Consequences ***Updated***

[DKT3]

Are you shocked by his actions? The saying goes when someone shows you who they are believe them, by cheating on his wife he showed you who he was.

 

As much as it sucks, the positive is, now you know. So you dont have to have those was I good enough thoughts, dudes just no good. Wishing you a better tomorrow

Edited November 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[NotADayGoesBy]

Oh Finding, I’m so sorry. That must have hurt tremendously. I really feel for what you must be experiencing right now. Dealing with the addiction is hard enough when you think he’s trying to work out his marriage, but this...

 

My God, what sort of mojo does this guy have that even as he’s fighting terminal cancer he picks up another woman?

[BaileyB]

So it makes his text to me a few weeks ago even more disgusting. Apparently screwing around on his wife isn't enough, now he wants to screw around on his "girlfriend" too.

 

The whole situation is so disgusting and gross. And humiliating. And on top of all that I still feel the pain of "losing" him and probably will for a long time. Unbelievable.

 

I have never been in your position, so I don’t truly understand how you are feeling... But, I am angry for you! In your position, I would think that any “good thoughts” and “the pain of losing him” would be gone - I would be so angry and so grateful to have this man gone from my life...

 

I wouldn’t look back with any kind of nostalgia or longing - look forward and be glad this guy is in your rear view mirror.

[S2B]

Well most MM that have an OW will not go long without at least one OW - and because they enjoy having the extras - they are sure to groom others so that when OW1 gets tired of his games he's always got another backup plan.

 

It's not unusual.

 

Posters here warn about this often... if there's a vacancy the spot will be filled.

 

Be glad you're not part of his Harem anymore.

 

Find somewhere to go on Sundays - anywhere else. But no more torturing yourself.

[FMW]

Thanks for the responses. Weirdly all this is just likely the magic bullet that brings this to closure for me. I'm completely disgusted and want nothing whatsoever to do with him.

 

I really did love him so that's not going to just go away. But I have no desire to do anything about it anymore. I feel sick in the pit of my stomach.

 

I still love my ex husband but have absolutely no desire to have anything to do with him either. He also has been contacting me lately "just to chat".

 

I think I need to have an exorcism, I have some bad energy around me:p

[FMW]

So I'm having trouble dealing with this new information - that he disappeared on me to be with ANOTHER woman, not his wife. That thought was painful but I really did wish the best for them.

 

But this is just flat out rejection, replacement, and more public than he was with me most of the time. I know he's so very messed up and really bad news for me, but I still have some working through it to go.

 

My xH cheated on me multiple times with multiple women. That was a dull and depressing pain, feeling trapped, because I knew our marriage wasn't great. But this is sharp and crazy making pain.

 

I very honestly don't think there's any way I could ever stand him touching me in any way again, so I'm not dealing with that withdrawal anymore. But the emotional pain is very much still there. I don't think I could even have a civil conversation with him at this point, I would want to scream. I guess that's good, the anger I never worked up before may get me over it eventually.

 

The one friend I've talked to about this finds him so repugnant she doesn't want to listen to anything else and tells me I need distraction. I tried to explain I have to process it first, it's not just going to go away. Distraction will come after I've had more than barely 2 days for it to sink in.

 

So any OW who would like to share their thoughts about mine or their own situations, I would welcome it. In the meantime I guess I'll just go back and re-read old posts on stories I can relate to.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

The one friend I've talked to about this finds him so repugnant she doesn't want to listen to anything else and tells me I need distraction. I tried to explain I have to process it first, it's not just going to go away. Distraction will come after I've had more than barely 2 days for it to sink in.

 

So any OW who would like to share their thoughts about mine or their own situations, I would welcome it. In the meantime I guess I'll just go back and re-read old posts on stories I can relate to.

 

Most people will not understand and have little patience for this sort of thing. They pride themselves on moral superiority and believe they are above this sort of thing and cannot relate or fear that this very thing could happen to them.

 

My 2 cents is the same old advice you will see here repeatedly. You must avoid all situations where you will ever see him again. I realize you are trying to go on with your life without having to give anything up but I am telling you that there is zero percent chance of you moving on and feeling better while you see him. It feels unfair but it is what it is.

