From GF to OW

[BaileyB]

I'm trying not to talk about it so much and I'm trying not to come here to vent/get it out/talk. But here I am.

 

I just keep going over everything over and over in my head. From day 1.

 

I was at my dad's GF's cottage yesterday and more memories of him come back. I was there 2 summers ago when he had just left me for the first time to go back to her and the day I arrived at the cottage, he had started reaching out again. I remember how excited I was at the time to hear from him and to hear him say all the things that I had wanted to hear...and still long to hear 2 years later even after I've heard it before, 4 times.

 

I'm in a loop. I was in a loop I should say. I don't think I'll ever hear from him again, and although everyone knows that's the best thing for me, it really doesn't feel like it when I'm sitting here thinking about him and missing him.

 

I know I'm a broken record.

 

Hugs to you.

[LoverOfDance]

CrushingHope, my God, it really saddens me that you are still dealing with this situation. I don't know if i said this before but I myself fell madly in love/infatuated/obsessed (whatever you want to call it) with a man i couldn't have. I dealt with these feelings for 5 years and to be honest i still feel for him but it's not the same. I genuinely have no desire to date him now. I would never wish those unrequited feelings on my worst enemy.

 

One of the things that helped me during those difficult times was actually online dating. Honestly, even if you're not necessarily ready to find someone new, do it just to remind yourself that there are TONNES of other men out there who are MUCH MORE DESIRABLE than this man you can't seem to get out of your head. Start checking guys out, both online and on the street. Talk to as many men as possible. It doesn't have to be serious, just do it for fun. There are so many AMAZING men out there. Believe me. You just have to open your eyes and see it.

 

You'll make it through this. We are here for you.

[CrushingHope]

CrushingHope, my God, it really saddens me that you are still dealing with this situation. I don't know if i said this before but I myself fell madly in love/infatuated/obsessed (whatever you want to call it) with a man i couldn't have. I dealt with these feelings for 5 years and to be honest i still feel for him but it's not the same. I genuinely have no desire to date him now. I would never wish those unrequited feelings on my worst enemy.

 

One of the things that helped me during those difficult times was actually online dating. Honestly, even if you're not necessarily ready to find someone new, do it just to remind yourself that there are TONNES of other men out there who are MUCH MORE DESIRABLE than this man you can't seem to get out of your head. Start checking guys out, both online and on the street. Talk to as many men as possible. It doesn't have to be serious, just do it for fun. There are so many AMAZING men out there. Believe me. You just have to open your eyes and see it.

 

You'll make it through this. We are here for you.

 

Thank you loverofdance,

 

I have absolutely no desire to do online dating... I hate it more than anything. I did it for ten years and it was awful for me. I understand that it works for a lot of people. I'm just not the kind of person it's meant for.

 

I wish I felt differently. I tried to be open with it for so long. But I really never enjoyed it or really anyone I met. It was full of liars and people who only wanted a hook up or people who were either too good looking or really unattractive. I found it very hard to meet good people.

 

Anyway. I guess it's just not for me.

[CrushingHope]

A month or so before he came back this last time, I did try online dating again. I talked to a few guys. It was not fun for me. I even went on a date. I wasn't ready and the whole drive home I just cried. The rest of the guys who "seemed so nice" sent unsolicited d*ck pics, and were clearly not looking for the same thing as me even though they were very convincing. One guy even asked if I would urinate in a glass for him to drink!

 

I have tons of terrible experiences from online dating. Makes me never want me to do it again.

[LoverOfDance]

LOOL, I literally have experienced those things too and I'm not exaggerating when I say i've experienced worse. Once, I met up with a guy. When I got into his car hoping to just talk to him or maybe go out, he told me he had been watching porn all day, started begging for sex. I tried to leave but he wouldn't let me. Just kept begging. It was pretty scary. I got out of the car, ran and never looked back. There are so MANY strange men out there. BUTTT there are good ones too. Unfortunately they are very hard to find.

 

You just have to be really careful with the online dating thing and learn to spot the creeps quickly. Considering your situation right now, I wouldn't advise you to look for a relationship. Just talk to guys. Use it as a distraction. If you find someone who seems nice, let him know that you are not looking for anything serious and that you are just chatting and going with the flow for now. Just relax. Anything that makes you smile right now, do it. Stay away from anything that reminds you of him or anything that doesn't bring you peace or happiness.

 

 

If you can't handle online dating, go to a bar, a book store, anywhere you can strike up a conversation and just chat with guys. The point is to distract yourself. You literally have nothing to lose. If anything, you could make some great new friends. You never know what you might find. You just need to get out there.

