From GF to OW

[CrushingHope]

I'm glad you went to see your father. You need to be around people that care and love you rather than isolate yourself.

 

Good for you for taking those little steps. I know it is extremely hard to move because all you want to do is hide away. But pushing through those uncomfortable moments will condition you to become stronger.

 

You are going through withdrawals. He was your drug. It's akin to detoxifying your body, mind and heart. And to get him out of your system, you have to stay away from him and barrel through the pain and despair. It is going to get better -- it won't always be this way. But you have to give yourself a fighting chance.

 

It absolutely feels like drug withdrawal and impossible not to want him. And not to be insanely jealous that he proposed to her. In my head I picture them being happy and loving and excited. But I know this won't fix them but picturing them as happy as he seemed to be when he was with me... It just makes me feel crazy. I want to rip my hair out.

 

I am trying to concentrate at work and I just can't focus.

 

It feels like I will never get over this.

[FMW]

It's great you have plans every night, and most definitely that you spend time with a man that really loves you - your father.

 

You need to make yourself accept that this guy you're wrapped up in made his choice some time back and continues to make that choice - his now fiance. You are available to him but he continues to choose her. Yes, he occasionally leaves her for a bit and runs to you, but he doesn't stay with you, he returns to her. She's his choice.

 

It doesn't matter that you might be the happier, healthier choice. It doesn't matter whether he loves you or not. He chooses her. You are an occasional on the side break. And as long as you hold on that's all you'll ever be.

 

I know that sounds mean, but it's the reality he's showing you. I know how painful it is, how hard it is to understand why he makes that choice. I know because I've had to accept the same thing. My MM has told me he knows he would be much happier married to me, he tells me he loves me and I do believe him. But it just doesn't matter because he stays with his wife. His attachment to her is stronger than any feelings he has for me.

 

If you really want to move on then stop trying to understand why he's doing what he does. It's impossible, you'll never get it (he probably doesn't even get it). Just accept that even if he does escape to you occasionally, he is going to keep going back to her. That's where he wants to be. That's the reality - it doesn't matter why. It just is.

[Zahara]

It absolutely feels like drug withdrawal and impossible not to want him. And not to be insanely jealous that he proposed to her. In my head I picture them being happy and loving and excited. But I know this won't fix them but picturing them as happy as he seemed to be when he was with me... It just makes me feel crazy. I want to rip my hair out.

 

I am trying to concentrate at work and I just can't focus.

 

It feels like I will never get over this.

 

You will get over this. Right now you are in grief and a whole host of painful emotions and in those times, optimism is inconceivable. It is very natural to have a bleak outlook but it isn't your truth. But you also have to come to terms that what you are feeling is normal and embrace it. Don't fight it but tell yourself that grief and healing is a process and be gentle with yourself. There's no quick exit out of this so you will have to feel what you feel and try to manage it the best you can.

 

They will be happy, loving and excited and there will also be times when they will be tearing each other apart. Just as you went through the highs and lows, this is what they will be going through as well. I am sure they have good times but I am also sure it's accompanied by dark dysfunction as well. That's no way to live.

 

He is not a prize. You want to be picked, you want to be the one that is special -- I get it and the rejection hurts more than anything but one day you are going to get on with your life and open yourself up to the possibility of finding true, genuine and reciprocal love but he's going to stay in a situation that will continue to wreak havoc in his life. You are a prize and you deserve so much more than just sitting on the sidelines hoping to get picked.

[Bittersweetie]

The same thing I have always kept it open for. It feels like the only way I will feel powerful is to have him try to come back and get to say no and hurt him the way he's hurt me.

 

OMG, Crushing, this was me. The first time my xAP ghosted me, it was after he told me he decided to pursue another OW (I know, a real prize this guy was). I was so upset and angry, I remember literally shaking.

 

But I kept reaching out, part of me hoped we'd get back together, so that then I could dump HIM, and then he'd hurt like I did! I'd have the power, I'd show him.

