How to survive his divorce

[Dreamwalker17]

Try the tampon test, something I coined back in the days of meeting MW's for lunches and dinners and other similar interactions. Go with the flow, share some stuff about your non-relationship life and see how things progress. Is the dinner a sounding-board/complaint/whoa is me fest or is he stoic about the marriage/separation/divorce and focused on you, your and his interactions and the here and now at dinner? See how it goes. I did more than a few goodbyes at lunches and dinners after the tampon test, where I determined they were using me for a tampon not as a valued partner or even friend. Even the pros, and I've known a few, slip up. They can't help it. Their ego won't allow equity. It has to be about them. If this guy calmly lays out his plan, going to counseling with xxx next week, Wednesday at 1pm, then meeting with his lawyer to get the divorce filing fleshed out on Thursday at 10am, bla, bla, then moves on to you and what's going on in your life, better chance. If it's all bla, bla, no specifics, sweet talk then on to his ego feed, well, there ya go.

 

I've seen this as an OM and MM so know the drill. You asked how to survive his divorce. That's my .02. BTW, none of the MW's who failed the tampon test divorced like they said they would, not for years and years. It was all BS. That's OK, I accept that people BS and lie to serve themselves. It's human. Do what you need to do to serve yourself.

 

You crack me up. All golden, thank you.

[DKT3]

When we just started, he said his marriage was pretty much normal, with usual ups and down of long term relationship, but nothing that would justify an affair, and he never thought he'd become a cheater.

He said his reason was because he fell in love with me.

 

Now, we all know that isn't true, he was cheating before feelings were involved.

 

Before I read someone say divorcer vs divorcee made a difference in affairs turned relationships making it. WELL, the truth is there is no significant difference. All affairs turned relationships fail at about an 85% clip, and do so within 5 year.

 

Long term success is unlikely. Doing so mean therapy for both individually and together. Trust issues, poor boundaries, jealousy wondering eyes are very difficult to handle when only one partner has them, almost impossible when both does.

[Dreamwalker17]

Now, we all know that isn't true, he was cheating before feelings were involved.

 

Before I read someone say divorcer vs divorcee made a difference in affairs turned relationships making it. WELL, the truth is there is no significant difference. All affairs turned relationships fail at about an 85% clip, and do so within 5 year.

 

Long term success is unlikely. Doing so mean therapy for both individually and together. Trust issues, poor boundaries, jealousy wondering eyes are very difficult to handle when only one partner has them, almost impossible when both does.

 

What do you mean "we all know not that isn't true, he was cheating before feelings were involved"?

[elaine567]

Right now our relationship is at crossroads. I mentioned it was winding down for months before complete and final end. He couldn't make a firm decision, and just kept hurting himself, hurting me, hurting his wife. I ended it because there was nothing else left to do, and actually he had much harder time with our ending than I did - I set my mind on moving on, and I was done.

 

I am having a hard time not being "the chosen" one the way it is, there is no way I'd keep playing this game. None of it was exciting to me, in fact I could never understand how he could keep lying to her. To me it was just plain cruel, and if anything I am glad she finally freeing herself.

 

I have a feeling you are still essentially done.

There was a terminal illness, there was a death, there was a funeral, there was a period of grieving, there was an acceptance, a finality.

Now the corpse has again showed up, but the world is now a different place and whilst part of you feels you should be glad he is here, the other part wishes he had just stayed dead and buried.

[Minnie09]

Now, we all know that isn't true, he was cheating before feelings were involved.

 

Before I read someone say divorcer vs divorcee made a difference in affairs turned relationships making it. WELL, the truth is there is no significant difference. All affairs turned relationships fail at about an 85% clip, and do so within 5 year.

 

I missed the part where OP said no feelings were involved initially, but that’s beyond the point. If there weren’t, and he developed them over time, would that be worse than falling in love at first sight? I doubt it. Makes zero difference.

