From GF to OW

[Zahara]

It upsets me that this has got me where I am. I know I have potential for a much better life than the one I'm living. It makes me so sad.

 

Try to turn that around and find the positive in this because now you have a goal -- a way forward. You're taking your first steps and you are self-aware and reflective in where you want to be and what you need to work on. It's never too late. Look at this as an achievement because most go through life unaware, with zero insight into themselves.

 

What would be sad is you staying in an unhealthy cycle and doing nothing about it.

[CrushingHope]

You're right. That would be sad. I guess I've always known this issue was there. I just figured it wouldn't be an issue anymore when the right guy came along. But I guess I can't seem to pick the right guy which is part of the issue. So I do recognize that it needs to change. I just want to be there so quickly and wish I was just dealing with it rather than having my mind consumed with this guy. It plays tricks on my mind...that somehow this guy is the answer to all my sadness. But he's not, and I do get that on at least some level.

[CrushingHope]

Well, it's me again.

 

We didn't talk for two months. I was feeling a little better, less depressed, but still missing him more than I could understand.

 

Then I got a random text from him. I debated not answering it. I waited hours to reply. But I did. And of course it all started up again. His telling me how miserable he was, how much he missed me, how everything reminded him of me.

 

I was guarded. I didn't give him back what he was giving me. I was trying to protect my heart. But slowly over the following few weeks I let him in again. For the first time, he opened up about his relationship and the issues that have prevented him from leaving. He made no promises to me but asked me to be patient with his situation as it was "delicate" and needed to be handled carefully.

 

I didn't push or make demands. Three weeks ago he said he was ready to end it and walk away. He asked if I was ready to do this with him. Things were on my terms. I had left the city he lived in but told him he couldn't live with me. He respected that and went to stay with his mom in a whole other city (about an hour from me) while he sorted things out. He came for a few evenings to talk. Then stayed the following weekend. It was really good to be with him again but I completely had my guard up and was worried that he would go back.

 

He ended up getting a job in the new city and was telling me every day how it was important to him to prove himself to me and build my trust no matter how long it took. We talked about future plans and he was more open and communicative than any other time.

 

Last (a week ago) Saturday night at 11pm he told me how good he was feeling about where we were and how excited he was to be creating this new life after an almost ten year toxic relationship. The next day I didn't hear from him. I found out later in the day, from my friend who lives in the original city where he and I met, that he had gone back to the toxic ex and begged her to take him back.

 

Two days later the ex found out about me and the on/off relationship he had had with me for two years. She wanted to hear my side. I said I wasn't interested in talking to her.

 

She has let him back. And they are not even talking. (I know a girl who is living there). And he has blocked my number. Before doing so he said "this has nothing to do with you or my feelings for you. It never has. I'm a mess"

 

I know no one will have any compassion for me. I have been unable to do the healthy thing for myself and let him go. Even when he was here for the weekend, I didn't feel great about him. I was holding resentment. But he seemed to making big strides to make changes and it felt like he was finally ready to move on from her. And I figured my resentment would lift in time. He knew I was guarded and said he understood and that we would build that trust in time.

 

I don't understand what's wrong with him. Or me. I have been in counselling for several months now. But the pain of not being with him won't go away.

 

I feel pathetic and hopeless. There's so much more to this but I've already said so much.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Bittersweetie]

Am I understanding this correctly, that last weekend is another instance of him going back and forth? That this back and forth has happened before?

 

You refer to his other relationship as "toxic." How is what he does with you not toxic? He goes back and forth, back and forth, and now you find yourself feeling, in your words, resentful, pathetic, hopeless. How is that not toxic to YOU?

 

You cannot try to understand what is wrong with him...you have no control over him and his choices. Whatever the deal is with the ex is none of your business, try not to waste any more mental energy on it. So they're not talking...so what? It's not your problem. You can't control them and what they do.

 

But you do have control over YOU. And what choices are you going to now make moving forward to make you feel positive about your life?

[CrushingHope]

Yes. He has been doing this for two years. We have never been together when they have been but we have definitely talked and had an emotional affair. Then he would leave her, date me for a while and then go back. This the 4th time within two years.

 

It is toxic here too yes. I've put my happiness in his hands. I have been reading up on push/pull relationships and this definitely falls into that. I just don't know how to stay away. My heart says I want him, my brain says to never let him back in. I've lost my confidence and self-worth and have become someone I don't recognize.

