From GF to OW

[CrushingHope]

You should look at it as grateful that you have your answer. Letting him know that you know is of no benefit to you. You are using this as an excuse to reach out. I know you see this.

 

Hmmm I know why you might say that, but I don't think so this time. I don't need an excuse to reach out. I have reached out many times without one. I am pretty honest with myself about why I do things when it comes to him.

 

If it was just an excuse to reach out, I would have done it already. But I know that my saying what I want to say will not be heard, so it's pointless. He will likely get defensive and I don't know how I would handle that.

[CrushingHope]

 

But he's been lying to you since Day 1. You just choose to deny yourself from seeing your reality because you're caught up with this fantasy/image you've created.

 

I didn't have proof that he was lying to me I guess. And I wanted to believe him so badly. He presented himself to be the person he was to me and I wanted to believe that yes, but I wouldn't say I created it. He did and continues to give me reason to think he has genuine feelings for me. I just think it's impossible for him to leave that life unless he got help. And he probably thinks he can just quit when he wants to (he once told me he doesn't believe in addiction and thinks stopping is just will power).

 

I don't know. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now and I'm probably not making much sense.

[Zahara]

The toxic relationship has been with her the whole time, there wasn't a different woman at the start. It's always been her.

 

So he was with this woman for 7 years, dated you for two months and was likely in contact with her too and then went back to her, back to you for another two months, and back to her? Doesn't this tell you who he really is?

 

I can't imagine how he wants to be with her. I do believe that he wants to be there because he can be exactly who he is right now and she can't say a word about it because she's exactly the same. But I do strongly think that when he's with me, that's who he really wants to be, but he can't because he doesn't want to admit he's an alcoholic because he knows that's not something that I can be with. If this is not the case, why bother having anything to do with me ever? It doesn't make any sense.

 

Stop filling your head with hopeful musings. You can't imagine why he wants to be with her? We can't imagine why you would want to be with this dysfunctional man. A man you said is just like her. Start looking at yourself.

 

Just like an MM keeps an OW. He goes home to his wife but he has his side piece that gives him whatever attention he needs. That's what you are. I think posters have been trying to make you see what you position is in his life but you're so far into romanticizing this man and what you had with him -- you even title your thread "From GF to OW". He may have some level of feelings for you but not strong enough to want to be with you.

 

How can I just start thinking differently about myself? I don't know how. I do want to.

 

I'm going to say this again -- you cannot find your self-worth or work towards finding it if you keep engaging with someone that is the source of your destruction. The only way you start your journey towards changing you is blocking him and facing your pain. There is no way around it. You keep saying I don't know how to do it -- you know how to do it but you just don't want to do it.

[Zahara]

I didn't have proof that he was lying to me I guess. And I wanted to believe him so badly. He presented himself to be the person he was to me and I wanted to believe that yes, but I wouldn't say I created it. He did and continues to give me reason to think he has genuine feelings for me. I just think it's impossible for him to leave that life unless he got help. And he probably thinks he can just quit when he wants to (he once told me he doesn't believe in addiction and thinks stopping is just will power).

 

I don't know. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now and I'm probably not making much sense.

 

Again, hopeful musings. You're in an emotional fog.

 

He's not giving you any reason that he has genuine feelings for you. He is choosing everyday to wake up to another woman. A call here and there, and some words makes you believe he has genuine feelings? Actions, not words. Pay attention to actions.

 

And stop making him look like he's a helpless man that has no choice in the way he lives his life and the choices he makes, OP. He wants to live that life and he desires being with her.

 

His BS about addiction and will power -- that was just his way of dismissing the idea of therapy because he does not see a need/desire to change.

[CrushingHope]

So he was with this woman for 7 years, dated you for two months and was likely in contact with her too and then went back to her, back to you for another two months, and back to her? Doesn't this tell you who he really is?

 

 

 

Stop filling your head with hopeful musings. You can't imagine why he wants to be with her? We can't imagine why you would want to be with this dysfunctional man. A man you said is just like her. Start looking at yourself.

