What can I do to save my marriage?

[ClearerSkies]

My husband and I argue often. Occasionally we yell, but usually its just sharp comments or expressing frustration in each other. He gets bothered when I ask for help with our dogs, or I get annoyed when he doesn't pick up after himself. It happens a lot. Last night, after it not happening for a long time, we had a yelling match. Today I realized that I've had enough and this isn't how I want us to live. I sat down and wrote a many-paged letter to him addressing the things that I feel are bothering me the most. When he got home, we sat down and I read it to him. After I was through, he sort of rolled his eyes and said he would take a look at the 'list' later and work on things. Gave me the normal careless 'sorry' with a shooing wave of his hand and left the room.

 

In my letter I addressed my desire for us to go to couples counseling and his refusal of this every time I mention it. I expressed why it is important to me and how his refusal makes me feel that I'm not 'worth it' to him. I explained that I felt controlled as well. He has control of all of our finances. I'm not on the bank account, the house, the savings, any of the bills (not even small ones like netflix), etc. I have expressed many times that this makes me feel un-trusted and temporary. My last complaint in the letter was that he always has the final say. That when we disagree I try to explain my point of view and he never does the same. He never tells me why he feels differently, just shuts down and makes comments like 'I don't want to talk about this.' and simply decides the final outcome of the disagreement for us... forcing me to just accept his way. There is no compromise or discussion on things. I let him know that this makes me feel like we are in a father/child sort of relationship and that it's making me feel depressed.

 

I feel angry with him all the time, for every little thing. I know this frustration is coming from the big issues never getting resolved and constantly being pushed into silence about them. I'm just upset all the time now it seems.

 

Later on tonight I tried again to talk with him, to again tell him that I'm not happy living like this. I told him that I love him, that I don't want a divorce at all and that I want us to have a happier relationship. I pressed the councilor issue, explaining that I want us to fight for each other. He got angry and told me it was not happening. I said I would still like to go on my own, he shut me down and said he would not pay for that. We have the money, we are financially in good shape. He then said we can go get a self-help book and I unhappily agreed to this. We have been down that road before and I know its only a way for him to get out of this easily.

 

What can I do at this point to make my marriage a happier one? How can I let go of my anger and bitterness toward him? Is there a way I can help him to understand how these things are affecting me without causing him to shut down or start a fight? Will I have to just accept these things, or is there a way I can help change them positively for the both of us? How can he tell me he is happy with so much negativity in our relationship?

 

I don't want a divorce, I want a stronger bond with him. This marriage is also filled with a lot of laughter and love. We made a promise to each other and to whatever God is really out there... for better or worse, right? I have hope that it does get better.

[samaraa]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Shades of your situation remind me of my own marriage. I wish I had some wisdom to share with you.

 

Would you mind sharing how long you've been married? Your age, your husband's age?

 

The only tidbit I can share, is that my husband initially refused and then agreed to the notion of marriage counseling. When I told him I wanted to make our relationship better and loved him, and all those positive things, it seemed to have no effect. He was adverse to the idea, finding reasons it wouldn't work. But when I stopped, and told him I didn't Need to be with him, his demeanor changed. He then suggested the marriage counseling himself.

 

I realize you love your husband and want to remain in your marriage, but maybe a reminder to him that you aren't bound to stay and endure forever would be beneficial. I'm not suggesting you threaten him or make false statements, because I think that would be harmful. But maybe remind him that you're a person independent of the relationship, and don't have to stay no matter what.

 

Maybe he gets the sense that you'll endure anything, so why bother?

[somanymistakes]

You can't save your marriage on your own. It takes two.

 

If he's not willing to work with you and pull his share, you don't have a partnership.

[jjgitties]

I think we need to know how long you're been married and your age range.

 

You issues sound similar to mine in some respects. I am unhappy and my wife refuses to go to counseling or accept unhappiness on my part.

 

Lately things have been a little better but I am sure they will go back to being bad again as they always do -- people dont change that easily.

