From GF to OW

[Zahara]

I'm trying to ask myself why it's so hard to do this. I have blocked and deleted idiots from my life previously quite easily. He is harder.

 

Sometimes the end of a short encounter with someone is much harder to get over versus the ending of a long term relationship. It's because in those short encounters, you are deliriously happy, full of hope and dreams. At your peak, it crashes. And you're suddenly lost and confused, in a state of disbelief and the only image of him that you are left with is of that sweet, loving, caring guy. You want all those good times to return -- it won't because the honeymoon period isn't reality. It's when people are on their best behavior and out to present an attractive persona.

 

Not maybe -- he IS unwell, emotionally and mentally. And he's treated other people in his life just as badly.

 

I honestly don't think he'll be back. If I did, that would somehow make me feel better while I'm in this state. But I know it's better for me if he doesn't. And ultimately I know I need to be the one to stop it regardless. I want to get there.

 

You're trying to fool someone that has had that same mentality after an ending with every tool -- "oh, he won't be back". I know why I said it. I said it to convince others so that they would stop asking me to block them but deep down, I left the window open because there was a part of me that still wanted them back. But when I was ready, I had no issues blocking them from every little hole they could sneak through. I wasn't assuming they wouldn't be back -- I didn't want them back.

 

Actually, the reason why you don't feel better is because you're playing the waiting game. You're not ready to fully let go. There is a part of you that wants him to come back and feels that he will. That's why you keep checking the FB to gauge his position.

 

And that's fine but I hope you find your strength soon. One day you are going to look back and wonder what the heck you were doing wasting your tears, rubbing your eyes to the bone, walking around with a pounding headache over a low quality guy.

Edited May 24, 2018 by Zahara

[marky00]

Maybe one day the pain of walking away will be far more tolerable than the pain of staying. It seems like that's the only way you're going to reach acceptance and move on.

 

Yep, it reaches that stage eventually. Time always wins in the end and your mind/body won't be able to suffer forever.

 

I've been there so I know.

 

You may have stayed connected because instinctively you might have known you needed several more rejections to push you to that limit.

[BaileyB]

I have an appointment today.

 

I'm not going to try medication yet. I know I sound beyond depressed to a lot of people but I'm not sure that medication is something I'm willing to go to. Maybe I will need to eventually. I am just very closed to it for now.

 

I do believe that eventually I will be ok. I just have to be without him for long enough to start healing.

 

I understand. I would do the same - talk therapy and exercise before medication.

 

If I may, for as much as you have tried to rationalize this and search for answers... it is just a simple decision. There are no answers to be found, except to ask yourself why you have allowed yourself to develop such an unhealthy and codependent relationship with a man that YOU KNOW is not good for you. Look within, not toward this man.

 

Make the decision today... like an alcoholic that makes the decision to stop drinking, or a smoker who makes the decision to stop smoking... make the decision to delete his contact information and never contact this man again.

[CrushingHope]

Sometimes the end of a short encounter with someone is much harder to get over versus the ending of a long term relationship. It's because in those short encounters, you are deliriously happy, full of hope and dreams. At your peak, it crashes. And you're suddenly lost and confused, in a state of disbelief and the only image of him that you are left with is of that sweet, loving, caring guy. You want all those good times to return -- it won't because the honeymoon period isn't reality. It's when people are on their best behavior and out to present an attractive persona.

 

Not maybe -- he IS unwell, emotionally and mentally. And he's treated other people in his life just as badly.

 

 

 

You're trying to fool someone that has had that same mentality after an ending with every tool -- "oh, he won't be back". I know why I said it. I said it to convince others so that they would stop asking me to block them but deep down, I left the window open because there was a part of me that still wanted them back. But when I was ready, I had no issues blocking them from every little hole they could sneak through. I wasn't assuming they wouldn't be back -- I didn't want them back.

 

Actually, the reason why you don't feel better is because you're playing the waiting game. You're not ready to fully let go. There is a part of you that wants him to come back and feels that he will. That's why you keep checking the FB to gauge his position.

 

And that's fine but I hope you find your strength soon. One day you are going to look back and wonder what the heck you were doing wasting your tears, rubbing your eyes to the bone, walking around with a pounding headache over a low quality guy.

 

 

I completely agree that this is harder because all I saw of him was the honeymoon stage and then he'd vanish...and although that should be enough of a sign of his character, i have been able to excuse it for him...along with all the sides of him that I haven't seen "directly" but just from the outside. For healthy people, these things would be enough to close that door for good.

