From GF to OW

[CrushingHope]

I completely understand why you would want that and why you are frustrated that it hasn’t happened in all these years... But seriously, would you rather be alone or in a bad relationship with a man who can’t give you what you want?

 

I have always chosen to be alone rather than in a bad relationship because to me, that would be more soul crushing that anything else. And, I know you will say “when it was good, it was really, really good.” But the thing is, it is not and will never be what you want it to be... which makes it really, really bad for your mental health and your future happiness.

 

It’s like, the boat is sinking and you are stubbornly clinging to the mast because you would rather go down with the ship than swim on your own.

 

I think it's impossible to say what will happen in any way. I could say "I will never ever find what I want" and you can say "He will never, ever give you what you want" but how does anyone know what lies ahead really? They don't.

 

I guess it's about what we choose to believe and that's where I'm being stubborn and going down with the ship...I refuse to choose otherwise even though I wish I could just decide I will be happy without him. And I do have moments where I feel that ...most of those moments have been when I've started to heal a little with time (hasn't really happened yet this time around) but not enough in time for me to say no to him when he has come back.

 

If I knew for 100% certain that I would find true love without all of this crap with someone else down the line and I would be happy, even if it was years from now, I think I could make that choice to never talk to him again. But it's the grey uncertainty that makes me hold on.

 

Again, this is how I'm feeling right now, this minute. I will have better days.

[georgia girl]

Crushing Hope,

 

You are right, I can’t make any guarantees. But, I was a 43-year-old first time bride, so I know of what I speak. I had to let go of my push/pull commitment-phone boyfriend of four years before I found my husband and I was certain I wouldn’t ever have a date let alone fall in love again. But, I was better off single and my prospects for finding love were also better if I was single. So, I dumped him. It took every ounce of energy I had to walk away. I literally collapsed on the top of the stairs at my house and almost fell down the stairs when I fainted.

 

After I got out, I spent a lot of time making peace with the fact that I would be single for the rest of my life. Then, for my 40th birthday, my girlfriend talked me into giving myself an online dating subscription. Within two months, I met my husband and five years later, he is still far and away the love of my life.

 

You are not giving yourself or your dreams a chance. It takes courage to walk away, but what do you really have to lose?

[CrushingHope]

Crushing Hope,

 

You are right, I can’t make any guarantees. But, I was a 43-year-old first time bride, so I know of what I speak. I had to let go of my push/pull commitment-phone boyfriend of four years before I found my husband and I was certain I wouldn’t ever have a date let alone fall in love again. But, I was better off single and my prospects for finding love were also better if I was single. So, I dumped him. It took every ounce of energy I had to walk away. I literally collapsed on the top of the stairs at my house and almost fell down the stairs when I fainted.

 

After I got out, I spent a lot of time making peace with the fact that I would be single for the rest of my life. Then, for my 40th birthday, my girlfriend talked me into giving myself an online dating subscription. Within two months, I met my husband and five years later, he is still far and away the love of my life.

 

You are not giving yourself or your dreams a chance. It takes courage to walk away, but what do you really have to lose?

 

Your story does give me hope. I just don't believe it will happen for me. I did online dating for over ten years with no real luck. I am 43 now and don't see myself as an attractive woman anymore. And with all of this that has happened, I feel even worse.

 

I came for a walk on the beach by my house. And all I can think about is how much nicer it would be with someone special to share it with.

 

I guess I just feel sorry for myself. Pity party that I can't seem to end. I know it's not good. I just want to feel better.

[georgia girl]

CH,

 

I am glad I gave you hope but not because it’s a false one. When we are in such a negative mindset, it can be hard to see anything resembling hope as being possible, let alone probable. My scenario was not dissimilar to yours. I had committed to someone who failed me. Maybe not in the same way, but in a very soul-destroying way. I wasn’t actually competing with anyone... it was just me he couldn’t pick.

 

And I also felt undesirable. Youth had passed me by. I didn’t know how to meet anyone new and I called online dating “1-800-stalk me”. When I met my husband, I was afraid to believe in love. Then, we had a major life event happen and we realized we not only loved each other but we need each other in a very profound way.

 

What you can’t see right now is that your probable is probable. It IS actually easy to meet someone new. And you DO get to be picky - picky is really good - and you can have absolutely everything you want. But you have to choose yourself first. I have to say, I was truly just fine by myself when I met my husband. Not needing him to complete me meant that we met as equals, we gave and took as peers and we fell in love as partners.

