From GF to OW

[CrushingHope]

And you're right. I can't fix him. And I can't be enough for him to want to fix himself. Even his own kids aren't enough. He has to want to change on his own. I know.

[CrushingHope]

So is the weight of the delusion you're struggling with. I don't know if "delusion" is the right word, but I can't think of a better word at the moment. There is a freedom in letting go. I don't know, I was an OW when I was young, and when I finally ended it, I felt mostly relief. I felt I had returned to a world where things made sense, and I didn't have to lie to myself or rationalize the affair. That was a tremendous relief. I think the split may have been easier because we lived in different cities.

 

I think the idea of returning to a world that makes sense is something I need to focus on. This world with him has been so confusing. And where a lot of people would quickly see that as toxic and move on, I felt a strong desire to get to the bottom of it and make sense of it all. And that somehow when I was finally able to do that, I would have him. The "prize". But I have found out the secret now and I still don't have him and he's not a prize. Life with him would not be a good one. It would just be more of what I have struggled with over the last two years, not less.

[lemondrop21]

This job is just a stepping stone. It's a very entry level position in the gov't and I literally have ONE task that I do over and over. It's glorified data entry and not at all what I was led to believe it would be. However, I'm transitioning into the gov't and know i have to start at the bottom. They know how quickly people move out of this position and it's not frowned upon to look for other roles in the hours of down time. So, I've begun already. The team is small and my job has nothing to do with them so it's going to take an extra effort to be friends. But I know I have to try. I just feel so miserable that I don't even want to reach out.

 

I know in my heart that I have to let my ex go. I keep telling myself that he's not who I thought/wanted him to be. I keep trying and trying and trying to let it go but I keep coming back to him. I am feeling like I'm at the place I was before I went to NC last time and lasted for 4 months. I just know he won't answer any of my questions and continuing to reach out makes me look so pathetic. I hope to be able to stop now.

 

It just seems like nothing feels good anymore.

 

How do people deal with this kind of depression without medication?

I know you said you can't afford a therapist right now, but is it possible for you to see a general doctor right now to get antidepressants? They're usually pretty good about prescribing them. I went through NC/breakups with my xMM multiple times and I can tell you that the breakups on Zoloft were SO much easier to handle. It's not that you don't feel any sadness, but it takes the obsessive edge off; at least it did for me.

[CrushingHope]

I know you said you can't afford a therapist right now, but is it possible for you to see a general doctor right now to get antidepressants? They're usually pretty good about prescribing them. I went through NC/breakups with my xMM multiple times and I can tell you that the breakups on Zoloft were SO much easier to handle. It's not that you don't feel any sadness, but it takes the obsessive edge off; at least it did for me.

 

Hi LD, yeah I've thought about this a lot. I'm really nervous about the idea of trying meds. I've never been much of a pills person and the idea of it kind of scares me. I suppose, though, the idea of being like this any longer is also a fear.

 

I have managed to find some counselling services through my work that allows you up to 8 free sessions. If more is required then it's out of pocket but by then my work benefits may have kicked in. I'm going to make a call today to get my appointment. I can't go on feeling this way. I feel very controlled by this situation and living day to day in misery.

[CrushingHope]

I am struggling with NC. I'm committed to not texting and I have kept up with that for a couple of weeks. But I keep searching for things about him on social media even though he's not really on there much and had deleted his FB account a few months ago after being hacked.

 

Yesterday I looked his name up on FB for the first time in a while and saw that he had an account again.

 

I keep opening up this scab. It's really bad for me and I need to stop doing this. So I'm adding it to my NC rule and going to really try hard not to look. I haven't at all so far today and will take it hour by hour. I have to stop thinking that whatever I do can change anything on his end.

 

I'm writing here instead. I have to do this.

[jah526]

I am struggling with NC. I'm committed to not texting and I have kept up with that for a couple of weeks. But I keep searching for things about him on social media even though he's not really on there much and had deleted his FB account a few months ago after being hacked.

 

Yesterday I looked his name up on FB for the first time in a while and saw that he had an account again.

 

I keep opening up this scab. It's really bad for me and I need to stop doing this. So I'm adding it to my NC rule and going to really try hard not to look. I haven't at all so far today and will take it hour by hour. I have to stop thinking that whatever I do can change anything on his end.

 

I'm writing here instead. I have to do this.