 

Here's what really happened: he finally came back because the relationship with the OOW ended and he was getting divorced. I got sucked in again because he was everything I thought I wanted and needed (lots of projection on my side). Things turned physical (they weren't before) and he ended up giving me a STD. He ghosted me again and again I found myself upset and angry. When I found out about the STD, that's when my d-day happened.

 

I would give ANYTHING to have stopped with this guy after the first ghosting. I would've saved myself so much pain. But I held on thinking he was "the one" (despite me having an H) and I would keep the candle lit for us. I held on thinking the next time, I would have the power, I would be more in control. But all the second time did was give me more hurt and pain.

 

Someone mentioned you have been given a gift here...I know it doesn't seem like it, but it is a HUGE gift. You have your closure. You can shut the door and walk on a new path. You are lucky.

 

And I wouldn't mind hearing more about you and your hobbies. I used to sew paperback book covers and sell them online. Business was good until everyone got Kindles and such! Oh well. I'm trying to figure out a new item I could make.

[CrushingHope]

It's great you have plans every night, and most definitely that you spend time with a man that really loves you - your father.

 

You need to make yourself accept that this guy you're wrapped up in made his choice some time back and continues to make that choice - his now fiance. You are available to him but he continues to choose her. Yes, he occasionally leaves her for a bit and runs to you, but he doesn't stay with you, he returns to her. She's his choice.

 

It doesn't matter that you might be the happier, healthier choice. It doesn't matter whether he loves you or not. He chooses her. You are an occasional on the side break. And as long as you hold on that's all you'll ever be.

 

I know that sounds mean, but it's the reality he's showing you. I know how painful it is, how hard it is to understand why he makes that choice. I know because I've had to accept the same thing. My MM has told me he knows he would be much happier married to me, he tells me he loves me and I do believe him. But it just doesn't matter because he stays with his wife. His attachment to her is stronger than any feelings he has for me.

 

If you really want to move on then stop trying to understand why he's doing what he does. It's impossible, you'll never get it (he probably doesn't even get it). Just accept that even if he does escape to you occasionally, he is going to keep going back to her. That's where he wants to be. That's the reality - it doesn't matter why. It just is.

 

Learning to walk away without answers is the hardest part. He never gives me anything. If I didn't know from so many other people (his son, the girl who lives there that knows my friend, my friend who has lived with this woman before etc) I would think he was lying about how terrible it is to live there. But I know it's true. But for whatever reason, he chooses to stay there and go back year after year. How can he possible find that to be a happy existence? To tell his son a month ago "I've finally done it and left her for good this time" to being engaged..he doesn't care what his son thinks about him, let alone me.

 

I'm trying to accept his truth and now mine. Part of me wonders if he's manic or something. The way he changes his mind on a dime, the grand gestures, thinking only of himself at all times... It's not normal behaviour.

 

I'm trying to focus on what I would have gotten if he did choose me. What would that be? More pain. Erratic behaviour. A relationship with no trust.

 

I know it's not good enough.

[CrushingHope]

You will get over this. Right now you are in grief and a whole host of painful emotions and in those times, optimism is inconceivable. It is very natural to have a bleak outlook but it isn't your truth. But you also have to come to terms that what you are feeling is normal and embrace it. Don't fight it but tell yourself that grief and healing is a process and be gentle with yourself. There's no quick exit out of this so you will have to feel what you feel and try to manage it the best you can.

 

They will be happy, loving and excited and there will also be times when they will be tearing each other apart. Just as you went through the highs and lows, this is what they will be going through as well. I am sure they have good times but I am also sure it's accompanied by dark dysfunction as well. That's no way to live.

 

He is not a prize. You want to be picked, you want to be the one that is special -- I get it and the rejection hurts more than anything but one day you are going to get on with your life and open yourself up to the possibility of finding true, genuine and reciprocal love but he's going to stay in a situation that will continue to wreak havoc in his life. You are a prize and you deserve so much more than just sitting on the sidelines hoping to get picked.

 

I don't feel like a prize in any way. I feel like such a mess.