 

One thing to keep in mind is, even though you are married, you do not require his approval to divorce or go to counseling. If he refuses to go, and you feel you need to, and you have voices your concerns multiple times -- then maybe its worth telling him, you have to go and he can chose to not show up -- but he's still getting the bill for it.

 

Also, regarding divorce and separation. I know if hasn't gotten to this point -- but if it does -- you dont need his approval to divorce if you are not happy. You just file for divorce and start the process.

 

 

Do you two have any kids yet? Probably not a good idea to have any until you sort out this marriage/relationship. You should very unhappy and he is not really giving a **** about it. The last thing you want to do is have kids, and have him tied into your life forever.

[d0nnivain]

First don't participate in every argument. If he yells or is sharp with you, take a deep breath, count to 100 & try to figure out why he's upset. If you take a moment to think about this from his perspective, you will be less likely to yell back. Hopefully he'll follow your example.

 

Second read two pop psychology books: The Care & Feeding of a Husband and The Care & Feeding of a Marriage. Both are by Dr. Laura & admittedly they are a bit misogynistic. However, at ground, they are about appreciation. Instead of looking at what your husband is not going: picking up after himself or helping with the dogs, look at what he does do -- brings home a pay check, is in the house, not out carousing etc. Build from there.

 

For example: it makes me nuts when my husband does 1/2 a load of laundry. There are always more dirty clothes so I don't understand why he can't run a full load but I have to take a second & appreciate the fact that the little bit he did do is less I have to do. While he rarely initiates cleaning, he always pitches in when I say "Honey, will you please help me with ___." Note the please.

[maxi105]

hi there Clearer Skies, I know you want this, but in order to make this work your husband has to want it too!!!! its up to him to take steps to get this thing moving again.

 

you said it for me in a nutshell

HE HAS CONTROL!!!!

I'm sorry I don't feel good about this - but you are doing all the ground work here and he is fobbing you off, shooing you away, looking at something you've taken time to express and communicate yourself to him and puts it aside for at a later date...I have a feeling there is always going to be a later date for what you feel inside when you try to talk about how you feel.

 

maybe if you don't want divorce, maybe some time away from him will make him and “you”see things a little bit clearer.

he needs to see that he could lose you and at the moment and is either complacent,spoiled or insecure, careless, heartless or arrogant.

 

its easy to have rose colored glasses on when you love someone, but if you’re not getting what you need back then how long before it takes its natural course. there are warning signs all over your post, but without you husband willing to help you fix things I suspect you are going to have a pretty unhappy life until you end up possibly changing your mind to actually want that divorce!

 

There is nothing about what you say that sounds very long term from his point of view even if you do patch things up for a while, I think it will go back to exactly as it is now…and why, because I wonder whether you are still as compatible and a good match as you feel (or possibly once were – sometimes things change in love, its awful but sometimes it just isn’t there in the same way). Like life,relationships are are not always smooth and they need work if you are going to keep them alive or at least in a healthier state.

 

I could be wrong and I hope you can win this, but from what you say so far about the things in between this marriage and him constantly taking you for granted I don't feel too much optimism. do you know how his past relationships went, control like this often has a pattern and a lot of people under other peoples control don't realize where the real problems are because the controller is very skilled at the way they conduct their partnerships; so they take it all on themselves when there really isn’t much you can say or do when someone is like this.

 

Why don't you have your name (or share in at least a few things that might offer security), on the house - did he buy the house alone?

 

why don't you have any savings with him etc...could it be that this is a point he has a hold over you on and where your anger lets him say to you (go on then go)

...and where are you going if that happens?!!! He isn’t bothered because if he tells you to go (and he could do) he has everything in place to CARRY ON AS HE IS!!!!!!

 

he can tell you he is happy because he is with the way he has his agenda completely over yours (and that includes your happiness it seems).

 

maybe your best option is to go to counseling alone and to hell with him, I definitely feel you need to have an experienced professional ear that will not only allow you to talk about your personal feelings and how they are bringing you down, but also it might help you to start having the strength to either stand up to him and enable a more healthier partnership or take a stand to leave him for long enough that he see's that you are serious in your decisions.

