From GF to OW

[Zahara]

I just really want to because even though he treats people poorly, I don't. And because I still care about him, I want to wish him a happy birthday. But really, I hope he has a sh*tty one.

 

This is where you allow people to keep walking all over you. Just because it is not in you to treat someone poorly, it doesn't mean you need to bestow niceties on those that do. This sort of thinking only makes you a target.

 

Yes, you can care for him but it should not come at the expense of your self-respect. Care for yourself first.

 

You need to have stronger boundaries and standards to help protect you. Start prioritizing your own feelings, your own pain, your own healing. Trust that he does not care or at least enough about you.

[CrushingHope]

One fateful night, I caught my ex-boyfriend with another woman in her car. I remember falling to my knees and literally crawling on all fours to my car because my legs felt so weak I couldn't stand. Then I saw them walk into the house and shut the door.

 

For months, I was consumed by "why didn't he pick me" and I kept running with that and I wasn't able to find any other perspective. I remember my mother feeling so worried as to my state of mind because I couldn't get mad/angry and see him for who he was. I was constantly ruminating on why he didn't pick me and what was wrong with me. I couldn't focus on the bad, I kept focusing on the fantasy of what could have been, what I hoped he would be, etc.

 

It took over a year for me to get to some level of indifference and acceptance. I would sometimes still fantasize about what could have been and I would cry here and there but it wasn't debilitating.

 

After months of isolation, my girlfriend forced me to go out. She came over, we got dressed to the nines and we went out. We walk into the restaurant and there he is -- standing there with his girlfriend. I saw his eyes light up and he had a wide smile. Yes, this mofo was actually smiling. He walked up to me, I was civil and walked away and as I walked away, I glanced at her.

 

I had two realizations that night. 1) She looked disheveled and I felt sorry for her because she was likely going through the same dysfunction I once experienced with him. I was that woman once before. And I sympathized with her because she was in a dark place 2) I embraced the gift that I was bestowed. I was finally free and I was able to live my life with emotional freedom. That's when I knew it was over.

 

You've been saying that you want the switch to flip. There is no switch. It is a gradual evolving of emotions and thoughts. It's going to take time (what you do with that time is important) for you to get through those stages of healing. You spent 2 years investing in him, it's likely going to take just as long to truly set yourself free.

 

I hate your story and love it at the same time. It gives me hope.

 

It makes me feel abnormal when people keep telling me how mad I should be. I know I should but I can't fake it. I feel how I feel.

 

I'm practicing boundaries and self care by not texting him. I won't. I know it just looks bad on me anyway and he will likely not respond or she will on his behalf or whatever which will all make me feel worse. And he will have the satisfaction of knowing that I still care and that he must not be that bad a person if I still care enough to text happy bday. Or he will be annoyed at me for texting. I don't know.

 

I won't do it.

 

I'm here instead and I'm going to get through this day however I can.

[Zahara]

It makes me feel abnormal when people keep telling me how mad I should be. I know I should but I can't fake it. I feel how I feel.

 

Yes, it's easy for those of us to tell you how you should feel when we're looking from the outside. We do it because we want you to get there but I know better because no one could tell me how to feel. I felt what I felt.

 

But I will say that you must at some point counter the fantasy thinking with a dose of reality. Even if it is fleeting, it's your way of creating a habit, conditioning your mind to fight. Small steps into reversing your state of mind. The good moments are always going to come rushing back but that doesn't mean you should let it grow.

 

I'm here instead and I'm going to get through this day however I can.

 

Try and do something nice for yourself today. If you are at work, then on your way home, get your favorite take-out. Light some candles and take a long hot bubble bath. Play some soothing music (no love longs!). Get into your comfy jammies and have a cozy dinner, with a fun movie or a good book. Try to find what makes you feel at peace in your home. Pamper yourself tonight.

[BaileyB]

 

But I will say that you must at some point counter the fantasy thinking with a dose of reality. Even if it is fleeting, it's your way of creating a habit, conditioning your mind to fight. Small steps into reversing your state of mind.

