From GF to OW

[CrushingHope]

Well, maybe, but it doesn't make me feel better about myself to label him a narcissist...and it doesn't make me feel better about the situation, because it makes me feel like it can't change which is really all I have wanted. But I agree that it does distract me from focusing on me. I know I have low self-worth...that's a given. I don't know why or really how or if i can change it.

 

I feel that the root of my issue is that i don't believe, no matter what I've been told, that I'm attractive or young enough now to find anyone else. I don't know how that can ever change...i'm not getting any younger or more attractive.

[Zahara]

I just don't know how to focus on myself. I don't know where to start. I don't see the counsellor often...it will be a month or so before I see her again...and every single day/minute, I am confronted with thoughts of him and this whole thing and I can't seem to shut them down. I know I'm in the worst of it...that it will calm down in time...that the intensity of what I'm feeling will subside...it has already a little bit.

 

Go to a library. Pick up some self help books. Start reading. Go on the internet and start pulling up articles on self-esteem. Start journaling. Check out Baggage Reclaim and start reading her articles to help you gain a different perspective. Start exercising. Endorphins will help you feel better. Go and volunteer. It will open your eyes and embrace gratitude. Plan a short trip and travel by yourself. Find your independence. Take a class — something you’ve always wanted to do. Find your passions. Create some goals and start working on them. You’ll feel accomplished. Learn to meditate. It’ll help with your anxiety and stress.

 

I have said this many times. You have to change the channel. You need to reprogram a state of mind that only knows one way. Allow yourself 30 minutes a day to wallow. Then get up, do and move. Pick one thing from that list. Take one step. You have to start somewhere.

 

And for goodness sake - tell your friend to stop feeding you drama. She should know better.

[BaileyB]

I guess you could say it's sort of like the analogy to physical abuse that you described...but I don't actually believe it's okay for him to treat me like this.

 

And yet, you continue to allow it everything you think of him or let him back into your life. You give him the belief that it's ok for him to treat you like this, everytime you answer his email, pick up the phone, or let him back into your home.

 

Like the victim of domestic violence, you are waiting, and wishing, and hoping that he will realize what he's doing and change his behavior. The "good times" keep you hanging around for more, forgiving him time and again when he hurts you again...

[Zahara]

Well, maybe, but it doesn't make me feel better about myself to label him a narcissist...and it doesn't make me feel better about the situation, because it makes me feel like it can't change which is really all I have wanted. But I agree that it does distract me from focusing on me. I know I have low self-worth...that's a given. I don't know why or really how or if i can change it.

 

I feel that the root of my issue is that i don't believe, no matter what I've been told, that I'm attractive or young enough now to find anyone else. I don't know how that can ever change...i'm not getting any younger or more attractive.

 

It can change if you want it to change.

 

There’s just so much doom and gloom in your posts that you’ve completely drowned yourself in your own negativity.

[Minneloa]

I just don't know how to focus on myself. I don't know where to start. I don't see the counsellor often...it will be a month or so before I see her again...and every single day/minute, I am confronted with thoughts of him and this whole thing and I can't seem to shut them down. I know I'm in the worst of it...that it will calm down in time...that the intensity of what I'm feeling will subside...it has already a little bit.

 

Where you start is self-advocacy and making better choices, one at a time. For example, you mentioned above that you have not been exercising. So, tomorrow, you FORCE yourself to walk around the block (I did this), just once. And the next day, and the next, until maybe you feel like going another block. This is a concrete way to send a signal to yourself that wallowing will no longer be tolerated.

 

I took a yoga class, once a week. It helped me become more in tune with my body and breath. But at the time, I didn't realize this; it was just a way to get out of the house and distract myself on Monday night.

 

Listen, CH, I am, by nature, a wallower and a dweller and a highly sensitive person prone to rumination. I am chronically nostalgic and hate losing people from my life. So, I relate to your current situation and your temperament. I know you don't want to cut contact with this man. But if you want to change how you feel, you have to change what you DO.

 

M.

[BaileyB]

"Whether you think you can, or think you can't, either way you are right."

Henry Ford

Edited May 31, 2018 by BaileyB

[CantTakeMySmile]

He seems to put a feeler out ever few months. The longest we have gone without talking is 4 months. The rest of the time it's been 2 months. But it's different this time because she knows about me now so part of me thinks he won't contact me again unless he's truly leaving her.

