From GF to OW

[Zahara]

You noted that the pain allows you to feel something. The pain -- the highs and lows is the drama you've chosen to be a part of for the past two years of your life. Your suffering has far surpassed the duration of your interactions with him. When I say "thriving" I don't mean that in the positive sense. Just as he is unhappy with her, he stays because he thrives, in that in his brain, that sort of dysfunction has become normalcy to him. Just like you, you stay in dysfunction because it's what you've adapted to and can't find any other way of life acceptable or fathomable.

 

This has nothing to do with how you conduct yourself with your family and friends. Relationship toxicity/dysfunction isn't the same as how you manage your interactions with your family and friends.

 

So what if he told his son? I bet he tells a lot of people a lot of nonsense. If he was a man of integrity and honesty, he wouldn't have such poor relationships with those that have been closest to him. Yes, he told his son -- but he's with her. Words without action = BS.

 

What does it matter if he said something and then changed his mind. How does one trust when words are fleeting? A healthy minded man dates a woman, has a relationship with her, builds a foundation and says the words when he truly means it. He may have felt it at the moment but his words, just like his behavior, bouncing between the two of you has been utterly unreliable and empty.

 

This man has no concept of what love is because if he did, he wouldn't be doing what he's doing. He wouldn't have friends and family that have chosen to alienate him. A man that truly loves you, will be kind enough to spare you the pain and leave you alone knowing that he cannot give you what you want. That is what a man who has empathy and kindness will do for you. Men that breeze in and out of your life without ever considering how much pain they are inflicting on you, only do it because it feeds a benefit that needs to be satisfied.

 

His supposed feelings for you both are not enough when it has come at the expense of destroying your self-esteem.

Edited June 7, 2018 by Zahara

[CrushingHope]

You noted that the pain allows you to feel something. The pain -- the highs and lows is the drama you've chosen to be a part of for the past two years of your life. Your suffering has far surpassed the duration of your relationship with him. When I say "thriving" I don't mean that in the positive sense. Just as he is unhappy with her, he stays because he thrives, in that in his brain, that sort of dysfunction has become normalcy to him. Just like you, you stay in dysfunction because it's what you've adapted to and can't find any other way of life acceptable or fathomable.

 

That makes more sense now. I have definitely allowed myself to adapt to this somehow...this has become my norm just as their toxic back and forth has become their norm. And none of it is healthy or will bring anything good for the long-term.

 

 

So what if he told his son? I bet he tells a lot of people a lot of nonsense. If he was a man of integrity and honesty, he wouldn't have such poor relationships with those that have been closest to him. Yes, he told his son -- but he's with her. Words without action = BS.

 

What do you think he really wants? I do believe he's doing all of this for his own selfish reasons...but what are they? Do you think he's known what he's wanted all along and is just playing games? I guess I keep thinking he wants to be able to leave but just can't seem to let it go...maybe that's why I have so much compassion for him. Very twisted.

 

This man has no concept of what love is because if he did, he wouldn't be doing what he's doing. He wouldn't have friends and family that have chosen to alienate him. A man that truly loves you, will be kind enough to spare you the pain and leave you alone knowing that he cannot give you what you want. That is what a man who has empathy and kindness will do for you. Men that breeze in and out of your life without ever considering how much pain they are inflicting on you, only do it because it feeds a benefit that needs to be satisfied.

 

He has said so many times that he knows how much he's hurt me. He's fully aware of it. I Just don't understand why he would want to keep doing that to anyone.

[Zahara]

What do you think he really wants? I do believe he's doing all of this for his own selfish reasons...but what are they? Do you think he's known what he's wanted all along and is just playing games? I guess I keep thinking he wants to be able to leave but just can't seem to let it go...maybe that's why I have so much compassion for him. Very twisted.

 

He clings to the one that can benefit him the most. He doesn't chose between the two of you because of love. He chooses which one of you can best satisfy his needs. When things are bad with her, he comes to you to likely fill a temporary void -- whether it be loneliness, sex, company, distraction, etc. When things settle over there, he goes back to the same cycle.

 

The bold -- said every OW about their married man (on this forum and my two girlfriends who were once in affairs). Oh the poor thing can't leave because his wife is such a witch. Poor man. Your ex is where he is because he is choosing to be there. If he is such a weak man that he can't leave, then why would you even want to be with a man of such character?

 

Compassion -- gift it to yourself.