 

The final note to my story? It hasn’t been written yet but I am enjoying each chapter. I want that for you as well.

[BaileyB]

I could not agree more with georgiagirl.

Edited June 17, 2018 by BaileyB

[CrushingHope]

CH,

 

I am glad I gave you hope but not because it’s a false one. When we are in such a negative mindset, it can be hard to see anything resembling hope as being possible, let alone probable. My scenario was not dissimilar to yours. I had committed to someone who failed me. Maybe not in the same way, but in a very soul-destroying way. I wasn’t actually competing with anyone... it was just me he couldn’t pick.

 

And I also felt undesirable. Youth had passed me by. I didn’t know how to meet anyone new and I called online dating “1-800-stalk me”. When I met my husband, I was afraid to believe in love. Then, we had a major life event happen and we realized we not only loved each other but we need each other in a very profound way.

 

What you can’t see right now is that your probable is probable. It IS actually easy to meet someone new. And you DO get to be picky - picky is really good - and you can have absolutely everything you want. But you have to choose yourself first. I have to say, I was truly just fine by myself when I met my husband. Not needing him to complete me meant that we met as equals, we gave and took as peers and we fell in love as partners.

 

The final note to my story? It hasn’t been written yet but I am enjoying each chapter. I want that for you as well.

 

Thank you, GG. As I sit here reading this, I am crying again. Not because I'm feeling sorry for myself but for the kindness that you are showing me. I know I'm a good person but for so long now I have felt that because I'm not someone's "number 1", it means I am not worthy of being happy or something.

 

To have complete strangers offer me such kind words and support and advice is so touching and important for me right now.

 

I wish I could have you all over for dinner and get to know you.

 

I am happy that things have worked out for you and that you're here to share your story with people who are struggling. That says so much about you and I am so grateful.

[CrushingHope]

I could not agree more with georgiagirl.

 

I have spent many years alone and most of the years were fine. I wouldn't say I was happy or fully content but I wasn't crying every day and I wasn't holding onto the wrong person. I was okay letting certain men out of my life...this one has been a real challenge, obviously.

 

I would love to be able to find friends here who are living life similarly to me...not married and no kids. I need to find my posse. I had so many people to hang out with in Toronto and I think the emptiness here is causing my heartache to be more severe.

 

I do hope to be myself again one day.

 

I will continue to write here and be honest and open with how am I doing. It helps me to get things out and to talk to people who seem to really care about this stranger. it's really lovely.

[BaileyB]

I have spent many years alone and most of the years were fine. I wouldn't say I was happy or fully content but I wasn't crying every day and I wasn't holding onto the wrong person. I was okay letting certain men out of my life...this one has been a real challenge, obviously.

 

I would love to be able to find friends here who are living life similarly to me...not married and no kids. I need to find my posse. I had so many people to hang out with in Toronto and I think the emptiness here is causing my heartache to be more severe.

 

I do hope to be myself again one day.

 

I will continue to write here and be honest and open with how am I doing. It helps me to get things out and to talk to people who seem to really care about this stranger. it's really lovely.

 

I hear you. It's hard, when you are single and everyone else is married or busy raising children. Many of my friends were married and having children when I was single. I would agree that your isolation does not help with your current situation.

 

Just curious, are you still in southern Ontario?

[CrushingHope]

I hear you. It's hard, when you are single and everyone else is married or busy raising children. Many of my friends were married and having children when I was single. I would agree that your isolation does not help with your current situation.

 

Just curious, are you still in southern Ontario?

 

Yeah I'm definitely finding it a challenge. Not only do all of my friends here have husbands and families, 3 of my best friends (who live all over Canada now) are pregnant for the first time and all due within a few weeks of each other. I just feel left so completely left out. I think part of my wanting to hold onto this guy, too, was just so I could feel like I wasn't a complete failure and that I could finally bring someone to the get togethers and the weddings etc. When I was with him, my friend got married and of course the invitations had already been RSVPd etc so he couldn't come to the wedding. He was invited to come to the reception but he had to work at 7am the next day and the wedding was 2 hours away, so he wasn't going to come...and he surprised me there that night...didn't tell me he was coming and he just walked in. I was so happy. When we were dancing, my friend told me she was jealous of how in love we looked and the way he looked at me. It's hard for me to accept that that was "fake".

 

It's those kinds of memories that make this so hard.