 

me personally, I wouldn't want this kind of thing and I would go for a temporary ultimatum and if he still doesn't get the message I'd be gone.

the promise of happy ever after is a very special thing if you have it, but it is not what everyone can achieve or wants to, like I say; it is about 2 people working together, respecting blah blah...and from what you say so far; there is only 1 person who wants to change and improve.

if you can take anything positive then go to counseling or get free state help,if that fails go elsewhere for a while (quite a while and show him you mean business). I think however - if you do these or propose them strongly,you will see the person for who he is).

 

I think sadly you know this man isn't making you happy anymore and what you don't want is to change that in order to put yourself first for once, possibly because he always comes first and you have come to expect this.

 

but above all, I think now is the time to talk to the professionals, away from a forum where you can go into details honestly at length about the issues that are really troubling you and you can work through things at your own pace but in an honest way. (and even then, if he wont go with you, you may only get so far there as well).

 

its a shame he isn't there for you, but I'm afraid that also tells you a lot about this situation: and wishing for a happier marriage unless things change is just that....something from a fairy tale I'm afraid.

 

VERY BEST WISHES WITH THIS ONE, LISTEN TO YOUR HEART and share your troubles with those who may give you face to face professional consolation and consultation(you might need it if you end up with nothing!!!), I think it will help you a lot if you can release so much of the emotions you have caught up in this man.

 

it isn't too much help for you in that sense, but it comes with hope for you that things may change, and the honesty from my feelings...and that that is what you need right now; honesty you need to release your own personal problems to someone who can offer you their experience and who can hopefully help you come to a more long term decision. Good luck, and I hope things are OK for you soon.maxi.

Edited January 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Formatting, what a mess, please don't post from cut and paste

[ClearerSkies]

Thank you all for responding! It's nice to not feel so alone in this.

 

To answer some questions, my husband and I are both 38 and have been married only a little over 2 years, together about 5 years. When we met, I was living in an apartment and he already had this house, I was thrilled to move into a home and didn't think twice about it. He had suggested we join bank accounts pretty quickly, but it wasn't out of no where. My bank was not a great one, and when I went in to dispute fraudulent charges on my account (someone in another country purchasing things, the bank didn't even red flag it, close my account or call me) they refused to help me and insisted I had to pay it all. My husband, then boyfriend, was amazing in helping me with this. He went back to them with me, argued my facts to them, and ended up telling them to just close my account and paid off the debt himself. When he asked me if I wanted to be on his bank account, I didn't hesitate to say sure. I was excited that he seemed so sure about 'us', so open to sharing things with me and fighting my battles with me. Back to the questions... we don't have children and probably never will (a mutual choice).

 

Samaraa, I took your advice and found a way to express that I don't have to be here. I pointed out that we don't have to be in this and told him that he seems so happy to just sit and fester in our problems. That this is no way to live and that I picture us happy again, reminding him of how it had been and painting a picture of how we are now. He listened. Thank you.

 

Jjgitties, you made two great points. The fear that things will go back to how they were is so real, especially when it's happened before. We have to find ways to break this pattern. Yesterday I expressed this to my husband, and how I didn't want to take the easy way out (just getting a self help book that he would show interest in for a week and then forget about), I want our norm to be a mild happy and not a roller coaster of super happy followed by super sad. You also wrote that I don't need his approval for a divorce. Reading that was so empowering for me. I don't need his approval. For a divorce, to purchase items (within reason and never in excess of course), to go to counseling... I am my own boss. I am a lion... err okay more like a small cat... but damn it, hear me roar.... politely lol.

 

D0nnivain, God knows I give my fair share of drama in the thick of it all and not fighting back is definitely something I can work on. Sometimes it's easy to forget that I'm not the only one upset in this, or the only one with valid reasons. I went on Amazon today and after reading reviews of The Care & Feeding of a Marriage, I've purchased it!