 

You're right, Zahara, as usual...I am playing the waiting game. I haven't been able convince myself to let go. And I am checking his FB to gauge his position. I hate to admit that, but you're completely right. If I'm going to come on here, I want to share where I'm at with complete honesty.

 

I know I will look back and wonder why I spent so much time and tears and effort on this person. I have before on way better men...

[CrushingHope]

I understand. I would do the same - talk therapy and exercise before medication.

 

If I may, for as much as you have tried to rationalize this and search for answers... it is just a simple decision. There are no answers to be found, except to ask yourself why you have allowed yourself to develop such an unhealthy and codependent relationship with a man that YOU KNOW is not good for you. Look within, not toward this man.

 

Make the decision today... like an alcoholic that makes the decision to stop drinking, or a smoker who makes the decision to stop smoking... make the decision to delete his contact information and never contact this man again.

 

Thank you Bailey, for understanding. I am not completely against the idea of meds, just very hesitant. I want to feel this all the way through...because then, when I'm done, I know I will be done. If I take meds, and then come off...who knows what would happen.

 

I would love to make that decision today, but I can't seem to get there. I have short stints of blocking him. My counsellor has suggested going one day longer than the last time each time. I think that might work better for me than trying to do this cold turkey. The cold turkey option gives me sheer anxiety and the thought of never talking to him again. I will hope to get there in stages...might be a slower process, but hopefully the same outcome.

 

I really don't know. I told my counsellor that I'm waiting for that "i've had enough" moment like I've had so very clearly with other situations...whether it's men or something else...but this one doesn't seem to be coming. It seems that I just slowly get used to not having him in my life and he pops back in before I've really let him go completely, and then we start all over again.

[FMW]

I completely understand about taking it in stages, although most here will tell you that you must go completely NC. Cold turkey doesn't work for me, I have to move through it gradually, it's a process. So work your process and just be sure to be very honest with yourself about him, about the relationship you have with him, and about yourself. You certainly don't have to hate him, in fact you shouldn't. But don't romanticize. Allow yourself to slowly distance emotionally as you accept the truth and reality of the situation.

 

Pay more attention to yourself and focus on what you like about yourself and work on improving things you want to improve. The better you feel about yourself the better you will handle everything.

 

Try to focus on things that bring you happiness or at least some level of peace and consciously stop yourself from wallowing in your pain and heartbreak.

 

I know that all sounds so cliche, but if you put in the effort it really does work. It's worked for me.

 

You're not going to just stop loving him, but you can certainly learn to move forward with your life. Accept your feelings but don't let them hold you down. There are better things (including men) and better times ahead if you allow them!

[CrushingHope]

Thank you, Finding My Way, for your helpful words.

 

I guess everything sounds like a cliché to me right now. Until something has helped me, I suppose everything is just words. I don't know what it means to focus on myself or what I like about myself. I don't know the action that comes with that.

 

And right now I have a hard time finding things. I feel pathetic and ashamed. And I keep feeding into that. Even when I stop looking at his FB or whatever, I don't feel any different. I have given him all the power to make me feel better and that's what I don't know how to change.

 

I feel so incredibly lonely in this. I come to this thread so much to read and re-read the advice, which I know is right and valuable, hoping that it will all soak in. And that I'll close my computer feeling better or stronger or capable of walking away.

 

I know he's never going to give me answers. And if he tried, I wouldn't even know if it was the truth. I need to stop searching. But searching for answers from him gives me an action. Whereas trying to find an answer to why I allow this man to have so much control over my happiness is much more difficult. I don't even know an action to take to find that.

[BaileyB]

 

I know he's never going to give me answers. And if he tried, I wouldn't even know if it was the truth. I need to stop searching. But searching for answers from him gives me an action.

 

Whereas trying to find an answer to why I allow this man to have so much control over my happiness is much more difficult. I don't even know an action to take to find that.

 

With all due respect, searching for answers from him is the equivalent of a dog chasing his tail... Sure, it keeps you busy. But, you will never accomplish your goal and you will never get anywhere.

[CrushingHope]

With all due respect, searching for answers from him is the equivalent of a dog chasing his tail... Sure, it keeps you busy. But, you will never accomplish your goal and you will never get anywhere.

 

Yeah, logically I know that.

 

Today I'm seriously wondering what's wrong with me. I feel like doors are slamming in my face. I'm sitting at work where I don't feel part of the team because I'm fairly new and my job doesn't actually require me to be involved with other members. I asked my boss to consider me for a colleague's replacement but that doesn't look like it's going to pan out.

 

It just feels like the universe is against me. I realize how dramatic that sounds. I don't know how to get through this.

