Saw my ex on CMB and wishing she would come back

[TheBathWater]

I came across my ex on the app Coffee Meets Bagel. We split six months ago. I had to do a double-take before I knew it was her.

 

I had mixed feelings looking at her profile...

 

Part of me felt hopeful. Who she described she was looking for was exactly like me and things that were unique to our relationship that she didn't look for/like before. This made me feel like I made a positive lasting impact on her, and that she just needs to see for herself that she will not find another man like me.

 

Part of me felt sad. I knew that if she really wanted to be in contact with me that she would. She would not be looking for someone else, but she is, even if the description of who and what she is looking for matches me and the relationship we shared.

 

Part of me felt guilty. I thought about all of the things I did wrong in the relationship and blamed myself for it not working out. I felt like I didn't do a good enough job of seeing just how much she really loved me, confirmed by seeing how she is looking for someone much like me.

 

Part of me felt happy. I was happy to see that she was opening her heart back up again to love, and found myself routing for her, wanting good things for her, wanting her to find the one. I just wish it were me.

 

But here's my biggest concern...

 

It has been six months and I still think about this woman every day to some degree. Some days are easier than others. But in my 30+ years alive, and of the many women I've known and been involved with, I've never felt so certain that this was the one. I am genuinely worried that I will never feel again with a woman the things I felt with this one. I have gone on many dates since, hooked up with a few of them, and generally put myself out there... but it's not doing anything for me so far.

 

I had crazy thoughts about reaching out to her, but I just know that's not the way to go. This isn't a Hollywood movie. If she wanted me, she would reach out, right?

 

Can anyone relate to this, and how would you suggest I keep hope alive that I'll find someone I feel as much love for one day? I am hanging in there, but man, I really can't shake the feeling that this was the one.

 

By the way, I clicked 'Like' on her profile, so I'm sure I'll show up in her matches at some point over the next few days. I don't know how much good that really does for me, but part of me hopes she'll see that and 'Like' me back and we can get back in touch.

Edited January 7, 2018 by TunaInTheBrine

[SevenCity]

Ugh that sucks.

 

You seem to be handling this very healthy with the different emotions you described. But you're right - if she wanted to be in touch with you she would. Take it from someone who did reach out to his ex - it gets you nowhere.

 

Again like you I have never met someone with whom I connected on such a deep level. The harsh reality is you may never again. You don't know.

 

But I can tell you this, while you are interested in getting back you won't find someone else. The universe has a funny way of giving us things when we are ready.

 

I hope it works out though.

[TheBathWater]

Ugh that sucks.

 

You seem to be handling this very healthy with the different emotions you described. But you're right - if she wanted to be in touch with you she would. Take it from someone who did reach out to his ex - it gets you nowhere.

 

Again like you I have never met someone with whom I connected on such a deep level. The harsh reality is you may never again. You don't know.

 

But I can tell you this, while you are interested in getting back you won't find someone else. The universe has a funny way of giving us things when we are ready.

 

I hope it works out though.

 

If what we had was real, and she is really looking for someone like me, do you think she will ever come back? I feel like a total loser for thinking this way, but part of me is just thinking "she needs to go see that she can't recreate what we had with someone else or find me in another man. Once she realizes that, she'll come back." But I also know this is definitional of denial, huh?

 

Thanks for the props. Yeah, it does suck really bad, but I am thinking as healthy and as mature about it as I can get myself to.

 

I always imagined marrying this woman, having children with her, seeing that look in her eyes every morning in bed (she had the sweetest eyes and expression), and dying with her at my bedside holding my hand. I really saw all of those things. It's so sad.

 

And yes, at this point in my mid-30s, I have never felt that way about someone before and can't imagine it happening again anytime soon, if ever. Totally sucks!

 

And by the way, how long have you been split from your ex? Are you dating, hooking up, having relationships with other women, etc...? How's that been going for you?

