How to survive his divorce

[Dreamwalker17]

Wise people of this board, please help me. Imsosaid, goodyblue, there were others who transitioned into real relationship.

 

At this point, I don't know if we're going to make it. I put a final end to our 2+ years old long affair a month before he came to me and said his marriage is ending. The affair itself was winding down for months already.

 

He is a mess, but I am not doing much better. I don't know what to do, we fight every day over pretty much everything.

I can't ask for space and leave him now, he asked for my love and support, but I need just as much love and support from him and he can't handle it, and I understand why.

I feel very insecure and unsafe, after all, he didn't leave her, she is the one who initiated the divorce. Things seems to be progressing, they are separating, settling finances, custody etc. But I am going crazy because I am afraid that yet again I will end up heartbroken.

 

I know he loves me. I love him too.

How to navigate through all this? How not to destroy love, and save and strengthen our relationship?

Please help me, because I am losing hope.

 

D.

Edited January 8, 2018 by Dreamwalker17

[S2B]

For your own good and the possibility of being with him after his divorce is final... don't see him at all until it's deemed final - as in completely finished!

 

It may not be what you want to hear - but I assure you this is the best way for you and for him in the long run.

 

He didn't initiate it - how can you not feel his #2 choice? He could easily get back with her before it's final - you need to stay out of his personal stuff until it's over.

 

He should also be encouraged to get professional counseling to work through his feelings about his marriage ending so he can move forward with his next relationship in a healthy mindset.

[carhill]

Leave things on a positive note. He's an adult male. He'll do fine on his own and doing so proves his value as a relationship partner, a man who can take responsibility for himself and move forward.

 

When the process is complete, and today that's easy to ascertain, then the door can be open to a new and fresh relationship potential. In the meantime, wind down your own emotional attachment, get healthy and fresh, even date other people if the mood strikes and enjoy life.

 

If you're fighting every day, that's a canary that it's time to step back. It's not healthy. It's no different than with anyone else. He just happens to be married. MM's and MW's, especially the experienced ones, manipulate people like it's breathing. They often don't even realize they're doing it. Don't fall for that. Sure, he might replace you. BTDT many times. They didn't care that much, did they? Eh, yup.

[Poppy47]

I really think this man wants a leaning post while he is going through his divorce. Don't be that. Let him step up. It is between him and his wife. It is not your divorce. Don't make it your problem. You don't need it.

 

After that is finalised, he will be a free bird and possibly fly away from you.

 

I would always feel a little cheated because he didn't choose me. Will you ever forget that?

 

Walk away and look after your own needs for a while. He isn't capable of supporting you now.

 

Let it all happen and then decide.

Poppy

[Origin]

Yeah be extremely careful. Since he didn’t “choose” you I’d be very cautious as most people end up with a 3rd partner out of nowhere. I don’t want you experiencing that if it’s not necessary.

 

I’ve never been in that situation so I can’t comment a whole lot but what others are posting seems the most logical choice IN THE LONG RUN. As they said, it may not be what you wanna hear now, but you need to stay away.

 

The thing that sucks is he asked you to be there for him so now you gotta make a choice....

[Dreamwalker17]

I really think this man wants a leaning post while he is going through his divorce. Don't be that. Let him step up. It is between him and his wife. It is not your divorce. Don't make it your problem. You don't need it.

 

After that is finalised, he will be a free bird and possibly fly away from you.

 

I would always feel a little cheated because he didn't choose me. Will you ever forget that?

 

Walk away and look after your own needs for a while. He isn't capable of supporting you now.

 

Let it all happen and then decide.

Poppy

 

No Poppy, I will never forget that and it will take me a long time to get over my anger and bitterness.

I read many times on this board about getting someone “by default” and never truly understood the meaning of it until it happened to me.

He is surprised I am acting insecure and jealous of his stxw now, he thinks it just doesn’t make sense. He is in love with me, and they are divorcing.

To me, it does because she is the one who made that decision. She can reverse it.

He is asking to trust him, he needs my love and patience.

And I am just afraid.

[S2B]

You knows you can't trust him - he's been cheating.

 

Does his wife know about you and the affair?

[Dreamwalker17]

Yeah be extremely careful. Since he didn’t “choose” you I’d be very cautious as most people end up with a 3rd partner out of nowhere. I don’t want you experiencing that if it’s not necessary.

 

I’ve never been in that situation so I can’t comment a whole lot but what others are posting seems the most logical choice IN THE LONG RUN. As they said, it may not be what you wanna hear now, but you need to stay away.