[CrushingHope]

OMG, Crushing, this was me. The first time my xAP ghosted me, it was after he told me he decided to pursue another OW (I know, a real prize this guy was). I was so upset and angry, I remember literally shaking.

 

But I kept reaching out, part of me hoped we'd get back together, so that then I could dump HIM, and then he'd hurt like I did! I'd have the power, I'd show him.

 

Here's what really happened: he finally came back because the relationship with the OOW ended and he was getting divorced. I got sucked in again because he was everything I thought I wanted and needed (lots of projection on my side). Things turned physical (they weren't before) and he ended up giving me a STD. He ghosted me again and again I found myself upset and angry. When I found out about the STD, that's when my d-day happened.

 

I would give ANYTHING to have stopped with this guy after the first ghosting. I would've saved myself so much pain. But I held on thinking he was "the one" (despite me having an H) and I would keep the candle lit for us. I held on thinking the next time, I would have the power, I would be more in control. But all the second time did was give me more hurt and pain.

 

Someone mentioned you have been given a gift here...I know it doesn't seem like it, but it is a HUGE gift. You have your closure. You can shut the door and walk on a new path. You are lucky.

 

And I wouldn't mind hearing more about you and your hobbies. I used to sew paperback book covers and sell them online. Business was good until everyone got Kindles and such! Oh well. I'm trying to figure out a new item I could make.

 

It breaks my heart to hear someone else has dealt with this.

 

How did you finally move on? How did you stop the obsession of wanting to reach out? I have so much I want to say to him but know it's pointless.

[Zahara]

I don't feel like a prize in any way. I feel like such a mess.

 

It's because you are a mess. Like I said, you can't see any promise or optimism in your situation or yourself because you are in pain.

[Bittersweetie]

It breaks my heart to hear someone else has dealt with this.

 

How did you finally move on? How did you stop the obsession of wanting to reach out? I have so much I want to say to him but know it's pointless.

 

I, too, had so much I wanted to say to xAP. I wanted to tell him off. I wanted to tell him the pain he caused. I wanted to tell him he was a jerk. So I started writing letters that I would rip up when finished...I did this maybe weekly for a while. At first, the letters were a page long. Then a half page. Then a paragraph. Then a sentence. Then I got to a point where I had nothing to say to him...it didn't matter, it wasn't worth the energy. Now that point didn't happen overnight. It was months, maybe a year.

 

In terms of moving on, my situation was a bit different in that I have a husband. My life was in shambles and I'd hurt the one person who had my back. I finally realized I was thinking and obsessing over xAP as an escape...an escape of what I'd done to my life. So I decided, no matter what happened with my H, I didn't want to be the kind of person who had affairs, I wanted to be the kind of person who treated others better and allowed myself to be treated better. I wanted to start rebuilding my own personal integrity.

 

Finally, one big thing I realized in the aftermath of my A and d-day is this: there are questions in life you will never get the answer to. And that is okay. My best girlfriend in college abruptly ended our friendship just after graduation. It was done in a painful and rude way and to this day, I have no idea why. None. For years it haunted me. What did I do? Why did I deserve that? Why did she act that way after all we'd been through? It affected me for years, affected my friendships, my sense of self.

 

For almost TWENTY YEARS I let this girl's actions affect me. After all this stuff happened with xAP, I said to myself, am I going to spend another 20 years hung up on why this guy did what he did? I'm never going to know why girlfriend acted like she did. I'm never going to know why xAP acted like he did. I can only control me and I decided to let the whys go.

 

It was like a weight lifted off. I held on so tightly to something that got me nowhere. And again, I know it is not easy to let the questions go...but again, the only person you can control is you. Like my signature says, what you allow is what will continue. Good luck.

[brokenandhopeless]

I am wondering if we can be each other's cheerleader in this journey to break this need to reach out and to want somebody whom we cannot have. I have the same struggle.

[lovely81]

CrushingHope, just offering you support. I'm happy you have your father to go to. You can and will get through this.