Edited January 8, 2018 by TunaInTheBrine

[Bromeo]

If what we had was real, and she is really looking for someone like me, do you think she will ever come back? I feel like a total loser for thinking this way, but part of me is just thinking "she needs to go see that she can't recreate what we had with someone else or find me in another man. Once she realizes that, she'll come back." But I also know this is definitional of denial, huh?

 

Thanks for the props. Yeah, it does suck really bad, but I am thinking as healthy and as mature about it as I can get myself to.

 

I always imagined marrying this woman, having children with her, seeing that look in her eyes every morning in bed (she had the sweetest eyes and expression), and dying with her at my bedside holding my hand. I really saw all of those things. It's so sad.

 

And yes, at this point in my mid-30s, I have never felt that way about someone before and can't imagine it happening again anytime soon, if ever. Totally sucks!

 

And by the way, how long have you been split from your ex? Are you dating, hooking up, having relationships with other women, etc...? How's that been going for you?

 

Sir, I’m in my late 30s as well, and can identify with your situation.

 

I am 1.5 years broken up with, and 1 year solid nc from the ex that brought me to ls. I have hooked up with, met, and dated some amazing women since that time.

 

I have not, however found the attraction and chemistry that I had with the aforementioned ex. I found the subsequent relationships to be deeply unsatisfying, but I did realize the issue was me and not them.

 

Letting go, moving on, and acceptance all take time. In the past year I have grown immensely personally, financially, and professionally, and I would invite you to do the same. As a previous poster stated, you must resign yourself that you may never feel that attraction again, but when you are focused on being centered and making yourself happy, it will matter less.

 

My breakup crushed my self-esteem and respect, which took a very long time to rebuild. I take responsibility for my own role in that, by not listening to my friends and the community here, I extended my own suffering immensely. Don’t be me.

 

A more me-focused attitude will not care that your ex is actively dating. Even if she did return to you, would you want to be her back up or reserve because she couldn’t find someone better? As the attachment fades, clarity will step in.

 

And clearly she hasn’t met anyone of substance, because my experience on cmb was lacking at best.

 

And it’s hard, but don’t like her pics, or stalk her social media. It will hurt for a long time if you do. Block those.

 

Be safe, there are some solid, caring people here.

[TheBathWater]

Sir, I’m in my late 30s as well, and can identify with your situation.

 

I am 1.5 years broken up with, and 1 year solid nc from the ex that brought me to ls. I have hooked up with, met, and dated some amazing women since that time.

 

I have not, however found the attraction and chemistry that I had with the aforementioned ex. I found the subsequent relationships to be deeply unsatisfying, but I did realize the issue was me and not them.

 

Letting go, moving on, and acceptance all take time. In the past year I have grown immensely personally, financially, and professionally, and I would invite you to do the same. As a previous poster stated, you must resign yourself that you may never feel that attraction again, but when you are focused on being centered and making yourself happy, it will matter less.

 

My breakup crushed my self-esteem and respect, which took a very long time to rebuild. I take responsibility for my own role in that, by not listening to my friends and the community here, I extended my own suffering immensely. Don’t be me.

 

A more me-focused attitude will not care that your ex is actively dating. Even if she did return to you, would you want to be her back up or reserve because she couldn’t find someone better? As the attachment fades, clarity will step in.

 

And clearly she hasn’t met anyone of substance, because my experience on cmb was lacking at best.

 

And it’s hard, but don’t like her pics, or stalk her social media. It will hurt for a long time if you do. Block those.

 

Be safe, there are some solid, caring people here.

 

Hey Bromeo, thanks for the response (and cool alias, btw).

 

Yeah, what you described pretty much sums up what I'm feeling. I just started seeing someone who is a "healthy" match recently, but I just can't imagine falling in love with her or anyone else while my ex is still lodged in my heart. Your situation is EXACTLY the one I fear getting into - getting into an LTR and still feeling like it doesn't hold up to the ex... or worse, getting married and having kids with someone and still having that feeling. I don't think I could ever follow through with marriage and kids if I feel like this, and I'm scared I will.

