She's back! and it feels weird.

[phenix]

Three years after dumping me, she had a few bfs meanwhile, she is back.

Over those three years, she routinely checked in but it was always very friendly.

Lately she has been much more aggressive, talking to me a lot, inviting me to meetup and insisting, saying the time with me was the best she's ever had with a guy.

 

Honestly, despite that I am still super attracted to her, it just feels wrong. I wanted her back so much back then. Now I feel more detached, and quite displeased with the fact that she shopped around after dumping me. I guess that is probably what bugs me the most. I feel like investing time towards her, seeing her, talking to her, is demeaning to me. Very demeaning. So far I am just being polite, but I am wondering if I should tell her to heck off. Why am I being polite with someone that flushed me?

 

Curious to hears thoughts/opinions.

[Zahara]

Is this the ex from all your other threads?

[mejustme]

Three years after dumping me, she had a few bfs meanwhile, she is back.

Over those three years, she routinely checked in but it was always very friendly.

Lately she has been much more aggressive, talking to me a lot, inviting me to meetup and insisting, saying the time with me was the best she's ever had with a guy.

 

Honestly, despite that I am still super attracted to her, it just feels wrong. I wanted her back so much back then. Now I feel more detached, and quite displeased with the fact that she shopped around after dumping me. I guess that is probably what bugs me the most. I feel like investing time towards her, seeing her, talking to her, is demeaning to me. Very demeaning. So far I am just being polite, but I am wondering if I should tell her to heck off. Why am I being polite with someone that flushed me?

 

Curious to hears thoughts/opinions.

 

Hmmmm....it’s almost as if I wrote this myself. You are being polite and entertaining this because you are a nice person. However, you may want to let her know now how you feel. My ex and I broke up three times in the last 5 years and I ran back damn near begging. This last break up, I was done. I wised up and walked away and didn’t say another word to him. Well, he’s back this time and I played the polite routine for a while but I was very honest with him and told him that he has a lot to prove to me and that I was willing to take this one day at a time. But I will say that my feelings have changed. I don’t feel the same about him this time around. I have seen my ex on three occasions and I keep hoping that my feelings will grow stronger for him. Good luck in figuring this out. It is a struggle.

[phenix]

Is this the ex from all your other threads?

 

You are perfectly right"

[phenix]

Hmmmm....it’s almost as if I wrote this myself. You are being polite and entertaining this because you are a nice person. However, you may want to let her know now how you feel. My ex and I broke up three times in the last 5 years and I ran back damn near begging. This last break up, I was done. I wised up and walked away and didn’t say another word to him. Well, he’s back this time and I played the polite routine for a while but I was very honest with him and told him that he has a lot to prove to me and that I was willing to take this one day at a time. But I will say that my feelings have changed. I don’t feel the same about him this time around. I have seen my ex on three occasions and I keep hoping that my feelings will grow stronger for him. Good luck in figuring this out. It is a struggle.

 

Right, I'm still attracted but what a horrible love story that I don't want to ever have to tell to anyone. I hoping someone better will one day come around.

[central]

Did you sit on your hands all this time, or have you been shopping around, too? That part of your issue with her is ludicrous, IMO. How else do you figure out what/who is good for you if you don't look? Now she knows - too bad that she wasn't sufficiently experienced or wise back then, but it is what it is.

 

 

But, if you don't feel that getting back together would be good for you, then turn her down politely and go no contact going forward. If you just want to hurt her back, then that reflects more on you than on her.

[BluesPower]

Go with your gut and blow her off...

 

And you are right to think that you don't want to be number 3,4,5 or what ever.

 

She played around, banged a lot of guys, and three years later she figures out how great you are?

 

No way man, Ex's are Ex's for a reason.

 

Move on already...

[phenix]

Did you sit on your hands all this time, or have you been shopping around, too? That part of your issue with her is ludicrous, IMO. How else do you figure out what/who is good for you if you don't look? Now she knows - too bad that she wasn't sufficiently experienced or wise back then, but it is what it is.

 

 

But, if you don't feel that getting back together would be good for you, then turn her down politely and go no contact going forward. If you just want to hurt her back, then that reflects more on you than on her.

 

I've been shopping hard but have not found anything. You're right though, no need to be rude.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Okay...Can you please re-hash the background info on this relationship...There is alot of thread to go through since 2015 apparently.