 

Just like an MM keeps an OW. He goes home to his wife but he has his side piece that gives him whatever attention he needs. That's what you are. I think posters have been trying to make you see what you position is in his life but you're so far into romanticizing this man and what you had with him -- you even title your thread "From GF to OW". He may have some level of feelings for you but not strong enough to want to be with you.

 

 

 

I'm going to say this again -- you cannot find your self-worth or work towards finding it if you keep engaging with someone that is the source of your destruction. The only way you start your journey towards changing you is blocking him and facing your pain. There is no way around it. You keep saying I don't know how to do it -- you know how to do it but you just don't want to do it.

 

 

I know a lot of what you're saying is true.

 

I guess I find it so hard to accept that this could be all I am to him.

[CrushingHope]

Again, hopeful musings. You're in an emotional fog.

 

He's not giving you any reason that he has genuine feelings for you. He is choosing everyday to wake up to another woman. A call here and there, and some words makes you believe he has genuine feelings? Actions, not words. Pay attention to actions.

 

And stop making him look like he's a helpless man that has no choice in the way he lives his life and the choices he makes, OP. He wants to live that life and he desires being with her.

 

His BS about addiction and will power -- that was just his way of dismissing the idea of therapy because he does not see a need/desire to change.

 

But don't you think at all that the reason he wants to be there is because of the drinking and not much else? I know his feelings for me are not strong enough to leave drinking/her...but that's because of the drinking. Or so I want to believe I guess.

Edited February 1, 2018 by CrushingHope

[CrushingHope]

I know it's important for me to hear this. I'm listening.

[Zahara]

 

I guess I find it so hard to accept that this could be all I am to him.

 

And this is where you have devalued yourself. You've defined your worth based on his rejection of you.

 

When you should be rejecting him because you know you deserve better. When you should be relieved that you dodged a bullet and spared your life what could have been hell. But instead you're pining for the validation and acceptance of a lying, cheating, drunkard of a man.

 

I think you're so desperate to feel love that the idea of love and connection that he bestowed upon you is what you're craving. You felt it at it's best and he snatched it away from you just as you were in a whirlwind. You're addicted to those feel-good feelings and still holding on. It's gone, OP. It was never real in the first place.

[CrushingHope]

And this is where you have devalued yourself. You've defined your worth based on his rejection of you.

 

When you should be rejecting him because you know you deserve better. When you should be relieved that you dodged a bullet and spared your life what could have been hell. But instead you're pining for the validation and acceptance of a lying, cheating, drunkard of a man.

 

I think you're so desperate to feel love that the idea of love and connection that he bestowed upon you is what you're craving. You felt it at it's best and he snatched it away from you just as you were in a whirlwind. You're addicted to those feel-good feelings and still holding on. It's gone, OP. It was never real in the first place.

 

Yes, you're right.

 

I don't love this man. I love certain things about him...his spontaneity and his enjoyment of the same activities I liked...but mostly I loved that he made me feel so good in the moment. And then when he took it away, I held on as hard as I could . And still am not fully letting go.

 

I must seem so pathetic to everyone here.

[Zahara]

But don't you think at all that the reason he wants to be there is because of the drinking and not much else? I know his feelings for me are not strong enough to leave drinking/her...but that's because of the drinking. Or so I want to believe I guess.

 

You want to believe that because if you didn't then you would have to embrace the painful fact that he never truly loved you in it's true and genuine sense. You really think he only wants to be there with her is because he can drink? These two have a 7 year history. The toxic hooks that they have embedded into themselves over that time are deep and will likely never become undone. He spent 7 years in dysfunction -- that wasn't enough, he went back to her even after he met you.

 

You have a 4 months of history with him and he was probably engaging with her as well. He has 7 years and more with her.

