From GF to OW

[BaileyB]

It reminds me of the line from Shawshank redemption - "Get busy living, or get busy dying."

 

Great quote.

[Crazelnut]

Crazelnut, your story gives me hope. How long were you trying to get him out of your system? At what point did you meet the new man?...were you completely over the old one first? Did you date much before you met him?

 

My relationship with my AP was "on" for 1 year, then he ghosted me. Reconnected and had an on again/off again mess for another year and a half. During one of the "off" periods, I went out with Future Husband for a very brief period. Sadly, I was still too hung up on AP, so when he reached back out, I broke FH's heart and went running right back to AP. Sigh. It was the classic OW story of push-pull and dysfunction, with all the normal drama and broken NC. Finally, after what would be the last round of his lies and ghosting, I just had this moment of clarity. I knew that I would no longer live my life putting him at the center of it. I was able to see how dysfunctional and messed up I had become, and I just decided I was done with it. So after 2.5 years of the crazy emotional roller coaster, I was free. I resigned myself to being single and alone.

 

Eventually, FH and I became friends again. I did date a couple of guys during that period, but those weren't right. Just .. meh. Eventually started dating FH again. Got married and are very happy.

Edited September 27, 2018 by Crazelnut

[CrushingHope]

Hi Everyone,

 

I just felt I should come back and update my situation since I often wonder what happens to people on these threads.

 

I started doing quite a bit better suddenly in October. So much in my life was starting to come together - great opportunities at work, made new, amazing friends in this "new" city, reconnected with old friendships from when i was in my teens/20s. I no longer felt completely panicked about my future and for the first time, I started realizing that my ex wasn't the only one for me.

 

That being said, I still thought about him and still missed him.

 

About a month after that, we started talking again. He was still living with his gf but there was something different about it. He was finally taking the real steps necessary to move out of her house. He had sold his old truck and motorcycle, he had moved his big tools to his friend's house (things he had never done any other time he had left her), and he told her he was leaving. He even went to her mom's house to say good bye. He had been off work since the summer because he said he had been really depressed and knew he couldn't live that life anymore, no matter how scared he was for her safety (she is an alcoholic and recently started doing cocaine too). He said he cared about her well being but had finally realized he couldn't save her.

 

About a month later he had found work in my town (an hour away from where he had been living with her, but a town he often found work in while living there...he's in construction and the work in the small town he lived in was minimal). And he was staying with his step brother on the other side of town.

 

After 3 months of talking and only seeing each other twice (I said I wouldn't even as friends until he had sorted some things out in his life), we decided to start dating again.

 

It's been about 2 months now and things have been really good. There are a lot of trust issues on my part. And I worry that he will go back. But I guess that's the risk I take going back to him. I am doing my part to work on things and he has been really supportive and does everything he can to help. I have been seeing my therapist and she has really helped me get through some of the tough times. He has agreed very happily to go to my next session with me, as he says he will do anything it takes to prove himself to me after all he's put me through. He tells me that I have saved him. He knows how toxic his relationship was and that he's happy to see a better future for himself now. He's even started making amends with his daughter. He is living a better life now than he said he could have ever dreamed of and he knows how lucky he is to have me. All that being said, i still do get anxious about things and wonder if I can ever get passed the hurt he caused and learn to try to trust. Time will tell.

 

I do think he's a good person who go mixed up in a really terrible, toxic relationship and that he desperately wants to turn his life around.

 

I don't know what will happen going forward, but I have to see this through and give it the chance I always wanted for us. If it doesn't work this time, that's it, we tried. There will be a lot of ups and downs as we try to move forward, and I don't know if it's possible.

 

I can say one thing, though...my perspective is completely different. Nothing in my life was settled before and I was at a really low period in my life when I met him. He made me really happy when we were together and that made me believe that he was the only chance I had to be happy. But I no longer feel that even a little bit. I am absolutely my old self again and he has had to get used to this new, more confident version of me who he hasn't seen much of in the time I have known him. He really loves this version, he said, and even said that he saw it in me before even I didn't feel like he did (based on how i was feeling).

 

I know there will be people here who do not agree with my choice, and perhaps it will come to be that those people are right. But there has been something about him and us together that I never felt I had the real chance to explore and I feel like we're getting that honest chance now and it feels good.

 

I know I will be ok regardless, and if I'm not...I know I can still count on the support here to get me through.

 

Thank you for reading.

Edited March 5, 2019 by CrushingHope

[BaileyB]

I’m glad you came back crushinghope, I was just thinking about you the other day. It’s nice to hear from you.