How old are you two?

 

How long was the relationship?

 

Is this the same gal that converted to Islam?

 

What is your background and wants/needs right now?

[phenix]

Okay...Can you please re-hash the background info on this relationship...There is alot of thread to go through since 2015 apparently.

How old are you two?

 

How long was the relationship?

 

Is this the same gal that converted to Islam?

 

What is your background and wants/needs right now?

 

Right so overall we have been together for approx 1.5y with a bit of on and off. We are mid 20s both with full time jobs in related fields. We both want long term serious relationship and we both are single at the moment.

 

What was shocking to me back then was how quickly that all went down, from her wanting to be with me to her dumping me and soon rebounding with someone else that she had lined up, leaving me in the dark.

 

Yes it is the one that apparently converted but one thing I learned recently while talking to her again is that it actually didn't matter that much. One thing I learned is that when someone dumps you, they don't want to hurt your feelings so they will come up with all sorts of excuses. It really is pointless to ask and try to understand because you probably won't get real answers.

 

Also looking back to my previous posts I kind of feel embarassed at how that took a toll on me and I assigned so much value to that one girl. I feel embarassed at how badly I tried to get her back, and I'm surprised she is here now insisting to see me and saying she misses me after I made such a fool of myself - she probably forgot. Time really does heal everything even though it seems impossible in the moment. I went from being goofy and emotionally wrecked, to being more stable emotionally and seeing things for what they are, and being ok with the fact that I will never be with a girl that with whom I shared amazing moments, but that someone else will. The thought of her being with other people did sting, but it didn't last.

 

Lots of pain back then but great learning experience I guess.

Edited January 5, 2018 by phenix

[bluecastle]

Your 20s are a tumultuous time. Feelings come and go and come back around again, though not always at the same pace with two people.

 

It sounds like either (a) you're just not that into her anymore or (b) your pride is preventing you from entertaining things. Either way, life is short. What's the point of dallying?

 

That said, IF somewhere in your mind/heart is a little itch, don't snuff it out from pride alone. She's shopped, you've shopped—that's human. Has she grown? Have you? In whatever new shape you two have taken as individuals, is there room/desire to inhabit it together? Those are the questions I'd be asking.

[Been]

Because your gut is telling you that the only reason she's with you is because the others didn't workout.

Your gut is telling you yo were an option rather then s choice and if anyone come along she deems better she's gone. LISTEN to your gut.

[Downtown]

Phenix, you're describing a woman who is emotionally unstable. Because this is most apparent in your Jan 2015 thread about this same woman, I will respond to comments you made there.

 

I don't understand how women can say things and then instantly change their mind the next day.

Phexix, that's how unstable people behave. When emotional instability lasts for only a year or two, the two most common causes are a strong hormone change and drug abuse. However, you apparently are not talking about a temporary instability but, rather, a persistent lifetime instability.

 

The two common causes of lifetime instability are BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and bipolar disorder. Significantly, you do not seem to be describing a pattern of bipolar symptoms (if you're interested, see my explanation at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences).

 

I therefore suggest you consider whether BPD traits may apply. Many behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling actions, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

For 8 months we have been on and off, it went from having the time of our life together and her saying she would marry me someday, to weeks later saying she doesn't trust me and blocking me out her life.

Phenix, the repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of a BPDer relationship. It occurs because a BPDer's two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that it is impossible to back away from triggering one of her fears without starting to trigger the other fear.

 

As you draw close to assure her of your love, for example, you will trigger a BPDer's engulfment fear because, although BPDers crave intimacy, they cannot tolerate it for very long. Due to a BPDer's fragile, weak sense of self identity, she will quickly feel like you're trying to control her -- and she will get the scary feeling of being suffocated or engulfed. She therefore will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing -- to push you away.

 

Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you unavoidably will start triggering her abandonment fear. Hence, if your exGF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), you were always in a lose/lose situation. You lost no matter what you did. Due to this push-away and pull-back cycle, BPDer relationships are notorious for having numerous breakups.

 

A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

We had the best relationship for half a year thereafter, we would meet twice a month, and our time was simply magic together.

If she is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits behavior on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), it is unlikely you would have seen any strong symptoms during the courtship period. Her infatuation over you would have convinced her that you're the nearly perfect guy who has arrived to rescue her from unhappiness. In that way, the infatuation would have held her two fears at bay until it started to evaporate, which usually occurs about 4 to 6 months into the R/S.