[CrushingHope]

LOOL, I literally have experienced those things too and I'm not exaggerating when I say i've experienced worse. Once, I met up with a guy. When I got into his car hoping to just talk to him or maybe go out, he told me he had been watching porn all day, started begging for sex. I tried to leave but he wouldn't let me. Just kept begging. It was pretty scary. I got out of the car, ran and never looked back. There are so MANY strange men out there. BUTTT there are good ones too. Unfortunately they are very hard to find.

 

You just have to be really careful with the online dating thing and learn to spot the creeps quickly. Considering your situation right now, I wouldn't advise you to look for a relationship. Just talk to guys. Use it as a distraction. If you find someone who seems nice, let him know that you are not looking for anything serious and that you are just chatting and going with the flow for now. Just relax. Anything that makes you smile right now, do it. Stay away from anything that reminds you of him or anything that doesn't bring you peace or happiness.

 

 

If you can't handle online dating, go to a bar, a book store, anywhere you can strike up a conversation and just chat with guys. The point is to distract yourself. You literally have nothing to lose. If anything, you could make some great new friends. You never know what you might find. You just need to get out there.

 

Ugh that's a terrible story! I have so many too. I know it takes time to weed them out and stuff I really have no interest whatsoever. Maybe that will change.

 

I don't see myself going to a bar alone either lol. I guess I'm not great at leaving my comfort zone in certain ways. When you are lacking all self-esteem, it feels impossible to do anything. I know I have to do something different than what I'm doing. I just don't know what because nothing appeals to me.

[brokenandhopeless]

CrushingHope, you know that I am also going through depression. However, the last 4 weeks, I am on a low dose anti-depressant and slowly starting to get a tad interested in doing things other than just thinking constantly about MM. I also cry less now. May be you want to try that for a bit to get your interest in other things in life?

[CrushingHope]

CrushingHope, you know that I am also going through depression. However, the last 4 weeks, I am on a low dose anti-depressant and slowly starting to get a tad interested in doing things other than just thinking constantly about MM. I also cry less now. May be you want to try that for a bit to get your interest in other things in life?

 

I have taken it into consideration but I don't think it's something I'm willing to try right now. I also don't have a doctor or even a health card yet so it's not even possible unless I pay for a doc visit which I'm not prepared to do.

 

I do feel mildly better in many ways. I have been down this road before and know that I just need time to pull myself out. It might take some time but I know I'll get there.

 

I'm not 100% against the idea but just not ready to try meds. I have strong hesitation and I'm going to listen to that part of me for now.

 

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better.

[CrushingHope]

I don't know how to feel better about my life.

 

I'm sitting at work with a bunch of people I don't know well yet. They are chatting idly about their weekend plans and their kids and families, husbands and wives etc and I just feel so left out of the world. So insignificant. Nothing of value to add to the conversation. I listen and ask questions to find more out about them but have nothing to contribute.

 

My relationship with this man along with nursing school was all I talked about to people for 2 years. And now I have nothing.

 

I feel like a waste of space.

[Zahara]

I don't know how to feel better about my life.

 

I'm sitting at work with a bunch of people I don't know well yet. They are chatting idly about their weekend plans and their kids and families, husbands and wives etc and I just feel so left out of the world. So insignificant. Nothing of value to add to the conversation. I listen and ask questions to find more out about them but have nothing to contribute.

 

My relationship with this man along with nursing school was all I talked about to people for 2 years. And now I have nothing.

 

I feel like a waste of space.

 

You're not a waste of space. This is where you face that void and rediscover yourself.

 

Aside from nursing school and that man -- do you have any goals you'd like to accomplish? Do you have a talent/skill that you've allowed to go to the wayside? Do you want to learn a language? Is there a place you've wanted to travel to? Is there a non-profit or cause you'd like to volunteer with? Is there a class you'd like to take?

 

What were you excited about before you met him? Did you feel empty then?

 

Get in touch with your individuality. You've placed all your value in his hands.

[BaileyB]

I hear you, it is hard to have those conversations when you have so little in common.

 

You have been given good advice... you will have more to contribute when you set some new goals and reinvest in your life. Pick up a new hobby, joint a social club, travel somewhere new... these are things you can share with coworkers, rather than focusing on “what’s missing.”

 

And not that you need a man in your life because you are worthy in and of yourself, but when you do meet a nice, available man... well, you will have more to share then too.

 

I would suggest that you think of your life in chapters. There was a chapter with this man, now the chapter focuses on rebuilding a life that will make YOU happy, and hopefully you will have a leading man come to join you in a future chapter. Life has a funny way of taking you places that you do not plan... if you let it.