 

Exactly my point in reminding you that you don't know what is happening in their relationship. Your thought about what you "believe" to be happening between these two people may well be true, but your comments that she does not treat him well and they have a bad relationship are part of the "fantasy" you have built around this man and this relationship. You need to challenge that thinking with a dose of reality... It's really important that you do that.

[CrushingHope]

Yes, it's easy for those of us to tell you how you should feel when we're looking from the outside. We do it because we want you to get there but I know better because no one could tell me how to feel. I felt what I felt.

 

But I will say that you must at some point counter the fantasy thinking with a dose of reality. Even if it is fleeting, it's your way of creating a habit, conditioning your mind to fight. Small steps into reversing your state of mind. The good moments are always going to come rushing back but that doesn't mean you should let it grow.

 

 

 

Try and do something nice for yourself today. If you are at work, then on your way home, get your favorite take-out. Light some candles and take a long hot bubble bath. Play some soothing music (no love longs!). Get into your comfy jammies and have a cozy dinner, with a fun movie or a good book. Try to find what makes you feel at peace in your home. Pamper yourself tonight.

 

I'll try. I'm just so cranky and sad and this is when I wallow. I don't allow myself take out because I will feel guilty. I am never ever easy on myself.

But I'll keep you in mind tonight and try to ease up and do something nice.

[CrushingHope]

Exactly my point in reminding you that you don't know what is happening in their relationship. Your thought about what you "believe" to be happening between these two people may well be true, but your comments that she does not treat him well and they have a bad relationship are part of the "fantasy" you have built around this man and this relationship. You need to challenge that thinking with a dose of reality... It's really important that you do that.

 

I know what you meant Bailey. I guess I just feel better when I think they're miserable. But that's because it gives me hope. It's not the right way to go about it. But thinking they are happy makes me unbearably sad. And I don't actually believe they are happy. It's next to impossible I have found, to try to believe something that you just don't.

 

The focus needs to be off of him completely. Not if he's happy or miserable or what he's doing or thinking or feeling. I just have such a hard time redirecting my thoughts. I am such an obsessive thinker. It's a constant struggle in my life. Not just with this.

[Tamari]

Dear Crushing,

 

If it's hope you want and need right now to tide you over, here it is: yes, he will come 'knocking at your door' again. Somewhat sheepish perhaps and no doubt looking drained and miserable, and when you let him in he will (again) tell you how awful life with this woman is, what a mistake he made, that he is doubting getting married etc etc and, of course, that he keeps thinking about you.

 

At this point you can then tell him to get lost, because all of the above adds up to seven times nothing as far as depth and sincerity goes. It's just more of the bullcrap he's been feeding you (and no doubt the other woman) since day one.

 

So, you can now sit back, get yourself a nice bit of whatever you fancy and know that that 'knock on your door' will be coming. Question is: how are you going to deal with it when it does? Not only outwardly, but inside.

 

You have some time now to figure that out, but I would say don't wait too long......

[CrushingHope]

Yeah, so hard to know with him, what will happen. He is not a normal guy. I find it hard to believe I'll never hear from him again but at the same time, I do know that's what's best for me.

 

I made it through the day without texting and was fairly busy at work and french class that i didn't think about it as much as I thought I would.

 

I had my therapy session today and she is actually pleased with my progress, regardless of what it may seem like here. I did mention what I've been like at home and how obsessed I've been. But I also mentioned a few other things that she is recognizing as big strides for myself...keeping busy, going on more walks, starting the new job and french class, booking a trip to see a friend in a couple of weeks, saying yes to more than I was. I don't see them as huge accomplishments but she does. And I guess I have to start somewhere.

 

Unfortunately, you guys tend to see me at my worst moments when I have nowhere else to turn in the moment and my sadness and obsessive thoughts are taking over.

 

I appreciate everyone here, I really do. And I'm going to be okay one day. Until then, I will keep posting and keep on truckin'...

[BaileyB]

I had my therapy session today and she is actually pleased with my progress, regardless of what it may seem like here. She is recognizing as big strides for myself...keeping busy, going on more walks, starting the new job and french class, booking a trip to see a friend in a couple of weeks, saying yes to more than I was. I don't see them as huge accomplishments but she does.