 

Yes, I'm living in Ottawa now.

[FMW]

You don't have to accept that it was fake, you can believe it was real.

 

But what you do need to accept is that regardless of what he feels for you, he's choosing to be with someone else. You'll never know why. And yes, that is really hard and makes no sense, but there it is. I know MM loves me, I see it in his eyes, I feel it. But what keeps him in his marriage is stronger than all of that. I don't get it, but it's the reality.

 

I'm 53, so believe me when I say your "attractive woman" phase is not over! Sometimes when I'm feeling the worst about how I look I get attention and interest from a guy or even more than one out of the blue. And I feel confident at some point I will have a great connection with someone else, it just takes time. Part of my issue was not thinking I had it in me to really feel so in love, so I'm grateful that now I know it's possible. And now I know the red flags to watch out for as well!

 

The problem is not that you won't get the attention it is that you won't be open to it when it's there, and because if you are feeling insecure and sad it seems to be an invisible wall keeping men away. Smiling and talking to people, even strangers, men and women, has an amazing way of changing how others respond to you. And it just makes you feel better about yourself as well.

 

But of course that's to keep in mind for later, I know you are still coming to terms with things right now. Just don't for one moment think there's not something and someone great out there for you.

[CrushingHope]

You don't have to accept that it was fake, you can believe it was real.

 

But what you do need to accept is that regardless of what he feels for you, he's choosing to be with someone else. You'll never know why. And yes, that is really hard and makes no sense, but there it is. I know MM loves me, I see it in his eyes, I feel it. But what keeps him in his marriage is stronger than all of that. I don't get it, but it's the reality.

 

I'm 53, so believe me when I say your "attractive woman" phase is not over! Sometimes when I'm feeling the worst about how I look I get attention and interest from a guy or even more than one out of the blue. And I feel confident at some point I will have a great connection with someone else, it just takes time. Part of my issue was not thinking I had it in me to really feel so in love, so I'm grateful that now I know it's possible. And now I know the red flags to watch out for as well!

 

The problem is not that you won't get the attention it is that you won't be open to it when it's there, and because if you are feeling insecure and sad it seems to be an invisible wall keeping men away. Smiling and talking to people, even strangers, men and women, has an amazing way of changing how others respond to you. And it just makes you feel better about yourself as well.

 

But of course that's to keep in mind for later, I know you are still coming to terms with things right now. Just don't for one moment think there's not something and someone great out there for you.

 

I guess I'm having a hard time seeing things as black and white with his "choosing her". He has left her many, many times....part of me thinks this ring is his way of making a more solid commitment and that he will stay there for good now, and the other part of me knows how miserable he becomes in their relationship, how many times he's left her and that this ring can't possibly fix their issues and he will eventually leave again.

 

But I know that's not what I 'should' be concentrating on.

 

I don't know how to bring myself to believe that there's anyone else for me. I just don't. I guess I need to try to accept that there isn't and that I have to find a way to be at peace with that. I just don't know what that is either.

 

The weekends are hardest. I'm definitely wallowing and unable to get out of my head.

 

A friend of mine, many years ago, was broken up with a few months before her wedding. She was devastated but then suddenly everything changed. She decided that if he wanted to leave, fine, but that didn't mean she wasn't going to get the things she wanted in life. She turned to online dating (this is when it was brand new) and went on date after date until she found the man she would end up marrying the following year or so. She just saw it like a goal to reach. It seemed so unromantic to me, but she got exactly what she wanted in the end.

 

I wish I could be more like that. But I simply would not do that. I have far too many insecurities for online dating.

[BaileyB]

I get it. I really do because I felt that way for a really long time...

 

Now, I have a significant other who isn't always happy to come along to my many family gatherings and evenings with friends. His circle is much smaller than mine and he finds it a little overwhelming. So, I feel like I've traded one problem for another.

 

I'm going to be in Ottawa for a few days in about a month. My first trip to Ottawa, I'm really excited for the trip. I love to travel, but the purpose of this trip is to meet my partner's mother... I'm one province over from you, in Winnipeg.

[FMW]

I'm with you on online dating! I have zero interest in dating just to date anyway.

 

I do get out on the weekends, my thing is live music and I'm blessed to be in an area that is rich in opportunities and local talent. I have developed friendships with many musicians (MM is a musician as well) and it is something I love, helps bring me up when I'm feeling low. Do you have interests or a hobby that could do the same for you, give you somewhere to go and opportunities to interact and connect with people with similar interests?