 

He has said so many times that he knows how much he's hurt me. He's fully aware of it. I Just don't understand why he would want to keep doing that to anyone.

 

It is because while he knows it hurts you, your hurt comes second to his needs. The priority is that he is able to be soothed by you, the aftermath which is your pain, is your problem.

 

His acknowledgement means absolutely nothing when he consciously keeps doing it regardless of how much it hurts you. Again, words without action = BS.

Edited June 7, 2018 by Zahara

[CrushingHope]

Yes...I think that's true, that he goes to whomever benefits him most. I think he gets fed up there and thinks he's finished with it and her and that life and he comes to me, gets soothed for a while and then either misses her/their life, whatever, and goes back. This time, I believe he became too uncomfortable because I wouldn't let him move in (although he knew this before leaving her) and he ended up in a new city, new job, and on his mom's couch. It was not meeting his needs. The discomfort was too much.

Even when he left her, he did it by phone...not thinking about her feelings at all. And alllllll of a sudden it was "all about me"...

 

He is not a good person. I believed he had potential to be the version of himself that I saw when things were really good. But I don't know if he does. Everyone (myself, her, his ex-in-laws etc) has made it perfectly easy and acceptable for him to do be exactly whatever he needs to be at the moment and suffer absolutely no consequences. I tried by not letting him move in. I thought he would work for what he said he wanted. But he just went back to where things were easy. Even though things there are bad and they fight and it's "awful", he gets all his needs met in many ways so why not come and go as he pleases...no one makes it hard for him.

 

F*** i'm so angry.

[Zahara]

People are usually on their best behavior when they first meet and court you. A version that represents their best image in hopes of wooing you. Don’t trust that version until it shows you consistency and reliability. If it goes from good to crap, trust that the crap version is who they really are - it never fails to reveal itself. The good version that you first saw, it’s never coming back because it was just a facade created to get what they wanted.

[CrushingHope]

I'm finding that over the last few days specifically, I'm constantly going back and forth in terms of what I'm feeling for him at any given moment.

 

After writing here last night and reading such helpful responses, I went to bed feeling a little angry but somehow more clearheaded. This morning I felt okay until I was at work and just started feeling sad about him again and missing him. And then these thoughts of him coming back flood my mind again and I'm okay again for very different reasons. One minute I'm feeling clearheaded and more powerful and like I'll be better without him, and it feels okay, good even, and then my mind goes to a memory of him with me and just that image makes me sad, and to fight it I think "i know how happy he seemed in that moment with me, he will want to feel that again and come back" and then all of a sudden I feel stronger knowing he'll come back again.

 

Is this back and forth normal? I guess it's somewhat of an improvement because even last week at this time I wasn't ever feeling all that clearheaded about not wanting this dysfunction. I could respect that it WAS dysfunctional, but I still wanted it no matter what. And now I have some very clear moments where I know I will be better without him.

[Zahara]

Yes, you’re going through the stages of grief. This will help you understand your emotions.

 

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/grief/understanding-the-stages-of-grief/

[CrushingHope]

As a nursing student, I studied the stages of grief. Maybe I've never experienced them, but this doesn't feel like it fits into any of those stages. I guess they're not to be taken so literally. And that in reality, the stages of grief are probably quite different for everyone.

 

I feel hopeful for the wrong reasons. When I'm feeling hopeful about my future life it's usually when I'm feeling confident that I will hear from him again. And when I'm telling myself that we will be able to make a good life together. Perhaps that's just the denial phase still.

 

I've never fully gone through the grieving stages about him because he's always come back.

 

I don't really know how to process what I'm feeling on a moment to moment basis. But I guess I don't need to do that. I just need to get from one day to the next without breaking down.

[anika99]

I don't think it's necessarily grief either. I think it's addiction and withdrawal. When one becomes involved in a relationship that has a lot of push/pull and extreme highs and lows it changes your brain chemistry and becomes an addiction. Even though your relationship with the MM is currently over your brain is still addicted to the chemicals associated with that relationship.

[Zahara]

As a nursing student, I studied the stages of grief. Maybe I've never experienced them, but this doesn't feel like it fits into any of those stages. I guess they're not to be taken so literally. And that in reality, the stages of grief are probably quite different for everyone.

 

I feel hopeful for the wrong reasons. When I'm feeling hopeful about my future life it's usually when I'm feeling confident that I will hear from him again. And when I'm telling myself that we will be able to make a good life together. Perhaps that's just the denial phase still.