 

Every time we had an issue, she would blame it on the fact that she does not trust me when she is away from me.... but I've been loyal to her ever since we got official.

Because a BPDer is unstable, she cannot trust herself. Until she learns to do that, she is incapable of trusting anyone else for an extended period. Moreover, because a BPDer is very immature emotionally, she has a very weak sense of "object constancy," i.e., is unable to realize that her partner's feelings and thoughts are stable from day to day.

 

At the most basic level, we start learning object constancy while we are still babies. We have to learn, for example, that mother doesn't vanish when she stops talking or when she is out of sight. Of course, your exGF has learned object constancy at that basic level. Yet, if she is a BPDer, her emotional development likely stopped when she was a young child, preventing her from developing a strong sense of object constancy. The result, for a BPDer, is that she will have difficulty believing that you are the same man with the same feelings once you are out of sight, e.g., out of town.

 

it is fascinating how someone can turn 180 just like that.

Phenix, BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And, a week or a month later, they can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from "black-white thinking." Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships.

 

Her subconscious solves this problem by placing the strong conflicting feeling far out of reach of her conscious mind. In that way, way she has to deal with only one strong feeling at a time. The result is that a woman who loves you is suddenly capable of hating you or devaluing you.

 

If this behavior seems strange, remember that you will see it several times a day in young children. A young girl, for example, will adore Daddy when he is bringing out the toys but will immediately flip to hating Daddy when he takes one away.

 

Like young children, a BPDer will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).

 

She ended up threatening me of legal action. I really fell off my chair, I never thought a girl that loved me to the point of marriage would ever say that.

This distorted perception of you as a dangerous stalker is a good example of your being "split black." Significantly, it does not necessarily mean that she has stopped loving you but, rather, that her conscious mind is temporarily out of touch with those loving feelings.

 

Curious to hear thoughts/opinions.

My opinion is that, if you're seriously considering whether to reconcile with your exGF, it would be prudent to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you were dealing with. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," inability to trust, black-white thinking, and lack of impulse control.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join Rider, Blues, and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Phenix.

[phenix]

Thanks to everyone who responded, it is very appreciated. Special thanks to Downtown, I carefully read through your post - very interesting read. She may be exhibiting BPD on a certain level, will definitely keep all that in mind for during further interactions.

[Marc878]

The only one keeping you in this situation is you.

 

You never cut her off so it's prohibited your moving on.

 

You can't have or find another relationship by keeping your X in the mix.

 

Nothing changes unless you change it.

[iflipburgers]

Right so overall we have been together for approx 1.5y with a bit of on and off. We are mid 20s both with full time jobs in related fields. We both want long term serious relationship and we both are single at the moment.

 

What was shocking to me back then was how quickly that all went down, from her wanting to be with me to her dumping me and soon rebounding with someone else that she had lined up, leaving me in the dark.

 

Yes it is the one that apparently converted but one thing I learned recently while talking to her again is that it actually didn't matter that much. One thing I learned is that when someone dumps you, they don't want to hurt your feelings so they will come up with all sorts of excuses. It really is pointless to ask and try to understand because you probably won't get real answers.

 

Also looking back to my previous posts I kind of feel embarassed at how that took a toll on me and I assigned so much value to that one girl. I feel embarassed at how badly I tried to get her back, and I'm surprised she is here now insisting to see me and saying she misses me after I made such a fool of myself - she probably forgot. Time really does heal everything even though it seems impossible in the moment. I went from being goofy and emotionally wrecked, to being more stable emotionally and seeing things for what they are, and being ok with the fact that I will never be with a girl that with whom I shared amazing moments, but that someone else will. The thought of her being with other people did sting, but it didn't last.

 

Lots of pain back then but great learning experience I guess.

 

You words really are helpful in my current situation. Im a forced dumper (she fell out of love with me for the last 12 months, she confirmed). Yet I have made such a fool of myself trying to win her back. man i hope i feel as good as you sound right now! Hope you find a gooden soon enough.

[Cephalopod]

Phenix what you have there is what they call a flake. She a flakey flake, and those types make terrible wives.

 

 

Become a flakephobe and block all calls and texts. Be done with her forever.