[CrushingHope]

I, too, had so much I wanted to say to xAP. I wanted to tell him off. I wanted to tell him the pain he caused. I wanted to tell him he was a jerk. So I started writing letters that I would rip up when finished...I did this maybe weekly for a while. At first, the letters were a page long. Then a half page. Then a paragraph. Then a sentence. Then I got to a point where I had nothing to say to him...it didn't matter, it wasn't worth the energy. Now that point didn't happen overnight. It was months, maybe a year.

 

In terms of moving on, my situation was a bit different in that I have a husband. My life was in shambles and I'd hurt the one person who had my back. I finally realized I was thinking and obsessing over xAP as an escape...an escape of what I'd done to my life. So I decided, no matter what happened with my H, I didn't want to be the kind of person who had affairs, I wanted to be the kind of person who treated others better and allowed myself to be treated better. I wanted to start rebuilding my own personal integrity.

 

Finally, one big thing I realized in the aftermath of my A and d-day is this: there are questions in life you will never get the answer to. And that is okay. My best girlfriend in college abruptly ended our friendship just after graduation. It was done in a painful and rude way and to this day, I have no idea why. None. For years it haunted me. What did I do? Why did I deserve that? Why did she act that way after all we'd been through? It affected me for years, affected my friendships, my sense of self.

 

For almost TWENTY YEARS I let this girl's actions affect me. After all this stuff happened with xAP, I said to myself, am I going to spend another 20 years hung up on why this guy did what he did? I'm never going to know why girlfriend acted like she did. I'm never going to know why xAP acted like he did. I can only control me and I decided to let the whys go.

 

It was like a weight lifted off. I held on so tightly to something that got me nowhere. And again, I know it is not easy to let the questions go...but again, the only person you can control is you. Like my signature says, what you allow is what will continue. Good luck.

 

It's so messed up. I want to tell him all the ways he's hurt me and all the ways he's hurt other people in his life and I want to call him every name in the book and I want to wish ill will on him and I want his relationship to fall apart...but still, mostly, I want to be chosen.

 

And Zahara has been right all along...it's not specifically by him, but by someone. Not just anyone. I do want someone I am compatible with of course and who checks off certain things that are important to me. But I just fear so badly that my time is up for that. And he checked the boxes of all the things that come after the normal things like trust, integrity, loyalty etc...which of course he does not have.

 

I know I will look back on this time, whether single or alone, and regret spending so much of my thoughts and energy on him. I just wish I could fast forward to that and not have to get through this painful time first.

 

I think it's true that he had/has "feelings" for me, but like BitterSweetie said, his attachment for her is stronger than his feelings for me. And I think that's it exactly. You can't compare 10 years with 2 years on and off of brief honeymoon time that, although is refreshing for him and fun and lovely, probably doesn't feel "real" to him the way she does. I know absolutely that I brought things to his life that she could never and will never, but in the end, what I have to offer doesn't trump the 10 years of life, no matter how f'd up, that they have made together.

 

It makes me so sad because the time we spent together was really lovely.

[BTDT2012]

The same thing I have always kept it open for. It feels like the only way I will feel powerful is to have him try to come back and get to say no and hurt him the way he's hurt me.

He won't feel the way you do. He's not you.

[Versacehottie]

I'm a really good, honest, loving person. I have never been in a situation like this and it's killing me.

 

You have something to offer. This is from your original post. Good people get put in bad situations all the time. What you do have to offer the RIGHT guy is that you are this person. Stop offering it to someone who is not going to fully appreciate it and is stuck himself.

 

I know you are struggling and confused. Take action, however small, toward what you do want. Right now you seem to be stuck in the past (good moments with him, what could have been) rather than dealing with the reality of your "now". The reality of your now is that you are not together. Better is out there for you IF you take the steps NEEDED to get there. But you must take the steps. Not in your head, in your actions. Try small things as you are pretty shaken up right now. Try to reengage in your own life. Little hobbies and exercise. Movement is always good, forward motion of all kinds will help you out of this hole. Sometimes the stuff that is less related to romantic or social helps the most at this juncture. But don't leave those parts alone for too long. You deserve a social and romantic life too. Good luck

[BaileyB]

How are you doing this week CH?