 

 

 

What do you do in those months when he doesn't contact you?

[CrushingHope]

What do you do in those months when he doesn't contact you?

 

The first few weeks (like where I am now) are super hard. I usually come here to get things out. I talk with friends and a counsellor. I just try to get through the days. Some are harder than others.

 

I start feeling better and stronger and more able to live my life without coming here or talking about him as much. But I have never been able to let go enough before he comes back.

 

I don't know if I expect he will come back during that time or not. Mostly not I guess. It's always a surprise to hear from him.

 

I wouldn't take my situation and the way I handle things as good advice or anything you should try. It has kept me in a loop of pain for two years. And I'm not happy with or proud of myself in any way.

 

I am currently taking Zahara's advice and reading posts on the "baggage reclaim" website.

 

I'm trying to take advice. Actions. Without questioning it. It's hard. I want what I want. But if I can't have that, I might as well try to help myself out of this and find a new want.

[CantTakeMySmile]

The first few weeks (like where I am now) are super hard. I usually come here to get things out. I talk with friends and a counsellor. I just try to get through the days. Some are harder than others.

 

I start feeling better and stronger and more able to live my life without coming here or talking about him as much. But I have never been able to let go enough before he comes back.

 

I don't know if I expect he will come back during that time or not. Mostly not I guess. It's always a surprise to hear from him.

 

I wouldn't take my situation and the way I handle things as good advice or anything you should try. It has kept me in a loop of pain for two years. And I'm not happy with or proud of myself in any way.

 

I am currently taking Zahara's advice and reading posts on the "baggage reclaim" website.

 

I'm trying to take advice. Actions. Without questioning it. It's hard. I want what I want. But if I can't have that, I might as well try to help myself out of this and find a new want.

 

 

 

But you are able to stop contacting him?

[CrushingHope]

But you are able to stop contacting him?

 

Yes. I have learned that nothing I say or do can change his mind and that if things are ever going to happen for real it has to come from him not from my pushing him. Also texting when he's made the decision to go back to her makes me feel desperate and gross about myself which makes things worse. I get my texts out of my system in the first week or two and then I stop. I realized that as much as I think I want to reach out to him, I really just want to hear from him and my reaching out doesn't count. I realize that none of this is healthy. I'm just being honest about what happens with me.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Yes. I have learned that nothing I say or do can change his mind and that if things are ever going to happen for real it has to come from him not from my pushing him. Also texting when he's made the decision to go back to her makes me feel desperate and gross about myself which makes things worse. I get my texts out of my system in the first week or two and then I stop. I realized that as much as I think I want to reach out to him, I really just want to hear from him and my reaching out doesn't count. I realize that none of this is healthy. I'm just being honest about what happens with me.

 

 

 

I tend to act very similarly. I know how you feel. It just sucks. I find myself still expecting that text or call though. I know it is unhealthy.

[CrushingHope]

I tend to act very similarly. I know how you feel. It just sucks. I find myself still expecting that text or call though. I know it is unhealthy.

 

I hate that you're feeling this too. It's really devastating and I'm actually a ghost of myself these days. I am feeling singular moments of strength these days but that's about it. I will take it though, as it's better than where I was last week and the week before.

 

The idea that she's checking his phone now actually helps me from reaching out.

 

We will get there.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I hate that you're feeling this too. It's really devastating and I'm actually a ghost of myself these days. I am feeling singular moments of strength these days but that's about it. I will take it though, as it's better than where I was last week and the week before.

 

The idea that she's checking his phone now actually helps me from reaching out.

 

We will get there.

 

Are there times we he reaches out and you don’t respond?

[CrushingHope]

Are there times we he reaches out and you don’t respond?

 

No, there haven't been. There have been times in the past where I was short with my responses with him, but I've always responded.

 

Things have changed over the two years, and he typically doesn't reach out just to say hi. He did before but not now. He will reach out when he's considering walking away from her. I fall for it every time because he really seems like he's at the end of his rope. And then he gets the "courage" or whatever and leaves impulsively rather than really plan things out. I do think he's miserable but I don't think he's hit a rock bottom that might make him do this for good (regardless of me).