 

Oh no, there is a definite difference this week. The tone of your posts is lighter, more positive, and optimistic. You are looking forward, not backward. You are more accepting of the reality of the situation, and not living in your fantasy world with this man. You are challenging your own thinking. You are not obsessing as much as you are focused on your own life and living in the moment...

 

CH, you are truly a lovely person. You should be really pleased with yourself. Compared to where you were last week or even on the weekend, you have definitely made progress this week. I see it!

[CrushingHope]

Thank you Bailey. I don't know if I see too much of a difference because I still feel the same inside. But I am definitely making and effort to be busier and say yes to more things even when I know I don't want to do things. I know I have to get myself out of this.

 

I think I will want him for a long time. And I don't know what will come of my future in terms of being able to be with anyone or being open to dating again. I can't see it.

 

But I can't sit here waiting for him.

[BaileyB]

Thank you Bailey. I don't know if I see too much of a difference because I still feel the same inside. But I am definitely making and effort to be busier and say yes to more things even when I know I don't want to do things. I know I have to get myself out of this.

 

I think I will want him for a long time. And I don't know what will come of my future in terms of being able to be with anyone or being open to dating again. I can't see it.

 

But I can't sit here waiting for him.

 

No, you can't wait for him. With time and a different perspective, you will realize that you don't really want to...

 

It's a process. It will take time. Perhaps someday, you will be ready to date again. But, if you are not, that's ok too.

[CrushingHope]

No, you can't wait for him. With time and a different perspective, you will realize that you don't really want to...

 

It's a process. It will take time. Perhaps someday, you will be ready to date again. But, if you are not, that's ok too.

 

The problem is that I want to be with someone. I want to have someone in my life. But the dating process is not something I want to do. I hate it so much.

 

Anyway. I'm feeling a little negative this morning I guess.

[Zahara]

The problem is that I want to be with someone. I want to have someone in my life. But the dating process is not something I want to do. I hate it so much.

 

Anyway. I'm feeling a little negative this morning I guess.

 

I didn't want to date as well after my last break-up. The thought was nauseating. But I also knew I wasn't in any way ready for a relationship with a man when I never and didn't ever cultivate one with myself. So I agonized through the pain of being alone at first but then I got comfortable with being alone and was thoroughly content with life and I was easy breezy just doing me. Several years of that, my girlfriend started pushing me to online date. I put up a profile, with very minimal expectations. The old me would have been hungry to pick up a man because I was desperately wanting to be with someone. My man picker was finally working for the first time in my life and I was weeding out the yuckies very quickly. I was actually very impressed by how vastly different my thought process was in comparison to how I behaved in the past. A month into it, I met him.

 

When your head has found clarity, you will be ready again. It's too daunting right now so rest your heart and the time will come for that next phase in your life. There is no age limit, or time constraint -- love will come when it comes. And I do believe it comes around when you least expect it. Get well within your heart and mind, establish a relationship with yourself and let it go from there.

Edited June 15, 2018 by Zahara

[CrushingHope]

He always told me I was impatient with things... That I want everything right away...answers mostly in his case. But he is right. I want all I ever wanted and have been missing out on right now. Because time feels like it's running out. I know that's something I have to deal with somehow because it totally makes me not live in the moment.

 

When I was with him, I loved my ability to live in the moment when we were doing simple things. I felt at peace in the moment in ways I never did before or since. I felt grateful in ways that I never did before or since.

 

I know he was not the answer but in so many ways he brought out things in me that I have always wanted to experience in myself. I don't know how to get that back without him.

 

I did a character strength test today that was super interesting. I'm taking a free online course from yale called the science of well being. It focuses on how to live a happier life. My top character strength is humour (definitely) and one of my worst was gratitude. Of course this make sense to me right now. It will be interesting to see how the order changes after the course or in a few months.

 

Hope was also very low on the list. It made me sad to see it like that but I get it.

 

I need to figure out how else to find joy other than him. It feels impossible.

[Tamari]

Crushing I do appreciate how you feel. The only thing I would like to suggest is that you consider the character of the person inspiring these feelings. If you were to get really honest with yourself, and if you were to ask yourself: is this guy worth this level of agony? Of energy? What would your answer be? I am not asking you, I'm only suggesting you ask you

[CrushingHope]

Hi Tamari, thank you for your recent responses. I appreciate your input.