[CrushingHope]

How are you doing this week CH?

 

HI Bailey,

I'm ok. I will be fine for periods of time while I'm learning this new job and have started taking French language training for work which is good for distracting my overactive brain.

But I have periods of time where I'm still bargaining and hopeful that they will fall apart and I'll hear from him again.

I can't seem to let go of the want.

 

I see my therapist tomorrow so hopefully that will help too.

 

I'm trying to be more positive and not to talk about him as much but I am finding it all a challenge. But I'm ok.

 

I still find myself trying to make sense of it, maybe to ease my humiliation. I feel like such a failure and a fool and I think part of wanting him is to prove to myself that I wasn't nothing to him.

[BaileyB]

I’m glad you are keeping busy and things are going ok. You are doing the best you can, which is all anyone can ever do... right?

 

Be kind to yourself.

[CrushingHope]

It's his birthday today. It will take everything in my power not to text him.

 

Just over a month ago we were talking about things we were going to do over the summer. And now he's engaged to someone else.

 

How can things feel so unfair? I know, I know... "life is unfair"...

 

Gonna be a tough day.

[Zahara]

It's his birthday today. It will take everything in my power not to text him.

 

Just over a month ago we were talking about things we were going to do over the summer. And now he's engaged to someone else.

 

How can things feel so unfair? I know, I know... "life is unfair"...

 

Gonna be a tough day.

 

It’s just another day. Besides you should be fueled with anger as to how he’s treated you — he doesn’t deserve any sort of acknowledgment from you. And his girlfriend is on his tail so you don’t want her intercepting your text and causing more headaches for yourself.

 

It isn’t unfair. It’s given you a gift. You don’t see it right now because you’re emotionally clouded. When that lifts, you’ll thank your lucky stars to have dodged this bullet.

[CrushingHope]

It’s just another day. Besides you should be fueled with anger as to how he’s treated you — he doesn’t deserve any sort of acknowledgment from you. And his girlfriend is on his tail so you don’t want her intercepting your text and causing more headaches for yourself.

 

It isn’t unfair. It’s given you a gift. You don’t see it right now because you’re emotionally clouded. When that lifts, you’ll thank your lucky stars to have dodged this bullet.

 

This is the part I struggle with... I know how I "should" be feeling but I can't seem to get there. I'm more sad than angry. I focus on the good memories because they hold more weight to me but I know they shouldn't.

 

I don't know how to make that switch.

 

I won't message him. I just really want to because even though he treats people poorly, I don't. And because I still care about him, I want to wish him a happy birthday. But really, I hope he has a sh*tty one.

[BaileyB]

It's his birthday today. It will take everything in my power not to text him.

 

Just over a month ago we were talking about things we were going to do over the summer. And now he's engaged to someone else.

 

How can things feel so unfair? I know, I know... "life is unfair"...

 

Gonna be a tough day.

 

Here’s one way to keep yourself from texting today...

 

When you feel the urge to pick up your phone, imagine he is celebrating with his new fiancé tonight - maybe they are going to dinner, she has given him a gift, they had having sex... He is doing what he should be doing, celebrating his birthday with the woman he chose.

 

You stay focused on yourself today. Do something nice for yourself. It’s just another day...

[CrushingHope]

Here’s one way to keep yourself from texting today...

 

When you feel the urge to pick up your phone, imagine he is celebrating with his new fiancé tonight - maybe they are going to dinner, she has given him a gift, they had having sex... He is doing what he should be doing, celebrating his birthday with the woman he chose.

 

You stay focused on yourself today. Do something nice for yourself. It’s just another day...

 

The problem is, I know that's not how it is. They aren't a normal, happy couple that do normal happy couple things.

 

I got him some things for his bday 2 years ago and made him a cake and stuff. Then we took his son and gf out for dinner. His son told me that this woman doesn't make him a cake or buy him gifts or anything and that the most they will do is go for dinner. I had already known that from what he told me so the son confirmed it. That's why I wanted to make it special.