 

From what he says and what I can see my MM is not happy and even miserable at times in his marriage. It still doesn't matter - he has reasons for staying and I've accepted that I will never get it. He tells me he knows he would be happier with me, but again, he stays where he is. I left my unhappy marriage after 23 years so it's extra hard for me to understand someone who chooses to stay. But I have accepted it, my understanding or not has no impact on the reality.

 

Your guy has his reasons for being with his fiance too, no matter how miserable he is at times. I think, understandably, you just can't accept it because it doesn't make sense to you. But he has his reasons, his motivations, and at some point hopefully you'll realize that. And again, bottom line, he is with her, and it seems like has been most of the time, even though there have been short periods where he came to you. I know you say that other people report that they are miserable together, but the truth is that no one but the two people in a relationship truly know what's going on in that relationship. Maybe they fight, yell, say nasty things to and about each other. But that still doesn't tell you everything. As long as they choose to keep coming back to each other it just doesn't matter.

 

There are things in life we will never understand - accepting this in this situation is the first step for you. As long as you keep trying to reason out the situation logically you are going to stay stuck.

[CrushingHope]

I get it. I really do because I felt that way for a really long time...

 

Now, I have a significant other who isn't always happy to come along to my many family gatherings and evenings with friends. His circle is much smaller than mine and he finds it a little overwhelming. So, I feel like I've traded one problem for another.

 

I'm going to be in Ottawa for a few days in about a month. My first trip to Ottawa, I'm really excited for the trip. I love to travel, but the purpose of this trip is to meet my partner's mother... I'm one province over from you, in Winnipeg.

 

I would happily swap problems with you, Bailey. I'm very happy to hear that you've found someone you're happy with. I can't even begin to imagine what that feels like.

 

Wow, you're coming to Ottawa for the first time! It's a lovely city. I'm sure you'll enjoy your visit. Will you be staying downtown or more in the suburbs?

[CrushingHope]

I'm with you on online dating! I have zero interest in dating just to date anyway.

 

I do get out on the weekends, my thing is live music and I'm blessed to be in an area that is rich in opportunities and local talent. I have developed friendships with many musicians (MM is a musician as well) and it is something I love, helps bring me up when I'm feeling low. Do you have interests or a hobby that could do the same for you, give you somewhere to go and opportunities to interact and connect with people with similar interests?

 

From what he says and what I can see my MM is not happy and even miserable at times in his marriage. It still doesn't matter - he has reasons for staying and I've accepted that I will never get it. He tells me he knows he would be happier with me, but again, he stays where he is. I left my unhappy marriage after 23 years so it's extra hard for me to understand someone who chooses to stay. But I have accepted it, my understanding or not has no impact on the reality.

 

Your guy has his reasons for being with his fiance too, no matter how miserable he is at times. I think, understandably, you just can't accept it because it doesn't make sense to you. But he has his reasons, his motivations, and at some point hopefully you'll realize that. And again, bottom line, he is with her, and it seems like has been most of the time, even though there have been short periods where he came to you. I know you say that other people report that they are miserable together, but the truth is that no one but the two people in a relationship truly know what's going on in that relationship. Maybe they fight, yell, say nasty things to and about each other. But that still doesn't tell you everything. As long as they choose to keep coming back to each other it just doesn't matter.

 

There are things in life we will never understand - accepting this in this situation is the first step for you. As long as you keep trying to reason out the situation logically you are going to stay stuck.

 

You are definitely right. My need for answers and to make sense of the situation keeps me here. This has been a problem for me my whole life. I think I mentioned before on this thread that a teacher of mine told me that my biggest hurdle in life will be my need for answers and that I can't possibly know the answers to everything I question. I have taken that with me along this break-up but I can't seem to stop. It's like I'm trying to find logic in a situation that is not logical concerning people who are not logical or "normal". That just keeps me going around in circles.

 

I can sort of understand why he goes back though, whether I'm right or not. I absolutely believe he becomes so miserable that he wants to leave (he has said "some days I want to drive down a dirt road and never come back")...and then he gets the courage to leave, but it's always impulsive with no planning, and then when he does it (especially this time because he had to move to a different city where he was basically alone...which he has not been for over 20 years), he panics and decides it wasn't that bad there and it's better than going through the discomfort of starting new.

