From GF to OW

[Zahara]

Yes I have always known that. I guess I don't believe that everyone in good relationships necessarily felt good and whole and wonderful in their lives before meeting their partner. Ideally yes, but is that the reality for most people? Hard to say but I kind of don't think so.

 

But yes I do have things to delve into about why I'm so empty. I get that for sure.

 

I truly believe that when you don't feel good about yourself, much of that determines the quality of people and relationships you attract, especially when you've revolved and centered the basis of your life and your happiness on someone else. And it's reflected in the people around me.

 

I was doing the exact same thing you were doing. It took me nearly a decade of being absolutely destroyed until I realized that I had to be fulfilled within myself, comfortable in my own skin and content with my aloneness to break the dependency cycle. I stayed single for many years -- I traveled the world alone, went to the movies alone, went to meetups alone, dined alone, etc. and while it was difficult in the beginning, I soon felt empowered and independent. I didn't need anyone.

 

Early last year I started dating on OLD and I realized I was able to spot the flags and eliminate the bad ones quickly. I went in with a stronger set of boundaries and STANDARDS. I knew what I deserved. The old me would have latched on to the first one that made me feel good and avoided all the red flags and that was because I needed a man. I met someone a few months later and I went in with my eyes wide open and I now see what a healthy and normal relationship feels like.

 

Some people go into relationships feeling broken and attract broken, and stay broken. Do the work and invest the time in healing and reflection -- when you do find him, it will be the icing on the cake, and if you don't you'll be perfectly fine living an already contented life.

[Timshel]

But yes I do have things to delve into about why I'm so empty. I get that for sure.

 

Yes, you do. The pain that you have right now has nothing to do with a cheating alcoholic. This is the underbelly of deceit. All deceit.

 

The pain was there before you met this person love and will remain until you extricate yourself. Yep, you will need to do this...no person is able to do it for you.

 

Neither will you be able to 'save' the alcoholic liar from himself. That will be his job not yours.

 

You are in need of professional assistance and have said that you are currently unable to afford therapy. This is a link (without knowing where you are.)

 

Mental Health Counseling - Services - Therapy

 

Within the U.S., there are free and income based services available.

 

If you can go to family for a bit, I would highly recommend this. I think you alluded to starting a new job, so a vacation may not be prudent. However, the wallowing must stop as you are digging deeper with every post.

 

When I said counter transference, I am not engaged.

Get yourself some help CH, you are not thinking clearly and need to begin to do so.

 

Eat healthy, exercise, sleep and let people who truly love you take you back to reality.

 

Best.

[CrushingHope]

I truly believe that when you don't feel good about yourself, much of that determines the quality of people and relationships you attract, especially when you've revolved and centered the basis of your life and your happiness on someone else. And it's reflected in the people around me.

 

I was doing the exact same thing you were doing. It took me nearly a decade of being absolutely destroyed until I realized that I had to be fulfilled within myself, comfortable in my own skin and content with my aloneness to break the dependency cycle. I stayed single for many years -- I traveled the world alone, went to the movies alone, went to meetups alone, dined alone, etc. and while it was difficult in the beginning, I soon felt empowered and independent. I didn't need anyone.

 

Early last year I started dating on OLD and I realized I was able to spot the flags and eliminate the bad ones quickly. I went in with a stronger set of boundaries and STANDARDS. I knew what I deserved. The old me would have latched on to the first one that made me feel good and avoided all the red flags and that was because I needed a man. I met someone a few months later and I went in with my eyes wide open and I now see what a healthy and normal relationship feels like.

 

Some people go into relationships feeling broken and attract broken, and stay broken. Do the work and invest the time in healing and reflection -- when you do find him, it will be the icing on the cake, and if you don't you'll be perfectly fine living an already contented life.

 

Your story gives me hope. Thank you for sharing it.

 

I think what confuses me about certain aspects of myself is that, although I might be coming across as codependent and needy and desperate, I actually enjoy spending time alone and have done all the things you've said you did to become ok with yourself - I traveled for a year alone in my 30s, I go to movies alone, no problem going to a restaurant by myself and quite often really need my alone time when in a relationship. I have been single for the better part of 10 years. Yes, I've dated but a few months here and there and that's it.

 

I think what is a big issue for me is my thinking I'm not good enough for someone...I don't feel attractive enough anymore...never really did, as I'm a bit overweight and am now aging a little and don't have youth on my side. And I feel like I'm left with the scraps of the singles. And I take what I can get. I know that's a terrible way to look at it, but I guess that's how I really feel.