 

I've never fully gone through the grieving stages about him because he's always come back.

 

I don't really know how to process what I'm feeling on a moment to moment basis. But I guess I don't need to do that. I just need to get from one day to the next without breaking down.

 

What you are feeling is normal. After ending, I did the same back and forth. Whether the relationship had clearly ended or whether the ex was in and out of my life, with every separation period, that initial stage of denial and bargaining was intense. One moment feeling empowered and acceptance, the next feeling like something under my shoe and the next feeling hopeful that we would be together again. It's normal to go through those cycles. My biggest hurdle was a devil called hope. It's going to be hovering over you for quite a bit.

 

Embrace what you feel -- don't question or create angst over it. Just let it come -- cry if you need to, spend a moment pondering on it, reframe the thought by trying to find rationality and then get up and move. Don't spend too much time dwelling because that creates a pattern of obsession.

 

When you start thinking about a life with him, you need to snap out of that fantasy thinking and start to focus on who you are fantasizing about and what your reality with him truly is. Journal - everytime you stray, go back and read your words. You need to change your thought pattern especially when it comes to the plain old truth about this man.

 

You need to reach some level of acceptance that while you want to be loved and cared for by a man, this one is never going to be it.

[CantTakeMySmile]

As a nursing student, I studied the stages of grief. Maybe I've never experienced them, but this doesn't feel like it fits into any of those stages. I guess they're not to be taken so literally. And that in reality, the stages of grief are probably quite different for everyone.

 

I feel hopeful for the wrong reasons. When I'm feeling hopeful about my future life it's usually when I'm feeling confident that I will hear from him again. And when I'm telling myself that we will be able to make a good life together. Perhaps that's just the denial phase still.

 

I've never fully gone through the grieving stages about him because he's always come back.

 

I don't really know how to process what I'm feeling on a moment to moment basis. But I guess I don't need to do that. I just need to get from one day to the next without breaking down.

 

 

I am glad to know I am not crazy. The times where I feel like things will be ok, are the times I feel she will be back. But, I KNOW I don't' want her back, so it is such a conflicting thought process.

 

 

I think this can drive one mad! I haven't thought of her as much the last few days but when I do, my stomach just turns. I just tell myself to wait and see how I feel tomorrow, and then tomorrow I repeat the same mantra. The worse part of that is, for me, it feels like I am just wasting time.

[CrushingHope]

What you are feeling is normal. After ending, I did the same back and forth. Whether the relationship had clearly ended or whether the ex was in and out of my life, with every separation period, that initial stage of denial and bargaining was intense. One moment feeling empowered and acceptance, the next feeling like something under my shoe and the next feeling hopeful that we would be together again. It's normal to go through those cycles. My biggest hurdle was a devil called hope. It's going to be hovering over you for quite a bit.

 

Embrace what you feel -- don't question or create angst over it. Just let it come -- cry if you need to, spend a moment pondering on it, reframe the thought by trying to find rationality and then get up and move. Don't spend too much time dwelling because that creates a pattern of obsession.

 

When you start thinking about a life with him, you need to snap out of that fantasy thinking and start to focus on who you are fantasizing about and what your reality with him truly is. Journal - everytime you stray, go back and read your words. You need to change your thought pattern especially when it comes to the plain old truth about this man.

 

You need to reach some level of acceptance that while you want to be loved and cared for by a man, this one is never going to be it.

 

I think hope is what is really destroying me (hence my username) and why every time he's walked out of my life I haven't truly been able to move on and end up welcoming him back with open arms every time. The longest we've gone NC is 4 months. And the entire time I was still hopeful that he would come back. How do you get rid of it? Or put that hope into something else that feels so much less likely?

 

I journal daily. Multiple times a day to deal with the obsessive thoughts. But I put the pen down and he's still there all the time.

 

Everything brings my mind back to a path that leads to him. Everything I see or hear reminds me of something we did or talked about. My memory is a steel trap and I can't not remember everything. And when I talk to him, he remembers everything too so I always think it shows how present he was with me.

 

I want to hate him like others do. I want to be able to see him for all of his bad qualities rather than the romanticized ones I attach to the honeymoon version of him that I saw every day. It's like I completely erase any bad I saw in him in order to keep myself where I am. And this isn't serving me. I'm not happy. I am insanely miserable. I want to feel happy again but I keep telling myself that the only true place of happiness will be with him... It's not normal. Or healthy.