 

No one likes him. Even his own kids have issues with him. There is just so much going on. It's been pure chaos.

 

I doubt I'll hear from him again since she knows about me now but if he does I don't know how to convince myself to not get involved.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Don't beat yourself up too badly CH. It's so easy to get sucked back in with their promises of ever-lasting togetherness. All lies.

 

But now you know he's never going to leave her. That's great news. Let them keep their toxic relationship. He's busy over on that other end spinning a web of lies to her. You are worth so much more than to be his fallback. Talk to a friend if possible who can help keep you out of this mess.

[BaileyB]

He's right about one thing, he is an absolute mess... When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

 

I'm sorry that you are feeling badly. Glad you are getting some counselling. This whole situation has little to do with him, and everything to do wih you. Get right with yourself, and you will never have to worry about getting involved with him again...

 

Because... he will be back. You've taught him that he can go back and forth. You've taught him that you will allow him to linger in your life, while offering little to nothing in return. So, when things go bad with this other woman and he's needing some validation again, he will be back...

 

Don't let him come back. Best wishes.

[CrushingHope]

I'm just writing here because I have nowhere else to turn.

 

I texted him today. I have texted him a million times since he went back to her but after she found out about us, I didn't hear anything more from him so I assumed he had blocked me. I just wrote to vent. To say how I felt. I said he didn't have any right to be mad at me...that I didn't do any of this - he did.

 

Then she wrote back. "this is ____. We are working on things. Let this go. We have a ten year history. Please respect that".

 

I told him to say good bye to me. He said good bye. He said it was him, not her and "I promise, you don't want to get into this with her. For your own good, walk away". I said "i guess everything you said was a lie". He said "it was".

 

I know she was standing with him watching him write these texts. He has never said anything like this before. I know he is only there because he had nowhere else to go...he was on his mom's couch and he couldn't stay there. He couldn't afford to get his own place. And I wouldn't let him move in with me. I saw that he is selling his truck and motorcycle. He just bought the motorcycle last year. He would only be selling it if he needed the money or if he had nowhere to store it. If he's going to be staying with her, he has no need for money or somewhere to store it.

 

I know I'm being crazy right now. I know I'm still trying to figure things out when there's no point. He's back there, regardless of why, and he has to say whatever he can to her/me to make her happy or she'll kick him out. He has been miserable over there since going back and they are not even talking (i know because I know a girl who lives there).

 

I'm sorry to vent. and to sound crazy. I can't talk to anyone else. I am sitting here going insane with all of this swirling around in my head. I just don't understand how he can do this. Everything is so messed up.

Edited May 19, 2018 by CrushingHope

[whichwayisup]

As painful as it is for you, please, try to not reach out to him again. She's told you to leave them alone and he's chosen to stay with her. Respect that. If you contact him again she could very well get a restraining order against you.

 

Book an appointment and get into counseling to help you grieve this in a healthy way. You'll never get closure from him, the questions you want answered won't be answered by him. With the help of therapy and lots of support you can get through this. Time to take care of yourself, put you first.

[CrushingHope]

I am in counselling. And no, I won't be texting again.

 

I live in a different city than they do. I am certainly not a physical threat to them or need to have a restraining order against me for any reason. He can block my number. But he never will.

 

I have played this game with him so many times. He goes back to her, then leaves in a few weeks/months to come back to me...over and over and over. So it's hard to believe that he's there for good this time. They have been breaking up and getting back together long before I was ever in the picture.

 

This push/pull relationship is killing me. Slowly for two years. I read an article about these relationships and why they make us so crazy. It's so true.

[BluesPower]

I'm just writing here because I have nowhere else to turn.

 

I texted him today. I have texted him a million times since he went back to her but after she found out about us, I didn't hear anything more from him so I assumed he had blocked me. I just wrote to vent. To say how I felt. I said he didn't have any right to be mad at me...that I didn't do any of this - he did.

 

Then she wrote back. "this is ____. We are working on things. Let this go. We have a ten year history. Please respect that".

 

I told him to say good bye to me. He said good bye. He said it was him, not her and "I promise, you don't want to get into this with her. For your own good, walk away". I said "i guess everything you said was a lie". He said "it was".