 

I definitely don't listen to red flags, but sometimes feel that at my age there are likely going to be red flags on a lot of people and I don't get to be as choosey as I once was.

[BaileyB]

The pain that you have right now has nothing to do with a cheating alcoholic.

 

Absolutely. You have admitted, you are feeling socially isolated, you lack purpose with your life, and you are probably depressed...

 

These things have nothing to do with a cheating alcolohic. This relationship was really, just a band-aide. And, now that he is gone from your life you have nothing to distract you or deliver you from the sadness and isolation you are feeling.

 

These problems will not be fixed by a cheating alcoholic or any other relationship. The best thing to do is go to counselling, eat well, exercise, get out of the house and make connections with people, and dream about your plans for the future.

[BaileyB]

I like this post from another discussion.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/646800-pain-overwhelming

 

 

The following is some information from a TED talk about the pursuit of happiness & why that goal will always make you more depressed.

 

The speaker had 4 pillars to feeling fulfilled which she said is a better goal then happiness. To feel better about themselves & their situations people need the following:

 

1. Purpose -- what are you doing with you life?

 

2. Transcendence -- what gets you out of yourself? For some people it's religion, for other's it's nature, for some it's writing, or exercise.

 

3. Belonging -- who are your 'people'? Who gets you?

 

4. Storytelling / personal narrative. This is how you view your life & when you write a negative story you bring yourself down. The speaker talked about this athlete who was injured. When he could not longer play sports his narrative was very negative: I was an athlete. I got hurt. Now I'm nothing. Over time he changed it. He volunteered mentoring kids & found a new purpose. His narrative became more positive: When I was an athlete I was selfish & shallow. Now I have become a better person & I make a positive difference in the world.

 

I thought I would share because it may give you some concrete ideas of things that you can focus on, to improve your outlook and your quality of life.

[Zahara]

Your story gives me hope. Thank you for sharing it.

 

I think what confuses me about certain aspects of myself is that, although I might be coming across as codependent and needy and desperate, I actually enjoy spending time alone and have done all the things you've said you did to become ok with yourself - I traveled for a year alone in my 30s, I go to movies alone, no problem going to a restaurant by myself and quite often really need my alone time when in a relationship. I have been single for the better part of 10 years. Yes, I've dated but a few months here and there and that's it.

 

I think what is a big issue for me is my thinking I'm not good enough for someone...I don't feel attractive enough anymore...never really did, as I'm a bit overweight and am now aging a little and don't have youth on my side. And I feel like I'm left with the scraps of the singles. And I take what I can get. I know that's a terrible way to look at it, but I guess that's how I really feel.

 

But you're not okay with yourself. If you were whole within yourself, you wouldn't be in the mindset of everything you said that I've highlighted in bold. Those are the words of someone who is feeling broken and sees life in a bleak manner.

 

Yes, you traveled alone. You went to the movies alone. But what is still truly stirring inside? The core, the root of your self-worth is still broken.

 

I definitely don't listen to red flags, but sometimes feel that at my age there are likely going to be red flags on a lot of people and I don't get to be as choosey as I once was.

 

This is dangerous. This line of thinking will leave you settling and having no boundaries or standards. It's called red flags for a reason. You don't accept red flags just because you need to have someone.

[CrushingHope]

Yes, you do. The pain that you have right now has nothing to do with a cheating alcoholic. This is the underbelly of deceit. All deceit.

 

The pain was there before you met this person love and will remain until you extricate yourself. Yep, you will need to do this...no person is able to do it for you.

 

Neither will you be able to 'save' the alcoholic liar from himself. That will be his job not yours.

 

You are in need of professional assistance and have said that you are currently unable to afford therapy. This is a link (without knowing where you are.)

 

Mental Health Counseling - Services - Therapy

 

Within the U.S., there are free and income based services available.

 

If you can go to family for a bit, I would highly recommend this. I think you alluded to starting a new job, so a vacation may not be prudent. However, the wallowing must stop as you are digging deeper with every post.

 

When I said counter transference, I am not engaged.

Get yourself some help CH, you are not thinking clearly and need to begin to do so.

 

Eat healthy, exercise, sleep and let people who truly love you take you back to reality.

 

Best.

 

I don't have much family to go to. My dad is amazing but he is very sensitive towards me and although that's very good and he is a wonderful listener, he doesn't know how to advise me. He's wonderful but he was married to not great women who both cheated on him. He is a fixer too in many ways but also has issues with relationships and feeling worthy and stuff so he's not the ideal person to help. Other than that, I don't have family to talk to.