 

I want to come back here one day and tell you all that I'm over him and that I'm in a better place and that I wake up not thinking abiut him every minute of every day...

[Minneloa]

 

I journal daily. Multiple times a day to deal with the obsessive thoughts. But I put the pen down and he's still there all the time.

 

Everything brings my mind back to a path that leads to him. Everything I see or hear reminds me of something we did or talked about. My memory is a steel trap and I can't not remember everything.

 

I want to come back here one day and tell you all that I'm over him and that I'm in a better place and that I wake up not thinking abiut him every minute of every day...

 

CH,

 

This level of obsessive thinking is worrisome--if you are debilitated by your inability to stop ruminating about him, you might reconsider looking into medication as a tool to alleviate your depression and short-circuit the obsessive cycle.

 

M.

[BaileyB]

CH,

 

This level of obsessive thinking is worrisome--if you are debilitated by your inability to stop ruminating about him, you might reconsider looking into medication as a tool to alleviate your depression and short-circuit the obsessive cycle.

 

M.

 

Agreed. For what it’s worth, I don’t see this as moving through the stages of grief as much as falling into old patterns of behaviour... rheumination and obsessive thought patterns being your drug of choice these days.

[Zahara]

I think hope is what is really destroying me (hence my username) and why every time he's walked out of my life I haven't truly been able to move on and end up welcoming him back with open arms every time. The longest we've gone NC is 4 months. And the entire time I was still hopeful that he would come back. How do you get rid of it? Or put that hope into something else that feels so much less likely?

 

When you choose to see things as they really are. I think your hunger for love and to be loved overrides all form of rationality and reality. It's not so much your desire for him, but your desire to feel those feel good feelings again. And with every return, you get a taste, you lose it and you crave again.

 

You have to let go of the fantasy. Fantasy will keep you holding on further, never allowing you to move forward. If time and time again, his appearance in your life has been of a negative impact, why do you think the next time he comes around, it will be of a different light?

 

Again, it's not him you seek -- you want to latch to whatever you believe can fill that void in your life, and if that means embellishing your reality so that it justifies holding on a little longer, you're going to do it.

 

I journal daily. Multiple times a day to deal with the obsessive thoughts. But I put the pen down and he's still there all the time.

 

And that's perfectly fine. Keep doing it and keep going back to your words. Aside from consistently writing about him -- be honest with yourself in your writings -- what do I want from this relationship | can I achieve it with him and if not, why not | what makes him a great partner | what are the values I seek in a man and a relationship | what do you believe you deserve | will I be happy if he came back | have I ever felt genuine love from him | what does a loving relationship look like | is it that I can't leave or I won't leave, and why -- put your words down and see your reality.

 

What else are you doing with your time? What activities are you involved in? Have you written down some goals and if you have, are you taking steps towards it? Do you have friends | have you considered going to few meetups and being around likeminded and positive people? Are you exercising and being active? What are you doing to help nurture and nourish yourself?

 

Everything brings my mind back to a path that leads to him. Everything I see or hear reminds me of something we did or talked about. My memory is a steel trap and I can't not remember everything. And when I talk to him, he remembers everything too so I always think it shows how present he was with me.

 

Your mind will always want to go back but you have to reel it back in. You're going to be this way for awhile and there is no short cut. You have emotionally and mentally invested yourself into 2 years of suffering. You have conditioned yourself to keep going down this path. It doesn't know any different but to keep doing it -- your choice to suffer has far surpassed your interactions with him.

 

When your are with someone and it feels bad, it means it is bad for you. There's no other way about it. What does it mean that he remembers the memories, when he chooses not to be with you. Remembering memories are easy but taking action and making a plan to be with someone you love, and building a foundation with someone is what matters. You're holding on to crumbs instead of focusing on what the act of true and genuine love means and entails.

 

I want to come back here one day and tell you all that I'm over him and that I'm in a better place and that I wake up not thinking abiut him every minute of every day...

 

You start by completely eliminating any contact with him. Otherwise, you'll keep posting on here running the same cycle.

 

There's a saying -- the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

[Zahara]

I agree with M and Bailey B -- have you talked to your doctor about medication?