 

And those statistics are neither helpful, nor correct. If I wanted to, I could dig out some “legit stats”, from anywhere across the www, that prove the exact opposite. I took social statistics in Uni, and the first thing you learn there is how to pay attention to the fact that statistics can lie, and that they strongly depend on the researcher, the target group, the base population, how results are interpreted, etc.

[Dreamwalker17]

I have a feeling you are still essentially done.

There was a terminal illness, there was a death, there was a funeral, there was a period of grieving, there was an acceptance, a finality.

Now the corpse has again showed up, but the world is now a different place and whilst part of you feels you should be glad he is here, the other part wishes he had just stayed dead and buried.

 

Thank you Elaine.

I'd be so happy if he'd left his wife during those two years we were together, that would've made a world of a difference to how I'd feel and how the future for us would've looked like.

And now he needs me to be patient and kind and loving, that finally we can be together, and can't understand all my anger and resentment, all my grief.

[elaine567]

Thank you Elaine.

I'd be so happy if he'd left his wife during those two years we were together, that would've made a world of a difference to how I'd feel and how the future for us would've looked like.

And now he needs me to be patient and kind and loving, that finally we can be together, and can't understand all my anger and resentment, all my grief.

 

I get it.

When you no doubt pleaded with him to make things right, to show you that you were his one and only and to make you priority. He essentially did nothing and he let you walk away, knowing you were heart broken.

NOW his wife throws him out, and he NEEDS you, you are all he ever wanted...

Yeah right...

[HadMeOverABarrel]

This is one for the spot a liar/cheater guidebook. Great post, Carhill! Thanks.

 

Try the tampon test, something I coined back in the days of meeting MW's for lunches and dinners and other similar interactions. Go with the flow, share some stuff about your non-relationship life and see how things progress. Is the dinner a sounding-board/complaint/whoa is me fest or is he stoic about the marriage/separation/divorce and focused on you, your and his interactions and the here and now at dinner? See how it goes. I did more than a few goodbyes at lunches and dinners after the tampon test, where I determined they were using me for a tampon not as a valued partner or even friend. Even the pros, and I've known a few, slip up. They can't help it. Their ego won't allow equity. It has to be about them. If this guy calmly lays out his plan, going to counseling with xxx next week, Wednesday at 1pm, then meeting with his lawyer to get the divorce filing fleshed out on Thursday at 10am, bla, bla, then moves on to you and what's going on in your life, better chance. If it's all bla, bla, no specifics, sweet talk then on to his ego feed, well, there ya go.

 

I've seen this as an OM and MM so know the drill. You asked how to survive his divorce. That's my .02. BTW, none of the MW's who failed the tampon test divorced like they said they would, not for years and years. It was all BS. That's OK, I accept that people BS and lie to serve themselves. It's human. Do what you need to do to serve yourself.

[Samantha.Leo]

Wise people of this board, please help me. Imsosaid, goodyblue, there were others who transitioned into real relationship.

 

At this point, I don't know if we're going to make it. I put a final end to our 2+ years old long affair a month before he came to me and said his marriage is ending. The affair itself was winding down for months already.

 

He is a mess, but I am not doing much better. I don't know what to do, we fight every day over pretty much everything.

I can't ask for space and leave him now, he asked for my love and support, but I need just as much love and support from him and he can't handle it, and I understand why.

I feel very insecure and unsafe, after all, he didn't leave her, she is the one who initiated the divorce. Things seems to be progressing, they are separating, settling finances, custody etc. But I am going crazy because I am afraid that yet again I will end up heartbroken.

 

I know he loves me. I love him too.

How to navigate through all this? How not to destroy love, and save and strengthen our relationship?

Please help me, because I am losing hope.

 

D.

 

I feel for you. I am ALMOST in the same boat. Mine wasn't an affair, but we did get together soon after his wife initiated the divorce proceedings. I have those same doubts myself (insecure, afraid I will end up heartbroken, ect.). My guy is also a mess. Moments of being close to me, loving, and sharing his feelings are equal to the moments of him being moody, distant, and hard to reach both mentally and physically. When I talked to him about me not being around during this time and that I thought I wasn't helping him at all, he asked for time. It's a tough road.