 

The social media thing has been really tough for me. No in person contact with MM in nearly 8 months, but only a week NC with social media. Someone told me looking at that stuff is like dosing yourself with poison. I’m trying to keep that in mind. Hang in there CH.

[CrushingHope]

The social media thing has been really tough for me. No in person contact with MM in nearly 8 months, but only a week NC with social media. Someone told me looking at that stuff is like dosing yourself with poison. I’m trying to keep that in mind. Hang in there CH.

 

I hear you. I think it's especially hard because we make up our own stories behind what we see on social media and that's detrimental in the best of times. I'm either looking for some sort of confirmation that he's as miserable as he's said he is in order to make myself feel better or I'm looking for something that will make me move on. Neither have the outcome I want. And I always feel worse afterwards.

 

Seeing him or his words keep me us connected to them on some level. And keeps us pining. It's so unhealthy. I don't want to live an unhealthy life anymore.

 

We don't get this time back. I'm trying to focus on that.

 

I've started to take baby steps out of this. I've made a counselling appointment for next week, I've been reading You Are a Badass (amazing self help book) and I've begun doing some things again that I used to enjoy. I'm not fully enjoying them yet but I'm proud of my efforts so far.

 

Above all I know I can't help him. He has to want to change.

[jah526]

I hear you. I think it's especially hard because we make up our own stories behind what we see on social media and that's detrimental in the best of times. I'm either looking for some sort of confirmation that he's as miserable as he's said he is in order to make myself feel better or I'm looking for something that will make me move on. Neither have the outcome I want. And I always feel worse afterwards.

 

I think that’s a really good point about making up stories. Mine are always worst case scenario because, well, I know what he was doing with me during his lunch hour. Anyway, it really doesn’t matter and I kind of feel sorry for him that he’s so empty inside that he tries to fill the void with meaningless sex.

 

I’m trying to address my own addictive tendencies too.

[CrushingHope]

I think that’s a really good point about making up stories. Mine are always worst case scenario because, well, I know what he was doing with me during his lunch hour. Anyway, it really doesn’t matter and I kind of feel sorry for him that he’s so empty inside that he tries to fill the void with meaningless sex.

 

I’m trying to address my own addictive tendencies too.

 

He's actually the one who mentioned the "stories" thing...not based on social media but based on certain things he was doing with her. Like, he would tell me they went to the casino the night before and because we had gone to the casino together when we were dating and had such a good time, I assume that's exactly what they're doing. He said the stories in my head aren't the truth of what's going on. And although he was a jerk for not giving me more answers about things, he was right about that in the sense that no matter what I think, it's not very likely the truth, so it's pointless to think about.

 

I have blocked him from fb. Not that I was friends with him, but I could still look at certain aspects of his profile. So I blocked him so I wouldn't be able to go look so easily. I blocked his gf and some other people too. It has helped a little.

 

I'm really trying to move on. I can't say that I don't miss him obviously or would have liked things to be different. I just keep reminding myself that even if he came back to me, he is no good to me as he is. If he changed his life, who knows. But as it stands, he's not, so it's not good for me.

 

I have definitely had some brighter moments over the last few days. I'm feeling more hopeful that things will shift.

[CrushingHope]

Obviously a tough day when your heart still aches for someone.

 

I know I won't hear from him and I won't text him either. But it's so hard not to think about him today and what could have been if things were different...

 

Going to my first therapy session tonight. I guess it's probably the right day for it.

 

I just want to forget I ever met him.

[FMW]

Hang in there and stay strong! I hope therapy helps you move forward with the focus on you.

 

It's normal to have down days, and yes today is probably a big one for many of us. Even though I'm very determined to move on I was thinking about the flowers he sent me last year. But then I reminded myself that he probably sent his BW a bigger better floral arrangement, in addition to taking her out for dinner!

[MollieMcWench]

It really doesn't matter whether Woman #1 is a sinner or a saint. He's chosen to be with her, not you.

Don't look at what he says. Does he put you first? No. Lose his number and tell him you want a man who is 100% available. It may be your only hope of getting a better man.

[MollieMcWench]

I hear you. I think it's especially hard because we make up our own stories behind what we see on social media and that's detrimental in the best of times. I'm either looking for some sort of confirmation that he's as miserable as he's said he is in order to make myself feel better or I'm looking for something that will make me move on. Neither have the outcome I want. And I always feel worse afterwards.