 

It takes years of self-reflection, effort and commitment to strive for change. This man has had years of toxicity. This is all he knows. Even if he came back to you tomorrow, he'd drag you through hell. Do you actually think you'd have a healthy relationship with him? NO. He will be as dysfunctional as he is now with his girlfriend.

 

I'll give you an example. I was always dating emotionally unavailable men. Chasing them. Pining for them. Begging them to love me. One day, I met a really nice man. He was the exact opposite of the men I dated. I wasn't attracted to him and found him boring. And I went back to my toxic patterns. It took me many years of being single and alone to finally see relationships and partners in a different light.

[Zahara]

Yes, you're right.

 

I don't love this man. I love certain things about him...his spontaneity and his enjoyment of the same activities I liked...but mostly I loved that he made me feel so good in the moment. And then when he took it away, I held on as hard as I could . And still am not fully letting go.

 

I must seem so pathetic to everyone here.

 

Those are superficial interests. Most men can give you those things.

 

Focus on your core values -- what about trust, honestly, loyalty, empathy, kindness, etc. Those are core values you should seek in a partner. He gave you none of that in those fleeting months. What you saw were surface values -- what people usually present to impress.

 

So stop magnifying the little bits that he gave you when he's lacking true substance.

Edited February 1, 2018 by Zahara

[CrushingHope]

You want to believe that because if you didn't then you would have to embrace the painful fact that he never truly loved you in it's true and genuine sense. You really think he only wants to be there with her is because he can drink? These two have a 7 year history. The toxic hooks that they have embedded into themselves over that time are deep and will likely never become undone. He spent 7 years in dysfunction -- that wasn't enough, he went back to her even after he met you.

 

You have a 4 months of history with him and he was probably engaging with her as well. He has 7 years and more with her.

 

It takes years of self-reflection, effort and commitment to strive for change. This man has had years of toxicity. This is all he knows. Even if he came back to you tomorrow, he'd drag you through hell. Do you actually think you'd have a healthy relationship with him? NO. He will be as dysfunctional as he is now with his girlfriend.

 

I'll give you an example. I was always dating emotionally unavailable men. Chasing them. Pining for them. Begging them to love me. One day, I met a really nice man. He was the exact opposite of the men I dated. I wasn't attracted to him and found him boring. And I went back to my toxic patterns. It took me many years of being single and alone to finally see relationships and partners in a different light.

 

I know I can't compete with 7 years of history, especially toxic history...but I guess I felt special to him because of the things he said and did (eg.telling his son and daughter at separate times that he was going to marry me one day)...and because I really believed what he said because I wanted it to be true.

 

But I know his feelings for me couldn't be as strong as he was saying. I knew it when he came on so strong at the start. My gut was like "too much too soon" but my heart wanted to believe he was just trying really hard to convince me to be with him...

 

When I look at any possible relationship with us, it doesn't work out. I know I deserve more than this. And I know, no matter what the circumstances, I couldn't ever fully trust him. You're right, he would continue to be toxic to me and probably much worse once he finally felt open to be himself with me.

 

Someone said (it might have been you actually) that just because his circumstances could change, doesn't mean his character will. He will still be the same person. And that person has given me enough reasons not to want to be with him.

 

Zahara, thank you for your patience and your amazing words of wisdom. These things are so hard for me to hear but I know they are true and I have read them over and over already and will continue to do so.

 

I want better for myself. I want the desire to change for myself and how I see myself. I wouldn't be here if I didn't.

[Zahara]

I think the "marrying you" part was a huge red flag in itself. These types tend to fast forward rather than go through courtship/dating to truly discover if there's compatibility, shared values, longevity, etc. -- and that process takes time before jumping into the marriage talk.

 

You're most welcome. I've been where you are and I understand how you feel but it is also difficult to see you struggle so much with this. We all want the best for you.

 

Keep posting, especially when you have the urge to contact him. Please, please let us talk you off the ledge before you react. Maybe that's a small step towards breaking your attachment to him, if you can't do anything more for the time being.

[CrushingHope]

I had to come and read all of this over again this morning.