 

I am SO EXCITED to hear that you are in a happy and healthy place. Well done! You sound so much more confident and so much happier, just in one post. I’m happy for you.

 

I must admit, I had a sense of foreboding and when I read that he came back, my first thought was... “oh no.” But, I changed my opinion mid-way through your post for a few reasons.

 

One, you are thinking with your head and not only your heart. You are not making decisions based in fear and depression anymore. You are taking things slow, setting healthy boundaries, and watching his actions - not blindly trusting his words because those can be meaningless sometimes... his actions will show you if he is worthy of your trust. Right now he is doing the right things, which is encouraging, but you are wise to take it very slow.

 

Also, you are stronger and healthier. You have found your happiness outside the relationship, and that is wonderful! It’s exactly as we said, when the right man comes along and you are happily living your life... it is a bonus, it makes your life even better.

 

Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell you if it will work out or if you will be hurt again. The simple truth is, every relationship is a risk. There are no guarantees in life, all you can do is follow your heart and make the best decisions you can make at the time. Just know, whatever happens - you will be fine. You will get through it, even if it doesn’t work out and you are hurt again.

 

I wish you all the best moving forward and I hope you come back and continue to post. Best wishes, friend.

Edited March 6, 2019 by BaileyB

[CrushingHope]

I’m glad you came back crushinghope, I was just thinking about you the other day. It’s nice to hear from you.

 

I am SO EXCITED to hear that you are in a happy and healthy place. Well done! You sound so much more confident and so much happier, just in one post. I’m happy for you.

 

I must admit, I had a sense of foreboding and when I read that he came back, my first thought was... “oh no.” But, I changed my opinion mid-way through your post for a few reasons.

 

One, you are thinking with your head and not only your heart. You are not making decisions based in fear and depression anymore. You are taking things slow, setting healthy boundaries, and watching his actions - not blindly trusting his words because those can be meaningless sometimes... his actions will show you if he is worthy of your trust. Right now he is doing the right things, which is encouraging, but you are wise to take it very slow.

 

Also, you are stronger and healthier. You have found your happiness outside the relationship, and that is wonderful! It’s exactly as we said, when the right man comes along and you are happily living your life... it is a bonus, it makes your life even better.

 

Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell you if it will work out or if you will be hurt again. The simple truth is, every relationship is a risk. There are no guarantees in life, all you can do is follow your heart and make the best decisions you can make at the time. Just know, whatever happens - you will be fine. You will get through it, even if it doesn’t work out and you are hurt again.

 

I wish you all the best moving forward and I hope you come back and continue to post. Best wishes, friend.

 

Thank you so much, Bailey. It was you who I was most looking forward to hearing from. Your supportive post means so much to me. And thank you for your honest feedback. I agree that I have come a long way. Even before talking to him again, I had this feeling almost suddenly one day where I just felt a lot better about myself and my life. I think it was the therapy and chats I'd had with people here and in person had all just clicked in somehow, subconsciously. And I knew no matter what happened, I would be ok. And when I started talking to him again, I was different. I could feel it. And it took a lot for him to prove himself to me but not just me. Himself. I wanted to know that he would stay away from her and that life even if he wasn't going to be with me.

 

I have been very hesitant to share this with some people in my life for fear of their judgement. I only told my dad about a month ago, and he was not keen on the news at first. I explained my side of things and why I felt I needed to give this another, final shot. I can't stress enough that this is it for me. There will be no further opportunities for he and I after this, and I sense that he really gets that. My dad tried to put the past aside and focus on the present. And he likes him. He says there is clearly a special bond between us and that made him happy.

 

I hope it works out. But if it doesn't, it will likely be because I can't truly let go of the past. I'm finding the trust really hard. He spends a lot of time on his phone, texting, on fb, etc, and it makes me really uneasy. It's the only thing we fight about. But hopefully, in time, that trust will build again.

 

If I was in my 20s, I may not have taken him back. But in my mid-40's, the connection we have, the way we enjoy our time together so much, means so much more now because it's hard to find.

 

And you're right, there are no guarantees with anyone, so I might as well try one last real time with someone who checks off so many of the boxes and who is clearly making a huge effort to make a better life for himself.

 

I will come back again to update. I hope you are doing well, still, Bailey. And thank you for your kindness and support . It has meant more to me than you could ever know...and now i'm all teary eyed!!! xo

[BaileyB]

Ah, that’s lovely. Thank you for your kind words.

 

I too wish you well. I hope you find your happy ending, but even if it doesn’t work out with this guy... I know you will be fine. We each have our own personal journey, learning lessons along the way. I’m just so happy that you have found a good place.

 

Take care friend.