 

The thing that sucks is he asked you to be there for him so now you gotta make a choice....

 

I am trying to be cautious, because after such a long relationship I expected that things will finally start falling into places, instead they are going the opposite direction.

I can’t walk away from him, I can’t leave him when he needs me most.

He didn’t initiate the divorce per se but his wife said she is absolutely sure he is having an affair. Their marriage is over because of me, even if she didn’t have a proof (or didn’t reveal it to him).

 

But I need to figure out how to protect myself and save us.

[Dreamwalker17]

You knows you can't trust him - he's been cheating.

 

Does his wife know about you and the affair?

 

She was highly suspecting he is having an affair.

[S2B]

So he's still lying to her and he's still cheating?

 

Honey, how can you expect any relationship with a liar and a cheater to ever be healthy?

 

Just because he divorces her doesn't mean he ceases to lie and cheat!

 

Yes, protect yourself! If you won't end it for good then at least get off the rollercoaster u too his divorce is final.

 

Seriously, he's not a man worth waiting for - he didn't even initiate the divorce and he still not honest with her.

 

YOU get honest - call and tell her what's real! She deserves to know that she's not crazy!

[Arieswoman]

Dreamwalker,

This guy is using you.

 

He used you before to distract himself from the problems in his marriage (real or imagined) and he's using you again as a nice fluffy pillow when things get unpleasant.

 

How long do you want to be his shoulder to cry on?

 

Unless he addresses the factors in his character that caused him to cheat then he'll carry whatever issues he has into his next relationship.

 

Just remember, that just because he got married it doesn't mean he's capable of either commitment or intimacy, and you have first hand experience of that. You've already seen how he manages problems and intimacy.

 

You say that he "loves you" but what sort of love is based on lies and hurting someone else who he vowed to love, honour and cherish?

 

I would take a big step back, stop propping him up and let him sort the mess out. Then you'll see what exactly he's made of.

 

You might want to get some therapy yourself to determine how it was you allowed yourself to get involved in the first place.

 

Good luck - you'r going to need it

[Dreamwalker17]

You guys rock.

Solid advise as always.

I don’t know why I started losing it, I knew it all along.

 

Love, D.

[S2B]

So what's your plan now? What are you gonna do to change this?

[somanymistakes]

While on this forum you'll hear 'they never end up with you' and 'even if they do divorce they'll randomly date a third person', and these things do happen, if you visit divorce-based forums instead, in those you'll see most of the time that the leaver IS leaving to be with his/her AP.

 

Usually, though, when this happens, it's because the leaver initiated the divorce. And often the person being left doesn't even find out the AP exists until after the divorce process starts.

 

If she initiated the divorce then yeah, that's a bad sign in terms of him actually wanting to be with you. If he never chooses you actively, it's much more likely that he'll just use you for convenience and then toss you aside when he's ready to move on.

[wmacbride]

One thing i highly suggest you do is tell him that you need to see a relationship counselor together.

 

One thing you definitely know about him is that he is fine with cheating. I know, I know, all the excuses will come to your mind for his behavior,but really, those mean nothing.

 

He saw cheating on someone as acceptable, and would have kept on doing so if his wife hadn't clued in to what he was up to. That means that he, even if it makes him slightly uncomfortable, is okay with cheating on the person he is in a relationship with.

 

His wife didn't "make" him cheat, any more than you did. He's doing that all on his own.

 

Counseling can help the two of you figure out the real reasons behind his behavior so that he can learn better ways of acting. This can help to prevent you from being the next one left at home while he's seeing someone else.

 

I don't believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater", but I do believe that for someone who cheats to learn better ways of acting takes a lot of work, introspection and a willingness to accept responsibility for their choices and being able to see beyond the next five minutes. I would give the same advice to a betrayed spouse.

 

In the end, he is an adult and his divorce is something he will have to work through. You can support him, but don't let him drag you into the mess along with him, and don't let him use it as an excuse to treat you badly.

[BaileyB]

One thing i highly suggest you do is tell him that you need to see a relationship counselor together.

 

One thing you definitely know about him is that he is fine with cheating. I know, I know, all the excuses will come to your mind for his behavior,but really, those mean nothing.

 

He saw cheating on someone as acceptable, and would have kept on doing so if his wife hadn't clued in to what he was up to. That means that he, even if it makes him slightly uncomfortable, is okay with cheating on the person he is in a relationship with.

