From GF to OW

[Crazelnut]

CH, thank you for the update. I can tell you that life does eventually get better. I have been through the same emotional wringer that you have and come out on the other side a better person. But it took a long time after the final dumping (of me by him, not the other way around). Ages of self torment and agony and struggle.

 

I too sense an improvement in you. You can do this. You CAN be happy again. You WILL be happy again. We're so impressed with how far you've already come. Keep at it, girl. You are amazing!

[CrushingHope]

OP, i still think about you from time to time wondering if you're doing better. From your last post, i can see some progress. It might not seem like much but it is actually very significant progress.

 

I want you to know that you don't need to meet a man in order to regain hope and see that life has so much more in store for you. When i was getting over the man i felt hopelessly in love with, i prayed for help and prayed that i would find someone who would help bring joy and light into my life again. Never happened, lol. It took me 5 or 6 years but i eventually moved on all on my own, without the help of a man.

 

OP, you can do this. i truly believe you can. One thing that really helped me a lot was dance. I am hopelessly in love with dance, lol. Find something that lights a fire in you and work hard to be better at it. It will help build your confidence and make you feel like you can take on the entire world. Give yourself a purpose and focus on that purpose. With time you'll slowly heal and life will go on and one day you'll realize that you're free and happy again.

 

Hi LoverOfDance,

Thank you for your message. It helps me to read other people's stories and see that things get better. I still pine for him in my heart. I know I "shouldn't" and that it's holding me back but I can't seem to shut off the feelings. I don't need a man, I know that. I am capable of living a life without one and have for many, many years before him...but I do want it. I want to share my life with someone, to have a partner, and to find love again. I know that might seem weak or pathetic to some, but it's just the way it is.

 

I have many hobbies that I love, but I don't think I have one or will ever have one that makes me feel the way you do about dance. I used to love performing - acting was my favourite thing...and I was in all kinds of shows and musicals and improv theatre but I don't really feel like it's something that's available to me anymore. And I have such little confidence in myself that I wouldn't be able to put myself out there that way anymore.

 

I'm leading a normal life in so many ways, but still feel such sadness inside. And when I was with him, I didn't feel that. I guess that's why I'm chasing the idea of being with someone again. I know there are other ways to find joy and i do find I'm having some nice times again, but it's just not the same. And maybe it never will be. Maybe that's the way it goes for some people...as sad as that seems...

[CrushingHope]

CH, thank you for the update. I can tell you that life does eventually get better. I have been through the same emotional wringer that you have and come out on the other side a better person. But it took a long time after the final dumping (of me by him, not the other way around). Ages of self torment and agony and struggle.

 

I too sense an improvement in you. You can do this. You CAN be happy again. You WILL be happy again. We're so impressed with how far you've already come. Keep at it, girl. You are amazing!

 

Thank you Crazelnut. Your message has got me in tears here. I have improved and I know things will be okay. I just want so much more than okay. I want to have an amazing life and it just feels impossible to achieve and too late. I watch others around me have constant things to celebrate...new relationships, marriage, houses, kids...and i just feel so left out and forgotten about sometimes. This man, for a short time, made me feel alive and visible...special. Of course he stole all of that away time and time again when he left...but I was chasing that feeling over and over.

 

I wish I could be here saying that I am over it all. And all better. I'm definitely a little better...but I don't know how much really, if I'm being honest. I just want so much more for myself.

 

Thank you for the vote of confidence. It was really something I needed to hear today. thank you so very much.

[BaileyB]

I don't need a man, I know that. I am capable of living a life without one and have for many, many years before him...but I do want it. I want to share my life with someone, to have a partner, and to find love again. I know that might seem weak or pathetic to some, but it's just the way it is.

 

Not weak or pathetic, human.

 

You are not wrong to want those things. You just need to find a man who is worthy of your love in return. This man was not the one. Clearly.

 

Glad to hear you are well, my friend.

[Crazelnut]

CH, I was almost 50 when I finally got He Who Shall Not Be Named out of my system. 50! Thought I'd never love again. And guess what I did last year? Got married to an awesome man and built our dream house. Just trust that the good Lord has something better in mind for you than being some loser's back up plan.

[Vivir]

CrushingHope, being okay is better than being on that roller coaster. Okay is stability. Stability is good.