 

I have a few close friends that I have talked to about this over and over but I don't want to burden them with it so I talk less than I need to. I know I need to find counselling at some point. I looked into free services here (I'm in Canada) but they have some walk in services but you don't see the same person every time so you're just dealing with acute issues , as you have to explain the the whole story every time.

 

I am eating healthy and trying to get enough sleep. I'm working on exercising but this is definitely something I need to do more of.

 

I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am trying to improve my day-to-day life.

[CrushingHope]

But you're not okay with yourself. If you were whole within yourself, you wouldn't be in the mindset of everything you said that I've highlighted in bold. Those are the words of someone who is feeling broken and sees life in a bleak manner.

 

Yes, you traveled alone. You went to the movies alone. But what is still truly stirring inside? The core, the root of your self-worth is still broken.

 

 

 

This is dangerous. This line of thinking will leave you settling and having no boundaries or standards. It's called red flags for a reason. You don't accept red flags just because you need to have someone.

 

 

I know I'm not ok with myself on certain levels. I just meant that I've done all of that and it hasn't brought me to a place where I'm ok with myself and I don't know what else to do.

[CrushingHope]

I like this post from another discussion.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/646800-pain-overwhelming

 

 

 

I thought I would share because it may give you some concrete ideas of things that you can focus on, to improve your outlook and your quality of life.

 

I like the idea of this. And I have always believed that "happiness" is not a place that can be landed to stay...it's a fleeting emotion. Contentment is really what I strive for (even though I may say "i just want to be happy"...what i really mean is content).

 

And I don't know how to answer the questions she asks. I really don't know.

[Zahara]

I know I'm not ok with myself on certain levels. I just meant that I've done all of that and it hasn't brought me to a place where I'm ok with myself and I don't know what else to do.

 

You can't be okay with yourself if you see no value in yourself. Your post was revealing.

 

I did those things because I wanted to find my independence and I wanted to feel empowered because my life always had to center around a man or being in a relationship. But I didn't just do that. Along with therapy and years invested in self-reflection, it got me to higher ground. I had an objective.

 

Sure, I did those same things when I was messed up and single. I was just going through the motions until someone came along. I'd go through a bad cycle. Then I'd go through life again doing stuff on my own. There was no self-awareness. There was no insight as to why I was feeling empty. My self-worth was still broken. Just living day to day life until the next bad relationship. The fact that you even said at your age you have to accept red flags is indicative of how warped your mindset has become, how little you believe you deserve and how dependent you are on being with someone. And this didn't just happen overnight. It's become a powerful root.

 

You need to see a therapist. Find a good one, i had to go through 5 to finally find one that worked for me. It takes effort, time and commitment.

Edited February 2, 2018 by Zahara

[CrushingHope]

 

Sure, I did those same things when I was messed up and single. I was just going through the motions until someone came along. I'd go through a bad cycle. Then I'd go through life again doing stuff on my own. There was no self-awareness. There was no insight as to why I was feeling empty. My self-worth was still broken. Just living day to day life until the next bad relationship. The fact that you even said at your age you have to accept red flags is indicative of how warped your mindset has become, how little you believe you deserve and how dependent you are on being with someone. And this didn't just happen overnight. It's become a powerful root.

 

 

Yes. This resonates with me. I know I don't feel self-worth in a lot of ways and I don't know where it stems from. I guess maybe I can see where it came from a little bit but not sure why it's as bad as it is. Perhaps it just gets worse and worse over the years. It sure seems that way.

 

People tell me such good things about me all the time and I honestly can't see it. I scoff at people who give me any kind of compliment because I just don't believe it. The only compliment I know how to take is when I'm told I'm funny (you can't see it here but it is definitely my strongest quality which has helped me out in my life so much), because that one I actually believe.

 

I am determined that I will find help and get to a healthier spot. This experience has definitely taken me to my self-worth rock bottom.

 

I don't know where I would be without the kindness and help you have all showed me. It's really, really helpful and restores my faith in humanity. I am so very grateful.

[BTDT2012]

Yes. This resonates with me. I know I don't feel self-worth in a lot of ways and I don't know where it stems from. I guess maybe I can see where it came from a little bit but not sure why it's as bad as it is. Perhaps it just gets worse and worse over the years. It sure seems that way.

 

People tell me such good things about me all the time and I honestly can't see it. I scoff at people who give me any kind of compliment because I just don't believe it. The only compliment I know how to take is when I'm told I'm funny (you can't see it here but it is definitely my strongest quality which has helped me out in my life so much), because that one I actually believe.