 

It's not good enough for me. And I'm trying to continue to keep that at the forefront of my mind. And you should too. If your situation is anything like mine, it's not good enough for you either.

[CantTakeMySmile]

It's not good enough for me. And I'm trying to continue to keep that at the forefront of my mind. And you should too. If your situation is anything like mine, it's not good enough for you either.

 

These words are so true. I wouldn’t wish this confusion and pin on my worse enemy. Just keep swimming....

[CrushingHope]

I feel so angry today. I feel like I've lost my faith in humanity and in the potential to find happiness.

 

A guy at my work cheats on his wife all the time and is now divorcing her to be with her friend who also cheated on her husband. This guy at my work is a seemingly good guy.

 

It all makes me want to give up...like the thought of trying to find someone new is overwhelming me with thoughts that I will be back in this pain for one reason or another even if I was with someone different.

 

I hate this feeling. Especially going into the weekend where I always seem to find myself lower than during the week.

 

Negativity. It is all around me right now. I need to feel uplifted somehow. I'm listening to stories of hope and inspiration on podcasts. I'm trying to see good in people but I'm losing faith that I will ever find a good man.

[Thinky]

hi CrushingHope, I've read your whole thread and have identified with lots of what you have gone through and are still facing.

Things can be super tough when you are stuck in that 'waiting for someone' or 'waiting for someone to change' limbo-mindset. Eventually, you'll learn to only judge actions and will be able to set your boundaries so that you wont get hurt again.

 

I'm sorry you're finding it difficult today.

 

People get tangled up in such horrible dysfunctional relationships that are never going to result in happiness. Are you feeling angry because things seem to be 'working out' for your colleague? I honestly doubt things are, I actually feel sorry for them all. What a horrible way to come together, relationships all built on dishonesty and lies. Eugh.

 

The key thing I wanted to say to you is, there really are plenty of decent, lovely people out there! But, I don't think you are ready to meet them (yet). As soon as you are in more of a healthy space in mind and body, new friends and new potential partners come into your life. It's a long, slow process to recover from heartache trauma, and you have to continually put in the work. It sounds like you are really trying!

I found loads of exercise was the only thing that helped me change my mindset. And walking in the woods for hours! That's definitely something to look forward to doing at the weekend Take care CrushingHope!

[CrushingHope]

Thank you Thinky, for taking the time to read this whole thing and for sharing your thoughts.

 

I am not normally an angry person. I lean towards sad over angry most of the time. Maybe I'm angry in general today. I find myself thinking about age these days and health and death and hoping I will be able to find happiness in my life before it's too late. I guess he's the closest I've had so I keep wanting to go back to it. But ultimately I end up much sadder than I ever was before knowing him.

 

I feel what I'm asking for is so simple and it makes me feel like maybe I'm just not destined to have it if I haven't by age 43.

 

I don't know. Just a rough day I guess. Maybe I'm coming to terms with not having hin in my life. Maybe dealing with a new stage of the grieving process today... Not sure.

 

I will have to up my exercise. I keep hearing it's a good answer. I just need to make it a priority.

[BaileyB]

I feel so angry today. I feel like I've lost my faith in humanity and in the potential to find happiness.

 

A guy at my work cheats on his wife all the time and is now divorcing her to be with her friend who also cheated on her husband. This guy at my work is a seemingly good guy.

 

It all makes me want to give up...like the thought of trying to find someone new is overwhelming me with thoughts that I will be back in this pain for one reason or another even if I was with someone different.

 

I hate this feeling. Especially going into the weekend where I always seem to find myself lower than during the week.

 

Negativity. It is all around me right now. I need to feel uplifted somehow. I'm listening to stories of hope and inspiration on podcasts. I'm trying to see good in people but I'm losing faith that I will ever find a good man.

 

That's called catastrophizing. Be careful with that kind of black or white, all or nothing thinking. It's not always the truth and it can be very unhealthy.

 

Do someone that brings YOU joy today. Even, if it's just buying your favorite Starbucks coffee. Do something that makes you smile today - just because, it feels good to be alive.

[FMW]

Try to use that anger to stop swimming around in missing him, loving him, etc. Focus that anger where it belongs (and honestly what it's all about) - on him.

 

You don't have to hate him, you don't even have to stop loving him. But stop doing and thinking the same things over and over again. It's not working!