 

As for celebrations... I don't have a child or a husband, but I find other things to celebrate. I do have a house (that I don't actually love as much as I should, go figure), and I celebrated that by purchasing my own housewarming gift. I didn't have a housewarming party.

 

I celebrated one of my co-workers finally being able to transfer to another location by buying him a box of donuts from a shop local to this city.

 

I celebrated finishing a hard week at work by buying myself the most beautiful bouquet of flowers, a bottle of zinfandel (that I gave away), and a small cake.

 

I have even found myself so happy that the sun is shining that I celebrated by going for a walk. Crazy, right?

 

For me, it has always been about the little things. And I usually celebrate in ways that uplift someone else.

 

I know there is something, CrushingHope, there is something you can celebrate... what is it? Think about it and come up with something. Then, tell us about it so we can celebrate with you here

[CrushingHope]

Not weak or pathetic, human.

 

You are not wrong to want those things. You just need to find a man who is worthy of your love in return. This man was not the one. Clearly.

 

Glad to hear you are well, my friend.

 

Thank you Bailey. I want to find someone worthy of me. I hear so often what a great person I am and how people find it hard to believe I am single - someone just said it to me the other day. He said "i find it hard to believe you would have any trouble finding someone"....but I don't believe those same things and when someone I want to be with chooses someone so awful over me, it's very hard to believe I am so wonderful.

[CrushingHope]

CH, I was almost 50 when I finally got He Who Shall Not Be Named out of my system. 50! Thought I'd never love again. And guess what I did last year? Got married to an awesome man and built our dream house. Just trust that the good Lord has something better in mind for you than being some loser's back up plan.

 

Crazelnut, your story gives me hope. How long were you trying to get him out of your system? At what point did you meet the new man?...were you completely over the old one first? Did you date much before you met him?

 

I want to believe there is more for me. People are afraid of many things...spiders, earthquakes, disease...I'm most afraid that the best of my days have passed me by and I will live the rest of my life the way I feel right now...

[CrushingHope]

CrushingHope, being okay is better than being on that roller coaster. Okay is stability. Stability is good.

 

As for celebrations... I don't have a child or a husband, but I find other things to celebrate. I do have a house (that I don't actually love as much as I should, go figure), and I celebrated that by purchasing my own housewarming gift. I didn't have a housewarming party.

 

I celebrated one of my co-workers finally being able to transfer to another location by buying him a box of donuts from a shop local to this city.

 

I celebrated finishing a hard week at work by buying myself the most beautiful bouquet of flowers, a bottle of zinfandel (that I gave away), and a small cake.

 

I have even found myself so happy that the sun is shining that I celebrated by going for a walk. Crazy, right?

 

For me, it has always been about the little things. And I usually celebrate in ways that uplift someone else.

 

I know there is something, CrushingHope, there is something you can celebrate... what is it? Think about it and come up with something. Then, tell us about it so we can celebrate with you here

 

Hi Vivir, Thank you for your lovely message. I have always been someone who found joy in the little things in life...but that seemed to be before I was so badly hurt. It was one of the things he loved about me most, he would say, my appreciation of nature and the most basic things in the world. And although I still find myself looking up at the stars every night looking for Mars or The Pleiades, I still long to be sitting in the back of his truck, wrapped up in a sleeping back and his arms and pointing the constellations out to him rather than looking up at the sky alone as I had for so many years before him. I know how dramatic I sound. I'm a romantic, and when he wasn't walking away from me and back to his toxic life, he filled my days with romance in a way I had never experienced before. It's so hard to let that go.

 

I don't know what to celebrate today. I know there are things...basic things...breath, the arrival of Fall (my favourite season), and my little cat who follows me on walks around the block like a puppy...but they all seem so desperate to me...always searching for something to be grateful for, like I'm doing a homework assignment rather than truly just feeling it the way I used to.

 

I feel like I will never truly be myself again after this...like the experience of it all has crushed my soul so deeply that I will never bring it back to life in the same way again...and because of that, I won't be found by anyone else.

[Jane Deaux]

I don't know what to celebrate today. I know there are things...basic things...breath, the arrival of Fall (my favourite season), and my little cat who follows me on walks around the block like a puppy...but they all seem so desperate to me...always searching for something to be grateful for, like I'm doing a homework assignment rather than truly just feeling it the way I used to.

 

I feel like I will never truly be myself again after this...like the experience of it all has crushed my soul so deeply that I will never bring it back to life in the same way again...and because of that, I won't be found by anyone else.