[BaileyB]

[]I would let him go and tell him to come back to me once his divorce is final, when he is living on his own, and the situation is stable with custody and anything else relating to the divorce. IF, he comes back to you, then you know that he is in a healthier place and the relationship has some legs...

 

But, I doubt that many women who have invested so heavily in a married man would be able to do that. At least, not when you feel so close to getting everything you thought you wanted...

Edited January 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post redacted

[Arieswoman]

BaileyB,

 

But, I doubt that many women who have invested so heavily in a married man would be able to do that. At least, not when you feel so close to getting everything you thought you wanted...

 

Sadly this ^^ is so true.

 

It's called the "Sunk Costs Theory" and people in this situation are looking for a return on their investment

[Arieswoman]

SB2,

 

Sit down at dinner and see what he talks about... say nothing - just listen.

 

Let's see if he's got a solid plan of action for his future or if he's just going to complain about his situation.

 

Let's see if he future fakes - let's see if he asks YOU about what's happening in your life.

 

And let's see if he's retained an attorney, split assets and obtained a new place of residence. Let's see if he's seen a counselor for a place to vent while getting professional guidance to get honest and to prevent future cheating.

 

 

Let's see if he's taken charge of changing his life and control over his future!

 

This ^^^ is very smart advice

[DKT3]

I think two major factors are in play that I believe OP has recognized but seems reluctant to allow them to drive her decision making process here.

 

1) the length of the affair. One thing that all affairs turned successful relationships have in common, a relatively short affair. Once they drag on two three years it indicates that the APs are not really all that serious about an US.

 

2) He didn't drive to end the marriage.

 

I think the writing is on the wall that he wanted to stay married. The reasons are irrelevant.

 

Keep in mind, a large portion of men coming out of long term relationships look to have someone fill his wife's roll in the short term, but ultimately, a third woman enters the picture.

 

I'm concerned that he is pushing you to be there for him, it's worrisome. It would be more likely (were he seriously considering an US with you) he would shield you from his divorce fallout.

 

Don't allow him you use you to transition from Marriages to single status.

[Minnie09]

In so many ways I agree with the tampon theory.

 

MM caught up in their own turmoil try so hard to place their high emotions on someone. They need a person to vent to about all the crap they are going through - but never seem to take responsibility for the fact that they CAUSED that turmoil. They are essentially looking for someone else to absorb all the negativity they emit. Don't let that be you.

 

And many times they really are grounded in being the victim! But seriously never see that they are the victim of the self and their own doing...

 

You know he lied and he cheated. You know he did this to himself ---> and now he's dragged you along with him...and will continue dragging you through all the crap his divorce will bring - IF you allow it.

 

I wouldn't allow it. I'd disappear until it's over! You need to do this for YOUR sanity.

 

 

How long was he married? Kids?

 

 

Based on my own experience with a similar situation, I don’t see it that way. What bothered ME (and that’s just me, so take it with a grain of salt) the most, was that he wouldn’t share important thoughts - about going through this important/depressing transition/divorce/separation/splitting assets, etc etc - with me. He kind of wanted to shield me from the strong emotions that came with his separating from his wife. I voiced my concerns about how it bothered me to be excluded and not clued in and not kept in the loop. His explanation always was that he didn’t want to burden me with this, and that he wanted me to stay unbiased. I would’ve been supportive, if he had kept me in the loop. He chose not to, maybe because he was too insecure, or maybe because he was not the one wearing the pants in the relationship while they were going through a divorce. I will never know. I couldn’t deal with it any longer. So I cut contact. After I did, his half assed Attempts to reach out with more lighthearted conversations never ceased. I blocked ..... I was done. I would’ve appreciated honesty, sharing true emotions, I would’ve been supportive, but I can’t provide that, if I don’t have all the information that I want to have. That was MY straw that broke the camel’s back.