 

Since you asked, I had an A in mid 2015, it ended in the typical fashion at the end of 15 which him doing all the typical things, lying about me, saying I was crazy, etc etc. Like you, I refused to quit our mutual "place" and I saw him weekly. He went on without issue, and I got to watch him groom another woman right in front of me. I suffered the consequences. I developed a lot of very odd health issues and extreme odd dental pain - do not under-estimate stress on your body.

 

He did resume flirting with me as well as he orchestrated sex and marriage counseling with his wife to fool her into thinking he had changed and recommitted to her. His fatal flaw was telling me this in text message and she one day saw it as well as a host of other bad behavior. He was gone end of 16. It took me about 8 months after that to feel better.

 

So I lost 3 years of my life to this loser. I regret it. Time I cannot get back.

 

Don't be me. Move on with your life. There is nothing to be gained by trying to prove some point.

[Starswillshine]

I dont have advice to give, but wanted to give you my sympathy.

 

I'm not an OW, I was a BS, but went through the same with my friends. They didnt understand why I didnt just leave already. And why i still wasnt iver him when i finally did leave. You are right, it IS a process. And it hurts. It's a mix of all the emotions. One day, you will get beyond the feelings of wishing he was a better man. You will find peace one day. Keep your chin up. One foot in front of the other.

[FMW]

Thanks Midnight and Stars! Both posts really do help me.

[Bittersweetie]

After the first meeting of me and xAP, which was "magical," a few weeks later he emailed me (!) to tell me that he had decided to be with another other woman. I was angry, devastated, what we had was special, unique, what was he thinking??? I probably would've been less upset if he got back with his wife. And then...he ghosted me.

 

Yet I hung on! I kept our flame burning, because if he didn't do it, I would. I believed in him, in us. I wasn't going to be the one who gave up. So every month or so I'd send him an email, and after about 7-8 months, he responded. I was so happy!

 

I didn't know this at the time, but he'd just been left by both his wife and his other woman. Obviously I was a high priority. But at that time I thought it was a chance for us so I jumped back in again.

 

And my biggest regret is jumping back in. I HATE that I went there, because it was then that things went physical and things got even worse. That again I disrespected my H, my marriage, and most of all myself. I hate that I made the choice to pursue xAP AGAIN without learning anything from my previous choices.

 

So I understand your pain as a OOW but please don't make the mistake I did by romanticizing it or justifying it as "fate" or some other such crap. I see now I was avoiding facing the real issues in myself and my life, which I ended up facing anyway six months later, and were much more convoluted because of my additional selfish choices.

 

They say the only way to the other side is through. It sucks but it's the truth. Sending you strength.

[FMW]

Thanks Bittersweetie. I don't see anything romantic about it, believe me. It's disgusting and humiliating. Before this, yes, I thought it had meant something.

 

I see how wrong I was now.

 

I got involved with him 3 1/2 years ago when my world was falling apart. So yes, he was a much wanted and needed distraction. But things have changed in those 3 1/2 years, I no longer need reckless distraction. I'm ready to move on and be happy now, so it's good to have no reason to hold on anymore.

 

But none of that takes the pain away. It was 3 1/2 years of my life. It will take some time to come to terms with it and heal. I know I will. But for now it's difficult and I feel very alone with the pain with no one to talk to about it. So all the responses help me, I really do appreciate them!

 

I'm sorry for everyone's pain. Hopefully we'll all use it to become better, stronger people.

[FMW]

I probably shouldn't find this surprising, but I really do.

 

I'm really disgusted with xMM, with myself, with our relationship and never want anything to do with him, whatsoever again. I'm thankfully cured of that desire. I actually do hope he's happy and that this rich woman can provide him with whatever he needs for his remaining life. I don't want him to be unhappy and alone. Clearly he and his wife have some kind of weird agreement now about it all.

 

But it still really hurts. I would think that getting over wanting him would be the end, but no, turns out it's not. A lot of it probably has to do with letting myself down so badly that I stayed in something so messed up for over 3 years. It's embarrassing and humiliating. Maybe it's being rejected when I was willing to give it everything I had. I just can't quite figure it out.

 

I guess in time the pain will stop, but it's so odd to not understand why it's still there so strongly.

