

I have to stop seeing him as the prize. I want to wipe our good memories but I can't seem to let them go.

[Minneloa]

Did you block him on your phone (in addition to FB)? That would be a crucial step in the right direction.

[Zahara]

I blocked him yesterday and then unblocked him. And now I can't block again for 48 hours.

 

I have to keep reminding myself that he is garbage. And that he's hurt everyone in his life. Most of them multiple times. He is charming and manipulative and sucks people in with his words and grand gestures. She was so angry and hurt by him and now she's prancing around with a ring and another false promise.

 

I have to stop seeing him as the prize. I want to wipe our good memories but I can't seem to let them go.

 

Not just on FB — every possible avenue he may have to connect with you. You texted him so he has your number. Did you block on phone and email?

 

You can’t wipe them away overnight. It’s going to take healing for you to see him for what he is — 2 years of holding on — it will take time to let go.

[CrushingHope]

Not just on FB — every possible avenue he may have to connect with you. You texted him so he has your number. Did you block on phone and email?

 

You can’t wipe them away overnight. It’s going to take healing for you to see him for what he is — 2 years of holding on — it will take time to let go.

 

I haven't been able to bring myself to block him from my phone, but everywhere is done.

[Zahara]

I haven't been able to bring myself to block him from my phone, but everywhere is done.

 

It’s a choice, CH. I’m not sure what you’re hoping to gain by keeping the door open.

[CrushingHope]

The same thing I have always kept it open for. It feels like the only way I will feel powerful is to have him try to come back and get to say no and hurt him the way he's hurt me.

[Zahara]

The same thing I have always kept it open for. It feels like the only way I will feel powerful is to have him try to come back and get to say no and hurt him the way he's hurt me.

 

Unfortunately, he will not hurt the way you are hurting. His ego will be bruised but he won’t hurt. The difference here is that you are emotionally invested in him, he wasn’t invested in you. He used you as a crutch, a fallback when he wasn’t in good terms with her. Don’t project your feelings on him, his actions towards you have clearly indicated otherwise.

 

Denying him will knock his ego down but trust me, he won’t be hurting like you have been for him.

 

Also, contact at some point is going to rip apart your wound again. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re going to some how feel empowered. You’re in some deep denial.

 

Silence is a powerful response. What you’re doing is still trying to play games.

[CrushingHope]

Unfortunately, he will not hurt the way you are hurting. His ego will be bruised but he won’t hurt. The difference here is that you are emotionally invested in him, he wasn’t invested in you. He used you as a crutch, a fallback when he wasn’t in good terms with her. Don’t project your feelings on him, his actions towards you have clearly indicated otherwise.

 

Denying him will knock his ego down but trust me, he won’t be hurting like you have been for him.

 

Also, contact at some point is going to rip apart your wound again. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re going to some how feel empowered. You’re in some deep denial.

 

Silence is a powerful response. What you’re doing is still trying to play games.

 

It's so hard to believe that he had no feelings for me whatsoever. Times that he had left her for me were times when they weren't even fighting. Things were as fine as they could be. But he always felt that things were never good enough for him forever. But being away from her to try to make a new life was too hard. I'm sure of that. So he went back. I can almost guarantee that if she hadn't found out about me, he wouldn't have proposed to her. He would have no need to.

 

I guess I am playing games. I don't like that I want to hurt him. I just want the chance to say "I told you so".

[Zahara]

It's so hard to believe that he had no feelings for me whatsoever. Times that he had left her for me were times when they weren't even fighting. Things were as fine as they could be. But he always felt that things were never good enough for him forever. But being away from her to try to make a new life was too hard. I'm sure of that. So he went back. I can almost guarantee that if she hadn't found out about me, he wouldn't have proposed to her. He would have no need to.

 

I guess I am playing games. I don't like that I want to hurt him. I just want the chance to say "I told you so".

 

Define “feelings” — do you truly believe he was capable of genuine and true love for you? Just because a man comes around and lathers you with words it does not mean they love you. You keep saying “feelings” but what does that mean when he’s been leaving you for the past two years. Those “feelings” are worthless.