 

These are the things you have to do until they become real to you again. Just keep on and then one day you will look around and it will be genuine. If you give in and allow yourself to wallow then it will take even longer to find the strength. Getting yourself out and TRYING is the first step. That little cat sounds so cute btw. But feeling like you are faking it is natural. That is why there is actually a quote that speaks on this. "Fake it till you make it!"

Because it is so true. You are doing the right things. One step, one day at a time. Keep on keeping on. And honestly this is so inspiring that you are doing these things. Because it is so hard. So many of us fall into the depression trap and just wallow. So good for you! Very inspiring.

[CrushingHope]

These are the things you have to do until they become real to you again. Just keep on and then one day you will look around and it will be genuine. If you give in and allow yourself to wallow then it will take even longer to find the strength. Getting yourself out and TRYING is the first step. That little cat sounds so cute btw. But feeling like you are faking it is natural. That is why there is actually a quote that speaks on this. "Fake it till you make it!"

Because it is so true. You are doing the right things. One step, one day at a time. Keep on keeping on. And honestly this is so inspiring that you are doing these things. Because it is so hard. So many of us fall into the depression trap and just wallow. So good for you! Very inspiring.

 

Thanks Jane Deaux (i love your name btw)....it's impossible to imagine that I'm inspiring to anyone during all of this because I know what's going on in my head and how I really feel like I haven't taken any steps forward REALLY. I know things are better in the sense that I'm not crying every day still but other than that, I still feel very much the same and sadly I still think I would take him back if I heard from him...which is humiliating to admit. That's how I know I haven't progressed very much.

 

That being said, I don't actually believe in my heart that it would work...I just crave the chance that I never really got. And maybe that's the hardest part of all of this...the chance for us was dangled, like a carrot, in front of my face for 2 years and I never truly got it. He was too set on going back to the sh*t-life that he was comfortable in. It's heart-breaking.

 

But I will keep putting one foot ahead of the other, faking joy, and hope that it leads me somewhere better one day. I refuse to let the circumstantial depression turn into chronic...and I know to avoid that, I have to pretend to keep living normally.

[Jane Deaux]

That is something that makes it difficult for women in these situations. Is knowing we still have the love and not being sure how we would react if they came back. I did eventually get to a place that I knew i wouldn't but I have to say it wasn't soon, or even after I was happy again. I hate to admit that. But even once I was genuinely happy again, i still felt love for him and I can't say what I would have done. I am not in that any longer. I am happy to say that I was able to get to that point BEFORE I found love again. Years before. It took me years to fall in love again.

 

I believe also, KNOWING that they are choosing a life that is mediocre, rather than fulfulling makes it difficult for us to let go as well. We think,

maybe they will realize and come back. (yes, sometimes this is just the truth. There are many reasons an AP may choose a mediocre life or marriage over you. Sometimes the marriage is actually very good and you've just been lied to, but there are circumstances that it really is bad and they choose to stay anyway. Other times it was a bad marriage but they choose to stay and make it better. ... ok. Off that high horse )

 

But yes, I am sure it doesn't feel like much to you, but reading what you are writing, as someone who has been there, I think you are doing so well and really making the effort that is so hard to make. It just takes time. So much time sometimes.

[CrushingHope]

That is something that makes it difficult for women in these situations. Is knowing we still have the love and not being sure how we would react if they came back. I did eventually get to a place that I knew i wouldn't but I have to say it wasn't soon, or even after I was happy again. I hate to admit that. But even once I was genuinely happy again, i still felt love for him and I can't say what I would have done. I am not in that any longer. I am happy to say that I was able to get to that point BEFORE I found love again. Years before. It took me years to fall in love again.

 

I believe also, KNOWING that they are choosing a life that is mediocre, rather than fulfulling makes it difficult for us to let go as well. We think,

maybe they will realize and come back. (yes, sometimes this is just the truth. There are many reasons an AP may choose a mediocre life or marriage over you. Sometimes the marriage is actually very good and you've just been lied to, but there are circumstances that it really is bad and they choose to stay anyway. Other times it was a bad marriage but they choose to stay and make it better. ... ok. Off that high horse )

 

But yes, I am sure it doesn't feel like much to you, but reading what you are writing, as someone who has been there, I think you are doing so well and really making the effort that is so hard to make. It just takes time. So much time sometimes.