 

When I read the things Zahara says I know they are, for the most part, true. But when I close my computer and try to get on with my life, I slip back to thinking about him and the happy moments and the horrible life he is living and I think it will all change in my favour if I keep believing. But I know that is just my emotions lying to me.

 

I'm trying to accept what is rather than what I wanted it to be.

 

My friend's son and his gf say that he's weird and inappropriate, especially when he's drinking. He unclasped his gf's daughter's bra (from outside her shirt) and laughed the other night when he was drunk. That grossed me out. even if it wasn't in a sexual way, that is really inappropriate. I can't even picture him doing that. Clearly who I saw was not who he is. I need to get that through my head.

 

This is the most I've ever struggled getting myself out of a relationship. It consumes me.

[Timshel]

It's not to let him know he can't come back, it's to let him know I know the truth and that he's not able to hide it anymore.

 

So then you will save him, now that you know his dark secret, you will make him better?

 

CrushingHope, get yourself to a licensed counselor as quickly as you are able. I haven't read the entire thread but if appropriate, please start talking to family and friends about what has been happening in your life.

 

You are obsessed with a very dysfunctional individual. I will say this once more...you are obsessed with a very dysfunctional individual.

 

Please make an appointment today for counseling...you need face to face interaction with a qualified therapist.

[CrushingHope]

So then you will save him, now that you know his dark secret, you will make him better?

 

CrushingHope, get yourself to a licensed counselor as quickly as you are able. I haven't read the entire thread but if appropriate, please start talking to family and friends about what has been happening in your life.

 

You are obsessed with a very dysfunctional individual. I will say this once more...you are obsessed with a very dysfunctional individual.

 

Please make an appointment today for counseling...you need face to face interaction with a qualified therapist.

 

I plan to but I have no financial means to do that right now. I do realize this is not healthy for me.

 

I have talked to family and friends. I'm just trying not to dominate every conversation with this so I come here to get it out. I tend to be an obsessive type of person. This is not unusual for me. I will get past this.

[Timshel]

I plan to but I have no financial means to do that right now. I do realize this is not healthy for me.

 

I have talked to family and friends. I'm just trying not to dominate every conversation with this so I come here to get it out. I tend to be an obsessive type of person. This is not unusual for me. I will get past this.

 

Of course you will get past this but you are in need of physical support.

Who can you go to in your every day life and say...I'm having a crappy day today, let me unload for 2 minutes, give me feedback with no interruption from myself...and then we move on to something else?

 

Also, change habits in your life. Volunteer for a local organization for which cause you are passionate. Notice neighbors or friends that may be in need and think of ways (incognito, right) that you can brighten their day, make life easier.

Take a walk when you get worried about what the guy who does not love you is doing. Look around you, breath and see every detail of the world where you tread.

 

Counter transference is something I am guilty of on LS. I hope you are able to resolve your reasons for not seeking therapy at this time. Truly, an objective and interactive therapy would be ideal.

 

Agree with Zahara, keep posting and sharing your thoughts.

[CrushingHope]

Of course you will get past this but you are in need of physical support.

Who can you go to in your every day life and say...I'm having a crappy day today, let me unload for 2 minutes, give me feedback with no interruption from myself...and then we move on to something else?

 

Also, change habits in your life. Volunteer for a local organization for which cause you are passionate. Notice neighbors or friends that may be in need and think of ways (incognito, right) that you can brighten their day, make life easier.

Take a walk when you get worried about what the guy who does not love you is doing. Look around you, breath and see every detail of the world where you tread.

 

Counter transference is something I am guilty of on LS. I hope you are able to resolve your reasons for not seeking therapy at this time. Truly, an objective and interactive therapy would be ideal.

 

Agree with Zahara, keep posting and sharing your thoughts.

 

I do talk to my friends but I don't want to burden them. That's why I come here. I am obsessing and I know that but I don't know how to shut off my brain. I have obsessed about things all my life but most of it is silent. I write it all out. I have a million journals of my obsessive thoughts just to get them out. But this one is harder.