 

So what if she didn’t find out about you — he would still be using you as a fallback and will likely do so again. It also says so much about his fear of losing her that he’d go to such extents to keep her happy. What has he done for you? He’s given you goose eggs.

 

“I told you so” — you’ve been in this mess for two years and you want to point a finger at him? You’ve been an active participant in this drama and have destroyed your self-esteem in the process and you want to tell him “I told you so” — instead of using this opportunity to finally let go and move on with your life? Even if you had a chance to tell him that, he moves on with his life with her but you’re going to reinvent the wheel and be on your own picking up more broken pieces.

 

This is not a game, CH. You post that you want to get better, you want to have a better life, you want to find love — how do you accomplish that when you absolutely do not want to take ownership of your life?

 

How many times does this man have to reject you for you to say enough? He’s engaged. It’s over. It’s done. It’s the nail in the coffin. There is nothing left to say but only for you to do and that is to bite the bullet, grit your teeth, embrace the discomfort and pain — block him. There’s nowhere else to look but inward.

Edited June 10, 2018 by Zahara

[CrushingHope]

Define “feelings” — do you truly believe he was capable of genuine and true love for you? Just because a man comes around and lathers you with words it does not mean they love you. You keep saying “feelings” but what does that mean when he’s been leaving you for the past two years. Those “feelings” are worthless.

 

So what if she didn’t find out about you — he would still be using you as a fallback and will likely do so again. It also says so much about his fear of losing her that he’d go to such extents to keep her happy. What has he done for you? He’s given you goose eggs.

 

“I told you so” — you’ve been in this mess for two years and you want to point a finger at him? You’ve been an active participant in this drama and have destroyed your self-esteem in the process and you want to tell him “I told you so” — instead of using this opportunity to finally let go and move on with your life? Even if you had a chance to tell him that, he moves on with his life with her but you’re going to reinvent the wheel and be on your own picking up more broken pieces.

 

This is not a game, CH. You post that you want to get better, you want to have a better life, you want to find love — how do you accomplish that when you absolutely do not want to take ownership of your life?

 

How many times does this man have to reject you for you to say enough? He’s engaged. It’s over. It’s done. It’s the nail in the coffin. There is nothing left to say but only for you to do and that is to bite the bullet, grit your teeth, embrace the discomfort and pain — block him. There’s nowhere else to look but inward.

 

No, I don't think he is capable of love. For her or for me. But I do feel like he had potential to be the best version of himself with me, if he had let himself walk away from the toxicity of their relationship.

 

Of course he's scared of life without her...it's all he has known for 10 years. He has not been ready to make the changes necessary to make a better life for himself and I guess part of me kept thinking that he will hit a rock bottom with her and realize it's time to really get out.

 

On one hand everyone is saying "that's it he's engaged, it's over", and on the other they're saying "yep, he'll be back, mark my words". It's hard to accept the reality of the situation when I don't know what it is or what it will be from here.

 

If he was dead, I would have no choice but to accept that and move on. The engagement makes me think that one minute, and the next minute I think nothing will change the way they are and he will eventually want to leave again.

 

I know I need to just make the decision to stop any possibility of him coming back. I just haven't gotten there yet and I'm trying to be open about how i'm really feeling here because it doesn't do me any good to lie here.

[Zahara]

No, I don't think he is capable of love. For her or for me. But I do feel like he had potential to be the best version of himself with me, if he had let himself walk away from the toxicity of their relationship.

 

Of course he's scared of life without her...it's all he has known for 10 years. He has not been ready to make the changes necessary to make a better life for himself and I guess part of me kept thinking that he will hit a rock bottom with her and realize it's time to really get out.

 

So, you think he’ll suddenly emerge out of his dysfunction because you would have been able to love him out of his dysfunction? You don’t even love or value yourself so how would you turn his life around? This is fantasy thinking.

 

The man can’t even healthily/lovingly attach to his children. Children he’s had way before he met you. And you’re suddenly going to show him the way? This kind of thought patterns are dangerous because this is what keeps you idealizing and creating the potential love story of your lifetime. When people show you who they are, believe them.

 

He’s been with her for 10 years. He’s been dysfunctional even before he met her as evidenced by his relationships with his family and friends — and you think he’ll suddenly see the light? You’ve been in this mess for two and you’re still holding on. Why do you think he’s now going to let go?