 

So I guess it’s different for everyone. Most ppl on this forum, and especially in this thread, say that you shouldn’t be Your lover’s sounding board and “tampon”, I get that, however, for me it was the opposite. I felt like I wasn’t involved enough. I would never interfere, though, don’t get me wrong, but I definitely DID expect him to be upfront and honest with me about everything he’s going through. He was not and I couldn’t deal with that very well.

 

I understand that somebody else’s divorce is none of my business, but if that person expects me to be there for a full-time relationship after they get the divorce finalized, I do expect them to keep me in the loop with regards to all the steps that they have taken, and will be taking during the process.

[Dreamwalker17]

Based on my own experience with a similar situation, I don’t see it that way. What bothered ME (and that’s just me, so take it with a grain of salt) the most, was that he wouldn’t share important thoughts - about going through this important/depressing transition/divorce/separation/splitting assets, etc etc - with me. He kind of wanted to shield me from the strong emotions that came with his separating from his wife. I voiced my concerns about how it bothered me to be excluded and not clued in and not kept in the loop. His explanation always was that he didn’t want to burden me with this, and that he wanted me to stay unbiased. I would’ve been supportive, if he had kept me in the loop. He chose not to, maybe because he was too insecure, or maybe because he was not the one wearing the pants in the relationship while they were going through a divorce. I will never know. I couldn’t deal with it any longer. So I cut contact. After I did, his half assed Attempts to reach out with more lighthearted conversations never ceased. I blocked ..... I was done. I would’ve appreciated honesty, sharing true emotions, I would’ve been supportive, but I can’t provide that, if I don’t have all the information that I want to have. That was MY straw that broke the camel’s back.

 

So I guess it’s different for everyone. Most ppl on this forum, and especially in this thread, say that you shouldn’t be Your lover’s sounding board and “tampon”, I get that, however, for me it was the opposite. I felt like I wasn’t involved enough. I would never interfere, though, don’t get me wrong, but I definitely DID expect him to be upfront and honest with me about everything he’s going through. He was not and I couldn’t deal with that very well.

 

I understand that somebody else’s divorce is none of my business, but if that person expects me to be there for a full-time relationship after they get the divorce finalized, I do expect them to keep me in the loop with regards to all the steps that they have taken, and will be taking during the process.

 

I can't decide myself what would work best for me in this situation.

I am aware of the logistics - he moved out to his own place, they are working out financials, custody etc.

I don't know if I want to be involved in and share all the emotions - he needs to grieve the end of his marriage properly. On the other hand, I don't want to be an outsider looking in either, especially when he asked me for support.

I don't know. That's why I was asking for advise.

 

Thank you Minnie.

[Minnie09]

I can't decide myself what would work best for me in this situation.

I am aware of the logistics - he moved out to his own place, they are working out financials, custody etc.

I don't know if I want to be involved in and share all the emotions - he needs to grieve the end of his marriage properly. On the other hand, I don't want to be an outsider looking in either, especially when he asked me for support.

I don't know. That's why I was asking for advise.

 

Thank you Minnie.

 

Yeah, I believe that if you’re important to him and his life, he will have the natural desire to have you involved in everything that’s going on in his life. That doesn’t mean that you should give advice, or interfere, or anything like that, but It does mean that he has the natural desire to share these things with you. And that’s what I was lacking. And that’s why I wasn’t willing to continue. Not sure where he’s at right now. Probably single. I’m

Still not replying.

[Dreamwalker17]

I think it may be important to tell him that you need support too... that he needs to attend to your emotional well being too.

 

Then see how he reacts to you having needs as well.

 

He knows. He said he feels terrible for putting me through this.

 

Thank you everyone, I'll keep you all updated.

 

Love, D.

[Minnie09]

He knows. He said he feels terrible for putting me through this.

 

Thank you everyone, I'll keep you all updated.

 

Love, D.

 

Please do! “Success” stories are much needed here. Or at least truthful updates......hugs!!