 

If anyone has any ideas to explain it that would be great, but otherwise maybe this will be further warning for anyone tempted to get into something similar.

 

I'm very sure about my ability to move on, but it's harder than I thought it would be.

[Ronni_W]

Hi, Finding my way.

 

It's embarrassing and humiliating.

I've also been working to heal from this type of feeling (but for a different situation).

 

My counselor told me that I needed to also look at the general causes of what makes people feel embarrassed/humiliated -- fear of criticism or judgment, pride,

not wanting to look stupid in the eyes of others, etc.

It wasn't an exercise in self-introspection that I enjoyed too much - - but it did help me to see beneath the sense of humiliation, to realize that it was more of a core issue

than related to the situation which I'd initially thought (or maybe just took for granted?) was the cause.

 

Sending you hugs, and healing.

[FMW]

Thanks Ronni. I'll have to give that some thought, that's very interesting.

 

I had already realized that some of the sadness I have been experiencing lately wasn't really about him, but about the pain of losing my father and the end of my long marriage. I had distracted myself from both with this relationship. So it's very possible that the source of this pain is not what I think it is.

 

Again, thanks!

[NotADayGoesBy]

I'm sorry Finding--I can only imagine how much that hurts after you spent over three years with him. Isn't it too bad our hearts can't align with our heads? We know he's no good, the relationship is wrong, etc. yet our emotions get in the way.

[HappyAgain2014]

It’s so difficult because you’re humiliated. Whether they realize it or not, many OW remain with MM or remain emotionally invested when the affair is over because it’s easier than accepting they were always more invested than the MM.

 

It’s hard to accept feeling used, stupid, morally bankrupt, etc. it’s also necessary to move on. Reality is you wasted years on this guy who I doubt even has cancer. It doesn’t really matter but you know what you need to know. Just like all the other MM, all he did was talk and play games. Then he walked away and periodically checks in to amuse himself, like a cat playing with a mouse.

 

When you get into a relationship with a single man, you’ll see how ridiculous all of this really was. While the feelings were real, the relationship wasn’t. That becomes clear when you’re really in one.

[FMW]

I understand having contempt for me as an OW and for him as an unfaithful husband.

 

But saying he probably doesn't have cancer is cruel. I shaved his head when his hair started falling out from the chemo. I witnessed the other physical ravages the treatments caused.

 

No matter his moral failings, he's facing death within the next year or two. No matter my pain connected to what happened between us, I sincerely hope he is happy and loved and cared for by someone. It seems that although he remains legally married he and his wife are not going to reconcile. So if he has that love and care with the woman he's currently seeing then I wish them the best.

Edited December 11, 2018 by Finding my way

[HappyAgain2014]

No contempt from me. I was an OW.

 

The cancer is irrelevant. Many people have lied about it so it wouldn’t have surprised me.

 

He will remain married. Cancer or not, he made that choice a long time ago. Him facing death hasn’t changed his behavior so apparently all we can take away from that is that cheating is a real priority for him.

 

I hope you take another look at my post. The advice I gave you is sound.

[FMW]

Thanks for you comments HappyAgain.

 

I think I was getting contempt from the "morally bankrupt" part of your comment

 

I am moving on, there is no danger I will have anything more to do with him ever. I've always known I would be better off without him. I was just surprised that it was still so painful.

 

A month later things have definitely improved, the pain has eased. The revelations about the new OW were a blessing in disguise for me it turns out. Painful in a new way, but a blessing. The door is finally slammed shut and locked now.

[FMW]

So xMM is officially now part of my Sunday afternoon tradition. I have many friends there and have little problem completely ignoring him, but sometimes I feel ridiculous- I don't even make eye contact with him if I can help it. When I do happen to glance at him he frequently is looking at me as well and I just look away.

 

For a split second I have thought maybe I should suck it up and at least acknowledge his presence, but I seriously don't want to.

 

Am I being childish? Anyone "ignoring" someone succesfully?

[FMW]

Ok, I've given it some thought and I'm giving advice to myself

 

He's done really ***tty things to me, he's hurt me very badly. I'm allowed to completely ignore him if I so choose. It would be completely inauthentic of me to smile and say hi as if I was cool with him choosing to completely ghost me for 3 months, not to reconcile with his wife but to hook up with this rich woman I was so unceremoniously dumped for. I'm very clear now on how inconsequential I was in his life. The only reason he might care whether I acknowledge him at all now is because of his ego.