 

I know she was standing with him watching him write these texts. He has never said anything like this before. I know he is only there because he had nowhere else to go...he was on his mom's couch and he couldn't stay there. He couldn't afford to get his own place. And I wouldn't let him move in with me. I saw that he is selling his truck and motorcycle. He just bought the motorcycle last year. He would only be selling it if he needed the money or if he had nowhere to store it. If he's going to be staying with her, he has no need for money or somewhere to store it.

 

I know I'm being crazy right now. I know I'm still trying to figure things out when there's no point. He's back there, regardless of why, and he has to say whatever he can to her/me to make her happy or she'll kick him out. He has been miserable over there since going back and they are not even talking (i know because I know a girl who lives there).

 

I'm sorry to vent. and to sound crazy. I can't talk to anyone else. I am sitting here going insane with all of this swirling around in my head. I just don't understand how he can do this. Everything is so messed up.

 

Hold on for a minute... He cannot afford an apartment, you were at least smart enough to not let him move in, he took the easy way out and went back.

 

How much low self esteem can one person have. You realize that he is a loser that lets women take care of him, right?

 

I mean, there is nothing redeeming about him but words, and those were lies.

 

Does any of that register with you?

[CrushingHope]

BluesPower,

 

Yes. This is the part I don't understand. In my heart of hearts, I do see that. He followed through with his words for the first while and that's what got me hooked. And he continued to promise me the life I have always wanted...nothing fancy, just full of the things that are important to me. He stood here in my kitchen just two weeks ago, took my face in his hands, looked me in the eyes and said "I am never, ever going back to that life. Ever". And there he goes....not even a word to tell me he went back. I had to find out from someone else.

 

I know he can tell her until he's blue in the face that he loves her, but he went back because I wouldn't let him move in with me and he couldn't get his own place. And now he has to tell her everything she needs to hear to keep him there.

 

I know he's not good enough for me. I have told myself that for 2 years. Yet the thought of him going back there and making a life with her makes me crazy. After all of this, it hurts my soul to think he would rather be with trash like that than me. And somehow that idea makes me feel worse about myself. If I can't get a low-life like that to choose me, how am I going to get anyone better?

[CrushingHope]

And the even crazier part is that when we were together for a few weeks before he went back, I found myself feeling very resentful towards him...annoyed with things he was doing and words he was saying because I didn't trust him. I know that shows me that things wouldn't have ever been what I wanted them to be....but I believed it would just take time to build that trust again. And he made me believe, day in and day out, that he wanted to do that. And then suddenly...gone.

[BluesPower]

BluesPower,

 

Yes. This is the part I don't understand. In my heart of hearts, I do see that. He followed through with his words for the first while and that's what got me hooked. And he continued to promise me the life I have always wanted...nothing fancy, just full of the things that are important to me. He stood here in my kitchen just two weeks ago, took my face in his hands, looked me in the eyes and said "I am never, ever going back to that life. Ever". And there he goes....not even a word to tell me he went back. I had to find out from someone else.

 

I know he can tell her until he's blue in the face that he loves her, but he went back because I wouldn't let him move in with me and he couldn't get his own place. And now he has to tell her everything she needs to hear to keep him there.

 

I know he's not good enough for me. I have told myself that for 2 years. Yet the thought of him going back there and making a life with her makes me crazy. After all of this, it hurts my soul to think he would rather be with trash like that than me. And somehow that idea makes me feel worse about myself. If I can't get a low-life like that to choose me, how am I going to get anyone better?

 

And the even crazier part is that when we were together for a few weeks before he went back, I found myself feeling very resentful towards him...annoyed with things he was doing and words he was saying because I didn't trust him. I know that shows me that things wouldn't have ever been what I wanted them to be....but I believed it would just take time to build that trust again. And he made me believe, day in and day out, that he wanted to do that. And then suddenly...gone.

 

I get it, I really do. I have had women love me like you love him. At the time I was not worthy of their love, but good grief I was never a lazy liar like your guy is.

 

Of all the stuff I have done I was never that bad.

 

Somehow, you have got to realize deep down that you are so much better than what you have been settling for...