 

Of course I don't know that for sure, but I'm guessing I'm close. I do believe he cares about her, but I don't think it's that he's madly in love with her or anything. As we've seen, he is exceptionally selfish...true love is not selfish. I don't believe he's capable of it. He uses people for what he needs at the time.

 

Not quite the description of a person that feels good enough for me but I'm essentially doing the same thing...being with him feels easier than the discomfort of not being with him, so I keep taking him back.

 

FMW, what is your current situation with your MM? I don't know many details...

[BaileyB]

Wow, you're coming to Ottawa for the first time! It's a lovely city. I'm sure you'll enjoy your visit. Will you be staying downtown or more in the suburbs?

 

His family lives in the suburbs. But, we are planning to get a hotel and stay downtown one night. I've heard that there are some nice restaurants and bars in Byward market. We won't have long in the city, but we definitely plan to go downtown and walk around the parliament buildings, take a boat cruise down the Rideau Canal. It's hard, because they have been so many times and done everything that there is to do. Any other suggestions?

[BaileyB]

I would happily swap problems with you, Bailey. I'm very happy to hear that you've found someone you're happy with. I can't even begin to imagine what that feels like.

 

I know. You deserve to find someone who loves you and I hope that you find it someday soon.

[CrushingHope]

His family lives in the suburbs. But, we are planning to get a hotel and stay downtown one night. I've heard that there are some nice restaurants and bars in Byward market. We won't have long in the city, but we definitely plan to go downtown and walk around the parliament buildings, take a boat cruise down the Rideau Canal. It's hard, because they have been so many times and done everything that there is to do. Any other suggestions?

 

The Byward Market is very nice in the summer and the boat cruise sounds lovely. If it's not too hot, Gatineau park is always nice and the little town of Aylmer on the Quebec side is very quaint, and perhaps something your SO and his mom haven't done before or very often. You'd have to drive there of course but if you have another day to spend, it might be a consideration to go over to the Quebec side (it's only about a 15 min drive from downtown...maybe 20-30 to get into Aylmer, depending the weekend traffic etc).

[CrushingHope]

I know. You deserve to find someone who loves you and I hope that you find it someday soon.

 

If I do, you'll get an invite to the wedding

[FMW]

FMW, what is your current situation with your MM? I don't know many details...

 

We still get together once a week or so and spend afternoons or even full days together. I go to his music gigs and hear him play. We are still intimately involved but I am working really hard on having him in my life but not the focus . I'm confident (I don't know why) that at some point I will move on to a healthy relationship with someone who is fully available. And if someone comes along right now I won't avoid it (and I would then end the intimate relationship with MM and just be friends, which we have discussed).

 

But remember, I'm older than you and I'm at the point in life where things start to take a sharper focus, all the unimportant stuff starts to fall to the side and you care less about what other people think. I have a thread going over all the details, MM has cancer that will at some point end his life, so that also probably plays into things on both sides. I don't want to regret cutting him out of my life, and he's understandably not willing to rock his world any further. A close friend was diagnosed with the same kind of cancer about 6 weeks ago and died a week ago at the age of 58 - so he only got 5 weeks after he found out, for MM it's been 2 years now. It's shaken us both back to the reality that we don't know how much longer the treatments will keep things at bay for him, he's been very fortunate so far.

 

Obviously our situations are different, but maybe take from story that life is short and we need to be happy while we have that life. Your situation is making you so very unhappy, I truly hope you find the answer that will change that. And it seems clear to me that in your situation you need to cut ties with your guy.

 

BTW, your posts with BaileyB are probably exactly what you need to be doing right now - all about the beauty and fun in the world!

[CrushingHope]

We still get together once a week or so and spend afternoons or even full days together. I go to his music gigs and hear him play. We are still intimately involved but I am working really hard on having him in my life but not the focus . I'm confident (I don't know why) that at some point I will move on to a healthy relationship with someone who is fully available. And if someone comes along right now I won't avoid it (and I would then end the intimate relationship with MM and just be friends, which we have discussed).

 

But remember, I'm older than you and I'm at the point in life where things start to take a sharper focus, all the unimportant stuff starts to fall to the side and you care less about what other people think. I have a thread going over all the details, MM has cancer that will at some point end his life, so that also probably plays into things on both sides. I don't want to regret cutting him out of my life, and he's understandably not willing to rock his world any further. A close friend was diagnosed with the same kind of cancer about 6 weeks ago and died a week ago at the age of 58 - so he only got 5 weeks after he found out, for MM it's been 2 years now. It's shaken us both back to the reality that we don't know how much longer the treatments will keep things at bay for him, he's been very fortunate so far.