 

Yes, I believe I will feel this way for a long time. I've had two other relationships where I was broken up with when I wasn't ready to let them go, and there was definitely an "aha" moment where I knew I was over them...and in BOTH cases, they came back and I ended up saying no to them. But this time, I'm not having the same aha moment. I truly felt like we had so much going for us.

 

Well, I know for a fact that his relationship is bad. But, she is an alcoholic (and he is too, I'm sure, even though he never admitted it to me and swore up and down that he didn't drink...but I know he does...such a long story...but I am certain he is also an alcoholic)...and he goes back because it's safe to him to live that lifestyle. He knows (even told his teenaged son) that life with me is so much better, and won't explain why he goes back over and over, but I know why. He thinks he can only be with me when he's cleaned himself up (gotten his sh*t together as he called it...but wouldn't explain what that meant...I know now), and he can't seem to do it. And that's what makes it so sad to me.

 

I'm trying so hard to see myself without him down the road and being happy without him and with someone else...but it's impossible for me to see that at this point...which is why it feels like the happiest days are behind me. And now I feel destined to live a life of mediocrity because I don't believe I will find better. It makes me so sad.

[Vivir]

CrushingHope, I want you to know that I, too, am somewhere on that same spectrum which you find yourself today. Some days, I am well and happy; others, I am despondent and can't force any motivation. Some days I am genuinely happy without even thinking about it; others, I am seriously beyond angry that I have to fake it til I make it.

 

I feel like I will never truly be myself again after this...like the experience of it all has crushed my soul so deeply that I will never bring it back to life in the same way again...and because of that, I won't be found by anyone else.

 

I am right there with you, actually. Deep down, I feel that if I can't make myself better, or get right, no one will ever be interested in me again... and even if someone is, I won't be able to keep him interested because I will end up sabotaging myself (this has happened to me in the last year). I, too, feel crushed, but at least I don't feel quite as unworthy as I felt several months ago. That feeling of unworthiness is absolutely terrible. But crushed, yes, I am still that.

 

These experiences change us. We won't be exactly the same, but... I think that's OK. We will be better, because we will find our happiness again AND also be armed with the knowledge gained because of our experiences. This knowledge can save us in the future. I honestly believe that.

 

These are the things you have to do until they become real to you again. Just keep on and then one day you will look around and it will be genuine. If you give in and allow yourself to wallow then it will take even longer to find the strength. Getting yourself out and TRYING is the first step.

 

Ultimately, the aforementioned quote by Jane Deaux is how I feel, too. I keep hoping that if I keep doing it, walking forward, putting one foot in front of the other, trying my hardest to be positive and happy, then I will turn out to be that way one day without even trying... and sometimes, it has happened for me... some days, I mean... and if it happens on some days, then I have to believe that it can happen on more days if I keep moving forward.

 

But those feelings are still there. You have to counteract the feelings and the thoughts, CrushingHope. Maybe not today, maybe tomorrow. I admit, I have wallowed A LOT, but eventually, I have found a little strength to keep moving on. I hope you will find that, too. In fact, I know you will find it. Maybe not on your timeline, but at some time you will find it. And you will move on.

 

And maybe that's the hardest part of all of this...the chance for us was dangled, like a carrot, in front of my face for 2 years and I never truly got it.

 

Yes, this happened to me, too. The possibility that we might happen was the carrot that was dangled. I still struggle with the idea that a man loves a woman, knows he loves her, but is upset with her, so thinks it's a good idea to entice another woman with something she is praying for... yet he knows, for the most part, that he will NEVER give it to her. He is playing out scenarios on her time. He is playing with her emotions and her life. He is taking advantage of his wife's trust in him. And he doesn't care. I am struggling with this even to this day. So, I can sympathize with you. And I wish you well, Crushing Hope.

[Jane Deaux]

I remember saying this exact thing to my best friend in 2012. I was wrong and I bet you are too. You will be able to find love again. It may not be soon. Mine wasn't. I ended up separated for years. Then finally divorced. And finally, this year, I met someone. And I feel more love for this person than I ever believed possible. SO MUCH more than for my old xAP. It's almost laughable now what I thought I felt. But I do, I remember telling my best friend, I will never feel this way about anyone again. I know myself and I know I am hard to please. And although I wasn't right, it did take years.

 

It won't be easy but it can happen. Just keep on your path. Right now you are doing the best you can and you will get there. ALL of these feelings are natural and normal.

