From GF to OW

[CrushingHope]

Thank you, Vivir, you have given me many good suggestions. I do enjoy going to the library. Perhaps I will give that a go. I have been reading one of Brene's other books, Daring Greatly, and have seen her TED talk. Much of what she says resonates with me. I think I need something a little more suited to my direct situation but will definitely come back to this book. She's amazing.

 

I think he's definitely got self-worth issues of his own. The entire time we were together he would say "what's a girl like you doing with a small town nobody like me". He couldn't understand why I would want to be with him. That's probably also why he poured things on so thick and did everything he could to impress me...he figured his regular self wouldn't be enough to interest me. And then he couldn't keep that up for very long. He often spoke about what I would be like after the "honeymoon period"...but I think he was more curious to know if I would like HIM after the honeymoon period. He also told me once that he was worried that I would bore of him and move along. So, I see various reasons as to why he would always go back to her...he's the King in that relationship...she has never done better.

 

I also do believe he is extremely selfish and unable to admit to his one wrong doings unless it benefits him (for example, will take full responsibility for hurting me and give me all his excuses when he comes back around).

 

sigh. I know I should be spending less time trying to analyze him and more on myself.

[CrushingHope]

Hi CrushingHope, I woke up this morning, found your thread and took the time to read the entire thing.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, I was also in a situation I could not understand a few years ago. It didn't make any sense to me. I kept going back to a man who didn't love me. He also had a long term gf and for whatever reason, he strung me along.

 

It took me 5 years to finally let him go. I cried almost every day because I just couldn't understand why I felt so strongly for him. He wasn't exactly a good catch since he seemed willing to cheat on his gf with me.

 

I came to this site to vent. Some were helpful but most were harsh. One person in particular called me a F****** emo. I was in a situation that I just couldn't get out of and I didn't know why. I am very thankful for my siblings because they listened to me talk about this man for 5 years and never judged me.

 

This is how I finally moved on - one day I told myself that no one deserves to go through this kind of pain. NO ONE. You don't deserve to hurt this way. You will never understand this situation no matter how hard you try. The situation is like a really difficult puzzle. You have to realize that you don't have to solve it. You can literally leave the pieces on the floor and walk away.

 

This man will never EVER stop hurting you. He had already shown you twice that he could not be trusted and now he is doing it for a third time. Even if he leaves his gf, DO NOT take him back. He will never stop hurting you, I can promise you this. Leave the pieces of the puzzle on the floor and move on with your life. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. Don't rush your grieving process. Cry as much as you need to. Don't ever hold the tears back. CRY. With time, your heart will heal and I promise you, you will be happy again.

 

Thank you, Lover of Dance, for taking the time to read my thread and for your kind response. So much of what you've said has stuck in me. I am absolutely an answer finder. I need to know everything. When I was in Nursing school, my professor told me, just after about 2 months of knowing me, that my biggest obstacle as a nurse and just in my life in general will be my need to find all of the answers. He said "sometimes, we have to accept that we can't know everything".

 

You are saying the same thing here, and it's spot-on. I have to learn to leave the pieces on the floor and walk away from the puzzle. It's actually something I can tell myself when my head starts going crazy...

 

I really hope you're right...that I will be happy again. It seems like forever since I have been and each time this happens, more of me is ripped out and replaced with fear and self-loathing and anger. This is not who I want to be or how I want to spend the rest of my life.

Edited January 12, 2018 by CrushingHope

[CrushingHope]

I'm just going to come here to get things out. I understand that people are probably going to get sick of it but it helps me to get it out and to reread the advice and to just sit here for a while.

 

I'm missing him so much. Not just from the talks we've had over the last 2 months or so but from before.

 

I think one of the hardest things about being in touch with someone again is that when it's over again, you have NEW things to be sad over rather than just the old things. New things we talked about, promises he made, the beautiful christmas card and gifts and about what I thought they represented.

 

I wish I could see into the future to know how things will turn out. But again, that's just trying to satiate my desire for answers. I need to stop that.

[LoverOfDance]

Definitely write here as often as you want. It is good to find some kind of way to let things out, especially when these are really weighing on you.

 

Take your time to heal and don't be too hard on yourself.