 

Obviously our situations are different, but maybe take from story that life is short and we need to be happy while we have that life. Your situation is making you so very unhappy, I truly hope you find the answer that will change that. And it seems clear to me that in your situation you need to cut ties with your guy.

 

BTW, your posts with BaileyB are probably exactly what you need to be doing right now - all about the beauty and fun in the world!

 

Wow, you're definitely in a very tough situation. Do you really think you would be able to just be friends with him though? I don't know. I feel like that would be impossible.

 

Is he very sick right now with his cancer?

 

I do understand that life is short. I try so hard to remind myself of that every day. Last night I was watching videos on assisted suicide...not very uplifting to watch of course but it helps me stress to myself that life has to be lived now...that anything could happen at any second. It helps sometimes, and other times not really.

 

I have been trying to do some of things like what I mentioned to Bailey. I went to the little town of Aylmer yesterday (it's very close to where I live) and walked around and sat on the pier. But it is excruciating to be surrounded by people who are laughing and in groups or couples, holding hands, looking happy and I'm sitting there on a rock crying. Meanwhile I know my ex isn't crying for me. Maybe he thinks about me here and there...maybe even daily...I couldn't see how he could just shut everything about me off...but i'm not on his list of priorities in any way. And I'm sitting there crying over him, wishing he was there with me, even after the pain he's caused me.

 

It's not normal. I'm really not a healthy person right now.

 

This afternoon I'm going to my dad's GFs cottage to celebrate Father's Day. I am glad to be getting out, but again, just feeling so low and I really don't want to go. But I will.

Edited June 17, 2018 by CrushingHope

[FMW]

Enjoy being with your dad on this special day! Be truly mindful and grateful you have his love and presence in your life, that should help you feel blessed! I had an awesome dad and I know I was truly fortunate. I lost him 2 years ago but he'll always be such a big part of me.

 

Being out in nature is very healing, while at the same time does tend to highlight any loneliness you're feeling. But the healing should eventually win out, so keep getting out there.

 

MM is not obviously sick at this point, very active athletically and musically, but he he does sometimes have trouble keeping his weight up and gets tired more easily than he used to, most likely from the ongoing treatments that keep things in check for now. But he's doing phenomenally well given the situation.

 

About being just friends? I'll always want more, I won't lie. I'll always love him. But I want to be sexually monogamous, so if someone comes along that I want to be fully involved with, I'll have to end that part of the relationship with MM. But it won't just be anyone, it will have to be a special connection, so I don't expect that to happen anytime soon. Not a great answer, I know, but that's where it stands.

[CrushingHope]

I'm trying not to talk about it so much and I'm trying not to come here to vent/get it out/talk. But here I am.

 

I just keep going over everything over and over in my head. From day 1.

 

I was at my dad's GF's cottage yesterday and more memories of him come back. I was there 2 summers ago when he had just left me for the first time to go back to her and the day I arrived at the cottage, he had started reaching out again. I remember how excited I was at the time to hear from him and to hear him say all the things that I had wanted to hear...and still long to hear 2 years later even after I've heard it before, 4 times.

 

I'm in a loop. I was in a loop I should say. I don't think I'll ever hear from him again, and although everyone knows that's the best thing for me, it really doesn't feel like it when I'm sitting here thinking about him and missing him.

 

I know I'm a broken record.

Edited June 19, 2018 by CrushingHope

[CantTakeMySmile]

I'm trying not to talk about it so much and I'm trying not to come here to vent/get it out/talk. But here I am.

 

I just keep going over everything over and over in my head. From day 1.

 

I was at my dad's GF's cottage yesterday and more memories of him come back. I was there 2 summers ago when he had just left me for the first time to go back to her and the day I arrived at the cottage, he had started reaching out again. I remember how excited I was at the time to hear from him and to hear him say all the things that I had wanted to hear...and still long to hear 2 years later even after I've heard it before, 4 times.

 

I'm in a loop. I was in a loop I should say. I don't think I'll ever hear from him again, and although everyone knows that's the best thing for me, it really doesn't feel like it when I'm sitting here thinking about him and missing him.

 

I know I'm a broken record.

 

I only offer this, not for Solution but as an immediate

[CrushingHope]

I only offer this, not for Solution but as an immediate

 

CTMS, i think something happened with your post...