 

I am determined that I will find help and get to a healthier spot. This experience has definitely taken me to my self-worth rock bottom.

 

I don't know where I would be without the kindness and help you have all showed me. It's really, really helpful and restores my faith in humanity. I am so very grateful.

 

Do you have a personal relationship with God? If not, maybe that is what is missing.

[CrushingHope]

Do you have a personal relationship with God? If not, maybe that is what is missing.

 

No I don't. I'm not a believer so this is not something that I can realistically turn to.

[GreenTea937]

I know how you feel. I am trying to break free of a similar man. When they treat us well, its intoxicating. When they go back to other women, you feel emotionally broken. These kinds of men becomce like a drug.

 

This might not be the best advice but have you considered talking to his wife. Letting her know what kind of man he is. Maybe he is the reason for her alcoholism. As long as you know they wont both gang up on you, perhaps you might want to have a woman to woman conversation with this wife of his. She needs to know she has a cheater of a man. Also, it might help you see that this man wont ever change and its best for you to avoid him.

[CrushingHope]

I know how you feel. I am trying to break free of a similar man. When they treat us well, its intoxicating. When they go back to other women, you feel emotionally broken. These kinds of men becomce like a drug.

 

This might not be the best advice but have you considered talking to his wife. Letting her know what kind of man he is. Maybe he is the reason for her alcoholism. As long as you know they wont both gang up on you, perhaps you might want to have a woman to woman conversation with this wife of his. She needs to know she has a cheater of a man. Also, it might help you see that this man wont ever change and its best for you to avoid him.

 

Thank you, GreenTea, I hate that you're going through a similar situation. Those good feelings from him are absolutely like a drug and I feel like I've been detoxing from him with a few relapses over the last year and a half.

 

Reaching out to his GF is most definitely not an option for me. The two of them are volatile alcoholics and she has been one far longer than he has. This woman is a very, very low-life kind of woman (as I'm sure he is). She is abusive and gets in fights at bars and is just basically not a great woman. A very good friend of mine knows her and told me that she would fear for my safety if this woman knew about me. I remember when my friend found out this is the woman my bf was going back to her face was like "omg. this is not good". The things she told me about her were really scary. That was the moment I realized that maybe he was not quite the person I thought he was.

 

I have had fantasies of sending all of the presents and card he gave me this Christmas to her house, but I'll never do that. It's really not my style, and wouldn't make me feel better in any way.

 

I need to focus less on them and more on me.

 

The last couple of days have made me think a lot (as usual), but I'm trying to focus on what life would be like even if i got what I think I want. If he came back to me, even if he confessed everything and told me about the drinking and everything and begged me to be with him etc, life for us would be a constant uphill battle. And last night I was at a friend's for dinner and I was filling her in on the updates. Her husband was there and hearing it all for the first time and the look on his face was utter shock and disbelief that I would want anything to do with him ever again. There are a few people I've told whose faces of reaction were worth more to me than a lot of advice I hear. I'm really trying to see this from an outsiders perspective. It's helping.

[CrushingHope]

I saw a pic of them that's really taken me back a step this morning. It was a pic of them on new years. He looks miserable. She is smiling. It makes me sad to see him like that. I think it would sting more if he looked happy but it makes me more sad to see him not looking happy if that makes sense.

 

Yesterday I was feeling a little stronger. Today I have gone backwards and i feel myself wanting to reach out again. I won't. But I want to terribly. It really is like a drug addiction and this withdrawal is killing me.

 

I kept busy this weekend as much as I could. It helps in the moment but when I'm back home I feel so isolated and so sad. I am trying not to let the sadness take over. Some days are harder than others.

 

Just posting to get it out. Thanks for reading.

[Zahara]

I saw a pic of them that's really taken me back a step this morning. It was a pic of them on new years. He looks miserable. She is smiling. It makes me sad to see him like that. I think it would sting more if he looked happy but it makes me more sad to see him not looking happy if that makes sense.

 

Yesterday I was feeling a little stronger. Today I have gone backwards and i feel myself wanting to reach out again. I won't. But I want to terribly. It really is like a drug addiction and this withdrawal is killing me.

 

I kept busy this weekend as much as I could. It helps in the moment but when I'm back home I feel so isolated and so sad. I am trying not to let the sadness take over. Some days are harder than others.

 

Just posting to get it out. Thanks for reading.