[minimariah]

Yeah, I believe that if you’re important to him and his life, he will have the natural desire to have you involved in everything that’s going on in his life. That doesn’t mean that you should give advice, or interfere, or anything like that, but It does mean that he has the natural desire to share these things with you. And that’s what I was lacking. And that’s why I wasn’t willing to continue. Not sure where he’s at right now. Probably single. I’m

Still not replying.

 

but it does - when your partner confides in you, you will react... somehow. by making a comment, giving advice, expressing emotion. you react = you interfere. the divorce is usually messy and painful. so when someone does share, it should be with those who aren't emotionally invested in said divorce. sharing with the OW usually does more bad than good.

 

OP - OWs tend to be obsessed with "getting chosen". the fact that it was his wife who made the first move doesn't really need to mean that he doesn't really love you or that he chose his wife/marriage. he probably does love you and his emotions probably are true but for this or that reason, he didn't have the courage to make the first move.

 

it does not lessen his love for you.

[anika99]

He is starting therapy for himself soon, and I was going to suggest therapy for both of us because obviously an affair is a terrible way to start a relationship. I'm sure he'll be open to the idea, he understand this whole situation is unfair to me and he can't give me much right now.

 

He knows he fully contributed to the demise of his marriage and wants to figure out how to avoid doing the same to our relationship. All his reasons for staying were exactly the same you read on this forum - kids, status, money, extended families and friends admiring him, him wanting to be that great guy who provides and takes care of his family. And he was so openly in love with me the whole time, I've stopped being jealous of his wife long time ago (something he accuses me of now). He'd spent thousands and thousands on trips, presents, flowers for me. I've seen him crying and being devastated over our fights and break up many times over last two years.

 

Yet it took his wife putting an end to it. My heart breaks for her, I cannot imagine what she's been through, watching her husband being in love with another woman. It will take me a long time to come to terms with my own role in all this, I am not going to tell her anything. It's between them.

 

Thanks guys, great advise as always.

 

Love, D.

 

He spent two years cheating on his wife while cruelly lying and gaslighting her and keeping you hanging on as his backup. That says a mighty lot about what kind of person he is. A mighty lot.

[whichwayisup]

You can support him but don't be his therapist/shoulder. He has to seek counseling on his own and actually BE on his own for a while before he can totally commit and put you first. You deserve to be his number one and right now (for a while) you won't be. He has to grieve the loss of his marriage, the life he shared with his wife and children. He has to cope with the loss of in laws, extended family and their entwined friends. Even neighbours... All those people ARE affected by their divorce too, but the most important are their children (how old are they and how many do they have?) and their adjustment during this difficult time.

 

I'm not sure how you two think by NOT telling his soon to be ex wife the truth will make this easier. she knows he had an affair (for all you know she hired a PI and has proof it's you) but he won't admit who. Don't you think she is going to find out? Even if in 6 months or a year, she's going to figure out you were his affair partner when you two go public and make the relationship real and out in the open.

 

You're gonna be step mom to their children one day and she will be in your lives forever on some level. They still have to co parent and have a cordial parenting relationship for the sake of their kids. So isn't it best to be up front and honest about everything?

 

SHE divorce him, not the other way around, so she's done with him. Are you scared he's going to balk and run back to her and ask for another chance? or are you scared he'll cheat on you someday? Sad to say you should be aware that he is a skilled liar and marriage/children won't hold him to his word/vow/promise.

 

I hope for your sake it works out. But if it doesn't, you don't "owe" it to him to stick around either... Sometimes love isn't enough between affair partners. And he doesn't seem like the big prize...

 

There's a been pain all around for the past 2 years for everybody and you all were affected (even him).

Edited January 9, 2018 by whichwayisup

[What_Did_I_Do]

See, when I went through mine (dissolution of the M was in the works long before HE entered the picture), MM was there as support. I didn't share the nitty gritty details with him...didn't want to...but he was a sense of 'familiarity' of sorts. Kept me somewhat grounded on those really bad days. He would offer support if I really needed.