[CrushingHope]

I'm having such a rough morning. I woke up and just starting crying and can't seem to stop.

 

I keep trying to focus on the fact that someone who can say all these amazing things one day and then completely ghost me the next doesn't care enough about me for it to be worth all of this. I read and re-read all of the posts here which make total sense to me and my brain knows that everyone is right.

 

But my heart still aches so badly. I want to hear all of those things again. I want him to leave her finally, come back to me and make up for all the hurt he's caused me.

 

But I know that's not what's best for me.

 

I have been trying to get out more. I started going back to the gym. My new job (finally) starts on Monday, and things are looking like they're taking a better turn. So why do I still sit here in a pool of my own tears feeling sorry for myself and wanting so badly to hear from him?

[FMW]

Make a very concerted effort to redirect your thoughts. Believe me, I completely understand how impossible that seems. But just keep working on it and it will get easier. Don't allow yourself to wallow.

 

Start by only allowing yourself a limited amount of time to think about him before saying "Stop!" and then get involved in something that requires your focus and/or provides distraction, whatever that might be for you. You might have to do that 100 times every day at first, but just do it. Like any practice, the more you do it the less difficult it becomes.

 

It's very hard work and it's going to take much more effort and far longer than you want it to, but you can do it when you decide you've had enough misery. There's no easy fix. Try to take comfort in knowing what you're feeling is normal. Just don't surrender to it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm having such a rough morning. I woke up and just starting crying and can't seem to stop.

 

I keep trying to focus on the fact that someone who can say all these amazing things one day and then completely ghost me the next doesn't care enough about me for it to be worth all of this. I read and re-read all of the posts here which make total sense to me and my brain knows that everyone is right.

 

But my heart still aches so badly. I want to hear all of those things again. I want him to leave her finally, come back to me and make up for all the hurt he's caused me.

 

But I know that's not what's best for me.

 

I have been trying to get out more. I started going back to the gym. My new job (finally) starts on Monday, and things are looking like they're taking a better turn. So why do I still sit here in a pool of my own tears feeling sorry for myself and wanting so badly to hear from him?

 

You sit in a pool of tears because you are human. You fell in love and you feel pain. These are good things, you don't see that now but they are. You can grow, move on, forget and love again. We all felt those things. It is normal.

 

It's great you have a new job. You can move on, not look back and take it day by day.

 

Give it 6 months of NC (and it must be NC) and I promise you, you will feel better. You will remember feeling the pain but not the pain itself.

[CrushingHope]

6 months of NC sounds absolutely impossible. I can barely manage 6 days at this point. I get this sudden urge to text...that if I tell him I miss him, it will catch him at the right moment and make him make a change.

 

But I know that even when he tells me he misses me too, it doesn't change anything. In the past, when he has come back to me, it has always been of his own doing and never when I initiated text.

 

And I try to keep telling myself that EVEN if he finally decided to leave her for good, he would still not be in a good place. He would likely be even more messed up at least for a while and I don't want to deal with that. And above everything else, he has shown me his character. Someone said it here best...his character won't change just because his circumstances might. That's so true.

 

So I tell myself these things every minute of every day when I want to reach out....but it's exhausting. And sometimes I can't fight the urge and I will text him. And then he will either say something I want to hear which gives me false hope, or he will be cold which will make me feel like crap.

 

I'm fighting so hard. I feel pathetic and ashamed and weak.

 

This is not the life I saw for myself.

[jah526]

CrushingHope - your story touched me. Mine is in some ways similar. I also hadn’t been with anyone for a very long time. I’m also older than you are and thought (selfishly) this would be my last chance to be with a man, even if in a limited capacity. And this guy was out of my league. But I also knew he was absolutely crushing me. One day the pain got so bad that I knew I couldn’t continue, and a couple days later I composed that text. Sat staring at it for maybe an hour before sending it. And for a long while afterwards wondered if I’d done the right thing.

 

I’m 7 months NC now. After a few months the physical withdrawal symptoms subside. The emotional/mental attachment is a bit stickier. I’m not going to say I’m deliriously happy now but I’m appreciating the stability of my new normal. I’m trying to plan some things for myself, and I’ve found that the space vacated by him has allowed for some new, healthier relationships in my life.