[FMW]

I understand your reticence to get on anti-depressants. But an alternative is over the counter mood elevator supplements.

 

I have used 5HTP, an amino acid, and other products containing it along with herbs. I really can tell a difference when I'm going through more difficult periods. Along with dealing with MM (and his terminal diagnosis), I have had several family deaths, including my father, in the past few years along with the death of a good friend just a few weeks ago. Add that to still adjusting to ending my 23 year marriage a few years ago, sometimes I just want to shut the door and hide inside and cry! So I can empathize with deep sadness.

 

The supplements have definitely helped. You can google 5HTP and get the scientific explanation of how it works.

[FMW]

Online dating isn't necessary to meet men in my experience. I have never done it even though several friends have with less than stellar results!

 

I'm 53 and I meet new men fairly regularly, and not just in bars or clubs. Recently I met a man at the storage facility where I have a storage unit We happened to ride up and then back down in the elevator later together and he started a conversation about why I was using the storage facility. As I was driving out of the facility parking garage he flagged me down and handed me his name and number and said to give him a call if I wanted to get together some time and hang out. He was a nice looking guy and 10 years younger than me!

 

What affects your meeting men is how open you are to it. If you are friendly and smile it encourages men to approach you. Also leads to nice conversations with women as well that just make you feel more connected to your world. I know it's hard when you feel so down though. But when you have moments of feeling better, give it a try!

[CrushingHope]

You're not a waste of space. This is where you face that void and rediscover yourself.

 

Aside from nursing school and that man -- do you have any goals you'd like to accomplish? Do you have a talent/skill that you've allowed to go to the wayside? Do you want to learn a language? Is there a place you've wanted to travel to? Is there a non-profit or cause you'd like to volunteer with? Is there a class you'd like to take?

 

What were you excited about before you met him? Did you feel empty then?

 

Get in touch with your individuality. You've placed all your value in his hands.

 

I guess I'm feeling bitter. Angry that I'm going through this and that I can't seem to get myself in a better place.

 

I was empty in certain ways before him but my social life was much better when I lived in Toronto. I am lonely. And isolate myself because I am ashamed of myself and my life and what I look like.

 

I have tons of hobbies that I love but aren't doing these days. They are mostly solitary.

 

I am taking french lessons through work. I'm trying to say yes to more things even when I want to say no. But I don't feel any better.

 

Also a few days ago I developed plantar fasciitis in my heel.. It's excruciatingly painful and I can't do any extra walking until it heals. It's a tiny bit better than a few days ago so hopefully it's on the mend but some people have it for months.

 

I finally got my health card which is good.

 

I guess I just felt like I had something good in my life when I was with him. Even though it didn't turn out to be that great. But it sure felt like it at the time. And I just find myself missing it so much. But I know it's because the rest of my life is so empty.

[CrushingHope]

I hear you, it is hard to have those conversations when you have so little in common.

 

You have been given good advice... you will have more to contribute when you set some new goals and reinvest in your life. Pick up a new hobby, joint a social club, travel somewhere new... these are things you can share with coworkers, rather than focusing on “what’s missing.”

 

And not that you need a man in your life because you are worthy in and of yourself, but when you do meet a nice, available man... well, you will have more to share then too.

 

I would suggest that you think of your life in chapters. There was a chapter with this man, now the chapter focuses on rebuilding a life that will make YOU happy, and hopefully you will have a leading man come to join you in a future chapter. Life has a funny way of taking you places that you do not plan... if you let it.

 

I just wish I could be happy in my chapters. It's like I've been waiting for so long to find the happiness that so many others find so easily. It feels like I can't get there.

 

I have always been open to what life has to offer. I have never followed any plan or insisted that things happen in a specific way by a specific time. But time is running out and I'm still not finding things that make me happy.

 

I know it's likely a problem with me and not the outside world but I honestly don't know what will change things. It all feels pointless and hopeless.

[CrushingHope]

I understand your reticence to get on anti-depressants. But an alternative is over the counter mood elevator supplements.

 

I have used 5HTP, an amino acid, and other products containing it along with herbs. I really can tell a difference when I'm going through more difficult periods. Along with dealing with MM (and his terminal diagnosis), I have had several family deaths, including my father, in the past few years along with the death of a good friend just a few weeks ago. Add that to still adjusting to ending my 23 year marriage a few years ago, sometimes I just want to shut the door and hide inside and cry! So I can empathize with deep sadness.

 

The supplements have definitely helped. You can google 5HTP and get the scientific explanation of how it works.