 

I have been focusing more on myself though. I am actually opening a second business this year, have been practicing mostly good self-care, and joined a couple of recreational teams in my city. So, I'm definitely putting in the work. That's on top of therapy, gym, etc... And I've dated and hooked up with a decent number of women, so I'm doing everything I can, man.

 

One point you made that I really agree with is what you said about being her backup plan. That's not something I want to be. I'd be lying if I said I would turn her away if she showed up, but I would be wise and take my time to see what she has been doing with herself in the time apart. I wouldn't rush in.

 

In any case, I either hope she comes back (I know, unlikely) or hope that another relationship can give me the same feelings or better that I had with her (though I fear this is more unlikely). Basically, I'm scared that neither will happen, and that my heart will live in purgatory until I'm dead.

Edited January 8, 2018 by TunaInTheBrine

[central]

If what we had was real, and she is really looking for someone like me, do you think she will ever come back?

 

I think it is possible, but unlikely. How badly do you want her back? If you really do, then reach out to her, and see if/how she replies. It may provide closure if she does not respond or is negative, allowing you to move on. On the other hand, even if you get back together, do you think things have changed enough that it could work this time?

 

 

I am only responding because I know an ex can come back, although the situation is somewhat different. I had a very close friend who was also long term FWB. She got in a relationship nearly 3 years ago (her bf didn't like her having male friends), but that recently failed - she got in touch with me last week. We'll see each other soon. I don't know what will develop, but I do expect that the friendship part of our relationship will resume. I have missed her, but have also moved on, so I will be good with whatever happens.

[TheBathWater]

I think it is possible, but unlikely. How badly do you want her back? If you really do, then reach out to her, and see if/how she replies. It may provide closure if she does not respond or is negative, allowing you to move on. On the other hand, even if you get back together, do you think things have changed enough that it could work this time?

 

 

I am only responding because I know an ex can come back, although the situation is somewhat different. I had a very close friend who was also long term FWB. She got in a relationship nearly 3 years ago (her bf didn't like her having male friends), but that recently failed - she got in touch with me last week. We'll see each other soon. I don't know what will develop, but I do expect that the friendship part of our relationship will resume. I have missed her, but have also moved on, so I will be good with whatever happens.

 

Fascinating. I always feel amazed when I hear stories about exes reaching out after YEARS apart. I guess the two of you were never really official, and so maybe it was just resume as a FWB or friendship thing, which sounds like you'd be cool with. But there are definitely cases where I hear of LTR exes getting back together after years apart. Makes you wonder about all the growth and reflection that must have transpired in between.

 

Regarding your question about how badly do I want her back, I guess my answer is that I'm not sure I want back in my life how things were when we last ended. I want HER back, not the relationship we had, but I want a NEW relationship with HER.

 

She had a lot of issues to work through, and I know she's been in therapy for a while, so I assume she's made some progress. Whether or not we could have a relationship I think would depend on how much we're BOTH wanting and willing. I know I've always been; I'm just not sure where she's at. But she must be not wanting me back if she's online, right?

 

I've definitely thought about reaching out somehow like you suggested, but I don't know. We both said some really hurtful things to each other toward the end. It was rough. But we both often said how we always felt love was there between us, even in the rough moments. That's got to be worth something too.

 

I'm being cautious to not take any immediate action and at least sit on it for a few. But man, what to do what to do...

[elaine567]

I think you are romanticising this whole relationship.

If I remember correctly, she was not some lovely sweet thing, she spent quite a while cheating on her fiancé with you and when she eventually dumped him she took the time to dump you too.

 

It may have been the romance of the century for you but I guess not for her.

 

I am not trying to bash or hurt you here, but you do need to knock her off that pedestal you have placed her on.

[TheBathWater]

I think you are romanticising this whole relationship.

If I remember correctly, she was not some lovely sweet thing, she spent quite a while cheating on her fiancé with you and when she eventually dumped him she took the time to dump you too.

 

It may have been the romance of the century for you but I guess not for her.