[CrushingHope]

When you choose to see things as they really are. I think your hunger for love and to be loved overrides all form of rationality and reality. It's not so much your desire for him, but your desire to feel those feel good feelings again. And with every return, you get a taste, you lose it and you crave again.

 

Yes, this speaks to me. I recognize, I think, that this is true. I just don't know how to stop myself from associating those feelings with him.

 

What else are you doing with your time? What activities are you involved in? Have you written down some goals and if you have, are you taking steps towards it? Do you have friends | have you considered going to few meetups and being around likeminded and positive people? Are you exercising and being active? What are you doing to help nurture and nourish yourself?

 

I'm not doing enough with my time. I don't have a lot of friends here yet and I feel very ashamed of myself that I tend to shrink back into myself and not do things I'm invited to. I'm invited to brunch on Sunday with 4 friends and I said I might be able to come, but really I'm not sure I can do it. I just feel like the worst possible version of myself and haven't seen two of these girls for many years that I'm scared they will think "wtf has happened to her?!"

 

I'm going out for walks a few times a week...during lunch with a friend, and one night a week for an 8km walk with another friend. I have good people but in my mind I don't want anyone to see me like this so I only do a few things here and there...and even when I'm there, I don't really enjoy myself. I have been enjoying my 8km walk with my friend, though, and getting to spend some time with her two little kids brightens my week. I do have moments where I'm feeling ok. Not "good" but ok. A guy at work has been super supportive of all of this and I haven't been talking to him at all about it this week. I'm trying not to talk to people about it anymore. I think that's why I seem so terrible when I come here...because it's pent up from the day.

 

I'm scared of taking meds. For many reasons. As I've said, my therapist and I did talk about it, and she agrees that for now it might not be the best choice, but she said instead I must be exercising more, and I haven't been doing enough.

 

When your are with someone and it feels bad, it means it is bad for you.

 

It never feels bad when I'm with him. Up until the last time, it has always felt amazing. He makes me feel on top of the world. And in a way, that feels a little like love to me because I don't really know real love. This is the closest I've gotten to it in 15 years so I absolutely latch onto it, even if it's not "him" that I'm craving, like you said...it's the "feelings of love" that I experienced...but they came from him and he seemed to be so genuine. And he keeps coming back and keeps saying that he can't get over me and that he'll never be able to and even when he goes back to her, he can't stop thinking about me. He makes it sound like he's so torn and confused and "woe is me". "I spent the entire weekend rolled up on the couch, emotionally drained" he would tell me "I don't want to be here". And a few days later, he left her...so how could I not think he was telling the truth?!

 

I believe what he says and I know he keeps going back there and those actions say a lot, but he keeps coming back to me too. So wtf am I supposed to believe...

 

The last time he was with me, I was more hesitant and skeptical and unsure. I do have a feeling that if we ever did get a real chance, without her in the picture, I would end up breaking things off with him. I try to focus on that. And that I was doubtful and didn't trust him, specifically this last time. I'm trying to change my thinking. I'm trying to redirect my thoughts.

 

One of my goals was to get this new job at work. I got it and I start Monday. It's only a four month assignment, but there is a very small chance I could stay on after. I need to prove myself. And fight for it. The job is so new to me and I really had to fight to get my chance to do it (I had so much confidence in myself when I was asking for the opportunity), and it will be a huge new challenge and learning curve. I'm hoping the constant distraction will help me from ruminating so much during the day...my job right now is mindless.

 

Sorry for the long rant. You guys have no idea how much this actually helps me, even thought I'm sure it doesn't seem like it. Thank you.

[Zahara]

Yes, this speaks to me. I recognize, I think, that this is true. I just don't know how to stop myself from associating those feelings with him.

 

Some need to get a hammer over the head over and over again until they finally realize the hurt of staying is far too painful than the hurt of leaving. I have a girlfriend who was having an affair with a married man for 10 years. He would come and go. She was in complete denial always hoping that his next return would be different. When it ended after 10 years and he completely vanished, she spent another 5 years in more denial. At 50 she lost her chance for a real relationship and her want for children.

 

You know how to stop, it can stop and it will take time but you don't want to stop because you desire this man and what you believe he can give you.

 

I'm not doing enough with my time. I don't have a lot of friends here yet and I feel very ashamed of myself that I tend to shrink back into myself and not do things I'm invited to.

 

As I have mentioned before, you have to step out and do what feels uncomfortable. You have to force yourself. Your friends are not going to think ill of you -- that sort of thinking comes from your own devaluation of yourself.