 

His wife didn't "make" him cheat, any more than you did. He's doing that all on his own.

 

Counseling can help the two of you figure out the real reasons behind his behavior so that he can learn better ways of acting. This can help to prevent you from being the next one left at home while he's seeing someone else.

 

I don't believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater", but I do believe that for someone who cheats to learn better ways of acting takes a lot of work, introspection and a willingness to accept responsibility for their choices and being able to see beyond the next five minutes. I would give the same advice to a betrayed spouse.

 

In the end, he is an adult and his divorce is something he will have to work through. You can support him, but don't let him drag you into the mess along with him, and don't let him use it as an excuse to treat you badly.

 

Good advice.

 

What were his "reasons" for cheating? Because, if cheating was his solution to deal with stress, conflict, problems in his marriage... Well, the divorce and the fact that he finds himself in another relationship with you is only going to increase his stress. If he doesn't have the coping strategies to deal with the stress, if avoidance and cheating is his coping strategy, then it could make your relationship very, very precarious...

[Arieswoman]

Dreamwalker 17,

In all the situations I have seen where the cheating spouse ended up with the OW was when the cheater was proactive. The made plans to leave with the OW, set a time-line and stuck to it.

 

They did this within 4/6 months of meeting the OW.

 

There was no drama, no shillyshallying about, they just did it. They went home one night, told the BS they were leaving, packed a case and left.

 

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you are the exception and it's the situation that's making him cheap - that's dangerous thinking and absolves him of responsibility for his own actions.

[Dreamwalker17]

One thing i highly suggest you do is tell him that you need to see a relationship counselor together.

 

One thing you definitely know about him is that he is fine with cheating. I know, I know, all the excuses will come to your mind for his behavior,but really, those mean nothing.

 

He saw cheating on someone as acceptable, and would have kept on doing so if his wife hadn't clued in to what he was up to. That means that he, even if it makes him slightly uncomfortable, is okay with cheating on the person he is in a relationship with.

 

His wife didn't "make" him cheat, any more than you did. He's doing that all on his own.

 

Counseling can help the two of you figure out the real reasons behind his behavior so that he can learn better ways of acting. This can help to prevent you from being the next one left at home while he's seeing someone else.

 

I don't believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater", but I do believe that for someone who cheats to learn better ways of acting takes a lot of work, introspection and a willingness to accept responsibility for their choices and being able to see beyond the next five minutes. I would give the same advice to a betrayed spouse.

 

In the end, he is an adult and his divorce is something he will have to work through. You can support him, but don't let him drag you into the mess along with him, and don't let him use it as an excuse to treat you badly.

 

He is starting therapy for himself soon, and I was going to suggest therapy for both of us because obviously an affair is a terrible way to start a relationship. I'm sure he'll be open to the idea, he understand this whole situation is unfair to me and he can't give me much right now.

 

He knows he fully contributed to the demise of his marriage and wants to figure out how to avoid doing the same to our relationship. All his reasons for staying were exactly the same you read on this forum - kids, status, money, extended families and friends admiring him, him wanting to be that great guy who provides and takes care of his family. And he was so openly in love with me the whole time, I've stopped being jealous of his wife long time ago (something he accuses me of now). He'd spent thousands and thousands on trips, presents, flowers for me. I've seen him crying and being devastated over our fights and break up many times over last two years.

 

Yet it took his wife putting an end to it. My heart breaks for her, I cannot imagine what she's been through, watching her husband being in love with another woman. It will take me a long time to come to terms with my own role in all this, I am not going to tell her anything. It's between them.

 

Thanks guys, great advise as always.

 

Love, D.

[Dreamwalker17]

Good advice.

 

What were his "reasons" for cheating? Because, if cheating was his solution to deal with stress, conflict, problems in his marriage... Well, the divorce and the fact that he finds himself in another relationship with you is only going to increase his stress. If he doesn't have the coping strategies to deal with the stress, if avoidance and cheating is his coping strategy, then it could make your relationship very, very precarious...

 

When we just started, he said his marriage was pretty much normal, with usual ups and down of long term relationship, but nothing that would justify an affair, and he never thought he'd become a cheater.

He said his reason was because he fell in love with me.

[Minnie09]

The fact that he didn’t choose you proactively would bother me tremendously.