 

Anyway. I know. Regardless of that stuff, that's who he's with.

 

It doesn't make me angry. It makes me sad.

[BaileyB]

The problem is, I know that's not how it is. They aren't a normal, happy couple that do normal happy couple things.

 

With all due respect, you don’t know what happens between two peoplee... you know what he tells you, but have you read the comments of married men who claim their home life is so horrible, only to learn that they go home and have sex with their wives after they leave the other woman? You can’t trust what he says or what you “think” you know because... what happens between them, in their home, is for them to know.

 

Perhaps, this year will be different? Perhaps they will have a nice day and she will do something nice for him... don’t think that you know what’s happening in their relationship because you are not in that relationship.

 

For us on yourself, it should be your single focus now.

[CrushingHope]

With all due respect, you don’t know what happens between two peoplee... you know what he tells you, but have you read the comments of married men who claim their home life is so horrible, only to learn that they go home and have sex with their wives after they leave the other woman? You can’t trust what he says or what you “think” you know because... what happens between them, in their home, is for them to know.

 

Perhaps, this year will be different? Perhaps they will have a nice day and she will do something nice for him... don’t think that you know what’s happening in their relationship because you are not in that relationship.

 

For us on yourself, it should be your single focus now.

 

If it was just what I heard from him, that would be one thing. But it's from multiple people. One of whom is his son and has lived with them and one who is living there now.

 

Yeah maybe things have magically changed for them overnight since the proposal and they are suddenly in a happy place. Doubtful. You really think he's in a happy place? There's no way.

 

It's just going to be a tough day to get through and there's no way around it. Thinking of them happy doesn't make it easier for sure. Being angry would not be an honest reaction for me.

 

It sucks but it is what it is and I am trying to just accept it.

 

I recognize that I'm not in a good place today and not responding well here. I just woke up in a bad place and need to fight the urge to text him.

[Zahara]

This is the part I struggle with... I know how I "should" be feeling but I can't seem to get there. I'm more sad than angry. I focus on the good memories because they hold more weight to me but I know they shouldn't.

 

I don't know how to make that switch.

 

I won't message him. I just really want to because even though he treats people poorly, I don't. And because I still care about him, I want to wish him a happy birthday. But really, I hope he has a sh*tty one.

 

One fateful night, I caught my ex-boyfriend with another woman in her car. I remember falling to my knees and literally crawling on all fours to my car because my legs felt so weak I couldn't stand. Then I saw them walk into the house and shut the door.

 

For months, I was consumed by "why didn't he pick me" and I kept running with that and I wasn't able to find any other perspective. I remember my mother feeling so worried as to my state of mind because I couldn't get mad/angry and see him for who he was. I was constantly ruminating on why he didn't pick me and what was wrong with me. I couldn't focus on the bad, I kept focusing on the fantasy of what could have been, what I hoped he would be, etc.

 

It took over a year for me to get to some level of indifference and acceptance. I would sometimes still fantasize about what could have been and I would cry here and there but it wasn't debilitating.

 

After months of isolation, my girlfriend forced me to go out. She came over, we got dressed to the nines and we went out. We walk into the restaurant and there he is -- standing there with his girlfriend. I saw his eyes light up and he had a wide smile. Yes, this mofo was actually smiling. He walked up to me, I was civil and walked away and as I walked away, I glanced at her.

 

I had two realizations that night. 1) She looked disheveled and I felt sorry for her because she was likely going through the same dysfunction I once experienced with him. I was that woman once before. And I sympathized with her because she was in a dark place 2) I embraced the gift that I was bestowed. I was finally free and I was able to live my life with emotional freedom. That's when I knew it was over.

 

You've been saying that you want the switch to flip. There is no switch. It is a gradual evolving of emotions and thoughts. It's going to take time (what you do with that time is important) for you to get through those stages of healing. You spent 2 years investing in him, it's likely going to take just as long to truly set yourself free.