[CrushingHope]

{snip}

Yes, this happened to me, too. The possibility that we might happen was the carrot that was dangled. I still struggle with the idea that a man loves a woman, knows he loves her, but is upset with her, so thinks it's a good idea to entice another woman with something she is praying for... yet he knows, for the most part, that he will NEVER give it to her. He is playing out scenarios on her time. He is playing with her emotions and her life. He is taking advantage of his wife's trust in him. And he doesn't care. I am struggling with this even to this day. So, I can sympathize with you. And I wish you well, Crushing Hope.

 

Vivir, I would like to hear more about your story. Do you have a thread here somewhere I can read? It does seem as though, sadly, we are in similar situations. I don't wish this on anyone.

 

I admit I have definitely wallowed. I know it's not good or healthy, but I can't seem to help myself...when I start going down that road, it is impossible to turn around. Even though he has been such a coward and has thought only of himself during all of this and for many years before he even knew me, I still look at the good sides of him and know there is someone good in there. I know he wants a different life for himself. But he can't seem to do it, or doesn't want it badly enough.

 

I guess the same could be said for me too. I want a better life but I don't believe it's possible so I sit and pine over him...a feeling that has become comfortable to me, in a way...more comfortable than trying to date again or whatever.

 

I hope things get better for you too. It's so easy for me to say "it will... i know it will...for you"...but for me, it doesn't feel that way. So crazy how we let ourselves think the worst.

Edited September 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CrushingHope]

I remember saying this exact thing to my best friend in 2012. I was wrong and I bet you are too. You will be able to find love again. It may not be soon. Mine wasn't. I ended up separated for years. Then finally divorced. And finally, this year, I met someone. And I feel more love for this person than I ever believed possible. SO MUCH more than for my old xAP. It's almost laughable now what I thought I felt. But I do, I remember telling my best friend, I will never feel this way about anyone again. I know myself and I know I am hard to please. And although I wasn't right, it did take years.

 

It won't be easy but it can happen. Just keep on your path. Right now you are doing the best you can and you will get there. ALL of these feelings are natural and normal.

 

JD, I guess that's what I fear. I'm 43. I don't feel like I have time to meet anyone else. My prime of life has passed me by. If I couldn't find someone then, who will possibly want me now? The pool of available men has shrunk so small that it would be difficult under the best of circumstances, but to heal from this will take a while and then to try to dive into that pool...there will be no one left, it feels.

 

My best friend has told me she will remind me of these thoughts/feelings on my wedding day...that I didn't think I would ever see that day...and that we will have a good laugh/cry.... But sadly, I really, truly don't believe that will happen. I tell her "ok great" so that she believes I'm getting better...but I know I'm not likely to ever believe that.

[BluesPower]

JD, I guess that's what I fear. I'm 43. I don't feel like I have time to meet anyone else. My prime of life has passed me by. If I couldn't find someone then, who will possibly want me now? The pool of available men has shrunk so small that it would be difficult under the best of circumstances, but to heal from this will take a while and then to try to dive into that pool...there will be no one left, it feels.

 

My best friend has told me she will remind me of these thoughts/feelings on my wedding day...that I didn't think I would ever see that day...and that we will have a good laugh/cry.... But sadly, I really, truly don't believe that will happen. I tell her "ok great" so that she believes I'm getting better...but I know I'm not likely to ever believe that.

 

Listen, man here, but try to listen.

 

You are in your prime of you life, somehow your thinking, maybe your age, is skewed.

 

You are actually in your prime. You kids are older, you won't have anymore. You still have your looks.

 

I don't know why you would feel that way. I met my GF at 53, after a string of a bad marriage, yes affairs, and many women.

 

This is the best relationship I have ever been in. I don't think I ever really knew what love actually was until now.

 

I don't know why you feel the things that you feel, but they are not reality.

[Vivir]

CH, you asked if I have any threads that tell my story. I have told bits and pieces all over this forum, but no one thread tells all of it. If you click on my username, you will be taken to a page. From there, if you click on the "statistics" tab, you will find a link to the few threads I have started and all of the posts I have written. I don't want to link to those threads because every time I try, the links seem to be broken

 

I don't feel like I have time to meet anyone else. My prime of life has passed me by. If I couldn't find someone then, who will possibly want me now? The pool of available men has shrunk so small that it would be difficult under the best of circumstances, but to heal from this will take a while and then to try to dive into that pool...there will be no one left, it feels.