 

I will get therapy once my work benefits kick in. I was in therapy last year about this guy but it ended when I left that city and no longer had that counsellor. It wasn't all that helpful in the end. Advice here has been actually more helpful.

 

I know I sound crazy. I just was in a very vulnerable place when i met him and he made me believe I could be happy again. And I wasn't ready to let the idea of that go. I know I have to get to that realization myself... That I can be happy again one day. I just have a hard time believing it.

[Zahara]

I know I sound crazy. I just was in a very vulnerable place when i met him and he made me believe I could be happy again. And I wasn't ready to let the idea of that go. I know I have to get to that realization myself... That I can be happy again one day. I just have a hard time believing it.

 

Reflect on how you lived your life before you met this guy? Were you happy? Were you emotionally free and content with life the way it was? Did you feel hopeful and optimistic?

[CrushingHope]

Reflect on how you lived your life before you met this guy? Were you happy? Were you emotionally free and content with life the way it was? Did you feel hopeful and optimistic?

 

No I didn't. I have always felt like I was missing something and always searching. I had left my job in a big city because I wasn't fulfilled. I moved to that small town where I met him to go back to school for a second career in nursing. I felt lonely and empty and unsure. And meeting him helped me feel like a part of something and wanted by someone even for a short time.

 

I feel so sad and pathetic when I look at the emptiness and desperation in my life.

[BTDT2012]

I want to reach out so badly and let him know that I know the truth. Is that a bad idea?

Yes. Accept that he is where he wants to be and erase him from your life.

[rumblefish12]

"I feel so sad and pathetic ... "

 

CH: Don't beat yourself up about this. Many of us have been in the very same position as you; holding onto something that doesn't exist. You are in the right place. This is where the rebuilding begins. Glad you are here.

[CrushingHope]

"I feel so sad and pathetic ... "

 

CH: Don't beat yourself up about this. Many of us have been in the very same position as you; holding onto something that doesn't exist. You are in the right place. This is where the rebuilding begins. Glad you are here.

 

Thank you. I am very hard on myself. I have such a hard time accepting that it doesn't exist at least somewhat. It can't be so black and white. But I suppose that's the way I have to look at it to help myself move on.

[Zahara]

No I didn't. I have always felt like I was missing something and always searching. I had left my job in a big city because I wasn't fulfilled. I moved to that small town where I met him to go back to school for a second career in nursing. I felt lonely and empty and unsure. And meeting him helped me feel like a part of something and wanted by someone even for a short time.

 

I feel so sad and pathetic when I look at the emptiness and desperation in my life.

 

He filled a void you were already feeling in your life. He's not your happiness -- he was just a temporary bandaid. I think I've said before that a partner should be a bonus to an already contented life. Until you fix that "lonely, empty and unsure" you'll be looking to others to make you feel whole, and sometimes clinging to the wrong ones because you're so desperate to feel validated.

 

He compounded the pain you were already feeling before you met him. There is a root to your pain. He is not it. There is something deeper going on and hopefully you find a therapist that can help you with that.

[CrushingHope]

He filled a void you were already feeling in your life. He's not your happiness -- he was just a temporary bandaid. I think I've said before that a partner should be a bonus to an already contented life. Until you fix that "lonely, empty and unsure" you'll be looking to others to make you feel whole, and sometimes clinging to the wrong ones because you're so desperate to feel validated.

 

He compounded the pain you were already feeling before you met him. There is a root to your pain. He is not it. There is something deeper going on and hopefully you find a therapist that can help you with that.

 

Yes I have always known that. I guess I don't believe that everyone in good relationships necessarily felt good and whole and wonderful in their lives before meeting their partner. Ideally yes, but is that the reality for most people? Hard to say but I kind of don't think so.

 

But yes I do have things to delve into about why I'm so empty. I get that for sure.

Edited February 1, 2018 by CrushingHope