 

Someone above mentioned the drive to fix the problem, and I get stuck on that too. Chumplady (site for betrayed) calls this “untangling the skein of ****edupedness”. Point is, you can’t do it and the more you try the more tangled you get. Sometimes the best, even the kindest, thing is to walk away.

[CrushingHope]

CrushingHope - your story touched me. Mine is in some ways similar. I also hadn’t been with anyone for a very long time. I’m also older than you are and thought (selfishly) this would be my last chance to be with a man, even if in a limited capacity. And this guy was out of my league. But I also knew he was absolutely crushing me. One day the pain got so bad that I knew I couldn’t continue, and a couple days later I composed that text. Sat staring at it for maybe an hour before sending it. And for a long while afterwards wondered if I’d done the right thing.

 

I’m 7 months NC now. After a few months the physical withdrawal symptoms subside. The emotional/mental attachment is a bit stickier. I’m not going to say I’m deliriously happy now but I’m appreciating the stability of my new normal. I’m trying to plan some things for myself, and I’ve found that the space vacated by him has allowed for some new, healthier relationships in my life.

 

Someone above mentioned the drive to fix the problem, and I get stuck on that too. Chumplady (site for betrayed) calls this “untangling the skein of ****edupedness”. Point is, you can’t do it and the more you try the more tangled you get. Sometimes the best, even the kindest, thing is to walk away.

 

Thank you. I looked at that site and read a lot of things that resonated with me. What I'm struggling with the most, I think, is KNOWING that this man is not good for me, and that even if I got "what I want", it would likely not have the result that I want. So why do I keep myself here? Why can't I just walk away?

 

Someone suggested that I hadn't hit my rock bottom. I don't even know what that would be at this point because I have been so low over the last year and a half. I can't imagine it ever feeling worse.

 

And I continue the cycle...he walks away from me to go back to her, I try to get him to see why he should leave her, he keeps walking. I coil up into myself and resist the urge to text. Eventually we chat again and it starts all over... Why don't I put an end to it?

 

I guess I do know why, and I keep saying it. I have lost my self-worth and likely didn't have much to begin with. This is what I need to fix. Not him and his dysfunction, but my own.

[Minneloa]

Hi CH,

 

I am sorry you are hurting so much. Do you have friends or family that you could reach out to for support? Have you considered therapy (forgive me if I overlooked this in your thread)? What about a visit to your doctor? Perhaps an antidepressant could help you get out of this hole. Not as a cure-all, but as a way to help your mood and energy so that you could have a stronger basis for extricating yourself from this painful, self-defeating cycle.

 

From all you have shared, this man is not worth your time, energy, or love, imo. You deserve so much better!

 

What is one nice thing you can do for yourself today?

 

Sending good thoughts,

 

M.

[CrushingHope]

Hi CH,

 

I am sorry you are hurting so much. Do you have friends or family that you could reach out to for support? Have you considered therapy (forgive me if I overlooked this in your thread)? What about a visit to your doctor? Perhaps an antidepressant could help you get out of this hole. Not as a cure-all, but as a way to help your mood and energy so that you could have a stronger basis for extricating yourself from this painful, self-defeating cycle.

 

From all you have shared, this man is not worth your time, energy, or love, imo. You deserve so much better!

 

What is one nice thing you can do for yourself today?

 

Sending good thoughts,

 

M.

 

Thank you for your kindness. Everything in my life is in a whirlwind right now. I just moved to a new province and don't have healthcare coverage here yet. Also, my new job starts tomorrow and I won't have benefits for 3-6 months (not sure which yet) so therapy and doctor visits are on hold for now. I have mentioned here that I will seek therapy when I can afford it/when it's covered. I went to counselling last year when I was going through all of this with him the second time and although I was glad to have a place to talk openly, she didn't have a lot to offer me other than her empathy and ear.

 

Last year I did contemplate anti-depressants but I am so hesitant to take any meds. I was able to start feeling stronger when I physically moved out of the city, but now that I let him back into my life again for those two months, I'm back to where I started and almost worse because my new home which was full of hope and newness and change is now my sadzone again. My own fault, I know. I just can't seem to get it into my head that he will not leave her. I feel that relationship is a drug to him and much like quitting any vice, sometimes you try 100 times before you quit for good, and I guess I just believe he will finally quit her. But I know that even if that's true, there's not a great chance that he can make up for the pain he's already caused me.