 

I am not trying to bash or hurt you here, but you do need to knock her off that pedestal you have placed her on.

 

I know she's been in therapy for six months. What if she's changed and in a better place? What if it'd be better to get rejected than to wonder what if?

[maybejune]

Have you let her know that you still want to be with her?

 

She may or may not know you want her back. Yes, some women like myself would go and tell my ex bf that I want him back, but most of the time, women are told NOT GO BACK TO HIM, because women like me will end with silent rejection from our ex or ex may play with our emotions. So if they weight the outcome, they may not be brave enough to reach out to you.

 

I wish the time I reached out to him, he would talk to me again -- now I know, it's just me wanting to know if we still have chance to work things out, I don't want to wait decades and then I meet him and we find out we both wanted to get back but no one spoke out.

[Marc878]

If she dumped you and doesn’t come back you have zero chance.

 

Stay NC

[Origin]

I know she's been in therapy for six months. What if she's changed and in a better place? What if it'd be better to get rejected than to wonder what if?

 

This was my biggest problem at the beginning. It’s always “what if”, and always thinking about change.

 

But what if that change never comes?? I’m sorry man but girls like your ex...they can’t be helped because they themselves have no clue who they are or what they want. They think they do but they are quick to blow it up and don’t appreciate what they have.

[TheBathWater]

I did end up writing her a letter and left it in her mailbox, and texted her afterward to let her know I left something there for her. It's been six days, and so far I haven't heard anything.

 

I wound up re-evaluating my motives for reaching out before I decided to do so, and I ultimately decided that I couldn't come from a place of wanting her back. Instead, I decided to come from a place of offering forgiveness, peace, gratitude, and closure. I basically apologized for any hurtful things I said, told her I've had to work on letting go of the anger I felt for her leaving me, thanked her for what we shared, and said I hoped we could be friends and wish good things for each other. I mentioned nothing about getting back together or meeting up. This felt right to me, and like an exercise for myself in letting go of whatever resentment I had for her deciding not to see me any longer.

 

There is still a part of me that is open to being with her, if we reconnected and somehow things developed in that direction. But however I move forward from here will depend on how she responds, if she even responds at all (and it's not looking like she's going to). The ball is in her court.

 

To anyone who is considering writing a letter to their ex, I'd encourage you to be aware of your motives, be prepared for any (or no) response from them, and carefully consider the pros and cons of your action. In my case, I chose what genuinely felt like a no-fail approach. Although I am sad to not hear anything back, I do accept it, and still feel good about my choice.

Edited January 14, 2018 by TunaInTheBrine

[Popsicle]

I’m sure she wants a fresh start and doesn’t want to deal with all that baggage.

 

I hope she’s fully single now and not engaged or living with that dude still. If she is then she has not changed. She’s just looking for fresh meat.

[TheBathWater]

I’m sure she wants a fresh start and doesn’t want to deal with all that baggage.

 

I hope she’s fully single now and not engaged or living with that dude still. If she is then she has not changed. She’s just looking for fresh meat.

 

Yes, she's fully single. Probably playing the field though. That's fine. I still would've appreciated some kind of response. But I can deal.

[Popsicle]

Yes, she's fully single. Probably playing the field though. That's fine. I still would've appreciated some kind of response. But I can deal.

 

Are you SURE she's fully single or is that your wishful thinking talking?

 

And what would she have said to you if she wanted a fresh start with someone new? Words sometimes just make things worse. No response is still a response.

[TheBathWater]

Are you SURE she's fully single or is that your wishful thinking talking?

 

And what would she have said to you if she wanted a fresh start with someone new? Words sometimes just make things worse. No response is still a response.

 

Yes, I'm sure.

 

I don't know what she should or could say; whatever she wants, I guess. Ideally, at least a mutual apology and offering of peace.

 

She probably does want a fresh start with someone new, and doesn't even want to open the door for an exchange with me. Like you said, no response is still a response.

 

No matter what though, I feel this was good for me. I'm glad I did it.

[Popsicle]

I hope you stop going after bad girls.