Has the "No Contact" thing actually worked for anyone? Especially if you have Kids?

[lmf]

Hi guys, please excuse the length, it's my first time posting and I just really could use some advice because I'm fresh out of friends and supportive people in my life.

 

My ex broke up with me 5 months ago. We were high school sweethearts, together for 9 years. Madly and happily in love for years. Our first baby came along in 2013, followed by our second in 2016. After our kids came along I became a stay at home mum totally involved with them and he got a couple of promotions and became totally involved with his work and we kinda lost our identities and connection as a couple just fell out of love without realising it.

 

A couple of months before our break up he went away for work for 2 weeks and during that time we missed each other so much we both (if anything, more him than I) realised how badly we wanted to be together and really tried hard for a good month to make everything perfect again and it was for a while but eventually we slipped back into the pattern and the rut. He said he realised that he was developing feelings for a coworker and left our family to "find himself" and pursue a "friendship/potential relationship" with her. Saying that neither of us was really happy anymore and we shouldn't settle for less than happy the sake of it.

 

I was actually surprised at how devastated I was. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. I didn't realise what I had until it was gone and we were over. I really took him and our relationship and our wonderful life for granted and pushed him further and further away by picking stupid little fights until he had enough and looked for praise and validation somewhere else. It was innocent enough until it wasn't anymore.

 

I stupidly begged and pleaded and totally degraded myself for the first few weeks trying to get him back.

Now, I am in no way trying to take the blame for everything. We both messed up. He has done some ****ty things over the past few months, so have I, I'm merely acknowledging and owning the part I played in our issues and eventual break up.

The thing with that girl was pretty intense for a couple of months, they were seeing each other daily and speaking constantly. He was telling me to prepare myself for the fact that they would likely be in a relationship within a month or so. He swears black and blue he never cheated on me when we were together, nor was their relationship physical after he left me. According to him they were best friends that we're trying to figure out their feelings for each other and see where those feelings took them.

 

Then about a month ago he sat me down for a talk and said his feelings for her weren't as strong as he thought and that the attraction was basically gone. He loves me and he wants to figure out what our future holds but we need to both continue to become happy in ourselves and be responsible for our own happiness for now. He said that the conversation about our future would come soon, once things have settled down after the christmas/new years/back to work period and we're in a good, stable place.

 

Now, since the break up, I've been getting my **** together. I've lost 26kg, I have started dressing better and wearing make up and generally taking better care of my appearance, not for him but for myself (but the compliments from him definitely feel nice). I've been looking into returning to study, making new friends. I've been on a few dates and slept with a few new people, honestly mostly to make myself feel sexy again or make him jealous, not because i'm interested in new people. (And those dates we're extremely casual, i'm not leading anyone on or anything.)

 

Lately, wee have been getting closer and closer. To the point where we spend a great deal of time together both with our children as a family and alone. He doesn't have our children by himself yet, only sees them in my home. He comes over 3-4 nights a week to see them and once they're asleep he hangs out with me for a few hours. We actually go on unofficial "dates" (dinner, movies, long drives etc.). We still sleep together every few weeks and he has slept over 3 or 4 times in the last couple of weeks. He asked me to stay with him and comfort him while he was in hospital with kidney stones last week, then slept at my house when he was discharged. He is very affectionate still, holding my hand, hugging, kissing, saying I love you. It's almost like we never broke up except that at the end of the night he leaves and goes to his friends house where he is living now, and if people ask we both say we have separated.

 

We have had some small talks about our relationship and basically he knows that I want him to come home to us, and his position is that he wants things to stay this way for the foreseeable future. He apparently has no intentions of dating anyone else. But he is confused and doesn't know what the future holds but he doesn't want to come back until and unless things are great with us. He doesn't want to be in the same situation a few months down the track where we have gotten into a rut and forgotten to care about each other and ourselves. He loves me, he loves our children, he wants us all to be happy but he doesn't know what that happiness looks like yet.

 

To me this is not a case of getting back together and picking up where we left off, our old relationship is gone, rather a chance at a brand new relationship. With new attitudes and a new lease on life and new appreciation for one another. A chance to show our 2 children what a loving and respectful relationship means. He agrees and understands but is not ready to take that leap of faith.

 

We still argue a bit about the same stupid things we argued about while we were together. But I think we both understand that there is more at risk now. We are much more considerate of the other now. He always checks up later to make sure I'm okay and apologise for his part in our argument. He says things like "I'm not giving up on us. We just need to keep at this." "I love you and this is important to me." etc.

I can't help but have hope but deep down I know that what we're doing is really only delaying the inevitable and it's unlikely we'll get back together this way but because we're not in a normal break up situation I'm worried that trying those no contact rules is going to damage the progress we've made over the past few months, and create some irreparable space. I'm worried I'll lose him for good through no contact (or minimal contact, since we share children.)

 

Do I let things continue along the path we've been going down and keep hoping or should I take the risk of no contact?

How do I even begin to take that step? And how do I stick at it for the 30 days or so when he initiates most of our interactions (texting, calling, asking me out etc.) and of course I respond because all I want in the world is to spend quality time with him?

Has anyone had any luck in no contact situations when the ex is on the fence about what he wants?

What would you do in my shoes?

 

Thanks for letting me vent

Lisa

Edited January 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Mr.Me]

NC is just avoidance technique to me. NC doesn't work for me because I think it's kinda nice to know how someone else is doing considering the physical and emotional closeness once shared. Sometimes it hurts a little bit though and sometimes it's reassurance.

 

That sucks he seems to have chosen his path. Perhaps he was looking for something new and exciting with someone else. What he doesn't seem to know is new and exciting would have have even more new and exciting had he put effort in you and the kids. Someday he'll likely realize he screwed up.

[basil67]

No Contact is not the answer here. For starters, you've got kids so you need to have contact.

 

What I would suggest instead is to give him the boundaries he should have as your estranged husband: No hanging out together. If he wants the kids, he should take them to his place. If he doesn't have a place, then he needs to sort it. Definitely no sex. No flirting. No emotional sharing.

 

Basically, treat each other with respect but remove all the cushy benefits he's getting. If he wants those benefits back, he needs to return to you as a husband.

[d0nnivain]

You never get the luxury of NC when you have kids together. You will always have to work together to do what is in the best interests of the kids.

 

If you are making changes & he see those changes -- like losing weight -- keep up the good work. At some point perhaps suggest MC. Reconciliation only happens through communication. When you stop talking it's really over because somebody just doesn't care anymore. Apathy, not hate, is the opposite of love.

[Marc878]

At least cut off the cake eating or his behavior will not change.

 

Why should he? Right now he's getting the best of both worlds.