 

I was in a bad relationship once and I had wilted away to nothing. I was losing my hair. I alienated myself from my friends. But one day I went to visit friend and she cried when she saw me. Trust that those who care for you, will not judge you but lift you up.

 

I'm scared of taking meds. For many reasons. As I've said, my therapist and I did talk about it, and she agrees that for now it might not be the best choice, but she said instead I must be exercising more, and I haven't been doing enough.

 

It's a choice, CH. No one can help you if you do not want to help yourself. I'm going to keep saying again and again -- you need to step out of your comfort zone and do the uncomfortable. You need to change your habits. You need to push and force yourself even when you hate it or can't muster the energy.

 

It never feels bad when I'm with him. Up until the last time, it has always felt amazing. He makes me feel on top of the world. And in a way, that feels a little like love to me because I don't really know real love.

 

That is not what I mean. A relationship/love is supposed to nurture you. Throw the temporary highs you get from him out the window. IT IS NOT REAL.

 

When you are in a situation that makes you feel bad about yourself and doesn't give you anything but temporary highs and indefinite pain -- IT IS BAD FOR YOU.

 

and he keeps coming back and keeps saying that he can't get over me and that he'll never be able to and even when he goes back to her, he can't stop thinking about me. He makes it sound like he's so torn and confused and "woe is me". "I spent the entire weekend rolled up on the couch, emotionally drained" he would tell me "I don't want to be here". And a few days later, he left her...so how could I not think he was telling the truth?!

 

You know that he is not telling the truth because words are easy, focus on action. He fed you a bunch of words but through action did the exact opposite. How is that believable -- worst off, he's done it many times so where is the basis of truth in that when he has never followed through on any of his words? Any Tom, Dick and Harry can feed you words. You can't be that gullible. Most men will feed you BS if they know you easily buy it. It's not real when they are not reinforced with action.

 

How many times does a man have to leave you for you to figure out your truth?

 

I believe what he says and I know he keeps going back there and those actions say a lot, but he keeps coming back to me too. So wtf am I supposed to believe...

 

He comes back to you because you are a temporary fallback when things aren't going well with her. You know this -- you even admitted it in an earlier post. This is your reality. The thing is, I do think you know your role in his life, but it's a difficult reality to accept.

Edited June 9, 2018 by Zahara

[CrushingHope]

What I think to be true based on many tidbits of things he's said along the way, actions he's made, and things I've heard over the last two years is this...I think he is in love with her (even though he says he fell out of love with her years ago), and wants to be with her and feels a sense of belonging with her/their friends etc....but that he doesn't get the love he craves from her...not in terms of sex but other things...affection, attention, doing things together... And he comes to me when he starts to realize that he isn't going to get what he wants out of a relationship with her (he never has). But when gets to me he gets everything he thinks he wants, but I think he wants it from her...so he goes back. And maybe every time he goes back he thinks it will get better, and it doesn't. He said once "how many times will it take for me to realize that she will never give me the relationship I want and need".

 

Many times he has made reference to his heart vs his brain. She's what his heart wants, I'm what he knows is a "better choice". He has never admitted this to me in so many words, but when he's referencing this , I'm sure that's what it is.

 

I know this means I'm second choice. I know that I was in a similar situation and I finally decided to leave the "heart" choice and go to the person I knew was better for me...and that relationship was much better in the end...even though I ended up walking away for other reasons (years and years later).

 

I guess I wait because I feel like this could happen for him...he could finally decide to leave her for good and try with me.

 

But he's hurt me so much now that I don't think it would even work out and I've lost all faith in trusting him.

 

I just hurt so much from this that it never feels like I'm going to be okay again. I got up early and left the house to just go do something and nothing feels good.

 

I do get out of my comfort zone several times a week. But nothing changes. I come home and feel lonely and angry and sad and it just feels like nothing is ever going to get better. I know I have to stop wanting him. I know he's not good enough for me.

 

I only have a few really good friends here and the others are just acquaintances. I am a shell of myself and the entire time I'm out with anyone, I just want to go home. And then I just sit here and feel sorry for myself.

 

I have been lonely for a very long time. There's only so much one person can take.

[BaileyB]

It never feels bad when I'm with him. Up until the last time, it has always felt amazing. He makes me feel on top of the world.