 

What keeps people going...

Edited May 25, 2018 by CrushingHope

[CrushingHope]

I got the job... I'm shocked. I was feeling like I was unable to really represent myself properly because of this deep sadness lingering around me. My friend says I don't ever see my own worth and value and gifts. I think he's right. And because this one man didn't stick around, I use that as proof to myself somehow to confirm my beliefs. How sad.

 

I feel like this will be a good distraction and will be much more money. It's only a four month contract. The job is permanent but he said they are likely to offer the permanent spot to someone with experience at that level after four months. But it gives me time to make an impression and add more to my resume. It's a real opportunity they're giving me here. They said I interviewed exceptionally well. That made me feel so good.

 

Hopefully things are looking up...

[BaileyB]

Congratulations! That’s wonderful news.

 

Just remember, true happiness and self worth comes from within. Looking for validation and happiness from external sources is a sure way to be unhappy in your life.

 

This experience will be a boost to your confidence, and it may lead you to other opportunities... but, unless you do the work to fix what is broken on the inside... well, you will probably find yourself in the same unhappy, self defeating patterns in the future.

 

Keep climbing!

[CrushingHope]

Congratulations! That’s wonderful news.

 

Just remember, true happiness and self worth comes from within. Looking for validation and happiness from external sources is a sure way to be unhappy in your life.

 

This experience will be a boost to your confidence, and it may lead you to other opportunities... but, unless you do the work to fix what is broken on the inside... well, you will probably find yourself in the same unhappy, self defeating patterns in the future.

 

Keep climbing!

 

Yes I know you're right about that . It's not that I needed this job to give me validation...i needed it financially very much. I was really just living paycheck to paycheck and did not enjoy the work. And it was so boring and mindless that it gave me way too much time to think and ruminate about things.

 

It's not until the acute sadness lifts that I can really do any work on myself. For now it's literally been minute to minute. It will still be like that but at least I won't worry about bills and making rent. This will take that part of my anxiety away for now which is something for sure.

[BaileyB]

Yes I know you're right about that . It's not that I needed this job to give me validation...i needed it financially very much. I was really just living paycheck to paycheck and did not enjoy the work. And it was so boring and mindless that it gave me way too much time to think and ruminate about things.

 

It's not until the acute sadness lifts that I can really do any work on myself. For now it's literally been minute to minute. It will still be like that but at least I won't worry about bills and making rent. This will take that part of my anxiety away for now which is something for sure.

 

 

Well then, the new job is a wonderful thing. Congratulations! It's always nice when someone recognizes your work and I hope the new job brings you more satisfaction.

[FMW]

Congratulations!

 

Hopefully this will give you more confidence and ability to believe in yourself.

[CrushingHope]

Well then, the new job is a wonderful thing. Congratulations! It's always nice when someone recognizes your work and I hope the new job brings you more satisfaction.

 

Thank you, BaileyB, I just needed something good to remind me that things can change.

[CrushingHope]

Congratulations!

 

Hopefully this will give you more confidence and ability to believe in yourself.

 

Thank you. I hope so too. I believe in myself in lots of ways...I just don't seem to be able to believe in many others... I wish it were different.

[CrushingHope]

Has anyone tried anti-depressants after heartbreak?

 

I'm afraid to try them, as I've mentioned. But I can't seem to stop crying for this person. My mind is on a constant loop. The obsession about "why" he does this over and over and why I let him and will he ever stop and will I ever be able to walk away just keeps going on and on. Would meds help with that?

 

I don't want to feel hazy or numb or gain weight or feel not like myself or become dependent.

 

I'm wasting my life.

[BluesPower]

Has anyone tried anti-depressants after heartbreak?

 

I'm afraid to try them, as I've mentioned. But I can't seem to stop crying for this person. My mind is on a constant loop. The obsession about "why" he does this over and over and why I let him and will he ever stop and will I ever be able to walk away just keeps going on and on. Would meds help with that?

 

I don't want to feel hazy or numb or gain weight or feel not like myself or become dependent.

 

I'm wasting my life.

 

Look, I am not saying that AD's are completely trivial, but you need something to get you over this.

 

They are far safer than they used to be, and in general they are not habit forming.

 

Go to a shrink and get on meds, because you are right, you are wasting your life, and you have been...

[marky00]

Has anyone tried anti-depressants after heartbreak?

 

I'm afraid to try them, as I've mentioned. But I can't seem to stop crying for this person. My mind is on a constant loop. The obsession about "why" he does this over and over and why I let him and will he ever stop and will I ever be able to walk away just keeps going on and on. Would meds help with that?