[CrushingHope]

He has hurt every single person in his life. Every person I have seen be a part of his life, he has hurt - her, his two kids, his ex-wife, his ex-parents-in-law, other women he's dated when he's left the first one. He slept with and then had a relationship with her best friend...why does he hurt so many people? And how can I possibly think I want to be with this person? Because he's taken me on on some nice drives and spoiled me with his affection when it was convenient for him? And then when he leaves and I text him for answers he says "please stop" like i'm some sort of crazy person.

 

I just don't get myself. When will I truly feel done being beat down by him? He is so over the top with the love-bombing at first....comes on so strong...and then gone. It's craziness.

 

And then I sit here and panic because I fear I'll never hear from him again.

 

There is something so wrong with me and so wrong with this whole thing.

[CrushingHope]

I get it, I really do. I have had women love me like you love him. At the time I was not worthy of their love, but good grief I was never a lazy liar like your guy is.

 

Of all the stuff I have done I was never that bad.

 

Somehow, you have got to realize deep down that you are so much better than what you have been settling for...

 

What do you mean by lazy liar?

[CrushingHope]

I woke up at 3am. Couldn't sleep. I went to facebook. He changed his profile pic to a pic of them from last night. He has never had a pic of them together on his fb profile (rarely changes his because he's not photogenic and doesn't like how he looks). She's not even his friend on fb right now.

 

I know he's desperately trying to prove something to her because from what I understand she's been close to kicking him out (although I know she won't) and he has nowhere to go.

 

It really hurts to see this picture because I make up stories in my head for it to mean that they are happy. I know they're not happy. They haven't been for many years. They've broke up about 10 times. They're in a push/pull relationship as much as he and I are.

 

I need to walk away from this. But I can't seem to stop. It's become a complete obsession to try to find out things. And for what? To confirm that they're dysfunctional and codependent? I already know that. Everyone already knows that. This isn't news.

 

I'm in such a low place.

[CrushingHope]

It wasn't even her in the pic. It was their friend who looks very much like her and in the darkness of the pic I thought it was her.

 

I'm going crazy. Really. I feel like I'm just sitting here waiting for something new. A new pic on fb, a message from someone who knows him telling me something, a tidbit of information to show me that they're not happy so I can be less sad.

 

It's not healthy. I know that. For everyone who thinks I should be in counselling...I am. My next appointment is Thursday. And as much as I really like my counsellor, it's not fixing me. I can't seem to just walk away.

 

I've never been so hurt by anyone and wanted that same person to make me feel better. It's sick.

[Zahara]

Deactivate your Facebook. Stop stalking their social media. You need to stop feeding your obsession. Take that first step. Nothing is as important as your emotional and mental health. There is ZERO reason for you to be stalking her page. This is over and he’s been clear with you.

 

Going to therapy is great but what would be the point if you continue to keep digging at your wound. Like an addiction, you have to detox and push through the withdrawals.

 

It’s a choice.

[CrushingHope]

He hasn't been clear. He keeps coming back. Over and over. Nothing with him is ever clear. He keeps the door to me open at all times. He only texted what he did because she was standing over him. I know I sound crazy but I know that's the truth.

 

I don't see what I'm getting out of not making the choice to end it. To stop stalking. Why? I must be getting something out of this. Am I comfortable in this sadness? Does not letting go make me feel like I'm still a part of him? Does it make me feel like there's a better chance for us if I stick around? I don't know.

[Zahara]

He hasn't been clear. He keeps coming back. Over and over. Nothing with him is ever clear. He keeps the door to me open at all times. He only texted what he did because she was standing over him. I know I sound crazy but I know that's the truth.

 

I don't see what I'm getting out of not making the choice to end it. To stop stalking. Why? I must be getting something out of this. Am I comfortable in this sadness? Does not letting go make me feel like I'm still a part of him? Does it make me feel like there's a better chance for us if I stick around? I don't know.

 

No, you keep the door to him open. He just walks in whenever he wants to because you keep allowing it. This is why he does it over and over again.

 

Regardless of who or what was standing over him -- he chose her. And he's done it every single time. It happened when you were only a couple of months into dating him and it's still going on.

 

You're in denial and that is why you keep holding on. You resist accepting because you are still hopeful that he may one day chose you. The day will come when you'll get sick and tired or being sick and tired. Maybe then you'll close the door.

 

I don't even think you love this man. I think you suffer more from not being able to handle the constant rejection and the desperate need to feel validated/loved. The idea of love. And your clinging to those few and far between "loving" moments you experienced with him, which you miss -- the feeling of being loved and cared for that is rather than the man.