 

I believe what he says and I know he keeps going back there and those actions say a lot, but he keeps coming back to me too. So wtf am I supposed to believe....

 

It never feels bad with him because what you have together is essentially a holiday. A honeymoon. You can forget the stress of your life, you feelings of depression and anxiety, because you have a distraction standing right in front of you. What you have is a fantasy - you have created a fantasy around this man that is NOT REAL.

 

As to what are you supposed to believe... believe this- this guy doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t know if he is coming or going. He is indecisive, avoids conflict, he has proven by his actions that he is untrustworthy, unworthy, and uninterested in a forever relationship with you.

 

I say this not to be disrespectful, but to illustrate a point. You are like a woman who gives a man her hand, and then he uses her hand to hit herself repeatedly in the head. You know, the old joke where then he says “why do you keep hitting yourself? Stop hitting you head? You are going to hurt yourself? You are allowing him, by letting him back into your life time and again, to keep hitting you. And then, with this obsessive rheumination, you continue to ask yourself - why does he do this? Why do I keep hurting myself? There is no answer, except to take your hand away and make it stop.

[Zahara]

What I think to be true based on many tidbits of things he's said along the way, actions he's made, and things I've heard over the last two years is this...I think he is in love with her (even though he says he fell out of love with her years ago), and wants to be with her and feels a sense of belonging with her/their friends etc....but that he doesn't get the love he craves from her...not in terms of sex but other things...affection, attention, doing things together... And he comes to me when he starts to realize that he isn't going to get what he wants out of a relationship with her (he never has). But when gets to me he gets everything he thinks he wants, but I think he wants it from her...so he goes back. And maybe every time he goes back he thinks it will get better, and it doesn't. He said once "how many times will it take for me to realize that she will never give me the relationship I want and need".

 

Many times he has made reference to his heart vs his brain. She's what his heart wants, I'm what he knows is a "better choice". He has never admitted this to me in so many words, but when he's referencing this , I'm sure that's what it is.

 

I know this means I'm second choice. I know that I was in a similar situation and I finally decided to leave the "heart" choice and go to the person I knew was better for me...and that relationship was much better in the end...even though I ended up walking away for other reasons (years and years later).

 

I guess I wait because I feel like this could happen for him...he could finally decide to leave her for good and try with me.

 

All irrelevant. He is a broken man. There is no future with him.

 

I just hurt so much from this that it never feels like I'm going to be okay again. I got up early and left the house to just go do something and nothing feels good.

 

It's not going to be okay overnight. It took me nearly a year of complete NC to finally feel some level of relief from my ex. You have conditioned yourself to pain and it's going to take quite awhile to undo all of that -- this isn't going to be a quick fix.

 

I do get out of my comfort zone several times a week. But nothing changes. I come home and feel lonely and angry and sad and it just feels like nothing is ever going to get better. I know I have to stop wanting him. I know he's not good enough for me.

 

Again, there is no quick fix. You want to feel good but getting there is going to be a journey.

 

I only have a few really good friends here and the others are just acquaintances. I am a shell of myself and the entire time I'm out with anyone, I just want to go home. And then I just sit here and feel sorry for myself.

 

And it's fine to sometimes isolate yourself but there comes a time when you have to start breaking patterns. I know how you feel and I remember the days I was surrounded by friends in their laughter and with a fake smile and a broken heart, I had to bear it. I would be dying inside but I had to put on a brave face. It does get easier as you keep on forcing yourself -- from pain comes growth. If you want change, you have to be willing to be uncomfortable.

 

have been lonely for a very long time. There's only so much one person can take.

 

There's a difference between lonely and alone. When you are content within yourself, alone is empowering. Lonely is when you're always looking for someone to fill that void in your life.

[CrushingHope]

It never feels bad with him because what you have together is essentially a holiday. A honeymoon. You can forget the stress of your life, you feelings of depression and anxiety, because you have a distraction standing right in front of you. What you have is a fantasy - you have created a fantasy around this man that is NOT REAL.

 

As to what are you supposed to believe... believe this- this guy doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t know if he is coming or going. He is indecisive, avoids conflict, he has proven by his actions that he is untrustworthy, unworthy, and uninterested in a forever relationship with you.