 

On one hand everyone is saying "that's it he's engaged, it's over", and on the other they're saying "yep, he'll be back, mark my words". It's hard to accept the reality of the situation when I don't know what it is or what it will be from here.

 

What?! It’s over! It’s done but IF you want to continue being the OW then stay where you are. That is what it means. This is the reality of your situation.

 

If he was dead, I would have no choice but to accept that and move on. The engagement makes me think that one minute, and the next minute I think nothing will change the way they are and he will eventually want to leave again.

 

Then continue staying in his life as an option.

 

I know I need to just make the decision to stop any possibility of him coming back. I just haven't gotten there yet and I'm trying to be open about how i'm really feeling here because it doesn't do me any good to lie here.

 

Again, it’s your choice. No one can help you if you do not want to help yourself.

Edited June 10, 2018 by Zahara

[CrushingHope]

I am so angry at myself and ashamed of my involvement with this and the thinking that I still want any part of him when I know he is not going to be able to make me happy after all of this. Ever.

 

I am trying to drill that into my head. I am just trying to tread water. I am just getting literally from one minute to the next.

 

I have hope for myself. I want to knock sense into myself and suddenly truly feel what everyone else does about this.

[BaileyB]

On one hand everyone is saying "that's it he's engaged, it's over", and on the other they're saying "yep, he'll be back, mark my words". It's hard to accept the reality of the situation when I don't know what it is or what it will be from here.

 

If he was dead, I would have no choice but to accept that and move on. The engagement makes me think that one minute, and the next minute I think nothing will change the way they are and he will eventually want to leave again.

 

Oh, it's over. He has made his decision and chosen another woman. That would be enough for most women to end it. Anytime your "boyfriend" proposes to another woman... That means, it's over.

 

But, that doesn't mean that he will not attempt to come back. He will be back because that's what he does. It's so predictable.

 

And, you will more than likely let him back into your life because, that's what you do. I'm sorry, but it's the truth.

 

You have not demonstrated that you are ready to let him go. Have you taken any of the advice that has been offered to block him, to do something productive today, to stop talking about him and start to focus on yourself? It seems you continue to analyze, looking for some ray of hope that he will change his mind and come back to you.

 

Annika gave you good advice earlier - stop talking about him and start talking about you! You say that you want to learn to focus on you - well, take this advice. Turn your focus from this man to yourself.

 

If it's not too late, go and have dinner with your dad. Do one thing today that is productive, that is for you. That's all you have to do.

 

No one can do it for you. No one can help you if you don't want to help yourself.

Edited June 10, 2018 by BaileyB

[CrushingHope]

I guess I feel coming here is a safe place to come and get out all these thoughts. No one wants to read about my childhood and my hobbies here.

 

I will get better with time. I have before. There have just been some recent blows that are making it difficult to hurdle.

[CantTakeMySmile]

What is your “fantasy “ best case scenario?

[CantTakeMySmile]

He may vey well have feelings for you. He may have loved you. He may not be totally happy where he is... but he is happier being there than not being there. He chose the unhappiness. That’s his stupidity. But it still his reality.

 

If he asked her to marry him, he has put at least some thoughts get into it. In the last two weeks, while you have been crying over him, he has been thinking about proposing. He is not sad.

 

You have nowhere to go. It sucks but you are out of options. You don’t even have a fantasy reunion to focus on. And this is to your advantage... this is your closure.

[jah526]

Only you can decide what your breaking point is. This would be it for probably most women. Mine was when I found evidence he was dating someone else (for the record, in future it will be "he is married/in a relationship").

 

Unfortunately you are going to have to take the reins into your own hands and decide when it's over. All my life I handed over decision-making to someone else. In this case, I finally realized it was never going to end unless I ended it, and I would keep getting further and further degraded by him.

 

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. But just know that if you close this chapter now you'll never have to be in this much pain again.

[CrushingHope]

What is your “fantasy “ best case scenario?

 

I guess my fantasy best scenario with him would be that he realizes that his happiness doesn't come with her and that he would finally be open to having a real chance with me.