 

I guess part of me must think he's worth it or I would be over this.

 

I think it's because I only focus on the good. And the good was so good. The bad was unbearable but it was never when we were together so it almost feels like it wasn't the same person. It's hard to explain but I know I have to keep trying to remind myself that this good version of him that I saw was not really him. At least not mostly. I don't know.

[Tamari]

I understand that you enjoyed the good feelings so much, they gave you hope and comfort no doubt.

 

How long has your relationship been going on? And for how much of the time have you felt good? And for how much of the time have you not? And why?

 

It may be a good idea to start evaluating your whole time with this person from a logical point of view, rather than just focusing on one aspect it.

 

Btw you wrote: 'Yeah, so hard to know with him, what will happen. He is not a normal guy.'

 

I disagree that with the first part: he has been following a pattern with such accuracy that it's actually made him quite (boringly) predictable. I do agree with the second part though...

 

Have you been considering what you will do when he comes knocking?

[CrushingHope]

I understand that you enjoyed the good feelings so much, they gave you hope and comfort no doubt.

 

How long has your relationship been going on? And for how much of the time have you felt good? And for how much of the time have you not? And why?

 

It may be a good idea to start evaluating your whole time with this person from a logical point of view, rather than just focusing on one aspect it.

 

Btw you wrote: 'Yeah, so hard to know with him, what will happen. He is not a normal guy.'

 

I disagree that with the first part: he has been following a pattern with such accuracy that it's actually made him quite (boringly) predictable. I do agree with the second part though...

 

Have you been considering what you will do when he comes knocking?

 

 

The thing is, I do see it logically. I have known him for 2 years. 1/4 of that we dated, a few more months of that we had daily contact but he was with her, and probably the most of 1 year he was with her and we were not talking. This was spread out all over, not linear. I have definitely spent way more time being upset and miserable than with him and happy.

 

But the problem is not that I don't "see" it logically. I do. I completely understand that logically I shouldn't want anything to do with him ever again and shouldn't have gotten involved with him from the get go and certainly not after he left me the first time to go back to her...especially after finding out about them in more detail and hearing how many times he's actually left her over the 9 years.

 

The problem is that I feel and respond only with my heart when it comes to him. I tried to instil more boundaries last time by not letting him move in even when I wanted to, and forcing him to talk about certain things etc. But nothing changed.

 

I know he's fallen into a very obvious pattern, but this time it is different. She never knew about me before, so that's different and creates more "trouble" for him, hence potentially breaking the pattern. AND they are now engaged...also changing the dynamic of the pattern.

 

I don't foresee him coming my way again. And if he does, I do hope to have moved on enough and healed enough to not even want to talk to him.

Edited June 16, 2018 by CrushingHope

[Tamari]

Two points:

 

1. Are you sure it is your heart you are responding from?

 

2. Does his being 'engaged' really change the dynamics of the situation, for him?

[CrushingHope]

Two points:

 

1. Are you sure it is your heart you are responding from?

 

2. Does his being 'engaged' really change the dynamics of the situation, for him?

 

Hmm.. I think so. If not my heart, where would you say? Definitely not my mind and definitely not my gut. Where else is there?

 

I don't know. I guess I assume it changes things in the sense that he is making a leap with her that he's never made before. If he's not serious about marrying her why would he go to this extreme? I get that he is trying to prove himself trustworthy to her but he could have done something else. I know it doesn't actually change their happiness or their relationship per se but being engaged might make things different in his head?

[FMW]

I've realized in my situation that one of my biggest barriers to letting MM go is that I'm afraid I won't feel the way I feel about him for anyone else. That I won't have those great in the moment experiences with anyone else. I truly do love him, with all his weaknesses and flaws. But I also love how alive I feel with him and it's really hard to give that up.

 

Knowing that, it makes it a little easier for me to stop thinking of him so obsessively and focus on what I can do to feel that alive and excited about something else. I feel confident I will be successful with that at some point.