 

I do have the support of my Dad and my best friends but I feel very hesitant to talk about it. My dad knows very little at this point, as I know he doesn't like this man for what he's done to me already and I feel like he would be so worried. For the same reasons, I don't share much with many of my friends. My closest friends know, of course, and are wonderful supports for me, but they are scattered all over the country and not around me physically which seems to be what I need more than anything.

 

I went out and got some groceries and did a few errands that I had been putting off. It feels better to get out for a bit for sure, but the sadness is just there lurking. The songs that come on at the grocery store, everything I see reminding me of him etc. This stage is so very hard.

 

I know I sound like a sad sack. I'm just not good at getting over this kind of stuff. I am a very feeling person and that is both a blessing and a curse. I wish I could just shut off my feelings like he seems to be able to...

Edited January 21, 2018 by CrushingHope

[Minneloa]

Hi CH,

 

I sympathize with your situation. It seems that you are quite socially isolated due to your recent move, which makes going through this emotional upheaval much harder. I recommend that you look into low-cost counseling alternatives. Are you a person of faith? If so, perhaps talking with a pastor/spiritual advisor would be helpful. Sometimes, churches offer counseling service as well. I just hate to hear that you are suffering alone.

 

Who is your closest friend? Is there anyway to go see her/him for a weekend soon or arrange a weekly check-in?

 

I hope you will reconsider your resistance to antidepressants; from your posts, it seems that you might be in the middle of a serious depressive episode, and meds are one valuable treatment option.

 

Overall, I urge you to seek help wherever you can find it. You do not have to suffer through this pain alone.

 

M.

[Minneloa]

P.S. Good job going to the grocery store! I am serious.:bunny:

 

I am currently going through a very hard time myself (not breakup related), and I find that one of the few things that helps my mood is to do something productive, especially outside the house. And believe me, I would prefer to sit in my chair! For example, last week I had my car serviced, and I felt like a champion.

[CrushingHope]

Hi CH,

 

I sympathize with your situation. It seems that you are quite socially isolated due to your recent move, which makes going through this emotional upheaval much harder. I recommend that you look into low-cost counseling alternatives. Are you a person of faith? If so, perhaps talking with a pastor/spiritual advisor would be helpful. Sometimes, churches offer counseling service as well. I just hate to hear that you are suffering alone.

 

Who is your closest friend? Is there anyway to go see her/him for a weekend soon or arrange a weekly check-in?

 

I hope you will reconsider your resistance to antidepressants; from your posts, it seems that you might be in the middle of a serious depressive episode, and meds are one valuable treatment option.

 

Overall, I urge you to seek help wherever you can find it. You do not have to suffer through this pain alone.

 

M.

 

Yes, I'm definitely socially isolated. I don't have enough distractions in my life to help me cope and because of my pretty low state, I don't have the desire to find new things to do/people to be around.

 

I just got finished nursing school and I think that's why I'm having a hard time accepting the idea of antidepressants. It can be very hard to find the right drug and to go through side effects etc and I really am hesitant to go that route.

 

My best friend is in a different province. There is no hope of seeing her soon but we Skype regularly which does help.

 

I'm not a person of faith. I wish I was, as I feel it would give me a place to turn in situations like this.

 

I know eventually I will get through/over this. I have done it before. This situation is particularly difficult because he keeps coming back and I keep letting him in. If I could just accept that he is never going to leave her, and that ultimately I deserve better, I could move on, but my heart is just so stuck on him.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rough time too. Getting out and getting at least something accomplished is very helpful. Your kindness has been helpful to me, so i hope that is something that brightens your spirits a little. Thank you.

[Minneloa]

CH,

 

I feel for you and wish there was something more I could do. Please know that you are in my thoughts and that I am rooting for you!

 

M.

[CrushingHope]

CH,

 

I feel for you and wish there was something more I could do. Please know that you are in my thoughts and that I am rooting for you!

 

M.

 

Your message totally made me cry. Thank you for your thoughts and kindness. They mean more than you could ever know. I often hear how "good of a person" I am and how I don't deserve this. And when I think about what I know of his gf, I wonder how does a woman like her, who is abusive and unkind to many people get to have him?