Sure, he (says) he fell in love with you which contributed to his wife’s decision to initiate a D/separation, but does that count at all? If she hadn’t, how long would he be happily coasting along without actually doing anything about his situation, dragging you along? I can’t speak on your behalf, but what your current circumstances would do to me is make me feel like his wife is controlling my life, which I’m sure is a tiny bit exaggerated, but I’m a person with strong (sometimes black and white) emotions, and even IF we ended up together like this, i think the lingering resentment would eat me up. I wouldn’t be able to be happy and feel safe/loved/cherished/chosen in a R like that. YMMV.

 

I understand not everybody thinks/feels the same way, but I know myself well enough to know that if I were in your shoes, that’s exactly what would happen.

[Dreamwalker17]

The fact that he didn’t choose you proactively would bother me tremendously.

Sure, he (says) he fell in love with you which contributed to his wife’s decision to initiate a D/separation, but does that count at all? If she hadn’t, how long would he be happily coasting along without actually doing anything about his situation, dragging you along? I can’t speak on your behalf, but what your current circumstances would do to me is make me feel like his wife is controlling my life, which I’m sure is a tiny bit exaggerated, but I’m a person with strong (sometimes black and white) emotions, and even IF we ended up together like this, i think the lingering resentment would eat me up. I wouldn’t be able to be happy and feel safe/loved/cherished/chosen in a R like that. YMMV.

 

I understand not everybody thinks/feels the same way, but I know myself well enough to know that if I were in your shoes, that’s exactly what would happen.

 

I am glad you understand Minnie, because I do feel resentful of this. I told him exactly that, and he responded my life and a future is not controlled by her and not even by him.

And he is right. Feelings are feelings, and I need to own them and work through them.

But I am in control of the way my life goes regardless of what his wife or he does, and I need to focus on myself right now.

[Minnie09]

I am glad you understand Minnie, because I do feel resentful of this. I told him exactly that, and he responded my life and a future is not controlled by her and not even by him.

And he is right. Feelings are feelings, and I need to own them and work through them.

But I am in control of the way my life goes regardless of what his wife or he does, and I need to focus on myself right now.

 

What might help is a little distance. I know he asked you to be there for him as a sounding board/support system during these tough times. But: You don’t need to. Would he be ok with you stepping back and letting him deal with everything on his own? Maybe that way, if/when he comes back to you with some “results”, you’d feel more like you were “chosen”, because you decided for yourself to withdraw, and he would have to “come get you”. Just a thought.

[S2B]

I'd stop intermingling things until his divorce is final.

 

He needs counseling to figure out who he is on his own.

 

Just stay out of all of it.

[Arieswoman]

Dreamwalker17,

I should have added in post 17# that my own situation was different.

 

I am the BS and when I found out he was cheating I threw him out and named her in the divorce. After that she decided it was too much trouble and dumped him for her fiance who knew nothing about it.

 

I found out who the fiance was and told him. He promptly dumped her and she went running back to my ex who took her back.

 

For the next 4 years the r/ship was on/off and included one half-a$$ed attempt on his part to get back with me, which I rejected. She had a least one suicide attempt that I know about. During that time she watched my house on a couple of occasions - no doubt he was MIA and she was checking he wasn't at my place.

 

Finally she got pregnant and they got married.

 

Her problem was that she knew what he was capable of ;

playing hooky from work with her and getting his mates to lie if I rang up, (they worked together) taking her back to our place in the daytime when I was working 30 miles away, spending marital assets on w/e's in hotels with her under the guise of a workplace "course", spending our money buying her gifts (I worked and earned more money than he did).

 

All this was exciting and "naughty" when she was the OW.

 

Now she was the wife it was a whole different story...

 

So when she stopped working due to being pregnant she kept asking her mates at work to keep tabs on him, she moved her mother in with them so there was always someone in the house (to make sure he couldn't bring anyone back). She told her mates straight out that she didn't trust him.

 

The stress sent her blood pressure through the roof and the baby died in utero. She ended up with severe post natal depression and had to be hospitalised for several months.

 

They were still together 10 years ago and ended up with 2 kids but her mental health has suffered and she had a second episode of severe depression requiring hospitalisation, this time for 6 months.

 

10 years ago I moved out of the area so I have no idea what the situation is now

 

If you are not the "chosen one", these things rarely end well. I would seriously examine your relationship with this man and whether you really want to go down that road.....

[Dreamwalker17]

I'd stop intermingling things until his divorce is final.

 

He needs counseling to figure out who he is on his own.

 

Just stay out of all of it.

 

He is starting counseling in a week or two.