 

He's a stranger to me now.

[Bittersweetie]

Finding you don't owe him anything. I think as women we sometimes feel this need to always be friendly and smiling with everyone we meet. But we don't have to! Not that we have to walk around being jerks to everyone, but for a person who was hurtful and you're trying to heal from...there's no need for a smile or even acknowledgment. And if somehow he takes it the wrong way or says something to you about it...that's his issue, not yours. Go ahead and ignore!

[closetohome]

So xMM is officially now part of my Sunday afternoon tradition. I have many friends there and have little problem completely ignoring him, but sometimes I feel ridiculous- I don't even make eye contact with him if I can help it. When I do happen to glance at him he frequently is looking at me as well and I just look away.

 

For a split second I have thought maybe I should suck it up and at least acknowledge his presence, but I seriously don't want to.

 

Am I being childish? Anyone "ignoring" someone succesfully?

 

Finding My Way,

I was successful for two months, then cracked yesterday. I honestly wish I hadn’t even spoken to him. It’s not me to ignore someone, but I think I now know that this is what I HAVE to do in order to move on from him. This will be very difficult, considering he is my neighbour, but after our conversation yesterday, I have no choice. We can never be friends. He doesn’t want me as a friend. He told me yesterday that it is 100% the right thing for us to be casual acquaintances, and not friends. That was a slap in my face.

 

He was kind, but cold, all wrapped up in one. By the end of the conversation, I felt humiliated and embarrassed for being rejected in that way. He told me he is happy right now, with no complexity in his life. He told me that he genuinely doesn’t want this friendship with me. That hurt me badly. He told me he thinks I am great, but is not avoiding the friendship because I’m great, but avoiding it because it’s inappropriate, wrong, and unsafe.

 

Although I know all of this to be true in my head, it hurt like hell for him to say this to me. His constant flip flopping, friends then not friends, kind then cold, affectionate then super distant and boundary-laden, has turned me into a crazy person. It has made me feel like I made all this up. I told him that I will be staying as far away from him as I can, for the both of us. I give up. I won’t chase after him anymore to be friends or try to make him care about me and what’s going on in my life. I now know that I was just filling a void in his life. Now he says he is happy, which to me just means that he’s only “on” with me when he is unhappy or missing attention in his married life. He doesn’t even want me as friend anymore, and that’s what hurts the most.

 

I almost threw up when he called for us to be casual acquaintances. No thank you. I’d rather be nothing to him.

 

So, now I’m here picking up the pieces of this. The only difference is that he has done this to me so many, many times before. It always feels final. Then somehow we reconnect. I don’t know. This time really did feel final though, it felt different. My hope is that I can just avoid him and try not to run into him, until I at least stop caring. I see him for what he is and how he has treated me, but I’m still hurting.

 

I have deleted his contact, but I’m still mustering up the strength to block his number. He said that I should know that he won’t be reaching out again, that it won’t happen.

 

So, I’m a hot mess right now. I feel like a weight has been lifted, but I’m a mess trying to just move on when he’s right across the street.

[FMW]

Thanks (again) Bittersweetie. It seems wrong to so pointedly ignore him, but he doesn't deserve anything else. Thanks for confirming that:)

 

I'm so sorry closetohome, that was unnecessarily cruel and a ***tty way for him to respond. How horrible to be right across the street, I'm not sure I could deal with that....

[closetohome]

Thanks (again) Bittersweetie. It seems wrong to so pointedly ignore him, but he doesn't deserve anything else. Thanks for confirming that:)

 

I'm so sorry closetohome, that was unnecessarily cruel and a ***tty way for him to respond. How horrible to be right across the street, I'm not sure I could deal with that....

 

Finding My Way,

Thank you. I felt like it was unnecessarily cruel for him to say that as well. When I told him it was a sh**ty thing to say to me, he said “No! I don’t want an inappropriate f**king friendship! Stop getting mad at f***king honesty! Just get it!”

It felt so low to me. So cruel. I no longer serve any of his needs now that he says he’s happy. Not even as a friend. What a jerk. Clearly I’m hurting.