 

I think I will look into this, thank you.

[BaileyB]

I just felt like I had something good in my life when I was with him. Even though it didn't turn out to be that great. But it sure felt like it at the time. And I just find myself missing it so much. But I know it's because the rest of my life is so empty.

 

It is because the rest of your life is empty right now... This is the depression and lonliness talking.

 

It doesn't really have anything to do with the guy. Sadly, you are romanticizing and seeing only the positive when you think of him... In much the same way that reuniting with an ex looks like a good plan until you do it, and remember why he is an ex again...

[BaileyB]

I just wish I could be happy in my chapters. It's like I've been waiting for so long to find the happiness that so many others find so easily. It feels like I can't get there.

 

I have always been open to what life has to offer. I have never followed any plan or insisted that things happen in a specific way by a specific time. But time is running out and I'm still not finding things that make me happy.

 

I hear you. It's hard not to feel that way when you are single. But, that kind of thinking doesn't get you anywhere... It's self defeating. You have to find a way to keep looking forward, to be hopeful about the future.

 

Here's another quote for you - "Some years are for questions, others are for answers." This year, for you, is about questions. You have to believe that you will find the answer, eventually.

 

The thing is, as hard as it is, you have to find a way to create a life and know that even if a man doesn't come along... You will still be happy. You will still be ok. There is a certain peace, if you can do that.

[stillafool]

Ugh that's a terrible story! I have so many too. I know it takes time to weed them out and stuff I really have no interest whatsoever. Maybe that will change.

 

I don't see myself going to a bar alone either lol. I guess I'm not great at leaving my comfort zone in certain ways. When you are lacking all self-esteem, it feels impossible to do anything. I know I have to do something different than what I'm doing. I just don't know what because nothing appeals to me.

 

What about going out with your girlfriends to a bar or anywhere to get out of the house and start doing something else besides thinking about him? You've got to do something to help yourself. Constantly talking about him is keeping him on your mind also. Redirect your attention.

[stillafool]

I just wish I could be happy in my chapters. It's like I've been waiting for so long to find the happiness that so many others find so easily. It feels like I can't get there.

 

 

You won't find that happiness in a man. It has to come from within you or you'll never be happy.

[CrushingHope]

It is because the rest of your life is empty right now... This is the depression and lonliness talking.

 

It doesn't really have anything to do with the guy. Sadly, you are romanticizing and seeing only the positive when you think of him... In much the same way that reuniting with an ex looks like a good plan until you do it, and remember why he is an ex again...

 

I agree for the most part...that most of what I'm feeling is due to loneliness and emptiness in my life.

 

But I do miss him too...yes, just the good parts, but that's normal I guess.

 

I went out with my work team last night. It was really a fun time. And I was able to enjoy the night. But at the end of the night, on my uber ride home, I was crying again because I just kept thinking that I wish I was coming home to him.

 

I know it says something for my progress that I had a good time when I was out, but crying on the way home shows how far I still have to go, I guess.

[BaileyB]

I’m glad that you went out and had fun. Do you have anything planned for the rest of the weekend?

[CrushingHope]

You won't find that happiness in a man. It has to come from within you or you'll never be happy.

 

I know everyone says that. I don't know if I believe it. Many, many people find happiness through other people. I feel like this "you can only be happy if you're happy with yourself first" is something people say to people who are alone and wanting to find a partner.

 

I'm not saying there is not some truth to it to some degree. I just think true happiness comes to people in so many forms and I would say a majority of people find a huge portion of their happiness from their partners.

[CrushingHope]

What about going out with your girlfriends to a bar or anywhere to get out of the house and start doing something else besides thinking about him? You've got to do something to help yourself. Constantly talking about him is keeping him on your mind also. Redirect your attention.

 

I only talk about him here now for the most part.

 

I don't have friends here to go to bars with. That's part of my problem. I don't know a lot of people here and the ones I do are married with little kids and don't go to bars pretty much ever.

 

I am making a few more "friends" at work and starting to fill my time with things. It's a very slow process to meet people in a new city, especially in your 40s.

[CrushingHope]

I’m glad that you went out and had fun. Do you have anything planned for the rest of the weekend?

 

Thank you Bailey. I don't have anything else planned, no. My dad's GF invited me to the cottage for dinner tonight but I am going to pass. It's their anniversary and my dad had said they were going up alone this weekend (without his GFs dad who needs constant care- he's 96), and it sounded like they were looking forward to the weekend alone. I think her invite was a bit of a pity invite and I don't want to intrude.

 

I don't do well when I don't have plans. But there's not much I can do about it.