 

Seeing him or his words keep me us connected to them on some level. And keeps us pining. It's so unhealthy. I don't want to live an unhealthy life anymore.

 

We don't get this time back. I'm trying to focus on that.

 

I've started to take baby steps out of this. I've made a counselling appointment for next week, I've been reading You Are a Badass (amazing self help book) and I've begun doing some things again that I used to enjoy. I'm not fully enjoying them yet but I'm proud of my efforts so far.

 

Above all I know I can't help him. He has to want to change.

 

Social media can be a great source of pointless torment. I'm an old lady, so my affairs predated the Internet. I would just block or unfollow him and anyone who might post pictures of him. I killed off my FB account months ago, but that was because it was such a huge time waster and I talk on the phone to the people I really care about.

You should be proud of your efforts. You are doing the necessary. Brava!

[CrushingHope]

I am trying to move forward. I'm having a hard time not thinking of him with her on vacation. I know they won't be doing the things that we would do together... But still... That's who he's with. And not me.

I have put myself on a dating site again and it just feels so wrong in my heart. I go through the motions of talking to people and stuff but it just highlights the fact that I'm not ready and don't find myself wanting to be with anyone else. None of them are him so they don't feel good to me.

 

My best friend shared some good news with me. She's pregnant at 39 with her first child. Things are just working out so well for her now. And I'm so pleased for her. She is amazing and totally deserves it. When I got off the phone, I felt a jolt of wanting my life to be better. And I was finally going to make the changes I need to make and have a better outlook. I went to bed feeling that I could have a good life too. But when I woke up, it was back to my bitter, sad feelings of despair and that the universe hates me.

 

My counsellor double booked herself yesterday and I easily gave up my spot because the other client's sister committed suicide and clearly took precedent over my inability to get my life together. But I needed that appointment. And now it will be two weeks before I have the next one.

 

I'm so tired of just floating here.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Zahara]

I am trying to move forward. I'm having a hard time not thinking of him with her on vacation. I know they won't be doing the things that we would do together... But still... That's who he's with. And not me.

 

Try to stop romanticizing. It doesn't help you to breed these type of thoughts in your head because the more you idealize him/the past, the more you cling to a fantasy. Stay in your reality. You don't even know what they're doing on their vacation so those type of thoughts are irrational.

 

How do you know they are on vacation?

 

I have put myself on a dating site again and it just feels so wrong in my heart. I go through the motions of talking to people and stuff but it just highlights the fact that I'm not ready and don't find myself wanting to be with anyone else. None of them are him so they don't feel good to me.

 

Remove yourself from the dating site.

1) You are not healthy for anyone

2) Your man-picker is broken and you stand the chance of picking another bad apple since you are clouded and needing a man to make you whole

3) It's unfair to those who are coming to the table with emotional availability

4) You're going to keep comparing every man that crosses you and it will be a constant dig into the wound

5) Seeking an ego boost/attention on a dating site is counter productive to your healing and self-development. If you want to come out stronger and wiser -- you need to stand on your own two feet, weather the pain rather than lean on a crutch (dating site)

 

I went to bed feeling that I could have a good life too. But when I woke up, it was back to my bitter, sad feelings of despair and that the universe hates me.

 

And that is normal. You are grieving and you'll go up and down with your emotions. Stop beating yourself up. Healing doesn't come overnight. It's going to take awhile -- you need to be diligent with your therapy and disciplined with managing your thoughts and what you do with your time.

Edited February 23, 2018 by Zahara

[CrushingHope]

Thank you Zahara. I am always so grateful when you reply. I really think you have a deep understanding of my situation and very good insight. And you clearly care... Thank you.

 

People keep telling me that I need to get out there and "replace" him...that talking to someone else will help me see there are other good men out there. And I feel such a pressure to be better and get on with my life and that time is rushing past me and I have to get my life together or I'll never be happy. I guess hearing my friend's news made me want to get there too... Not to be pregnant necessarily but to find the right guy. And have what I really want.

 

I can't seem to stop my brain from thinking of him. I don't want to. I want to be free of it but my brain just keeps going there. I feel like I'm honestly a crazy person.

[CrushingHope]

When we were talking in Dec and January he said that they had planned a vacation in November before we started talking again and told me when it was. He has told me other times about their vacations so I know the kinds of things they do and don't do. When I was on my vacation this year in Dec, he and I were talking and he said she doesn't ever want to do anything but sit at the bar. And that it's fun for the first day but that they usually end up fighting. He told me this back when we were just friends when we just met.