 

We have to accept that it's unlikely we will ever truly have them, we really don't have the choice or the power to make that happen. So we can either wallow in the misery or move forward to find all the good stuff in something else (really, it all comes from inside us) and eventually WITH someone else.

 

I'm very happy to see that you do appear to be making progress

[CrushingHope]

I've realized in my situation that one of my biggest barriers to letting MM go is that I'm afraid I won't feel the way I feel about him for anyone else. That I won't have those great in the moment experiences with anyone else. I truly do love him, with all his weaknesses and flaws. But I also love how alive I feel with him and it's really hard to give that up.

 

Knowing that, it makes it a little easier for me to stop thinking of him so obsessively and focus on what I can do to feel that alive and excited about something else. I feel confident I will be successful with that at some point.

 

We have to accept that it's unlikely we will ever truly have them, we really don't have the choice or the power to make that happen. So we can either wallow in the misery or move forward to find all the good stuff in something else (really, it all comes from inside us) and eventually WITH someone else.

 

I'm very happy to see that you do appear to be making progress

 

Yes it's that exact thing that is holding me here... I truly don't know how I could feel for anyone else what I feel for him and what I feel for myself when I'm with him. I know it has to come from within but I just don't see how I could ever get there after years and years not being able to on my own.

 

I know I'm making progress in some ways but I find weekends are the hardest and picturing them together just kills me. Most peiole people long for the weekends. I dread them so much. And then it takes me a couple of days to feel ok again during the week. On my bad days it feels like I will be like this forever. This back and forth, high and low is all I've known for 2 years.

[georgia girl]

FMY and CH,

 

This idea that you will never feel like anyone else again the way you feel about him is one of the lies we tell ourselves when we don’t want to get over someone. It makes our love seem more destined to be and it makes your love affair so much more than it really is.

 

I say that not to diminish your feelings but to snap you both back to reality. There is a certain “unrequited love” dynamic that happens in affairs that do seem to intensify one side’s feelings but in reality, that is false love. What you are both looking for is the deep, unrelenting love that is borne out of respect, trust, friendship and yes, passion. You find that only when you let go of these men, then heal yourself. Once you are ready, be selective and set good boundaries from they outset. The right guy not just meets your standard; he exceeds them. And that’s when you know... that’s when you can REALLY fall in love and it will be like nothing you have ever experienced. Trust me on this. You just have to stop worshipping false idols first.

 

Good luck to you both!

[CrushingHope]

FMY and CH,

 

This idea that you will never feel like anyone else again the way you feel about him is one of the lies we tell ourselves when we don’t want to get over someone. It makes our love seem more destined to be and it makes your love affair so much more than it really is.

 

I say that not to diminish your feelings but to snap you both back to reality. There is a certain “unrequited love” dynamic that happens in affairs that do seem to intensify one side’s feelings but in reality, that is false love. What you are both looking for is the deep, unrelenting love that is borne out of respect, trust, friendship and yes, passion. You find that only when you let go of these men, then heal yourself. Once you are ready, be selective and set good boundaries from they outset. The right guy not just meets your standard; he exceeds them. And that’s when you know... that’s when you can REALLY fall in love and it will be like nothing you have ever experienced. Trust me on this. You just have to stop worshipping false idols first.

 

Good luck to you both!

 

That really does sound so good in theory. Believing that will happen to me is a completely different thing. I've waited 12 years to experience the feeling again and so it feels unlikely that it will again. I know that's incredibly pessimistic. It's just the way I feel.

[BaileyB]

That really does sound so good in theory. Believing that will happen to me is a completely different thing. I've waited 12 years to experience the feeling again and so it feels unlikely that it will again. I know that's incredibly pessimistic. It's just the way I feel.

 

I completely understand why you would want that and why you are frustrated that it hasn’t happened in all these years... But seriously, would you rather be alone or in a bad relationship with a man who can’t give you what you want?

 

I have always chosen to be alone rather than in a bad relationship because to me, that would be more soul crushing that anything else. And, I know you will say “when it was good, it was really, really good.” But the thing is, it is not and will never be what you want it to be... which makes it really, really bad for your mental health and your future happiness.

 

It’s like, the boat is sinking and you are stubbornly clinging to the mast because you would rather go down with the ship than swim on your own.