 

This concept of Time thing is a real problem for me also. I try very hard not to focus on the idea that I am running out of time and getting older. I would like to share my process with you:

 

I focused on WHY I was so worried about time running out. I determined that I was afraid I would die without reaching certain goals. I wrote down the things I felt I needed to get done so that I could possibly die without regret. It was actually a very short list. I resolved to create smaller goals that I can achieve daily or weekly or monthly in order to meet the larger goals eventually...

 

At the same time, I cannot force anyone to be my friend or romantic partner. I just don't have that power. All I can do is try to make myself more available and put myself out there (when I feel up to it). Sometimes, I don't feel up to it... like you. But sometimes I do... In the meantime, I show myself some compassion and I am my own friend. And I try to treat myself how I would want my significant other to treat me. Sometimes, that makes me feel pathetic, but other times... I feel happy and special.

 

My best friend has told me she will remind me of these thoughts/feelings on my wedding day...that I didn't think I would ever see that day...and that we will have a good laugh/cry.... But sadly, I really, truly don't believe that will happen. I tell her "ok great" so that she believes I'm getting better...but I know I'm not likely to ever believe that.

 

I, too, have a friend who said the exact same thing. This was years ago, long before I participated in an affair. I grew to resent her saying it and I told her that. And she stopped.

 

The fact of the matter is that I probably could've been married today had I made very different choices and/or behaved differently at various times in my life. But I didn't. Furthermore, who is to say that doing something differently or behaving differently would've led to this outcome.??..

 

And then... you and I both... delayed meeting available men who might've been marriage-minded because we engaged in affairs with greedy men who were already involved with someone else... We delayed our own happiness by trying to take a shortcut... well, I did that. You were actually his girlfriend, but when he tried to make you the other woman, that was your cue to cut and run, as you know now. People who love us want the best for us. I know I want the best for the people I love...

 

Anyway, I digress. You may not believe that you will get better, but I will bet you my hard-earned $20 that you will look up one day and realize that you are better... As Life happens and this person becomes relegated to your past, you will move on more and more each day. Even if it takes you ten years (which I hope it won't take that long), you will move on. You will find happiness in your life, somewhere and somehow. You don't have to believe it. We at LS will believe it for you until you catch up

[CrushingHope]

Listen, man here, but try to listen.

 

You are in your prime of you life, somehow your thinking, maybe your age, is skewed.

 

You are actually in your prime. You kids are older, you won't have anymore. You still have your looks.

 

I don't know why you would feel that way. I met my GF at 53, after a string of a bad marriage, yes affairs, and many women.

 

This is the best relationship I have ever been in. I don't think I ever really knew what love actually was until now.

 

I don't know why you feel the things that you feel, but they are not reality.

 

Well I think because you are a man, you can't quite get what I'm feeling. I haven't had kids and now I won't. My prime in that sense is gone. I am saying goodbye to the idea of not having them now and that is difficult to get over if you've wanted them.

 

I'm not saying it's impossible to find someone when your prime is passed, but it really feels like it...when you're starting to age, your looks have faded, you don't have a family of your own...it's tough.

[BluesPower]

Well I think because you are a man, you can't quite get what I'm feeling. I haven't had kids and now I won't. My prime in that sense is gone. I am saying goodbye to the idea of not having them now and that is difficult to get over if you've wanted them.

 

I'm not saying it's impossible to find someone when your prime is passed, but it really feels like it...when you're starting to age, your looks have faded, you don't have a family of your own...it's tough.

 

This is negative self talk... and really you need to stop.

 

I am sorry that you missed having your children or adopting them.

 

It is a very difficult thing for a lot of woman.

 

But that does not change what I said. If you think that all attractive men at your age or a little older are looking for 20 somethings then you would be wrong.

 

A smart man, is actually looking for a grown woman.

 

My GF is 60, and yes we have both had our kids, but our kids don't really affect our relationship than just a family and grandkids point of view. Granted, she is a beauty, but I think she is more beautiful on the inside than the out side. (But yes she is looker even at 60).

 

We are about each other.

 

All I am saying is that you are selling yourself short. Love is out there, and a lot of times it just sneaks up on you, it did on me...