[Zahara]

People keep telling me that I need to get out there and "replace" him...that talking to someone else will help me see there are other good men out there. And I feel such a pressure to be better and get on with my life and that time is rushing past me and I have to get my life together or I'll never be happy. I guess hearing my friend's news made me want to get there too... Not to be pregnant necessarily but to find the right guy. And have what I really want.

 

 

The reality is that you cannot see. You are emotionally clouded. I've been where you are -- after every horrible relationship, I jumped on a dating site. It got me nowhere and even when a good guy was looking right at me, I could not appreciate him because I was caught up in my dysfunction. And in that dysfunction of having low self worth and the inability to love myself, I kept attracting the same type of jerks. I didn't know what I deserved and I didn't know my value.

 

Jumping on a dating site isn't the answer to getting your life together. It's going to take time and what you do with that time, self-reflection and the determination to push yourself past your comfort zone. There's no fast forwarding to a better life. You have to put the work into your self-development. It took me several years to get to a different perspective.

 

I can't seem to stop my brain from thinking of him. I don't want to. I want to be free of it but my brain just keeps going there. I feel like I'm honestly a crazy person.

 

The brain can go there. It will. But you have to change the channel. When it comes to your head, don't dwell on the thought but counter it with something positive -- pick up a book, write/read your journal and remind yourself of your reality, put your workout clothes on and exercise, go for a brisk walk and listen to some soothing music, call a friend -- do something to change the channel. Dwelling is not an option. It's like weeds and the longer you stay tied to these thoughts, the longer you stay down.

[CrushingHope]

The brain doesn't stop. It's not like it just comes a couple of times a day... It's consant, never ending torture. I am trying to keep occupied...i have four books on the go, I am applying to new jobs constantly to get out of this one, I have a friend visiting for the weekend.

 

But he never leaves my mind.

 

My therapist doesn't seem concerned about my self worth. She says I need to get into the driver's seat of my life and stop my fear from driving. She is very focused on action...getting a new job, getting myself back in shape etc. I guess she's thinking those things will add to my sense of self worth? She says who I am suggesting I am based on what I'm saying doesn't match who she sees in front of her...a confident, vibrant, well-spoken, interesting person. She doesn't seem as worried about me or my future as I am. Maybe she's not a good match? I don't know.

[Zahara]

The brain doesn't stop. It's not like it just comes a couple of times a day... It's consant, never ending torture. I am trying to keep occupied...i have four books on the go, I am applying to new jobs constantly to get out of this one, I have a friend visiting for the weekend.

 

But he never leaves my mind.

 

Yes, it will be constant. It's normal. When it comes, change the channel. Sometimes it will be daunting and exhausting but you cannot stay dwelling. Exercise was very helpful for me.

 

My therapist doesn't seem concerned about my self worth. She says I need to get into the driver's seat of my life and stop my fear from driving. She is very focused on action...getting a new job, getting myself back in shape etc. I guess she's thinking those things will add to my sense of self worth? She says who I am suggesting I am based on what I'm saying doesn't match who she sees in front of her...a confident, vibrant, well-spoken, interesting person. She doesn't seem as worried about me or my future as I am. Maybe she's not a good match? I don't know.

 

I had the same issue with a therapist. She said she saw me as a confident and strong woman but I think I was projecting that persona because I knew deep down inside who I really was and how I truly saw myself based on my past with men. And maybe there were parts of my life that I was confident and solid about but when it came to relationships, I had no sense of self or worth. I had a great job, moved halfway across the world to build a life of my own, financially secure, etc. I was strong, courageous and independent when it came to those aspects of my life but when it came to relationships/men/love, I could not see my value and my strength. There was a root somewhere in my core that I needed to work on.

Edited February 23, 2018 by Zahara

[CrushingHope]

Zahara, I think we have had similar experiences. Everyone sees me as a confident, capable person. I am that person in so many ways. There is no way I would allow myself to be walked on or manipulated at work or really in any other aspect of my life. But this deep fear of people leaving me has made me a different person in certain relationships...when I think they're leaving, I hold on with all of my might. Even when I think hard about a possible life with this man, it ends up that I would likely leave him...and that's something he has said all along.