 

Loving him and wanting him doesn't mean you can't start moving forward without him. If you're waiting to all of a sudden stop feeling what you feel for him before you snap out of it, then you're going to be stuck for life.

[CrushingHope]

That's called catastrophizing. Be careful with that kind of black or white, all or nothing thinking. It's not always the truth and it can be very unhealthy.

 

Do someone that brings YOU joy today. Even, if it's just buying your favorite Starbucks coffee. Do something that makes you smile today - just because, it feels good to be alive.

 

Yeah. I'm definitely in a catastrophic thinking mindset right now, you're right.

 

I went and got myself Thai food for dinner...not something I do often. I was walking up to my condo and was just thinking about how much I want someone in my life to share the little things like this...getting dinner together, enjoying the normal, basic moments of life with. I don't even get excited about the dating phase because that phase scares me I guess. I want to get right to the comfortable part where I know I'm loved and that someone wants to be there with me.

[CrushingHope]

Try to use that anger to stop swimming around in missing him, loving him, etc. Focus that anger where it belongs (and honestly what it's all about) - on him.

 

You don't have to hate him, you don't even have to stop loving him. But stop doing and thinking the same things over and over again. It's not working!

 

Loving him and wanting him doesn't mean you can't start moving forward without him. If you're waiting to all of a sudden stop feeling what you feel for him before you snap out of it, then you're going to be stuck for life.

 

I'm angry at him, yes. But I guess I'm angrier at the universe. I know that sounds incredibly dramatic. But I am.

 

I feel so ignored. And invisible. And easy to walk away from. Every time I said this to him...that he made me feel so easy to walk away from, he would tell me how hard it was for him to walk away and know what he's missing out on by not being able to be with me. It's such crap.

 

He would rather be miserable with her than anything with me.

[FMW]

This isn't about you. It's about him. His issues, his hangups. Not anything lacking in you, nothing about you being easy to walk away from. He. is. messed. up.

 

You'll never get to that comfort stage with someone else that you were writing about as long as you let him take up so much space in your head. Because you'll never even get to the go out and get to know each other phase. That's the consequences of staying stuck.

[CrushingHope]

This isn't about you. It's about him. His issues, his hangups. Not anything lacking in you, nothing about you being easy to walk away from. He. is. messed. up.

 

You'll never get to that comfort stage with someone else that you were writing about as long as you let him take up so much space in your head. Because you'll never even get to the go out and get to know each other phase. That's the consequences of staying stuck.

 

I just don't understand how he could come back time after time and keep doing the same thing. What's the point. If he wants to be there, stay there! I don't get it!

 

I know it's about him. But why drag me into it? What does he get out of it?

 

I know it "doesn't matter" but it seems to, to me. I have such a hard time moving on from things I don't understand.

 

I think I mentioned this before, but when I was in nursing school, a teacher said to me very early on in my education "your biggest hurdle, not only as a nurse but in life in general, is going to be accepting that you can't know the answers to everything"...

 

Maybe that's the lesson I'm supposed to be learning here. It sure isn't getting through.

[jah526]

I just don't understand how he could come back time after time and keep doing the same thing. What's the point. If he wants to be there, stay there! I don't get it!

 

I know it's about him. But why drag me into it? What does he get out of it?

 

I know it "doesn't matter" but it seems to, to me. I have such a hard time moving on from things I don't understand.

 

I think I mentioned this before, but when I was in nursing school, a teacher said to me very early on in my education "your biggest hurdle, not only as a nurse but in life in general, is going to be accepting that you can't know the answers to everything"...

 

Maybe that's the lesson I'm supposed to be learning here. It sure isn't getting through.

 

I have this same problem. Comes from having an analytical mind I guess. You think that if you could just understand it, make sense of it, that you could move on from it. It’s literally taken me years to get over previous breakups.

 

I don’t know if you’ve ever read ChumpLady, but she has a term for this. It’s called untangling the skein of f***ed-upedness. The last time I was with MM I looked at him and thought, I can’t trust anything he says. I can’t untangle his dysfunction. I don’t know what’s in his mind and can’t trust what he tells me.

 

Sometimes, as heartbreaking as it is, you have to let people sort out their own issues lest you get tangled up in them as well.