Girlfriends panics over travelling/moving

[Sadaka]

Me and my girlfriend live 2 hours from each other by train, costing ~$60 per trip. We see each other most weekends and holidays and such.

 

We're both around 30 years old and we've been a couple for little more than a year, always been 2 hours apart. We both work full-time jobs monday-friday.

 

The problem is, she's easily stressed. She gets stressed being away from home for too long and having to travel.

So, we get on very well and everything, except she pretty often gets super depressed over having to travel and not being able to meet more often, she can go from being extremely nice, loving and happy one day to being depressed over the situation and thinking it's better to just end it so she doesn't have to deal with it being such a pain, even though she admits, afterwards, that's not what she wants. But every time this happens we have to kind of restart a bit to get the relationship stable again.

 

Solution then would be to move in together, but she panics at that thought(even when she herself brings it up) cause she doesn't know how we'd get along living together, since we never really see each other for more than a week. This causes her to go into the same mode as described above.

 

I'm not used to these situations, i love this girl and dont want to break up with her.

 

Would be very thankful for suggestions on how improve the situation!

[basil67]

Wow, difficult situation. Honestly, I think she needs therapy. Or a psychologist. Someone who can work through her concerns and help give strategies to deal with stress.

 

I've got to be honest though, someone who can't cope with change isn't a good option for a life partner.

[Chilli]

Yeah dunno much about therapy but it does sound like it might not be a bad idea for her.

 

On the moving thing , what if you just go up and spend the week there first to be together more.

lf that goes well maybe she gets better about it.

[Sadaka]

Yeah dunno much about therapy but it does sound like it might not be a bad idea for her.

 

On the moving thing , what if you just go up and spend the week there first to be together more.

lf that goes well maybe she gets better about it.

 

We actually tried something like that over the christmas break just now. She spent a week here, it was great at first but then she paniced over it feeling like we had to decide if we should move in together or not afterwards. No idea what to do here.

[BaileyB]

We actually tried something like that over the christmas break just now. She spent a week here, it was great at first but then she paniced over it feeling like we had to decide if we should move in together or not afterwards. No idea what to do here.

 

As someone who is in a similar position, living separately and going back and forth between homes while considering the idea of moving in... I can understand her anxiety. It is hard to go back and forth between homes - it is exhausting and it feels like there is never enough time together. The decision to move in together is exciting, but also a little scary... It's a big risk, particularly for the person who is selling their home, giving up their job, and moving into the home of their partner. And, the relationship will definitely change when you move in together - hopefully you have spent enough time together that you are both comfortable that it will be for the better.

 

Although I understand the anxiety she is feeling, I would say that her reaction is a bit extreme. Which is why I agree, it would be good for her to talk with a counsellor. Perhaps, this person could help her to be sure of her decision and develop some coping strategies for her anxiety.

 

Good luck!

[Chilli]

If she's the one doing the moving yeah , it's a huge thing .

Mine was in another country .

lt's hard because you can't give her any guarantees either, no one knows really how it's gonna go.

 

l do feel for her with just that one week and the pressure , we went through a lot of that. lt would be better if you can get more time or a few stays like that , no pressure if she feels that way..

lt is a big thing though, a lot of people don't do well being away from their own environment , add moving in together and who knows how it will go.

 

Could you move up to her instead. ?

 

We couldn't work ours out , there were other things to though but once we toyed with me moving there instead and suddenly she was as good as gold on all that and loved the idea.

 

My brother wanted to move interstate but he's gf wouldn't . So he married her and after that she moved up there with him. They've been there 30yrs now.

[O'Malley]

Have you two ever sat down and had a heart to heart about which city/are you both would prefer to live in? Impact to finances, career and family relationships? Draw out a plan and see if both of you can come to an agreement on it. The uncertainties would cause a lot of stress.

 

Can either of you afford to rent your own place, instead of immediately moving in together? That would give whoever moves time to adjust to their new city and career, while not placing the additional stress on your relationship suddenly transitioning into cohabitation. With the anxiety and stress that she's feeling, she's not in a good head space to be the one to initiate a relocation.

[justwhoiam]

Maybe she just needs some reassurance: that everything will be fine, that you are willing to do what it takes to make things work, that you can work out things at her own pace. Make her feel comfortable. When she was at your place, she was at someone else's place, which is not like being home. You might think it's stupid, but even seeing something you don't like, you have no say in anything, like moving furniture, or changing the curtains. Her home is where she feels comfortable.

 

At times, it can take so little to make things better.