 

I wouldn't place any attention on one photo. It was a split second shot. You don't get to see the rest of their relationship. They may have high highs and low lows but at the end of the day, it works for the both of them. Maybe he looked that way because he was tired and drunk celebrating the New Years. And even if he is miserable, understand that that misery is natural to him -- he spent 7 years with it and wants more. People that have conditioned themselves to abusive relationships thrive in them because anything other than that is unnatural and unattractive.

 

Try to stop feeling sorry for him. He doesn't feel sorry for you. Again, all your compassion and empathy should be directed inward.

 

It would be best for you to block him on your social media. If you're trying to heal and move on, the best thing to do is to avoid setbacks and triggers.

 

When you feel isolated and sad, allow those feelings to come upon you, embrace and manage them on your own. Don't give in or react. The more you push through the discomfort, the sooner you get to the other side.

 

Don't seek comfort in what hurts you.

Edited February 5, 2018 by Zahara

[CrushingHope]

I wouldn't place any attention on one photo. It was a split second shot. You don't get to see the rest of their relationship. They may have high highs and low lows but at the end of the day, it works for the both of them. Maybe he looked that way because he was tired and drunk celebrating the New Years. And even if he is miserable, understand that that misery is natural to him -- he spent 7 years with it and wants more. People that have conditioned themselves to abusive relationships thrive in them because anything other than that is unnatural and unattractive.

 

Try to stop feeling sorry for him. He doesn't feel sorry for you. Again, all your compassion and empathy should be directed inward.

 

It would be best for you to block him on your social media. If you're trying to heal and move on, the best thing to do is to avoid setbacks and triggers.

 

When you feel isolated and sad, allow those feelings to come upon you, embrace and manage them on your own. Don't give in or react. The more you push through the discomfort, the sooner you get to the other side.

 

Don't seek comfort in what hurts you.

 

I don't have him on my social media. I saw it by chance when I was looking at someone else's pics but i was looking for pics of him. It was my own fault.

 

I can't help but feel sorry for him. I know I shouldn't. I know no one seems to like him much or have anything good to say about him. I guess I'm just still stuck on thinking about the guy he showed himself to be to me at the time. I'm stuck there and am afraid to leave that daydream.

 

I feel like such a failure at life. I don't even know how else to say it. I want to live a better life but I don't know how to stop doing things that make me miserable. Maybe that's why I feel for him. Cuz I'm doing it too and know how it feels to be stuck. I am getting something out of holding onto this hope but I don't what. I guess some hope seems better than none. I have to shift my thinking. If I believe there could or will be someone else I would find it easier to lose hope with him.

[CantTakeMySmile]

If I believe there could or will be someone else I would find it easier to lose hope with him.

 

 

This statement says that it is more about being with someone, anyone, not just him. You are pining for a mate, not him. Recognizing that is hope in itself.

[CrushingHope]

If I believe there could or will be someone else I would find it easier to lose hope with him.

 

 

This statement says that it is more about being with someone, anyone, not just him. You are pining for a mate, not him. Recognizing that is hope in itself.

 

I know that's probably true but somehow it doesn't make it easier. I wish it did. Some minutes I get a sudden blast of clarity and I feel ok. But very quickly it goes away,

[Zahara]

I know that's probably true but somehow it doesn't make it easier. I wish it did. Some minutes I get a sudden blast of clarity and I feel ok. But very quickly it goes away,

 

And that is normal. You're grieving and going through the phases.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-we/201406/the-7-stages-grieving-breakup

 

The emotions will come in waves, one moment up and one moment down. It doesn't mean you're stagnating or regressing, it just means you're cycling through the emotions. You're likely going to feel this way for awhile.

 

You can't undo or overturn these emotions overnight. You need to go through the process, in order to heal and to come out stronger and wiser.

[CrushingHope]

And that is normal. You're grieving and going through the phases.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-we/201406/the-7-stages-grieving-breakup

 

The emotions will come in waves, one moment up and one moment down. It doesn't mean you're stagnating or regressing, it just means you're cycling through the emotions. You're likely going to feel this way for awhile.

 

You can't undo or overturn these emotions overnight. You need to go through the process, in order to heal and to come out stronger and wiser.

 

Thank you Zahara. Reading that article made me feel both hopeful that I'll be ok and that I'm (at least somewhat) normal and scared that I'll be feeling this way for a long time.

 

Seeing that pic was as bad as texting him in terms of setting myself back. I used to look around to try to find proof of my suspicions or to see something that could help me make sense of all of this. But I know the truth now. I know enough to know a future for us would never be what I would want for myself.