 

That said, what ended up happening is the true grieving process for the end of my M didn't transpire until recently. Double whammy.

 

Everyone's journey through this difficult time is different.

[Vivir]

(((Dreamwalker17)))

Hugs to you, Dreamwalker17, as you continue to sift through all of these clashing feelings and thoughts and try to figure out your best (right?) action to take with (or without?) this divorcing man that you love.

 

For what it's worth, I totally agree with carhill and the others who have suggested the tampon test. If this man wants you to be the emotional airbag, the tampon, etc. while he offers nothing to you of substance... I just don't see how this is beneficial to you, considering your amount of investment and the upheaval in your life (that you don't actually need). Life is hard enough without adding drama to it unnecessarily.

 

So I cut contact. After I did, his half assed Attempts to reach out with more lighthearted conversations never ceased. I blocked ..... I was done. I would’ve appreciated honesty, sharing true emotions, I would’ve been supportive, but I can’t provide that, if I don’t have all the information that I want to have. That was MY straw that broke the camel’s back.

 

So I guess it’s different for everyone. Most ppl on this forum, and especially in this thread, say that you shouldn’t be Your lover’s sounding board and “tampon”, I get that, however, for me it was the opposite. I felt like I wasn’t involved enough. I would never interfere, though, don’t get me wrong, but I definitely DID expect him to be upfront and honest with me about everything he’s going through. He was not and I couldn’t deal with that very well.

 

The MM I was involved with told me he was being advised by a lawyer for divorce within weeks of us really getting to know each other. I never made it so far along as either you or Minnie09. To my knowledge, he never actually divorced. The most he divulged to me was in the very beginning of the affair. I believe he had never even talked with the lawyer and actually made his decision not to divorce soon after the affair began. Of course, he did not share this information with me.

 

Instead, he played literally everything close to the vest. As I began reading here and coming out of this affair fog, I looked back and realized a few things. He was only offering me 1/4-time sex and lighthearted conversation. He was taking up a crapload of my time and energy and I had been allowing it... He never really said too much of substance AT ALL. He was quite ambiguous and literally allowed me to draw my own conclusions. I even mentioned to him that I was drawing my own conclusions, and he would say, "I just don't want to burden you with what's going on." So, as time went on, I took this to mean that NOTHING (in terms of divorce or separation) was going on and he had simply been stringing me along. I drew the absolute worst (for my case) conclusions that I could.... I had become a sex escape, an emotional tampon, free therapist and free sex. Drawing my own conclusions lost him his escape, his toy from that shelf everyone speaks of on this forum.

 

I want to chime in here, though, because one of the conclusions that I drew was that if he was getting a divorce, it would only be because she filed for it. Based on his words, that he seldom used, he was waiting around for his betrayed wife to file for divorce! I am not sure why he thought this would be beneficial to him... maybe that has something to do with alimony or divvying up assets? Oh, I don't know. And my ignorance was used against me.

 

It occurred to me at some point that he thought she might file because he was being an absolutely horrible husband to her. This may not be true, you know, aside from the lying, gaslighting, and cheating, but when I discovered him lying about very simple and unrelated (to the affair) things, and put two and two together, alarm bells started blaring in my ear and I could see flashing red lights before my eyes.

 

The more I countered my starry eyed fantasies with the little evidence I had, the facts I actually knew, I started to piece together for myself that I had been taken along for a ride.

 

One of the conclusions that I drew was a projection into the future had he been telling me the truth about divorcing her... As they had a baby that I later found out about, his BW would ALWAYS be a part of his life - his PRESENT. Her life would continue to evolve alongside his and their child's lives.

 

There would also be major fallout from his life collapsing from the divorce. He might even begin to blame me for the divorce, as he didn't seem to be responsible for much of anything that went wrong...

 

He already wasn't offering me much of anything, and I didn't deserve that. I did deserve to take the time and effort I had wasted on him, consider these costs sunk, and divert future resources to myself.