 

I don't want to feel hazy or numb or gain weight or feel not like myself or become dependent.

 

I'm wasting my life.

 

I can tell you categorically that anti-depressants do nothing for heartache whatsoever. And yes i tried them for months.

 

I've used them before for other things and they worked well.

 

But for heartache.... sorry.... no dice.

 

With heartache, u have to feel the pain and work your way through it. It's the only way.

 

Yes, the anti-depressants might help with day to day functioning if you dug yourself that big a hole but they retard your ability to work through the heartache pain so in the end it will take you longer to get through it.

[BaileyB]

With all due respect, OP seems to be dealing with a pretty significant depression, complicated grief, and some very obsessive thoughts. It is more than just "heartache," although I certainly respect your opinion.

 

OP, this is a discussion to have with your counsellor and your doctor. They know your situation and your struggles well. Best wishes.

[BluesPower]

I can tell you categorically that anti-depressants do nothing for heartache whatsoever. And yes i tried them for months.

 

I've used them before for other things and they worked well.

 

But for heartache.... sorry.... no dice.

 

With heartache, u have to feel the pain and work your way through it. It's the only way.

 

Yes, the anti-depressants might help with day to day functioning if you dug yourself that big a hole but they retard your ability to work through the heartache pain so in the end it will take you longer to get through it.

 

But there are millions of people that have had success with AD's.

 

I this case, OP is depressed and she needs to get stable so she can think clearly and find a way out of this mess.

 

Yes, the heartache will still be there, but it just might be manageable...

[FMW]

CrushingHope, I think AD might be a good short term option. Definitely talk to a therapist about it, the pros and the cons. It might give you the kick start you need to move on, again, as a short term option.

 

Your heartbreak seems to be very deep and consuming and your posts don't show that you've made any progress. How much more time do you want to stay stuck in exactly the same place?

 

You absolutely do need to feel the pain and work through it, but again, you don't appear to have made any progress at all on the working through it part. You're deeply mired in the pain. Time to try another tactic.

[CrushingHope]

I feel like every single time he comes back and then ultimately leaves again, I go through this. And in a couple of months I just start to feel a little better, and he comes back, I let him in (because I'm truly not over it) and it starts all over again.

 

I have talked to my counsellor about it. We had a pretty good talk and ultimately, she's not sure it's something I should be trying just yet because she does see progress in ways that maybe aren't being seen here. I come here when I'm really at my lowest....but mostly during the day at work and when I'm with others, I'm "okay". It's always there, lingering, but it doesn't come to the forefront until I'm home alone. I don't have a doctor here yet. I have moved to a different province in Canada and am waiting my new health card...there have been a few hiccups along the way. And even then, there is a 2 year waiting list for a doctor here.

 

I heard today that they are fighting a lot...that there has been no rekindling honeymoon...and fighting about me too. And that he's not "allowed to talk about me" (not sure why he would). She told someone that she texted me and said "if you text him, I will show up on your doorstep and you'll be sorry". I haven't been texting him and she did not text me that.

 

I am deeply ashamed to be any part of a mess like this and even more ashamed to admit that I'm missing him and still find myself wanting to hear from him...wanting to hear how terrible they're doing and that they're not in a happier place.

 

I go back and forth between still feeling like I want to be chosen, and feeling like I wish I never met him and that I could just forget he ever came into my life.

[CrushingHope]

Also...it's nice to feel cared about here. Thank you BaileyB, Zahara, BluesPower and FindingMyWay, Minneola...for your continued words of kindness.

 

I am a very good-hearted person. I feel completely outside myself right now as I find myself connected to this kind of drama and low-life-ed-ness.

 

I really do hope I look back on this time one day and shake my head at myself for wasting so much time on someone not at all worthy of me. These are not good people...I have so much proof of that. Why I want to be chosen by him is still beyond me.

 

I'll be okay. Breathe in, breathe out, wipe away these tears and carry on...

[BaileyB]

Crushinghope, you are a good hearted person. That definitely comes across here and I would say that is perhaps your greatest strength, and you greatest weakness (because, you have difficulty saying goodbye to this man, even though you know he is not good for you).

 

I too live in Canada... it can take a really long time to get a primary physician, but if needed you can also go to a walk-in clinic. It’s not ideal, but in the absence of a personal physician, they may be able to help. I defer to your and your counsellor's best judgment, but I agree with finding my way that it may be helpful short term - particularly if you find you are crying and having a hard time getting through the day...

 

Best wishes.

Edited May 30, 2018 by BaileyB