 

My fantasy best scenario without him would be my finally seeing the light and being able to move on and not actually care about him anymore or want him in my life.

 

It's difficult to imagine either of those happening.

 

I know he's not "sad" in this moment. I know he had to take time to get the ring and all of that. But you don't go from being miserable enough to leave someone "once and for all" is what he told his son, to proposing within the month and expect anyone to believe it's sincere. They're a joke. And I know this ring, this wedding and this marriage won't magically fix them after 10 years of this garbage. Neither one of them handled previous marriages well and they are even more f'd up now.

 

I am trying to bring myself back to the moment a month ago where I was sitting right where I am now in my living room and he was outside smoking. I was feeling very resentful as I watched him and very distrusting. I pushed him off of me that night because I didn't want him to touch me at that moment because I was seriously feeling unattracted to him and not wanting to be intimate with him. I know that kind of freaked him out and I do regret doing that. I figured in time we would get back to having a good sex life together once I trusted him a little more. But who knows...maybe that never would have happened.

[CrushingHope]

Only you can decide what your breaking point is. This would be it for probably most women. Mine was when I found evidence he was dating someone else (for the record, in future it will be "he is married/in a relationship").

 

Unfortunately you are going to have to take the reins into your own hands and decide when it's over. All my life I handed over decision-making to someone else. In this case, I finally realized it was never going to end unless I ended it, and I would keep getting further and further degraded by him.

 

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. But just know that if you close this chapter now you'll never have to be in this much pain again.

 

I know you're right. I know I have to be the one to close the chapter. I have done it before, twice. One of those times was very simple.I wasn't all that invested and I suddenly felt "i don't want any of this at all" and it was easy to walk away. The other one was my first love and I was still very much in love with him, but was choosing to walk away from his effort to get back together (as we had done many times before, much like this situation). But I had a new person I was dating and even though I wasn't in love with him, it gave me the knowledge that there were other people out there. And he was a really good one. And that gave me the strength to not go back. But this time I'm finding it so much harder because of that fact I've mentioned a million times that I believe I'll never find anyone else.

 

It's really that that keeps me stuck in this more than anything. It's a vicious circle.

[CrushingHope]

I went to my dad's for a little visit. I couldn't eat anything so we didn't have dinner but just chatted. I know he's worried about me but says he'd rather have me sit with him than be here alone.

 

I also made plans for every night this week except one. I don't want to do any of those things but I'm trying to keep busy.

 

I'm trying to take steps. It feels like withdrawal and torture and despair. But what choice do i have...

[BaileyB]

I went to my dad's for a little visit. I couldn't eat anything so we didn't have dinner but just chatted. I know he's worried about me but says he'd rather have me sit with him than be here alone.

 

I also made plans for every night this week except one. I don't want to do any of those things but I'm trying to keep busy.

 

I'm trying to take steps...

 

Good for you! Your dad sounds like my dad... Lovely.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I went to my dad's for a little visit. I couldn't eat anything so we didn't have dinner but just chatted. I know he's worried about me but says he'd rather have me sit with him than be here alone.

 

I also made plans for every night this week except one. I don't want to do any of those things but I'm trying to keep busy.

 

I'm trying to take steps. It feels like withdrawal and torture and despair. But what choice do i have...

 

 

 

THIs is great!!! It doesn't matter how fast or slow you move, as long as you keep moving. Good job!

[Zahara]

I went to my dad's for a little visit. I couldn't eat anything so we didn't have dinner but just chatted. I know he's worried about me but says he'd rather have me sit with him than be here alone.

 

I also made plans for every night this week except one. I don't want to do any of those things but I'm trying to keep busy.

 

I'm trying to take steps. It feels like withdrawal and torture and despair. But what choice do i have...

 

I'm glad you went to see your father. You need to be around people that care and love you rather than isolate yourself.

 

Good for you for taking those little steps. I know it is extremely hard to move because all you want to do is hide away. But pushing through those uncomfortable moments will condition you to become stronger.

 

You are going through withdrawals. He was your drug. It's akin to detoxifying your body, mind and heart. And to get him out of your system, you have to stay away from him and barrel through the pain and despair. It is going to get better -- it won't always be this way. But you have to give yourself a fighting chance.