 

But I suppose he is not the prize I have made him out to be.

 

I really hope there is someone good out there for me. I really do.

[Minneloa]

He truly isn't a prize. You are! I hope you will begin to see that.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I hope today is a better day with a brighter future! You start a new job! That is great!

 

 

Hopefully, the No Contact is working....

[CrushingHope]

Sigh. Well the job is a total snoozer. I basically have one task that I will be doing over and over and over. Not at all what I can handle so will have to find something else. It's fine for now but there's no way I will be able to make to stay for long.

 

And I was in contact with him yesterday. I caved and sent him a text when I got downtown and was walking by his parking lot for work. I wasn't expecting to hear back from him because he's not been texting. But he did and we chatted throughout the day. But he's not the same. And that makes me so sad again. And he said things aren't better with her. I said "maybe after your vacation" (cuz I didn't know what else to say) and he said "that is always short lived".

I don't know why he just doesn't tell me that things are better.

 

I know I have to stop reaching out. I just get this overwhelming urge and then I do it. And I don't want to stop myself in that moment but talking to him makes me miss him. But i do anyway. Even if I don't message him. And it somehow feels better to hear from him. I'm the worst at this.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Sigh. Well the job is a total snoozer. I basically have one task that I will be doing over and over and over. Not at all what I can handle so will have to find something else. It's fine for now but there's no way I will be able to make to stay for long.

 

And I was in contact with him yesterday. I caved and sent him a text when I got downtown and was walking by his parking lot for work. I wasn't expecting to hear back from him because he's not been texting. But he did and we chatted throughout the day. But he's not the same. And that makes me so sad again. And he said things aren't better with her. I said "maybe after your vacation" (cuz I didn't know what else to say) and he said "that is always short lived".

I don't know why he just doesn't tell me that things are better.

 

I know I have to stop reaching out. I just get this overwhelming urge and then I do it. And I don't want to stop myself in that moment but talking to him makes me miss him. But i do anyway. Even if I don't message him. And it somehow feels better to hear from him. I'm the worst at this.

 

 

 

Oh, for some reason I thought you had decided to no contact him. What is it you are looking for when you reach out to him? For him to say he is done with his gf and come back to you? I think if he was going to do that, HE would have to initiate the contact. Maybe? If that was his response, would you be happy to go back and try again?

[CantTakeMySmile]

If things are not good with her, and he loves you, why would he stay in a place where he is unhappy? Do they have children together?

[CrushingHope]

If things are not good with her, and he loves you, why would he stay in a place where he is unhappy? Do they have children together?

 

This is the question I have been asking myself for almost 2 years. Even before me he had left her a number of times but always goes back. They don't have kids together but she has a kid and he has helped raise her. I have no idea what the draw continues to be. He has said that he worries about what his leaving will do "to the people involved" so I am quite sure he worries for her safety and the daughters safety. He may just love her and not want to leave. But then what would be the purpose of leaving so many times? and now having strong feelings for me has complicated things.

 

I feel like he leaves when she has a really bad drinking episode and something happens to make him think he can't handle it anymore. Then she comes back with promises and empty words and he goes back thinking she will change but she never does.

[CrushingHope]

Oh, for some reason I thought you had decided to no contact him. What is it you are looking for when you reach out to him? For him to say he is done with his gf and come back to you? I think if he was going to do that, HE would have to initiate the contact. Maybe? If that was his response, would you be happy to go back and try again?

 

I keep trying to start NC and then cave. I just keep thinking he will see what we have and come back. And he does, but you're right, it has only happened when he's initiated contact. I feel like I'm making a fool of myself. I do think he has strong feelings for me but I think he still has stronger feelings for her. But I feel that eventually he won't be able to take it anymore and finally leave for good.

 

I have no idea how this would even work between us if that happened. I would have no trust in it for a long time. But I'm so hung up on the idea of it that I can't seem to walk away for good. I know it sounds pathetic. I just can't seem to let myself let him go.

[CantTakeMySmile]

If you actually want to try NC, you should try holding yourself accountable. Just being okay with “caving” isn’t really putting your best door forward. Tell your friends you action plan so they can hold you accountable as well. Post on here