 

But that's me. I don't think I have helped at all and that makes me sad.

If anything, it is another perspective... and I hope it helps and doesn't further conflate the issue at hand.

 

I like to think that if he had been open with me and showed me that he really wanted to be with me, I would've helped him move heaven and earth. But that wasn't the case. He let me draw my own conclusions, and I saw that I was being drained while he was being filled.

 

I made the decision for all of us that I would bow out. Bowing out took me out of his field of influence; I cannot influence him and he cannot influence me. I feel that perhaps this action would allow him to cling to her, if his life with her is what he really wants... Either way, I know what I had been willing to do, like Minnie. And I realized what he had not been willing to do by his consistent actions.

Edited January 9, 2018 by Vivir

[elaine567]

but it does - when your partner confides in you, you will react... somehow. by making a comment, giving advice, expressing emotion. you react = you interfere. the divorce is usually messy and painful. so when someone does share, it should be with those who aren't emotionally invested in said divorce. sharing with the OW usually does more bad than good.

 

I can see that, as a divorce is a carving up of a married life and that life will contain good and bad elements.

It is not only letting go of the bad it is also letting go of the good too.

So whilst it may be fine to share with an OW, things that show her he is moving on, they are a team, they will get through it.

 

He may be less inclined to tell her about how much he loves and misses his wife and kids and how unsure he is about what he is doing and how he may have messed things all up...

Less inclined to tell her, as he pores over his married life, about how nostalgic he feels about that wonderful holiday they had in France or the birth of their first child or about all their hopes and dreams...

Less inclined to tell her how hurt he feels, how upset, how depressed...

Less inclined to tell her about the regrets, the what ifs,and the if onlys...

Less inclined to lash out when he blames the OW for ruining his marriage in a particularly down moment.

 

It is all those vacillating emotions that he knows he cannot really share with his OW, that I guess means he probably wants to keep her at arms length, in case he may let something slip, that will upset her.

So whilst she feels relieved the end is in sight, she feels a weight has been lifted, the wife is gone for good, she feels incredibly close to him and wants to bask in all that love, he needs time to process, to get used to the huge loss, to come to terms with the "failure" of his marriage... etc.

 

It is a really odd situation to be in, to grieve the loss of one relationship whilst trying to prop up another relationship, another relationship that may have been the cause of the demise of the first...

[What_Did_I_Do]

I can see that, as a divorce is a carving up of a married life and that life will contain good and bad elements.

It is not only letting go of the bad it is also letting go of the good too.

So whilst it may be fine to share with an OW, things that show her he is moving on, they are a team, they will get through it.

 

He may be less inclined to tell her about how much he loves and misses his wife and kids and how unsure he is about what he is doing and how he may have messed things all up...

Less inclined to tell her, as he pores over his married life, about how nostalgic he feels about that wonderful holiday they had in France or the birth of their first child or about all their hopes and dreams...

Less inclined to tell her how hurt he feels, how upset, how depressed...

Less inclined to tell her about the regrets, the what ifs,and the if onlys...

Less inclined to lash out when he blames the OW for ruining his marriage in a particularly down moment.

 

It is all those vacillating emotions that he knows he cannot really share with his OW, that I guess means he probably wants to keep her at arms length, in case he may let something slip, that will upset her.

So whilst she feels relieved the end is in sight, she feels a weight has been lifted, the wife is gone for good, she feels incredibly close to him and wants to bask in all that love, he needs time to process, to get used to the huge loss, to come to terms with the "failure" of his marriage... etc.

 

It is a really odd situation to be in, to grieve the loss of one relationship whilst trying to prop up another relationship, another relationship that may have been the cause of the demise of the first...

 

THIS ^^^^ to a "T". It is exactly what I went through. xMM wanted me to be a happy, carefree OW but damn, it was hard enough to get out of bed somedays.

 

OP, I know what your MM is going through. Ride out the storm but just be aware he could change course at any moment.