Edited May 20, 2018 by Zahara

[CrushingHope]

Zahara, I agree 150%. It's not about loving him. It's about wanting him to choose me and stay with me. He has chosen me, but then he walks out. I don't see what he possibly gets from it. If he wants to be there and he chooses her, then why doesn't he just stay there ffs??!!!!!

 

It's not about him. This man has hurt everyone in his path. He makes bad choices, isn't particularly interesting, doesn't thrill me in bed, is not a compatible kisser, is no longer a good father to his kids, is most likely an alcoholic, is terrible with money, is irresponsible, is completely careless with my heart, is not particularly handsome, surrounds himself with very trashy people, isn't close with his family, is a terrible communicator...this is not the list of any man that I would ask for to be my partner.

 

I am addicted to the idea of being chosen and the idea of the life that he keeps promising to give me...when we were first dating, I was so taken with the way he treated me....like a princess...for several weeks, day in and day out...I got hooked. And when I started to see who he really was, and who I've continued to see in the 2 years since, I let everything go because he was so good to me at the time.

 

He told me that life was safe with her, even though it's toxic...because he could never get his heart broken by her. And that life with me is risky....that one day I will wake up and see that he is not good enough for me and I will walk out on him. I do believe that has always been a genuine fear of his.

 

I know I have kept my door to him open but I don't think that's why he keeps coming through it. If he didn't want to, why would he? Why leave her if he's so happy?

Edited May 20, 2018 by CrushingHope

[Zahara]

The thing is, he is not "choosing" between the two of you - he just switches to the one that can offer him the most benefit for what his needs may be at that time. And being that they have a 10 year history and BOTH of them are highly dysfunctional, it keeps them addicted to each other. You and her likely offer him enough drama to thrive because that is what this toxic triangle is made of.

 

The next time you idealize/romanticize this man -- pull out the list of negatives and read them. Sometimes we need to change the channel. We mourn the image we created rather than accept who this person truly is. Letting go of that is difficult because we just so desperately want them to be who WE want them to be. Acceptance means walking away. So we stay in denial just hoping. It also doesn't help that we want so badly to be loved that we cling to scraps.

 

This man feeds you a lot of words, which you need to stop clinging to because he uses them as hooks. And it works. The funny thing is that HE is the one that keeps walking out on you.

 

He walks through the door because you offer some level of benefit to him. I suggest you go back and read this whole thread and try to stop holding onto his words because it translates as hope to you. As well as him being forlorn as a sign of love or that he loves you. This isn't love. It is far from it. A person that truly loves you doesn't treat you this way.

[CrushingHope]

Yes, I think he does enjoy the drama of it somehow. When things are going badly with them and he's feeling lonely or unloved, he inevitably starts texting again with those words that always work. Even this time I said to him "your words mean nothing to me anymore. Consistency of action is what will build trust here"...and he went out the next day and go a job in the new city he was living in. It's like he really did want to show me that he meant it. But he couldn't keep up with it.

 

He also said one day two weeks ago "this is such a crazy feeling. it must really be love". I said "it's not love". I know I see what's really going on here, but you're right...I have to accept it fully. Accept that who he has shown himself to be in these two years really is who he is. And that I have fallen over and over for who he portrays himself to be in those "i'm going to get her back" moments, and who I truly want him to be. I make up excuses for his bad behaviour ...blame his toxic relationship on why he has treated people badly. But he is probably more than half the toxicity in that relationship. A toxic relationship needs two people to thrive. And I have walked into this and stayed. I am part of the toxicity to myself now.

 

I have looked at the negatives over and over. I keep a copy in my wallet. I read and reread them...I want it to soak in. I really do. I just have this part of me that won't let go of the idea of us. I want to. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I have completely lost myself. I'm ashamed of what I've accepted for myself from him. And I haven't even told so many people in my life this time because of the shame. And adding shame to what I'm already feelings is not a good idea....

 

i will go back and read this whole thread. I often read my journals too to try to help me...

Edited May 20, 2018 by CrushingHope

[Zahara]

If you want to truly help yourself -- block him on FB/deactivate your account, block him on your phone as well as email. And any other source of access he may have to you. Take that first step. The longer you wait, the longer you stay in pain.