 

I say this not to be disrespectful, but to illustrate a point. You are like a woman who gives a man her hand, and then he uses her hand to hit herself repeatedly in the head. You know, the old joke where then he says “why do you keep hitting yourself? Stop hitting you head? You are going to hurt yourself? You are allowing him, by letting him back into your life time and again, to keep hitting you. And then, with this obsessive rheumination, you continue to ask yourself - why does he do this? Why do I keep hurting myself? There is no answer, except to take your hand away and make it stop.

 

I know you're right.

 

I can't seem to get the strength to face the world without him. With him, there is always this glimmer of hope. Without him, there's nothing.

 

I have no purpose or reason to be here. I'm not suicidal. I wouldn't take my life. But I can see why people do. When nothing feels good anymore, what's the point.

[BaileyB]

have been lonely for a very long time. There's only so much one person can take.

 

 

I know what it is to feel lonely. It is a terrible feeling and I’m sorry that you feel this way.

 

But, if you are looking for the solution in a man, particularly this man, you are looking in the wrong place.

 

And, with this constant rheumination, you really have become your own worst enemy. Your thoughts create your reality. This kind of obsessive thinking keeps you in a downward spiral of depression... it makes it so difficult to get out. I hear you trying, but when you are down back to the comfort of your thoughts and engage in this kind of thinking you get drawn back into this depressive spiral.

 

I was once feeling lonely and depressed... I once sat and wrote on a paper all the thoughts that were looping in my head. When I saw the negativity that was constantly running though my mind on paper, it was shocking to me. I remember thinking - no doubt I am feeling depressed and unhappy. Listen to what I tell myself, all day, everyday...

 

To change your life, you must change your thoughts. You must stop this constant rheumatism... it’s not healthy for you and it will not help you to find any happiness in your life.

Edited June 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quote ~T

[CrushingHope]

All irrelevant. He is a broken man. There is no future with him.

 

Is there no possibility that he will finally see the light? Don't people ever?

 

 

I know how you feel and I remember the days I was surrounded by friends in their laughter and with a fake smile and a broken heart, I had to bear it. I would be dying inside but I had to put on a brave face. It does get easier as you keep on forcing yourself -- from pain comes growth. If you want change, you have to be willing to be uncomfortable.

 

I feel uncomfortable every minute of every day. I feel like I guess I don't want to change more than I want him in my life. And I don't know how to get there. I know it's what I need. And I know I WANT to WANT different. But I don't seem to and haven't gotten there yet.

 

 

There's a difference between lonely and alone. When you are content within yourself, alone is empowering. Lonely is when you're always looking for someone to fill that void in your life.

 

I am definitely lonely. Don't you feel there's really only a very small percentage of people who are actually happy alone? Most people aren't ever in the situation where they have to be and of those who are, I would guess it's only a very few who are okay with that.

 

I miss my old life...I had a handful of amazing friends and I was always doing something. They are still my friends but we are all over the country now...and where most of them are now married and have kids, I'm the last single one and it feels like that's never ever going to change I will continue to feel left out and not good enough.

[CrushingHope]

I know what it is to feel lonely. It is a terrible feeling and I’m sorry that you feel this way.

 

But, if you are looking for the solution in a man, particularly this man, you are looking in the wrong place.

 

And, with this constant rheumination, you really have become your own worst enemy. Your thoughts create your reality. This kind of obsessive thinking keeps you in a downward spiral of depression... it makes it so difficult to get out. I hear you trying, but when you are down back to the comfort of your thoughts and engage in this kind of thinking you get drawn back into this depressive spiral.

 

I was once feeling lonely and depressed... I once sat and wrote on a paper all the thoughts that were looping in my head. When I saw the negativity that was constantly running though my mind on paper, it was shocking to me. I remember thinking - no doubt I am feeling depressed and unhappy. Listen to what I tell myself, all day, everyday...

 

To change your life, you must change your thoughts. You must stop this constant rheumatism... it’s not healthy for you and it will not help you to find any happiness in your life.

 

 

I have over 35 full journals written. Obsessive thoughts almost always about my struggle with loneliness, men in my life, or my issues with my body image. All of these things have played a major role in my life for years and years. I don't know how to change what I think. How does anyone actually do that? I would love to know. Anyone who would ever read these journals would be very sad. It hasn't been a great life. And I keep hoping to have it. This man made me feel so good at the start and I guess I am desperate for that feeling again that I will put up with all the crap to get a chance to have it again even for a second.

 

I don't seem to be able to help myself.

Edited June 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quote ~T