 

Maxi105, your post is the tough love of the bunch and I can't thank you enough for that. You are right in saying he has control. But starting yesterday, I'm slowly taking control of myself back. Fearing that my husband will be upset or disappointed with me if I don't fall into the line he has created... no, I allowed it as much as he pushed for it... stops. Last night I was watching funny videos on YouTube and came across a comedy channel. While bingeing his videos, one titled Dealing with a Narcissist by AwakenWithJP came up. Surprised that it wasn't like his others (not funny, but rather serious), I watched. It hit home pretty hard and gave me a much needed refresher on how I was seeing things. While I don't see my husband as a Narcissist, I do feel I put myself in a victim category sometimes. That has to stop. You also said to listen to my heart. That can be such a powerful statement and it's great advice. My heart is telling me to fight for what I believe in and not to give up on something that is so dear to me.

 

When things aren't as we want them to be, we tend to focus on the bad as humans. We remind ourselves, and push hard sometimes, to focus on the good. At least this is what I've perceived in myself and those around me. It's so easy to get caught up in the negative. My posting here is focused on that negative because I am seeking help and support to assist in make it better. This negative is only a small glimpse of my relationship with my husband and leaves out the many things that makes him amazing to me or what he finds amazing about me. Our bond is strong, and even though I am portraying and painting the picture of his stubbornness and my frustration in him, this isn't the complete portrait. I hope to find a place of comfort and acceptance here, a place where I make friends to laugh and cry with, to lean on each other through the tough times and smile together through the good, to get a dose of that tough love and to help others where I can too. Thank you guys for walking a bit of my journey with me, it is much needed and appreciated.

[maxi105]

dear clearer skies, I wish you well with all of this, you have the picture that we don't see and know nothing of. but just remember, it is not healthy to give yourself over to anyone male or female for everything that makes you happy or feel or think; its about 2 people and that has to be the case otherwise it will break...

 

but your passion comes through on a massive scale and whatever happens you cannot say you didn't give in 100%, I just hope you see that you cant keep giving people the benefit of the doubt unconditionally. there are real habits to break in your tale and its going to take some time; but if you do stand up for yourself be safe for yourself in that: love is a passionate thing that can at awfully best turn to obsession and possession, at worse....well it isn't something to go into, but those people that turn on their partners also claim to "love them".

 

I am glad if a new year can bring you a fresh strength, and I hope your partner realises exactly what a strong person he has and what you are worth, if he doesn't or can't - he is not really worthy of your love. but I know that isn't going to stop you loving him so much....

 

very very best of luck, the best thing I can say to you is as you progress, give yourself some rough but realistic element of time and think of the time in terms of change and also if after that time has expired and things are not working for your where you need it to do so from him...FOLLOW YOUR HEART,

 

it is telling you something; and its not always an easy tune to listen to if the changes it warns of go deeper than what we have come to know as the right way.

 

I'm cautious but am really happy for your progress and fresh exciting stance on this matter, and wish you the very very best. thanks for taking the trouble to get back to everyone, it sounds a bit sappy; but its always worth answering a post where you can almost feel what is being reached out to ask and if you can help in any way then sure that's a nice thing too.

 

so now the skies are a little clearer for you!!!!! make 2018 your year.and I mean your as in you and hopefully when you give more to yourself you can ask for more!!!! but don't be a fool or a martyr to this if things don't change by the summer/fall on some of the points you raise because its easy to go along with things and then find yourself back where you started...but I wanna end on a good note with you, so keep true to your colours and fight for your life - but realise also, if the fight isn't one that you can ever really win, then maybe its time to use that strength for someone who you don't have to dance around to feel what love really means to you.

 

GOOD LUCK...go be that lioness haha...ggrrrrr...... maxi

Edited January 7, 2018 by maxi105

[Els]

To answer some questions, my husband and I are both 38 and have been married only a little over 2 years, together about 5 years. When we met, I was living in an apartment and he already had this house, I was thrilled to move into a home and didn't think twice about it. He had suggested we join bank accounts pretty quickly, but it wasn't out of no where. My bank was not a great one, and when I went in to dispute fraudulent charges on my account (someone in another country purchasing things, the bank didn't even red flag it, close my account or call me) they refused to help me and insisted I had to pay it all. My husband, then boyfriend, was amazing in helping me with this. He went back to them with me, argued my facts to them, and ended up telling them to just close my account and paid off the debt himself. When he asked me if I wanted to be on his bank account, I didn't hesitate to say sure. I was excited that he seemed so sure about 'us', so open to sharing things with me and fighting my battles with me. Back to the questions... we don't have children and probably never will (a mutual choice).