 

I keep coming back here to read what everyone has said because it helps bring myself back to reality and out of my fantasy world.

[MollieMcWench]

I feel like I trust and believe everything everyone is saying. And I do feel CLOSER to ending it than I have over the last 2 years. I just have to take that leap...it's so much easier said than done. Once I do it, the hope is gone.

 

So is the weight of the delusion you're struggling with. I don't know if "delusion" is the right word, but I can't think of a better word at the moment. There is a freedom in letting go. I don't know, I was an OW when I was young, and when I finally ended it, I felt mostly relief. I felt I had returned to a world where things made sense, and I didn't have to lie to myself or rationalize the affair. That was a tremendous relief. I think the split may have been easier because we lived in different cities.

Edited February 6, 2018 by MollieMcWench
Add a sentence

[Miss Clavel]

or

 

 

keep seeing him.

 

in fact it's to your advantage that he's living with a married women.. she's married, to the bottle.

 

he is not going to leave her and even if he does, you aren't going to take him in.

 

and why should you? why get involved with any of this drama that he seems to love so much.

 

just have him over, on, off and out.

 

keep your life, keep your cool, no pressure.

 

let him come over, let him leave.

 

what difference is it to you??

 

you can't fix him, you can't change him or her or anyone on the planet besides yourself.

 

i let my crush come over here for years and years and cried a river the first year until i realized, in my home, in my bed, he's mine.

 

he stays, he sleeps, he leaves, hurray!!

 

he's out and i'm refreshed, revitalized and happy to think of the the things we said and did together all day and all night till the next day.

 

then he goes "home'.

 

who cares?? i couldn't have him here and in truth, ALWAYS just accepted, "it is what it is".

 

you don't need him to love bomb you into what you already want to do.

you don't need him to future fake you , you're already doing it.

 

not every relationship has a future. not everyone ends up together, big whoop. and unless you want to have children within a nuclear family, married, what are you really losing? you have more to lose if he moves in, like your lease for non payment.

 

take the "competition" aspect out of this triangle, cuz if you were in your right mind you'd know that the worst thing would be for you to win him and have him move over to your house, full time, christ...

 

it is what it is. but what it could be is a nice quiet affair. he comes over, he leaves, you go back to your life, your work and your cat, knowing you'll see each other when you see each other. and for some women, it's enough.

 

good luck.

[CrushingHope]

or

 

 

keep seeing him.

 

in fact it's to your advantage that he's living with a married women.. she's married, to the bottle.

 

he is not going to leave her and even if he does, you aren't going to take him in.

 

and why should you? why get involved with any of this drama that he seems to love so much.

 

just have him over, on, off and out.

 

keep your life, keep your cool, no pressure.

 

let him come over, let him leave.

 

what difference is it to you??

 

you can't fix him, you can't change him or her or anyone on the planet besides yourself.

 

i let my crush come over here for years and years and cried a river the first year until i realized, in my home, in my bed, he's mine.

 

he stays, he sleeps, he leaves, hurray!!

 

he's out and i'm refreshed, revitalized and happy to think of the the things we said and did together all day and all night till the next day.

 

then he goes "home'.

 

who cares?? i couldn't have him here and in truth, ALWAYS just accepted, "it is what it is".

 

you don't need him to love bomb you into what you already want to do.

you don't need him to future fake you , you're already doing it.

 

not every relationship has a future. not everyone ends up together, big whoop. and unless you want to have children within a nuclear family, married, what are you really losing? you have more to lose if he moves in, like your lease for non payment.

 

take the "competition" aspect out of this triangle, cuz if you were in your right mind you'd know that the worst thing would be for you to win him and have him move over to your house, full time, christ...

 

it is what it is. but what it could be is a nice quiet affair. he comes over, he leaves, you go back to your life, your work and your cat, knowing you'll see each other when you see each other. and for some women, it's enough.

 

good luck.

 

I sort of see what you're saying but not really. It confuses me a little. He's not coming over. We aren't even talking. We didn't even see each other when we were talking over the last couple of months.

 

This wasn't an affair in the real sense of the word. We were together when he had left her twice. I get that emotionally he hadn't truly left her but he was with me during that time. And has been going back and forth.

 

But yes. You're right about life not being great if he came back to me for good. It wouldn't be easy. It would be a constant uphill battle. And my mind knows that very clearly. But my heart still doesn't.

 

I don't think it's something that I can really explain properly. I guess the closest way is to say that it's a fog. And I'm waiting for it to clear.