[CrushingHope]

CH, you asked if I have any threads that tell my story. I have told bits and pieces all over this forum, but no one thread tells all of it. If you click on my username, you will be taken to a page. From there, if you click on the "statistics" tab, you will find a link to the few threads I have started and all of the posts I have written. I don't want to link to those threads because every time I try, the links seem to be broken

 

<SNIP>

 

 

 

I read some of your posts, Vivir. Some of what you write is precisely how I feel. I can see why you felt drawn to reply to my post. We are feeling similarly and it breaks my heart for you...almost more so than it does for me because I feel somehow used to this sadness in a way that has become comfortable...but don't wish it on anyone else.

 

I don't think you mentioned your age. May I ask how old you are? I think time starts to become a factor all of a sudden and then it's like it's always one from there on in.

 

I do feel like I'm missing out on getting certain things done in life...but the things I feel that way about are things I long to share with a partner, not things I want to experience alone. I have experienced SO much alone...travel, people's weddings, living in new cities, milestone birhtdays 20th, 30th, 40th, all of the holidays and vacations over the years...alone... i have experienced life alone more than I have with someone else and I feel that is the thing I want more than anything...and I seem to have no control over it.

 

I think of him marrying this woman. Proposing to her only after her finding out that he dated me on and off for two years in between leaving her...he didn't propose out of love. And now I think of them getting married and having the things that I want more than anything...and I know they're not actually happy and I know I wouldn't settle for the life they have...but why do they get to be "happy" and experience life together...and I continue to feel so sad and lonely ? And I am clearly the good guy here. I have been all along...my whole life...I have loved and cared so deeply for so many people. And I am thrown aside. Valueless. This is actually killing me as I write this because I'm so sad.

 

I am grateful to you, Vivir, and the support I've received here...I do feel cared about. And I'm so happy to hear that you have belief that I will be happy again one day...and I look so very forward to catching up to you. I hope I get to share with you one day that I am happy again, and vice versa. I truly wish it for you as well. We deserve that, I know.

Edited September 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CrushingHope]

This is negative self talk... and really you need to stop.

 

I am sorry that you missed having your children or adopting them.

 

It is a very difficult thing for a lot of woman.

 

But that does not change what I said. If you think that all attractive men at your age or a little older are looking for 20 somethings then you would be wrong.

 

A smart man, is actually looking for a grown woman.

 

My GF is 60, and yes we have both had our kids, but our kids don't really affect our relationship than just a family and grandkids point of view. Granted, she is a beauty, but I think she is more beautiful on the inside than the out side. (But yes she is looker even at 60).

 

We are about each other.

 

All I am saying is that you are selling yourself short. Love is out there, and a lot of times it just sneaks up on you, it did on me...

 

Thank you, Blues. I know love can be out there at any age. I just find it hard to believe, with my history, that it will happen for me. Especially being hung up on someone else who is completely not worthy.

 

I just want to be with him or over him. The purgatory is killing me.

[CrushingHope]

This is negative self talk... and really you need to stop.

 

I am sorry that you missed having your children or adopting them.

 

It is a very difficult thing for a lot of woman.

 

But that does not change what I said. If you think that all attractive men at your age or a little older are looking for 20 somethings then you would be wrong.

 

A smart man, is actually looking for a grown woman.

 

My GF is 60, and yes we have both had our kids, but our kids don't really affect our relationship than just a family and grandkids point of view. Granted, she is a beauty, but I think she is more beautiful on the inside than the out side. (But yes she is looker even at 60).

 

We are about each other.

 

All I am saying is that you are selling yourself short. Love is out there, and a lot of times it just sneaks up on you, it did on me...

 

Also, it's not really that I think older guys are looking for younger women...I just don't think the pool is very big in the first place and I don't meet men very easily or even like too many of them very easily...so my chances seem so low.

[ABernie]

I just want to be with him or over him. The purgatory is killing me.

 

That is exactly how I described my situation - purgatory.

 

I'm 44 and I actually feel much more alive/beautiful/together than I did at 34. Whether or not AP and I end up together, I recognize that he helped pull me out of a rut. I still suffer from a bit of hopitis and I'm sure I will over the next few months, but i try to look at the positives that I can take out of this experience.

 

 

An above poster mentioned writing down things she wanted to get done. I am so doing that right now. I checked off 2 items already and have a 3rd in the works. It reminds me of the line from Shawshank redemption - "Get busy living, or get busy dying."