 

Sorry, I'm a little confused. Here you say he asked you to be on his bank account, but in your opening post you say you aren't. What happened? Also, if you have no children, why do you have zero income of your own? Do you have a disability and are not entitled to payments because of your marital status, or something like that?

 

I mean, I'm not defending him. He sounds incredibly uncaring and controlling, almost dangerously so. However, I do question why you are enabling him by continuing to be dependent on him. You somehow got to a state where his name is on everything and yours is on nothing, and you are completely dependent on money from him for every little thing you need. How did that happen?

[ClearerSkies]

Elswyth, my name is not on his bank account as a joint account, but under his name, as someone able to use the account. I feel it should be joint, as most married couples have. I also have income that flows into this account per my part time job. However, due to making much less than he does and not having a debit or credit card of my own, I have to run every purchase by him (something we are working on changing together). My check is direct deposit and I'm okay with that, I just want equal access to an equal account. I hope that makes better sense. My husband is not uncaring, but I do agree that I have enabled his need for control. Which is why in my last post I have addressed that I realize my victim state and that I need to do things to change it. I am a victim because I easily allowed myself to be in that position, not because he has forced me there. My husband and I had a good chat that included this yesterday. He gave me insight as to why he felt the need for control, he expressed fear in letting it go and gave me pretty valid reasons why this is hard for him. We are both aware this is not okay, and after our convo yesterday he is coming around to wanting to make a change. I hope this clears the air on some things. I in no way meant to cast my husband as a villain, as I don't feel he is one.

[d0nnivain]

Stop having your money flow into that account & get a debit card of you own. Didn't you have credit cards in your own name before marriage?

 

If he's recognizing that his need for control is undermining your marriage, in that spirit bring up the idea of MC. Talk about it as compromise that will make your marriage more fulfilling for you both.

 

I read another book early in my marriage when I was struggling to figure out how to function as part of a team. It was called Fighting for your Marriage. I don't remember the author. I bought it at a garage sale & have never been able to find it on line to recommend it to somebody else. I give books away when I finish them so I know longer have it.

 

If you can get him talking I think you can fix this. From your latest post it seems like a lot of his actions are born of fear.

 

Best wishes.

[Els]

Elswyth, my name is not on his bank account as a joint account, but under his name, as someone able to use the account. I feel it should be joint, as most married couples have. I also have income that flows into this account per my part time job.

 

Of course it should be joint, especially when you have income going into it! I'm a bit perplexed about how this arrangement came to be - did both of you truly see nothing wrong with it when it was made?

 

However, due to making much less than he does and not having a debit or credit card of my own, I have to run every purchase by him (something we are working on changing together). My check is direct deposit and I'm okay with that, I just want equal access to an equal account. I hope that makes better sense. My husband is not uncaring, but I do agree that I have enabled his need for control. Which is why in my last post I have addressed that I realize my victim state and that I need to do things to change it. I am a victim because I easily allowed myself to be in that position, not because he has forced me there. My husband and I had a good chat that included this yesterday. He gave me insight as to why he felt the need for control, he expressed fear in letting it go and gave me pretty valid reasons why this is hard for him. We are both aware this is not okay, and after our convo yesterday he is coming around to wanting to make a change. I hope this clears the air on some things. I in no way meant to cast my husband as a villain, as I don't feel he is one.

 

I am glad both of you are planning to make changes together. However, I would strongly caution you that while words are good, ACTIONS are what is essential. If he takes the necessary actions and makes you a joint owner of the account with equal access to it, great. But if he doesn't take steps over the next month to make you a more equal partner, I would strongly recommend opening a new personal account, having your paycheck go in there and getting a debit card that is linked to that. Don't let him postpone ths change.