 

My therapist doesn't even want me to spend time talking to her about this guy or the relationship. She thinks he's a lost cause because of all the issues... That it's very unlikely that he will be able to break free from the toxicity of the relationship or the drinking. I get that... But I also feel like my direct issues are because of my fear of abandonment and low self worth in relationships. Getting a new job or getting in shape is not going to fix that.

 

I have a limited number of sessions with her. Work will only cover up to 8 sessions and then my benefits have to cover anything after that... But benefits won't kick in for a few months.

 

So do I just go with the flow with her or ask to take a different approach or what?

[Zahara]

Zahara, I think we have had similar experiences. Everyone sees me as a confident, capable person. I am that person in so many ways. There is no way I would allow myself to be walked on or manipulated at work or really in any other aspect of my life. But this deep fear of people leaving me has made me a different person in certain relationships...when I think they're leaving, I hold on with all of my might. Even when I think hard about a possible life with this man, it ends up that I would likely leave him...and that's something he has said all along.

 

Yes, that was me. Fear of abandonment. No matter how bad the guy was to me, I held on with all my might. There were other issues that I struggled with as well, and when I met my 5th therapist, it all came together.

 

My therapist doesn't even want me to spend time talking to her about this guy or the relationship. She thinks he's a lost cause because of all the issues... That it's very unlikely that he will be able to break free from the toxicity of the relationship or the drinking. I get that... But I also feel like my direct issues are because of my fear of abandonment and low self worth in relationships. Getting a new job or getting in shape is not going to fix that.

 

Yes, therapy is for you -- it is to work towards your core. He is just a symptom. The time should be spent on your self-discovery, not his. Your issue with him is just the gunk on the surface -- you need to dig deeper.

 

I have a limited number of sessions with her. Work will only cover up to 8 sessions and then my benefits have to cover anything after that... But benefits won't kick in for a few months.

So do I just go with the flow with her or ask to take a different approach or what?

 

I spent a few sessions with each (4 therapists) before I finally clicked with the 5th therapist. She was interactive, she gave me homework, she asked hard questions, etc. and I instinctively knew she was the right one for me. You have to decide what is important for you in terms of what you desire from therapy -- for me I needed someone that could challenge me and had an interactive approach. The others just sat, took notes, asked a few questions while I talked most of the time. I got absolutely nothing from that.

 

I think you can tell her that you would like to take a different approach and see if it works for you but if you leave feeling unsatisfied, then find a new one. Finding the right one can be tedious!

[CrushingHope]

I like her in terms of certain things for sure. She won't just let me sit there and vent about him because it's not helpful to my end goal. Like you, I need someone interactive. I have seen therapists who just sit and listen as I talk which in the end does nothing for me but allow me to vent like I already do in my journal, on here, with friends etc. I need to know how to dig deep into how to fix the base issue. I have known it was there all along but only seems to show itself when I'm in a relationship.

 

She's the only choice I have right now that's covered. They are meant for short term, acute issues (these 8 sessions that my job pays for) but I think I can keep seeing her after if she's covered by my benefits...which I have no idea about in terms of when they kick in. My department is very slow getting any info to me (gov't of course). So I will keep seeing her for now and maybe ask her if she has any suggestions for the direct issue of abandonment.

 

It upsets me that this has got me where I am. I know I have potential for a much better life than the one I'm living. It makes me so sad.

[whatcomesnext]

I second what Zahara said. Communicate to the therapist that her approach is not working for you. If it doesn’t get better switch therapists. I had never done therapy before and stayed with a therapist that was not helping me for waaaay too long. She was not interactive and mainly listened to me talk. Because I presented as confident she assumed my problems weren’t as serious as they truly have been. She did not get me. Totally not what I needed. I didn’t know where else to go and kept going there for months. Waste of my time and money. A few months ago I finally switched therapists. My new one is so much better. She is interactive, completely clicks with me and I am not hesitant to tell her anything. I wish I had switched sooner. Needing to shop around for the right fit is completely necessary and normal.

[CrushingHope]

Thanks Whatcomesnext. I agree that in normal circumstances shopping around is the way to go. Unfortunately I don't have the luxury to do that yet as this program selects the person for you based on the issue and they set you up for up to 8 sessions. That's all I get for now until my benefits kick in in a few months. I don't know that her approach isn't helping yet really because I've only been to one session. I'll see how things proceed.